~*Chapter One*~
July 17, 1995
2:34 AM
"Remus...there's something I have to tell you..."
Remus looked up from his Charms homework and regarded Sirius curiously. The ebon haired boy was strangely silent and looking rather nervous as he sat down across from him. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw James sitting in a thick chair, positioned so he could watch Sirius' every move. Trying to break the tension, Remus smiled tiredly and put his quill down, regarding Sirius with fond, curious silvery eyes.
"What is it, then?" he inquired, his voice holding a slight tone of hope. He watched as Sirius wrung his hands for a moment, then ran his fingers through his dark hair. Remus knew these signs all very well. Sirius was about to say something that was very hard for him to say or admit, and didn't know how to tell Remus without sounding silly. "Sirius...go on, tell me," he urged.
"Yes, Sirius," came the stern, knowing voice of James, "Why don't you tell Remus all about it..." Remus looked over at James curiously, and saw that no smile played upon his face. Behind those glasses, his bright blue eyes were grim and slightly angered. Peter was silent as well as he sat a few feet behind Sirius; the usually trembling boy was looking at Sirius with an odd, slightly severe expression. Slowly, Remus brought wary, confused eyes back to Sirius, who looked away. Remus narrowed his eyes carefully.
"Why can't you look at me, Sirius...what happened?" he asked, sounding very much like a professor addressing his ill-mannered students.
Sirius mumbled something under his breath,and looked down at his hands. James and Peter looked at him irritably, and were about to tell him to speak up..but then they noticed the pallid tone that Remus' face had taken on. He had heard it...clearly. His eyes, warm and curious before, had gone strangely cold,and held a terrible note of betrayal. The quill fell from his trembling hand just before he clenched it into a fist, and he sat there, regarding Sirius with a terrible icy gaze. Sirius was silent, and failed to meet his eye again. The room had gone uncomfortably quiet.
"I only knew it was a matter of time before this happened...I never thought it would be you though, that told Severus Snape-"
"Remus; I'm sorry!" Sirius suddenly cried from his seat. Remus stood quickly and looked down at him, his silvery eyes smoldering with anger. He looked down at Sirius sharply, his hands clenched at his sides. His eyes were narrowed coldly.
"Don't tell me you're sorry...what makes you think that I can trust you after this? How can I trust that you won't try the same thing again?" he asked bitterly. His voice was harsh and low; then he leaned forward, gripping the edge of the table as he looked at Sirius angrily. "You betrayed not just me, Sirius...but James, and Peter too..."
Sirius looked at him with pained eyes, but was silent again. It was as though James and Peter had vanished, and the surroundings seemed to have changed from the comfortable Gryffndor Common into...hell, it seemed. Sirius was bathed in black; barely visible...but his eyes..pained and empty...they had not changed. Nor had Remus' icy, hardened expression or his grip on the bars as he looked down at him.
"Come to think of it...you've always been somewhat of a traitor...I remember that incident with Severus Snape...Why I let pathetic sentementality sway my judgement after your first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves. Why don't you save us both the pain and the torment and just kill me next time?"
Finally, slowly, Sirius raised his head heavily, and looked Remus in the eye. "There won't be a next time...will there...?" he asked, his charming voice no longer smooth and warm...but cold and harsh...
Cold and harsh...as Remus stepped away from the bars and turned, he found himself step into an old, derelict building. The screams of the damned had fallen away to an eerie, familiar silence, and he turned back around to see Sirius crumpled on the floor, gaunt and pale. Long, unkempt hair fell about him, nearing his elbows, and Crookshanks was perched upon his worn black robes over his chest away from Harry's wand.
"Expelliarmus!" Remus cried, and snatched up the three wands in the room. Confusion swept over the room, and Remus stepped over to Sirius, looking down at him with a strange calmness. No bitterness was in his eyes; no harsh tones..."Where is he, Sirius?" he asked breathlessly. Sirius merely looked up at Remus; his eyes pained and empty, and slowly pointed over to the bed, where Ron laid with his broken leg. He looked at the pair of wizards in bewilderment. A slow dawning came over Remus, and he still looked towards Ron, though his gaze seemed to fall past Ron, as though he was looking past him. "But then...why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless- unless *he* was the one...unless you switched without telling me?"
Sirius merely nodded, and the effect of that one simple gesture rocked Remus' mind. Innocent...Sirius Black; reknowned as a traitor and murderer, was innocent. Guilt ravaged Remus' mind as he grasped Sirius' hand and pulled him up to his feet. As he wrapped his arms around him, all of hatred he had felt for Sirius; hatred for his betrayal, his murder...it all fell away...but he couldn't find the voice to say any apology...He regarded Sirius with pained eyes, but Sirius only looked back with haunted grey eyes...he remembered the bitter sting Remus' icy words had left-
Remus' eyes flashed open, and a strange, cold sweat pressed against his fevered skin. He sat up in his bed, tossing the threadbare bedding aside. He breathed deeply and leaned forward, putting his face into his hand. He sat there for a moment, his eyes closed. But though it was dark, he could still see Sirius' haunted eyes staring back at him. Even twelve years in Azkaban hadn't erased those cruel memories from Sirius' mind...but of course, he had been innocent...to hear such words from the one he loved...
Remus bit back tears and sat there, silhouetted against the moonlit window. How those words had rebounded onto him...and what was worse, he had meant them with every fiber of his being...for 12 long years he had held true to those cold words, only to have them come down upon him like shattered glass. And oh how those words bit and stung at him...He had never forgiven himself, so why would Sirius do so? It was too much to hope for. To think that they had been so close...
He cursed at himself as he laid back in his bed, eyes wide open. It was as thought Fate had it out for them regardless...only a few more steps before they would reach Dumbledore and Sirius would have been exonerated...and it had to be the night of the full moon...
Rolling over onto his side, he felt overwhelming guilt play with his thoughts. He saw Sirius, alone, and on the run...what a sorrowful existance, to know that you are hunted for something that you cannot help...
Remus laughed mirthlessly. How much he and Sirius were alike...the way they lived...in isolation for fear of being trapped by others...the obvious giult on both their parts...Sirius was his match...and Remus had foolishly spat words at him and shoved him away...Before that night two years ago, Remus would have been wonderfully pleased to hand Sirius over to the dementors himself...but no more.
As he laid there alone in his worn bed, he felt an old, familiar chill fall upon him...but this time...more than the chill of solitude...it was a chill of longing. An oppressed desire to feel those warm arms around him once more like in days long past. A yearning for Sirius that Remus had long thought shattered and forgotten was slowly reminding him of all the warmth...and the passionate emotions that had once evolved between them. And the love...Yes, Remus remembered the love. He could never forget the love...even if it was never to be felt again...
"Why was I so blind..."
July 17, 1995
2:34 AM
"Remus...there's something I have to tell you..."
Remus looked up from his Charms homework and regarded Sirius curiously. The ebon haired boy was strangely silent and looking rather nervous as he sat down across from him. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw James sitting in a thick chair, positioned so he could watch Sirius' every move. Trying to break the tension, Remus smiled tiredly and put his quill down, regarding Sirius with fond, curious silvery eyes.
"What is it, then?" he inquired, his voice holding a slight tone of hope. He watched as Sirius wrung his hands for a moment, then ran his fingers through his dark hair. Remus knew these signs all very well. Sirius was about to say something that was very hard for him to say or admit, and didn't know how to tell Remus without sounding silly. "Sirius...go on, tell me," he urged.
"Yes, Sirius," came the stern, knowing voice of James, "Why don't you tell Remus all about it..." Remus looked over at James curiously, and saw that no smile played upon his face. Behind those glasses, his bright blue eyes were grim and slightly angered. Peter was silent as well as he sat a few feet behind Sirius; the usually trembling boy was looking at Sirius with an odd, slightly severe expression. Slowly, Remus brought wary, confused eyes back to Sirius, who looked away. Remus narrowed his eyes carefully.
"Why can't you look at me, Sirius...what happened?" he asked, sounding very much like a professor addressing his ill-mannered students.
Sirius mumbled something under his breath,and looked down at his hands. James and Peter looked at him irritably, and were about to tell him to speak up..but then they noticed the pallid tone that Remus' face had taken on. He had heard it...clearly. His eyes, warm and curious before, had gone strangely cold,and held a terrible note of betrayal. The quill fell from his trembling hand just before he clenched it into a fist, and he sat there, regarding Sirius with a terrible icy gaze. Sirius was silent, and failed to meet his eye again. The room had gone uncomfortably quiet.
"I only knew it was a matter of time before this happened...I never thought it would be you though, that told Severus Snape-"
"Remus; I'm sorry!" Sirius suddenly cried from his seat. Remus stood quickly and looked down at him, his silvery eyes smoldering with anger. He looked down at Sirius sharply, his hands clenched at his sides. His eyes were narrowed coldly.
"Don't tell me you're sorry...what makes you think that I can trust you after this? How can I trust that you won't try the same thing again?" he asked bitterly. His voice was harsh and low; then he leaned forward, gripping the edge of the table as he looked at Sirius angrily. "You betrayed not just me, Sirius...but James, and Peter too..."
Sirius looked at him with pained eyes, but was silent again. It was as though James and Peter had vanished, and the surroundings seemed to have changed from the comfortable Gryffndor Common into...hell, it seemed. Sirius was bathed in black; barely visible...but his eyes..pained and empty...they had not changed. Nor had Remus' icy, hardened expression or his grip on the bars as he looked down at him.
"Come to think of it...you've always been somewhat of a traitor...I remember that incident with Severus Snape...Why I let pathetic sentementality sway my judgement after your first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves. Why don't you save us both the pain and the torment and just kill me next time?"
Finally, slowly, Sirius raised his head heavily, and looked Remus in the eye. "There won't be a next time...will there...?" he asked, his charming voice no longer smooth and warm...but cold and harsh...
Cold and harsh...as Remus stepped away from the bars and turned, he found himself step into an old, derelict building. The screams of the damned had fallen away to an eerie, familiar silence, and he turned back around to see Sirius crumpled on the floor, gaunt and pale. Long, unkempt hair fell about him, nearing his elbows, and Crookshanks was perched upon his worn black robes over his chest away from Harry's wand.
"Expelliarmus!" Remus cried, and snatched up the three wands in the room. Confusion swept over the room, and Remus stepped over to Sirius, looking down at him with a strange calmness. No bitterness was in his eyes; no harsh tones..."Where is he, Sirius?" he asked breathlessly. Sirius merely looked up at Remus; his eyes pained and empty, and slowly pointed over to the bed, where Ron laid with his broken leg. He looked at the pair of wizards in bewilderment. A slow dawning came over Remus, and he still looked towards Ron, though his gaze seemed to fall past Ron, as though he was looking past him. "But then...why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless- unless *he* was the one...unless you switched without telling me?"
Sirius merely nodded, and the effect of that one simple gesture rocked Remus' mind. Innocent...Sirius Black; reknowned as a traitor and murderer, was innocent. Guilt ravaged Remus' mind as he grasped Sirius' hand and pulled him up to his feet. As he wrapped his arms around him, all of hatred he had felt for Sirius; hatred for his betrayal, his murder...it all fell away...but he couldn't find the voice to say any apology...He regarded Sirius with pained eyes, but Sirius only looked back with haunted grey eyes...he remembered the bitter sting Remus' icy words had left-
Remus' eyes flashed open, and a strange, cold sweat pressed against his fevered skin. He sat up in his bed, tossing the threadbare bedding aside. He breathed deeply and leaned forward, putting his face into his hand. He sat there for a moment, his eyes closed. But though it was dark, he could still see Sirius' haunted eyes staring back at him. Even twelve years in Azkaban hadn't erased those cruel memories from Sirius' mind...but of course, he had been innocent...to hear such words from the one he loved...
Remus bit back tears and sat there, silhouetted against the moonlit window. How those words had rebounded onto him...and what was worse, he had meant them with every fiber of his being...for 12 long years he had held true to those cold words, only to have them come down upon him like shattered glass. And oh how those words bit and stung at him...He had never forgiven himself, so why would Sirius do so? It was too much to hope for. To think that they had been so close...
He cursed at himself as he laid back in his bed, eyes wide open. It was as thought Fate had it out for them regardless...only a few more steps before they would reach Dumbledore and Sirius would have been exonerated...and it had to be the night of the full moon...
Rolling over onto his side, he felt overwhelming guilt play with his thoughts. He saw Sirius, alone, and on the run...what a sorrowful existance, to know that you are hunted for something that you cannot help...
Remus laughed mirthlessly. How much he and Sirius were alike...the way they lived...in isolation for fear of being trapped by others...the obvious giult on both their parts...Sirius was his match...and Remus had foolishly spat words at him and shoved him away...Before that night two years ago, Remus would have been wonderfully pleased to hand Sirius over to the dementors himself...but no more.
As he laid there alone in his worn bed, he felt an old, familiar chill fall upon him...but this time...more than the chill of solitude...it was a chill of longing. An oppressed desire to feel those warm arms around him once more like in days long past. A yearning for Sirius that Remus had long thought shattered and forgotten was slowly reminding him of all the warmth...and the passionate emotions that had once evolved between them. And the love...Yes, Remus remembered the love. He could never forget the love...even if it was never to be felt again...
"Why was I so blind..."