Spoilers: Johnny Apocalypse
Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. I'm not making any money off this so don't sue me. Besides, if I did own them, they wouldn't be canceled! (Come on UPN!) Just wrote this for fun!
Note: Even though I don't own the underfunded five, the character of Max Kifton is mine. Just pulled the name out of my head, so if it is your's no offense. Oh, and in this fic The Agency is back under Health and Human Services. I always liked them best. Enjoy!
Chapter 1: "Merry Christmas, yeah right
Some smart-ass once said that when it comes to getting gifts, it's the thought that counts. That's all well and good, but I always thought sure the thoughts great, but for a guy who doesn't have much, what's wrong with getting a cool gift as well? I mean everyone deserves something special, right? Well, this Christmas I got a true gift. And even though this sounds like a line from a cheesy after-school special, I learned one of the true meanings of the holidays.
"Gentlemen, I'd like to congratulate you own your successful mission. Those drug smugglers will think twice when it comes with messing with you two again, he he."
"Thank you, sir," replied Darien Fawkes and Bobby Hobbes.
"Uh, sir? May I inquire as to why you are so cheerful this afternoon? Don't tell me it's just because of our excellent work."
"Of course not, Bobby. It's because with the success of your latest mission, we have been given an increased allowance from the Bureau of Health and Human Services. We have increased their confidence in us boys, so don't screw it up again. Anyway, because of this wonderful news I have decided that you are both getting a longer holiday vacation this year," smiled the Official.
"Yes!" shouted Fawkes and Hobbes as they high-fived each other.
"Exactly, how long Chief?" asked Darien.
"Let's see, today is the 21st, so it starts now and concludes January 2. You shouldn't go too far Darien. You will have to come in one day to get your shot."
"Hey, no problem. Don't have anywhere to go anyway, 'cept my appartment, and maybe a day-trip to see my aunt and grandma."
"I thought she didn't like to be called 'grandma'?" teased Hobbes.
"She doesn't, but she's not here is she?"
"I'm just saying that you should always respect your elder's wishes, my friend. That's all I'm saying."
"Oh, shut up Hobbes."
"Are you two finished?"
Hobbes and Darien gave each a smirking expression.
"Good. You're free to go. Merry Christmas, Fawkes. Happy Hanukah, Hobbes. And a Happy New Year to you both."
"Thanks, sir. Merry Christmas," replied Hobbes.
"Yeah, Merry Christmas, Chief. Hey, Merry Christmas to you to Eberts," said Darien.
"Uh, thank you Darien."
With that, "Starsky and Hutch" left the Official's office.
"Hey partner, I need to head to the Keep for my shot. Your present's down there too if you wanna tag along."
"Of course. I got you a little something as well, my friend."
They chatted about the cheeriness of the fat-man as they made there way down the long, dark corridors to the Keep. As they stepped through the door they immediately stopped talking and just gaped at what they saw. There were Christmas decorations everywhere. Lights, tinsel, bows, stars, even a fully decorated tree stood proudly in the corner, complete with presents underneath. As they slowly walked in "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" began to play.
"Hey guys! Happy Hanukah and Merry Christmas!" shouted Claire.
"Wow, uh, Claire?" asked Darien, "Since when did you get to be in such a festive mood?"
"Oh, I don't know. One day it just seemed to, you know, hit me. Surprised you didn't I? Come on, come on. Let me give you your shot Darien, and then we can exchange gifts. Even though Alex is away on a mission she did leave something for you both."
Darien hopped into his chair, which was also decorated in garland and tinsel.
"Monroe left a gift, uh? She must be starting to like us," said Hobbes.
"Or she thought it was her duty," replied Darien cynically.
"Oh, come on Darien. Can't you just once have a positive attitude about something? I mean, its the holidays! Be happy!"
"Sorry Keep. Ow!"
"There, all better. Now who wants gifts?"
With a quick exchanged glance Fawkes and Hobbes ran over to the tree and started searching for their gifts. Claire had even placed the ones they were going to give each other under the tree. Once they were satisfied that they found all the presents, they started to open them.
"Hold on, guys. Now Hobbes you can open yours since Hanukah is already over."
"Yeah!" cried a giddy Hobbes.
"But Darien, its not Christmas yet so you have to wait."
"Aw crap! C'mon Claire. Please? Not even the one from Alex?"
"No, Darien. Your old enough that I think you can wait. Besides, if you open them now, what will you to look forward to Christmas morning?"
"I guess you're right," sighed Darien. It was at that moment that a sudden wave a depression came over him. Claire was right. Besides his friends at the Agency, who was going to get him a present? His Aunt Celia didn't have much and she had already sent a card and check. It was the same situation with his grandmother. Kevin was dead, as was his mom, and his Dad was in hiding from the government somewhere. He felt suddenly alone and very depressed.
After these deep thoughts Darien proceeded to watch Hobbes open his gifts. For the next few minutes anyone who would have looked in, would have seen Hobbes and Darien acting like kids. Bobby gleefully tearing off wrapping paper and admiring gifts and Darien pouting like a little boy; both being watched by the ever-cheerful Keeper.
"Thanks, guys! This stuff is great! Claire, how did you know I wanted a new display case for my autographed James Bond movies? Fawkes this copy of "Lock-Picking for Dummies" with the Deluxe 32-piece lock-picking set will definitely help us on future missions, eh partner? Ooo! And Alex even got me this great pen. Looks expensive. Thanks guys. You really are the greatest."
"Just glad you like Hobbes. Happy Hanukah," sighed Darien.
"Hey partner? You wanna help me play with my new lock-picking set?"
"Maybe later. I'm kinda tired from my shot. I think I'm gonna head out for the day. Probably catch up on some sleep. Thanks for the gifts in advance."
"No problem Fawkes. Hey, why don't you come with me and join my family for some holiday celebrations. We rented this great cabin in Colorado. We could go skiing, relax by a fire with hot chocolate, admire some lovely skiers of the female persuasion, if you know what I mean."
"Thanks for the offer Bobby, but I'd rather just relax at home this year. It's not very often that I actually get more than six hours to sleep, right?"
"Whatever you want partner. I'll see you when I get back alright? Now, don't do anything I wouldn't okay? Hey, Merry Christmas."
"Don't worry Hobbes. I'll be fine. See ya next year."
"See ya Fawksey!"
With that, Bobby skipped out the door of the keep carrying his new treasures and whistling some happy tune.
"Merry Christmas Darien. I'll see you in a few days right?"
"Uh? Oh yeah, my shot. Sure, I'll be in. Later Keep."
"Bye Darien."
With that, Darien collected his gifts and went straight home. After feeding Darien, the rat, he decided to call his aunt.
"Hey, Aunt Celia? It's me, Darien. Yeah its good to talk to you too. Anyway, I have some extra days off and was wondering if you wanted me to come down there for a day or something. Oh, I see. No no! Have a great time with your Bridge Club. It's not often that you get a chance to go the Retiree Bridge Club Championship Jamboree. Have a great time okay? And good luck! Merry Christmas to you too. Bye."
Darien put down the phone.
"The one time I want to visit my aunt she has to go and have a life. Figures. Let's try grandma."
Darien quickly dialed the number of his grandmother's house. When the phone stopped ringing he got the answering machine.
"This is Madeliene. You've reached 343-555-5674. I'm away for the holidays, so leave a message and I'll get back to you in the New Year. Merry Christmas! BEEP!"
"Hi Gran-I mean Madeliene. It's Darien. Just wanted to tell you Merry Christmas. I'll talk to you later. Bye."
This time Darien slammed down the phone. He began to feel even more alone, than he had in the Keep. He decided to watch tv, but couldn't find anything but Christmas movies and info-mercials. He then spied his gifts on the counter.
"What the heck, right Darien? It's not like their gonna know anyway."
Fawkes made his way to the kitchen and pulled up a stool. Very carefully he began to slowly open up his three presents.
"Hey, gotta make'em last," he said to himself.
"Let's see how about Alex first?"
Darien gingerly opened up the package.
"Ha, great. My very own copy of Hollow Man. Just what I need. A movie about a guy who goes invisible, then crazy, and then kills his friends. Never heard of that before. Bet its the heartfelt movie of the year! How about Claire, huh. She has good taste."
Darien opened his Keeper's gift next.
"Oh, even better. H.G. Wells' Classics. Looks like we've got The Time Machine and The Invisible Man. Gee, thanks Claire. Now I can really get away from my problems this week. Okay Hobbes. You're up. I hope this is good."
Darien took his time opening his last gift. Certainly Hobbes would have gotten him something special.
"God! I don't believe this. 'Claude Raines in the classic The Invisible Man!"
Darien through the tape on the floor. He couldn't believe that these people he thought he was so close to, knew so little about him, except that he was The Invisible Man. Even more depressed and discouraged Darien began to remember a Christmas past....
"Merry Christmas Kevin! Merry Christmas Darien!" shouted Aunt Celia and Uncle Peter.
"And how are my two favorite boys this morning?"
"Very well Aunt Celia. Thank you," replied Kevin Fawkes graciously.
"Fine, thanks," uttered a tired, and somewhat incoherent Darien.
It was Darien's senior year in high school, and Kevin was a sophomore at college. The house was brightly decorated with tinsel, garland, lights, and wreaths, and the Christmas tree was the most beautiful they had ever seen. 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' was playing in the background.
"Well, come on now boys. Don't just stand there. Why don't you open your gifts. I happen to know that Santa Claus brought you both something very special this year."
"Oh, c'mon Uncle Peter. We've known that there's been no Santa since we were like ten!"
"Well, there's no need to get rude Darien. Your Uncle's just trying to have a little fun this morning. Don't be such a grinch," scolded Celia.
"Yeah, Darien. Be happy for once!"
"Shut up Kevin."
Peter decided that it was a good time to change the subject.
"Alright boys! To the tree! Who wants to help pass out the gifts this year?"
"Can I do Uncle Peter? If it's okay with Darien of course."
"Sure, Kev. Knock yourself out."
Darien plopped himself in the corner and Celia set herself on the sofa. Peter would read off the names on the gifts and who they were from and Kevin would hand them out. About an hour later, wrapping paper was strewn everywhere and they were all laughing and having a good time with each other, except Darien of course, who tried not to let on that he was actually starting to feel happy.
"Okay. I think we've exhausted almost all the uses for left-over wrapping paper. Eh, boys? Ha ha! Time for your big gifts!"
"Yes!" cried Darien. This was the moment he had been waiting for. His aunt and uncle almost always got him something great for his 'big' gift.
"Kevin first. Here you go, doctor."
"Uncle Peter, I'm not a doctor yet. I still have a few more years. He he!"
"Oh, Uncle Peter, I'm not a doctor! I have a few more years. He he he!" mimicked Darien to himself. Luckily no one but his aunt heard it and she just gave him a stern look.
Peter pulled out a large box and handed it to Kevin. Kevin could hardly wait to open the package.
"Whoa! Is this for real? A new video camera!!! This will be just what I need to record my experiments and observations! Thank you so much!!"
"Oh, your welcome Kevin. Now Darien it's your turn," said Celia.
She handed him a small package.
'Okay,' thought Darien. 'Small things come in good packages, right? Let's see: gift certificates, car keys, maybe a new box cassette collection...'
"A 'Get Out of Jail Free Card'. Great. Where's the rest of the game?"
"What game?" asked Peter.
"Ya, know. The rest of the Monopoly game. Like the board, fake money, little metal hat? I know the camera must have been expensive, but if you guys couldn't afford to buy the whole... Uh, why are you looking at me like that?"
"Darien. We gave you that card to tell you that you don't have to pay us back the rest of your bail, from that incident a few months ago," said Peter solemnly.
"What!? I paid half of that back already!!!" shouted Darien angrily.
"We know, so you don't have to pay the other half. Don't worry. You didn't get cheated. Kevin's video camera was about the same price as that last half," said Celia, desperately trying to calm the tensions in the room.
"Didn't get cheated? Didn't get cheated? Kev gets a new, state-of-the-art camera and I get a piece of cardboard?! This is bull-"
Peter cut him off before he could say anything else.
"Darien! Would you stop being so selfish for once? It's Christmas for God's sake. Show some respect. We thought..."
"I don't care what you thought! You thought wrong. God!! You don't even know me! You probably don't want to, anyway, and that's why you always get me crap!"
"Darien!" cried out his aunt.
"That's it. I'm gone!"
"Darien, you are not going anywhere! Darien, Darien!"
But his uncle was too late. At his last cry of 'Darien' they heard the door slam shut. Then silence. Outside, Darien was muttering and cursing to himself as he walked down the street. He didn't know where to go, but finally decided on going to visit his friend Kifton at the group home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darien sighed as he remembered those days. Looking back on it now, he could see how selfish he really had been. But that realization only seemed to make him more depressed. He checked the amount of cash in his wallet and headed out the door to one of the local bars.
"Merry Christmas," he muttered. "Yeah, right."
TBC
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