All Of That

by Lady Yami Bakura

A modern take off of Willy's "Much Ado About Nothing", It's better then it sounds I swear! R&R.

Okay, So I messed with Shakespeare, this is my version of Much Ado About Nothing that I wrote for a drama festival. I know I messed with the plot a bit and I made Don John funny, but it's still pretty good! Please R&R and Enjoy!!

Cyris: *looks up at his mistress* It turned out better on stage you know.

LYB: Hush you. You inspired bits of this, do you think we have to disclaim any of this?

Cyris: Hey, I'm just a muse. But you may want to anyway.

LYB: Fine, I don't own Shakespeare or any of his plays, poems etc… happy now?

Cyris: Yes mi'lady.


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All Of That
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Scene I: the meeting scene
(In front of Leonato's house)

Leonato: They'll be here soon, then we can finally start our party. I'm getting hungry.
Hero: Be calm father! Don Pedro will be here; it's quite a ways from the military base to here.
Leonato: I know that Hero! I'm just anxious to the see the Prince and his company.
Beatrice: The Prince? Oh Don Pedro. Isn't his "estranged" brother Don John coming too uncle?
Leonato: Yes Beatrice. As well as Count Claudio and Senior Benedict.
Antonio: I hear the both of them have been well received during this war. Claudio's attack plans haven't failed yet and Benedict has become quite well known for his fighting skills.
Beatrice: *laughs mockingly*
Antonio: What?
Beatrice: Benedict couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag if he had a pair of scissors!
Antonio: What's your problem?
Hero: Oh Beatrice and Benedict can't leave well enough alone, Antonio. They're always trying to out do each other and whenever they're close, the insults start flying.
Beatrice: Thank you so much for that wonderful overview, Hero.
Hero: You're welcome.
Antonio: Benedict has a good name here in Italy, Beatrice. Isn't that right Leonato?
Leonato: Indeed he does, and has an appetite for heroism.
Beatrice: Arrogance, don't you mean? Tell me, if he has such an appetite, how many has he killed and eaten in this war? Or better yet, how many has he killed? For I promise to eat everyone he's killed.
Antonio: He's a good soldier, lady.
Beatrice: Maybe a good soldier to a lady, but what is he to a lord?
Leonato: Beatrice!
Beatrice: Well it's true! He's arrogant, self-centered...
Hero: Beatrice....
Beatrice:*now counting on her fingers* ... haughty, conceited...
Hero: Beatrice!!
Beatrice: Okay! Okay!
Hero: You should be ashamed of yourself! Benedict is a good man.
Beatrice: *quietly* If you say so.
Hero: Good then. At least try to be civil to him.
Beatrice: Until he makes me angry, which he probably will.
Hero: Oh Beatrice. Please? Be nice to him, and Claudio as well?
Beatrice: Forgive me if I find Benedict a complete waste of space.
Antonio: Good Lord, Beatrice! You'll never get married.
Beatrice: I don't plan to.
Hero: Surely you have something good to say about Benedict.
Beatrice: He's my uncle's jester and a complete clown.
Hero: That wasn't exactly good.
Beatrice: In that case, I have nothing good to say.
Antonio: *making fun of Hamlet* woman, thy name is delusioned.
Beatrice: Ha! Antonio yours is....
Hero: ... Look!! I don't want to know what his name is!! Both of you children give it a rest. Look the Prince is coming.
Leonato: *in a good-natured way* It's about time.
[enter Don Pedro, Claudio and Benedict]
Don Pedro: Leonato! It's so good to see you again old friend!
Leonato: Don Pedro, Prince of Italy, it's indeed wonderful to see you again. And Count Claudio, my sincerest welcome.
Claudio: Hmm? *snaps out of gazing at Hero* You're gracious my lord.
Leonato: Seignior Benedict, as always you are welcome here.
Benedict: Thank you Leonato, my friend. *directed at Beatrice* As long as I feel welcome here.
Beatrice: Loser.
Benedict: Kiss-ass.
Hero: All right you two, let's not start this.
Benedict: You watch your back Beatrice, I'll make you stutter yet.
Beatrice: I'm waiting seignior foot-in-mouth.
Benedict: Begging you pardon but I have better things to do than bother with you.
Beatrice: Good! Go do them, far, far away!
Benedict: I meant while I'm here smart-ass!
Beatrice: Hey, don't you...
Leonato: Please! We're are grown adults! *To Don Pedro* How long will you be staying with us?
Don Pedro: A month or so old friend, until the army is well rested.
Claudio: Hmm? Oh. Yes, they are very tried from battle, we fought a regal campaign.
Benedict: Yeah. It was a noble victory.
Beatrice: Whose? Yours? I'd say it would be more like a fluke.
Benedict: Oh? Like you being born?
Beatrice: Hey!
Claudio: Do they always fight like this?
Hero: Always my lord.
Claudio: I see.
Don Pedro: Well, I think we best be shown to our rooms.
Leonato: Yes, before Beatrice has a sword pulled on her.
Benedict: She started it!
Don Pedro: Okay, let's not point fingers.
Beatrice: Oh I'll point a finger *gives Benedict the finger*
Don Pedro: That's enough.
Hero: I beg your pardon, your highness, but I will be happy to both apologize on behalf of Beatrice and Benedict for their immaturity! And I'll be happy to show you to your rooms.
Don Pedro: Thank you, Hero. Leonato, your daughter is very gracious and your niece has quite a sharp wit.
Hero & Beatrice: Thank you.
Leonato: Come in and we'll prepare for this evening's party.
Claudio: Yes, let's.
[exit all but Claudio and Benedict]
Claudio: Benedict! Stay a minute.
Benedict: What?! I'm hungry!
Claudio: Only a minute! God! You'd think your stomach ruled your life.
Benedict: It does.
Claudio: It amazes me how simple you can be.
Benedict: When I want to be.
Claudio: True. (pauses) Tell me, honestly, as my best friend, what do you think of Hero?
Benedict: Honestly? I'd say she's plain, comely and rather demanding. But for you, Claudio, I'll say she looks pretty good.
Claudio: Benedict! Your heart's like ice.
Benedict: Oh I get it, you like her.
Claudio: *smiling softly* Yes. I think I would like to marry her, she's stolen my heart.
Benedict: *slightly annoyed* Great. More melancholy nonsense.
Claudio: What's your problem?
Benedict: She's related to Beatrice so she can't be that bright.
Claudio: Okay what is it with you and her anyway? Do you always tease her?
Benedict: Yup. The girl's plain evil.
Claudio: If I didn't know better, I'd say you like her.
Benedict: *makes a noise of disgust* Sick! She's about as lovable as a mountain goat. About as smart as one too.
Claudio: *sarcastically* Oh excuse me!
Benedict: The girl is annoying, obnoxious, catty...
Claudio: I get the point.
Benedict: ... protestive, bitter...
Claudio: Benedict...
Benedict: ... self-righteous, did I mention annoying?
Claudio: She's not the only one being annoying!
Benedict: Well aren't we just the king of comebacks today.
Claudio: I would frankly rather be the king of hearts right about now.
Benedict: Good lord.
[re-enter Don Pedro]
Don Pedro: Come on you two, the ball will start soon.
Benedict: Sorry. Claudio here was professing his "undying love" for Leonato's daughter.
Don Pedro: For Hero? Oh wonderful! Will you try to win her over tonight at the dance, I know she's in the market for a husband right now. And Leonato would love it if...
Claudio: Oh no. I'm far to shy and I can't stand dancing, I couldn't...
Don Pedro: Why not?
Claudio: I'm not much for dancing and flirting... I'm... I'm, rather shy with women.
Don Pedro: *laughs* Oh Claudio, so modest! You'll make a wonderful husband someday soon.
Benedict: Ha! Those who marry are fools!
Don Pedro: *in a curious, knowing way* Oh? Now why do you say that Benedict?
Benedict: I say what I see as true. Men who marry are fools. They end up tortured and overworked. I swear to god, if I ever get married, you can take me out into the street, like a horse with a sign that say's good work for higher, and hang a sign about my neck that reads "here may you see Benedict: the married man."
Don Pedro: *laughing uncontrollably over Benedict's over-dramatic outburst* Aye me!
Benedict: I swear! You can do it! I'll never marry.
Don Pedro: If you say so. Now Claudio, I have an idea. I'm good with words and women, so tonight we'll ask Leonato for his blessing, and at the ball, I'll dress up like you and woe Hero for you!
Claudio: Really?
Don Pedro: Yes! I'll pretend to be you, Benedict can pretend to be me, and you can pretend to be Benedict.
Benedict: For Claudio's friendship and ruin, I'll do it.
Claudio: Funny. I'll agree to it, I don't think it will work, but lead on Don Pedro!
[exeunt]
Scene II: the ballroom scene.
(A hall in Leonato's home)
[Enter Don John and Borachio]
Borachio: Oh what's your problem? You've done nothing but pine since we got here with Don Pedro. "Oh poor pitiful me." Now there's a party going on and your still here with your head stuck in a gutter!
Don John: You know what Borachio? Bite me. I'll act how I want to act.
Borachio: Well pardon me, Don John! What is the matter anyway? Are you sick or something?
Don John: No. I'm bored.
Borachio: I see. *pauses* Of what?
Don John: Of all this lovey-dovey happiness! I swear to God, if I see one more robin redbreast singing in a tree I'm going to shoot it! It's high time we spiced things up around here. You know, make things difficult for my brother.
Borachio: You mean Don Pedro?
Don John: No, my twin Japanese brother from Siberia. Of course Don Pedro!!! How many brothers do you think I have?!
Borachio: There's just Don Pedro isn't there?
Don John: I think someone forgot to finish screwing in that light bulb over your head.
Borachio: Aren't you just the spiteful one today. But as for Don Pedro, yeah sure, I'm game. I don't like him anyway. What's the plan?
Don John: I'm not sure... yet. I'll think on it.
Borachio: Well, earlier today I overheard Don Pedro and Leonato talking. There may just be a wedding soon.
Don John: *curiously, evil starting to form in his mind* Really? Who?
Borachio: Leonato's daughter Hero and Count Claudio, if Hero consents that is.
Don John: *Still plotting* This might be worth my time after all. What else do you know?
Borachio: My little ears picked up a nice little plot for Don Pedro to dress up like Claudio to woo Hero for him.
Don John: Borachio, your the best. Evil clear through!
Borachio: I learned from the best.
Don Pedro: Why thank you! Come let's cook up a dark little plot to throw a wrench in their machine.
[As they exit, Leonato, Antonio, Hero, and Beatrice enter]
Leonato: Where's Don John going off to in such a hurry?
Antonio: Don't know, don't care.
Beatrice: He's a creep. I can't look at him for a second or I get heartburn.
Antonio: I'll agree to that. He's not really... um... normal.
Hero: That's giving him way too much credit Antonio, the guy is crazy.
Beatrice: Look on the bright side, at least he's not Benedict.
Leonato: On my soul Beatrice, you're so shrewd you'll never marry!
Antonio: Nope, she's too cursed with it.
Beatrice: Too cursed? That means I'm overly cursed. Hey! That means I'm blessed!
Antonio: How so?
Beatrice: Well, it's said, God sends a cursed cow short horns, so to an overly cursed cow he must send no horns.
Leonato: *amused by her ramblings* So that means what.
Hero: *laughing because she gets the joke* In other words, God won't send her a husband because a bull likes a cow with horns.
Beatrice: Exactly. I'll never marry.
Hero: Oh you'll marry someday.
Beatrice: Easy for you to say Miss Romantic.
Hero: Oh Beatrice...
Beatrice: Believe me, once that boy Claudio who was asking about you earlier starts to coo up to you, you'll fall victim to charm.
Hero: You will, too, in time. Enjoy it.
[music starts and Ursula enters]
Hero: Oh Ursula! Come over here!
[enter Don Pedro, Claudio and Benedict]
Don Pedro: *to Claudio and Benedict* We all know what to do then?
Claudio & Benedict: Yeah.
Don Pedro: Let's go then.
[They put on ballroom masks]
Don Pedro: *To Hero* My lady, are you about to walk with your friends?
Hero: *smiling* Why Sir? Are you Claudio?
Don Pedro: Yes my lady, I am. I'd like the honor of your company, just for a while.
Hero: *stepping away from the others* Oh? Maybe your visit should be concealed then?
Don Pedro: *holding out his hand* Speak low, if you speak of love.
[They start to dance and continue to talk softly as they retire to the back]
[enter Don John and Borachio, Borachio taps Ursula on the
shoulder and they start to dance together]
Borachio: Hello, old friend.
Ursula: Oh, you.
Borachio: Come on. I remember you liked me once.
Ursula: Yes, but you wouldn't like me anymore. I have bad qualities.
Borachio: Like what?
Ursula: I pray out loud.
Borachio: How is that bad? If you pray out loud, I can say "amen".
Ursula: I ask God to send me a good dancer.
Borachio: *flirtingly* Amen
Ursula: I ask God to keep him out of my sight when the dance is done.
Borachio: Alright, I get the point.
Ursula: *laughs*
[They retire]
[Meanwhile Benedict has pulled Beatrice aside and they have
started to dance and talk]
Beatrice: Won't you tell me who said that?
Benedict: No, you must pardon me.
Beatrice: And you won't tell me who you are?
Benedict: Not right now.
Beatrice: Come on, who said I was disdainful, and have no wit? It must have been Seignior Benedict.
Benedict: Who's that?
Beatrice: You must know him.
Benedict: I've never heard the name before.
Beatrice: He never made you laugh?
Benedict: I don't believe so. Who is he?
Beatrice: Why the Prince's jester! Very dull-witted boy, and he has a habit of making people laugh as well as making them angry.
Benedict: *slightly hurt* If I ever meet him I'll tell him you said so.
Beatrice: Oh do. He'll probably say a thing or two about me but that's okay. After I insult him, he has a habit of becoming bitter and not eating for a few days.
[There is a call for dinner]
Beatrice: Ah, the food's served. Are you coming?
Benedict: In a moment.
Beatrice: Come on, I promise to dance again if the food's no good.
[All exit except for Claudio, who is lagging, Don John and Borachio]
Don John: Who was that girl you were with?
Borachio: Ursula, Hero's handmaid. We've had an off and on thing for years.
Don John: Is that who I think it is?
Borachio: It's Count Claudio, I can tell by the way he walks. Good sir, are you Count Claudio?
Claudio: Not I.
Borachio: I think you are.
Claudio: You think wrong.
Don John: *aside to Borachio* Shall we start our little game?
Borachio: Yeah...
Don John: Then you must be Benedict.
Claudio: Yes.
Don John: It's just as well. Poor Claudio must be suffering from such a broken heart right now.
Claudio: Why?
Don John: Because of Prince Don Pedro of course! Please. It's so obvious he's trying to steal Hero for himself.
Claudio: *shocked and shattered* Is it so?
Don John: Oh yes, I know my brother very well.
Claudio: I... I best be to dinner...
Don John: Yes, us to. Fair well Benedict.
[Don John and Borachio exit laughing]
Claudio: *broken hearted, taking off his mask* Can it be true? Don Pedro only wanted Hero for himself? I've played the part of Benedict well. I know what I was never supposed to know.
[Enter Benedict, unmasked]
Benedict: Come with me.
Claudio: Where?
Benedict: To the willow tree in the garden so I can crown you the king of heart with the garlands or beat some sense into you with the branches!!
Claudio: *bitterly* Oh now what?
Benedict: Claudio, you're such an idiot. What's killing your heart now?
Claudio: Don Pedro is trying to steal Hero for himself.
Benedict: *annoyed* No he's not.
Claudio: Don John just told me so, and he's a royal.
Benedict: Don John is a chronic lair.
Claudio: He's still royal.
Benedict: Yeah, a royal pain the ass.
[Enter Don Pedro, unmasked]
Don Pedro: Claudio, good news! Hero's consented to be your wife! *no reaction* What's wrong? I've won her for you like I said I would.
Claudio: Not for yourself?
Don Pedro: *slightly confused* No, I won her for you like I said I would. She's yours heart and soul. She fell in love with the sweet words I said, pretending to be you.
Claudio: She's in love with me?
Don Pedro: Head over heals. She's all yours my friend.
Claudio: *thrilled* I... I don't know what to say! Thank you so much!
Don Pedro: You're very welcome. Go to her, she's wearing your ring and waiting in the great hall.
Claudio: Yes... I will, Thank you!
[exit Claudio]
Don Pedro: *laughs as Claudio leaves, then looks at Benedict* Why Benedict, why do you look so depressed?
Benedict: Me? Depressed? Never.
Don Pedro: You are, I know you that well I think. What's bothering you?
Benedict: Am I your jester?
Don Pedro: No dear boy! You're my friend, my dearest friend!
Benedict: Beatrice called me your jester.
Don Pedro: Beatrice? I thought you didn't care what Beatrice thought?
Benedict: *hesitantly* I don't.
Don Pedro: *Knowingly* Oh? It seems to me that her sharp comments mean something to you.
Benedict: No. *pauses* It's just... *pauses again* I was dancing with her, but she didn't know it was me. She said I was your jester and dull witted!
Don Pedro: *more amused then anything* My poor Benedict, you're heartbroken! I never thought I'd see the day.
Benedict: I am not!!
Don Pedro: You are. And... I should bite my tongue; she's right over there.
[Enter Leonato, Beatrice and Hero and Claudio who are
together]
Benedict: Do you have anything you need me to do?
Don Pedro: *finding this odd* No, I thought you were going to stay for rest of the party?
Benedict: I can't stay. I can't endure that woman's tongue.
[Exits severely]
Hero: Who was that?
Don Pedro: It was Benedict.
Claudio: What's wrong?
Don Pedro: Beatrice, you've hurt him more then you think.
Beatrice: What are you talking about?
Don Pedro: It was he you were dancing with.
Beatrice: *surprised* Oh. I, didn't know.
Leonato: Well I'll be damned, you do care.
Beatrice: Do not! I'm going back to dinner.
[Exits]
Don Pedro: I see all is well with you.
Claudio: *gazing at Hero* Yes, we are.
Hero: Well indeed.
Don Pedro: I'm happy for you.
Leonato: We all are.
Hero: Thank you your highness, father.
Don Pedro: Now I think I have a new challenge.
Hero: What?
Don Pedro: I know Benedict inside and out. I know that even thought he says he'll never marry, he'll be a good husband.
Claudio: *amused* You want to fix Benedict up? You're joking right?
Don Pedro: No! I'm serious!
Claudio: I'm Claudio, nice to meet you serious.
Don Pedro: Claudio! Work with me on this.
Claudio: Okay, who do you have in mind?
Don Pedro: Beatrice.
Hero: Say what?
Leonato: huh?
Claudio: Come again?
Don Pedro: *firmly* Beatrice.
Hero: Why Beatrice?
Don Pedro: Because they go well together, you all saw them dance. And If I hear Benedict say one more word about her I think I'll lose my mind.
Leonato: They do talk about each other a lot don't they?
Hero: She never shuts up.
Claudio: Neither does he.
Leonato: You really think you can get those two together?
Don Pedro: Yes I do.
Hero: Well let us help. I want to see how this will turn out.
Claudio: Oh yes.
Leonato: Well, I'm up for doing the impossible. I'd love Benedict in my family as well.
Don Pedro: Good then, follow me and I'll tell you what we shall do...
[They exit as Don John and Borachio enter]
Don John: Well, there goes Claudio and Hero... together. That didn't work well now did it.
Borachio: Nope.
Don John: I'm ambitious, how will we destroy this happy couple?
Borachio: We could frame one of them for cheating.
Don John: *wheels turning in his mind* Or better yet, frame Hero.
Borachio: Why Hero?
Don John: Think about it! It would disgrace Hero, Claudio for trusting her, Leonato as her father, and Don Pedro for getting them together in the first place.
Borachio: Four birds with one stone.
Don John: But how?
Borachio: Well you better decide soon, I'm meeting Ursula.
Don John: That's it! Borachio, if we somehow get Claudio to see someone with who he thinks is Hero, he'll be convinced she's undone!
Borachio: You want me to pretend Ursula is Hero?
Don John: Yes!
Borachio: No!
Don John: It's for a good cause.
Borachio: I'm not calling my girlfriend by some other girl's name and get in trouble for you!
Don John: Hold on, I can pay.
Borachio: Pay? Pay is good.
Don John: One hundred.
Borachio: Hell no!
Don John: One thousand?
Borachio: Hell yes!
[Exeunt]
Scene III: The tricking of Benedict
(The garden)

[enter Benedict]
Benedict: Hmm... women. They're all cracked. If I marry, she would have to be wise, intelligent... pretty? Beautiful. God, I can't believe I'm thinking about marriage. Funny? Yes, she has to be quick-witted... like Beatrice... ah!! Out my head! Out my head! You don't like Beatrice, you don't like Beatrice... *notices something off stage* What's up with those guys.
[Benedict hides; enter Leonato, Don Pedro and Claudio]
Don Pedro: *aside to Claudio and Leonato* Is he here?
Claudio:*aside returned* Over in the bushes.
Leonato:*aside to Claudio and Don Pedro* Good, shall we start?
Don Pedro: It's such a nice day to be in the gardens.
Leonato: Indeed. Claudio, wasn't Hero supposed to come walking with us?
Claudio: Yes, but she didn't want to leave Beatrice.
Leonato: Oh, poor dear Beatrice.
Don Pedro: What's wrong with Beatrice?
Claudio: *aside* We have his attention.
Leonato: Why, she's lovesick!
Claudio: Sick is right, the poor girl is losing her mind thought you'd never know it by looking at her.
Don Pedro: For whom?
Leonato & Claudio: Benedict!
Don Pedro: You're joking! Right? I thought she couldn't stand him?
Claudio: Ha! You wouldn't think that if you saw what Hero did.
Don Pedro: *aside* the hook is baited and the fish is biting.
Claudio: Hero says the girl paces the room all night, musing and sighing, calling his name and sobbing pitifully. But she says she would rather die than confess to Benedict.
Leonato: I don't really blame her.
Don Pedro: Maybe we should tell him...
Claudio: No! Benedict will never let her live it down. You know how much he teases her!
Don Pedro: You have a point.
Leonato: But I feel so bad for the girl! According to her she'll die if he found out, die if she tells, die if he woos her... I never knew someone could die three times.
Claudio: That is a problem.
Don Pedro: What else does she do?
Claudio: *To Leonato* Do you know about the letter incident?
Leonato: Hero told you too?
Don Pedro: What happened?
Leonato: Hero woke up to find Beatrice at her desk, writing, but crumpled the letter and threw it away, frustrated and sobbed that it wasn't right for a woman to write love letters to a man. So, as Hero tried to console her, Beatrice started drawing random doodles. She turned out a whole page of Beatrice and Benedict's written inside hearts.
Claudio: When Hero saw the drawings, Beatrice ripped the paper into a thousand pieces and fell to her knees, pulling at her hair, crying "Oh Benedict, what are you doing to me? Why do I love you so much?"
Don Pedro: The girl's drowning in love?
Benedict: *aside, shocked* Can they be speaking the truth? Of course it's truth, what am I thinking?! They're... their good men... the don't joke like this. It's truth!
Claudio: *aside to Leonato and Don Pedro* We have him boys, keep it up.
Don Pedro: Well what can we do for her, I feel so bad that Benedict is so aloof.
Leonato: There's not much we can do.
Claudio: He doesn't know what he's missing.
Don Pedro: Well he's a fool then. If it were me she was after, I'd be a married man right now! She's nice looking and incredibly smart.
Leonato: I think wise is a better word.
Claudio: And funny. Spiteful and sarcastic, but funny.
Don Pedro: The boy doesn't have a clue *aside* in more ways then one.
Leonato: It's beyond all three of us, but keep us updated Claudio. Hey, it's getting late, let's get to dinner.
[they start to exit]
Claudio: *aside to Leonato & Don Pedro* Let's send Beatrice out to bring Benedict to dinner.
Leonato: *aside returned* Good idea.
[they exit]
Benedict: *scrambles out of his hiding place with a perplexed look on his face* I don't believe it. *He is stunned almost to silence, so he is stammering slightly* I really don't believe it. What did I do to turn angel eyes on me. They can't be lying, they're good men, they... they... I'm confused!! Oh great, and now she's coming towards me.
[enter Beatrice]
Beatrice: *annoyed* Against my will I've been sent to tell you dinner is ready, so hurry up.
Benedict: *smiling gently* I thank you for telling me.
Beatrice: It would have been less troubling to see ghost in the dead of night.
Benedict: So it was troubling to see me?
Beatrice: *confused by his new passive nature* Yeah...
[exits, slightly confused]
Benedict: Oh I see, she's playing with words. It troubles her to see me like they said *now delighted* It's true, it's true! They should never say I was aloof to this!
[Exeunt]
scene IV: the tricking of Beatrice.
(The garden)

[enter Hero, Ursula and Antonio]
Antonio: What a beautiful night.
Hero: Yes, it's like watching heaven unfold. Antonio?
Antonio: Yes Hero?
Hero: Can you run and tell Beatrice I have something of hers I need to give back?
Antonio: Yeah, sure.
[exits]
Hero: You know what to do Ursula?
Ursula: Yup.
[enter Beatrice]
Ursula: Oh, but Beatrice is so... jaded!
Beatrice: *curious, dives for cover* This might be worth listening to.
Hero: I know that but it can't be helped. How I pity the poor soul for falling in love with her. If she finds out, she'll never let him live it down. You know how she's always teasing him.
Ursula: I know, it's a tragedy in the making.
Hero: The way she treats him it's a miracle he loves her at all.
Beatrice: *aside* Who?
Ursula: I do feel sorry for him.
Hero: Poor Benedict.
Beatrice & Ursula: *Beatrice is shocked, Ursula sounds pitying* Benedict.(!)
Hero: The poor boy. Claudio tells me he barely smiles anymore when he's out of public eye. He's that depressed. He tries to write to her, but ends up getting frustrated and throwing it away. That tongue of hers is a needle in his heart.
Ursula: What else does he do?
Hero: Well I heard from Claudio that last night that after the ball he started to cry.
Ursula: Cry?!
Hero: Sobbed with broken heart and anguish. He really doesn't know how to act toward her anymore and it truly terrifies and frustrates him.
Ursula: Aye me!
Hero: I know! The poor soul pines away day by day and Beatrice just keeps picking on him. It's rather unfair.
Ursula: *teasingly* Suppose if I went to Benedict, I could um... console him...
Hero: *amused* Ursula!
Ursula: What? He's hot.
Hero: And funny,
Ursula: And noble,
Hero: And smart,
Hero & Ursula: And charming.
Ursula: I wish I were her, only not so... unknowing.
Hero: Hmm... yes, but I have my Claudio. And aren't you dating that cute looking pageboy?
Ursula: Yeah, but Benedict is cuter, not to put down anyone here but...
Hero: I know what you mean. But I love Claudio above everything else.
Ursula: Love is a sweet thing.
Hero: Unless you're blind to it. Let's hope Beatrice opens her eyes.
[they start to exit]
Ursula: *aside to Hero* Did it work?
Hero: *aside returned* I think so *laughs*
[they exit]
Beatrice: I've always known Hero to be a joker but never about things like these. Do you love me Benedict? Charming Benedict? You, the one I've adored for so long? I suppose I have liked you, but... I never thought of it before! Have I only hurt you all along? I won't do it. I'll give up my chastisement. Love on Benedict. *Softly, almost fearfully* Maybe I'm the one falling for you.

Scene V: the specially inserted scene/ the cross-dressing scene. Written especially for Jeremy and Jeff.
(Hero's room.)
[enter Don John from one side, Borachio from the
other, dressed as a woman]
Don John: Borachio, I have your job cut out for you, all you have to do is... Good Lord!! What are you wearing?!
Borachio: You told me to call Ursula and dress up like Hero, so I did.
Don John: You idiot!!! I told you to call Ursula and dress her up like Hero, not you !!
Borachio: Oh... I get it now...
Don John: You moron. Claudio and Don Pedro are waiting for me in the garden, so there's not much time! Where's Ursula?
Borachio: She said she'd be back any minute. Doesn't this color make my eyes sparkle?
Don John: Yeah, it's nice.
Borachio: But I think the cut makes my butt look big.
Don John: Yeah, maybe should try something in a size... hey wait a minute! Get out of those clothes!
Borachio: Well I can't right here! My clothes are back in my room!
Don John: Oh brother.
Borachio: So what's the plan?
Don John: First get out of that dress, then go get Ursula. Offer her that dress as a gift. Then once she puts it on, take her over near this window, and you know... um...
Borachio: kiss her?
Don John: Whatever! Just do something, I'm going to get Claudio and Don Pedro and bring then to the garden below the window so they can see.
[Exeunt]
scene VI: The evil of Don John unfolds...
(The garden.. yeah, I like the garden, so sue me...)

[enter Don Pedro and Claudio from one side, Don John from the other]
Don Pedro: Don John why are you out so late?
Don John: I could ask the same of you brother. Isn't tomorrow your wedding day Claudio?
Claudio: It is.
Don John: You're actually the reason I'm out so late Claudio.
Claudio: Why do you want to see me?
Don John: *putting his plan in motion* well... I suppose Don Pedro can hear, it sort of concerns him.
Don Pedro: Well, out with it.
Claudio: Yeah, it's getting late and I'm kind of tired.
Don John: Well, after you hear what I have to say, I don't think you'll worry about sleeping.
Don Pedro: Would you hurry up?
Don John: Well... frankly, *he takes a deep breath* Hero is um... not faithful... to you.
Don Pedro: What!?
Claudio: *stumbles back like he's been punched, almost delirious* ... unfaithful? ...My Hero?
Don John: Yes, your Hero.
Don Pedro: That's a serious accusation brother.
Don John: I just saw it with my own eyes!
Don Pedro: If you speak true...
Claudio: *hurt* speaks true I'll be no married man tomorrow...
Don Pedro: *gently* What do you mean, Claudio?
Claudio: *softly, doubting* If what you say is true, tomorrow at the church, when they ask me if I'll take her as my wife, I'll renounce her for... for...
Don Pedro: Claudio, don't jump to conclusions yet. Prove this Don John and if you speak the truth I will undo her dishonesty, but not until you prove this!
Claudio: Yes, prove what you say! I won't take my Hero for a cheat.
Don John: Then follow me, good friends. *Aside, evil laughter* Everything is going perfectly...
[Exeunt]

scene VII: The first wedding. (or tragic wedding, which ever)
(A church, with a really high podium)

[enter; a priest, Hero, Beatrice, Benedict, Leonato, Ursula and
Antonio]
Beatrice: *to Ursula* You look like you've had a... um... rough night?
Ursula: Um...*fixing her hair* I was up late.
Leonato: Oh my daughter, my Hero. You look wonderful, dressed so fine! And soon two families will joined as one.
Antonio: Where is Claudio? Benedict have you seen him?
Benedict: Not since last night, he left for a walk with Don Pedro and never came back.
Hero: Beatrice? I'm... really nervous.
Beatrice: Be strong now cousin. Not much longer now.
Hero: You're my best friend, the closest thing to me besides Claudio...
Beatrice: And your mine.
Hero: I'm going to miss you.
Beatrice: Everyone on of us will miss you!
Antonio: It won't be the same that's for sure.
Leonato: Here comes Claudio and Don Pedro now.
[Enter Claudio and Don Pedro, both looking rather somber]Priest: Such days as this are not long forgotten.
Benedict: *aside* Something's not right, something's very wrong, I can tell by the looks on their faces. *Aloud* Claudio!
*Claudio looks at in a blank, emotionless stare, Benedict steps back, unnerved*
Priest: Shall we begin?
Leonato: Yes, father.
Priest: *insert a Jeff sermon here. During the speech, Benedict tries to speak with Claudio, but Claudio sends him away with an angry glare* If anyone has any reason as to why these two should not be wed, speak now or...
Claudio: *softly, but forcefully* I do.
Leonato: Claudio?
Claudio: I do.
Benedict: *concerned comes forward again and takes Claudio by the shoulders* Claudio, what is it what's wrong? Talk to me!
Claudio: I won't marry her, *he pushes Benedict away, Hero is confused and tries to reach out for him, but he moves away from her* That creature is a whore. *Everyone but Don Pedro is shocked* Yes, I spoke the truth, know it. She's been unfaithful, and never kept herself till she was married. *He is now almost tearful, trying desperately to keep himself together and is finding it hard to go on with his speech* Leonato, I know what your thinking. If it were me she was with, it could be forgiven because I was about to be her husband, but it wasn't me.
Benedict: You don't know what you're saying!
Claudio: I do! Don Pedro knows! He was there, he saw!
Don Pedro: *rather harshly* It's true, the woman's undone!
Hero: No! No, I'm wronged! Claudio... *he once more refuses her advance toward him* Oh Claudio... *she faints into Beatrice who has been consoling her*
Beatrice: Hero! Liars!! Look what you've done!
Leonato: Good Lord is she okay?
Beatrice: *frantic* I don't know! I can't feel a pulse! She's not breathing! Oh God she's dead!
Claudio: *cries out in sudden distress upon hearing those words, shocked and delirious he stumbles backward and falls to his knees*
Don Pedro: *distressed, urges Claudio up and leads him away* Come, come away, you're too trauma ridden for anymore.
[They exit]
Benedict: Someone get help!!
[Ursula runs off]
Antonio: Oh this is a horrible mistake! She's dead of broken heart!
Beatrice: Hero please, open your eyes. Speak to me!
Priest: *over-dramticly* Hero, please come back to us... open your eyes child.
Hero: I've been wronged...
*Everyone is ad-libbing relief*
Priest: Tell me, what is it that Claudio speaks of.
Hero: I know not. *With slight anger* I have done nothing wrong, I'm a pure girl who's done nothing but love her future husband! And I want me name cleared of this injustice!
Leonato: You say you're virtuous?
Hero: On my soul!
Benedict: This lady's been wronged!
Antonio: Well we're not doing any good standing around yelling about it.
Beatrice: Antonio's right, how can we prove this is false?
Leonato: Yes, we must prove it. I know in my heart that Hero is a good soul. But if it's true... it would break my heart.
Hero: *Firmly* I speak the truth.
Priest: I'm going to ask you all to listen to me. You all know Hero is very much alive, but Claudio and Don Pedro have left her for dead. And I know after one's death the truth about them always surfaces. So let us hold a funeral and let them think Hero is dead. You can hide her in the chambers of your house and Beatrice can bring her food. Then we shall out if Claudio and Don Pedro are honest or victims to some awful misunderstanding.
Leonato: A good idea. We'll prove Hero innocent or guilty.
Hero: I'm innocent, as I have always been. This is a horrible misunderstanding or a cruel joke and I intend to find out which!
Antonio: Come on Hero, we'll put you in your chambers and lock the way in. Leonato can say he boarded them up permanently in his grievance.
Leonato: A good plan, Antonio.
Priest: Let you go and settle Hero, I'll handle the funeral. I'm sure all you want to do right now is sleep.
Hero: Yes, maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare.
Leonato: Come daughter, let's get you to a bed, you need rest.
Beatrice: Do you want me to go with you?
Hero: *looks at Benedict who is standing near Beatrice, then looks at Beatrice* No, I would like to be alone for awhile. But please come see me later, my friend, I'll need your humor.
[Exit Hero, Leonato, Antonio and Priest]
Benedict: Are you okay?
Beatrice: No I'm not okay!
Benedict: Anything I can do?
Beatrice: Not really.
[Thick tension]
Benedict: At least let me try. *She only responds with a soft glance* *he takes a deep breath* I can't stand to see you like this. *She is dumbstruck* I love you too much to see you unhappy.
Beatrice: Why?
Benedict: Do I love you?
Beatrice: Yes.
Benedict: Dunno. *Pause* What do you think?
Beatrice: I think you're a bit out of luck. I don't love you; I'm also a liar.
Benedict: You do love me then?
Beatrice: Yes. But I think you're playing games with this Benedict.
Benedict: No, not at all. *Pauses again* I'll prove it to you, just tell me what I can do.
Beatrice: Anything at all?
Benedict: Whatever. Hell, I'd jump off a bridge if...
Beatrice: ... No, No, don't do anything like that.
Benedict: What then?
Beatrice: You really want to do something useful? Kill Claudio.
Benedict: *startled and unnerved* Kill Claudio? My best friend? Why? What's the point in that?
Beatrice: * furiously in a rush of tears* He's wronged my cousin! His lies have ruined her!
Benedict: *consoling her* Hush, don't cry.
Beatrice: She's been betrayed. Surely you see this?
Benedict: I know that already. Listen to me, you can't blame Claudio for this.
Beatrice: Then you did lie to me?
Benedict: *getting frustrated* No, I love you. *More calmly* And just to prove it, I won't hurt Claudio but I will restore Hero's good name.
Beatrice: That's fair.
Benedict: Will you be mine then?
Beatrice: Yes, once this is over. But not until then. I can't. My mind is to full. You do what you say you will, and then maybe I can admit how much I love you. I'm sorry Benedict, I really am.
[Exits]
Benedict: *trying to understand what the hell just happened* Okay then. Now I have a problem. It comes down to choosing between my best friend and something I vowed to never do. How can I choose between them?
[Exeunt]

Act 2 scene I: the confusing scene.
(The garden)

[Enter Leonato & Antonio from one side, Don Pedro consoling
Claudio from the other.]
Don Pedro: Oh Claudio you poor soul.
Antonio: He doesn't look so well.
Don Pedro: He's not. Hero's betrayal and then her death... I fear his sanity. Leonato you must believe we never thought it would come to this.
Leonato: You meant well but still, my most beloved, my only child is dead! Her name and mine have been scarred for all time and I'm left with no one to ease my only age. I would turn my thoughts to Beatrice as my niece, but she's not my Hero! And poor Beatrice has shut herself up in Hero's old rooms and mourns with Hero's ghost; she refuses to come out.
Claudio: Leonato I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. My darling Hero, I could have forgiven her! I could have and now she's gone.
Don Pedro: Claudio...
Claudio: And I've dishonored a good friend.
Leonato: You were in a rage my friend, you couldn't have possibly known...
Antonio: You can't fix it Claudio.
Claudio: I can. Leonato, with your permission, I would like to marry Beatrice.
Don Pedro, Leonato & Antonio: Say what?
Claudio: I will marry Beatrice. I am a Count, and by marrying Leonato's niece, who is her guardian, I restore his honor.
Antonio: And Benedict? What about our plan?
Don Pedro: I don't think that worked like we planned at all. He's become more silent then ever, I don't think he likes her. I'm sorry for that mistake as well.
Antonio: *aside to Leonato* But what about Hero?
Leonato: *aside returned* Play along for now, till we find out exactly who she was with or who Claudio mistook for Hero. Pretend to go ask Beatrice if she will marry Claudio, come back and say she consented. Maybe we can put more wood on the fire that way. Go now.
[Antonio exits]
Leonato: Antonio is going to talk to Beatrice. Claudio it would more than honor me to have you in my family.
Claudio: I would be honored to be in yours, Leonato.
[Re-enter Antonio]
Antonio: She consents to the offer, she said she'd do it for Hero, to honor her spirit.
Claudio: It's a done deal then.
Leonato: Come and we'll plan a wedding.
[Enter Don John and Borachio]
Leonato: *continued* And it shall be a bit of happiness in the death of Hero.
[Leonato, Claudio, Don Pedro and Antonio exit]
Don John: *elated* Oh this is wonderful Borachio!
Borachio: Whatever! This is horrible!
Don John: What do you mean?
Borachio: Yeah everyone's upset but no one was supposed to die! And I couldn't find that dress in my size.
Don John: You're getting soft, suck it up!
Borachio: No, screw this Don John. You weren't the one that caused Claudio to think Hero was cheating. It may have been your plan, but that was me they saw in the window. It was me! And I refuse to carry the guilt of killing an innocent girl!
Don John: *annoyed* Will you shut up. Now get yourself together, man! Come on.
[Exit]
Borachio: I won't do it. I can't be blamed. Now an innocent girl is about to be buried stained. How can I face myself? *Sighs* Hey! Don John, wait up!
[Exeunt]

Scene II: The garden scene. Okay so I use the garden a lot, but for some reason, this is the only one I call the garden scene... odd....
(The garden)

[Enter Benedict]
Benedict: *a bit nerve wracked, anxious and stress* Just calm down Benedict, chill out a bit. *He takes off his shirt and splashed water over his face* Just chill out for a few minutes. All you need is to just stop thinking about her.
[Enter Beatrice]
Beatrice: Oh Lord I'm sorry! *Turns away*
Benedict: *shocked by her sudden appearance* Beatrice? *Aside* So much for that plan.
Beatrice: I'm sorry, I'll just be going.
Benedict: It's okay, really. Please. *Pulls on his shirt*
Beatrice: *hesitant* What are you doing out here?
Benedict: *starts almost compulsively washing again* Clearing my head. I suppose I could ask the same of you.
Beatrice: Thinking.
Benedict: I see. *There's an awkward silent as he dries his face, then there is soft solo music* Oh, Balthizar must be playing Claudio to sleep again. He hasn't been well. How's Hero?
Beatrice: She's still pretty upset. Her name is still scarred; you've not kept your word.
Benedict: I'm working on it. Can I ask for a dance?
Beatrice: If it'll make you happy.
[They dance]
Benedict: *laughing* You remember, when were kids, and I put that snake in your bed?
Beatrice: Ha! You didn't realize I liked snakes. What about the time I pushed you into that water hole when you were catching frogs?
Benedict: I was going to go swimming anyway. I will keep my promise Beatrice; I will clear Hero's name.
Beatrice: At least I hope you will. Hope is a scary thing.
Benedict: Yeah.
Beatrice: I think I should be going.
Benedict: maybe.
Beatrice: I'll just... go, see how Hero is...
Benedict: *dully* You do that.
[Beatrice hesitates slightly, then runs off]
Benedict: Oh cruel love! Why do you mock Claudio and I!?

Scene III: Claudio vs. Benedict.
(It doesn't matter really, the garden, a room, whatever)

[Enter Don John and Claudio]
Don Pedro: You've done a good thing by trying to restore Leonato's honor.
Claudio: *sighs* It's the least I can do. I've ruined a good family.
[Enter Benedict, looking rather sickly]
Claudio: *instantly concerned* Oh Benedict! You look so ill! What's wrong?
Benedict: *coldly* Don't come near me.
Claudio: *shocked* Benedict? What's wrong?
Benedict: Tell me truth now Claudio, and you too Don Pedro, what did you see that made you think Hero wasn't faithful?
Don Pedro: *slightly confused by this change in Benedict* Why do you want to know Benedict?
Benedict: Because I think a good woman's been wronged.
Claudio: There must be more to it then that.
Benedict: That's all, a good lady is about to be buried with a scarred reputation.
Don Pedro: Your expression gives you away. What's this about Benedict?
Benedict: Tell me what you saw!
Don Pedro: *pushes Claudio back slightly* No Claudio, I'll tell him, it will only upset you. We were in the garden and Don John asked us to follow him. When the three of us looked up at Hero's window, there was a man, kissing a woman, calling her Hero.
Benedict: Don John? Don't you two know better then to trust Don John?
Claudio: *getting slightly angry* We saw what we saw.
Benedict: I wish I had been there, I seem to be the only one among all three of us who has the sense not to trust anything when it comes to love.
Claudio: *Furiously* Since when have you known anything about love Mr. I'll never marry or be a woman's fool? *Benedict swallows hard and Claudio picks up on the unspoken language* Good Lord, Benedict. You're in love aren't you? *No response*
Don Pedro: Claudio is right. You show it in your movements... your speech.
Benedict: Tell me, Claudio. Why?
Claudio: *with great emotion, anger and sadness* I don't know why! She hurt me! And God knows I loved her and He knows that this kills me! I wronged her and her family by saying what I saw, but I couldn't bare the thought of marring a woman who I knew would never even like me, little own love me. That's why I'm going to marry Beatrice
Benedict: *Like he's been struck, Claudio is stealing the love of his life right out from under him* Marry?... You're... your marrying Beatrice?
Claudio: Yes... to restore Hero's honor and maybe make myself a bit happier. She consented to it.
Benedict: *aside* Don't lose your head now Benedict. He doesn't know Hero's alive. Oh great now I really have to figure this out or I'll lose Beatrice forever.
Don Pedro: Benedict what's wrong?
Benedict: Sorry... that was a shock to me.
Don Pedro: At least Beatrice has warmed up to you lately. I was talking with her yesterday and she confessed you were the greatest man in all Italy.
Benedict: I'm sure. Who was the man you saw with Hero?
Claudio: *hesitantly* I don't know.
Benedict: *sensing the weakness and build confidence* Do you even know that it was Hero?
Don Pedro: The man called her Hero.
Benedict: Did you ever stop and think that Hero is also a word!?
Don Pedro: *now humbled* I suppose, but who else could it have been?
Benedict: Ursula stays in Hero's chambers, so do other handmaids.
Claudio: But how can we prove it?
Benedict: I think we should have a little chat with Don John's shadow companion.
Don Pedro: Borachio?
Benedict: Is that his name?
Claudio: If one of us talks to him, he'll know something's up.
Don Pedro: Antonio will do it, Borachio will trust him.
Benedict: A good idea.
Claudio: Benedict you look so ill, worst then a few minutes ago.
Benedict: *angry with himself for being so upset* I'm hurt, and you only hurt me more old friend.
Claudio: *already at his wits end with Hero, has about had enough of Benedict's insults* What do you mean? Since when have you ever been a romantic?
Benedict: *Redirects his anger at Claudio* Don't mock me.
Claudio: Why not? You've mocked me. So tell me Benedict, when do I get to hang that sign around your neck? Hmmm? Benedict, The married man?
Benedict: *now completely enraged at Claudio and just wanting to get back at him* At least I didn't murder my wife!!
[Claudio takes a good charge at Benedict and the two get into an all out brawl. Finally Don Pedro is able to pull them apart.]

Don Pedro: Now that's enough!!
Claudio: *He's a mess of tears and emotions* Oh Hero! I've wronged you... oh Hero... my darling Hero, how can I ever hope to be rid of your memory? Every time I'll look on Beatrice's face I'll see you! You haunt me at every turn! Please stop! Don't leave me here all alone.
Benedict: *over his anger and rather guilty* Claudio... look, I'm sorry, I was angry... I didn't mean it, it was just... I'm sorry. *He consoles Claudio, which Claudio is obviously happy for. *
Don Pedro: This love of yours has you in quite a trap Benedict, that you would hurt your best friend.
Benedict: I'm sorry alright! Let's just go find Antonio, okay?
Claudio: Yes, I want truth now, I crave it more then ever.
Don Pedro: *with a teasing smile* All right then, we'll pick up that sign on the way, Benedict: the married man. *Claudio finds this funny and laughs in spite of himself*
Benedict: *To Don Pedro* Shut-up you.
[Exeunt, Don Pedro teasing Benedict more and Claudio
Laughing.]

Scene IV: Hero's glory scene. (Just for you Emily)
(Hero's room)

[Enter Hero]
Hero: *gazing out the window, presumably at Claudio, careful not to let herself be seen* My Claudio, oh I miss you. And love you, but I should hate you, you've ruined me. But ironic love, I still love you. Benedict tells me that you cry for me, for everything that's happened. He say's you wish none of it had ever happened. I don't know what you saw, or what you thought, but I hope you know I was nothing but true to you.
[Enter Beatrice]
Hero: Beatrice your white as a ghost!
Beatrice: Really? Maybe soon I'll develop a ghost's vanishing ability too. That would be nice.
Hero: Your sardonic humor befalls you.
Beatrice: Hey. If I can't have beauty, I may as well make up for it in sarcasm.
Hero: Any news?
Beatrice: No Benedict won't speak to me for some reason. He just looks at me like a kicked puppy.
Hero: That's cute.
Beatrice: That's pathetic
Hero: You're so hung up on him.
Beatrice: Am not.
Hero: Are to.
Beatrice: Am not.
Hero: Are to.
*This leads into a rather childish argument. It ends with Beatrice throwing her arms up in defeat*
Hero: Ha!
Beatrice: This amuses you doesn't it?
Hero: Yes. After being cooped up for days with nothing but misery to keep you company any amusement is a wonderful thing.
Beatrice: So I suppose that means you want me to do a stand-up comedy instead of cross-stitch with you.
Hero: Your sharp. *Happens to glance out the window* Come look at this.
Beatrice: That's odd. What's your father doing?
Hero: Talking with Antonio I think.
Beatrice: Nether of them look too happy about what Antonio is saying.
Hero: Hey, here comes Benedict, who's he got dragging with him?
Beatrice: I dunno, but Uncle Leonato doesn't look to impressed with whoever it is.
Hero: Their all coming inside.
Beatrice: That was amusing, wonder what it was about.
Hero: God only knows. You know what I wish I had now?
Beatrice: What? My stand up comedy?
Hero: I have your sarcasm and that's quite enough.
Beatrice: What then?
Hero: I want a miracle. Someone to run up those stairs, grab my hands and tell me they've found a reason for these misunderstanding. They'd just run into the room and yell...
[Offstage: Antonio: Hero!]
Hero: Well, wasn't that just perfectly timed.
[Enter Leonato, Antonio and Benedict dragging Borachio]
Antonio: Hero! We have good news!
Hero: Speak!
Leonato: Hero it's all been confessed it was a horrible trick like you said.
Benedict: *pushes a rather shaken Borachio forward* All confessed by this little troublemaker.
Borachio: Your alive?
Hero: Very much so.
Borachio: But, but... how?
Hero: It was a clever plan to catch the one who set me up and apparently it worked quite well
Borachio: Look I'm sorry! You know that old saying: Pay a man enough and he'll walk barefoot into hell? Well I skipped there naked.
Antonio: That was an image I could have lived without.
Borachio: Look, I didn't think anyone would die over this. But then again I guess you're not dead, so I'll just be going now...
Hero: Hold on, your not going anywhere.
Borachio: Eeep. Please don't hurt me, I was put up to it I swear!
Leonato: By who?
Benedict: Who else?
Borachio: Don John.
[From offstage: Don John: Snitch!]
Benedict: Do I have to say I told you so?
Beatrice: Well there's that heartburn again.
Antonio: What I want to know is who was the girl Claudio and Don Pedro saw?
Borachio: Ursula.
Antonio: Ursula? Ursula would betray Hero?
Borachio: Oh no! No, no! She didn't know, I tricked her so don't blame my Ursula. It was my fault and mine alone. She didn't have a clue what I was doing. It was all me.
Leonato: Well don't have a heart attack!
Borachio: Look, I'm really sorry, but I should be going...
Hero: I know you're sorry but that's not the point. You've ruined people's lives. How much could he have possibly paid you?
Borachio: A thousand bucks.
Hero: Okay... that's a lot of money... but still!
Borachio: Look, I'm a troublemaker, it's what I do, but I never thought I'd kill someone. And I swear to God it was Don John's plan.
[From offstage: Don John: Double-crosser!]
Beatrice: Let's get the bastard.
Antonio: *looking out the window* Easier said then done, Isn't that him running away from the house now?
Borachio: Yup, that's him. Hey Don John!
[From offstage: Don John: Two-timing son of a... mmmm! Cake!]
Borachio: I kinda get the feeling he doesn't like me now.
Leonato: The devil is traveling Venice, how amusing.
Benedict: What will we do with Borachio here? I think this is up to you, Hero.
Hero: I won't blame him totally for what happened but I will make the best of it. I think a bit of hard labor should cover it.
Borachio: Doing what?
Hero: Getting rid of that window.
Borachio: Works for me.
Hero: Benedict?
Benedict: Yes?
Hero: Take our friend here to Don Pedro and Claudio. Tell them about Don John's plot and then come tell me Claudio's reaction but don't let them know I'm alive just yet.
Benedict: Sure. *Looks at Beatrice* I'll tell him his new fiancée sent me.
[Exits dragging Borachio]
Beatrice: What did he mean by that?
*Leonato and Antonio exchange a glance*
Hero: *noticing* Yes father, what did he mean?
Leonato: I sort of...
Hero: Yes?
Antonio: *quickly* he told Claudio he could marry Beatrice in your place.
Hero & Beatrice: What?!
Leonato: I thought it would bring out some truth!
Beatrice: Oh great. So that's why Benedict stopped talking to me.
Leonato: But this now mess is cleared up right? Hero can come out of hiding?
Hero: Not while Claudio thinks he's marrying Beatrice. He won't go back on his word.
Beatrice: Well thank you for messing up my plans!
Hero: We'll fix it Beatrice, why are you so upset?
Beatrice: I don't want to marry Claudio is all.
Hero: In any case I have an idea.
[Exeunt]

Scene V: The last wedding / The final scene.
(The church)

[Enter rather solemnly Don Pedro, Benedict, Priest and Claudio]
Priest: *aside* I wonder how this mess will clear itself up.
Don Pedro: Cheer up Claudio. Marring Beatrice won't be so bad.
Claudio: It's not that. She's not Hero. And I feel worst then ever. I damned and killed an innocent girl.
Don Pedro: You didn't know Claudio! *Don Pedro continues to try to talk to Claudio, but Claudio moves away*
Benedict: May I speak with you father?
Priest: Yes my son.
Benedict: Do you think you can lone me your services?
Priest: What for?
Benedict: I want to be married. But I'm not sure I'll get the chance again.
Priest: Why?
Benedict: She's about to marry Claudio, and I don't know what Hero will do about it.
Priest: I see. *Claudio starts to listen* You really want to marry her don't you?
Benedict: Yes.
Claudio: I knew it! You're in love! Ha! I think I'll make that sign for you tonight "Here is Benedict! The married man!"
Benedict: *rather angry* Drop it already! I'm sorry I ever said that.
Don Pedro: Whatever happened to all men who marry are fools?
Benedict: Think about who you're talking to, I can be the biggest fool on Earth when I want to.
Don Pedro: I've also known you to be one of the wisest men on Earth.
Benedict: I've thrown reason to the dogs.
Claudio: Don't sound so angry, it's not that bad. At least the love of your life isn't impossible to have.
Benedict: I'll take bets on that.
Priest: Ahh, here's our bride.
[Enter Leonato and Antonio, with 3 vailed women]
Claudio: So this is how my love life ends, in mercy for a friend and guilty for a death.
[One of the women comes up and takes his arm]
Claudio: Beatrice, I'm sorry about all of this.
[She nods a response and puts a finger to his lips for silence and comfort]
Benedict: Damn it all. *He had pulled out a piece of paper and starts to read it solemnly*
Leonato: Let us proceed father.
Claudio: Yes. *He and the woman stand before the priest*
Priest: *put another Jeff sermon here* Has anyone have reason as to why these two should not be wed?
Antonio: I do!
Priest: That's wonderful. Now,
Antonio: Hey!
Priest: What do you want?!
Antonio: They can't get married without rings!
Priest: Who cares? We'll make an exception! Now does anyone new have an objection?
Benedict: I do, but I won't stop this with one of my rants. *He crumples the paper and throws it on the floor*
Don Pedro: Benedict... *he picks up the paper and reads it, his face fades to shock as the Priest continues*
Priest: Claudio, will you take this woman to be your wife?
Claudio: *Sighs distantly* I do.
Priest: And do you ma'am, take Claudio as your husband?
[She nods]
Priest: Then I pronounce you husband and wife. Kiss your bride.
Claudio: *lifting the veil* I only wish you were... Hero?! *He jumps back shocked*
Don Pedro: What is it?
Claudio: Who? Who are you? *She laughs lightly and Claudio push back the veil quickly and lets out a cry of shock and fear* Hero? Hero, My Hero?
Hero: Your Hero, your wife.
*Claudio laughs and hugs her tightly. *
Don Pedro: * in shock* How can this be?
Priest: It was a rather clever plan to clear Hero's good name.
Don Pedro: It worked wonderfully well. Everything is wonderful again.
Claudio: Yes. It's all wonderful!
Hero: It's perfect.
Benedict: But if that's Hero, where's Beatrice?
Beatrice: *lifts her veil* I'm here.
*Ursula takes off her veil as well*
Benedict: Oh. I see now.
Priest: So Benedict, about that wedding you wanted...
Leonato: Oh? Benedict wants a wedding?
Don Pedro: *in a knowing way* To who?
Benedict: Ummm...
Don Pedro: *in the same tone* Beatrice do you know?
Benedict: No, you have it wrong.
Beatrice: What? You think I'm going to marry him? Whoa, do you have things screwed up.
Don Pedro: Do I?
Benedict: Yes.
Hero: *Amused* What's the matter Beatrice? Cat got your tongue?
Beatrice: No...
Hero: You have nothing to say?
Beatrice: No.
Leonato: *smirking* I think she's sick.
Antonio: Lovesick.
Beatrice: Am not!
Hero: Then what's this? *She snatches a paper from Beatrice*
Beatrice: Hey! Give that back!
Hero: *reading aloud in a mocking way as Beatrice chases her* "To my most darling Benedict..."
Beatrice: No fair! Cut it out!
Hero: "How badly feel for what I've done to you my love!" *She laughs*
Beatrice: *panicked* Give it back!
Don Pedro: *smirking* Don't feel bad Beatrice. Benedict is just as guilty.
Benedict: I don't know what you're talking about.
Don Pedro: Oh? *He holds up the letter Benedict had thrown away* Then this is nothing? I can read it out loud?
Benedict: Let's not be too hasty, maybe I'll just...
Don Pedro: Oh no, it's okay, I'll read it "Darling Beatrice, how do I begin to... "
Benedict: *Gives Don Pedro a good shove and grabs the letter* Okay that's enough.
*Don Pedro only finds Benedict's actions funny*
Leonato: Well apparently Don Pedro's plan succeeded after all.
Claudio: I guess we were convincing actors after all.
Benedict: *in his normal sardonic humor way* I suppose so.
Priest: So shall I book another wedding for next week?
Benedict: *Still being his normal self* Well, since she's so love struck, I suppose I can marry her out of pity.
Don Pedro: Pity my ass.
Priest: Beatrice?
Beatrice: *in her normal way* Since he's so intent on it.
Hero: I don't think he's the only one.
Beatrice: Bite me.
Priest: Okay then, another wedding needs to be planned.
[He exits]
Beatrice: What a fine mess you've gotten us into!
Benedict: Me?!
Beatrice: Yes you! You just had to go and write that and talk to the Priest about...
Benedict: ...At least now I can shut you up the right way *he swings her up into his arms and kisses her, just for you Ben and Emily (and myself as well)*
Don Pedro: Now isn't that a picture.
Antonio: *sarcastically* A regular Kodak moment.
Benedict: Well that works well.
Beatrice: Umm... It's awful high up here....
Leonato: Well All's well that ends well.
Antonio: That's a good title for a story.
Claudio: So, Benedict: The married man when can I give you that sign?
Benedict: *sarcastically* Tomorrow good for you?
Claudio: Works for me.
Benedict: Tomorrow you can call me Benedict the married man if it'll make you drop the subject.
Claudio: All right, Benedict, the...
Benedict: I said tomorrow! Drop it already!
Claudio: *laughs*
Antonio: What happened to Don John anyway?
Leonato: Do you really want to know?
[Offstage: Don John: Okay Borachio, remember once you cut the rope to be at the bottom to catch me. Ahhhhh!!!! *why bother writing the rest? Jeremy, Jeff you can work this out how you like it :)]
[Everyone starts to exit]
Antonio: Well this was just a pointless bunch of misunderstandings and exaggerations, wasn't it?
Claudio: A regular soap opera.
Don Pedro: Sadly. Just much ado about nothing.
[Exeunt]

{End}