The Emperor's New Groove…

(You just KNOW that something's gonna get weird…)

((The disclaimer is pretty much the same except this relates to Crushbone. I do not own Crushbone or any of its happy little orc population. This story, I DO own, minus a few parts I got from a drop dead hilarious EQVideo. The character played in this tale is a member of our guild and all rights for Ashikira belong to him. ))

After the accounts of Mistmoore, another great adventure began to unfold. Although…these new accounts weren't just about Kannayael and Persephonya…no, this is a story of a monk named Ashikira and his trip to a certain Camp Crushbone…

The boat swayed back and forth as it traveled through different locations. How it could possibly do that is beyond me, what without a captain and such…or for that matter a crew. It was mind-boggling!

"Ah, good, we should be arriving shortly now…oh how I wish to see the look on Kannayael's face when he sees that I've tracked him down again." The ocean breeze fills his nose to the brim with a welcomed scent of pine and mist.

Among the other travelers on board he picked up the most delightful little tale. "Aye, I hear tis good lootin' this time of year." They were dwarves, little folk with whom even females had beards. "Ah, that Crushbone is the place to be right now, greatest way to get new equipment."

Ashikira was most entertained by this; he now felt the urge to go to Crushbone. "Kannayael will just have to wait…this could prove to be a wise move in the Coven's favor." He begins to stroke an imaginary tuft of hair on his chin… "If I remember correctly…dark elves have close ties with the Crushbone Orcs…so they can't slaughter any of them." His imaginary fuzz dwindled away. "…so I'll just pick up some items for them in which they couldn't get otherwise."

"Hey, master human…you ain't gonna get anything now, we just passed Butcherblock Port." One of the dwarves, encumbered with the stench of beer, had spoken to him.

"What?! Oh great, I can't miss it now!" With those as his embarking words he hurls himself over the edge and swims towards shore. He gained a few more points in his swimming (25) all the way to (34) from the distance he swam…he just picked a random direction and went that way, man he was a lucky one.

After running across the massive stone walls of Butcherblock he was stopped short by a…well…short man, a gnome of sorts. "Good day to you, sir gnomey-thing, forgive me but I'm in quite a hurry…"

"Ohhhh, well that's easy for a wee man like me, heehee, that it is!" The gnome had spunk, stuff that kinda just lingered within the pockets of most, sitting there along with the lint and a few copper pieces. "Loompah Wigglesworth's the name, spirits are my game!"

Oh the horror…Ashikira's face was beyond recognition from it's cowering self. This little man was scary, like carnival folk…small hands. "Um…I must be going now…perhaps…we shall meet…at a much later time…" Those words were his last words because in an instant, the little man's hands waved in front of him, sparkling all different colors.

"There you go, Mr. Biggun…my you're tall, and now you're fast!" With that the gnome smiles and turns invisible, the sound of a pitter-patter type noise echoing off into the distance.

Ashikira, not quite knowing what just happened to him, looks down and inspects himself a bit further to see what this little thing did to him. His eyes caught glimpse of his shoes, their shape had changed to little wolves and they were growling as if ready to run, wagging their little tails from his heel. "Wow, that wasn't so bad…now I can get back to Mistmoore sooner." His voice wasn't emitting form the same spot he was just in, however…he had already taken off down the path and was quite near the treetop city of Kelethin within a matter of minutes. Above he could hear grunts and squeals of gibberish nonsense, then he began to see people drop like flies from the platforms which linked the buildings together. "…What's WITH these people?!" Shaking his head firmly he manages to completely run past the guards to a small cave and into the camp of his destination.

LOADING PLEASE WAIT…

((This is gonna happen at least ONCE per story…or WILL it? ^^;; ))

"Alright, I'm in the zone!" He throws a fist up triumphantly and does a little jig right there in the middle of Crushbone…he was a strange one but we all loved him. "Now, according to the cheaply thrown about banners…this must mean it's the time of year where the orcs show off their mad skills in a competition." Being the monk that he is, he didn't wear heavy gear, which meant his footsteps were silent. Moving over to the top of a hill, which was conveniently located within plain sight of EVERYTHING in the area, he sat and looked straight into the window of the tower.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the lord of the dance, the ruler of Crushbone himself……Emperooooooooor Crush!" An announcer like voice rings through the castle's walls, its range extended due to the megaphone seen at the lips of this broadcaster. He was a tall man, pale blue skin, much like a shmurf (that's the official way to spell it now so bleh!), ya know what I mean? He was clad in some form of chainmail and wore really kickin' black shades too.

"There's my target candidate number one…" Ashikira's eyes then catch glimpse of an orc coming onto the stage, cheers filling the air as this pimp-like creature in his fluffy robes. "…And that must be Emperor Crush…candidate number two…" A calm grin covers his expressionless lips as he hops down from his perch, darting into the front doors of the castle. "Oh crap, someone's coming! I need a place to hide…" His eyes look back and forth and he spots the only thing available…the blood fountain at the center of the threshold. "This is so grotesque…ugh, but I have no choice." He splashes into the water and sinks down as far as he can into it.

(Insert funny a$$ orc scenario here…)

"Oh dear of dear, I really have to take a pee pee…" An orc legionnaire walks in from the throne room, in the background you can hear music like that of a Pleasantville movie…all happy and old and stuff… "…Hmm…I could go out the window…uh better not." He looks around a bit and sees the fountain. "Is that a bathroom over there? Why yes it is!" With a few waddles he makes his way over there and lets loose his raging river inside, trickling into the pools of a hiding place below. "Uragh…yeaaah…. ooooohoohoohoo…."

Ashikira felt the warm trickling and nearly gagged from under the water…if it could safely be called that anymore. He had no choice but to take out this violator. "Gya!" He jumps out and kicks the orc straight in the face, knocking him out on the ground in a second. "Oh man, I'll NEVER get the smell out!"

(Alright that was the fun little insert which I laughed at for quite a while, thank you for your contribution Mr. Iksar ^^ )

CLEANING OFF ORC "PEE PEE" SMELL PLEASE WAIT…

"The things I do for admiration…" Ashikira complains a bit to himself then enters the castle again, looking into the throne room he then felt that ALL of his efforts should've been taken down a notch or two. What he saw was quite interesting though; Emperor Crush was getting his mad skills admired by the public using a portable arcade system we all know as… Dance Dance Revolution 7th Mix. "Wow…" Ashikira's face was hit with a sudden gust of energy from the huge amount of colorful arrows on the screen, the music itself was also wondrous…he'd never seen someone's feet move so fast.

"Oh, keep it movin'!" D'vinn had seemed to have taken the place of the DDR announcer on the game and decided with all his D'vineness that he should do it. "This, ladies and gentlemen, is the glory of a 12 footer!" (Inside joke to show a friend that he too can still be beaten by an orc…)

"Graaaa! I'm just getting warmed up!" The little orc pumps up his Faydwer brand Pump-the-Funk shoes and pushes the play button again.

"This shouldn't be right…I need to get out of here before the arrows corrupt me too!" He grabs his head around the ears and tries to block out the music and the voices.

"Join us, Ashikira…" The voices of zombified drunk orcs in the form of one of those cartoon things where they're trying to get someone into a crazy trend… "Join us…Join us…"

"Nooo! I'll never join you!" He falls to the floor in a fit of kicks and screams…then he wakes up and realizes ALL the orcs are looking at him. "Oh…freakin' NO!" His luck was just screwed up somehow…oh well.

"Get him! Tear the intruder limb from limb!" D'vinn's mega-phony (Yes phony…) voice fills the ears of all, the population closing in on him.

It will take 30 more seconds to camp…

(Whoops, sorry wrong button…been sitting here too long.)

He had no choice now…he had to show them what he was made of…he stood up and readied himself for the most devastating thing he's probably ever done…and so…30 seconds later…

"Alright alright! Lets here it for the new guy!" The ambassador starts to clap his hands together, resulting in the applause of many.

Both Ashikira AND Crush were collapsed on the floor, exhausted from doing the most difficult song known to all of Norrath, both panting and perspiring on the wooden structure of the castle. "Alright…I'm done…can I go now?"

They all nod in unison and give an orcish croak of honor, handing him a Dwarvin Ringmail Tunic and a few Dragoon Dirks as a prize for beating "The King of DDR."

And so, this account of a human monk's amazing skills at DDR comes to a close, Ashikira had gotten the items he desired to get while here in Crushbone and he was now headed off towards Mistmoore Castle, fully loaded with ale of all sorts.