Innuendo 3/?
By: ShinigamiForever & Perfect-Dark01
A Smoke Break Production
A/N: Hah! Yes. You'll never get rid of us now, will you. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA. Slash. Oddity. Humor. You have been warned. Now read, minions.
[Gryffindor lunch table, 11:56 AM]
"There you are! Where have you been?"
"Well, if you hadn't noticed, Divinations is so much farther from the Great Hall than Muggle Studies."
"It's not MY fault you're still taking that ridiculous class."
Smirk. "Well, it's not our fault you're not good at it."
"Honestly, Ron. You know none of it's true."
"But that makes homework so much easier."
"Harry, you at least should know the value of-"
"Oh, both of you. Shut up and eat."
Silence.
"I swear my meat is alive."
"My vegetables are walking."
"BOYS."
Silence.
"But they are."
Sarcastic, "Oh, and what are they doing now? Flirting with Malfoy?"
"Your vegetables are trying to steal my boyfriend?"
"Can't you see how irresistible they are?"
"Eugh. Asparagus?"
"Does Malfoy like asparagus?"
Laughing, "I dunno. Why don't you ask him, Ron?"
Pointedly, "I'd rather not, thank you very much."
Silence.
"Did my meat really bark, or was that just me?"
"I think you're barking mad, that's what."
"But it did. I swear I heard it too."
"Ron, shut up before I throw you and your walking vegetables, along with Harry and his barking meat, out the Great Hall."
Morosely, "Just wait until your drink starts growing eyes. Then you'll know how we feel."
Exasperated sigh. "Honestly."
"You say that far too much." Smack over head. "Oy! Harry! I did not deserve that."
"Ahem. Midget in glasses. Remember your lesson."
"Duly noted, sir."
[Slytherin lunch table, 12:08 PM]
"What in god's name is happening over at the Gryffindorks table?"
"No, no, Zabini. It's Griffindoors. Doors of the griffins."
"Your humor is starting to trouble me."
"Only just now?"
"Shut up Pansy. And really, Blaise, you've been ever so upset since the showers. One would think you got out of the wrong side of the bed." Smirk.
"Shut up before I turn Pansy loose."
Sarcastic, "Oooh. Scary. See the fear."
Sound of food hitting plate. "Eat. Or else shut your gob."
"Eat? This food? Are you trying to poison me?"
"Are you giving me ideas? It's awfully tempting, you know."
"For that devious thought, I'll give you a kiss." Sly laugh.
"DON'T. YOU. DARE! Stay the fuck away from me!"
"Language, Zabini. Language."
"Wah fucking wah. Screw the teachers and Dumbledore's fat white arse."
"Lily white. Not just white."
Choke. "Head-headmaster!" Muffled protesting.
"Blaise, shut up and let me handle this." Sweetly, "Zabini is. not in a good mood today, Professor Dumbledore. Do excuse him, please."
"Since you're asking so politely, Mr. Malfoy."
"Thank you." Sound of prodding elbow. "Do that some more and you'll be expelled."
"Wah fucking wah."
"Where did you pick up on that phrase? It's annoying."
"Flint. Or Higgs. Or one of the old Slytherin alumni."
"Remind me to kill them."
"You? Against Flint? You must be kidding."
"Flint sucks his thumb. That's why his teeth are like that, don't you know?"
"And here I thought it was just God's way of telling me I am damn fine looking."
Snort. Choke. Laughter.
"Don't you dare say a word, Malfoy. Not one fucking word."
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:17 PM]
"I hate this class."
"Oh, Ron. Don't say that."
"I hate this class. I hate this class. I hate this class. I hate this class. So bite me."
"When, where, and how hard, Ron?"
"Seamus. Shut the fuck up."
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:21 PM]
"Have I said I hate this class?"
"Yes, Ron, you have."
Silence. "Well, just so you know. I do."
"We know, Ron."
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:27 PM]
"Have I said-"
"Shut up, Ron."
"-that I love you Harry?"
"Yes you-" Silence. "WHAT?!"
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:35 PM]
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
Cough. "Professor Moody, with all due respect, you are 30 minutes late."
"Ah. Um. That is very true, Ms. Granger."
"Professor-Are those hickeys?"
"Erm."
"Oh. My. God."
Dry retching noises. "I think I'm going to be sick."
"You among the many."
"Who with?! Who with?!"
"Seamus. We. Do. Not. Want. To. Know."
"Ah, that's very true too, Ms. Granger. You probably don't."
More dry retching noises.
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:41 PM]
"Today's lesson will be on the Runespoor, a common pet of Dark Arts wizards."
Cough disguising, "Malfoy."
"Ron, I'm warning you."
"If you two don't mind."
Together, "Of course not, Professor."
"The Runespoor is not the most dangerous of all creatures, although it is a three headed snake-"
"NOT DANGEROUS?!"
"Professor, isn't it common knowledge that most creatures with three heads are particularly dangerous?"
"Well, Mr. Potter, you and your sidekicks have a total amount of three heads. Do you consider yourself, as a group, to be dangerous?"
"Are you insinuating that we are beasts?"
"Why, of course not, Ms. Granger. That would be entirely your doing."
"Moving on. The first thing when dealing with anything involving Dark Arts or their associations is CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
Undertone, "Yes, yes, now just move the fuck on with it."
"Mr. Finnegan, do you have anything you would like to add?"
"Uh. No, Professor, I do not."
"Good. Now, where was I? Oh yes. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
[Greenhouse #2, 1:38 PM]
"What exactly does this plant do? I mean, besides sit there and dribble spit."
"It's not spit, Draco darling. It's sap."
"Do not call me darling, Pansy. And it's spit. I swear to god. It's spit."
"Oh, hush up, Draco. You were probably like that when you were a baby."
"Yes, but I wasn't on a vine!" Undertone, "Now you I can't say."
"I was NOT born on a vine!"
"Oh? Could have fooled me. Look at the resemblance. Dribbles spit. Stares blankly out into space. Is quite dumb. Has a squished nose. A big mouth."
Smack over the head. "I do not dribble spit, thank you very much. And Crabbe told me I was quite pretty. Just the other day."
Snort. "Crabbe? Vincent Crabbe? And you believed him?"
"He's quite the gentleman. I think I quite like him."
"Oh dear Lord, save me."
"Can you imagine the babies they'd produce?"
"Zabini, I do not need that image in my head. None of them should be allowed to reproduce. Just the idea of it." Shudders.
"I AM QUITE PRETTY!"
"Just keep telling yourself that, Pansy. Just keep telling yourself that."
"Want a knuckle sandwich, Blaise?"
"And you want to be a mother because? You can torture kids better that way?"
"You're so-MEAN!" Sniffling, sounds of crying.
"You made her cry."
"And you're worried because.?"
"I'm not. It's just. You made her cry. She- She NEVER cries."
"Oh, go on. You're going to start crying."
"I AM NOT!"
"Little Drakkie-wakkie wants his blankie-wankie, doesn't he?"
"Zabini. I'm warning you."
"Aw, does Drakki-wakkie want his bottle-poo instead?"
"So I can smack you over the head with it, yes."
"I think somebody needs a nappie!"
"I think somebody needs a good pounding, that's what."
"Touchy, touchy."
"Hey. Want a kiss, Zabini?"
Angrily, "No!"
"Now who needs a nappie?"
A/N: Wah fucking wah belongs to Terence Higgs of LumosNox. The part about Marcus sucking his thumb belongs to Oliver Wood, also of LumosNox. Heads up to all the players there.
There. We're not done, we promise. *evil grins*
A/N: Hah! Yes. You'll never get rid of us now, will you. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA. Slash. Oddity. Humor. You have been warned. Now read, minions.
[Gryffindor lunch table, 11:56 AM]
"There you are! Where have you been?"
"Well, if you hadn't noticed, Divinations is so much farther from the Great Hall than Muggle Studies."
"It's not MY fault you're still taking that ridiculous class."
Smirk. "Well, it's not our fault you're not good at it."
"Honestly, Ron. You know none of it's true."
"But that makes homework so much easier."
"Harry, you at least should know the value of-"
"Oh, both of you. Shut up and eat."
Silence.
"I swear my meat is alive."
"My vegetables are walking."
"BOYS."
Silence.
"But they are."
Sarcastic, "Oh, and what are they doing now? Flirting with Malfoy?"
"Your vegetables are trying to steal my boyfriend?"
"Can't you see how irresistible they are?"
"Eugh. Asparagus?"
"Does Malfoy like asparagus?"
Laughing, "I dunno. Why don't you ask him, Ron?"
Pointedly, "I'd rather not, thank you very much."
Silence.
"Did my meat really bark, or was that just me?"
"I think you're barking mad, that's what."
"But it did. I swear I heard it too."
"Ron, shut up before I throw you and your walking vegetables, along with Harry and his barking meat, out the Great Hall."
Morosely, "Just wait until your drink starts growing eyes. Then you'll know how we feel."
Exasperated sigh. "Honestly."
"You say that far too much." Smack over head. "Oy! Harry! I did not deserve that."
"Ahem. Midget in glasses. Remember your lesson."
"Duly noted, sir."
[Slytherin lunch table, 12:08 PM]
"What in god's name is happening over at the Gryffindorks table?"
"No, no, Zabini. It's Griffindoors. Doors of the griffins."
"Your humor is starting to trouble me."
"Only just now?"
"Shut up Pansy. And really, Blaise, you've been ever so upset since the showers. One would think you got out of the wrong side of the bed." Smirk.
"Shut up before I turn Pansy loose."
Sarcastic, "Oooh. Scary. See the fear."
Sound of food hitting plate. "Eat. Or else shut your gob."
"Eat? This food? Are you trying to poison me?"
"Are you giving me ideas? It's awfully tempting, you know."
"For that devious thought, I'll give you a kiss." Sly laugh.
"DON'T. YOU. DARE! Stay the fuck away from me!"
"Language, Zabini. Language."
"Wah fucking wah. Screw the teachers and Dumbledore's fat white arse."
"Lily white. Not just white."
Choke. "Head-headmaster!" Muffled protesting.
"Blaise, shut up and let me handle this." Sweetly, "Zabini is. not in a good mood today, Professor Dumbledore. Do excuse him, please."
"Since you're asking so politely, Mr. Malfoy."
"Thank you." Sound of prodding elbow. "Do that some more and you'll be expelled."
"Wah fucking wah."
"Where did you pick up on that phrase? It's annoying."
"Flint. Or Higgs. Or one of the old Slytherin alumni."
"Remind me to kill them."
"You? Against Flint? You must be kidding."
"Flint sucks his thumb. That's why his teeth are like that, don't you know?"
"And here I thought it was just God's way of telling me I am damn fine looking."
Snort. Choke. Laughter.
"Don't you dare say a word, Malfoy. Not one fucking word."
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:17 PM]
"I hate this class."
"Oh, Ron. Don't say that."
"I hate this class. I hate this class. I hate this class. I hate this class. So bite me."
"When, where, and how hard, Ron?"
"Seamus. Shut the fuck up."
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:21 PM]
"Have I said I hate this class?"
"Yes, Ron, you have."
Silence. "Well, just so you know. I do."
"We know, Ron."
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:27 PM]
"Have I said-"
"Shut up, Ron."
"-that I love you Harry?"
"Yes you-" Silence. "WHAT?!"
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:35 PM]
"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
Cough. "Professor Moody, with all due respect, you are 30 minutes late."
"Ah. Um. That is very true, Ms. Granger."
"Professor-Are those hickeys?"
"Erm."
"Oh. My. God."
Dry retching noises. "I think I'm going to be sick."
"You among the many."
"Who with?! Who with?!"
"Seamus. We. Do. Not. Want. To. Know."
"Ah, that's very true too, Ms. Granger. You probably don't."
More dry retching noises.
[Defense Against Dark Arts classroom, 1:41 PM]
"Today's lesson will be on the Runespoor, a common pet of Dark Arts wizards."
Cough disguising, "Malfoy."
"Ron, I'm warning you."
"If you two don't mind."
Together, "Of course not, Professor."
"The Runespoor is not the most dangerous of all creatures, although it is a three headed snake-"
"NOT DANGEROUS?!"
"Professor, isn't it common knowledge that most creatures with three heads are particularly dangerous?"
"Well, Mr. Potter, you and your sidekicks have a total amount of three heads. Do you consider yourself, as a group, to be dangerous?"
"Are you insinuating that we are beasts?"
"Why, of course not, Ms. Granger. That would be entirely your doing."
"Moving on. The first thing when dealing with anything involving Dark Arts or their associations is CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
Undertone, "Yes, yes, now just move the fuck on with it."
"Mr. Finnegan, do you have anything you would like to add?"
"Uh. No, Professor, I do not."
"Good. Now, where was I? Oh yes. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"
[Greenhouse #2, 1:38 PM]
"What exactly does this plant do? I mean, besides sit there and dribble spit."
"It's not spit, Draco darling. It's sap."
"Do not call me darling, Pansy. And it's spit. I swear to god. It's spit."
"Oh, hush up, Draco. You were probably like that when you were a baby."
"Yes, but I wasn't on a vine!" Undertone, "Now you I can't say."
"I was NOT born on a vine!"
"Oh? Could have fooled me. Look at the resemblance. Dribbles spit. Stares blankly out into space. Is quite dumb. Has a squished nose. A big mouth."
Smack over the head. "I do not dribble spit, thank you very much. And Crabbe told me I was quite pretty. Just the other day."
Snort. "Crabbe? Vincent Crabbe? And you believed him?"
"He's quite the gentleman. I think I quite like him."
"Oh dear Lord, save me."
"Can you imagine the babies they'd produce?"
"Zabini, I do not need that image in my head. None of them should be allowed to reproduce. Just the idea of it." Shudders.
"I AM QUITE PRETTY!"
"Just keep telling yourself that, Pansy. Just keep telling yourself that."
"Want a knuckle sandwich, Blaise?"
"And you want to be a mother because? You can torture kids better that way?"
"You're so-MEAN!" Sniffling, sounds of crying.
"You made her cry."
"And you're worried because.?"
"I'm not. It's just. You made her cry. She- She NEVER cries."
"Oh, go on. You're going to start crying."
"I AM NOT!"
"Little Drakkie-wakkie wants his blankie-wankie, doesn't he?"
"Zabini. I'm warning you."
"Aw, does Drakki-wakkie want his bottle-poo instead?"
"So I can smack you over the head with it, yes."
"I think somebody needs a nappie!"
"I think somebody needs a good pounding, that's what."
"Touchy, touchy."
"Hey. Want a kiss, Zabini?"
Angrily, "No!"
"Now who needs a nappie?"
A/N: Wah fucking wah belongs to Terence Higgs of LumosNox. The part about Marcus sucking his thumb belongs to Oliver Wood, also of LumosNox. Heads up to all the players there.
There. We're not done, we promise. *evil grins*