A/N: Okey doke, you beautiful people, just had to add up here that I absolutely adore you all and keep R/R-ing...you really brighten up my day! :) Hope you enjoy this chapter...the mental image almost killed me as I was writing it. (How pathetic, I crack myself up...*shudders*)



Chapter Seven: Fine Dining-Dr. Pepper and Escargot



Despite his rather dramatic exit at dinner a few days before, Vernon Dursley arrived promptly at eight o'clock sharp to pick up Petunia on Friday. Petunia had taken quite a few hours to get ready, and at one point practically had a nervous breakdown when she announced that her mascara had mysteriously disappeared. James, Lily, and the other Marauders had taken great pleasure in seeing Petunia practically explode under the pressure of it all, though she didn't seem to see the humor in it. When Sirius approached her with his glass of grape juice and oh-so-innocently asked what she would do if he 'accidentally' spilled it on her white silk blouse, Petunia had shrieked, slapped him hard across the face, and stomped out of the room.

An hour later, Sirius was still rubbing his cheek with a pained expression on his face when Vernon was ushered into the house by Mrs. Evans, who disappeared into her husband's study. As soon as he saw Sirius, his eyes practically popped out of his head, and with a strangled cry, he proclaimed, "Y...you!"

"Me!" Sirius replied cheerfully, then tilted his head slightly to the stairs from which Petunia would be descending any moment. "You be careful around that one...one wrong move and she'll go into full-out violent mode."

Vernon didn't reply...instead he just took a few steps back, his face contorted into an expression of extreme edginess.

Lily, James, Remus, and Peter all burst into laughter, though it took Peter a bit longer than the others to register what Sirius had said. Though he knew it was mean of him, James couldn't sometimes help but wonder why they were friends with Peter in the first place...to be completely honest, he wasn't quick-witted or sarcastic like they were, and had never actually come up with any of their pranks they'd played in their Hogwarts years. Now that he thought back on it, he was sure that if he and Peter's fathers hadn't been such good friends, they'd have never even been close at all.

James was pulled out of his thoughts when Petunia glided with practiced elegance down the stairs, dressed in the white blouse and a knee-length gray skirt.

Sirius let out a low wolf whistle, then proclaimed, "If I was a horse, you couldn't keep me away from you, baby!"

The Marauders and Lily burst into laughter again, and Sirius winked at Petunia. She glared daggers at him in response, her rather equine face scrunching into an angry expression, before turning to Vernon and greeting him in the 'fake-Petunia' voice, which was so breathy it sounded like she'd just run a marathon.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

Remus snorted loudly at her airy tone.

"I thought we'd go to a new French restaurant that just opened recently," Vernon replied gallantly, puffing out his chest. "I managed to snag some excellent reservations, due to the connections my father has with the company-"

Just then, the door to Mr. Evans's study burst open, revealing Lily's mother.

"Oh, are you about to leave?" she asked with her ever present grin.

Vernon nodded.

"Well, Mr. Evans and I decided that we'd like a bit of time alone tonight," Mrs. Evans was cut off by Sirius, who gagged loudly, wrinkling his nose in disgust. She eyed him curiously before continuing. "So I was wondering if it would be too much to ask if Lily, James, and their friends went along with you. It would be a sort of double date with extra guests!"

"Love to, but I can't," Remus proclaimed quickly. "I'm supposed to meet Crys in a half hour."

He was referring to Crystal Parks, his long-time girlfriend whom he'd been with since his forth year at Hogwarts.

"My parents wanted me home," Peter piped up.

"Oh, what a shame," Mrs. Evans said, then turned to Sirius. "Are you free, darling?"

Sirius grinned deviously. "As a matter of fact, I am."

"Well, isn't that splendid?" Mrs. Evans asked, grinning energetically at Petunia.

"Mother!" she begged. "Please don't let HIM come, he'll spoil everything!"

Sirius's dark eyes immediately filled with hurt that James, Lily, Remus, and Peter immediately identified as fake. Mrs. Evans, however, was completely fooled.

"Well," Sirius said despondently. "If you don't want me to go..."

"Oh, no, darling!" Mrs. Evans exclaimed, throwing her daughter a dirty look. "Petunia will be happy to have you along, right, Petunia?"

"Mother-"

"RIGHT, Petunia?" Mrs. Evans growled.

"Right," Petunia sighed reluctantly.

"Absolutely fabulous then," Mrs. Evans smiled. "Now, why don't you kids hurry on? Peter, Remus, are you sure you don't want to join them? Remus, I'm sure they wouldn't mind your friend coming along-"

"I'd love to, but I'd better not," Remus replied, his eyes sparkling and voice soft and charming, the way it always was when he spoke with adults. Behaving like this had earned him the 'I Wish He Was My Son' award from James's own mother. "Crys and I haven't seen each other in way too long."

"All right then," Mrs. Evans said. "Now, kids, you should all get a move on."

Petunia groaned as Sirius hopped off of the couch, simply delighted, and threw an arm around Vernon's shoulders. Vernon recoiled in disgust, but Sirius grinned widely.

"This is gonna be fun!"



~*~



As Lily studied the candle-lit table, one single rose in a crystal vase in the center, she decided that it would be quite romantic if it weren't for-

"Sirius!" James hissed, elbowing his best friend in the stomach. After a particularly mushy remark from Vernon to Petunia, Sirius had begun to make loud kissy sounds that attracted the attention of practically everyone in the restaurant.

"What?" Sirius asked innocently. "I was just trying to add to the romantic mood."

"Do you NEVER shut up?" James asked angrily.

"Nope," Sirius replied with a grin.

"Wonderful," Lily said dryly, sipping her wine glass filled with water. Petunia was staring at Vernon, absolutely enthralled, and for about the seventy billionth time in her eighteen years, she wondered how they could possibly be related. According to her friends, James wasn't exactly Sirius Black (who half the female population at Hogwarts had been in love with), but at least he didn't resemble a pig.

No matter what Petunia said, Lily was positive she had better taste in men than her sister.

"I was thinking perhaps we could go out dancing after supper," Vernon suggested, obviously working at making his gruff voice husky and failing miserably.

"That would be wonderful," Petunia breathed.

"Ooooh!" Sirius exclaimed, clapping his hands in joy. "Dancing!"

"On second thought," Vernon said, eyeing Sirius as though he were an escaped patient from St. Mungo's, "Maybe we shouldn't."

"I agree," Petunia said weakly, glaring at Sirius for the millionth time that night. If looks would kill, Lily had a feeling they'd be hiring a caterer for the funeral right about then.

Just then, an elder looking waiter approached them and asked in a stuffy tone, "Can I get you anything?"

"Ooh!" Sirius said energetically. "Could I have some snails??"

"Snails, sir?" the waiter asked, wrinkling his nose.

Sirius nodded vigorously. "I've always wanted to eat snails."

"I'm going to assume you are referring to escargot," the waiter said stiffly. "So I will get some for you and return shortly."

"Cool!" Sirius said. "Thanks, man!"

The waiter looked incredibly offended at being referred to as 'man'.

"And could I get some Dr. Pepper with that?"

Lily felt her stomach quease in disgust and wondered if Sirius's taste buds functioned properly.

"As you wish," the waiter called after his shoulder.

"I have the feeling that Sirius and escargot aren't gonna mix well," James whispered to Lily, who nodded in agreement.

"So, Vernon, have you scheduled a date for the wedding yet?" Sirius asked perkily. "Can I be the best man? Just to let you know, I am EXCELLENT best man material. Lil, Jamesie, and I decided way back in first year that I'd be the best man at their wedding!"

"Oh," Vernon said, tone full of obvious dislike.

The waiter returned shortly with a tray holding a plate of escargot, which looked incredibly unappetising, and a wine glass full of Dr. Pepper.

"Yum, yum, yum!" Sirius exclaimed as the waiter set the tray down in front of him and disappeared as quickly as he could. "Nothing's better than a good ol' plate of snails and Dr. Pepper, don't you agree?"

Everyone stared blankly at him, and James finally proclaimed, "Sirius, my friend, you're going to end up in St. Mungo's one of these days."

Sirius nodded. "Damn straight!"

He picked up the escargot with his fingers (an elderly couple sitting at the table next to theirs eyed him with utmost disgust at this) and popped it into his mouth, then immediately took a swig of Dr. Pepper before even beginning to chew.

He attempted to swallow and chew at the same time, and disaster struck in the blink of an eye!

"I'm choking, I'm choking!" Sirius shouted, standing up and clutching his throat as Dr. Pepper sprayed out of his mouth and onto Petunia's white blouse. She shrieked, and Vernon began to clean it up eagerly with a napkin.

"Aw, Petunia!" Lily exclaimed as James pointed out that Sirius couldn't be choking if he still had the ability to speak. "Don't let the man sexually harass you like that! Slap 'im!"

Apparently her nerves had been tried enough, because Petunia rose her hand and slapped Vernon straight across the face.

The soft chatter in the restaurant had disappeared entirely, and Lily blushed as she felt everyone's eyes on them.

"I'm going to DIE!" Sirius shrieked. "DIE!"

"Sirius, if you were going to die, you'd be dead already!" James exclaimed.

"Oh yeah!"

Sirius perked up and gave a wave to everyone who was watching them in either a) horror, b) amusement, or c) disgust.

"Don't worry, ladies and gents!" he boomed. "Everything is a okay! You can't kill Sirius Black that easily!"

"Unfortunately," Petunia spat bitterly.



A/N 2: Yes, yes, Crystal, that is right...Remmie and you have been together since fourth year :) I wonder if you're screaming in happiness yet :) (To you readers who have NO idea what I'm talking about, PepsiAngel here has quite an obsession with everyone's favorite werewolf!)