Chapter Five: A Death Eater Ambush...Sort Of.

A/N: Here it is, Crystal...*FINALLY*. You can't kill me! And I'll have the next chapter up soon. Thanks a zillion to all you awesome reviewers. Now I must go-I'm watching the best movie on earth (MOULIN ROUGE) and Christian's about to invent "the hills are alive with the sound of music"! ....Gotta watch it to get it :) Buh bye now :D

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Breakfast went remarkably well when compared to the previous happenings on James's visit. As a matter of fact, it would have been downright perfect if Mr. Evans hadn't looked as though he was positive a bite of eggs would transform him into a squid at any given moment.

"James, darling, this really was lovely of you," Mrs. Evans said for what seemed to be the ten millionth time.

"It was no problem," James replied truthfully as Mr. Evans stared suspiciously into his orange juice.

"I had no idea you knew how to cook the regu...er, Muggle way," Lily's mother continued.

"Neither did I," James mumbled to himself. Lily kicked him under the table.

"What was that, dear?" Mrs. Evans asked curiously.

"Neither did...Lily," James said weakly.

"Yup," Lily added with a nod. "I had NO idea James had so much talent in the kitchen!"

James smiled meekly.

"Mmm," Mrs. Evans seemed oblivious to James's discomfort. "These pancakes are simply AMAZING-would you mind showing me how to make them after breakfast?"

"Er...sure," James said nervously. "No problem."

No problem at all, he continued to himself. It's not like I've never cooked ANYTHING in my entire LIFE before.

"You're a dear, James!" Mrs. Evans proclaimed. "I'm so glad our Lily found someone so wonderful....aren't you glad, Paul?"

"Thrilled," Mr. Evans replied dryly. "Just plain overcome with happiness."

Mrs. Evans glared at her husband, then stood up and began to collect everyone's dishes.

"Ugh," she groaned, "I'm NOT in the mood to do dishes..."

"I'll do them, Mrs. Evans," James volunteered.

"Oh, no, darling!" Mrs. Evans exclaimed. "You've done enough already..." "I insist," James cut off, taking the dishes out of her arms.

"If you insist," Mrs. Evans smiled. "Then I'm off to take a nice, long bath."

"I'm going to my study," Mr. Evans announced. Petunia didn't let them know where she was disappearing off to, but James was pretty sure he'd survive without the information.

"James," Lily said in a way-too-sweet voice as she helped him carry the dishes to the sink. "Have you ever actually WASHED a dish before?"

"No," James replied breezily. "But how hard can it be?"

"You'd be surprised," Lily replied slyly. "Now, first-"

"Lily!" Mr. Evans called. "Can I see you for a moment, sweetie?"

"Yes Daddy," Lily yelled back. She fixed her gaze on James, voice firm. "Now, don't even ATTEMPT to start this until I get back."

And with that, she spun on her bunny slipper-clad heel and left the kitchen, red ponytail bouncing with each step.

Yawning, James stacked all the dishes next to the sink and hummed to himself. Grinning, he studied the picture of the four Evanses that hung over the micro...microcave? Oh well. Something like that. Lily's father had an arm wrapped lovingly around his daughter's shoulder, and she was staring up at him with big green eyes.

If James hadn't met Mr. Evans, he would've gathered from the photograph that he was a nice guy. But after all, cliche sayings like 'you can't judge a book by its cover' weren't made up for nothing.

To think that could be his father-in-law one day...

A loud, high sound suddenly filled the room, causing James to jump about eight feet into the air. It sounded almost like a...ringing.

The kitchen grew silent, but a few seconds later the strange ringing sounded again. James began to look around the room suspiciously, trying to find the sound's source. As the ringing occurred a third time, James discovered that it was coming from a strange object hung on the wall with a long curly cord.

He cautiously lifted the object and held it to his ear. Silence...and then-

"Hello?...is anyone there?"

"WHO SAID THAT?!" James shouted, spinning around to find the room empty.

"Ted Nielsen," the voice replied, annoyed. "Can I speak to Frank Evans?"

"Where are you hiding?" James asked loudly, madly swinging open a few cupboards.

"Is this some sort of joke?" the voice asked angrily. "I NEED to speak with Frank, it's about his business promotion..."

It must be one of You-Know-Who's spies! James concluded, panic racing through his body. The Evanses were in danger!

"Show yourself unless you'd like to spend the rest of your life as a rock, buddy!" James warned. "I have a wand, and I was top of my year in Transfiguration at Hogwarts!"

"WHAT?!" the voice exploded.

Oooh, that scared ya, HUH, buddy? James thought as he detangled himself from the object's cord and checked behind a counter for the intruder.

"Yeah, you heard me!" James continued. "You're going straight to Azkaban, buddy!"

"What the hell?" the voice asked in outrage before a soft click sounded.

"Don't bother hiding," James muttered. "I'll find you, and you'll be in Azkaban before you can say 'dementor'..."

Another voice, this time female, responded, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again!"

James pulled his wand out of his pocket and swung open the pantry.

Nothing.

They must have an invisibility cloak! James thought, lifting his hands up and blindly running them through the air. He'd catch them!

"James Potter, WHAT are you doing?"

"Lily, get out and warn your family!" James cried. "There's someone in here!"

"WHAT are you talking about?" Lily asked.

"Death Eaters, they're here!" James exclaimed.

All color immediately disappeared from Lily's face and she disappeared soundlessly out of the kitchen.

"Mum, Dad, Petunia, get out!" James could hear her scream.

"What's going on?" Mr. Evans called back.

"No time to explain, just get out the door!" Lily yelled. "NOW!"

Within seconds, all four Evanses and James were out the door, Mrs. Evans in a bathrobe with damp hair and Petunia sporting some sort of green, extremely gooey facial mask that made her look more like a swamp monster rather than a horse.

Lily's older sister seemed to be hyperventilating.

"I can't believe it!" she shrieked as she ran across the yard. "You've finally done it, Lily, you've gotten us KILLED!"

"Shut UP, Petunia!" Lily hissed back, wand out and standing cautiously by the door. James followed suit.

Petunia didn't take her sister's advice.

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT FROM THE SECOND YOU GOT THAT LETTER FROM THAT...THAT PIGPIMPLES PLACE! I KNEW THAT IT WOULD END UP KILLING US EVENTUALLY! THEY'LL PROBABLY TURN US ALL INTO FROGS!"

Despite the drastic situation, James couldn't help but think that with her face mask she already looked quite similar to one.

"FROGS!" she continued with an outraged screech. James noticed that she'd passed through the Evans's picket fence and was quickly nearing the road.

"Petunia Elizabeth Evans, get out of the road!" Mr. Evans ordered. Mrs. Evans looked too shocked to speak...she was staring at her daughter, apparently extremely frightened. James couldn't blame her-she'd obviously never seen combat Lily before.

"I AM NOT GOING NEAR THOSE FREAKS!" Petunia screamed back. "THEY'RE WHAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS! NO, I'M-"

"CAR!" shouted Mr. Evans a millisecond too late. It had just swerved, narrowly missing Petunia, and slammed right into the Evans's fence.

All five of them were silent and frozen in place as an enraged looking man emerged from the driver's seat of the car.

"Are you lot MAD?!" he asked, angrily yanking on one of the ends of his rather bushy mustache. Mr. Evans seemed to shrink a bit as the man advanced on him-he was very burly, and could easily crush Lily's father into compost.

Petunia, who had fallen into the middle of the road in shock, stood up and began to flip her blonde hair and bat her eyelashes at an almost alarming rate. At that moment, James was glad that he wasn't the big, burly type...having Petunia attempt to flirt with you seemed worse than a life sentence in Azkaban.

Especially when her face was covered with green goop.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized in a light, breezy voice very unlike her own. "We were just...having a bit of trouble in the house." She paused, then invented, "Fire."

The man was staring at her with an expression of intense disgust, and James definitely couldn't blame him. However, there were more important things going on at the moment than Petunia's lack of flirting skills.

"Lil," he hissed, "There's someone still in there, you know."

"James, I-"

A sudden ringing sounded inside the house.

"There!" James exclaimed. "That's it again!"

Lily looked at him with an expression he couldn't quite read.

"Er...that's what you heard?" Lily asked weakly.

"Yeah!" James replied, nodding vigorously and wondering why she wasn't as panicked.

"Er...James, sweetie, that's the telephone."

"The...telephone?" he repeated meekly.

"Yes, the telephone," Lily replied, looking extremely pained.

Mr. and Mrs. Evans looked at him crossly while Petunia batted her eyes at the man with back-breaking speed.

"Erm..." James said weakly. "Whoops."

"The call...it wasn't from anyone named Ted Nielsen, was it?" Mr. Evans asked worriedly.

"Um..." James wished that the car had hit him. Perhaps they'd be a bit more sympathetic if he'd had blood spurting out of him. "Yeah. That was him."

Mr. Evans immediately disappeared back into the house, cursing under his breath. After Mrs. Evans shot James a sympathetic look, she turned and followed her husband.

"I thought there was a fire in there," the man said, confused. "Are you lot mad? Why are they going back in there?"

"To extinguish it, I guess-" Lily was cut off by Petunia.

"I'm Petunia Evans," she said with what she obviously thought was a seductive smile. "What's your name?"

He backed up a few steps, then announced with an air of great importance, "Vernon Dursley."