At the Heart of It All
by Val McCaffery
Chapt. 5 : Clearer Vision
Niles didn't see Audrey Brightman for another two weeks. By then it was late November and things were winding down on campus as the students headed home for Thanksgiving.
After classes shut down on the Wednesday afternoon, Niles walked over to her office for his follow-up examination. Even thought it was raining hard and he could have driven, he wanted the "thinking time" which the walk seemed to supply.
A cold wind had blown in from the bay, whipping the fallen leaves into little cyclones of color on the sidewalks. Niles pulled his coat up tight around his neck and cloistered himself behind his umbrella as he made his way along the slippery streets. A strong wind caught the front door of Dr. Brightman's office and slammed it shut with a bang as he entered the waiting room. The few people sitting in the straight-backed chairs raised their heads up in response at the commotion he caused, as if they were almost thankful that anything broke the boredom of reading and re-reading the out-of-date magazines.
Niles shook out his umbrella, hung his overcoat up on the rack and stiffly sat down to wait his turn. It didn't look like it would be long. There was only one elderly lady, who disappeared into the inner sanctum of the office almost as soon as he sat down, and a father with his six-year old son in front of him.
"Why does that child keep staring at me?" wondered Niles self-consciously. "Has the whole world forgotten to mind its own business?"
He gave the boy a stern glare and was relieved when the pair were called for their turn soon after. Niles turned his attention to an article in the latest issue of Academic Psychiatry that he had brought with him. But the pages of the magazine might as well been blank for all the concentration that he was willing to apply to that task. Niles had Audrey on his mind and that was all he could handle at the moment.
He had purposely arranged that he be the last appointment of the day so that he could talk to Audrey and maybe even invite her to another cup of coffee with him. It seemed like a simple enough plan. But, while the talk with Martin had given him the courage to think about asking Audrey out, it didn't make the actual asking any easier. True to form, Niles had been busy rehearsing every angle of the imagined scenario over and over in his mind all day long. Even now, as he sat just moments away from seeing her face to face, he still was undecided on his exact approach.
"I'll gage it by her reactions when I see her," he thought. "If she still seems interested, then I just say…" How about a cup of coffee"…no
I should try and be cleverer… "Something to warm you up on such a blustery day"… no, that sounds so trite, like something out of "Winnie the Pooh"! How about – "Audrey, I've been thinking"…Oh God! This isn't going so well. Maybe I should just forget the whole… "
"Niles Crane, you can go back now," Marcie, the receptionist, interrupted his thoughts. He could feel her eyes scrutinize him as he passed by the front desk. Niles had a disquieting notion that the doctor and her receptionist had made him a topic of conversation at some time in the past two weeks. Of course this didn't help the level of his anxiety.
"Was that a look of pity on her face, or something else? It's so hard to tell…"
Audrey was waiting for him in the hallway, when he came around the corner.
"I'm just going to finish up with Mr. Brazo and Ryan and then I'll be in," she said, indicating with a wave of her arm the room he was supposed to enter.
Niles gave a faintly distracted smile. "There's no rush," he said quietly and sat down in the small room. He began counting the ceiling tiles as a relaxation technique.
"Twenty-three, twenty-four… God, how long has it been?" Niles quietly grumbled, checking his watch. "Ten minutes! It seems like much – "
"How's everything?" Audrey walked briskly through the door and closed it behind her.
Niles wasn't sure she meant generally speaking or just specifically concerning his new glasses.
"Everything is fine," he said cautiously, arching a tense eyebrow. "How about you? How have you been?"
Audrey let out a slight chuckle as she spoke. "I meant about your new lenses, but thank you for asking. Things have been a bit hectic here.
Have you been busy at the university?"
Niles blushed.
"Oh God! She was trying to keep this on a professional level and I blew it!" he worried. "I'm just not very good at this sort of thing!"
"Busy… umm, things have been busy," Niles stammered. "Of course, after Thanksgiving, everyone will be gearing up for exams. This is my first experience at…"
"Let's take a peek at those eyes," she interjected, glancing at her watch. "Glasses off, please. Have you had any more headaches?
"Damn!" he reprimanded himself. "She's pure business and here you are babbling on like a ninny! Take a hint for once in your life Niles - control yourself and just keep it short and to the point."
"No."
"Any trouble reading?"
"No."
"Even the fine print?"
"No."
"That's great! Now put your glasses back on and start reading the chart. Right eye first…"
When it was all over, Niles sat there like an obedient schoolboy ready for his next instruction. Audrey busied herself for a few minutes making some notes on his chart. Time was running out. Niles' breathing became a bit more erratic.
"What if I've misread the situation? What if she's had second thoughts about me? I bet that's what the receptionist and her were discussing – that's why that woman gave me that look when I came in! Oh, God! I don't have a hope, do I? On the other hand, what if I am just imagining all this and she is still interested in me? I should say something," he debated. "I can't let this opportunity slip away, like I would have so many times in the past. Sometimes taking a risk can be worth it. Daphne taught me that… "
His heart began to pound and his throat started to constrict.
"So, are you going away for Thanksgiving?" Audrey said in a breezy voice. "Back to Seattle, perhaps? You did say your family lives there."
"Yes… yes, I'm leaving tomorrow morning," Niles coughed to clear his throat. "I'll… be back Saturday night. Didn't… didn't your mother… are you going to visit… I'm… I'm sorry if this seems forward… I was just wondering…"
"Yes," Audrey said coming to his rescue. "You remembered right. My mother does lives in the Seattle area, but she is coming up here this year. I'm looking forward to seeing her, just like I am sure you are with your family. Do you get a chance to see them often?"
"Now all her friendly mannerisms seem to be encouraging me on," he thought. "This is really confusing!"
"Oh, well… yes, often enough, I guess… umm… would-you-like-to- get-a-cup-of-coffee-after-you're-through-here?"
Niles closed his eyes after he rushed out the last sentence. He felt like an ostrich hiding its head in the sand. "At least I said it! If I don't look at her while she rejects me it won't be quite as humiliating!"
"Well, thank you for asking me… "
Niles opened his eyes and met her gaze back.
"My God!" he contemplated. "Her eyes are so dark brown… just like those fancy French truffles, the ones that come in their own little paper nests."
"… but… "
Niles' heart started thumping so hard that he thought it was going to pop out of his chest cavity. He squinched his eyes tight to brace himself. "Here it comes… "
"… but I have to leave right after work to go pick up my mother at the station. That's why I've been keeping an eye on the time. Her train is due in about fifteen minutes. I'm sorry, I'd really love to – I enjoyed our chat the other night, so much. Perhaps… perhaps we could meet on… on the Sunday, when you get back from Seattle?"
"Sunday?" Niles blinked in disbelief. "Sunday… Sunday would be fine. Sunday would be great. I'll call you in the afternoon… if… if that's all right."
"I'd love it. Here's my number."
Audrey took out one of her cards and wrote her home phone number on the back. "Is about "one" good for you?"
"Y... yes, one o'clock is perfect." Niles was still in a bit of a stupor, incredulous that things had taken the direction that they had. "We can pick a place when I phone you, if that's all right with you."
"Sounds great, Niles," Audrey beamed. "Well, I really have to be going. Mothers – you don't want to keep them waiting!"
"Yes," he said with a sound of great relief. "I suppose they can be worse than patients."
"You're right on the nose with that!" Audrey grinned. "I'll just see you out and… "
"I'll see you on Sunday," Niles said completing her sentence with a high strung giggle. He was a "Zen Master" at suppressing all kinds of things, but Niles would never be able to hide his absolute bubbly delight when things went well for him. Audrey seemed to find his boyish happiness contagious. She couldn't help but smile broadly at his growing aura of euphoria.
They reached out at the same time and clasped each other's hands in good bye. Audrey placed her free hand on top of their joined palms, prolonging the gesture. Niles found that this time her touch caused a radiance to tingle through his arm. Could he define this as a spark of attraction perhaps?
"Good bye, Niles and have a good time with your family."
"Same to you, Audrey," he replied, not wanting her to release his hand. He felt flushed and even a bit giddy.
The sound of Audrey's cell phone ringing finally broke the spell of the moment.
It was her mother calling to ask if Audrey was ready to come and get her. Niles took his cue, waved a last good bye, grabbed his umbrella and coat, and slipped away.
The earlier deluge had ended, leaving large pools of water everywhere on the uneven pavement. It took most of Niles' concentration not to fall victim to inattention and spoil his beloved calfskin loafers by giving them an unwanted drowning in the puddles.
As he picked his way through the increasingly more difficult watery obstacle coarse, down the darkening streets back to the campus parking lot, the full impact of what had just happened suddenly dawned on him…
HE HAD A DATE!
Niles walked through the headstones like a blind man who instinctively knows his way around a familiar room. In his hand he carried a single rose, blood red in colour. It was identical to the one he had given Daphne the night he first declared his love for her out loud at the Snowball.
"Of course, she thought I was only pretending – 'putting on a show for his snobby friends' wasn't that how she worded it later when Donny asked her about it?" Niles remembered with a grimace.
It still pained him to think back on the long torturous route that he had traveled in order to be by Daphne's side finally.
But it didn't negate the fact that what he said back then, at that dance, was the truth. It would be years before Daphne saw that truth, but that was immaterial. Niles' love had always been a constant, even if it had been obscured from both of them, from time to time,
over the years.
And it was his love of Daphne that guided him still. As he crossed over the manicured lawns of the cemetery Niles noticed a figure at her gravesite.
"Hello Roz," Niles said as he approached the crouched form. "What are you doing here?"
Roz turned and looked up at him as she set her bouquet of daisies by Daphne's marker.
"Oh, I visit her too, every once in a while. We all miss her, Niles. She was one of my best friends."
"I know," Niles said with a solemn note in his voice. "She was one of mine too."
"Oooh, Niles, come here," Roz opened her arms up and gave him a short but sincere "welcoming" hug.
"So – you goin' over to Frasier's? Freddy will be there. And I hear Frasier's bought some kind of gourmet turkey this year. He's having the whole dinner catered by some "big-wig" fancy chef."
"Yes, I'm staying until Sunday morning," Niles explained. "I just wanted to stop off here first." He laid the flower he had brought across Daphne's grave and transferred a kiss with his gloved hand to her memorial tablet.
"Do you want to be alone?" Roz asked.
"No," Niles replied. "You can stay, if you like. I spend too much time alone as it is."
He didn't look up as he talked, his eyes fixated on the patch of ground below his shadow.
"Daphne isn't really in there, you know," Niles said quietly. "She's in here." His hand traveled up his chest to his heart.
Roz nodded in agreement.
Niles sighed. "Still, I like to make sure that they are taking good care of this site. You know, making sure everything is neat and tidy."
A shroud of silence spread over them, as Niles' thoughts meandered through some memories that he usually kept deeply buried.
"How are things up in Bellingham?" Roz said abruptly.
"The work is enjoyable. I really like teaching. It's different than being in private practice. Very busy and just as challenging in many respects." Niles raised his eyes and stared off towards the horizon. "My research is coming along well. I should have another paper published by the beginning of the spring. I'm all settled into the house now, and oh, yes… I met a woman."
"I know," Roz confessed.
"Did Dad tell you?"
"No, I heard it from Frasier. But Martin was the one who told him. He didn't say that much. Just that you had a coffee with someone and you thought that the two of you might hit it off."
"Oh."
Niles kept peering off into the distance, as if he was expecting the heavens to give him an answer to something. An omen perhaps? Some sort of a divine sign to alleviate the struggle he faced with having to make certain choices.
Roz noticed his furrowed brow.
"Listen, Niles," she began. "I know it isn't really any of my business, but when has that ever stopped me before – right? Well, anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, well – it's O.K."
"O… K.?" Niles dragged the word out so that it sounded like it had four syllables.
"Yeah, it's O.K. Daphne wouldn't mind. You can go out with someone and have a date. She would understand. It's just a casual date – no big deal."
"Roz," Niles said turning to face her. "It is to me. Everything is a "big" deal to me. And you know as well as I do - there's nothing "casual" about me."
Roz laughed for a fraction of a second. "All right, all right! I'll grant you that! There is nothing "casual" about you! But you know what I'm talkin' about. You can still love and remember Daphne and have a life. Martin told you that. No one is expecting you to become a monk. You're just having a cup of coffee and some fun with someone."
"What if it's more than that, Roz," Niles returned to searching the far reaches of the outlying hills. "What if… "
"Do you think that's what's happening?" Roz was genuinely curious.
"I don't know… yet," he answered with deliberate thought. "Sometimes I get so excited when I am around Audrey... That's her name, Audrey."
"Well, Niles, maybe it's just that you're tired of dating your right hand!" Roz said with a snicker.
Niles' shot her a disgusted look. "Don't be so crude, Roz!"
"I just meant that you're a man, Niles, and although it may be arguable that you're like most other men, I'd still lay bets that you have your urges. That's O.K. too. If you've got an itch – scratch it!
It's completely natural." Roz stated bluntly.
"God, Roz!" Niles said with frustration. "When I said excited, I meant more than just something carnal! I mean – there is that, but there could be the possibility of something else besides just going out to satisfy the demands of … of my body! I think that… that something else could develop… something deeper. Do you understand?"
"You mean… love?" Roz said that last word like she was holding a bit of spoiled food at arm's length.
"Well… maybe… perhaps," Niles exhaled and looked down at his feet. "I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. But then again I may be leaping ahead here. It's probably way to early to tell."
"Have you talked to Frasier about this?" Roz asked with a hint of discomfort. "He's your brother and you two being so close and all."
"No, I haven't talked to him about it yet but something tells me it will be coming up in our conversations, any day now," Niles said with a nervous laugh. "He usually gets around to commenting about my sex life, sooner or later."
"Tell me about it!" Roz commiserated. "But then everybody thinks that my sex life is fodder for all types of pronouncements!"
Niles smiled, looked at his watch and shook his head. "Well, it's getting late. Dad and Frasier will be wondering where I am. Are you coming over for dinner too?"
"Yeah, I'll follow you in your car. Come on," Roz linked arms with Niles and they headed off to the lane way that ran through Forest Hills. "Oh and by the way, Niles – love the new glasses!"
It wasn't until everyone else had retired for the night that Frasier even brought the subject up. In fact, during dinner it seemed like there was an unspoken truce about talking about anything to do with Niles' "private" affairs. Everything else was discussed in depth – the new article he was writing, how the job was going, whether he should have gone with tinted lenses as Freddy had suggested, and what he had done with the upstairs bathroom. Everything was covered, that is, except his social life.
Finally, after all the dishes had been cleared, after the snapshots of Freddy's last vacation had been looked at and laughed about and neatly filed away, after Martin had groused about the cost of the caterer one last time, the two brothers were left alone in the living room. Frasier offered Niles a nightcap of brandy.
"Yes, but make it a small one, please," Niles insisted. "I think I drank enough of that stuff in the last year… to fill a bathtub. I've tried to cut back lately."
"That's welcome news, Niles," agreed Frasier. "I was a bit worried about you for a while… back then."
"And what about now… now that I have met… Audrey?" Reluctantly Niles decided that he should take the initiative. It was bound to come up in the next few minutes anyway. If he took control of the conversation then maybe he could navigate around the things that he just couldn't deal with at the moment.
Frasier looked a bit taken back by his forthrightness. "Ah, yes, Auuudreeey."
Niles rolled his eyes. This was not starting well. He hated the way Frasier elongated the vowels in Audrey's name.
"And so it begins… he's just trying to intimidate me," he huffed to himself. "I'm not in the mood for another one of his 'Frasier knows best' lectures."
"I think it is a good move for me," Niles stated defensively. "And dad thinks so too."
"Well, Niles," Frasier countered. "Whether it is a wise move or not really depends on how you feel? So the question is – how do you feel about her?"
"Oh great! He's putting his 'you're on the couch' act on!" Niles vexed. "Well, two can play at that game, brother!"
"Hard to say really," Niles said, masquerading his incipient agitation with his best analytical psychiatrist voice, as he swirled the brandy in his snifter. "It's really hard to define my feelings at this point in time."
"Why do you think that is?" Frasier persisted.
"Damn, I should have known that Frasier wouldn't be satisfied with vague generalities and psycho-babble," Niles reminded himself.
"I have only seen her twice and both times I was in the role of being her patient," Niles said. "Nothing really happened. We talked – that's all. It was pleasant and friendly."
"I can't believe how calm I sound!" Niles thought. "If only Frasier knew…"
"Are you going to be seeing her again?" Frasier raised his eyebrow when he said the word "again".
"Yes, as a matter of fact," Niles confirmed with a façade of composed deliberation. "When I get back on Sunday we have a… well, a date. We're going out for an afternoon coffee. I was thinking of seeing if she wanted to make it lunch, actually."
"And you feel comfortable with that?" Frasier continued.
"Will this infernal interrogation never end?" Niles felt like screaming at his brother.
"Well," Niles sipped a bit of his drink. His outward poise masked his building inward perturbation. "I like being with her. I want to see more of her, but…"
"But what?" Frasier prodded.
"I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of analyzing me, or my attraction for Audrey!" Niles decided. "I don't need his know-it-all brand of prying into my intimate feelings."
"Nothing specific really. I guess I am just a little anxious. It's been a while since I have gone out on a date – that's all."
"Could this anxiety be just that you are lonely for close human contact with someone of the opposite sex, Niles," Frasier cautioned.
Niles caught Frasier's implication as he pronounced the word "close".
"I know, I know," Niles acquiesced. "It's been awhile for that too. Roz reminded me of that earlier. Of course she put it in her own very uniquely Roz way! May I remind you that I am just going on a date with Audrey, not… not just gratifying my… well, get… getting bangers and mash with her!"
Niles caught himself. Such an overwrought emotional outburst was not what he planned on when this conversation started – and to have a Daphne-ism like that just pop up out of nowhere – it alarmed him all the more.
"I wonder if Frasier will let it slide by. I can't recoup myself without looking like a total emotional basketcase now, if he doesn't."
There was an uncomfortable pause while each of them decided what to do next. Niles felt like he was entirely at Frasier's mercy.
"Well, um… Niles," Frasier continued a bit taken aback. "Do you know how Audrey feels about you?"
Niles' momentary relief that Frasier had decided to let the bangers and mash remark go by without comment, was soon overshadowed by the realization that his brother's cross-examination had not ended. There was still a question on the table.
Niles knew that his control of the situation was rapidly slipping out of his grasp. If this didn't end soon, an emotional freefall was in plain view.
"No," Niles admitted. "All I know is that she likes to be around me enough that she accepted my invitation to meet her for coffee."
"That's the truth, really," Niles declared to himself. "But am I so fearful of what I don't know about her feelings, or is it because of what I suspect about my own feelings?"
"Well, then – if that's the case, if it is a mutually casual relationship, then just enjoy her company for now and don't worry about it," Frasier said decisively. "Its probably just what you need right now. You know… social interaction with others, to get back into the swing of things, as they say."
Niles smiled one of his patented gritty smiles.
"All right, Frasier. Thanks. You've been a big help, as usual - "
And with those perfunctory words, Niles rose to his feet to make his escape.
"But then there's Daphne, in all of this," said Frasier suddenly interjected.
"Oh, God!" Niles panicked. "He knows how to hit a nerve!"
Even though it had been almost nine months since the funeral, just the mention of Daphne's name could send Niles into a spontaneous tailspin.
"Oh, yesss, Daphne," Niles took a deep breath and crash-landed on the couch with a decided plop. "My dear Daphne… sometimes it seems like a lifetime since she's been gone! I miss her so much, Frasier! Did I show you this?"
Impact was imminent – there was no saving him now. He pulled Daphne's locket, with his wedding ring attached, out of his pocket.
"Oh, Niles," Frasier's voice cracked when he spoke. He rubbed his brother's back. "We all miss her, but I can only imagine what it is like for you."
"You could never even come close to imagining what I am going through," Niles thought. "Even I can't really define it."
Niles' only external response was to shake his head slowly. All that was left to do was sift through the rubble and morn at the scene of such total destruction.
Frasier patted his brother's hand.
"It's all right, Niles," he reassured him. "We all have our own special way of remembering her."
"No, it's more than that. I carry it everywhere," Niles admitted. "If it isn't in my shirt pocket, it is around my neck. Sometimes I think if it wasn't on me, I would stop breathing. It's like my own personal mojo. How can I even go on a date with anyone, when I can't live without this?"
"Can't live without it," he mused. "And can't really live with it, either."
Niles frowned. The truth was starting to enclose around him. He felt like he was smothering. He needed to retreat before complete disaster happened and all his fears were exposed.
"I want… I want… I don't know… I guess I just want things in my life to be normal again," he stammered, gripping the locket until he thought it would surely pierce the flesh of his hand. "But I just don't… I just don't know how to do it. You don't understand… no one does. If anyone ever found out what a mess I really am inside, they'd probably walk – no, make that – run away as fast as they could!"
"Niles," Frasier theorized with a knowingly sympathetic tone. "You are still grieving Daphne's death. That's why things seem so confusing for you. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You don't have to define your entire relationship with anyone in a couple of dates. That's not fair to you, or to anyone you are with. This confirms what I was telling earlier. Give yourself some time. Take it easy – you've got to learn to socialise with people all over again. The important thing is that you are trying – getting out there and meeting other people. It also might not be a bad idea to tell your date something about what you are going through."
"Oh, I couldn't, " moaned Niles. "I… I wouldn't know what to say. And even if I did find the right words, it might end up sounding too needy. The lonely desperate widower… that would just scare any woman off even faster."
"Well, then you'd know that she was the one who couldn't handle it wouldn't you?" Frasier said confidently. "You don't have to expose all your feelings. Just make sure Audrey, or anyone else you are dating, knows that you have been recently widowed that all. Maybe it will help things? Maybe it will help someone understand your situation a bit more? And Niles, don't sell yourself short. All those qualities that Daphne saw in you, well, others could learn to appreciate them too. After Nannette and I broke up, Mom and I had a little chat about learning to love again… "
"Yes," Niles sighed. "Dad told me all about that."
"Oh yes, when you had your little father and son talk on the phone. Well I'm going to give you the same wise words of advice that Mom gave me. Why should you reach out and let yourself live again? Because I said so and I'm your big brother!"
Frasier gave his little brother a bear hug and then stood up.
"Feel any better?" his voice quivering with high hopes.
"I guess I'm not the only one looking for a reaffirmation and a zone of comfort," Niles sagely observed. "I think Frasier really needs me to tell him that he is being helpful."
"Well, it's a long journey, Frasier," Niles said with a brave face knowing his big brother was earnestly trying to alleviate his anxieties. "Each day I get a little closer to my final destination, I think. Talking to you makes the journey easier."
Frasier seemed satisfied with that answer.
"That's all we can ask for, isn't it? Time for bed, Niles – off you go!"
And with that Frasier flipped off the lights and head down the hallway.
"Sweet dreams, Niles…"
"Thanks Frasier, good night."
"Here's hoping," thought Niles as he ambled off down the hall. "Here's hoping that my final destination is something I can live with."
"So what will it be, dear, inside or out?" Martha Brightman said inquisitively and then tapped her daughter's hand to get her full attention. "Audrey? Are you listening?"
"Wh… what, mom?" Audrey stirred. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"
"I asked if you think we should go outside to wait for the train or stay indoors." her mother restated. "Is there something on your mind? You've seemed a bit distracted all weekend."
"Let's stay in here," Audrey decided. "How about that bench over there? We can still see when the train pulls in and be out in line to get you a good seat in plenty of time."
She took her mother's arm and they strolled over and sat down. When they were comfortable, Audrey continued with their conversation.
"To tell you the truth, I have had something on my mind lately." she confessed with a smile. "It's a man I met recently."
"Oh?" said her mother curiously.
"He's very different from anyone I have ever met before." Audrey clarified.
"Oh," Martha repeated.
"I've only spoken to him a couple of times, but I think he is a very interesting person," Audrey continued.
"Oooh!"
"Mom! Can't you say anything else?" Audrey whispered exasperatedly.
"Well, Audrey, what would you have me say?" Martha smiled. "Where did you meet him?"
"He came in to have an eye exam and get a pair of bifocals," Audrey tittered as she thought back to their first encounter. "He really is quite sweet, kind of shy and nervous, very intelligent and very engaging."
"What's he do for a living?" Martha's protective mother instincts kicked in. "Is he gainfully employed?"
"Oh, yes, quite gainfully," Audrey teased back. "He's a doctor of psychiatry. He's teaching at Western University. He was just hired this term."
"You said you talked to him a couple of times," her mother reminded her. "Have you two been out on a date?"
"No, the other time was when he came back for his follow-up," Audrey's eyes brightened. "But we are meeting for coffee this afternoon. Does that count?"
"Well, if you aren't getting paid to look into his eyes and you had to make arrangements to see him – then yes, yes it does qualify as a date. So where are you two going?"
"I don't know – we agreed to decide on a place once he gets back from Seattle," Audrey tried to make her voice seem breezy and casual. "His family lives there."
"Has this fellow got a name?"
"Yeeesss," Audrey laughed, remembering the fuss he made about his title when she first met him. "It's Dr. Niles Crane."
"Sounds British," said Martha. "Wait… Crane… There is a radio talk show shrink with that last name in Seattle… are they related?"
"I don't know," Audrey professed. "Perhaps? I'll have to ask him when I get a chance."
"So his family lives in Seattle. We're practically neighbours!" Martha said with a smile. "How long has he been in Bellingham?"
"Not too long," Audrey paused thoughtfully. "I think he came to Bellingham to get a fresh start. I think he has been through a rough time recently and he needed a new beginning."
"Woman trouble?" Martha teased.
"Well, I'm not sure, but I think it has to do with a woman," Audrey said, noting her mother's surprise. "There certainly is a poignancy about him that seems to indicate some heartache in his past… he seems… very… vulnerable… but this is all very highly speculative on my part, Mother. I haven't really discussed any of his private life with him… yet. All I know is that he lives alone. We only just met, really."
"But you'd like to get to know him better?"
"Sure," Audrey confirmed. "There is something about him that just caught my attention. And I think he's interested in me. Sometimes you can just feel it."
Martha looked up and noticed the train pulling into the station.
"There's my ride. Keep in touch, dear. Give me a call and tell me if this guy is still as charming as you think he is, after you go on your first date."
"O.K. mom," she leaned over and kissed her mother goodbye.
Audrey watched until the train left the depot and then headed back to her car. On her way home she purposely drove out of her way to journey past the Canfield house.
"No car in the driveway," she noted. "He must still be in Seattle visiting his family. He should be home soon, though. It's almost noon. I better get home so I don't miss his call." She shook her head, "paid to look into his eyes…really, mother! ...Hmm… it will be nice to peruse into those deep blue eyes again, though. Yes, I really want to get to know this Niles Crane much better!"
"Audrey, it's, it's Niles… Niles Crane here."
No matter how hard he tried, his heart always ended up in his throat whenever he began talking to her. Shaken but resolute, Niles plunged ahead. "I was thinking… since it's still early in the afternoon… if you haven't had anything to eat maybe… maybe you would like to go to Stuarts for lunch instead of just a coffee?"
"My whole afternoon is clear. I think that's a wonderful idea!" The delight in her voice was unmistakable.
Niles breathed a sigh of relief. "That's great… uhh, is 1:30 too soon?"
"No," Audrey assured him. "I'll meet you out front on the street. See you in a bit then. Bye."
Niles hung up the phone with a certain air of satisfaction. He threw a heavy fisherman-knit sweater over his shirt, wound a long woolen scarf around his neck and headed out the door with a whistle on his lips. He decided to walk the few blocks and figured that Audrey would have had enough time by then to arrive from her place by car.
After all the rain recently, this seemed to be the classic late "fall" day. The air was crisp and had a bit of sharpness to it. Blinding sunshine flooded the streets and the trees were a riot of red, orange and yellow. Occasionally a light breeze stirred up the leaves that had accumulated in little piles in the nooks and crannies of the cityscape.
There wasn't a cloud in the sky. All nature seemed to be in empathy with at least one man's desires. Niles had a good feeling inside.
Stuarts was just the locale for a relaxed afternoon meal. There was a comfortable atmosphere about the place, with its Persian rugs and its plush, overstuffed chairs. Another unique feature was an internal balcony area that looked down into the main café and offered a splendid view of the waterfront if you got a window table.
(Here the link to take look at the real "Stuarts" - http://whatcom.kulshan.com/Washington/Whatcom/Bellingham/Restaurants/Stuarts.html)
When Niles came within view of the block of buildings he could see Audrey sitting on one of the street benches by the door of Stuarts. Her head was bowed and she was reading a paperback book, her leather jacket drawn tightly around her tiny physique. As if she somehow "sensed" him, Audrey looked up as Niles approached. She smiled with warm recognition and cached the book in her bag.
"What 'cha reading?" Niles cheerfully asked. He was in a buoyant mood.
"Oh, something by Spinoza," Audrey said instantly half-embarrassed at the pretentiousness of it all.
"Well, that's all right for light entertainment," Niles joshed. "But what are you going to do when somebody wants to discuss philosophy?"
They both giggled at their silliness.
"Shall we go inside?" Niles offered.
They made their way through the main floor to a more secluded spot above. It was unusually sparsely populated, so getting a prized window seat was no problem.
At first they talked about their respective visits with family. Audrey divulged that her mother had recently had heart surgery and was happy to be getting back on her feet and able to travel more. Niles learned that although Audrey had been born and raised in Bellingham, her parents had moved to the Seattle area when she was in high school. Her father, who was employed in the telecommunications industry, had received a promotion that required them to relocate. They remained there while Audrey came back to her hometown to go to college at Western Washington. Her mom stayed in Bellevue, even after her father died, six years ago. Audrey was an only child, but there were a few aunts and uncles whom lived in various locations in the northwest, including Seattle.
Niles sat quietly listening at first, absorbing every detail that Audrey revealed. He watched her with delight as she talked, enjoying how her hands waved about in animation when she got excited, how she tipped her head back when she laughed, or how she even held her fork or chewed her food. The more they talked the more Niles began to feel at ease in her presence.
Naturally, she was also curious about his background and when it came time to talk about his family history, Niles was cautious in the beginning, but as the afternoon passed, he began to open up more. He regaled her with tales of his early years with his brother, of Martin being a cop and Hester inspiring him to be a psychiatrist as well. Niles told her about going off to Yale and Cambridge and coming home to Seattle to do his residency. He conveniently neglected any references to his personal relationships, but in every other regard the palaver flowed easily. Time past. Eventually most of the lunch patrons had left. The evening's entertainment, a pianist and saxophone player, arrived to rehearse their repertoire. The mournful wails of the sax floated up to the table where Niles and Audrey sat, adding to the mellow ambience. The waitress came and cleared their plates and more coffees were ordered. Since business was slow this late Sunday afternoon, no one seemed particularly to mind the two of them lingering and they were left pretty much undisturbed, except for the occasional inquiry by the staff to make sure they didn't feel totally neglected. It all seemed to be going almost too smoothly.
Then the conversation took its inevitable course. Audrey professed that she had never made time for any permanent commitments in her personal life sadly.
"What… what about you?" she asked hesitantly.
Niles shut his eyes and devoured a rather large gulp of coffee. That bought him about a ten second delay, while he searched madly for the right way to say what he could no longer evade.
"I've been married before," Niles said apprehensively, testing the emotional waters. Another hesitation, and then he hurled himself into the emotional abyss. "Three times… in fact."
The words felt like large stones being tossed into a deep well when they came out of his mouth. Niles could almost hear the splash as they hit the water of Audrey's consciousness. He couldn't look her at her face and an uncomfortable silence fell over the table. He turned his cup around in his hands several times nervously. Audrey waited for him to continue. Niles rubbed his fingers over his mouth and looked towards the ceiling as he sighed. This wasn't an easy conversation to have but…
"Please go on," Audrey finally said after what seemed like forever. "I'm sure you wanted to say something more."
"Well, yes… I do," Niles reduced his voice to almost a whisper. "The first two… they were mistakes. One, the blame can be equally shared, the other was entirely my fault."
Audrey acknowledged his words with a brief nod.
"It seems so strange summing up nearly twenty years of my life with so few of words," Niles thought. "For all those many days and nights, it doesn't add up to much."
"And the third marriage?" Audrey asked calmly.
"The third," Niles' voice splintered, in spite of his efforts to keep things under control. "The third… wasn't a mistake in any sense of the word. It was the most correct thing I ever managed to do. But she's gone now… She died… of cancer." He stopped, unable to continue any further.
Audrey extended her hand out to touch his. Niles gripped onto her fingers instinctively, like a person stretching out for a helping hand to keep from falling out of reach.
"Is that her picture you carry in that locket?" Audrey queried.
Niles shook his head yes, but didn't say anything.
"How long ago did she die, Niles?"
"It will be nine months in two days… nine long months ago," he said as he gasped for air.
"How long were you together?
"A lifetime for me, three years for both of us."
He felt like he was serving his heart up on a platter. Niles watched Audrey's face closely for a reaction. There wasn't any true understanding of his cryptic response but she did seem to accept his statement at least.
"How did you know about the locket?" Niles suddenly asked.
"That day when I caught up to you at Café Toulouse I saw you looking at it. I didn't mean to intrude but I just had to speak with you."
Niles withdrew his hand slowly from hers.
"And now… are you sorry you did?"
"Not at all, Niles," Audrey said earnestly.
"I'm not exactly "undamaged goods" you know," Niles disclosed. "I still am trying to find my way through things."
"We all are works in progress, so to speak," Audrey reassured him.
Niles looked up into her eyes. Although she didn't look, sound or even move like Daphne, there was an intangible quality of compassionate awareness about her that reminded him of his beloved. He saw clearly now why he was so attracted to Audrey. It was also what scared him so.
She reached out and took his hand again. This time, in spite of his fears, Niles didn't let go. His need for someone to talk to at that moment was just too overwhelming.
"Let's go for a walk," he said. "I've got some things to tell you about Daphne…"
End of Part Five (to be continued)