At the Heart of It All
by Val McCaffery
Chapt. 7: Revelations
It was the blinding light that Niles first noticed. It achromatized the vista before him, bleaching the vibrant tones from everything he saw. Niles brought his hands up to shield his eyes. He scanned the scene, hunting for clues, searching for some solid evidence to indicate his whereabouts. It all seemed faintly familiar, the placement of the trees and low-lying shrubs, the way the ground undulated out in front of him in small rolling knolls. He had the distinct feeling that he had been there at sometime in the past, but the exactitude of it all eluded him. It all seemed so serene, but he suspected that even in the most peaceful of places, there could be hidden dangers. A sense of trepidation began to take hold of him.
Then without warning the landscape seemed to be shifting. Niles felt himself being pulled along, almost effortlessly; moving further into the image that encompassed him. He realised now that he was in Forest Hills, the cemetery where Daphne had been laid to rest. He could see the rows of drab headstones silently announcing their sorrowful contents. Why hadn't he seen them earlier? He looked up into the sky. Chalky clouds skirted across the azure expanse above his head, blocking out some of the intensity of the surrounding light. Niles wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. At least now he could see more clearly. The verdant vegetation and well-manicured lawns almost seemed supersaturated with brilliant color compared to only moments ago. What was that dark spot on the horizon? Niles squinted. Why hadn't he worn his glasses? Tentatively he began walking towards the distant cryptic image. As he drew closer he realised it was a group of people obviously gathered at a graveside. He could feel his heart start to palpitate wildly.
"It can't be for Daphne's, can it?" he wondered. "I know she's already been buried. It must be something like a memorial service. But why didn't anyone inform me?"
As he approached he could hear the ritualistic murmurs of the Episcopalian priest. No one looked up as Niles proceeded to the front of the somber assemblage.
"I must be late," he worried. "Thank God no one has noticed!"
He took his place between Frasier and his father and quietly bowed his head. His eyes traveled downward. His mouth fell open in shock as he discovered he was completely naked! Niles felt mortified. And to add to his utter humiliation he noticed that he also had an undeniable erection.
"My God!" Niles cried. "I've got to get out of here!"
"Shh!" Frasier admonished him. "Really Niles, this isn't the time or the place for that type of behaviour! Can't you control your urges!"
"Go easy on him Fraz," Martin advised. "You know he just lost the only woman he loved. It's hard on him." Both Frasier and Martin chuckled at the embarrassing pun.
"Is that some kind of a sick joke?" Niles thought. "How can Frasier and Dad be so lacking in sympathy for me?"
Niles tried to cover himself, but whatever he did it wasn't enough. An undertone of troublesome mutterings began to permeate the group.
"Really! And his beloved wife barely cold in the ground!"
"Do you think that exhibition is for her or someone else?"
"Who knows? He said he loved her, but she's dead now, so. "
Niles turned in a panic to try and flee, but the crowd blocked his path. They weren't going to let him escape!
Frasier demanded, "Niles is it true? What are your feelings. now that Daphne is. there!"
Niles followed his brother's pointing finger and was horrified to discover that Daphne wasn't in a casket, but lying in the open grave, her pallid complexion accentuated by the dark earth around her. Her eyes were closed and her hands were folded neatly across the lap of her favourite red dress. Seeing her there in her pale, deathly slumber was too much for him to endure. Niles felt his body convulse. The dark, expanding clouds now shrouded the heavens entirely in gloom. The agitation of the surrounding people rose collectively, increasing his agonizing plight.
"Prove that you love her!" someone shouted.
"Yes, talk is cheap!"
"Show us. We want proof!"
"Yes, proof.proof.. proof!" went up the incessant chant.
"Help me!" pleaded Niles. "Frasier. Dad?"
He felt like he was suffocating! He couldn't breathe! The mob surged forward knocking him over. His bare feet slipped on the smooth earth. Desperately he clawed at the air, but there was nothing to grip onto and he found himself catapulted through the void. He was tumbling into Daphne's grave. He was going to be buried alive! His mouth began to fill with dirt. He choked, gasping for air! In a total state of frenzy Niles futilely tried to climb out of the abyss.
"I'm going to die!" he moaned. "I don't want to. I've got to wake up from this nightmare! Help. help me. please!"
The darkness closed around him once again...
When he woke up the blanket that covered him was drenched in sweat and swathed about his body like a mummy's shroud.
Niles freed his arm from its woolen prison and glanced at his watch. It took a few seconds for his eyes and brain to register the green glow of 3:15 a.m. He lay back down on the couch in complete exhaustion. The fire was a smoldering pile of ashes now. A shiver flickered through his body. Niles pulled the covers up around himself tighter, to help stave off the increasingly cold air.
He closed his eyes, desperately hoping that sleep would overtake him once again. But part of him knew that with it would come the relentless nightmares. an invasion of guilt, bitterness and longing that had raided his life since Daphne died. It was enough to make him wish for the blissfulness of insomnia.
It was then, as he lay in the chilly gloom of Audrey's living room, that he decided to return to Seattle for the holidays. He couldn't even answer why it was suddenly so important to him - he just knew he needed to retreat. to go. home. Maybe it was because it was so near to Christmas. a Christmas that would be a first for him without Daphne in almost ten years. Even before they got together, she had always been a special part of that time of the year for him, ever since she first entered the Crane family's lives. Daphne always adored Christmas and Niles adored the fact that she adored it, and after they were together, Daphne adored that he adored. Niles stared up into the darkness. This Christmas would be especially hard on him. He needed to feel connected to his past somehow. Maybe going back to Seattle for a bit would give him a comforting ritual to lean on. He could just pretend, just for a little while at least.
On the other hand, maybe he had an urge to go back to Seattle because, in the back of his mind, he had always felt like he had run away from that end of his life. Going back would give him a chance hopefully to face whatever he had turned his back on. Then he could go forward with his life with a clearer conscience. Maybe.
Niles wasn't confident that the answer would be found, even in Seattle. but it was worth a try.
"Good morning! Would you like some breakfast, Niles?" Audrey asked as she rounded the corner of the living room. "It wouldn't take me long to make some toast or even eggs if you'd like."
Niles didn't say a word. He rubbed his eyes and swung his legs to the floor. Audrey could tell that he had something on his mind by the way his fingers distractedly picked at the fabric of the blanket that had covered him during the night.
"No, no thank you, Audrey," he said, his focus on the blanket intensifying as he spoke. "I. I don't really feel like eating at the moment. I hope you understand."
She crossed the room and rescued the covering from his hands, folding it up carefully and placing it on the arm of the sofa. "I'm trying to understand Niles. I'm trying very hard."
Niles looked down at his rumpled clothes and shifted uncomfortably about, making an unsuccessful attempt to smooth the wrinkles out while still remaining seated on the sofa. Audrey shook her head slightly and stifled an overwhelming impulse to hug and shake him at the same time.
"I have a feeling we aren't talking about breakfast any longer, are we?" he said quietly.
"No, we aren't Niles." Audrey leaned over and kissed him cautiously on his bristly cheek. Niles didn't retreat from her, but a look of pensive consideration met her when she tilted her head back.
"Sometimes you don't make it very easy Niles," Audrey added. "I told you yesterday how I feel about you - how you affect me and. and I haven't really heard what you want to do about it. Where do we go from here?"
"Audrey," he responded deliberately. "I have a lot of questions. questions that I have to get some answers for before I can go any further."
He reached out and brushed a wayward strand of hair out of her eyes and tucked it behind her ear softly. His fingers lingered on the nape of her neck as he spoke. Audrey trembled under his touch.
"The Christmas break is coming up soon. I think I'll use that opportunity to go back to Seattle and spend some time with my family. I don't know if that will help me find some answers, but it might. I just want to be able to love and remember Daphne. without hating myself."
Audrey took a rather large gulp of air. She was scared. He wanted to put some distance between them and. and then what? Would she just become a short-lived memory? Had she pushed him too fast with an emotional deluge that he couldn't handle? She felt like crying, but knew that wouldn't help things. This just wouldn't work unless he trusted her enough to let it happen.
Niles took her hand and held it tightly. Audrey reveled in the way his long fingers wrapped around hers. He rubbed her skin gently as he continued, "Is that all right? I mean, I don't want it to appear that I am running away. away from you or. from us."
"Niles," she said bravely, her voice shaking a bit. "I don't want you entering into this relationship consumed by so much pain or doubt that it jeopardizes the promise of what could be. If seeing your family will help you move forward, then by all means, do what ever it takes, Niles - for both of us."
Audrey noticed the some of the tension in Niles' grip diminish, as a sigh escaped from his lips. She could sense the impact of his gaze as it traveled from her hands, journeyed along her arms, lingered a bit on her lips and then finally came to rest at her eyes. Audrey gasped slightly as she met his look and felt the intensity of his emotions. His cobalt stare didn't waver. She was sure he was going to kiss her, but he hung back, the hesitation in him ultimately winning over his desires.
"Somehow I've got to let him know that I am here for him," she thought. "I've got to show him that I understand his pain... That I won't disappear when he needs someone to lean on... That I want to be with him no matter what."
"I.I should be g.going," Niles stammered. "I have a lot to do before the holidays begin."
He rose from the couch and gathered up his sweater, heading into the back mudroom as he continued to talk.
"I could take back all the skis, if you like, on my way home today," he chattered nervously. "You can't imagine the amount of student papers that I have to mark before the Christmas break. I'll have to pack and close up the house and -"
Niles stopped suddenly and glanced back at Audrey, who had slowly followed after him. She wanted to run into his arms and have him hold her closely.
"I'll call you when I get to Seattle," he said, his voice shaking.
"This isn't going to be easy for me either," she thought. "I hope he realizes that."
"Yes, you call me when you get to Seattle," she repeated. "I. I'd like that. very much. I hope you find the answers you need. I'll miss you, Niles."
Audrey turned away.
"I wish he would just leave, before I break down and either start to cry or run over there and smother him with kisses!"
She heard him zip up his parka and pick up the skis.
"I. I guess I should be on my way," he mumbled awkwardly. "Good bye. goodbye Audrey."
The screen door closed with a springy bang behind him. She went to the window and watched him. At first he struggled a bit, trying to fit the skis into his trunk, but his persistence paid off and soon he had conquered the errant equipment. Once inside the car, Niles just sat there, as if immobilized by an inexplicable force, his hands frozen on the steering wheel, his stare fixated on a distant spot on the horizon. Audrey was just about to the point where she was going to go out and ask him if he needed some help, when she saw him suddenly shake his head slowly, put the key in the ignition and then cautiously drive off down the lane way.
"You had better call me Niles Crane," she said out loud to herself. "I don't think I could stand it if you didn't. And don't you lose your way and forget about me!"
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Niles carefully folded his neatly pressed tee shirt and placed it into the exact spot that he had designated for undergarments in his luggage. As he went through these perfunctory motions he was thinking about how surprised Frasier had been when he phoned and told him that he would be able to make it down to Seattle for Christmas after all. At first he tried to make it sound like a casual decision, but Niles knew Frasier picked up on the urgent sound in his voice almost immediately.
"I thought you said that you wouldn't have time," Frasier said suspiciously. "That you wanted us to come up to Bellingham. Why the sudden change, with the holiday only a week away? Is something up Niles?"
"Why does anything have to be up?" Niles replied defensively. "My schedule just cleared a bit more quickly than I anticipated so I would like to be in Seattle with my family for Christmas - anything wrong with that?"
"Niiillles." It was a gentle admonishment, but a clear indication that Frasier wasn't buying it.
"Oh, all right," Niles conceded. "I need to talk to you about something that has come up. something in my priv... private life."
Frasier didn't say too much as Niles proceeded to fill him with a condensed version of some of the things that he had been experiencing. He discreetly left out the sensual minutiae of the skiing trip, just saying that over the course of the past few weeks he had developing feelings for Audrey that were increasingly more difficult for him to handle.
"I just need to be. be in some familiar territory, Frasier," Niles admitted. "Remember that compass you gave me when I first moved here? Well, right now it's pointing to. Seattle. I can't really explain it any better than that. I know it's rather sudden. but I hope you understand. You up for it?"
"You can count on me anytime, brother," was Frasier's unqualified reply.
With a final look around his bedroom, Niles headed down the stairs to turn on the timer lights before starting out on his journey.
After coding in the house alarm, he picked up a small, meticulously wrapped parcel off the hall table and put it in his overcoat pocket.
"I'll drop this off at Audrey's office on my way out of town," he thought. "I want her to have it, even if I won't be around for Christmas."
The sound of light tapping on the front door interrupted his thoughts.
Niles opened it to find Audrey standing there in front of him, a bit breathless, as if she had made a mad dash to catch a departing train.
"Oh, Niles," she said, a toothy grin breaking out on her face. "I'm so glad I caught you before you left! I have something here for you."
And with that, she thrust a brightly colored package into his hand.
"Merry Christmas, Niles," she whispered, as she stood on her tiptoes and brushed his cheek with an airy kiss.
"Thank you, Audrey," he said shyly. "This is quite a coincidence - I have something I was just about to take over to you. Here.this. this is for you. "
His voice trailed off as he slipped his hand into his coat pocket and offered her his gift.
"Open mine first, silly," she teased. "I want you to see what it is before you leave on your trip."
Niles fastidiously pealed back the paper to reveal a CD.
"Die Zauberflöte. Mozart's 'The Magic Flute'," he said in awe. "Arturo Toscanini conducting. It's the 1937 recording with the Vienna Philharmonic. It's a. a classic. I didn't know it was finally on CD. I've loved this opera ever since I was a little boy. It's breathtaking! Thank you. I can listen to it on the way to Seattle."
"I knew it held a special meaning for you. now more than ever perhaps. It's.it's about the power of. of love," she said in a hushed tone.
Niles looked down at her glowing face, his eyes glistening with appreciation. "Thank you, Audrey," he repeated. His hands reached out and clasped her arms affectionately. His eyes were riveted to hers for what seemed like infinity.
Audrey swallowed hard.
"I'm. I'm glad you. like it, Niles."
She licked her lips.
All Niles could see was her moist, crimson mouth and a tiny hint of her pinkish, wet tongue half-hidden behind a row of milky teeth.
He could feel himself falling again. falling into that pit of irresistible longing and undeniable anxiety. It seemed like that relentless struggle within him would never let him fully enjoy a moment like this. It would never let him give himself over to the feelings that he longed for. He closed his eyes and cleared his throat.
"I. I think it is your turn now, Audrey," Niles croaked huskily. His hands dropped to his sides in self-defeat.
"Will my fear always win out in the end?" he wondered.
"So it is," she said as she broke away from the tension of the moment and pulled gently on the pale, satin bow that bound up the box that he had put into her hands. "Oh, oh, Niles. Niles, you shouldn't have! Earrings.They're beautiful! I didn't get you anything nearly as grand!"
Niles felt a shiver go through his body as those all too familiar words, echoing from a chilly night on a balcony many years in the past, came flooding back to him.
"They're late Victorian," he said, his voice wavering. "I thought you might like them."
"They're so elegant." Audrey enthused. "I want to put them on right now."
"They reminded me of you," Niles said quietly. "They have. a great beauty without being ostentatious."
Audrey blushed.
"Here," she said as she removed her old pair. "Help me with these, please."
Niles coaxed the new ones out of their little velvet box. He delicately pushed her hair away, the back of his hand grazing her cheeks as he slipped the earrings on Audrey's nubbins of flesh.
Audrey's fingers clutched at his hand as he finished. It was all so intoxicating. so uncontrollable. so.
Niles surrendered to his ardent desires and bent his head down and kissed her. The taste of her in his mouth was like a starving man's first meal.
"Audrey, I. I have to go," he pleaded, more trying to convince himself, rather than to imply that she was keeping him against his will.
"I know," she said regretfully. "I don't want to stop you, I just want to remind you of why you are coming back."
She hugged him tightly, holding onto him while she buried her face in the chest of his coat.
"Please call me as soon as you get to Seattle," she implored.
Niles stroked the top of her head, "I will," he said simply.
She seemed mollified and released him from her hold. Niles turned and picked up his bags, giving both of them a few minutes to compose themselves.
"Take care driving, Niles," Audrey said as she stepped into the crisp December air and took a deep breath out on the porch.
"Yes, of course," Niles replied as he locked the door and proceeded down the steps towards his car. "I'll see you in about two weeks."
Niles watched as Audrey walked to the curb and climbed into her own vehicle. When she had driven out of sight, he leaned against the trunk of his car and sighed.
"My God, I not only want to love her," he thought. "I know now that I do love her! Now, if I only had the courage to show her that I love her. Maybe that's what I'm hoping to find in Seattle."
Frasier was pleased that for most of the time, Niles actually appeared from all outward signs, to be enjoying Christmas day surrounded by his family. The familiarity of it all seemed to comfort him. There was of course, the key missing element - Daphne - but Niles looked as though he was trying his best to remain cheerful and not let her absence overwhelm him. Roz helped a great deal to lighten the mood when she arrived with Alice.
"It's hard for anyone to remain glum in the presence of the absolute joy that a little child feels towards Christmas," Frasier observed.
But finally the façade of gaiety fell away, and when it did Niles came in at lightning speed for a crash landing.
It occurred just after dinner. The gifts had all been unwrapped and the "thank you"s and "I love it!"s had all made their rounds. Once the plates had been cleared Alice begged her Uncle Niles to play "Jingle Bells" on the piano. At first, he expressed a bit of reluctance, but with Alice cajoling him in her best little girl fashion, his resistance finally broke down and he agreed to her demands. After producing a highly stylized version of the simple sleighing song, Niles seemed to be happily caught up in the moment and continued on with a selection of other songs, both secular and religious. Everyone joined in and all seemed to be going well until he played "Silent Night"...
"Round yon virgin, Mother and Child, Holy infant, so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace."
As the last pensive refrain resonated throughout the room, Niles froze at the keyboard, his hands hovering in the air for a moment. An uncomfortable stillness rippled outward, overtaking the rest of the group. Frasier cleared his throat. Martin shifted uneasily on his cane and looked over Niles' shoulder at Roz, who shrugged back at him. Alice, not understanding the sudden cessation of the merriment, tugged on Niles' jacket sleeve and innocently requested "One more please, Uncle Niles."
Niles hurriedly brushed away a tear that tracked down his cheek, quietly suggested that it was about time that Frasier had a chance to play something and beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom near the entrance to the apartment.
"W. what happened?" asked Roz. "Everything seemed to be going so well. He really looked like he was enjoying himself. Was it a favourite Christmas song of Daphne's or something?"
"Not that I know of," Martin offered. "Daph told me one time that she liked "Silver Bells" best of all."
"It wouldn't have to be anyone's favorite," explained Frasier. "It could have just triggered a past memory of something Daphne said, or Niles could have associated it with a feeling that reminded him of her. or maybe just the tone of the piece made him feel downhearted. Remember this is his first Christmas without her. When he called and told me he was coming, he mentioned that he is going through a particularly rough time right now."
Roz glanced towards the bathroom door.
"Do you think his meeting Audrey has anything to do with it?" she said under her breath.
"I think it has everything to do with it," confirmed Frasier. "I still think he should see a therapist."
"What's a ther. a. pist, Mommy?" Alice interrupted.
Roz turned to her six-year-old child and like any good parent said, "Alice, it's getting late. Go get your jammies on. They're in the bag on Uncle Frasier's bed. That way you'll be all ready for bed. We're going home in a little while."
"Come into the kitchen," said Frasier as he led the way.
Once they were safely ensconced in the other room, Frasier continued.
"I think he hasn't grieved properly over Daphne's death and now his meeting Audrey has just complicated matters," Frasier explained. "He's pushed himself to the limit with a new job, a new home and now he is bringing a new person into his life."
"Do you think he is falling for Audrey?" asked Roz.
"He says his feelings for her have deepened," Frasier said, "He's been plagued by very troubled dreams apparently and isn't getting much sleep lately. He's repressing a lot of guilt and anger about the loss of Daphne, if you ask me."
"Wow!" gasped Roz. "Niles in love. I told him to scratch an itch, not cut his wrist!"
"It was bound to happen," Martin stated as a matter of fact. "Niles has always hated being alone. I just didn't think it would happen so. so quickly. He just met this gal, didn't he?"
"I know, Dad," agreed Frasier. "It's all moving way too fast for my liking. I just don't want him to be hurt any further."
"Well, what if Audrey really feels for him, Frasier?" interjected Roz. "What if she has fallen for him? I mean, I can't explain it, b. but some women have found him attractive - Daphne, certainly did. and Mel. and I guess Maris, too, in her own strange way."
"Eeeww!" exclaimed Martin. "Don't bring up the 'M' word in this house!"
"Which one? Maris or Mel?" Roz asked.
"Doesn't matter - either!" Martin pointedly remarked.
"Will you two listen?!?" steamed Frasier. "He hasn't even faced the reality of her death - "
"Uncle Niles, what's a th.ther. a. pist?"
Roz's mouth fell open at the sound of her daughter's voice. For a split second the little cadre of friends in the kitchen froze, unable to even consider how to thwart the juvenile inquisitor.
Roz was the first to leap into action. She bolted from the kitchen with lightening speed, but it was too late.
"Well, Alice," Niles said patiently as he sat down beside her on the sofa, "A therapist is a doctor who tries to help people who are hurt here." His finger tapped his temple lightly.
Roz stopped in her tracks as she approached the dinning room table, giving Niles and Alice a wide enough berth as to give the appearance of privacy, but still stay within the range of hearing all of the conversation. Frasier and Martin quickly followed behind her from the kitchen. The three of them stood together anxiously watching as this bizarre little two- character drama unfold.
"Does a therapist put a band-aid on someone's head?" the little girl asked innocently.
"Nooo," replied Niles carefully. "But a therapist can help all the same. They usually make someone better by getting them to talk about what is hurting so bad - talking sometimes helps more than a bandage for certain types of hurt."
"So will a therapist make you feel better?" said Alice with a directness that only a child could achieve.
Niles looked up and glanced at the trio by the table. Frasier suddenly felt like an uninvited guest at a private party. He cast his eyes downward and wished he were invisible.
"Why do you ask that?" Niles said patiently turning his attention back to the little girl. Frasier let out his breath slowly thankful that his brother's focus had been temporarily diverted. "Do you think that. I am. hurt?"
"Yup!" Alice said without hesitation. "You're very, very sad, just like I was when my hamster died. I think you miss Auntie Daphne a lot. I know I do."
"Yes, you are right. I do miss her," Niles quietly confirmed. "I miss her very much."
"So is Uncle Martin a therapist?" Alice queried. Niles smiled, but before he could answer, Alice continued. "Because he helped me by talking to me about my hamster. We talked about hamster heaven and how once they go there they can't come back, but I shouldn't feel too sad because they are so happy there. Talking with Uncle Martin helped me. It made me miss my hamster less."
Niles looked up at his father.
"Is that so? Well, he's a pretty wise fellow that Uncle Martin," he said. "And I am sure he has helped me since Auntie Daphne. died. Everyone has tried in their own way, I guess."
"Even Mommy?" Alice asked.
"Yes, even your mother," Niles replied without a pause.
"But. you are still sad, aren't you?" Alice asked
"Yes," Niles answered shakily.
Alice thought for a moment and then said. "I guess Auntie Daphne dying was a pretty big hurt, wasn't it? Bigger than my hamster, right?"
"Much, much bigger, my dear," Niles whispered.
Frasier shook his head. It was painful for him to watch his brother's emotions so easily exposed by the innocent prodding of a child.
"You know what else helped me Uncle Niles?" Alice asked. Niles shook his head. "When I got a new hamster, I didn't feel so bad. He wasn't exactly like my first one, but I love him just the same. Whenever I start to feel sad, I just give my new Hammie a hug and he makes me feel better. Maybe you will find someone to hug too?"
Niles didn't answer. He closed his eyes and clasped his hands together to stop them from shaking.
"Uncle Niles, have I helped?" Alice's voice was filled with an eager earnestness. "Because. I want to help too."
"Yes," Niles answered. "You certainly have helped Alice."
Niles reached softly over and kissed Alice on the head.
"Then that makes me a therapist too!" she announced with satisfaction as she gave him a hug. "Good night Uncle Niles."
"And you're a pretty good therapist at that," Niles said as he rose up off the sofa. "Good night, Alice."
Roz walked slowly up and collected her daughter.
"Niles. I. I'm so sor -"
Niles put his hand up to stop her.
"It's all right Roz," he mumbled. An awkward pause fell over the room. "Well, I'll say my goodnights to you all. I think I'm ready to turn in. It's getting late. thanks for the lovely Christmas."
As Niles headed past Frasier and Martin, his father reached out and stopped him with a gentle but firm grip.
"Niles, we are always here for you," he said. "When you feel like talking you know you can depend on us to listen and support you."
"Thanks, Dad," Niles mumbled. "And thanks. everybody. Just being here for this Christmas has meant so much to me, but right now I would like to get some rest."
Frasier started to follow him, but Niles protested, "I'm O.K. . really. I'm just a bit tired, that's all."
And with those words, he retreated down the hallway to the privacy of the study.
"Well, it's time I took Alice home," Roz said, breaking the silence that had come over the room. "Come on sweetie. Let's get going."
Once the farewell embraces were distributed all round, Frasier shut the door and headed in the direction of his brother's room.
"Son," whispered Martin, "I think we should just let Niles be for the night. We can talk with him in the morning."
"But, Dad - "
"No," insisted Martin. "We've told him that we are here for him. He'll talk about it when he is ready. Niles lost a large part of his life when Daphne died. And it's Niles who has to deal with that missing piece of the puzzle - not you or me! Who knows, maybe we are wrong - maybe this gal Audrey is just the person to help Niles find the love he lost? But he has to make that choice for himself. We should give him some space. Leave him be. Now, let's go."
"This image puts a spell on me A beauty only gods should see I feel it, I feel it. How this angel's face awakes my heart, Now filled with grace Awakes my heart, now filled with grace I cannot name this strange new yearning That fills my heart like fire burning. "
Tamino's aria filled Niles' ears and spirit as he lay stiffly on the sofa bed, still in his clothes, listening to the CD in the darkened room. The light from the window bathed the room in a pale, grayish-blue hue. The haunting music drifted over him as he stared up at the ceiling. Niles knew "The Magic Flute" first act's words off by heart, but never did it hold such meaning for him. Or cause him such consternation. He believed Audrey's developing love for him was genuine, but did she really even understand what he was going through? Was he using her as a way to work through his grief for Daphne? Being back here so close to everything that reminded him of Daphne had planted the seeds of doubt in his consciousness. Was Audrey just a substitute for Daphne or did he love her for who she really was? The strains of the instruments and voices washed over him like a tidal wave. No! His feelings for Audrey were real! She was Pamino. He was Tamino. Together they would find a way to see that their love triumphed, even through the most difficult of ordeals.
"It is love! Love alone Oh just to find her, would restore me Then I would, I would - love divine - what would I do? Next to my heart I would invite her The flame inside me would delight her."
"Restore me!" Niles thought. "That's what Audrey's love can do for me. Ignite a flame inside me that wants to burn brightly, but hasn't had any fuel to keep it going."
But these were the feelings that he had always reserved for Daphne. He had pledged his undying love to her. How could he find two loves to last a lifetime? Could any man be so fortunate and so cursed at the same time? Maybe coming home for Christmas was really a bad idea - too many memories of Daphne to contend with.
"We made love in this very room! After our passions spilled over in the living room, we ended the evening in here. I remember every detail. how she turned down the sheets, how she put a silk scarf over the lamp and I lit some candles. Oh, God!! She was so soft and warm in my arms. "
Niles closed his eyes. He could feel Daphne's smile - he reached out to her. But he felt like he was trying to hold onto a shadow. The harder he tried to hold on, the more it slipped away. He needed something real. He wanted someone to love, and someone to love him back, desperately. The tears flowed down his face and he let out a muted cry as a cold dark stab of pain cut through his life.
"I suffer from the deepest sorrow. I've lost all joy now for tomorrow I've lost all joy now for tomorrow A wicked beast, a wicked beast Stole her from here."
The words of the song became a revelation. It dawned on him that Audrey had selected that opera not only as a way of signaling her passion for him, but also she was telling him that she understood his sorrow at losing Daphne - that he wasn't alone in his pain any more. And she would help him slay that wicked beast of emptiness that had taken over his heart.
"Daphne!" he wept out loud "Goodbye my love. "
He could finally let Daphne go. go to special place in his heart and let Audrey's love in. He was ready. He took the chain that held his wedding ring and Daphne's locket from around his neck. He would find a place of honor for it in his life, but it wouldn't serve as a barrier between him and the real world any longer. It couldn't. Daphne would never have wanted her love to cause him to remain in such pain. It was her dying wish that he find happiness in his life after she was gone and Niles knew that he would never possess this unless he was with Audrey now.
"Thank you, my love," he whispered. "Thank you."
Frasier was first drawn down the hallway by the sounds of the music.
"I still see her terror Her trembling, her horror Too frightened, too tender She had to surrender And so I watched while she was taken "Ah, help!", "Ah, help!" was all that she could say She must have felt she was forsaken For all my strength had gone away. "
When he approached nearer he could clearly hear his brother sobbing.
"Daphne! Goodbye my love!"
"To hell with what Dad said," he thought. "Niles needs someone and I can't just stand idly by and watch him suffer!"
"Niles?"
"Niles, are you all right?"
Frasier opened the door slowly and peered in.
Niles lay rigidly on the bed surrounded by the music and the darkness.
"And when at last with you I see her She's yours to love for all of time To love for all, ah. all of time."
Frasier crept in and shut the door. He walked calmly over to the player and put it in the pause mode.
"Niles, just tell me how you feel," he said. "How you really feel. I promise I'll listen - no judgements, no advice. Just talk to me brother, please?"
"I know now that Daphne's gone, Frasier," Niles said, his tone raw and ragged. "I've finally come to the realization that I can never have her. you know. really have her again. But you know. I'm lucky, really very lucky."
"Why is that Niles?" Frasier asked hopefully.
"Because I've got Audrey and she has re-lit the flame in me that I thought was extinguished when Daphne died. I love Audrey, not as a surrogate for Daphne, but for who she really is. I thought that I would never be able to love again, never feel anything again, but then this wonderful woman came into my life and changed all that. and I know that Audrey loves me, all of me - even with all the emotional baggage I have brought along. I know that. I know that for sure now because she's telling me with this song."
Niles left the very next day. He had a long talk with Martin before he left, explaining about Frasier's midnight visit. His dad rolled his eyes and muttered something about "that boy never listens", but true to form, he mostly just listened.
"I just have to go and see Audrey," Niles concluded. "You understand, don't you Dad?"
"More than you will ever know," was the old man's reply.
When Niles got back to Bellingham it was nearly three in the afternoon. All along the rain-slicked Interstate 5, he played the CD of The Magic Flute while he rehearsed what he was going to say to her, his enthusiasm building with each passing mile. He finally felt free - free to love Audrey and still have a place in his heart for Daphne.
"I'll find a better bridge to my Daphne," he thought. "Not one built on pain, but one that will celebrate what we had and show how I cherish her memory."
He thought about phoning Audrey ahead of time, but decided to surprise her instead. The only detour he made was to Bella Flora's Gift Shop.
"I'll take the Enchanted Garden bouquet, please," he instructed the pimply- faced youngster behind the counter. "It's perfect - like a walk through a spring garden."
Niles wanted to present the flowers as a symbolic gesture of his new found hope.
"Ton amour est comme le printemps," he thought poetically. "Oooo, I must write that down on the card!"
Finally he rounded the bend in the road near Lake Whatcom and pulled into Audrey's driveway, almost holding his breath with anticipation. Niles bounded up the cement pathway to her house, opened the screen and knocked hard against the wooden door. A little seed of disappointment planted itself firmly in his mind, when his expected grand entrance was met by no response. It hadn't occurred to him that she wouldn't be home. He walked around the back of the house and tried the other door. Still no answer. Niles peeked inside the window beside the door. The house was dark and completely deserted. He circled back around front and sat down on the small concrete step. This unexpected delay dampened his buoyant mood, but he bucked up his spirits by reminding himself that one quick phone call could put things back on track. He'd simply call her and tell her that he had come back early. His plans had changed and he couldn't wait. there was no answer. In fact, he couldn't even connect to her line. She must have turned off her phone he reasoned.
"Well, then I'll just wait for her to return," Niles said determinedly. "She should be home sometime soon."
That little seed was starting to grow into a major setback. A few minutes stretched into thirty and then turned into an hour. The weather mutated from mildly cloudy, to threatening. When the rain began to pelt down Niles retreated to his car, carefully setting the now limp bunch of posies on the seat beside him as he slumped down into the leather upholstery. Two more attempts to phone her met with frustration. He finally closed his eyes after watching another half-hour click by on the car clock. It was almost 5:00 p.m. The early winter twilight settled in around him.
"If I drive home I will probably miss her," he rationalized. "She has to come home! And when she does I'll be here. waiting. I'll be here. waiting. waiting. "
His lack of sleep the night before, stemming from the long conversation with Frasier, ultimately caught up with him and he drifted off, lulled by the sound of the steady downpour on the roof of the car.
The raindrops splashed with an ever-increasing velocity on the front windshield. The rainstorm and the darkness of the evening mixed into a cheerless obscurity. one hour became two.
"Niles?"
Was he dreaming?
"Niles. Niles, wake up!"
The tapping was transformed into a pounding sound.
"Open up the door, please. What are you doing here?"
It sounded like Audrey's voice, but it was so far away.
"Niles!!"
His eyes popped open and began to focus. He turned his head only to see through the murkiness, a slightly agitated Audrey with an umbrella shielding her from the storm, beating her fist against the steamy window of his car.
"Audrey!" he cried out. "You're home!"
A smile broke out on his face. He clutched the now decrepit bouquet, opened the door and slid out of the car and into the deluge.
"Save the hellos until we get in the house," she decreed as they ran towards the door.
Once safely inside she pivoted about and looked at him with hopeful amazement. "Soooo, what brings you back here so early?"
"You," Niles said pulling her into his arms, while kissing her hard on the lips. He for once in his anal-retentive life, he couldn't have cared less that his precious calfskin shoes were ruined and his expensive hand-knit sweater was drenched though and though. He held her tightly. He was determined that this moment wasn't going to disappear in a fearful flurry.
"Well," gasped Audrey with an equal amount of pleasure and astonishment. "Merry Christmas to you, too! Were you waiting long for me?"
"In the greater scheme of things. no, not really," he said coyly. "I guess I have learned a few things through the years."
That remark drew a perplexed, but accepting glance from Audrey. She leaned back and arched a curious eyebrow at him. Niles laughed.
"I got here about three," he clarified. "I'm just so happy to see you!"
"Oooo," she cooed, obviously picking up on his ebullient mood without fully understanding the motivation behind it. "I'm sorry you had to wait so long. I wasn't expecting you back for another couple of days, so I was visiting some friends of mine, but I am certainly glad I decided to call it a night and come home early. I'd much rather spend this evening with you. Are those for me?"
She pointed to the wilted bouquet in his hand.
"Yes, I. I bought them for you this afternoon." Niles frowned slightly. "It was called 'Enchanted Garden'. They were much more charming several hours ago. I wanted to surprise you. I'm sorry. They look positively wretched now."
"We'll put them in some water and I bet they'll perk right up. Things always fare better with a little tender loving care," Audrey said wisely.
"Plants, hamsters and people," he murmured in her ear and kissed her cheek.
"What?" Audrey gave him another puzzled look. "Hamsters. what do hamsters have to do with anything?"
"I'll explain later," Niles said vaguely.
She playfully broke out of his grasp, extracted the flowers from his grip and glided into the kitchen to find a vase. Niles followed her closely with his eyes. He noticed that she was wearing the earrings that he had presented to her for Christmas.
"The earrings I gave you - you've got them on," he called out as he shed his soggy sweater with a certain amount of difficulty. "That's. that's very nice."
"Of course, I'm wearing them," Audrey said proudly. "I never took them off." She popped her head from around the corner of the kitchen door and tossed him a towel.
Niles smiled. A feeling of resplendent warmth rushed though his body. He stopped in his tracks and sat down on the couch.
"Have you had anything to eat?" Audrey asked. "We can light a fire, crack open a bottle of wine and - I believe I have some crackers and cheese about here somewhere."
"Sounds lovely. but. but before we do, I'd like to tell you something." Niles fidgeted as he folded the towel and placed it on the arm of the couch. "Can. can I do that first?"
"Certainly, what is it?" Audrey sat down on the couch beside him. He looked at her, noticing every detail of her face, her dark brown eyes as they focused intently on him, the way her glasses had slid down on her nose, just ever so slightly, her nervous but composed smile. He reached out and touched her still slightly damp hair, as it clung to the curve in her neck, letting a small strand of it slip through his fingers. Niles then let his hand travel over her cheek, pausing at her mouth, as he traced her lips with his thumb, lingering there for just a moment... He suddenly cleared his throat and willed himself back to his appointed purpose.
He stood up and walked towards the window using those few minutes to gather his thoughts. A few Christmas house lights twinkled along the dark shore illuminating the inky vista. Niles noted that the rain had ceased. That was a good sign.
He stood still for a moment more, gazing out on Lake Whatcom before speaking.
"I had to hurry back to tell you three things Audrey," he finally said. "Three very important things. First, that you have made me recognize that there is a vital part of me that didn't die when Daphne did. For a long time I refused to admit that I even still possessed those. those feelings of desire and passion. ever since Daphne passed away. First I tried to drown them in alcohol and sorrow. Then I tried to bury them in busy work. But it just took being near you to remind me that those feelings can't be denied. You've rekindled them in me."
He turned around and looked over at her, watching how she was sitting, perched perfectly still, sitting straight-backed on the cushion of the couch, waiting for him to resume talking. Her face shone with anticipation.
"Second," he continued, "You allowed me to start facing the fury that I. that I have felt ever since Daphne passed away. I don't think I realised just how angry I really was. Funny. as a therapist I am well acquainted with Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief, but I never imagined having to view it from such a personal perspective. I know now that I can master those feelings of wrath - with time and a person beside me who cares. and. and that person is you. It was absolutely essential for me to face those feelings for me to continue living. really living. to become whole again."
Niles stopped and took a breath.
"And lastly," he concluded, "You've restored my faith in love. It isn't something that happens without taking a risk. it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. But when you do find that connection with the right person, it is worth the entire struggle and more. To find someone who cares for you, really cares for everything you are, faults and strengths combined - it requires a complete and utter trust in someone. I haven't felt that way since I discovered Daphne was in love with me. And now - "
Audrey interrupted, "And now. what have you discovered, Niles?"
"That I can love you, Audrey," he said. "And that I can show you how much I love you at last."
Niles opened his arms, welcoming her into his heart. Audrey walked over and hugged him. He bent down and kissed her again, this time more slowly, letting his lips linger on hers. She nuzzled his chin and hung on a bit tighter to him, as if she was jealous of even the smallest molecules of air that would come between them.
"Niles," she said cautiously. "Niles, where's - "
"The locket?" he said quietly. "I found a perfect spot for it. I bought a beautiful velvet lined box at the florist shop this afternoon and I'm planning to put it on my fireplace mantle along with Daphne's picture in the library. I think she would like that."
"I'm sure she would," Audrey agreed.
She reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand.
"I love you. Niles Crane."
Audrey pronounced each word clearly, drawing the sentence out as if attempting to carve it into this moment forever.
"That's Niles Horatio Crane," Niles corrected mischievously. "But you have to promise me that you won't repeat that to anyone."
"You have my word on it - cross my heart," Audrey assured him.
"That's all I want - your heart." Niles said. "After all. it's a fair exchange - you have mine."
He finally had found what he required to heal the wound left by Daphne's death. At the heart of it all, love was all he needed.
The End
by Val McCaffery
Chapt. 7: Revelations
It was the blinding light that Niles first noticed. It achromatized the vista before him, bleaching the vibrant tones from everything he saw. Niles brought his hands up to shield his eyes. He scanned the scene, hunting for clues, searching for some solid evidence to indicate his whereabouts. It all seemed faintly familiar, the placement of the trees and low-lying shrubs, the way the ground undulated out in front of him in small rolling knolls. He had the distinct feeling that he had been there at sometime in the past, but the exactitude of it all eluded him. It all seemed so serene, but he suspected that even in the most peaceful of places, there could be hidden dangers. A sense of trepidation began to take hold of him.
Then without warning the landscape seemed to be shifting. Niles felt himself being pulled along, almost effortlessly; moving further into the image that encompassed him. He realised now that he was in Forest Hills, the cemetery where Daphne had been laid to rest. He could see the rows of drab headstones silently announcing their sorrowful contents. Why hadn't he seen them earlier? He looked up into the sky. Chalky clouds skirted across the azure expanse above his head, blocking out some of the intensity of the surrounding light. Niles wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. At least now he could see more clearly. The verdant vegetation and well-manicured lawns almost seemed supersaturated with brilliant color compared to only moments ago. What was that dark spot on the horizon? Niles squinted. Why hadn't he worn his glasses? Tentatively he began walking towards the distant cryptic image. As he drew closer he realised it was a group of people obviously gathered at a graveside. He could feel his heart start to palpitate wildly.
"It can't be for Daphne's, can it?" he wondered. "I know she's already been buried. It must be something like a memorial service. But why didn't anyone inform me?"
As he approached he could hear the ritualistic murmurs of the Episcopalian priest. No one looked up as Niles proceeded to the front of the somber assemblage.
"I must be late," he worried. "Thank God no one has noticed!"
He took his place between Frasier and his father and quietly bowed his head. His eyes traveled downward. His mouth fell open in shock as he discovered he was completely naked! Niles felt mortified. And to add to his utter humiliation he noticed that he also had an undeniable erection.
"My God!" Niles cried. "I've got to get out of here!"
"Shh!" Frasier admonished him. "Really Niles, this isn't the time or the place for that type of behaviour! Can't you control your urges!"
"Go easy on him Fraz," Martin advised. "You know he just lost the only woman he loved. It's hard on him." Both Frasier and Martin chuckled at the embarrassing pun.
"Is that some kind of a sick joke?" Niles thought. "How can Frasier and Dad be so lacking in sympathy for me?"
Niles tried to cover himself, but whatever he did it wasn't enough. An undertone of troublesome mutterings began to permeate the group.
"Really! And his beloved wife barely cold in the ground!"
"Do you think that exhibition is for her or someone else?"
"Who knows? He said he loved her, but she's dead now, so. "
Niles turned in a panic to try and flee, but the crowd blocked his path. They weren't going to let him escape!
Frasier demanded, "Niles is it true? What are your feelings. now that Daphne is. there!"
Niles followed his brother's pointing finger and was horrified to discover that Daphne wasn't in a casket, but lying in the open grave, her pallid complexion accentuated by the dark earth around her. Her eyes were closed and her hands were folded neatly across the lap of her favourite red dress. Seeing her there in her pale, deathly slumber was too much for him to endure. Niles felt his body convulse. The dark, expanding clouds now shrouded the heavens entirely in gloom. The agitation of the surrounding people rose collectively, increasing his agonizing plight.
"Prove that you love her!" someone shouted.
"Yes, talk is cheap!"
"Show us. We want proof!"
"Yes, proof.proof.. proof!" went up the incessant chant.
"Help me!" pleaded Niles. "Frasier. Dad?"
He felt like he was suffocating! He couldn't breathe! The mob surged forward knocking him over. His bare feet slipped on the smooth earth. Desperately he clawed at the air, but there was nothing to grip onto and he found himself catapulted through the void. He was tumbling into Daphne's grave. He was going to be buried alive! His mouth began to fill with dirt. He choked, gasping for air! In a total state of frenzy Niles futilely tried to climb out of the abyss.
"I'm going to die!" he moaned. "I don't want to. I've got to wake up from this nightmare! Help. help me. please!"
The darkness closed around him once again...
When he woke up the blanket that covered him was drenched in sweat and swathed about his body like a mummy's shroud.
Niles freed his arm from its woolen prison and glanced at his watch. It took a few seconds for his eyes and brain to register the green glow of 3:15 a.m. He lay back down on the couch in complete exhaustion. The fire was a smoldering pile of ashes now. A shiver flickered through his body. Niles pulled the covers up around himself tighter, to help stave off the increasingly cold air.
He closed his eyes, desperately hoping that sleep would overtake him once again. But part of him knew that with it would come the relentless nightmares. an invasion of guilt, bitterness and longing that had raided his life since Daphne died. It was enough to make him wish for the blissfulness of insomnia.
It was then, as he lay in the chilly gloom of Audrey's living room, that he decided to return to Seattle for the holidays. He couldn't even answer why it was suddenly so important to him - he just knew he needed to retreat. to go. home. Maybe it was because it was so near to Christmas. a Christmas that would be a first for him without Daphne in almost ten years. Even before they got together, she had always been a special part of that time of the year for him, ever since she first entered the Crane family's lives. Daphne always adored Christmas and Niles adored the fact that she adored it, and after they were together, Daphne adored that he adored. Niles stared up into the darkness. This Christmas would be especially hard on him. He needed to feel connected to his past somehow. Maybe going back to Seattle for a bit would give him a comforting ritual to lean on. He could just pretend, just for a little while at least.
On the other hand, maybe he had an urge to go back to Seattle because, in the back of his mind, he had always felt like he had run away from that end of his life. Going back would give him a chance hopefully to face whatever he had turned his back on. Then he could go forward with his life with a clearer conscience. Maybe.
Niles wasn't confident that the answer would be found, even in Seattle. but it was worth a try.
"Good morning! Would you like some breakfast, Niles?" Audrey asked as she rounded the corner of the living room. "It wouldn't take me long to make some toast or even eggs if you'd like."
Niles didn't say a word. He rubbed his eyes and swung his legs to the floor. Audrey could tell that he had something on his mind by the way his fingers distractedly picked at the fabric of the blanket that had covered him during the night.
"No, no thank you, Audrey," he said, his focus on the blanket intensifying as he spoke. "I. I don't really feel like eating at the moment. I hope you understand."
She crossed the room and rescued the covering from his hands, folding it up carefully and placing it on the arm of the sofa. "I'm trying to understand Niles. I'm trying very hard."
Niles looked down at his rumpled clothes and shifted uncomfortably about, making an unsuccessful attempt to smooth the wrinkles out while still remaining seated on the sofa. Audrey shook her head slightly and stifled an overwhelming impulse to hug and shake him at the same time.
"I have a feeling we aren't talking about breakfast any longer, are we?" he said quietly.
"No, we aren't Niles." Audrey leaned over and kissed him cautiously on his bristly cheek. Niles didn't retreat from her, but a look of pensive consideration met her when she tilted her head back.
"Sometimes you don't make it very easy Niles," Audrey added. "I told you yesterday how I feel about you - how you affect me and. and I haven't really heard what you want to do about it. Where do we go from here?"
"Audrey," he responded deliberately. "I have a lot of questions. questions that I have to get some answers for before I can go any further."
He reached out and brushed a wayward strand of hair out of her eyes and tucked it behind her ear softly. His fingers lingered on the nape of her neck as he spoke. Audrey trembled under his touch.
"The Christmas break is coming up soon. I think I'll use that opportunity to go back to Seattle and spend some time with my family. I don't know if that will help me find some answers, but it might. I just want to be able to love and remember Daphne. without hating myself."
Audrey took a rather large gulp of air. She was scared. He wanted to put some distance between them and. and then what? Would she just become a short-lived memory? Had she pushed him too fast with an emotional deluge that he couldn't handle? She felt like crying, but knew that wouldn't help things. This just wouldn't work unless he trusted her enough to let it happen.
Niles took her hand and held it tightly. Audrey reveled in the way his long fingers wrapped around hers. He rubbed her skin gently as he continued, "Is that all right? I mean, I don't want it to appear that I am running away. away from you or. from us."
"Niles," she said bravely, her voice shaking a bit. "I don't want you entering into this relationship consumed by so much pain or doubt that it jeopardizes the promise of what could be. If seeing your family will help you move forward, then by all means, do what ever it takes, Niles - for both of us."
Audrey noticed the some of the tension in Niles' grip diminish, as a sigh escaped from his lips. She could sense the impact of his gaze as it traveled from her hands, journeyed along her arms, lingered a bit on her lips and then finally came to rest at her eyes. Audrey gasped slightly as she met his look and felt the intensity of his emotions. His cobalt stare didn't waver. She was sure he was going to kiss her, but he hung back, the hesitation in him ultimately winning over his desires.
"Somehow I've got to let him know that I am here for him," she thought. "I've got to show him that I understand his pain... That I won't disappear when he needs someone to lean on... That I want to be with him no matter what."
"I.I should be g.going," Niles stammered. "I have a lot to do before the holidays begin."
He rose from the couch and gathered up his sweater, heading into the back mudroom as he continued to talk.
"I could take back all the skis, if you like, on my way home today," he chattered nervously. "You can't imagine the amount of student papers that I have to mark before the Christmas break. I'll have to pack and close up the house and -"
Niles stopped suddenly and glanced back at Audrey, who had slowly followed after him. She wanted to run into his arms and have him hold her closely.
"I'll call you when I get to Seattle," he said, his voice shaking.
"This isn't going to be easy for me either," she thought. "I hope he realizes that."
"Yes, you call me when you get to Seattle," she repeated. "I. I'd like that. very much. I hope you find the answers you need. I'll miss you, Niles."
Audrey turned away.
"I wish he would just leave, before I break down and either start to cry or run over there and smother him with kisses!"
She heard him zip up his parka and pick up the skis.
"I. I guess I should be on my way," he mumbled awkwardly. "Good bye. goodbye Audrey."
The screen door closed with a springy bang behind him. She went to the window and watched him. At first he struggled a bit, trying to fit the skis into his trunk, but his persistence paid off and soon he had conquered the errant equipment. Once inside the car, Niles just sat there, as if immobilized by an inexplicable force, his hands frozen on the steering wheel, his stare fixated on a distant spot on the horizon. Audrey was just about to the point where she was going to go out and ask him if he needed some help, when she saw him suddenly shake his head slowly, put the key in the ignition and then cautiously drive off down the lane way.
"You had better call me Niles Crane," she said out loud to herself. "I don't think I could stand it if you didn't. And don't you lose your way and forget about me!"
*************************************************************************
Niles carefully folded his neatly pressed tee shirt and placed it into the exact spot that he had designated for undergarments in his luggage. As he went through these perfunctory motions he was thinking about how surprised Frasier had been when he phoned and told him that he would be able to make it down to Seattle for Christmas after all. At first he tried to make it sound like a casual decision, but Niles knew Frasier picked up on the urgent sound in his voice almost immediately.
"I thought you said that you wouldn't have time," Frasier said suspiciously. "That you wanted us to come up to Bellingham. Why the sudden change, with the holiday only a week away? Is something up Niles?"
"Why does anything have to be up?" Niles replied defensively. "My schedule just cleared a bit more quickly than I anticipated so I would like to be in Seattle with my family for Christmas - anything wrong with that?"
"Niiillles." It was a gentle admonishment, but a clear indication that Frasier wasn't buying it.
"Oh, all right," Niles conceded. "I need to talk to you about something that has come up. something in my priv... private life."
Frasier didn't say too much as Niles proceeded to fill him with a condensed version of some of the things that he had been experiencing. He discreetly left out the sensual minutiae of the skiing trip, just saying that over the course of the past few weeks he had developing feelings for Audrey that were increasingly more difficult for him to handle.
"I just need to be. be in some familiar territory, Frasier," Niles admitted. "Remember that compass you gave me when I first moved here? Well, right now it's pointing to. Seattle. I can't really explain it any better than that. I know it's rather sudden. but I hope you understand. You up for it?"
"You can count on me anytime, brother," was Frasier's unqualified reply.
With a final look around his bedroom, Niles headed down the stairs to turn on the timer lights before starting out on his journey.
After coding in the house alarm, he picked up a small, meticulously wrapped parcel off the hall table and put it in his overcoat pocket.
"I'll drop this off at Audrey's office on my way out of town," he thought. "I want her to have it, even if I won't be around for Christmas."
The sound of light tapping on the front door interrupted his thoughts.
Niles opened it to find Audrey standing there in front of him, a bit breathless, as if she had made a mad dash to catch a departing train.
"Oh, Niles," she said, a toothy grin breaking out on her face. "I'm so glad I caught you before you left! I have something here for you."
And with that, she thrust a brightly colored package into his hand.
"Merry Christmas, Niles," she whispered, as she stood on her tiptoes and brushed his cheek with an airy kiss.
"Thank you, Audrey," he said shyly. "This is quite a coincidence - I have something I was just about to take over to you. Here.this. this is for you. "
His voice trailed off as he slipped his hand into his coat pocket and offered her his gift.
"Open mine first, silly," she teased. "I want you to see what it is before you leave on your trip."
Niles fastidiously pealed back the paper to reveal a CD.
"Die Zauberflöte. Mozart's 'The Magic Flute'," he said in awe. "Arturo Toscanini conducting. It's the 1937 recording with the Vienna Philharmonic. It's a. a classic. I didn't know it was finally on CD. I've loved this opera ever since I was a little boy. It's breathtaking! Thank you. I can listen to it on the way to Seattle."
"I knew it held a special meaning for you. now more than ever perhaps. It's.it's about the power of. of love," she said in a hushed tone.
Niles looked down at her glowing face, his eyes glistening with appreciation. "Thank you, Audrey," he repeated. His hands reached out and clasped her arms affectionately. His eyes were riveted to hers for what seemed like infinity.
Audrey swallowed hard.
"I'm. I'm glad you. like it, Niles."
She licked her lips.
All Niles could see was her moist, crimson mouth and a tiny hint of her pinkish, wet tongue half-hidden behind a row of milky teeth.
He could feel himself falling again. falling into that pit of irresistible longing and undeniable anxiety. It seemed like that relentless struggle within him would never let him fully enjoy a moment like this. It would never let him give himself over to the feelings that he longed for. He closed his eyes and cleared his throat.
"I. I think it is your turn now, Audrey," Niles croaked huskily. His hands dropped to his sides in self-defeat.
"Will my fear always win out in the end?" he wondered.
"So it is," she said as she broke away from the tension of the moment and pulled gently on the pale, satin bow that bound up the box that he had put into her hands. "Oh, oh, Niles. Niles, you shouldn't have! Earrings.They're beautiful! I didn't get you anything nearly as grand!"
Niles felt a shiver go through his body as those all too familiar words, echoing from a chilly night on a balcony many years in the past, came flooding back to him.
"They're late Victorian," he said, his voice wavering. "I thought you might like them."
"They're so elegant." Audrey enthused. "I want to put them on right now."
"They reminded me of you," Niles said quietly. "They have. a great beauty without being ostentatious."
Audrey blushed.
"Here," she said as she removed her old pair. "Help me with these, please."
Niles coaxed the new ones out of their little velvet box. He delicately pushed her hair away, the back of his hand grazing her cheeks as he slipped the earrings on Audrey's nubbins of flesh.
Audrey's fingers clutched at his hand as he finished. It was all so intoxicating. so uncontrollable. so.
Niles surrendered to his ardent desires and bent his head down and kissed her. The taste of her in his mouth was like a starving man's first meal.
"Audrey, I. I have to go," he pleaded, more trying to convince himself, rather than to imply that she was keeping him against his will.
"I know," she said regretfully. "I don't want to stop you, I just want to remind you of why you are coming back."
She hugged him tightly, holding onto him while she buried her face in the chest of his coat.
"Please call me as soon as you get to Seattle," she implored.
Niles stroked the top of her head, "I will," he said simply.
She seemed mollified and released him from her hold. Niles turned and picked up his bags, giving both of them a few minutes to compose themselves.
"Take care driving, Niles," Audrey said as she stepped into the crisp December air and took a deep breath out on the porch.
"Yes, of course," Niles replied as he locked the door and proceeded down the steps towards his car. "I'll see you in about two weeks."
Niles watched as Audrey walked to the curb and climbed into her own vehicle. When she had driven out of sight, he leaned against the trunk of his car and sighed.
"My God, I not only want to love her," he thought. "I know now that I do love her! Now, if I only had the courage to show her that I love her. Maybe that's what I'm hoping to find in Seattle."
Frasier was pleased that for most of the time, Niles actually appeared from all outward signs, to be enjoying Christmas day surrounded by his family. The familiarity of it all seemed to comfort him. There was of course, the key missing element - Daphne - but Niles looked as though he was trying his best to remain cheerful and not let her absence overwhelm him. Roz helped a great deal to lighten the mood when she arrived with Alice.
"It's hard for anyone to remain glum in the presence of the absolute joy that a little child feels towards Christmas," Frasier observed.
But finally the façade of gaiety fell away, and when it did Niles came in at lightning speed for a crash landing.
It occurred just after dinner. The gifts had all been unwrapped and the "thank you"s and "I love it!"s had all made their rounds. Once the plates had been cleared Alice begged her Uncle Niles to play "Jingle Bells" on the piano. At first, he expressed a bit of reluctance, but with Alice cajoling him in her best little girl fashion, his resistance finally broke down and he agreed to her demands. After producing a highly stylized version of the simple sleighing song, Niles seemed to be happily caught up in the moment and continued on with a selection of other songs, both secular and religious. Everyone joined in and all seemed to be going well until he played "Silent Night"...
"Round yon virgin, Mother and Child, Holy infant, so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace."
As the last pensive refrain resonated throughout the room, Niles froze at the keyboard, his hands hovering in the air for a moment. An uncomfortable stillness rippled outward, overtaking the rest of the group. Frasier cleared his throat. Martin shifted uneasily on his cane and looked over Niles' shoulder at Roz, who shrugged back at him. Alice, not understanding the sudden cessation of the merriment, tugged on Niles' jacket sleeve and innocently requested "One more please, Uncle Niles."
Niles hurriedly brushed away a tear that tracked down his cheek, quietly suggested that it was about time that Frasier had a chance to play something and beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom near the entrance to the apartment.
"W. what happened?" asked Roz. "Everything seemed to be going so well. He really looked like he was enjoying himself. Was it a favourite Christmas song of Daphne's or something?"
"Not that I know of," Martin offered. "Daph told me one time that she liked "Silver Bells" best of all."
"It wouldn't have to be anyone's favorite," explained Frasier. "It could have just triggered a past memory of something Daphne said, or Niles could have associated it with a feeling that reminded him of her. or maybe just the tone of the piece made him feel downhearted. Remember this is his first Christmas without her. When he called and told me he was coming, he mentioned that he is going through a particularly rough time right now."
Roz glanced towards the bathroom door.
"Do you think his meeting Audrey has anything to do with it?" she said under her breath.
"I think it has everything to do with it," confirmed Frasier. "I still think he should see a therapist."
"What's a ther. a. pist, Mommy?" Alice interrupted.
Roz turned to her six-year-old child and like any good parent said, "Alice, it's getting late. Go get your jammies on. They're in the bag on Uncle Frasier's bed. That way you'll be all ready for bed. We're going home in a little while."
"Come into the kitchen," said Frasier as he led the way.
Once they were safely ensconced in the other room, Frasier continued.
"I think he hasn't grieved properly over Daphne's death and now his meeting Audrey has just complicated matters," Frasier explained. "He's pushed himself to the limit with a new job, a new home and now he is bringing a new person into his life."
"Do you think he is falling for Audrey?" asked Roz.
"He says his feelings for her have deepened," Frasier said, "He's been plagued by very troubled dreams apparently and isn't getting much sleep lately. He's repressing a lot of guilt and anger about the loss of Daphne, if you ask me."
"Wow!" gasped Roz. "Niles in love. I told him to scratch an itch, not cut his wrist!"
"It was bound to happen," Martin stated as a matter of fact. "Niles has always hated being alone. I just didn't think it would happen so. so quickly. He just met this gal, didn't he?"
"I know, Dad," agreed Frasier. "It's all moving way too fast for my liking. I just don't want him to be hurt any further."
"Well, what if Audrey really feels for him, Frasier?" interjected Roz. "What if she has fallen for him? I mean, I can't explain it, b. but some women have found him attractive - Daphne, certainly did. and Mel. and I guess Maris, too, in her own strange way."
"Eeeww!" exclaimed Martin. "Don't bring up the 'M' word in this house!"
"Which one? Maris or Mel?" Roz asked.
"Doesn't matter - either!" Martin pointedly remarked.
"Will you two listen?!?" steamed Frasier. "He hasn't even faced the reality of her death - "
"Uncle Niles, what's a th.ther. a. pist?"
Roz's mouth fell open at the sound of her daughter's voice. For a split second the little cadre of friends in the kitchen froze, unable to even consider how to thwart the juvenile inquisitor.
Roz was the first to leap into action. She bolted from the kitchen with lightening speed, but it was too late.
"Well, Alice," Niles said patiently as he sat down beside her on the sofa, "A therapist is a doctor who tries to help people who are hurt here." His finger tapped his temple lightly.
Roz stopped in her tracks as she approached the dinning room table, giving Niles and Alice a wide enough berth as to give the appearance of privacy, but still stay within the range of hearing all of the conversation. Frasier and Martin quickly followed behind her from the kitchen. The three of them stood together anxiously watching as this bizarre little two- character drama unfold.
"Does a therapist put a band-aid on someone's head?" the little girl asked innocently.
"Nooo," replied Niles carefully. "But a therapist can help all the same. They usually make someone better by getting them to talk about what is hurting so bad - talking sometimes helps more than a bandage for certain types of hurt."
"So will a therapist make you feel better?" said Alice with a directness that only a child could achieve.
Niles looked up and glanced at the trio by the table. Frasier suddenly felt like an uninvited guest at a private party. He cast his eyes downward and wished he were invisible.
"Why do you ask that?" Niles said patiently turning his attention back to the little girl. Frasier let out his breath slowly thankful that his brother's focus had been temporarily diverted. "Do you think that. I am. hurt?"
"Yup!" Alice said without hesitation. "You're very, very sad, just like I was when my hamster died. I think you miss Auntie Daphne a lot. I know I do."
"Yes, you are right. I do miss her," Niles quietly confirmed. "I miss her very much."
"So is Uncle Martin a therapist?" Alice queried. Niles smiled, but before he could answer, Alice continued. "Because he helped me by talking to me about my hamster. We talked about hamster heaven and how once they go there they can't come back, but I shouldn't feel too sad because they are so happy there. Talking with Uncle Martin helped me. It made me miss my hamster less."
Niles looked up at his father.
"Is that so? Well, he's a pretty wise fellow that Uncle Martin," he said. "And I am sure he has helped me since Auntie Daphne. died. Everyone has tried in their own way, I guess."
"Even Mommy?" Alice asked.
"Yes, even your mother," Niles replied without a pause.
"But. you are still sad, aren't you?" Alice asked
"Yes," Niles answered shakily.
Alice thought for a moment and then said. "I guess Auntie Daphne dying was a pretty big hurt, wasn't it? Bigger than my hamster, right?"
"Much, much bigger, my dear," Niles whispered.
Frasier shook his head. It was painful for him to watch his brother's emotions so easily exposed by the innocent prodding of a child.
"You know what else helped me Uncle Niles?" Alice asked. Niles shook his head. "When I got a new hamster, I didn't feel so bad. He wasn't exactly like my first one, but I love him just the same. Whenever I start to feel sad, I just give my new Hammie a hug and he makes me feel better. Maybe you will find someone to hug too?"
Niles didn't answer. He closed his eyes and clasped his hands together to stop them from shaking.
"Uncle Niles, have I helped?" Alice's voice was filled with an eager earnestness. "Because. I want to help too."
"Yes," Niles answered. "You certainly have helped Alice."
Niles reached softly over and kissed Alice on the head.
"Then that makes me a therapist too!" she announced with satisfaction as she gave him a hug. "Good night Uncle Niles."
"And you're a pretty good therapist at that," Niles said as he rose up off the sofa. "Good night, Alice."
Roz walked slowly up and collected her daughter.
"Niles. I. I'm so sor -"
Niles put his hand up to stop her.
"It's all right Roz," he mumbled. An awkward pause fell over the room. "Well, I'll say my goodnights to you all. I think I'm ready to turn in. It's getting late. thanks for the lovely Christmas."
As Niles headed past Frasier and Martin, his father reached out and stopped him with a gentle but firm grip.
"Niles, we are always here for you," he said. "When you feel like talking you know you can depend on us to listen and support you."
"Thanks, Dad," Niles mumbled. "And thanks. everybody. Just being here for this Christmas has meant so much to me, but right now I would like to get some rest."
Frasier started to follow him, but Niles protested, "I'm O.K. . really. I'm just a bit tired, that's all."
And with those words, he retreated down the hallway to the privacy of the study.
"Well, it's time I took Alice home," Roz said, breaking the silence that had come over the room. "Come on sweetie. Let's get going."
Once the farewell embraces were distributed all round, Frasier shut the door and headed in the direction of his brother's room.
"Son," whispered Martin, "I think we should just let Niles be for the night. We can talk with him in the morning."
"But, Dad - "
"No," insisted Martin. "We've told him that we are here for him. He'll talk about it when he is ready. Niles lost a large part of his life when Daphne died. And it's Niles who has to deal with that missing piece of the puzzle - not you or me! Who knows, maybe we are wrong - maybe this gal Audrey is just the person to help Niles find the love he lost? But he has to make that choice for himself. We should give him some space. Leave him be. Now, let's go."
"This image puts a spell on me A beauty only gods should see I feel it, I feel it. How this angel's face awakes my heart, Now filled with grace Awakes my heart, now filled with grace I cannot name this strange new yearning That fills my heart like fire burning. "
Tamino's aria filled Niles' ears and spirit as he lay stiffly on the sofa bed, still in his clothes, listening to the CD in the darkened room. The light from the window bathed the room in a pale, grayish-blue hue. The haunting music drifted over him as he stared up at the ceiling. Niles knew "The Magic Flute" first act's words off by heart, but never did it hold such meaning for him. Or cause him such consternation. He believed Audrey's developing love for him was genuine, but did she really even understand what he was going through? Was he using her as a way to work through his grief for Daphne? Being back here so close to everything that reminded him of Daphne had planted the seeds of doubt in his consciousness. Was Audrey just a substitute for Daphne or did he love her for who she really was? The strains of the instruments and voices washed over him like a tidal wave. No! His feelings for Audrey were real! She was Pamino. He was Tamino. Together they would find a way to see that their love triumphed, even through the most difficult of ordeals.
"It is love! Love alone Oh just to find her, would restore me Then I would, I would - love divine - what would I do? Next to my heart I would invite her The flame inside me would delight her."
"Restore me!" Niles thought. "That's what Audrey's love can do for me. Ignite a flame inside me that wants to burn brightly, but hasn't had any fuel to keep it going."
But these were the feelings that he had always reserved for Daphne. He had pledged his undying love to her. How could he find two loves to last a lifetime? Could any man be so fortunate and so cursed at the same time? Maybe coming home for Christmas was really a bad idea - too many memories of Daphne to contend with.
"We made love in this very room! After our passions spilled over in the living room, we ended the evening in here. I remember every detail. how she turned down the sheets, how she put a silk scarf over the lamp and I lit some candles. Oh, God!! She was so soft and warm in my arms. "
Niles closed his eyes. He could feel Daphne's smile - he reached out to her. But he felt like he was trying to hold onto a shadow. The harder he tried to hold on, the more it slipped away. He needed something real. He wanted someone to love, and someone to love him back, desperately. The tears flowed down his face and he let out a muted cry as a cold dark stab of pain cut through his life.
"I suffer from the deepest sorrow. I've lost all joy now for tomorrow I've lost all joy now for tomorrow A wicked beast, a wicked beast Stole her from here."
The words of the song became a revelation. It dawned on him that Audrey had selected that opera not only as a way of signaling her passion for him, but also she was telling him that she understood his sorrow at losing Daphne - that he wasn't alone in his pain any more. And she would help him slay that wicked beast of emptiness that had taken over his heart.
"Daphne!" he wept out loud "Goodbye my love. "
He could finally let Daphne go. go to special place in his heart and let Audrey's love in. He was ready. He took the chain that held his wedding ring and Daphne's locket from around his neck. He would find a place of honor for it in his life, but it wouldn't serve as a barrier between him and the real world any longer. It couldn't. Daphne would never have wanted her love to cause him to remain in such pain. It was her dying wish that he find happiness in his life after she was gone and Niles knew that he would never possess this unless he was with Audrey now.
"Thank you, my love," he whispered. "Thank you."
Frasier was first drawn down the hallway by the sounds of the music.
"I still see her terror Her trembling, her horror Too frightened, too tender She had to surrender And so I watched while she was taken "Ah, help!", "Ah, help!" was all that she could say She must have felt she was forsaken For all my strength had gone away. "
When he approached nearer he could clearly hear his brother sobbing.
"Daphne! Goodbye my love!"
"To hell with what Dad said," he thought. "Niles needs someone and I can't just stand idly by and watch him suffer!"
"Niles?"
"Niles, are you all right?"
Frasier opened the door slowly and peered in.
Niles lay rigidly on the bed surrounded by the music and the darkness.
"And when at last with you I see her She's yours to love for all of time To love for all, ah. all of time."
Frasier crept in and shut the door. He walked calmly over to the player and put it in the pause mode.
"Niles, just tell me how you feel," he said. "How you really feel. I promise I'll listen - no judgements, no advice. Just talk to me brother, please?"
"I know now that Daphne's gone, Frasier," Niles said, his tone raw and ragged. "I've finally come to the realization that I can never have her. you know. really have her again. But you know. I'm lucky, really very lucky."
"Why is that Niles?" Frasier asked hopefully.
"Because I've got Audrey and she has re-lit the flame in me that I thought was extinguished when Daphne died. I love Audrey, not as a surrogate for Daphne, but for who she really is. I thought that I would never be able to love again, never feel anything again, but then this wonderful woman came into my life and changed all that. and I know that Audrey loves me, all of me - even with all the emotional baggage I have brought along. I know that. I know that for sure now because she's telling me with this song."
Niles left the very next day. He had a long talk with Martin before he left, explaining about Frasier's midnight visit. His dad rolled his eyes and muttered something about "that boy never listens", but true to form, he mostly just listened.
"I just have to go and see Audrey," Niles concluded. "You understand, don't you Dad?"
"More than you will ever know," was the old man's reply.
When Niles got back to Bellingham it was nearly three in the afternoon. All along the rain-slicked Interstate 5, he played the CD of The Magic Flute while he rehearsed what he was going to say to her, his enthusiasm building with each passing mile. He finally felt free - free to love Audrey and still have a place in his heart for Daphne.
"I'll find a better bridge to my Daphne," he thought. "Not one built on pain, but one that will celebrate what we had and show how I cherish her memory."
He thought about phoning Audrey ahead of time, but decided to surprise her instead. The only detour he made was to Bella Flora's Gift Shop.
"I'll take the Enchanted Garden bouquet, please," he instructed the pimply- faced youngster behind the counter. "It's perfect - like a walk through a spring garden."
Niles wanted to present the flowers as a symbolic gesture of his new found hope.
"Ton amour est comme le printemps," he thought poetically. "Oooo, I must write that down on the card!"
Finally he rounded the bend in the road near Lake Whatcom and pulled into Audrey's driveway, almost holding his breath with anticipation. Niles bounded up the cement pathway to her house, opened the screen and knocked hard against the wooden door. A little seed of disappointment planted itself firmly in his mind, when his expected grand entrance was met by no response. It hadn't occurred to him that she wouldn't be home. He walked around the back of the house and tried the other door. Still no answer. Niles peeked inside the window beside the door. The house was dark and completely deserted. He circled back around front and sat down on the small concrete step. This unexpected delay dampened his buoyant mood, but he bucked up his spirits by reminding himself that one quick phone call could put things back on track. He'd simply call her and tell her that he had come back early. His plans had changed and he couldn't wait. there was no answer. In fact, he couldn't even connect to her line. She must have turned off her phone he reasoned.
"Well, then I'll just wait for her to return," Niles said determinedly. "She should be home sometime soon."
That little seed was starting to grow into a major setback. A few minutes stretched into thirty and then turned into an hour. The weather mutated from mildly cloudy, to threatening. When the rain began to pelt down Niles retreated to his car, carefully setting the now limp bunch of posies on the seat beside him as he slumped down into the leather upholstery. Two more attempts to phone her met with frustration. He finally closed his eyes after watching another half-hour click by on the car clock. It was almost 5:00 p.m. The early winter twilight settled in around him.
"If I drive home I will probably miss her," he rationalized. "She has to come home! And when she does I'll be here. waiting. I'll be here. waiting. waiting. "
His lack of sleep the night before, stemming from the long conversation with Frasier, ultimately caught up with him and he drifted off, lulled by the sound of the steady downpour on the roof of the car.
The raindrops splashed with an ever-increasing velocity on the front windshield. The rainstorm and the darkness of the evening mixed into a cheerless obscurity. one hour became two.
"Niles?"
Was he dreaming?
"Niles. Niles, wake up!"
The tapping was transformed into a pounding sound.
"Open up the door, please. What are you doing here?"
It sounded like Audrey's voice, but it was so far away.
"Niles!!"
His eyes popped open and began to focus. He turned his head only to see through the murkiness, a slightly agitated Audrey with an umbrella shielding her from the storm, beating her fist against the steamy window of his car.
"Audrey!" he cried out. "You're home!"
A smile broke out on his face. He clutched the now decrepit bouquet, opened the door and slid out of the car and into the deluge.
"Save the hellos until we get in the house," she decreed as they ran towards the door.
Once safely inside she pivoted about and looked at him with hopeful amazement. "Soooo, what brings you back here so early?"
"You," Niles said pulling her into his arms, while kissing her hard on the lips. He for once in his anal-retentive life, he couldn't have cared less that his precious calfskin shoes were ruined and his expensive hand-knit sweater was drenched though and though. He held her tightly. He was determined that this moment wasn't going to disappear in a fearful flurry.
"Well," gasped Audrey with an equal amount of pleasure and astonishment. "Merry Christmas to you, too! Were you waiting long for me?"
"In the greater scheme of things. no, not really," he said coyly. "I guess I have learned a few things through the years."
That remark drew a perplexed, but accepting glance from Audrey. She leaned back and arched a curious eyebrow at him. Niles laughed.
"I got here about three," he clarified. "I'm just so happy to see you!"
"Oooo," she cooed, obviously picking up on his ebullient mood without fully understanding the motivation behind it. "I'm sorry you had to wait so long. I wasn't expecting you back for another couple of days, so I was visiting some friends of mine, but I am certainly glad I decided to call it a night and come home early. I'd much rather spend this evening with you. Are those for me?"
She pointed to the wilted bouquet in his hand.
"Yes, I. I bought them for you this afternoon." Niles frowned slightly. "It was called 'Enchanted Garden'. They were much more charming several hours ago. I wanted to surprise you. I'm sorry. They look positively wretched now."
"We'll put them in some water and I bet they'll perk right up. Things always fare better with a little tender loving care," Audrey said wisely.
"Plants, hamsters and people," he murmured in her ear and kissed her cheek.
"What?" Audrey gave him another puzzled look. "Hamsters. what do hamsters have to do with anything?"
"I'll explain later," Niles said vaguely.
She playfully broke out of his grasp, extracted the flowers from his grip and glided into the kitchen to find a vase. Niles followed her closely with his eyes. He noticed that she was wearing the earrings that he had presented to her for Christmas.
"The earrings I gave you - you've got them on," he called out as he shed his soggy sweater with a certain amount of difficulty. "That's. that's very nice."
"Of course, I'm wearing them," Audrey said proudly. "I never took them off." She popped her head from around the corner of the kitchen door and tossed him a towel.
Niles smiled. A feeling of resplendent warmth rushed though his body. He stopped in his tracks and sat down on the couch.
"Have you had anything to eat?" Audrey asked. "We can light a fire, crack open a bottle of wine and - I believe I have some crackers and cheese about here somewhere."
"Sounds lovely. but. but before we do, I'd like to tell you something." Niles fidgeted as he folded the towel and placed it on the arm of the couch. "Can. can I do that first?"
"Certainly, what is it?" Audrey sat down on the couch beside him. He looked at her, noticing every detail of her face, her dark brown eyes as they focused intently on him, the way her glasses had slid down on her nose, just ever so slightly, her nervous but composed smile. He reached out and touched her still slightly damp hair, as it clung to the curve in her neck, letting a small strand of it slip through his fingers. Niles then let his hand travel over her cheek, pausing at her mouth, as he traced her lips with his thumb, lingering there for just a moment... He suddenly cleared his throat and willed himself back to his appointed purpose.
He stood up and walked towards the window using those few minutes to gather his thoughts. A few Christmas house lights twinkled along the dark shore illuminating the inky vista. Niles noted that the rain had ceased. That was a good sign.
He stood still for a moment more, gazing out on Lake Whatcom before speaking.
"I had to hurry back to tell you three things Audrey," he finally said. "Three very important things. First, that you have made me recognize that there is a vital part of me that didn't die when Daphne did. For a long time I refused to admit that I even still possessed those. those feelings of desire and passion. ever since Daphne passed away. First I tried to drown them in alcohol and sorrow. Then I tried to bury them in busy work. But it just took being near you to remind me that those feelings can't be denied. You've rekindled them in me."
He turned around and looked over at her, watching how she was sitting, perched perfectly still, sitting straight-backed on the cushion of the couch, waiting for him to resume talking. Her face shone with anticipation.
"Second," he continued, "You allowed me to start facing the fury that I. that I have felt ever since Daphne passed away. I don't think I realised just how angry I really was. Funny. as a therapist I am well acquainted with Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief, but I never imagined having to view it from such a personal perspective. I know now that I can master those feelings of wrath - with time and a person beside me who cares. and. and that person is you. It was absolutely essential for me to face those feelings for me to continue living. really living. to become whole again."
Niles stopped and took a breath.
"And lastly," he concluded, "You've restored my faith in love. It isn't something that happens without taking a risk. it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. But when you do find that connection with the right person, it is worth the entire struggle and more. To find someone who cares for you, really cares for everything you are, faults and strengths combined - it requires a complete and utter trust in someone. I haven't felt that way since I discovered Daphne was in love with me. And now - "
Audrey interrupted, "And now. what have you discovered, Niles?"
"That I can love you, Audrey," he said. "And that I can show you how much I love you at last."
Niles opened his arms, welcoming her into his heart. Audrey walked over and hugged him. He bent down and kissed her again, this time more slowly, letting his lips linger on hers. She nuzzled his chin and hung on a bit tighter to him, as if she was jealous of even the smallest molecules of air that would come between them.
"Niles," she said cautiously. "Niles, where's - "
"The locket?" he said quietly. "I found a perfect spot for it. I bought a beautiful velvet lined box at the florist shop this afternoon and I'm planning to put it on my fireplace mantle along with Daphne's picture in the library. I think she would like that."
"I'm sure she would," Audrey agreed.
She reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand.
"I love you. Niles Crane."
Audrey pronounced each word clearly, drawing the sentence out as if attempting to carve it into this moment forever.
"That's Niles Horatio Crane," Niles corrected mischievously. "But you have to promise me that you won't repeat that to anyone."
"You have my word on it - cross my heart," Audrey assured him.
"That's all I want - your heart." Niles said. "After all. it's a fair exchange - you have mine."
He finally had found what he required to heal the wound left by Daphne's death. At the heart of it all, love was all he needed.
The End