~*Chapter Two*~
July 19, 1995
9:37 PM
"Another storm..."
Remus sat down in an old, wellworn chair, looking out through the dim light at the cascades of rain that was beating against the roof and sheeting off of it in torrents. He wiped his hand across his forehead, brushing some of his silver-flecked hair from his face, and sighed. Ever since that night...that dream...he hadn't slept well, and the displacency that tortured his mind was unforgiving and unrelenting. In that one night, millions of memories long oppressed had broken a dam and flooded his mind. Everything about he and Sirius that he had tried to block out came back to him in one painful rush in that night. Thoughts of days long past and actions long gone...all the alluring, love filled whispers; every sensuous touch of heated skin...the gentle brush of devoted lips...
Remus closed his eyes; trying to block out these emotions and remembrances was too taxing on his weary mind. He put a hand over his silvery eyes and sighed meagerly. If only he could have viewed these memories happily...without the ravaging guilt...perhaps then he might have been able to sleep in peace. Even these wonderful, passionate memories brought a stabbing pain...because his cold words were never far from his conscience.
Suddenly, he looked up and glanced quickly towards the window, whose thin draperies were drawn. Through the vociforous wind and rain he heard...thrashing...the crashng of swift footsteps. They were faint but swift, and coming nearer. Thanking his enhanced lycanthrope hearing, he stood, pulling his wand from the folds of his robes. He dimmed the lights carefully, and slowly stepped to the window. He peered through the curtains and into the stormy night, and saw what he was looking for. Stepping in a brisk, unrelenting walk through the rain-battered trees was a tall person cloaked in full black. His face was hidden by an ebon hood, and there was a strong, purposeful stride in his step that Remus didn't like. Quietly and quickly stepping from the window, he stood to the side of the door. If it were a Death Eater, then he had no escape...but he refused to give up to the Dark Lord without a fight. They had taken from him the one thing he had adored more than life itself...his dear friends and his beloved...he would fall like them. He awaited the door to come crashing in, propelled by some terrible curse. He raised his wand to bear, and awaited with a firm eye.
But no crashing came.
There was a swift knock at the door, urgent as though someone merely wished to come in from the rain. Remus stepped back, looking slightly confused. Thunder cracked outside, and again came the knocking. Still holding his wand steady, Remus thought for a moment.
"Who's there?" he called warily.
There was a pause, and then a voice came, muffled by the raging storm and the door.
"Remus...can you let me in? Please? It's raining, and I've been walking for days just to get here..." The voice was almost as weary as his own,and strangely familiar. "Dumbledore sent me here; he told me that I should stay here for a while; hide out..."
Remus stepped back a bit, bewildered. He said nothing, his mind thinking quickly. If Dumbledore had sent someone, he would have sent word notifying him that he was going to have company. This must be some sort of a trick, he figured. He would take no chances.
"I don't believe you," he called. "Dumbledore would have sent me word. What proof can I have that you're-"
"Moony..." said the voice, softer this time, "Moony...Dumbledore has sent me to retrieve members of the old crowd...we need the Order of the Phoenix again...it's me..." the voice paused, as though the next words pained him. "Padfoot," he finally said. "You were the first on my list..."
Silence reigned as these words registered in his mind. Surely this was some sort of a cruel dream...and yet, Remus beleived him. The way he had spoken...so unlike the last time they had spoken...it was almost like the Sirius in his memories. No one could have imitated that; never. Gathering his bearings, he numbly reached out and grasped the doorknob, turning it slowly. Once it clicked, Remus opened the door quickly, and peered out into the pouring rain at the cloaked man on his dootstep. Dim light revealed some of the pale but slightly filled out features under the hood, and short, clean black hair clung to his forehead, damp and tangled slightly from days of travel.
An uncomfortable silence fell upon the two former lovers as they stood face to face, reagrding each other with unspoken questions. So many years had changed them so much...so many terrible events that had sapped away the romance that had once been, and most likely would never be again. Azkaban had taken away that wonderful, beautiful vibrance and love of life that had personified Sirius...his gaze was no longer bright and carefree...
Remus was the first to speak after the long silence, and stepped aside quickly as he became painfully aware of the rain soaked floor and his despair soaked soul. He watched as Sirius strode quickly in, and closed the door behind him. Waving his wand, he brought the lights up from the dimness that had shrouded the room, and stepped up behind Sirius.
"Wonderful way to meet old friends," Sirius replied as he pulled the cowl of his cloak away from his face. "Pointing dangerous wands at them when they were unarmed." He turned to Remus and smiled slightly as he took the sopping cloak from around his shoulders. Remus looked surprised, to say the least. The last time they had met, Sirius had been pale and gaunt, appearing more like a vampire than a human. His hair had been long and matted, dirty from the years of darkness in that infernal prison...a shadow of his former self. But this Sirius...he was still slightly pale and thin, yes, but his face had filled out slightly and his hair had been cleaned and cut, though it was still tangled a bit and still hung a bit past his shoulders. The small smile that played on his lips did wonders for a face that seemed to have forgotten how to grin...it was as though Remus was looking into the handsome face of the Sirius from the years long past. Except for the eyes...those grey eyes were hollow and haunted, empty even though he smiled.
Remus recovered his composure, hoping that he hadn't been staring, and hung the wet cloak on a rack as he dried it with a wave of his wand.
"Oh...yes, you'll have to forgive me for that," he said, his voice regaining some of its strength. "I heard footsteps through the rain, and when I looked out I only saw a cloaked figure. I thought it might have been one of Volde-"
He stopped; no doubt Sirius was touchy on the subject of him being thought a Death Eater. He looked at his old friend for a moment, and apologized again. Offering him a chair, he stepped into the tiny kitchenette. "Would you like some tea?" he asked apprehensively. From his seat nearby, Sirius turned and looked at him and chuckled, though it wasn't a completely amused laugh.
"Some things never change, do they?" he replied rhetorically, and stood, stepping into the tiny room. He looked around at the sparse yet strangely comfortable surroundings. He recognized so many of the things in this place...so many things that seemed to hold such wonderful memories...but try as he might, he couldn't remember them. All that he could recall about Remus...was that terrible look of despair and betrayal...and...
"You sit here in this hell, thinking about your glorious deception...you bastard; I feel no pity for you...That night you left to hunt down Peter, you left me alone under that moon...you left me alone in my own personal hell...so why should I pity you, traitorous bastard?...Come to think of it...you've always been somewhat of a traitor...I remember that incident with Severus Snape...Why I let pathetic sentementality sway my judgement after your first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves. Why don't you save us both the pain and the torment and just kill me next time?"
He regarded the standing form of Remus as he stood making tea with his wand, and looked quickly away. It was all of Remus that he could recall, though he knew that there was more...there had to have been so much more...
After the tea had been properly steeped, Remus put the steaming cups upon two well-used but durable saucers. For a moment, he stared down into the dark amber liquid, his reflection rippling lightly back at him. What could he hope to accomplish? So much had happened in these trying 15 years...so much strife, pain, and anguish had pulled them apart...only to have them crash unexpectedly back together in a jumble of confusion and discomfort.
"Remus?" came Sirius' voice, "Are you going to stand there all night staring at it? I had no idea that tea could be so...thought-grasping."
The words of slight humor brought Remus out of his reverie, and he quckly turned to face Sirius sheepishly. "Well, forgive me; I happened to find the ripples in freshly made tea quite enrapturing," he stated easily, as if he'd done it a million times before. He smiled at Sirius as he sat down, but in that instant of warm companionship, as Remus regarded the worn, meager attire that clung to his love's painfully thin shoulders, it was over, and the uncomfortable silence fell about them again. Taking his seat, he uneasily handed Sirius one of the cups with a few small clinks of china.
"So..." Sirius began, taking the cup into his hand. He held it carefully as he attempted to make conversaion.
"So..." Remus repeated,and took a small drink, looking away. "Ah...I suppose that...Dumbledore needs us now that Voldemort has returned," he said, his tone still uneasy. Sirius nodded a bit.
"Yep...he wants all of the old Order of the Phoenix revived...and sent me to do it. And..I don't know why...but I came here first...something made me come here first...as if..." he smiled wryly. "This will sound so cheesy...but as though my heart knew something my mind can't remember..."
Remus felt something stir within, and he chuckled, covering his anxiety. "You're right; very cheesy," he agreed, and took a long, thoughtful draught of his tea.
Sirius chuckled lowly, but no other words passed between the two as the teacups were drained. Once Sirius set his cup onto the saucer, Remus stood immediatly and retrieved it, setting it in the sink with a creful levitation spell. He nodded his head towards the small living area, and stepped inside. Sirius followed behind him, and watched as Remus waved his wand expertly, conjuring several blankets and a soft pillow from seemingly nowhere. He set them on the small, threadbare but comfortable couch, and smiled as he lit a candle.
"You can sleep here tonight," he said, though it felt strange...strange to be asking Sirius to sleep in a seperate room and bed other than his own...but he quickly pushed that thought aside. He couldn't risk it...So with that in mind, he put up a warm front and stepped aside. "I'll be in my room, on the-"
"I remember where your room is," Sirius said suddenly, but he sounded quite calm about it as he stepped around and sat upon the couch. He moved about for a moment, as though trying to find a comfortable position, and finally stopped, looking up at Remus softly. "Thank you," he said softly with a smile, and stretched out upon the couch. He looked up and regarded Remus for a moment as he stepped about the room, closing curtains and things. As he paused by the window, thunder cracked, highlighting the silver in his hair...When Remus had turned to him, those intense bluish orbs seemed to penetrate into his soul, as though he could see just what was on his mind at any given second...but that intensity had been taken away, replaced with a strnger, bitter hardness that did not suit his handsome face. The lycanthropy had clearly taken a toll on his thin body; all those years alone with himself on those hellish nights was painfully obvious in the strained expressions and the lean frame that held him up under those worn, patched robes. Why had Fate been so cruel to him? Why couldn't he remember those happy moments that were always just beyond his reach? It seemed that somewhere in his mind, the darkness of Azkaban had not yet relenquished its terrible grip on his mind and soul...
Remus looked at him in surprise. "You remember?" he asked, voicing the question that had immediatly came to mind. So many thngs he wanted to say...so many words at the tip of his tounge...that were silenced. Sirius nodded vaguely, and Remus smiled lightly, but nothing more was said. "Good night, Sirius," he replied as he passed. He took up a small candle and lit it, holding its tiny flame close, and started to step from the room, letting the magical lights darken as he left.
"Remus?" came the voice; it was strange...like a small child, cold and frightened. It trembled audibly from the darkness...from the couch. Remus turned quickly and looked into the dimness at the figure that was sitting up rigidly, shivering.
"Sirius?" Remus asked, stepping closer. The figure trembled even more, pulling the bedding about him as though the surroudnings were being torn from reality, back to the hell that was...Azkaban...
"Remus...please don't leave me alone in the dark...I can't bear it...they'll take me back...they'll kill me in the dark...please, stay with me...don't go; don't die agian, Remus! Please! I'll die if you die again!" The voice was growing more urgent and fearful...and some of it didn't make sense...
Remus hurried to his side, the lights coming on dimly. He sat beside Sirius and put his hands upon Sirius' slender, quaking shoulders. "Sirius! Sirius, calm down; i'm not dead...I never died...shhh..." It was as though, for a moment, all the painful barriers were pushed aside as Remus wrapped his arms reassuringly around him, cradling him warmly. "I've never died...I'm-"
Remus paused for a moment...and those words of guilt came back..."Moony...yes...he was once a dear friend of Black's...but Moony's dead now..."
Remus bit his lip and closed his eyes, holding him tighter. "What have I done..." he said softly, and shook his head, buring it into the tattered robes that hung on those trembling shoulders.
"Moony...you died a long time ago...just like me..." came the voice softly; it was so unlike Sirius that it hadn't struck Remus until then that it had been Sirius pleading in the darkness. "Just don't leave me again...whatever you do...don't leave me alone again...not in the darkness..."
Remus took a shuddered breath...he had left him alone...alone to rot with those bitter, stinging words emblazoned in his mind for 12 years...twelve years of listening to those biting phrases ring over and over in his mind while he knew he was innocent..knowing that he had lost the great love he had once treasured and would've given anything for...what a wretched existance...
"I'm sorry..." Remus whispered. "I'm sorry...for everything..."
Finally, after 15 long years of silence, he uttered the words that he had once vowed he would never speak to Sirius again...
After another long pause, Remus puled back and looked Sirius in the eye. "Come along...I promise I won't leave you alone..."
Instinctively, he brushed a few strands of ebony hair from his pallid, drawn face, and smiled, thoughthe guilt was obvious in his eyes. Sirius' grey eyes were filled with an unbidden terror, and he almost seemed to be staring out past Remus and into space. Gently, Remus stood and pulled Sirius to his feet. Helping him stand, he waved his wand and slowly started to quiet trek into the nearby bedroom. Though reluctant to let him sleep in there, he would not refuse him in his deepest hours of need. As they entered the darkened room, Sirius gripped onto Remus' arm, then recoiled in fear.
"No!" he shrieked suddenly, and pulled away. "No! You'll not take me back!" His voice was maddeningly insane, and he lunged for Remus' wand. In his surprise, Remus failed to pull his hand away, and Sirius yanked the wand frim his grasp. pulling away from him, Sirius raised the wand in his tremlbing hand. "You'll never take me back! You'll have to kill me first!"
"Sirius, stop it now-"
"Expecto Patronum!" Sirius yelled, and a great stream of silver shot from the tip of the wand, though weaker than it might've been had he had his own wand. Remus stepped back, looking shocked. Sirius thought he was a dementor...of course!
"Sirius, calm down!" Remus said, stepping towards him. Sirius stepped back, wand raised.
"Don't come near me! I refuse to go back! STAY AWAY!"
"Sirius!" Remus yelled, and waved a hand quickly. Suddenly, the room was flooded with light, and Sirius started back, dropping the wand to the floor. The insane look in his haunted eyes fell away, and he slumped against the wall, shaking terribly.
"Remus...Remus, I'm sorry...It always happens this way...I can't get those terrible thoughts out of my mind...I know that if they catch me...those dementors have been ordered to administer the Kiss as soon as they find me..."
"Well, they'll not find you," Remus said blantantly, and knelt, picking his wand up. "Not so long as I have something to say about it. Now lay down; you've not gotten sleep in God knows how-"
"Two weeks," Sirius said shakily as he spread out his blankets on the floor below. He still shook as he laid himself out upon the bedding, and stared up at the light. "I can't sleep...they still haunt me...I can't forget it...I don't think I'll ever forget it..."
Remus, who had been lighting a small set of candles and setting them on the floor beside the pallet, looked down at Sirius curiously as he sat upon his bed and laid down, turnong down the lights.
"Forget what?"
Sirius was quiet for a long moment, his thin features outlined sharply by the flickering candlelight.
"I will never forget...that terrible, icy look on your eyes as you turned away from me, impervious to the screams around you...impervious to everything but your terrible hatred of me...as you turned and walked away from me..."
Remus felt an icy stab at his heart,and rolled onto his back, looking into the dark recesses of his room that the candlelight had missed. He closed his eyes, but no sleep came...he would not sleep that night...he couldn't.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Ever so sorry..."
July 19, 1995
9:37 PM
"Another storm..."
Remus sat down in an old, wellworn chair, looking out through the dim light at the cascades of rain that was beating against the roof and sheeting off of it in torrents. He wiped his hand across his forehead, brushing some of his silver-flecked hair from his face, and sighed. Ever since that night...that dream...he hadn't slept well, and the displacency that tortured his mind was unforgiving and unrelenting. In that one night, millions of memories long oppressed had broken a dam and flooded his mind. Everything about he and Sirius that he had tried to block out came back to him in one painful rush in that night. Thoughts of days long past and actions long gone...all the alluring, love filled whispers; every sensuous touch of heated skin...the gentle brush of devoted lips...
Remus closed his eyes; trying to block out these emotions and remembrances was too taxing on his weary mind. He put a hand over his silvery eyes and sighed meagerly. If only he could have viewed these memories happily...without the ravaging guilt...perhaps then he might have been able to sleep in peace. Even these wonderful, passionate memories brought a stabbing pain...because his cold words were never far from his conscience.
Suddenly, he looked up and glanced quickly towards the window, whose thin draperies were drawn. Through the vociforous wind and rain he heard...thrashing...the crashng of swift footsteps. They were faint but swift, and coming nearer. Thanking his enhanced lycanthrope hearing, he stood, pulling his wand from the folds of his robes. He dimmed the lights carefully, and slowly stepped to the window. He peered through the curtains and into the stormy night, and saw what he was looking for. Stepping in a brisk, unrelenting walk through the rain-battered trees was a tall person cloaked in full black. His face was hidden by an ebon hood, and there was a strong, purposeful stride in his step that Remus didn't like. Quietly and quickly stepping from the window, he stood to the side of the door. If it were a Death Eater, then he had no escape...but he refused to give up to the Dark Lord without a fight. They had taken from him the one thing he had adored more than life itself...his dear friends and his beloved...he would fall like them. He awaited the door to come crashing in, propelled by some terrible curse. He raised his wand to bear, and awaited with a firm eye.
But no crashing came.
There was a swift knock at the door, urgent as though someone merely wished to come in from the rain. Remus stepped back, looking slightly confused. Thunder cracked outside, and again came the knocking. Still holding his wand steady, Remus thought for a moment.
"Who's there?" he called warily.
There was a pause, and then a voice came, muffled by the raging storm and the door.
"Remus...can you let me in? Please? It's raining, and I've been walking for days just to get here..." The voice was almost as weary as his own,and strangely familiar. "Dumbledore sent me here; he told me that I should stay here for a while; hide out..."
Remus stepped back a bit, bewildered. He said nothing, his mind thinking quickly. If Dumbledore had sent someone, he would have sent word notifying him that he was going to have company. This must be some sort of a trick, he figured. He would take no chances.
"I don't believe you," he called. "Dumbledore would have sent me word. What proof can I have that you're-"
"Moony..." said the voice, softer this time, "Moony...Dumbledore has sent me to retrieve members of the old crowd...we need the Order of the Phoenix again...it's me..." the voice paused, as though the next words pained him. "Padfoot," he finally said. "You were the first on my list..."
Silence reigned as these words registered in his mind. Surely this was some sort of a cruel dream...and yet, Remus beleived him. The way he had spoken...so unlike the last time they had spoken...it was almost like the Sirius in his memories. No one could have imitated that; never. Gathering his bearings, he numbly reached out and grasped the doorknob, turning it slowly. Once it clicked, Remus opened the door quickly, and peered out into the pouring rain at the cloaked man on his dootstep. Dim light revealed some of the pale but slightly filled out features under the hood, and short, clean black hair clung to his forehead, damp and tangled slightly from days of travel.
An uncomfortable silence fell upon the two former lovers as they stood face to face, reagrding each other with unspoken questions. So many years had changed them so much...so many terrible events that had sapped away the romance that had once been, and most likely would never be again. Azkaban had taken away that wonderful, beautiful vibrance and love of life that had personified Sirius...his gaze was no longer bright and carefree...
Remus was the first to speak after the long silence, and stepped aside quickly as he became painfully aware of the rain soaked floor and his despair soaked soul. He watched as Sirius strode quickly in, and closed the door behind him. Waving his wand, he brought the lights up from the dimness that had shrouded the room, and stepped up behind Sirius.
"Wonderful way to meet old friends," Sirius replied as he pulled the cowl of his cloak away from his face. "Pointing dangerous wands at them when they were unarmed." He turned to Remus and smiled slightly as he took the sopping cloak from around his shoulders. Remus looked surprised, to say the least. The last time they had met, Sirius had been pale and gaunt, appearing more like a vampire than a human. His hair had been long and matted, dirty from the years of darkness in that infernal prison...a shadow of his former self. But this Sirius...he was still slightly pale and thin, yes, but his face had filled out slightly and his hair had been cleaned and cut, though it was still tangled a bit and still hung a bit past his shoulders. The small smile that played on his lips did wonders for a face that seemed to have forgotten how to grin...it was as though Remus was looking into the handsome face of the Sirius from the years long past. Except for the eyes...those grey eyes were hollow and haunted, empty even though he smiled.
Remus recovered his composure, hoping that he hadn't been staring, and hung the wet cloak on a rack as he dried it with a wave of his wand.
"Oh...yes, you'll have to forgive me for that," he said, his voice regaining some of its strength. "I heard footsteps through the rain, and when I looked out I only saw a cloaked figure. I thought it might have been one of Volde-"
He stopped; no doubt Sirius was touchy on the subject of him being thought a Death Eater. He looked at his old friend for a moment, and apologized again. Offering him a chair, he stepped into the tiny kitchenette. "Would you like some tea?" he asked apprehensively. From his seat nearby, Sirius turned and looked at him and chuckled, though it wasn't a completely amused laugh.
"Some things never change, do they?" he replied rhetorically, and stood, stepping into the tiny room. He looked around at the sparse yet strangely comfortable surroundings. He recognized so many of the things in this place...so many things that seemed to hold such wonderful memories...but try as he might, he couldn't remember them. All that he could recall about Remus...was that terrible look of despair and betrayal...and...
"You sit here in this hell, thinking about your glorious deception...you bastard; I feel no pity for you...That night you left to hunt down Peter, you left me alone under that moon...you left me alone in my own personal hell...so why should I pity you, traitorous bastard?...Come to think of it...you've always been somewhat of a traitor...I remember that incident with Severus Snape...Why I let pathetic sentementality sway my judgement after your first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves. Why don't you save us both the pain and the torment and just kill me next time?"
He regarded the standing form of Remus as he stood making tea with his wand, and looked quickly away. It was all of Remus that he could recall, though he knew that there was more...there had to have been so much more...
After the tea had been properly steeped, Remus put the steaming cups upon two well-used but durable saucers. For a moment, he stared down into the dark amber liquid, his reflection rippling lightly back at him. What could he hope to accomplish? So much had happened in these trying 15 years...so much strife, pain, and anguish had pulled them apart...only to have them crash unexpectedly back together in a jumble of confusion and discomfort.
"Remus?" came Sirius' voice, "Are you going to stand there all night staring at it? I had no idea that tea could be so...thought-grasping."
The words of slight humor brought Remus out of his reverie, and he quckly turned to face Sirius sheepishly. "Well, forgive me; I happened to find the ripples in freshly made tea quite enrapturing," he stated easily, as if he'd done it a million times before. He smiled at Sirius as he sat down, but in that instant of warm companionship, as Remus regarded the worn, meager attire that clung to his love's painfully thin shoulders, it was over, and the uncomfortable silence fell about them again. Taking his seat, he uneasily handed Sirius one of the cups with a few small clinks of china.
"So..." Sirius began, taking the cup into his hand. He held it carefully as he attempted to make conversaion.
"So..." Remus repeated,and took a small drink, looking away. "Ah...I suppose that...Dumbledore needs us now that Voldemort has returned," he said, his tone still uneasy. Sirius nodded a bit.
"Yep...he wants all of the old Order of the Phoenix revived...and sent me to do it. And..I don't know why...but I came here first...something made me come here first...as if..." he smiled wryly. "This will sound so cheesy...but as though my heart knew something my mind can't remember..."
Remus felt something stir within, and he chuckled, covering his anxiety. "You're right; very cheesy," he agreed, and took a long, thoughtful draught of his tea.
Sirius chuckled lowly, but no other words passed between the two as the teacups were drained. Once Sirius set his cup onto the saucer, Remus stood immediatly and retrieved it, setting it in the sink with a creful levitation spell. He nodded his head towards the small living area, and stepped inside. Sirius followed behind him, and watched as Remus waved his wand expertly, conjuring several blankets and a soft pillow from seemingly nowhere. He set them on the small, threadbare but comfortable couch, and smiled as he lit a candle.
"You can sleep here tonight," he said, though it felt strange...strange to be asking Sirius to sleep in a seperate room and bed other than his own...but he quickly pushed that thought aside. He couldn't risk it...So with that in mind, he put up a warm front and stepped aside. "I'll be in my room, on the-"
"I remember where your room is," Sirius said suddenly, but he sounded quite calm about it as he stepped around and sat upon the couch. He moved about for a moment, as though trying to find a comfortable position, and finally stopped, looking up at Remus softly. "Thank you," he said softly with a smile, and stretched out upon the couch. He looked up and regarded Remus for a moment as he stepped about the room, closing curtains and things. As he paused by the window, thunder cracked, highlighting the silver in his hair...When Remus had turned to him, those intense bluish orbs seemed to penetrate into his soul, as though he could see just what was on his mind at any given second...but that intensity had been taken away, replaced with a strnger, bitter hardness that did not suit his handsome face. The lycanthropy had clearly taken a toll on his thin body; all those years alone with himself on those hellish nights was painfully obvious in the strained expressions and the lean frame that held him up under those worn, patched robes. Why had Fate been so cruel to him? Why couldn't he remember those happy moments that were always just beyond his reach? It seemed that somewhere in his mind, the darkness of Azkaban had not yet relenquished its terrible grip on his mind and soul...
Remus looked at him in surprise. "You remember?" he asked, voicing the question that had immediatly came to mind. So many thngs he wanted to say...so many words at the tip of his tounge...that were silenced. Sirius nodded vaguely, and Remus smiled lightly, but nothing more was said. "Good night, Sirius," he replied as he passed. He took up a small candle and lit it, holding its tiny flame close, and started to step from the room, letting the magical lights darken as he left.
"Remus?" came the voice; it was strange...like a small child, cold and frightened. It trembled audibly from the darkness...from the couch. Remus turned quickly and looked into the dimness at the figure that was sitting up rigidly, shivering.
"Sirius?" Remus asked, stepping closer. The figure trembled even more, pulling the bedding about him as though the surroudnings were being torn from reality, back to the hell that was...Azkaban...
"Remus...please don't leave me alone in the dark...I can't bear it...they'll take me back...they'll kill me in the dark...please, stay with me...don't go; don't die agian, Remus! Please! I'll die if you die again!" The voice was growing more urgent and fearful...and some of it didn't make sense...
Remus hurried to his side, the lights coming on dimly. He sat beside Sirius and put his hands upon Sirius' slender, quaking shoulders. "Sirius! Sirius, calm down; i'm not dead...I never died...shhh..." It was as though, for a moment, all the painful barriers were pushed aside as Remus wrapped his arms reassuringly around him, cradling him warmly. "I've never died...I'm-"
Remus paused for a moment...and those words of guilt came back..."Moony...yes...he was once a dear friend of Black's...but Moony's dead now..."
Remus bit his lip and closed his eyes, holding him tighter. "What have I done..." he said softly, and shook his head, buring it into the tattered robes that hung on those trembling shoulders.
"Moony...you died a long time ago...just like me..." came the voice softly; it was so unlike Sirius that it hadn't struck Remus until then that it had been Sirius pleading in the darkness. "Just don't leave me again...whatever you do...don't leave me alone again...not in the darkness..."
Remus took a shuddered breath...he had left him alone...alone to rot with those bitter, stinging words emblazoned in his mind for 12 years...twelve years of listening to those biting phrases ring over and over in his mind while he knew he was innocent..knowing that he had lost the great love he had once treasured and would've given anything for...what a wretched existance...
"I'm sorry..." Remus whispered. "I'm sorry...for everything..."
Finally, after 15 long years of silence, he uttered the words that he had once vowed he would never speak to Sirius again...
After another long pause, Remus puled back and looked Sirius in the eye. "Come along...I promise I won't leave you alone..."
Instinctively, he brushed a few strands of ebony hair from his pallid, drawn face, and smiled, thoughthe guilt was obvious in his eyes. Sirius' grey eyes were filled with an unbidden terror, and he almost seemed to be staring out past Remus and into space. Gently, Remus stood and pulled Sirius to his feet. Helping him stand, he waved his wand and slowly started to quiet trek into the nearby bedroom. Though reluctant to let him sleep in there, he would not refuse him in his deepest hours of need. As they entered the darkened room, Sirius gripped onto Remus' arm, then recoiled in fear.
"No!" he shrieked suddenly, and pulled away. "No! You'll not take me back!" His voice was maddeningly insane, and he lunged for Remus' wand. In his surprise, Remus failed to pull his hand away, and Sirius yanked the wand frim his grasp. pulling away from him, Sirius raised the wand in his tremlbing hand. "You'll never take me back! You'll have to kill me first!"
"Sirius, stop it now-"
"Expecto Patronum!" Sirius yelled, and a great stream of silver shot from the tip of the wand, though weaker than it might've been had he had his own wand. Remus stepped back, looking shocked. Sirius thought he was a dementor...of course!
"Sirius, calm down!" Remus said, stepping towards him. Sirius stepped back, wand raised.
"Don't come near me! I refuse to go back! STAY AWAY!"
"Sirius!" Remus yelled, and waved a hand quickly. Suddenly, the room was flooded with light, and Sirius started back, dropping the wand to the floor. The insane look in his haunted eyes fell away, and he slumped against the wall, shaking terribly.
"Remus...Remus, I'm sorry...It always happens this way...I can't get those terrible thoughts out of my mind...I know that if they catch me...those dementors have been ordered to administer the Kiss as soon as they find me..."
"Well, they'll not find you," Remus said blantantly, and knelt, picking his wand up. "Not so long as I have something to say about it. Now lay down; you've not gotten sleep in God knows how-"
"Two weeks," Sirius said shakily as he spread out his blankets on the floor below. He still shook as he laid himself out upon the bedding, and stared up at the light. "I can't sleep...they still haunt me...I can't forget it...I don't think I'll ever forget it..."
Remus, who had been lighting a small set of candles and setting them on the floor beside the pallet, looked down at Sirius curiously as he sat upon his bed and laid down, turnong down the lights.
"Forget what?"
Sirius was quiet for a long moment, his thin features outlined sharply by the flickering candlelight.
"I will never forget...that terrible, icy look on your eyes as you turned away from me, impervious to the screams around you...impervious to everything but your terrible hatred of me...as you turned and walked away from me..."
Remus felt an icy stab at his heart,and rolled onto his back, looking into the dark recesses of his room that the candlelight had missed. He closed his eyes, but no sleep came...he would not sleep that night...he couldn't.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. "Ever so sorry..."