The Great Birthday Bash Luke Hates Lorelai

by Oregano

Lorelai is scheming for a way to make Luke enjoy his birthday. With the town's help (except that family who lives in Squash) and even Jess as a secret agent, will Lorelai succeed?

1. A Cake, But Not A Chocolate One

THE GREAT BIRTHDAY BASH (LUKE HATES LORELAI)
by Oregano

INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY
The diner has a few customers, but not so much as to be called 'busy.' We see that LORELAI GILMORE is on a barstool, drinking her coffee. Behind the counter, LUKE DANES is wiping it clean.

LORELAI
Hey, Luke?

LUKE
Yeah?

LORELAI
Do you like parties?

LUKE
What?

LORELAI
Parties. You know, where people generally get together and have fun. It usually includes food, music, gifts… naked woman, if you're getting married the next day...

LUKE
No.

LORELAI
Really? Well, do you like being surprised?

LUKE
No. I'm too old for birthday parties, Lorelai.

LORELAI
But it's your birthday! Birthdays are supposed to be fun! Did you not hear me mention the naked ladies?

LUKE
I am spending by birthday up in the apartment with my door locked where nobody can bug me and nobody will ambush me with a gargantuan vanilla cake with stupid little garden sprites and Tinkerbell fairies dancing the Macarena around it.

LORELAI
Sprites and fairies? Really? I was thinking along the lines of gnomes and strippers, but hey, you're the birthday boy.

LUKE
No birthday shindigs, Lorelai.

LORELAI
Alright, alright, I heard you the last time, Peter Pan!

INT. THE INDEPENDENCE INN – DAY
SOOKIE ST. JAMES is bent over a pot, cooking. Lorelai enters excitedly. She walks over to Sookie and taps her on the shoulder. Sookie turns around.

LORELAI
I'm throwing a huge birthday bash for Luke and you will help me arrange everything!

SOOKIE
(forgets what she is cooking)
What? Oh! Right! It's his birthday! Man, how old is Luke? Thrity-eight? Fifty-seven?

LORELAI
You're just throwing random numbers around, aren't you?

SOOKIE
Well, the man's so secret-agent-y! Oh! This is going to be so exciting! We'll need so much planning! Balloons…

LORELAI
…a big cake—he wants garden sprites and Tinkerbell fairies dancing the Macarena around it…

SOOKIE
Okay.
(beat)
Oh! Music!

LORELAI
Decorations! Flashdance theme!

SOOKIE
(eyes widen)
PEOPLE! Who are we inviting?

LORELAI
The whole town!
(beat)
Except the really scary family that lives on Squash…

SOOKIE
Yeah. Those guys give me the creeps, too. I don't think they bathe much, either…

INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT
Lorelai and her daughter RORY GILMORE are in their pajamas. They are watching a movie and eating popcorn.

LORELAI
So, what do you think?

RORY
I think Luke is going to kill you.

LORELAI
Well, at least he'll have a good time while doing it. So, are you going to help me?

RORY
Are you kidding? Yeah!

LORELAI
Great! I've recruited almost half a dozen people. This is so cool.

RORY
We need someone from the inside, though. Someone who can monitor Luke while go about our plan.

LORELAI
I so know who you're thinking. I don't think he's going to help, though.

RORY
But Jess is perfect!

LORELAI
Gah, then you recruit the little punk.

RORY
I'm on it. First thing tomorrow.

INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY
JESS MARIANO is working. His back is to us. He is behind the counter, making coffee. We then see Rory enter. She nonchalantly leans on the counter, and takes a seat.

RORY
Hey, Jess.

Jess turns around and smirks.

JESS
What can I get you?

RORY
Actually, I need a favor.

JESS
Rory Gilmore wants something from me? What could that be? I'm intrigued.

RORY
My mom is throwing a birthday party for Luke and we were wondering if you could help us.

JESS
(suspicious)
How?

RORY
Well, you could maybe… be our inside guy.

JESS
No.

RORY
What?

JESS
I am not going to follow Luke around like some emissary. I do believe I have higher standards than that.

RORY
What if I pay you for your services?

JESS
Huh. You really think I'm that shallow?
(beat)
See a movie with me this weekend.

RORY
What?
(beat)
Like a date?

JESS
(shrugs)
Think what you want to think.

Rory hesitates.

JESS
(cont'd)
But if you have a Dean-thing scheduled… I'm sure you can find a replacement mole.

RORY
Fine. I'll go.

JESS
Great.
(grins)
Nice doing business with you. Enjoy your fries.

Rory walks towards the door, troubled.

JESS
See you this weekend!

INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – KITCHEN – NIGHT
The kitchen is a mess: the table is full of papers and other clutter. Lorelai is standing by the microwave with a fork in her hand. Rory is by the table, trying to free up some space.

We hear the sound of the microwave heating up their dinner in the background.

LORELAI
You did what?!

RORY
It's just a movie, mom. With my friend.

LORELAI
No, it is a date, with Jess! What about Dean, then? I don't think he'll see a date with Jess quite the same way as, let's say, a movie with Lane…

RORY
It is not a date with Jess! It is a movie with my friend who happens to have been named Jess! I didn't have a choice!

LORELAI
Yes, you did, Rory. You had a choice. This isn't one of those life-and-death situations; you could have said no. And you know what I think?

RORY
What?

LORELAI
I think you want to go out with Jess. Oh, Rory, he will break your heart! Don't do this to yourself; trust me, this isn't worth it. You are going to hurt so many people…

Rory is hurt at what Lorelai has just said. Lorelai stops taking for a moment; then she sighs.

LORELAI
You're sure this isn't a date?

RORY
Positive.

LORELAI
Well, just… just be careful, alright? Bring a can of pepper spray or something.

Rory smiles. She quickly gets up and hugs Lorelai.

RORY
Thanks, mom.

LORELAI
But if he does something to hurt you, I will grab his ugly little neck and break it.

RORY
It's nice to know I have a very gentle bodyguard. Like, a Care Bear.

The microwave beeps three times and then the kitchen becomes quiet.

INT. LUKE'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
We start at Luke's quarters. It is neat, clean and organized. We then PAN OVER to Jess' quarters. Everything is scattered about. His CD's are all over his bed and the floor; his books are stuffed everywhere and some lay on the bed, together with the CD's.

We PAN OVER AGAIN towards Luke and Jess, who are in the middle of it all; in the kitchen. Luke is making dinner and Jess is sitting on a chair, reading a book.

JESS
Is dinner ready yet?

LUKE
No.

JESS
Oh.

LUKE
Is the table set yet?

JESS
No.

LUKE
Oh.

An awkward silence develops. Jess suddenly stops reading and turns to Luke casually.

JESS
So, birthday's coming up, huh?

LUKE
What's going on?

JESS
Nothin'.

LUKE
Is Lorelai planning something?

JESS
How should I know? You're the one who talks to her all the time.

LUKE
Then why are you all… all question-y and stuff?

JESS
What? I just asked one! You're the one who's all inquisitive and demanding…

LUKE
So Lorelai isn't up to something?

JESS
I have no idea.
(beat)
So, dinner anytime soon?