At the Heart of It All
by Val McCaffery
Chapt. 6 : Moonshadows
Briiiiing! Briiiiing! Briiiiing!
The telephone at Niles' bedside jangled harshly. He peeled back the duvet from around his face and opened a bleary eye.
"Is that really the phone I hear ringing on… on… what day is it exactly… Saturday? Yes, that's right, it's Saturday."
The intense morning sunshine flooded his bedroom. There was a crackle of coldness to the surrounding air. Niles suddenly wondered if the antique furnace, usually chugging up a storm in the basement, had gone out again.
"Or maybe it is just an indication of how really cold it is," Niles thought sleepily. "All the more reason to stay in this lovely, cozy bed."
He pulled the warm down covering back over his face to block out the invading glare. Staying up late into the night in his cramped campus office, marking student papers and preparing yet another faculty committee report, had made Niles particularly unprepared this day to be an early riser.
Briiiiiing! Briiiing!
Niles reached out and clutched at the offending instrument with a firm but desperate grasp. At least if he answered it, that horrific noise would cease.
"Helllooo?" he said somnolently.
"Niles!!! Isn't it fantastic?" Audrey's clear voice jumped with excitement.
"Mmmm… what's fantastic? Niles mumbled.
"The snow, silly!" Audrey enthused. "We haven't seen snow like this in Bellingham in the first week of December since the early 90's! There must be four inches on the ground already and it's still snowing! The weather report said we'd have six inches by the end of the day. I was just thinking about you and thought we should take advantage of a day like today – go skiing or something like that! What do you say?"
Niles rubbed his eyes to help them focus. He sat up in bed and squinted out through the bay window to his right. He knew he was further north of Seattle, but he didn't expect to see what greeted his eyes.
A thick blanket of snow from an early December cold snap covered the ground. Snow clung to every tree twig and crevice, covering a multitude of muddy early winter sins. It looked like the yummy icing on one of the extra special cakes from Seattle's Le Chatel bakery on Fifth Avenue. The type of cake that a certain sympathetic mother used buy her sons when they were feeling particularly blue because none of the other kids would come to their literary themed birthday parties.
Niles laughed. "Yes, yes it is wonderful looking, Audrey and good morning to you too! We never got snow like this in Seattle. Umm… what time is it?"
"It's about 9:30. Why?"
Niles stifled a yawn, delaying his response.
"Riiiiiiight," Audrey said suitably chagrined. Niles could feel her blush even over the phone lines. "I woke you, didn't I? I am soooo sorry!
I guess I got carried away. But you know I really am right. We shouldn't waste a day like this! There's a great walking trail that isn't too long around Lake Whatcom near my place. It would be perfect for cross-county skiing. You do ski, don't you? I could make something for us to eat afterwards. Do you like Italian food?"
Niles looked over at his briefcase, bulging with a landslide of paper, uncharacteristically dumped on the floor in a corner of the bedroom, a palpable testament to his previous night's weariness. Getting together with Audrey certainly sounded much better than perusing the mediocre ramblings of mostly over-reaching students.
"It would mean I would have to work double hard to catch up before the marking deadline, but I could do it," he told himself with determination.
"That sounds… great, Audrey," he said with a hint of hesitant guilt. "Umm, I have done a bit of skiing, although never cross-country. Do you know any place I can buy the proper equipment?"
"Don't worry about that, there's a store that rents all sorts of sports gear near the park. I'm sure we can find you a suitable pair of skis and everything else you'll need this afternoon."
"Rent? You mean I would have to wear boots that someone else had…"
"Niles," Audrey interrupted. "Relax! Just wear extra thick socks! You'll never know the difference. Trust me!"
"All right, if you say so," pouted Niles. "But let it be on your head if I develop some type of foot fungus and…"
Audrey's laughter drowned out his dissertation on the evils of bacteria. "Niles! It will be all right. How's noon sound?"
"Noon sounds just fine," Niles replied with good-natured resignation.
"Don't forget to bundle up warm," she reminded him and then added, "and Niles… again, I'm sorry I woke you up. But this will be well worth it. I promise! I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Forgive me?"
"Of course," he said the corners of his lips instinctively turning up into a smile at the heartfelt apologetic sound of her voice. "I had to get up anyway. You did me a favour really. I'll be at your place by noon. I'll… I'll bring a bottle of wine for the meal. Bye now."
Niles set the phone back in its cradle. A look of sudden realization crept across his face.
"She was thinking about me…"
His exposed feet tingled as they came in contact with the bare planks of the wooden oak floor. He threw his robe around his shoulders and wandered downstairs to set the coffee maker and slice up a bagel for breakfast.
"She was actually thinking about me…"
A fortuitous giggle escaped from his lips.
He made a half-hearted attempt to read an essay while he ate, but his concentration just wasn't where it should have been. His mind was stuck on a mental picture of Audrey picking up the phone and dialing his number. A warm feeling began to spread throughout his body. He closed his eyes and let the sensation overtake him.
"She said she was thinking about me. She said that she couldn't… how did she put it? That she couldn't think of a better way to spend a Saturday…those were her words… hmmm."
The grandfather clock in the hallway chimed out 10:30, reminding him that if he was going to be on time, he needed to get ready. Niles put the breakfast dishes in the washer and bounded lightly up the stairs to the bathroom. He shrugged off his dressing gown and climbed into the tub. As the steamy water of the shower splashed over his body, his mind began to wander.
Since that Thanksgiving weekend they had got together another couple of times, but it was still very casual and he hadn't even given her so much as even a goodnight peck on the cheek. They had gone to see Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte at the Mount Baker Theatre, when the San Francisco Opera's touring company had come to town. But she met him out front and had bought her own ticket. Sure, they went for a drink afterward, but while they were at the bar some friends joined them and the direction of the conversation took a decidedly non-personal, "opera-loving" discussion type of a turn. Another time she had invited him along to see the Bellingham Theatre Guild production of "Our Town". Audrey said she had an extra ticket and thought he might like to go. A friend of hers had a role in the play. They met up with "Chuck", her friend from the past, and a few other cast members over lattes at an all night coffee bar near the theatre after, but once again she left on her own at the end of the evening. Niles actually felt a bit uncomfortable at that one – they all seemed to know each other from high school and he remained rather quiet throughout the evening. Audrey tried to draw him out, but Niles just felt out of place and preferred to sit back and observe her as she chatted with her old pals. He did notice that she kept glancing over at him and at one point, in front of all of the rest, she reached out and held his hand for a moment, when the topic of loss of a loved one came up.
"At any rate," Niles thought, "I have yet to be alone with Audrey on a date. This will be the first time really. I do want to be with Audrey. I enjoy when we are together. But in spite of all the good advice that Dad, Frasier and even Roz have given me, I still feel…so, so unsure of myself. I just don't know if I am prepared to handle what lies ahead."
Niles felt a hard cold feeling of trepidation in the pit of his stomach. He tried to quell the rising turmoil from spreading any further, but he knew if would be a difficult battle.
"So far we have just been getting to know each other, as friends – taking it slow, like I promised myself. Am I ready for more than that? This will be the first time that I've been invited over to her house. We'll be alone… not in a public place... just the two of us. There will be food and wine and… and maybe candlelight and… Oh God! What if she expects me to be… be more than a friend tonight? What if she is ready for something more in a relationship? Am I? My body wants me to explore those possibilities but…but what about my heart?"
He shut off the taps and stood in the tub. For a brief moment the cocoon of the shower seemed almost comforting, hiding him from…
Niles shivered, but not from the cold. He pushed those frightful thoughts away. He was determined not to let anything spoil this afternoon. They would probably just have a great time skiing and then enjoy a wonderful meal of pasta. Companionship was what he needed right now and Audrey was certainly good company.
"Don't make too big of deal about this!" Niles chided himself out loud. "Like Frasier said, I don't have to answer all the questions at once. Audrey doesn't have to know everything that is going on in my head. I've already told her that I was recently widowed, like Frasier suggested. I'll just take my time and see… and enjoy the moment. This is what your are supposed to do when you move on with your life, right? Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero! That's the spirit!
And with that little pep talk ringing in his ears Niles got dressed and left.
"Look out!" called Audrey, but it was too late.
Nile rounded the bend in the path a bit too quickly and promptly proceeded to topple over, ending up in a tangle of legs, arms, poles and skis. He wasn't badly hurt, but he definitely needed help extracting himself from his current predicament, nevertheless.
"Niles, are you all right?" Audrey inquired as she skied quickly over to his side.
He tried to get up on his own but ended up crossing his skis, which resulted in him going "ass-over-tea-kettle" again, this time face first into a snow bank. Despite her sympathy for his heroic efforts to right himself, Audrey found herself giggling until she could barely breathe.
"Well, I would be a lot more right, if you would cease and desist with the snickering, thank you!" Niles sputtered as he rolled over on his back while spitting the snow out of his mouth. Large flakes clung to his long lashes and eyebrows, sparkling in the late afternoon sun. This only served to accentuate the more comic aspects of his dilemma for Audrey.
"Relax, Niles," Audrey said stifling another laugh. "It isn't as if anyone you know will see you. We haven't met another soul all afternoon. You'd think this little bit of snow was a blizzard, the way the park has been abandoned. But as long as you aren't really hurt, I'll try to be more sensitive to your wounded ego."
She bit her lip in a valiant effort to keep her promise. He scowled at her.
"I'm sorry… here, let me give you a hand, Niles."
Audrey reached out and proffered him her arm. Niles clutched desperately at her offering and succeeded in tugging a bit too hard until Audrey lost her balance and tumbled down on him.
"Niles! Don't pull so hard!" Audrey shouted, as she ended up in a contortionist-like position on top of him. "Take it easy!"
Niles' indignation and frustration gave way to another type of agitation as he felt the weight of her prone body against his. Their faces were so close he could see a tiny bead of melted snow, as it slowly trickled down her cherry red lips and got lost in the crevice of her mouth. He could feel the moist warmth of her breath brush up against his flesh as she spoke.
"Niles…I… I'm sorry," she said, her voice crackling with intense emotion. "I… I didn't mean to… to –"
But Niles didn't let her finish. He tilted his face up, just ever so slightly and kissed her. Hesitantly at first, but when she didn't draw back, he finished with a hungry flourish.
When he opened up his eyes, hers were there to meet him, staring right back with a look that invited more. But before he could respond to that enticement, she pushed his glasses up, swooped down and kissed him. Full on the mouth - hard. Niles closed his eyes and felt like he was floating. The sensual taste of her in his mouth, the erotic smell of her perfume, the increasing heat from the flush of their cheeks, all propelled him along on a fervid wave. He frantically freed his hands from their ski pole shackles and pressed his arms into the small of her back. The pressure of her body sent billows of pleasure surging though him. She brought her fingers up to his face, stroking his cheeks delicately as she continued to caress him. Niles moaned and pulled her tighter into him, running his hands up and down her spine slowly. He felt intoxicated, his lascivious urges overriding any thought of social proprieties. For once Niles didn't care what any errant passersby would think of two middle-aged people displaying their lust out in public. He wasn't even really sure there was an outside world, at this point in time. It seemed as if Audrey and he were in a universe by themselves. When they broke apart with a gasp, the moment just hung in air, like a fragile crystal ornament ready to shatter at the first touch of reality. Audrey flicked away the remaining snow from his face and smiled. The sunlight was rapidly fading. The five o'clock shadows stretched out along the deserted trail, creeping ever closer to them where they lay on the frozen ground.
"Niles… I… I –"
He shushed her gently by placing an icy finger up to her lips.
"Shhh, don't say a word," he whispered, desperately trying to hold on to the ebullience that had overtaken him. "Please?"
He closed his eyes and intuitively found her lips again. He could hear her breathing quicken as he prolonged his kiss with probing eagerness. That tingling feeling of weightlessness enveloped him again. It was almost unbearably delicious. He hadn't felt like this in such a long time. Niles wanted it to last forever. Audrey's weight crushed against his chest as she fervently slipped her hands beneath the hood of his parka and fondled his hair affectionately. Even through all of his clothing, he was sure she could feel his swelling stiffness, hard evidence of the carnal cravings she aroused in him. He didn't care that she knew – he wanted her to. But mainly he just wanted…
The sun slipped beneath the horizon. The lengthening shadows finally overtook their position. It was just then that he felt a pinch of hard metal press into the flesh about his throat.
Niles bolted upright with such a force that Audrey nearly fell backwards herself as she sat up.
"Niles?" she asked in shock. "What's the matter?"
"Wh… what are we doing?" he stuttered. "What am I doing? My God!
How can this be hap… happening to me? This isn't right! She'll know."
He tore at his skis, ripping at the bindings and flung them aside. His uncontrollable torrent of passionate impetuosity dissolved as quickly as it had arisen. Niles felt the flush of shameful guilt. He turned away from her worried glance and rubbed his eyes furiously.
"Oh, God… I can't… I'm such a fool to let this happen!" he lamented.
As Audrey proceeded to try and calmly remove her own equipment, her voice trembled as she spoke.
"Niles, we weren't doing anything wrong. Please try and relax and calm down. I thought both of us were okay with what was happening just now. Tell me what is bothering you. Was it something I did?"
"No!" he shouted and then realizing his strong response had alarmed her, he implored, "No, no, no… please don't think that you did anything wrong. It's me… it's all… it's all my fault."
He sighed and sagged a bit, sitting back into the snow bank, like someone had just knocked the wind out of him.
Audrey picked up her skis in one hand and stood up.
"Come on," she stated quietly. "The sun's gone down. Let's go somewhere there is more heat and light and talk about this. My home is just over that hill a ways."
Niles didn't say a word, just looked up at her in the dusky light, gathered his things and followed after her. In fact, he didn't say anything at all until later, as they were trudging through the snow along the path to her house.
"Audrey," Niles eventually said as he cleared his throat. "Audrey, I'm sorry for the way I behaved back there. I don't know if I will be able to tell you what is wrong. I… I have such a difficult time with it… I'm just so afraid… "
"Afraid of what?" Audrey's voice showed genuine concern. "Afraid of… me?"
"No," Niles said thoughtfully. "I don't think so… I don't really know if I can find the right words to tell you of just what I am afraid of exactly… I haven't actually been able to face that monster yet."
"All right," Audrey said with kindly determination. "It's getting cold and late so we'll just set that conversation aside. Let's just go back to my place, have some dinner and see where it goes from there."
Niles didn't answer. He fell back a step or two and completed the rest of the journey in silence. He watched Audrey striding ahead of him, her skis in her hand. She seemed quite willing to give him some space and let him be alone with his thoughts.
"It's not to hard to imagine that she also has some things to mull over in her own mind about me right now, after my antics back on the trail there," he conjectured. "She's probably thinking that I'm a total neurotic, more in likely! And she'd be right!! One minute I'm Hugh Hefner, virtually pushing my tongue down her throat and then the next, I'm a blithering idiot, tossing her aside as if she were yesterday's newspaper! Great style, Niles! No wonder you've always been such a hit with the ladies! It is all so hopeless! I should just get out before any more damage is done and I scar her for life!"
Niles looked up into the sky as he walked. The snow had stopped and the crisp winter air bit through the darkening evening. The light of the rising moon cut a swath of brightness across the ghostly, cold terrain. He could feel it tracking him – like a searchlight exposing his soul. In the far distance, Niles could hear some dogs howling… or were they wolves? Niles hurried his step slightly and came up parallel to Audrey.
"No use getting eaten just because you made an ass of yourself," he thought.
Audrey glanced over at him as he suddenly reappeared by her side and pointed to a house in the distance.
"It's just up there - my house, that is. You can see the lights we left on."
Niles nodded his acknowledgement, but remained mute.
He still had plenty to contemplate and he had a feeling his time was running out.
Audrey flipped on the lights in the kitchen and closed the back door, as Niles propped up their skis against the wall.
"Why don't you get a fire started in the living room and I'll get dinner going." Audrey's voice sounded a bit strained.
"This couldn't be easy on her," Niles thought. "She has no idea what is going on here really. All she knows is that I am acting completely psychotic. She probably wishes she had never phoned me this morning. I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to see me again…"
"You can hang you coat up on the rack over there and there's wood in the – "
"Audrey, wait," Niles interjected. "I don't want to appear rude, but under the circumstances don't you think it is best if I… if I just leave?"
"Why?" she said succinctly, "Why should you leave, Niles?"
"Because I've caused enough trouble and… and I, " Niles looked down at the floor as he spoke. "I just don't want to… to worsen the situation, that's all."
"Niles, you are cold, hungry and I dare say, not at your best right now. I don't understand what is going on here exactly, but I do know a warm meal wouldn't hurt. Stay at least long enough to have something to eat."
"Well, I don't know," he said reluctantly. "I just don't think I would be very good company… I just don't - "
"Please, Niles?" she pleaded. "I can't force you to stay but please reconsider. I promise, I won't say a word, if that is what you want. Just stay and eat… please."
Niles looked up into her face at those words. He could see she was deadly serious. How could he deny her request now?
"We'll just have some food and then you can go, okay?" she confirmed. "Now go start the fire to warm this place up and I'll start making the sauce."
"All right," Niles said quietly. He turned to go out to the living room.
When he had taken two strides, he stopped and looked back. Audrey was still rooted to the same spot, with an anxious look on her face and he could have sworn he saw a tear in her eye.
"Audrey," he said slowly.
"What is it Niles?" she responded more calmly than she looked, but Niles could feel the tension in her voice.
"Thank you," he replied and he walked into the other room.
"I'm done with the dishes, Niles. How's the fire doing?" Audrey asked, with a tone of hopeful cheeriness, as she rounded the corner into the living room.
She had done quite a lot of thinking as they trudged back to her cottage that night through the snow. She had decided that it was important that they face some issues head on, no matter how painful it may seem. It was for her sake as much as it was for Niles'. She had to clarify their feelings for one another and it seemed like things had come to a definite crisis point on the trail that afternoon.
"I don't like running away from things," she thought. "I want candor, not confusion, as a starting point of this relationship – if there is going to be one."
She was glad that she had convinced him to stay for dinner at least. True to her word, she had let him eat with only a minimum of conversation. It was like walking on eggshells. He had been polite, but very subdued during the meal. Now that he had some food and wine in him, she optimistically held out to the possibility that he felt a bit more like talking about what was bothering him so much.
She strategically had shooed him out of the kitchen about 20 minutes ago and told him to replenish the fire. Her expectation was that this would give him enough time for some introspection and she could then coax him to open up a bit to her.
"Is there enough wood?" she continued. "It's still pretty cold in here. I've got more if we need it in the back room and – "
She stopped short. Niles was sitting on a low footstool in front of the fireplace. In one hand he held the poker and was jabbing at the logs with a distracted persistence. His other hand supported his head, his long fingers propping up his forehead. He didn't look relaxed. He looked troubled, very troubled indeed. Audrey sighed. Her strategy wasn't working. This was definitely a man burdened by a great many demons. She would have to take the initiative, but what was the best way to do this? She had a feeling he was extremely vulnerable at this moment.
"The coffee's almost ready, Niles. It might help warm us up too."
Niles turned towards her, as the sound of her voice finally registered in his consciousness.
The blaze of the fire filled the room with a mellow radiance, contrasting sharply with the strain on his face.
"I'm sorry," he said. His voice was rent with a raw, open wound quality. "Did you say that that you needed some help?"
She could tell he had been crying.
"No, I just wanted you to know that I put some coffee on," Audrey answered tenderly and came up and sat down beside him. "It will be about 10 minutes. Niles, you didn't eat an awful lot of dinner, did you want some desert? I think I have some biscuits or cookies."
She could see in the amber light that he had opened his shirt a bit and pulled out the chain with his wedding ring and Daphne's locket on it. It wasn't sitting obtrusively on the outside of his pullover, but there was no mistaking that he had extracted it from its hiding place within his clothes and had been looking at it only a short while ago.
"So that's what he felt when he changed course so suddenly this afternoon on the trail," she reasoned. "My God, it must have felt like an injection of pure guilt straight into his heart."
"Niles," Audrey said carefully, "Niles, I can be a pretty good friend, you know. I know you didn't feel like saying anything during dinner but it helps sometimes if you talk things out with someone. If you want to discuss anything, I am a very good listener."
She reached out for his hand, but he drew back. The look of anguish on his face was particularly intense. She knew immediately that it wasn't directed at her – it was one of pure self-loathing.
"Niles, you can't make anything better by keeping things bottled - " she started to say, but he shook his head to stop her.
Then the floodgates opened.
"If you only knew how p…pathetic I am," he said hoarsely. "I don't deserve anyone… it is ridiculous… laughable really. I'm such a mess."
"Niles, you are being much too harsh on yourself."
"No," he said firmly. "You don't understand… Did… did you know
I stayed married 15 years to a woman, who almost destroyed me, just because I didn't have the courage to tell her that I wanted to leave? I married another woman just to hide from my disappointment in myself – dragged her through an emotional nightmare… made her a bitter person… because I couldn't face up to reality… what a sad joke I am."
He laughed scornfully at himself and continued before she could protest.
"And I waited seven years to tell Daphne, the w… woman I truly loved, how I felt about her. We wasted so much time – we only had three years together as a result. I'm such a coward… really, nothing more than a c…coward."
Niles angrily shook his head. Audrey could see the tears glistening on his weary face in the subdued light of the fire.
"Niles - " she started to say, but he cut her off again.
"No, don't!" he said abruptly. "Don't! I don't deserve any sympathy. I was the architect of my own misery. If I had spoken up and been honest with Daphne, we would have had so many more years together. Maybe we would have had time to have the children that she wanted – that we both wanted. But I stayed silent, telling myself that I had to wait for the perfect time to tell her. I nearly let her marry someone else and I actually did. It was my brother Frasier who had to virtually carry me over the threshold and place her in my arms! I would have let her slip away from me if he hadn't had done that! I'm so pitiful! And just when I thought all my dreams had been answered… just when everything seemed to be falling into place - she d…died. Poetic justice of a sort, don't you think? God's retribution on me for my cruelty and cowardice."
Noiseless tears slipped down his cheeks.
Audrey shook her head to negate this assertion, but Niles' brutal self-assessment was just beginning to gather steam. That nameless monster wasn't in hiding any more.
"I'm a dangerous person," he persisted. "I'm a menace to those who dare to get close to me. I'll only end up hurting anyone who is foolish enough to fall in love with me."
"I don't believe that," Audrey quickly said.
They sat there in the darkening room, the silent void enlarging the gap between them. Audrey decided that she should take a different tactic.
"Niles," Audrey said solemnly, "Earlier this evening you said that you were sorry for the way you behaved this afternoon – what did you mean exactly? Were you sorry that you kissed me? What did you feel when we kissed? What did your heart tell you?"
He closed his eyes and swallowed slowly.
"I felt... I feel totally excited by your presence. Definitely sexually, yes, but also by everything else about you too," he uttered cautiously, choosing his words with extreme care. "Oh Lord, how you excite me! I feel alive when I am with you. I feel… I feel more complete than I have felt in a long time. I feel … happy… just by being near you. That's part of the problem… my problem. You stir feelings in me that I never thought I would ever know again. Deep feelings that I thought I could only have for one other person – feelings that I could only have for… for Daphne."
He opened his eyes and looked into her face. Even in the dying embers of the fire, she could see the dark cerulean blueness of them piercing through the dimness of the room – penetrating into her very soul.
"That's what really scares me so," he murmured quietly. "It's tearing me apart. I can't be unfaithful to Daphne. You see Daphne isn't just a memory for me. She's with me always. I sense her with me every day."
"Is that what you meant when you said 'She'll know' this afternoon on the trail?" Audrey prompted softly under her breath.
Niles didn't acknowledge her question, but continued, "Sometimes, I swear it's like I am just waiting for her to come back from the shopping, or… or that when I go downstairs, she'll… she'll be in the kitchen making tea. I thought that those feelings would dissipate somewhat when I moved, but they haven't. I thought it was living in Seattle, staying in our old apartment, being around all the places we went together. But that's not it at all. It's much more than that! I live in the shadow of her every day. Sometimes it is very comforting but sometimes, like today, it is very frightening. Until I can sort this out, I have no right to drag you along through my torment. I shouldn't try and make you a part of 'Niles' little psychodrama'! No one deserves that kind of punishment."
"But I am a part of it, aren't I?" asked Audrey. "This isn't just happening to you. I have feelings too. I have an emotional stake in this too now! You can't back away from this just based on your feelings alone. You weren't kissing a ghost today, Niles – you were kissing a real flesh and blood woman." She grabbed him by the shoulders and held onto him firmly. This time she wasn't going to let him go. "I felt the rush of that exciting moment when we kissed! I wanted you every bit as much as you wanted me. But it's more than that, Niles! I can feel your agony now and it hurts me. I can't stand idly by and watch you in so much pain. I care about you Niles… I care about you very much. You need someone real Niles - not a specter… not a shadow. Someone to hold you, to care for you and love you. Why shouldn't that person be me, Niles?"
Niles sprang up suddenly, but he didn't move otherwise.
"No," he said darkly. "No."
"Niles, I think I am falling in love with you. Is there anything really wrong with that?"
"You can't," Niles said tearfully. "Don't you see… I'll never be able to love anyone the way I loved Daphne… Damn… damn her for being so… so perfect! When she died, she left me an emotional cripple… C.S. Lewis' original 'one-legged man'… Do you want to be a crutch, Audrey? Is it fair that I use you, like I used Mel - as a substitute for Daphne? I swore I'd never do that again to anyone!"
He gritted his teeth and clenched his hands in a knot by his side. Tears rolled down Audrey's cheeks. She waited knowing that the fury that he had kept locked up inside him was just beginning to burst forth.
"This is what her dying did to me! I loved her so much! I would have gladly given up my life for hers! But now I'm doomed to live within the shadow of her love. Not her real love, mind you – only the shadow! I want to love you, Audrey, I really do! But I figure anyone who is close to me has to live in that shadow too. That's too much to ask any one person to do!"
He took a gulp of air and raised his fists.
"Oh, God! The closer I try and get to someone, the more I feel I am betraying her! I'm caught in trap and I can't escape!" he wailed. His mouth contorted into a painful slash on his face. "Sometimes, I hate her!! I hate Daphne for dying and leaving me! I want… God help me… I want to be free of the ghost of Daphne!"
Niles collapsed onto the couch sobbing.
"No! No! How c… can I say such vile th… things! It makes me sick to hear myself speak such disgusting thoughts!" he spit the words out. "I can't hate her! I loved her! I loved her so very, very much! She m… m…meant… everything to m… me! Oh God! I just want this aching to stop! I'm just so tired… tired of running and hiding… from Daphne, from you… from myself… I just don't know what to feel any more, I'm so numb from all the pain."
The wrath inside of him spent, his head drooped while his shoulders shook in violent fits and starts as he gasped for air.
Audrey slid over beside him and cradled him in her arms.
"Shhh," she comforted. "Shhh… let it out Niles. It's all right. You're finally facing that demon – and that fiend is the rage you have been carrying with you since she died. It's all right for you to be angry with Daphne. Let that anger out! You don't really hate her! You're just angry that she's gone. I can tell by your passionate words and by the look in your eyes when you told me about her, that she meant the world to you Niles. And when she died your world shattered. It must have been so hard for you! I can't be Daphne. I wouldn't even think of trying to be her substitute. But we both know after what happened today, that there is definitely something between us... something that I want to give a chance to grow Niles. I know that what you went through wasn't easy. But you can't just shut yourself off from life. Doing that won't make the pain of losing Daphne go away. I know you have a long road in front of you before things are fully right again. But sometimes the greatest journeys start with the smallest of steps. Let me help you take that first step. Let me help you start healing those wounds, Niles. Let me love you Niles."
She kissed his cheek lightly and removed his glasses. Slowly, with deliberate fondness, she whiped his tear-stained face dry with the edge of her sleeve.
"Why?" he whimpered meekly, looking up into her face. "Why would you do this for me?"
"Not for you," she gently corrected. "But I would do this for us. Why? Because I think you are worth it"
Niles closed his eyes and laid his head down on the couch. Audrey reassuringly stroked his brow. Her touch seemed to act like a salve on his battered soul. A look of relief spread across his face.
She realised that what had passed between them tonight had been a remarkable step in the right direction, but it had taken its toll on his body and his mind. It was time for him to rest. And her too. They would talk more in the morning. She tossed another log or two on the fire, threw a blanket over Niles' reclining form and quietly retreated to her own bedroom.
When she turned and looked back, she could hear the steady, sleep- induced rhythm of his breathing through the darkness.
His earlier words still echoed in her ears.
"I want to love you, Audrey, I really do!"
"You are a strange and wonderful man, Niles Crane," she whispered. "And I want you to love me, too. Let's hope you can find a way."
End of Chapter 6 (to be continued)