A/N: I'm baaaaack! *mwahaha* But alas, this chapter ain't all that great...but it's been practically a month, and I didn't want to deprive you guys of this excellent (coughcough) story any longer. ;) Hope you enjoy it.
Chapter 14: Guacamole Chocolate Chip Ice Cream
"You know, I really was positive they'd be here," Sirius proclaimed lazily as he finished his thirteenth ice cream cone, purchased ever so generously by Mr. Evans. "Lily loves Fortescue's."
"Well, obviously they're not," Mr. Evans snapped. "So let's LEAVE!"
"But I haven't tried the guacamole chocolate chip ice cream yet!" Sirius protested desperately.
"You'll have to live without it," Mr. Evans declared, grabbing Sirius by the arm and attempting to pull him out of his seat.
"You know," Sirius said, yanking his arm out of Mr. Evans's grasp, "I might just mysteriously...forget the other places that your daughter likes to hang out if you don't get me that ice cream cone."
Mr. Evans narrowed his eyes dangerously at Sirius.
"You make me sick," he declared, dragging out the last word as he stared at him through tiny slits of fury.
"The memories!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically. "The memories...seeping out of my mind...quickly...quickly...like sand through my fingertips-"
"Oh, just by him the damn ice cream cone, Frank!" Mrs. Evans snapped furiously. "What's important is finding Lily and James!"
"I'm not wasting any more of this wizard money on nutso here!" Mr. Evans jabbed his elbow into Sirius's side.
"Hey!" Sirius squeaked indignantly. "That wasn't very nice!"
"Bite me, buster," Mr. Evans growled.
"Screw you, slimeball," Sirius retorted evenly.
"Fu-"
"FRANK!" Mrs. Evans shouted so loudly that it caused the couple sitting at the table next to them to jump about eight feet into the air.
"He started it," Mr. Evans declared, glaring at Sirius.
"Leave the poor boy alone, Frank, he's only eighteen," Mrs. Evans scolded. "Now, give me some money and I'll go buy him the ice cream cone."
Muttering dangerously under his breath, Mr. Evans shoved the money into his wife's hand. As soon as she turned her back, Sirius stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes, then proceeded to mouth exaggeratedly, "Your wife likes me better! Your wife likes me better!"
Mr. Evans responded by making some not so mature forty year old man-like finger gestures at his tormentor.
Luckily enough, Mrs. Evans had chosen that moment to turn around.
"FRANK!" she screeched.
"We're leaving!" the woman sitting at the table next to them announced to her husband, grabbing his arm and practically running from the ice cream parlor.
Positively seething, Mrs. Evans stomped towards him, armed with Sirius's guacamole chocolate chip ice cream cone.
Waving the ice cream at him violently, she proclaimed, "You are sleeping on the couch every day for the rest of your life, mister!"
Mr. Evans opened his mouth to protest, only to have the most horrible sensation he'd ever tasted enter it as his wife shoved the ice cream cone into his mouth.
"Enjoy, darling," she snapped sarcastically, then turned to Sirius with a sugary sweet smile.
"I'm sorry about your ice cream cone, dear," she said pleasantly. "Would you like another?"
Sirius shook his head politely. "No thank you, Mrs. Evans. In my opinion, anyone who eats guacamole chocolate chip ice cream really must be insane."
He stared pointedly at Mr. Evans, who was stumbling around, clutching his head in pain.
"Brain...freeze..." he stammered weakly before collapsing into the table (doing so with style and knocking a few chairs over during the process).
"Oh, toughen up, soldier," Mrs. Evans ordered, then accepted Sirius's offered arm and walked daintily out of Fortescue's.
~*~
"Ahhh, The Three Broomsticks," Sirius said with a blissful sigh as they entered the popular Hogsmeade pub.
"Oh, it's so charming!" Mrs. Evans proclaimed with a merry smile. She turned to her husband, eyes sparkling with malice. "Isn't it charming, Frank?"
"Charming," Mr. Evans repeated obediently.
"Good boy," Mrs. Evans said. "Now, Sirius, do you think that they'll be somewhere in Hogsmeade?"
"I'd bet your husband on it," Sirius responded promptly.
"I'd bet my husband on the fact that the moon was made of purple cheese," Mrs. Evans responded dryly.
"Hey!"
"Did I give you permission to speak, dear?" Mrs. Evans turned back to Sirius, sweet smile fully in place. "Now, Sirius, where does Lily like to go?"
"She's always loved the candy shop, Honeydukes," Sirius responded, his tone infuriatingly angelic. "And Quality Quidditch Supplies...and then there's always Hogwarts."
"Hogwarts?" Mrs. Evans asked interestedly. "That's around here?"
"A short walk's distance, my dear Mrs. Evans," Sirius grinned. "We'll be able to check there."
"You're such a sweet boy," Mrs. Evans proclaimed, then turned to her husband. "Isn't he a sweet boy, Frank?"
Mr. Evans stared at her pleadingly. "Don't make me say it."
"Isn't he a sweet boy, Frank??"
"Honey, please-"
"Say it, Frank," Mrs. Evans hissed dangerously.
"I'd rather die!" Mr. Evans announced firmly.
"That can be arranged!" Sirius piped up, perfectly cheerful.
This was apparently too much for Mr. Evans, who let out a strangled sort of scream and lunged himself at Sirius. Sirius, however, ducked out of his way easily, causing Mr. Evans to slam face-first into the hard floor.
Mrs. Evans and Sirius stared down at him, expressions of mild interest on their faces.
"All right there, Mr. Evans?"
"You are the devil, boy!"
"Frank!"
"It's true! Can't you see what he's doing to me?"
"Oh, get off the floor, Frank," Mrs. Evans ordered. "You're making a scene."
"Making a scene?" Mr. Evans shouted in fury. "I'm making a scene??!!"
Sirius studied the curious faces studying them, then confirmed, "Yup, you're making a scene all right."
Groaning, Mr. Evans rolled over onto his back and stared up at his wife.
"Say, Mr. Evans," Sirius said sweetly, "How would you feel about buying me a butterbeer?"
"Are you out of your mind?! I wouldn't buy you a-"
"Of course he'd love to, Sirius darling," Mrs. Evans interrupted, then stared menacingly down at her husband. "Right, Frank??"
Wondering vaguely what he'd done to deserve this, Mr. Evans moaned the only possible answer.
"Right."
~*~
"This is where you've been going to school for the past seven years?" Mrs. Evans asked, staring up in distaste at the shabby, falling apart old wreck of a house before her. A fading 'Caution: Do Not Enter' sign was hanging sideways from a single nail.
"Hoggy warty Hogwarts!" Sirius confirmed brightly.
"It's...not what I imagined," Mrs. Evans said delicately.
Sirius stared up at the grand castle in confusion, then back at Mrs. Evans. "What were you expecting?"
"Oh, I don't know," Mrs. Evans resisted the urge to wrinkle her nose in distaste at the falling apart mansion. "A...castle of some sort, I suppose."
Briefly questioning Mrs. Evans's sanity, Sirius gestured weakly towards Hogwarts school. "Well...that would be a castle."
"I've...never heard of this kind of castle before," Mrs. Evans said weakly, wondering how the wretched cesspool hadn't collapsed right over all the poor students' heads.
"Really?" Sirius asked, wondering just what strange race of human-like mammals Lily had descended from. "That's kind of the...classic castle, right there."
"I wouldn't really...describe it that way," Mrs. Evans said with a forced chuckle.
"Well...there's no other way to describe it."
"I really would think that it would be more...i-"
"Oh, for the love of God!" Mr. Evans shouted from where he stood behind them. "Figure it out already! It's become quite clear that Sirius is seeing the actual Hogwarts, while you, my dear, are seeing some sort of spell cast on the school so that non-magical folks such as ourselves cannot see it! IS IT REALLY THAT DIFFICULT??!!"
His enraged voice echoed through all three pairs of ears for a few moments, the only soft noise in the otherwise awkward silence. Finally, Mrs. Evans spoke up, annoyed.
"Are you done yet?"
"One more thing."
"What?" Mrs. Evans sighed in exasperation.
"STOP. TALKING. IN. PAUSES," commanded Mr. Evans, then mimicked in a foolishly deep voice, "This is...one great castle." His tone switched to a breathy falsetto. "Actually...it's rather hideous." His macho-man voice resumed. "Actually, my dear...Mrs. Evans-"
"We get the picture, Frank!" snapped Mrs. Evans. "Thank you. Point proven. And did you have permission to speak in the first place??"
Mr. Evans fixed his mouth into a pout and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
"That's better," announced Mrs. Evans. "Now, Sirius, why don't you lead us into this school?"
"It would be my pleasure," Sirius responded, stepping forward and swinging open one of the a) grand or b) falling apart doors. As soon as he had done so, a gasp of horror escaped his lips.
CAUTION: YOU MAY NOT WANT TO CONTINUE READING. THIS IS EXTREMELY DISTURBING, AND THE AUTHOR ASKS FOR YOUR UTMOST FORGIVENESS FOR EVEN SUGGESTING SUCH THINGS.
...You're going to keep reading, aren't you?
Fine then. You asked for it.
"Oh, Albus!"
"Minerva!"
"Al-"
"Holy shit!" Sirius screeched. "For the love of God!"
In a split-second, the two professors pulled apart at once, and a madly blushing Professor McGonagall attempted desperately to straighten her hair, which for once (quite disturbingly) wasn't put up in its usual tight bun. Dumbledore, on the other hand, looked vaguely amused.
"Mr. Black!" McGonagall exclaimed. "What are you doing here? School is over!"
Mouth still hanging open in utter revulsion, Sirius responded, "But that certainly does not mean that it's time to get hot and heavy with the headmaster!"
"Mr. BLACK-"
"I, Professor McGonagall, have experienced some extremely disturbing things in my lifetime: James attempting to sing, Peter with an extra cursed-on tongue, pre-makeover Gilderoy Lockhart....but NEVER, EVER in my life have I seen anything as revolting as two old people trying to score!"
"Mr. Black, you're lucky I can't still take points from Gryffindor! I have never-"
"And really, Professor D," Sirius said confidentially, taking Dumbledore aside, "You can get better than Professor McGonagall, you know. I mean, Madame Pince can be pretty hot behind the evil sneer-"
"I assure you, Sirius," Dumbledore said with a chuckle, looking completely unaffected, "I won't be taking your advice into consideration."
Sirius shrugged. "Whatever. Your loss, man."
"Mr. Black, can I please ask why you're here?" Professor McGonagall asked sternly. "And who are these two with you?"
"Oh yeah," Sirius said sarcastically, "We came here for another reason beyond watching oldies snog. Thanks for reminding me. Anyway, these are Lily's parents. We're looking for Lil and James...they've disappeared. Have you seen them around here?"
Professor Dumbledore shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mr. Black, but I haven't seen either since graduation."
"Okay, thanks," Sirius said, then grabbed Lily's parents and practically dragged them from the main hallway.
"Great," he muttered under his breath. "This whole trip was a waste, and I got scarred for life. Yippie."
With an exasperated sigh, he swung open one of the doors once more only to recoil in horror. Severus Snape stood there, looking like quite the signature greasy bat.
"WHAT are you doing here, Snape?" Sirius asked. "I've already been scarred for life enough for one day!"
"I'm applying for a job as the potions professor," Snape responded coolly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, Black."
And with that, he brushed past Sirius and into the school.
"Aaah!" Sirius cried in horror. "He brushed against me! He. Brushed. Against. Me."
At a speed so fast you'd think his life was at stake, Sirius ran from the school, leaving two very confused Evanses trailing behind him.
"I can't believe we sent Lily there for seven whole years," Mrs. Evans exclaimed.
"I know," Mr. Evans responded, staring back at the school with a shudder. "It makes Sirius seem almost normal, doesn't it?"
A/N 2: Let's just say Snapey was there applying for a job to spy on the good side for Voldie, kays? Good. I'm sorry again...I know that sucked majorly.