If You Sleep
by Valma
(This story is dedicated to the memory of James C. McCaffery)
Figure of divine perfection
No one's loved with more affection
Soul to soul we've breathed
Oh, I won't let the Fates succeed.
Worried hours of contemplation
Whispered bits of conversation
Unaffected orderlies
Disinfected rooms and hallways
And if you sleep, you sleep with God
And if I cry, it's for my heart
Why should I hope to see it through?
'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep too.
He knew he was an adult, a grown man in his early thirties, but at the moment he felt like an abandoned little seven year old boy. All he wanted right now was to hold, and be held by, his mother.
"This is what it all comes down to in the end, doesn't it," he thought. "All my years of training and schooling really doesn't prepare me any better for this moment. All the learned advice I've doled out to my patients about how to face an illness like this and turn it into a life-affirming experience, just falls by the wayside and is forgotten. Right now it is *my* mother in *that* hospital room who is .....d...d...d.... sick, not just anyone's mother..... MY mother - Hester Crane. And all the education and philosophy in the universe doesn't make that fact any easier to cope with."
Mother - the person he probably adored more than anyone. Sure he loved his father, but that was tempered with a healthy dose of filial fear. His dad was the one who administrated the discipline. He chastised the two brothers when they got into their own brand of "mischief". Dad was more of an outsider in their small family grouping - gruff, unpolished, always working the late shift. Dad was into fishing and sports. He knew all the baseball teams names and the players. Dad was the one who was always telling them to act more like a man. Dad was the one who found it difficult to say "I love you."
Mom was so much more like them - she was always saying how she loved Frasier and Niles. She was always there - right out front in their lives - in full view (not behind the scenes like Dad). She was the one who encouraged them to strive harder, to do better, to achieve more. She was the one to take them to the Seattle Repertory Theatre's latest offerings. She would hurry home, even after a particularly difficult day at work, and hustle off with her "little geniuses" to a showing of Impressionists at a local art gallery. She bought them records of their favourite classical composers. She was the one who enrolled them in art classes and music lessons. She was so much a part of who he and his brother were. And now she lay in that cold hospital bed... and there was nothing he could do about it but cry!
Niles buried his head in his hands and sighed. Thinking back it seemed like a dream. He had been soundly sleeping when the call came.... well, sleeping as best he could now a day. Maris had recently announced that she had decided that they should have separate bedrooms. She said it was his fault. She informed Niles it was because of his restlessness. She said that it was impossible for her to get her "beauty rest" with him tossing and turning in the bed and for the sake of the "harmonious underpinnings of their marriage" it was for the best if they slept apart. There was no more discussion. The blame had been assigned. The solution had been found. The decision was final.
"I suppose she is right," he thought. "I do fret a great deal and it is very inconsiderate of me to disturb her so. I wish I had someone to talk to about how worried I am about Mother. Dad just gets upset and says he can't talk about it and I don't think I should bother Maris with my ramblings."
Unfortunately this decision didn't help anyone except Maris get a good night's rest, for Niles missed the presence of another human being in the room and spent much of the night awake worrying in the darkness alone. He felt very isolated.
About once a month Niles talked to Frasier on the phone, but he could never really delve into his true feelings - that was something that needed to be discussed face to face with someone. And that someone couldn't be Martin. They both just felt more comfortable when the conversation was restricted to the weather or reminiscing about happier days with Hester. So he had to just let his worries rattle around in his head growing like an oyster's pearl. He wished Maris would change her mind about the sleeping arrangements but decided that would be highly unlikely. In fact, she had threatened to move him even further down the hall if he kept up that "infernal racket", so Niles had quietly accepted his fate.
That evening had been typical - Niles had woken up about five times during the night, tried to relax with a series of breathing exercises, but ended up just staring into the darkness until fatigue had overtaken him. He knew that the phone call had come at about 4:00 am. because he had just checked the clock before its piercing sound punctuated the air. He snatched the phone from its cradle before it could ring again. He knew it must be bad news. No one phones at that hour and is the bearer of glad tidings.
"Niles, prepare yourself. Your mother has taken a turn for the worst and the doctors have asked me to gather the family together. I guess that means just you and me." Martin's voice seemed distant and ragged.
"Alright, Dad," Niles replied, "I'll be right there."
He knew where to go, of course. He had been to visit Mom many times since she was admitted into the cancer ward. Even though he knew she was gravely ill, the medications and treatments gave the illusion that things were not all that tragic. Hester always put on such a brave face and smiled and chatted with Niles as best she could. She seemed like she could go on forever like this. His logic told him one thing - she has cancer, she hasn't got very long to live. His heart told him another - she can fight this, I won't let her go!!
Funny, how with one phone call your heart and dreams can be crushed. The reality of the situation hit him as he hung up the phone. The therapist part of him took over. Dad will need me for support. I better get dressed quickly. He half considered waking Maris, but stopped himself just as he passed her door. It wasn't a secret that Hester and Maris had never gotten along. Niles had desperately wished it otherwise, but nothing he did ever seemed to change their mistrust of each other. In fact, Maris had only gone with Niles once to visit Hester since she entered the hospital. After that she became "unfortunately preoccupied with urgent business", as Niles shamefacedly confessed to Martin, upon being confronted about her noticeable absences.
As he drove to the hospital he told himself that maybe it was just a matter of another operation, maybe a change in medication, maybe....but he knew to prepare for the worst. He tried to focus on how he would help his father. On what he would say to Frasier when he got a hold of him back in Boston. Then for one brief moment he allowed some self-pity and sorrow to wash over himself. Niles was stopped at a red light when a sudden feeling of grief overwhelmed him.
"Oh my god!!! Mom!!!" he cried out loud. "P..p...please!!! Don't leave me - I'm so alone!"
He slumped until his head came to rest on the steering wheel. One full set of light changes later he realized that he was in his car in the middle of a main thoroughfare. Luckily the traffic was virtually non-existent at that early hour and no road rage ensued.
Niles pulled himself together enough to get to the hospital and up to the fourth floor to his mother's room. He was met by a small group of specialists in the hallway outside and in hushed tones they informed him of Hester's condition. One went in to retrieve Martin, who appeared a few moments later, ashen faced.
"Niles, it doesn't look good," he whispered wiping his eyes. "I tried to call Frasier earlier but because of the time difference I had some problems."
"Don't worry Dad, I'll get through for you," Niles said. "I've got my cell phone with me and I won't give up until I have him."
Martin didn't even ask about Maris.
"I think I had better get back in there," he said. "Would you like to come in now?"
"I'll be in shortly, Dad," Niles said quietly, his voice trembling slightly, "I'm going to try Frasier and just talk to the doctors a bit more and then I will be in, is that O.K.?"
Martin looked up at him as if he had been awakened from a long slumber, "Sure, son.... that's fine. I'll see you in a bit."
Niles felt for him. He knew his dad would be lost without her. If Niles depended on her for his spiritual and emotional support, Martin's needs were tenfold more intense. Sure they had had a "rough patch" back some years ago now, but they worked through it and had come out of the experience stronger. The way Martin and Hester had handled their "problems" was a beacon of inspiration for Niles. He told himself that if Mom and Dad could do it, then he could work things out with Maris too.
"We are just having some communication problems. Mom and Dad seemed to be in serious trouble - arguing all the time, hardly speaking to each other. But it didn't destroy their love - they stayed together." He pondered, "I wonder what that was *really* all about... But I won't go there now - I have to stay focused and make sure Dad's alright! I should call Frasier."
Niles flipped open his phone and willed his fingers to press the correct buttons. The stress of the whole situation was starting to wear on him. The lack of sleep, the problems between Maris and his family, his mother's illness, the tension between Maris and himself lately - all were beginning to take their toll on his mind and body.
"Perhaps talking to Frasier will help," Niles thought. "He was my best friend when we were younger. Come to think of it, he was my only friend. I hope he can make it back to Seattle before... before...." Even in the solitude of his own mind he couldn't bring himself to use the finality of the phrase "she dies".
"Hello, Frasier Crane," said a familiar voice.
"Frasier, it's Niles. Mom's condition has deteriorated," Niles said the words rapidly as if hurrying through the information would change the prognosis. "Dad and I have been called to the hospital and we are here with her now. How soon do you think that you could get back here?"
"Oh, Niles, my god - no!!" Frasier fell silent and Niles knew he was struggling to control himself. "I... I... don't know what to say! H...h....how long do you think she has? How is Dad? How are you?"
"Well, they aren't sure," responded Niles choking back the tears. He hadn't intended to breakdown but if he knew that Frasier was crying, then his tears wouldn't be far behind. "It could be anytime now. It depends on so many factors...." He trailed off, unsure of how to end that sentence. "Dad would really like it if you could be here."
"Of course! I'll catch the next plane out. The last time I saw her she seemed so chipper. But that was a month ago." Niles heard Frasier gulp and once again he knew his brother was fighting to maintain his control. "God, Niles - I didn't realize!! I'll be there as soon as I possibly can.... Listen, Niles - umm, this is very difficult for me to say - If I don't make it in time..... will ... you...."
"Please, Frasier don't say another word!" Niles interjected, "Of course, I will tell Mom you meant to be there and how much you love her."
"Thanks Niles, you are a good brother. I hope to see you all very soon," and with those words Frasier hung up the phone.
Niles just stood there for a moment gathering his thoughts. Then he slowly clicked off the cell phone and returned it to his jacket pocket. Taking a deep breath he turned around to face Hester's room and knocked slowly on the heavy metal door as he opened it.
"Dad, is it alright for me to come in?" Niles asked knowing full well it was, but inquiring more out of respect and to give his father a moment to collect himself, than anything else.
"Sure son, come on in" Martin quietly answered, "Did you get a chance to talk to Frasier?"
"Yes," answered Niles, "He is on his way. I know he will try his best to get here before....." He was going to say "it is too late" but realized he was actually in Hester's room and didn't finish the sentence.
"Can I talk to Mom?" Niles' voice almost fell to a whisper.
"Sure Niles." Martin replied, "I'm not sure she can answer you but the doctors said that she is able to understand what you're saying. They have given her a lot of pain killers, you know."
Martin quietly exited the room to give them some privacy.
In the low light of the hospital room Hester looked like she was just resting. Of course there were the tubes and the persistent humming of the machines that helped keep her alive, but through his tears Niles only saw his mother lying on the small narrow bed. She seemed like she was made from gossamer. He came closer and reached out his hand to touch her. He almost feared that his hand would pass through her corporeal form. Very gently he stroked her silver brown hair.
"Mom," he swallowed hard and inhaled a gulp of fresh air. " Mom... I just spoke to Frasier and he wants you to know that he loves you very much and he is on his way right now. Mom, is .... is there anything we can do for you? More blankets... anything? Mom....."
Hester open her eyes to look at her youngest son. She slowly gave her head a little nod up and down. Niles leaned in close knowing his mother was in an extremely weakened condition.
"Please, look after your father for me," she whispered. "Don't let him be too alone."
"Of course, Mom. I promise. Is there anything else?" Niles' tears fell on the stiff hospital sheets.
"Find some happiness in life Niles," Hester whispered. "I love you so much and I want you to be happy."
Niles didn't put up any argument and say that he was happy with Maris. With all the recent troubles he just couldn't form the words. He lay his head down on the hard mattress and nodded slowly in agreement to his mother's request. Hester laid her hand on her son's head with slow deliberation.
"P...p....p...lease, Mom, don't leave me!" Niles blubbered. "I need you so much!!!"
"Niles, I have to," Hester said calmly. "I don't want to die, but I will finally be done with the pain."
"Alright," he sighed. "Do you want me to get Dad?"
Hester only mouthed the words "yes" - her strength rapidly slipping away.
Niles sat up, reached over and delicately kissed his mother's forehead and whispered in her ear "I love you, goodbye" and with those final words went out into the fluorescent-bright hallway.
"Dad....Dad...Mom would like you to come in, please." Niles tenderly shook his father's shoulder as he cleared his throat.
Martin silently got up and returned to his wife's side.
Then Niles Crane sat down and wept for his empty heart.
Jagged thorns and pretty petals
Butterflies and stinging nettles
Sunny days and nights of blackness
But where's the joy to cure my sadness?
Gleaming cars and covered faces
Teary eyes in hallowed places
Grass and granite stone
No one's been more all alone
And if you sleep, you sleep with God
And if I cry, it's for my heart
Why should I hope to make it through?
'Cause if you sleep, I'll sleep too.
THE END
*The song "If You Sleep" comes from the Tal Bachman CD - Tal Bachman, 1999 Columbia Records.