DISCLAIMER: J.K.R owns Harry Potter and co. The characters found in the story are the rightful intellectual property of the author. The story line belongs to the author(me!) . =p
WARNING: This story contains slash themes that are not suitable to all. Please be advised that if this is not your cup of tea your free to leave.
Passions, Wishes and Desires
By Moira
Satiated, I rested my head on my lover's chest listening to his methodical heartbeat. I don't want this to end. I want this to last forever. I could sense his fear and worry about tomorrow.
Tomorrow. It seemed so near yet so far away. Everything will be different after that...I just wish...
"James?" I asked tentatively. My lover who seemed to be asleep suddenly opened his eyes and looked at me. He looked so beautiful especially his eyes. I couldn't resist and I gave him another kiss in his mouth, which he gladly accepted. He tasted like vanilla mixed with something else I couldn't define. I considered carefully what to say to him making sure that he understood perfectly.
Oh James this can't be happening! I can't allow it to happen...
"Remus, what's wrong?" he asked me with a concerned look on his face.
Oh god, he knows me so well and I thought I could hide my feelings from him!
He pulled me up so that we were face to face. Trying to avoid any eye contact, I leaned on his firm shoulder and tried to control myself with the emotions that were building up inside of me. My lover touched my face gently.
"Please look at me. I can't stand it when you're not open to me. Just let it out," he said in the tenderest voice I've ever heard from him.
I finally looked at him. I tried to memorize each line and crease on his face knowing that this was going to be the last time that I would be this close to him. I gave him a faint smile and took a deep breath.
Please don't be mad at me.
"How can I say this lightly to you? Ever since that night in the Gryffindor common room when I, I mean we...anyway, we've grown quite attached to each other as you can clearly tell..." But before I could finish what I was saying he placed his finger on my lips to silence me. I could tell that he was uncomfortable with the topic. He looked into my eyes and I noticed his sad face.
"Don't. We mustn't go there, " he told me.
" We can't ignore it any longer!" I told him. Was this just a fling to him? He looked at me once I said this and I saw that he flinched but just for a second. I leaned once more on his shoulder and I let him caress my hair.
"Let's just forget about it ok?" he whispered to my ear. But I couldn't.
I'll never forget.
I was about to say those words to him but he took me in his arm for a passionate kiss. I surrendered in his embrace and I felt his mouth trail down my neck towards my chest. I groaned when he teased my nipples with his tongue. He moved down expertly and finally reached his destination. But before he continued he stole a look at me that made me shudder and realize that maybe this whole thing meant something more to him. Was it longing in his eyes? It was gone in a flash. He started stroking gently at first and then took me in his mouth. I stiffened and grasped his head as his hot tongue explored every inch of me. "James..." I said huskily. But before I reached my exhilaration point, he took his mouth away I groaned at him for doing that. He was glowering and he had a grin on his face. He kissed me and I tasted my own juices from the kiss. I ended our kiss almost immediately.
"It's my turn now," I told him. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I was never this demanding but seeing that this was going to be the last time for us I had to go all out. I took control and touched his erection slowly at first and then speeding up. I could hear him panting slightly. I gently kissed him on the lips and worked my way down...I took him in my mouth and started to suck every little detail of it. I could feel his body tensing and growing stiff. I enjoyed every moment of it. But all too soon he came inside my mouth and I tasted every single juice that was released. After a few seconds, I came right after him and I groaned loudly. Climbing back up I positioned myself to give James a long and passionate kiss. I didn't want to let him go just then. Being in his arms seemed so right and felt so good. When we broke off from our kiss we were both panting and happy at the same time. I leaned again on his shoulder and nuzzled myself closer. I entwined my hand on his and wished for this moment to last a bit longer. If only this can last forever...
I'm in love with you James. Well, I think I am. Do I really love you or is it just purely a lust driven relationship? Wait a minute this is all wrong! Tomorrow you will be walking down the aisle with the woman you love. But I'm scared too. I don't know if I can go on without you by my side.
" I don't want to lose you," I said out loud almost whispering. I squeezed James' hand hard. I could tell that James heard me say that so I dared to look up at him.
"Remus...I don't want to lose you too," he told me. He gave me an assuring smile.
"...as a friend," he added a few seconds later. I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks once he had said this.
________________
I lay there beside him and closed my eyes. I didn't want him to see my tears. I was ashamed of myself for breaking down so easily. I recalled the events that had transpired two years ago that eventually led to this very day. Lily and James weren't a couple yet and everything was going perfectly for me not until...no Remus! You are not going to think about that! Not now when everything is just *perfect*. But I can't stop thinking about it. How can something so innocent and innocuous lead to something full of sorrow and remorse? I shouldn't have let Sirius get to me. I shouldn't have agreed on doing it. It would have been a lot less complicated if I didn't. I let out a deep sigh as I tried to relax myself. Sleep that's what I need, a peaceful and quiet sleep....
_____________
The Gryffindor common room was quiet that night. It was just the beginning of the semester and Padfoot and I were sitting lazily in the couch trying to finish our homework. Being in our fifth year, we had a lot more work to do because our O.W.L exams were just around the corner. Padfoot was nearing tears because of the boredom and finally gave up trying to solve a rather difficult Arthimancy problem. He shut the book and placed it hard on the table with a loud thud that gave me a start. He gave me an innocent look and I rolled my eyes at him with annoyance.
"I just had an idea," Padfoot told me.
"Oh no, that can't be a good sign. I know you too well Sirius," I said in a warning tone.
"Actually, I think this is the greatest idea I have thought of as of yet, " Sirius said ignoring his best friends' comment.
"Whatever it is I don't want to hear it," I told him getting back to my reading.
"Oh come on! Hear me out for a second will ya? It's going to be great, fun and interesting, " he told me giving me a sly grin.
"I told you! I don't want to be part of any 'plan' of yours." I went back to my reading of the dangers of using muggle objects in the Wizarding world.
//...another example of this effect is the microwave. Muggles use this device for food heating and baking purposes. A microwave emits a short electromagnetic wave with a very high frequency range. When this device is used in a magical environment this can cause the weakening of the spells that was cast in the area not to mention...//
"...we can ask Lily, Melissa, James, Amos and even Peter to join!" he continued.
"Huh? What did you say?" I looked up from my book to see Sirius standing beside the fireplace looking very excited about something.
"I said that we can ask James and the others if they want to join in. Aren't you even listening?" Sirius asked.
"I am listening Padfoot. I'm just not interested count me out," I told him.
"Why not?"
"Sirius, I'm really tired. I don't think I can stay up any longer. I'm going to bed. Anyway instead of gathering the gang together for a midnight bash, I suggest that you study for our quiz tomorrow. We do have a long quiz tomorrow in Muggle Studies. You do know that don't you?" I wasn't lying. I didn't realize that I was so tired.
Sirius surprised me by chuckling to himself and slapping me in the back. I had expected him to convince me to stay or at least look hurt.
"That's why Moony my 'ol pal you were elected to become a Prefect! You are indeed a person with good morals. I bow down to you, " Sirius told me. He then got down on his knees and started kissing the hem of my robes.
"Ewww... Get up! You're embarrassing me in front of all these people." I backed away from him.
"...and get that silly grin off your face! It's not funny!" I told him once he got back up.
"Hey! I was just kidding around. Where's your sense of humor?"
"Goodnight Sirius." *coughjackasscough*
"I heard that!"
___________
I woke to the sounds of laughter and shouting coming from the common room. I groaned aloud and tried to muffle the noises by putting my head under my pillow but to no avail. I knew I had to do something before the Head of the House wakes up and starts giving detentions and deducting points from Gryffindor. I marched down the stairs out of the boy's dormitory and walked towards the common room. I wasn't surprised at all to see that my best friends were the cause of the disturbance. I could see Sirius, James, Melissa, Amos, Lily and Peter all huddled together in front of the fire. James and Sirius seemed to be in the midst of a conversation. James was shaking his head while Sirius was trying to convince him to do something. They hadn't seen me yet so I decided to surprise them. I crept quietly towards them but Sirius saw me first and waved at me to come forward. I was caught.
"Remus! What a surprise! James wanted to tell you something," my friend called out. I could hear the laughter of the others once he had said this.
"Padfoot! Do you have any idea what time it is?" I asked him.
"Umm...2'o clock? "
"What exactly are you guys doing? People are trying to sleep for godsake!" I knew that I shouldn't be angry with them after all they were my friends. But I was groggy from being woken up at such an ungodly hour.
"Come on were your friends lighten up! Anyway as I was saying...James?" Sirius prompted.
I knew at once that something was going on. I looked at Prongs and I noticed that he was blushing a bit.
"We'll leave you guys alone for awhile," Sirius told both of us winking at James.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked them. Something fishy I expected. But Sirius didn't answer my question instead he spoke to James.
"Good luck!"
"Peter..." I started to say. Whatever was going on I knew that I had to find out. He just looked at me and shrugged. Before I could say anymore they all went out of the common room giggling and James and I were left behind.
____________
"What was that all about?" I asked. I tried looking at James but he was looking down at his feet.
"What's wrong?" I asked him again. He finally looked up at me.
"Oh...umm nothing. It's just that we were playing Wizard Truth or Dare...and umm..." He looked down at his feet again.
"And?" I prompted.
"Well...Sirius he asked well no, actually dared me to...umm,"
"Dared you to what?" I asked now a little bit annoyed. I wanted him to stop stammering. I gently placed my hand on his chin and lifted his head up.
"You know, for being one of the smartest people in our batch you couldn't put two words together. Whatever it is I'm sure it's not that bad. I'm listening."
What I saw in his eyes shocked me. His face was mixed with expressions of confusion, nervousness and worry. Before I could react however he leaned closer until we were just a few inches away.
"James what..." he pressed his lips unto mine. I admit that I was shocked at first. I never kissed anyone before especially with someone who had the same gender as me. But surprisingly I enjoyed the feeling of his soft lips touching my own. It was like a hidden desire I had that suddenly wanted to rise.
I pulled back. "Wait! Wait!" I didn't know how to react to this sudden reaction. I saw James and he had the same confusion and disbelief in his face that I was feeling.
"What just happened?" I asked trying not to raise my voice. I was angry...angry with James for accepting a stupid dare.
"It's kind of obvious what happened," James told me.
"I bloody hell know that! Just...just stay away from me!" I rarely lost control but this was too much for me to handle. On one hand I felt disgusted and ashamed of myself on the other hand, I wanted the moment not to end.
"Remus..." he started to say. I never heard what he had to say because I was already running towards the dormitory.
____________
The following day I purposely slept longer than I usually do. Just the thought of seeing James at breakfast in the Great Hall made me feel queasy. Neither did I want to see and especially talk to Sirius after what had happened. Seeing that I was already late for breakfast, I hurriedly got dressed and got the books for my first class, which was Potions. Unfortunately, when I arrived at the dungeons I wasn't the only one there.
"A little early are we?" a voice drawled. It belonged to someone who was sly and cunning more like...
"Snape. I should have known. Can't you for once mind your own business?" The last thing that I needed now was Snape's insults to further worsen my already bad day. He was seated at the front facing the teacher's desk looking slimy and greasy as ever.
" I don't see anything wrong with that. What's wrong with asking an innocent question?" Snape told me giving me a smile.
Ignore him. Just ignore him.
I walked to a table farthest away from Snape and sat down. You're doing well so far. Keep it up.
"Well..." Snape said out loud, "I should have expected you're here this early to gain some extra points to your already perfect grade."
Ignore him…Ignore him...Ignore him...No, wait!
I could have hexed him right there if it weren't for the Professor who entered the room just in the nick of time. Students from both Gryffindor and Slytherin followed right after. I spotted James looking at my direction he gave me a faint smile and then whispered something in Sirius' ear. Peter was just standing right behind them oblivious to what was going on.
"Hey Peter! Do you want to sit with me?" I called out. If my sudden outburst surprised Peter and the others they didn't seem to show any expression. I usually sat with Sirius during Potions and we were inseparable.
"Yeah sure. Whatever," he said and sat opposite to me.
Once Peter was seated beside me I knew that the inevitable question was about to be asked. After a moment of silence Peter spoke.
"So tell me what happened last night?" Peter asked while we were grinding some ram horns for the potion we were asked to brew.
"I don't want to talk about it," I told him. I must have said it in a sharp tone because Peter didn't pursue further on the subject.
"So," Peter said after a few minutes had lapsed, "are you coming tonight?"
"What's tonight?" I asked.
"It's Thursday today don't you remember?"
"Oh yeah." How could I even forget? Tonight will be another Animagi training session for Peter. Sirius and James will be there to help. James...
"I don't know if I can go. I have a lot of things to do," I told him. I could feel Peter's calculating gaze at me.
"Is there a reason why you're avoiding James?" he asked me.
"Oh don't act so stupid! You were there last night!" I said raising my voice.
"What do you mean by last---Oh! You meant the dare!" Peter said as if it was a normal thing.
"Yes the dare."
"Well I don't know what you're so mad about," Peter told me shrugging his shoulders.
"You guys are sick do you know that?" I said out loud hoping that James and Sirius who was sitting two rows in front of us would hear me. Unfortunately Professor Tavi also heard my outburst and gave me a glare.
"Mr. Lupin. I'm surprised at your behavior! If you could kindly reserve that sort of outburst outside of my classroom I would gladly appreciate it. Ten points off Gryffindor for disruption of my class." Snickers of the Slytherins could be heard in the room but was immediately shushed by Professor Tavi.
"Back to work! Unless of course the Slytherins also want a share of the deduction added to their house," Professor Tavi told them.
No one spoke after that. The end of the period came and I was more than ready to get out of the room. Noticing the glares of my fellow Gryffindors, I cast my glance away and hurriedly walked out of the classroom out of harms way. The only goal in my mind was to reach my next class and that no one would stop me.
__________
I avoided James, Sirius and Peter the whole day, which was very hard for me to do because we all had the same class schedules. They even tried to talk to me but I just stared at their direction as if they weren't there and I completely ignored their presence. I was being hard headed and I knew that. It wasn't one of my well-known characteristics but when it does pop up once in a blue moon it's hard for me to let go of it. All I wanted was for them to learn a lesson nothing else. Time passed so swiftly that before I knew it, it was already time for dinner. I sat at the farthest end of the Gryffindor table hoping that James and the others would take the hint once and for all. Finally, I saw the three of them walk towards the table and sat down at the other end, their eyes fixed on everyone else except me. I pretended to eat casually and talked a bit to Matthew Johnson a fellow fifth year. As I did just that I stole a glance at their direction and saw that they were acting normally. Sirius was joking around with the third year, Erick Matheson. Peter was eating so ravenously he looked like he hadn't eaten for months and James what was he doing? He was staring into space and he looked like he was in deep concentration. I was about to turn away but he looked at me and I felt a shiver run down my entire body. I didn't know why but it felt like the static electricity that happens when two people bump into each other. I didn't know if he felt it too but right at that moment one of the school barn owls fluttered towards the Gryffindor table searching for its recipient. All eyes were on the single owl and all wondered who was it for. After a few dizzy rounds, it landed on my plate splattering its contents consisting of mashed potato and roast beef on my robes.
"Stupid owl," I muttered and cleaned the mess out of my robes using my wand. I took out the parchment from his feet and wondered who in the world would send me an owl at this time.
Dear Remus,
I know why you're avoiding me and it hurts me to think that you would not even let me explain. But I don't know why you have to avoid Sirius and Peter as well don't make them a part of this. I don't want this to destroy our friendship. I know that nothing I can say in one roll of parchment can explain to you what I feel right now. If you have it in your heart to meet me at the Astronomy tower at around 1am tonight I will be there. Although it would be much better if you could join us for Peter's training. I spoke to Peter about that and he told Sirius and I that you're not planning to come. It's still your decision. If you want to talk about it meet me later at the tower. Remus-----I'm really sorry.
James
____________
I read the letter again trying to let the meaning of the words sink in. I must have been sitting there for quite some time because I didn't realize that I was the only one left sitting in the table, food left forgotten. What am I doing? I shouldn't be acting like this! James is my friend for crying out loud! I'm just being an immature git. I should be able to talk to James about this. Hopefully, he'll be able to forgive me for acting so selfish. I got up from the now empty Gryffindor table and proceeded to the dorm. I knew that James and Sirius were somewhere in an unused classroom presumably, teaching Peter to transform. James and Sirius had perfected their Animagus training last year, which wasn't that at all surprising since both Sirius and James were considered to be one of the brightest in their house. They had all agreed that they would do the difficult task of becoming Animagi once they found out about my being a werewolf. Of course, I didn't want them to take such a great risk in doing such a thing but once Sirius set his mind into something he was unstoppable to the end. It was highly illegal for a witch or wizard to practice to become an Animagus without first approaching the Ministry with a valid reason. You will need a special permission from the Ministry to do so. Considering that they were minors even made it worse, and if someone would find out, then they were not only in for expulsion but they could face some grave charges from the Ministry.
Looking back now to that second year when they discovered where I went every full moon a lot has changed in the process our friendship bond became even more strong than ever. There are practically no more secrets left to hide and I'll be damned if I would lose the bond that was made over some little incident that I don't even know why I'm so mad about. I have to talk to James alone. I shouldn't disturb them, not right now anyway. I'll wait.
______________
The Astronomy tower that night was colder than usual. As I climbed up the steps, I could feel the cold breeze hitting my face and I wrapped my robe tightly around my body. The Astronomy tower was the highest point in Hogwarts and you could see everything from miles away. Ten minutes to 1:00 a.m. I looked out the window and I could see the outline of the trees forming the Forbidden Forest. I particularly stole a look at the Whomping Willow. Memories of those nights during the full moon in my first year filled my mind. Madame Pomfrey brought me regularly to the Whomping Willow during my change. Only three people knew of my secret Madame Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore. It was a heavily guarded secret that not all the staff knew about. If it weren't for Dumbledore I wouldn't be in this school at all. My parents were students of Dumbledore when he was still a Transfiguration teacher and eventually they became good friends. It was a stroke of luck that during my first year Professor Dumbledore was promoted from a Professor to the Headmaster of the school. He was recommended by the former Headmaster Dippet and was voted unanimously by the staff to be the next Headmaster of Hogwarts. Dumbledore allowed...no that wasn't the right word for it...*wanted* me to study here despite my ahh...being a little different from the rest. Dumbledore and my parents arrived with an agreement that I would be able to study in Hogwarts provided that I would be out of school grounds during the change, thus the Whomping Willow was founded.
I could remember those nights locked up in the Shrieking Shack all alone. I remembered the pain and the agony of the transformation. I would grab hold at anything I could get my hands on and tried not to scream as I felt my body expanding and growing all over. The wolf in me would not be shunned in the background at every full moon. It was his moment to shine after all the days he was hidden inside of me. I should have gotten used to the change by now. But every month it was like a new sensation that filled my body over and over again never getting old. It was during these times that I felt utterly alone. Sirius, James and Peter didn't know at first why I mysteriously disappeared once a night every month. But it didn't take them too long for them to realize the reason and when they did they did the right thing to confront me. Then James came up with an idea of becoming animals themselves in order to accompany me during my change, thus began the Animagi training that included nightly trips to the library in the restricted section (with the help of James' invisibility cloak), loads of research work and sleepless nights. But I guess it all paid off...
At that moment I heard a sound that sounded like a creak in the stairs then footsteps. I quickly looked around for a hiding place thinking that it was a Professor who saw me going up to the tower from the dormitory. Then James appeared out of thin air looking if somewhat happy. He had grin on his face.
"James! You scared me half to death!" I told him.
"Oh, sorry! The look on your face was priceless," James said to me trying to stifle a laugh.
"I take it all went well?" I inquired.
"More than well! I think that this calls for a celebration. Peter has finally done it!" he told me.
I couldn't help smiling myself but then stopped immediately once I realized what the implication of this was.
"Are you sure you guys are up to this? I think you've done enough for me already. I don't want you, Sirius or Peter taking unnecessary chances," I told him. James was barely a few inches away from me now and he was also looking out the window into the blackness of the night. There were no stars that were shining and it looked like a storm was brewing.
"We all have to take chances every now and then," he said in a subdued voice. I turned my attention from the forest and concentrated on what James said instead.
"James..." I started to say and then stopped. I knew that I had rehearsed what I was going to tell him a few hours ago while I was mulling in bed, but it all slipped from my mind once I tried to say it.
"Let me explain first," James said now turning to look at me.
"No, let me start," I held up my hand to him so that he won't interrupt.
"I don't know what had gotten into me. I feel stupid and ashamed of myself for acting the way I did towards you, Sirius and even Peter. It was very childish of me. But anyway, I'm really sorry for what I did. Please I hope you'll understand. I was just...just confused and well, unsure. It's not really the eloquent speech I've practiced awhile ago but it will do," I told him trying to lighten up the conversation.
James was still looking at me intently seemingly unfazed. "Oh I see," he said after a few seconds.
"Is that it?" I asked. I had expected more from James. I heard him take an intake of breath.
"Remus," he said in a tone that made me shiver like that instance I felt in the Great Hall.
"You never did know what the dare was about, didn't you?" he continued on.
What is he talking about?
"What do you mean?" I asked.
He gave me an appraising look and said, "Of all the people I know I think you should get this one right." I looked at him again searching his eyes for any hint.
"Ok. Give me a hint. Although, I don't see the point of your question," I said after a few seconds of deep thinking. This time he laughed breaking the tension that was surrounding the area and then immediately turned serious once again.
"That's what I love about you Moony, you have a sense of humor even though you don't realize it. Not to mention you can be naïve sometimes."
"Is that good or bad?"
"Hmm…in your case I think it's both."
"Okay that's good. Now I'm at a loss, what was your question again?" James didn't answer at once but instead became silent again. I raised an eyebrow at him and he seemed to get the message.
"I'm sorry for not being truthful," he started to say. Now I really don't get it.
"Now, what is this all about? This is getting confusing," I said.
"I'm getting there. Please, just don't interrupt me. Okay?" I nodded in agreement.
"That night in the common room when Sirius told me about what I was going to do. I decided to just get over with it. It was really simple really I was to tell something about me to you that no one knows about except me."
It took me a few seconds for the words to sink in on me and then I finally realized the impact of what he said.
"And the kiss?" I asked dreading the answer.
"It was a last minute thing. I planned it but Sirius and the others don't know about it."
"Oh."
It all makes sense now. I think. When James, Sirius and Peter found out about my secret, they didn't know how to respond to me at first. It was James who was the first one to comfort me and told me that everything will be okay and that he would accept me for who I am. Sirius was next and he told me straight out that nothing will ever break our friendship. Peter was hesitant at first but not really afraid of me. But it all worked out in the end. After the secret was out, James and I grew even closer through the years and I always was thankful for that. We were so close that there were only a few secrets left between the both of us. He usually was the one who could understand what I was going through and would comfort me every time I got a little over dramatic.
"I'm sorry Remus. I know I should have told you before but I was embarrassed at the same time," he said. He kept his gaze at his feet probably afraid of what my reaction would be.
"You don't have to be embarrassed about anything," I told him, lifting his head up and staring directly at his black eyes. I planted a kiss firmly on his lips and felt him responding back. Feelings of confusion and doubt left my mind as an understanding between us was made that no words could express. After what seemed like an eternity, we stopped to catch our breath, breathing rapidly. I wrapped my arms around him taking comfort in his warm body so close to mine. He leaned towards my embrace and rested his head on my shoulder. I heard him sigh and whisper to my ear, "I love you Remus."
And that was the beginning. Too bad it wouldn't last for long.
____________
I woke up in the four-poster bed alone. It was just two years ago and yet how could it feel like an eternity had passed? I sighed out loud. James must have left early, probably to get ready for his wedding with Lily. I should get ready as well. I felt the rumpled and disarray sheets beside me and remembered all those nights that we used to lie here and make love all night. It was our secret place and not even Sirius knew about it. No one knew about us at all. I never did really understand why we didn't tell Sirius and Peter straight off about us. Was it just fear of rejection or something else entirely? Maybe we just felt that it was just a phase and it wouldn't last.
We found this place by chance in one of our nightly escapades. It was one of the dozen of unused rooms situated in the dungeons here in Hogwarts. With the help of a cleaning up spell and some conjuring the room became a sight to behold. And with the help of the Marauder's Map we were able to have our privacy. But all that changed and I knew that it was inevitable that Lily and James would become an item. It all started out as them being friends. James and I we used to be inseparable but it was during the last term of my fifth year that James spent more time with Lily. They grew closer every single day and the only time I could be with James privately was during the night when everyone was asleep. It grew even worse when James became Head boy. He seemed to be too busy with all his school responsibilities and even more so with Lily. I on the other hand got to know Sirius more and I found myself spending my time mostly with him.
I never did get along with Sirius the same way I did with James. Sirius was the outspoken person of the group. He was always coming up with crazy ideas and I'm not going to talk about what happened to Snape, that's another story. James and Sirius had more things in common. I on the other hand was the complete opposite of Sirius. I was the pacifier of the group. I was the voice of reason. And that voice of reason led to the demise of James and I. We were still seeing each other secretly at nights even though Lily and James was an item. I always felt guilty the next day when I saw Lily and James together at the hall. It made me feel sick and I talked to James about it eventually. I guess that was when everything changed between us.
_____________
"Lumos," I said pointing my wand at the darkness that loomed ahead of me. I was walking on one of the dark halls in the dungeons. Although I would do well without the light because I was so used to coming here every night, I still needed the comfort and reassurance of it. I still didn't know how to confront James. I didn't want him to get angry with me. On the other hand, maybe that would be for the best. Almost there. I turned right and approached a wall. It wasn't a wall of course it was just a diversion.
"Bolesti." The wall magically transformed into a door and I turned the knob. I stepped in the room.
"James?" I called. I scanned the room with my wand but I could see no one. I heard the door behind me close with a bang and I jumped. Someone grabbed me in the shoulder. I turned my head and saw James standing there. He gave me a look that meant that he had only one thing in his mind. Before I could react however, he dragged me towards the bed and sat me down. He gave me a smile. I couldn't help myself and smiled at him also.
" Desperate are we?" I asked.
"You could never guess," he told me. Oh he had the most beautiful eyes indeed. And those lips... I pulled him close to me and he willingly obliged. I kissed him hard on his lips. Oh, gods he even smells so good! He was on top of me now and I could feel the heat rising in our bodies. My hands went down his robes and I slowly started to unfasten it. After that I discarded my robes. We were both naked now and ready. At that moment, my worries were forgotten. The only thing on my mind was to be one with James. I needed him.
"Remus," he hissed in my ear as I trailed my hands down his body. I always loved it when he said my name like that. I gave him a smile and started downwards. I trailed my mouth down his stomach and dipped my tongue in his navel. He gave a soft moan and I went further down still. Reaching my destination, I took him in my mouth enjoying his taste in my tongue. I didn't know how long I took and I didn't care. All I wanted was to feel him close to me.
"Need you. Now," James said sighing. I stopped what I was doing and looked at him.
"Yup. You must be desperate, " I said. I couldn't help it. It was a rare moment for me to have the power.
"Stop teasing and get on with it!" he told me. Of course he was not angry. It was just one of those moments when you were on the verge of something beautiful but it's as if it was never going to happen.
"My pleasure," I told him. I gave him a passionate kiss and turned him over and let him relax for a while. I probed him with my finger and then inserted two more inside. He squirmed. When I felt that everything was in order. I took my fingers out and inserted myself inside of him. I could have stayed like that forever. It was a beautiful feeling. No words could express it. When we were done we just laid there side by side listening to each other's heartbeats. It was now or never.
"James, can I ask you something?" He looked at me and gave me a curious glance. He must have noticed my sudden change of tone.
"Sure. You can ask me anything," he said.
Here goes nothing.
"Don't you feel guilty?"
"About what?"
"Lily," I said. James suddenly sat up and became silent avoiding my glance.
Oh no, here it goes.
After a few seconds had lapsed he finally looked up at me. He had a sad look on his face.
"I don't know what to feel."
"Why?" I asked.
"What do you mean "why"? I don't want to talk about this okay? Can we just drop this subject?" he said. He was getting angry now.
"Look, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm the one who's feeling guilty. I can't help it. I feel that this is wrong," I heard him sigh and shook his head.
"Sometimes Remus I just don't get you. What do you want to do now?" he asked me.
" I just want to be able to look at Lily and not be guilty all the time," I said softly.
"I know," he replied.
"So you do feel something," I told him.
"Yes. Yes I do. I've never really talked to you about this. But I really love Lily. I truly am in love with her. I didn't know at first but there is just something about her that makes her really special to me." I didn't know how to react after he said that. Did I feel happy for him? Should I feel happy for him? This was harder than I thought.
"I understand. I somehow know how you feel toward Lily," I said. Although deep inside I was hoping against hope...
"Look, I know it's hard for you to accept this..." he started to say. I pressed my lips unto his to silence him. Drawing myself up, I turned to look at him intently, making sure that he would see no trace of uncertainty in my face.
"Look at me," I told him gently. I traced my fingers down his face. I could see on his face the shadows of doubt and sadness lingering there.
"I love you. You know that don't you?" I told him.
He nodded.
"Whether or not you like to admit it, since you met Lily, we've grown apart. At first I thought nothing of it. But you know me, I started feeling guilty about our relationship because of Lily. Every time I saw you both together, it was like you were the only one's left in the whole world. James, I only want you to be happy. Both you and Lily belong to one another. And the last thing I would want to do is to hold you back from being happy."
"Remus...I...I just didn't want to see you get hurt," James said.
"As I said, I don't want to be a barrier for your happiness," I said firmly.
However, deep inside I was fighting an inner battle of wanting to hold on to him and at the same time wanting to let him go. I tried my best to hide the mixed feelings that were building up inside of me.
"Thank you," he told me after a few seconds had passed.
"For what?"
"For helping me decide," he said softly this time. I was curious now.
"Decide what?"
"Whether to ask her to marry me or not," he said.
And that was it. After that we tried our best not to do anything together that would harm James' relationship with Lily. I knew for the fact that James was going to ask Lily's hand for marriage a week before our graduation and after graduation they would get married right away. He had asked permission from Dumbledore to hold the wedding at Hogwarts the day after. Dumbledore was of course happy to oblige.
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It was a sunny day. A beautiful day. I knew that I should be happy for him. I knew that I should probably be congratulating him. But at that moment the only thing I felt was the longing and desire to get him back. All I wanted to do was find him and drag him right back to bed. End of story. But life can never be that simple, can it? You cannot always get what you want. If that were the case than no one would be experiencing any sadness or pain. I should be going soon. It must be noontime already and the wedding would start in two hours. I got up and got dressed quickly. Before I left the room I made sure that everything was in order. I looked at the room one last time. I was going to miss this. It filled my mind with memories both of pain and pleasure. Shaking my head of those thoughts I went through the door and sealed it shut. There was no turning back now.
"Bolesti," I said. But in the back of my mind I was thinking that maybe someday I could visit...
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Once I stepped outside I saw that the normal Quidditch field and the surrounding gardens were alive with people. There were chairs and tables that were probably conjured. A band was setting up in the stage. I could see people I knew from school and some that I didn't were rushing from one place to the other. They were all probably preparing for the wedding. I couldn't see James anywhere and I wanted to talk to him. Just then someone bumped into me making me turn.
"Whoops! Sorry! Oh...it's you! We were thinking that you'd never come. You weren't in your house when I went there this morning. Where have you been?" It was Sirius he was already all dressed up in his Best Man outfit.
"Oh, nowhere really. I was over at one of my friend's house. I was so tired from last night's last minute preparations that I ended up sleeping there. I got up only now," I explained hoping that Sirius would buy it.
He just raised an eyebrow at me.
"Oh, really? Who is this friend? "
"Oh. Erm...You wouldn't know him. He was my childhood playmate before at my village. I met up with him by accident and he invited me for a late night snack," I said. I was always not very good in lying.
"Riiight...oh, well. Now you're here maybe you can be of help. Help me with the streamers would you? Apparently you're not the only one who hasn't arrived yet. I couldn't get a hold of Peter. He seems to be busy these days, " he told me shoving me a carton.
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It took me an hour and a half before I was able to talk to James. At that time there were already a lot of guests, which were mostly Gryffindors, sitting around or talking to one another. Professor Dumbledore was already there with Professor McGonagall helping out with the last minute touches. Peter was nowhere to be found. I spotted James going in the castle with Sirius and followed them inside. I saw them enter a room where it was used as a dressing room for that day. I followed them inside and saw that James was about to change to his suit. They stopped what they were doing when they saw me there.
"Hey! I'm glad you're here. I almost forgot I needed to do something important. I have to talk to Professor McGonagall about it. Maybe you could help James get dressed. I'll be back soon," Sirius said. It was a perfect opportunity to talk to him.
"Sure. I'll help," I said trying not to sound too pleased. Sirius gave a grin as thanks and left the room with three quick strides. James gave me a smile. He still was beautiful. I looked at James closely and noticed a glow in his face. It seemed to radiate the entire room.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing. It's just that...oh heck, I'm just nervous! I never felt so nervous in my entire life!" he told me.
"Well, you shouldn't be. This is the most important thing that could every happen in your life. In a few minutes you will be married to Lily. You should be happy," I said.
"You know what? You're right! I will. And oh, gods, I really do love her! I can't explain right now how I feel but it's both wonderful and terrifying," he said. I smiled at him.
"I love you to you know," I told him. The words slipped out of my mouth before I could prevent it.
"Look...I'm sorry. I know we agreed, but yesterday... I just wanted…" I knew I was rambling. James put his fingers on his lips to motion for silence and then reached for his wand and cast a Silencing Charm. He approached me and laid his hands on my shoulders.
"I know how you feel. I spent so many nights contemplating and thinking what I should do. And you know what my solution was?" he asked me. I looked at his eyes and shook my head.
"I told myself that I would always love you both. You and Lily have a special place in my heart. Both of you have taught me things. Both of you have been there for me when I was feeling down," he was saying. He was looking straight at me and all I could see was sincerity.
"But you Remus, taught me something that I would always be grateful for," he said.
"And that is?"
"Friendship. You taught me all about it and then some. Like I said last night, I will always love you as a friend. Don't think for a second that I forgot all those nights we were together. I will always treasure that," James said.
I blinked. I was not going to cry. I realized now that James did love Lily and they truly deserved each other. I was truly happy for them.
"Thank you," I told him. I embraced him and we just stood there hugging each other. I tried to hold back my tears but to no avail. We didn't notice a young man with black hair standing by the door watching the whole exchange. Before we could see him however he was gone in a flash.
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The wedding was a grand event. A lot of people had arrived and was already seated. James and Lily had wanted it to be a small wedding with just a few friends. They should have known that a lot of people would be present. James and Lily were pretty popular. After all James was the Head boy and one of the smartest in his year and Lily was excellent in Charms. I was sitting in the front row with Peter beside me. He arrived at the exact time and I noticed that Peter looked drained. I ignored him and concentrated on what was happening. I could see Sirius beside James looking somewhat distracted. I ignored him too and looked at James and Lily. They looked so happy and fulfilled. I smiled. They were going to be a happy couple that's for sure.
The final blessings by Dumbledore were said and it was finally time to kiss the bride. James carefully lifted the veil of Lily and I too was struck by her beauty. Her long dark hair cascading down her dress complimented her dazzling green eyes. Her face was so vibrant with color that enhanced her beauty. At that moment James pressed his lips into hers and a sudden hush went through the audience. After they broke from their kiss the people started clapping and some even got up from their seats. Sirius took the chance to hug his best friend. I too got up and clapped for both of them. They had a beautiful life ahead of them and I wished them all the best. I rushed forward and hugged both James and Sirius. It was after that Peter followed and joined our embrace.
No matter how much it hurts me to think that I was going to lose James, and no matter what happens in the future, it would always be Padfoot, Prongs, Moony, and Wormtail.
The heart continues to cry out
silently, beating,
wishing things could be done differently
that this was only a dream,
but this will not and cannot be ever
Still in the deep recesses of the mind
These dreams of what once was,
of that something now gone,
but still living in the heart,
will never be forgotten,
these remembrances
But the past is just that and nothing more,
something which arises
sometimes for no reason,
so an uncertain future lies ahead...
-fin
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