~*Chapter Three*~
'Why does my presense ail you so? I know that you aren't sleeping...just as I am not...I can see the strained anguish in your face as you lay there, pretending to slumber...the candles' flickering lights serve more purpose than to keep my own demons at bay...so many things that I should say...but no, that was long ago...we're all alone now...was it all just a dream? Remus...we had believed that it would all never end...never dreaming that it would all come crashing down on us in the blink of an eye...and I..I blame myself...if I hadn't been such a fool! If I hadn't urged James and Lily to change their Secret Keeper to Peter...none of this would have been...knowing that I inadvertantly sold out my best friend and his family...I, too, have known the guilt that keeps you awake...why do you pretend? Why do you hide the pain and torment behind that handsome, reassuring mask? I can see it all in your eyes...hidden in those beautiful silvery depths, I can see the pain...I'm not so thick to miss that...I know you too well...are your nights always this sleepless? Are they always like mine?'
Through the flashes of lightening, Sirius lay there, grey eyes ever attentive to the one upon the bed. Why..why had he done it? Why had he been so insistant upon Peter being Secret Keeper? So much pain and agony would have been prevented! But no...while their personal strife may have been prevented...the havoc that Voldemort was wreaking would've continued...and led to their deaths...perhaps it had been better this way...but Sirius couldn't see how. So many years had been lost to them...so many people had been taken...and now, though he was free from Azkaban, he still wandered, lost and alone in the darkness. After Remus' departure from Azkaban those 12 years ago, he had been nothing but lost...lost and alone in the night, for Remus had recoiled his gentle, leading hand in disgust...
"What have the years done to us?" he whispered, and closed his eyes sadly, gripping the bedding in his hands.
"They've hardened her hearts and broken our souls," came the soft reply. Sirius looked up in slight surprise; he hadn't expected a reply. He watched as the silhouetted figure sat up in bed, his features flickered gently in the dim candlelight. Through the darkness, past the faint dancing lights, Sirius could see a faint line of tears tracing down Remus' gently refined cheekbone. Instinctivly, Sirius reached his hand out to brush away those tears, but Remus waved his hand away gently, shaking his head.
"Remus...I-"
"Sirius," he interrupted softly, "Come sit up here with me for a moment..." he said gently, and put his hand on the bedding beside him. Hesitating, Sirius sat back a moment. "Please..."
The silent movements were almost inperceptible as Sirius took one of the candles in his hands, stood, and stepped quietly to the bedside. He could see the full of Remus' face now...such an expression of misery and defeat he had never seen upon that beautiful face...He sat down gently, his eyes fixed on Remus' expression with slight compassion and confusion.
"What is it, Remus?"
Remus remained silent for a moment, his gaze staring at the dark floor below him, and then, he took a breath, and looked up slowly, regarding Sirius with the gentlest of looks. He smiled a sad, longing smile, and sighed. "Sirius...do you remember how we used to be?" he paused for a moment, and laughed softly. "We believed everything we said to each other...everything about the future...only to see it collapse before our very eyes...we knew then that we would never be beyond each others' sights...that we'd always stand together, side by side...even when Voldemort made his rise to power, our firmness about it all never faltered...until..."
"Remus," Sirius said quickly, and put a hand on his shoulder, "I remember well...what happened after this..." His voice was strained and weary. "Tell me about...before that...please; give me something to smile about..."
Remus looked at him with mild surprise for a moment, then smiled, though it was pained and reluctant. He did not wish to relive his past...but, for a moment, as he looked into the eyes of his former lover, he saw a grave desire in those haunted grey eyes...a grave, insaitable yearning that pleaded for clarification...
"Don't let me drown in your memory, Remus...who am I? All I've known is Sirius Black, convicted murderer and traitor...but that's not who I am..." he paused, and looked deeply into Remus' eyes. "I am Sirius Black...wasn't I once a part of Remus Lupin too?"
His voice had gone soft and gentle, and slowly, he started to lean forward, lips parted slightly. This was all he wanted...a moment to relive the past and forget his 12 years of hell...just one moment...
Remus looked at him for moment, his face void of any expression. He took a shuddered breath and held it for a moment, and looked away. "You were...once...but no, don't..." he said, and realized as soon as the words had parted his lips that he hadn't said the proper thing.
Sirius' soft expression fell in that instant to one cold and icy as he regarded Remus' figure, bathed in blackness. Slowly, he sat back, nodding slowly...this scene was all too familiar for him...
"Too ashamed to even look at me; I might have known..." He said softly, his voice raising with quiet venom. The words that had plagued him so..."You sit here in this hell, thinking about your past and future and what might have been...you bastard; I feel no pity for you..."
Remus looked up sharply as he fell his defenses fall away. Those words...how cruel of him to use those words! Even crueler to know that he had remembered them to the very word all those years...
"Sirius-"
"What?" he demanded, grey eyes gleaming with anger. "Do you think I came all this way just to see you?" He laughed mirthlessly, then went silent, leaving the room in quiet tension. "Remus...after all these years of hearing those words ring in my head, I've learned that I really don't give a damn about what you think...I tried to fool myself all those years...and yes, I've wondered too...Why you let pathetic sentementality sway your judgement after my first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves...I had hoped there might've been a next time; but I never dreamed that you'd actually be dead..." With that, he stood and started to walk away, his footfalls ringing cold on the wooden floors. "Good-bye, Remus..."
Remus watched him, and in an instant, he saw the memory reply through his mind...he saw it all from Sirius' point of view then...and he saw just what he might've done had he not already fallen into the depths of despair. Eyes narrowed, he stood, stepped forward, and grabbed Sirius' hand firmly. Without pretense, he pulled him back, gripped his arms, and pressed his lips firmly to his', not giving a damn about any protest he might give. He had waited for 14 years for reconiliation; it wasn't going to escape his grasp this time.
"What are you-" Sirius started to protest, but his angry words were smothered under the enrapturing caress that he was suddenly under the spell of. The firm, breathless waltz of two mouths was almost clumsy; a strange dance that he had once known but had forgotten long ago. In the split second of surprise he felt at the gripping kiss, Remus had pulled away and fixed him with an ardent, firm expression.
"I'm not dead yet," he said lowly, and swallowed as a single tear fell down the refined curve of his cheek. Sirius's eyes went a little wider at this, and, his hand trembling, he reached forward and wiped it away, his fingertips gracing the smoothness of that skin, the familiar curve of his beloved's face...had it really been so long? No...it didn't seem so now...
"Good...I didn't want to have to attend your funeral...I've been too close to both of our deathbeds..." Sirius said softly. There was another pause, and Remus then looked ashamed.
"Sirius...about what I said all those years ago..."
Sirius shook his head and pressed a finger to his lips. "It's okay...I forgave you a long time ago for that...I didn't misplace misjudgement for hatred as you did...but now you know...it's about time you forgave yourself..."
Gazing up into those compassionate eyes, Remus wondered for a moment why he had ever thought that this man could've betrayed them. He thought he had known him; thought he had memorized every personality quirk, every expression...and yet, he had been so wrong...
He shook his head and looked down from his face. "It's sad...that you should bind yourself to me..." Remus said guiltily. He couldn't face him, even after the tender judgement that Sirius had laid upon him. "I should've known you better than that...I should've known by the expression on your face when I spoke to you that you had been innocent...all those years we spent alone...all those months under the bane of the moon's light without you...all my fault..."
Suddenly, he a felt the strong grasp of Sirius' hand upon his chin as his eyes were brought up to meet those tempting grey orbs. They were set firm and yet comforting.
"Moony, don't you even think about blaming yourself for these trying years...even I find that, though it was I who convinced James to switch Secret Keepers...the only one to blame is Peter...for all his cowardice and infidelity..." he said, a few tones of spite creeping into his smooth voice.
Remus swallowed, and lowered his eyes. That old, worn nickname...the long symbol of their loyalty to one another; The Marauders...though beaten and tossed asunder through the years, when it fell from Sirius' lips, it seemed to sparkle anew, brightly against the parchment of Time.
"Moony..." Remus repeated, softly and slowly as though learning it anew. He looked up at Sirius, and bit his lip. "He was...an aquaintance of yours?" he asked, smiling slightly. He glanced out at the window, where the first rays of dawn were starting to touch the ground. "I haven't seen him in a long time...he's been running alone for many years, afraid to reconcile with his guilt..." Remus paused, and closed his eyes. "How could you have found forgivness for me...when I left you alone like that? You never left me...and that-that was how I repaid you?" he asked bitterly.
Sirius held him close. "Because, Remus..." he paused,and took a breath. The scent...traced with tea leaves and a slight hint of chocolate...in all these years, it hadn't changed...so muchhe remembered..so much he loved about Remus..."Because I love you..." he whispered, and closed his eyes. The words seemed so foreign on his lips..."I forgave you a long time ago..."
The words floated across Remus' conscience like leaves upon a gentle summer breeze. A ray of light had cast through the darkness...how long had it been since those vainly sought after words had wafted upon tender, hushed breath into Remus' ears?
"It's been far...far too long..." Remus whispered, and held Sirius close. He could feel trembling arms around him and the gentle fall of tears as he ran a tender hand over the pale, rugged curve of Sirius' face. He didn't deserve such grace...and yet, it stood before him willingly, eagerly...
"I tried to fool myself once...but to no avail. I was so ashamed; so angry that I loved you in those years...Sirius," he said, and brought his gaze up to those liquid grey eyes...but he said nothing more. What he wished to say was more than spoken for in his intense gaze. He would no longer be tormented by that ravaging guilt...it had been washed clean.
"I love you too..."
'Why does my presense ail you so? I know that you aren't sleeping...just as I am not...I can see the strained anguish in your face as you lay there, pretending to slumber...the candles' flickering lights serve more purpose than to keep my own demons at bay...so many things that I should say...but no, that was long ago...we're all alone now...was it all just a dream? Remus...we had believed that it would all never end...never dreaming that it would all come crashing down on us in the blink of an eye...and I..I blame myself...if I hadn't been such a fool! If I hadn't urged James and Lily to change their Secret Keeper to Peter...none of this would have been...knowing that I inadvertantly sold out my best friend and his family...I, too, have known the guilt that keeps you awake...why do you pretend? Why do you hide the pain and torment behind that handsome, reassuring mask? I can see it all in your eyes...hidden in those beautiful silvery depths, I can see the pain...I'm not so thick to miss that...I know you too well...are your nights always this sleepless? Are they always like mine?'
Through the flashes of lightening, Sirius lay there, grey eyes ever attentive to the one upon the bed. Why..why had he done it? Why had he been so insistant upon Peter being Secret Keeper? So much pain and agony would have been prevented! But no...while their personal strife may have been prevented...the havoc that Voldemort was wreaking would've continued...and led to their deaths...perhaps it had been better this way...but Sirius couldn't see how. So many years had been lost to them...so many people had been taken...and now, though he was free from Azkaban, he still wandered, lost and alone in the darkness. After Remus' departure from Azkaban those 12 years ago, he had been nothing but lost...lost and alone in the night, for Remus had recoiled his gentle, leading hand in disgust...
"What have the years done to us?" he whispered, and closed his eyes sadly, gripping the bedding in his hands.
"They've hardened her hearts and broken our souls," came the soft reply. Sirius looked up in slight surprise; he hadn't expected a reply. He watched as the silhouetted figure sat up in bed, his features flickered gently in the dim candlelight. Through the darkness, past the faint dancing lights, Sirius could see a faint line of tears tracing down Remus' gently refined cheekbone. Instinctivly, Sirius reached his hand out to brush away those tears, but Remus waved his hand away gently, shaking his head.
"Remus...I-"
"Sirius," he interrupted softly, "Come sit up here with me for a moment..." he said gently, and put his hand on the bedding beside him. Hesitating, Sirius sat back a moment. "Please..."
The silent movements were almost inperceptible as Sirius took one of the candles in his hands, stood, and stepped quietly to the bedside. He could see the full of Remus' face now...such an expression of misery and defeat he had never seen upon that beautiful face...He sat down gently, his eyes fixed on Remus' expression with slight compassion and confusion.
"What is it, Remus?"
Remus remained silent for a moment, his gaze staring at the dark floor below him, and then, he took a breath, and looked up slowly, regarding Sirius with the gentlest of looks. He smiled a sad, longing smile, and sighed. "Sirius...do you remember how we used to be?" he paused for a moment, and laughed softly. "We believed everything we said to each other...everything about the future...only to see it collapse before our very eyes...we knew then that we would never be beyond each others' sights...that we'd always stand together, side by side...even when Voldemort made his rise to power, our firmness about it all never faltered...until..."
"Remus," Sirius said quickly, and put a hand on his shoulder, "I remember well...what happened after this..." His voice was strained and weary. "Tell me about...before that...please; give me something to smile about..."
Remus looked at him with mild surprise for a moment, then smiled, though it was pained and reluctant. He did not wish to relive his past...but, for a moment, as he looked into the eyes of his former lover, he saw a grave desire in those haunted grey eyes...a grave, insaitable yearning that pleaded for clarification...
"Don't let me drown in your memory, Remus...who am I? All I've known is Sirius Black, convicted murderer and traitor...but that's not who I am..." he paused, and looked deeply into Remus' eyes. "I am Sirius Black...wasn't I once a part of Remus Lupin too?"
His voice had gone soft and gentle, and slowly, he started to lean forward, lips parted slightly. This was all he wanted...a moment to relive the past and forget his 12 years of hell...just one moment...
Remus looked at him for moment, his face void of any expression. He took a shuddered breath and held it for a moment, and looked away. "You were...once...but no, don't..." he said, and realized as soon as the words had parted his lips that he hadn't said the proper thing.
Sirius' soft expression fell in that instant to one cold and icy as he regarded Remus' figure, bathed in blackness. Slowly, he sat back, nodding slowly...this scene was all too familiar for him...
"Too ashamed to even look at me; I might have known..." He said softly, his voice raising with quiet venom. The words that had plagued him so..."You sit here in this hell, thinking about your past and future and what might have been...you bastard; I feel no pity for you..."
Remus looked up sharply as he fell his defenses fall away. Those words...how cruel of him to use those words! Even crueler to know that he had remembered them to the very word all those years...
"Sirius-"
"What?" he demanded, grey eyes gleaming with anger. "Do you think I came all this way just to see you?" He laughed mirthlessly, then went silent, leaving the room in quiet tension. "Remus...after all these years of hearing those words ring in my head, I've learned that I really don't give a damn about what you think...I tried to fool myself all those years...and yes, I've wondered too...Why you let pathetic sentementality sway your judgement after my first betrayal, I'll never know. I guess once bitten twice shy doesn't apply to werewolves...I had hoped there might've been a next time; but I never dreamed that you'd actually be dead..." With that, he stood and started to walk away, his footfalls ringing cold on the wooden floors. "Good-bye, Remus..."
Remus watched him, and in an instant, he saw the memory reply through his mind...he saw it all from Sirius' point of view then...and he saw just what he might've done had he not already fallen into the depths of despair. Eyes narrowed, he stood, stepped forward, and grabbed Sirius' hand firmly. Without pretense, he pulled him back, gripped his arms, and pressed his lips firmly to his', not giving a damn about any protest he might give. He had waited for 14 years for reconiliation; it wasn't going to escape his grasp this time.
"What are you-" Sirius started to protest, but his angry words were smothered under the enrapturing caress that he was suddenly under the spell of. The firm, breathless waltz of two mouths was almost clumsy; a strange dance that he had once known but had forgotten long ago. In the split second of surprise he felt at the gripping kiss, Remus had pulled away and fixed him with an ardent, firm expression.
"I'm not dead yet," he said lowly, and swallowed as a single tear fell down the refined curve of his cheek. Sirius's eyes went a little wider at this, and, his hand trembling, he reached forward and wiped it away, his fingertips gracing the smoothness of that skin, the familiar curve of his beloved's face...had it really been so long? No...it didn't seem so now...
"Good...I didn't want to have to attend your funeral...I've been too close to both of our deathbeds..." Sirius said softly. There was another pause, and Remus then looked ashamed.
"Sirius...about what I said all those years ago..."
Sirius shook his head and pressed a finger to his lips. "It's okay...I forgave you a long time ago for that...I didn't misplace misjudgement for hatred as you did...but now you know...it's about time you forgave yourself..."
Gazing up into those compassionate eyes, Remus wondered for a moment why he had ever thought that this man could've betrayed them. He thought he had known him; thought he had memorized every personality quirk, every expression...and yet, he had been so wrong...
He shook his head and looked down from his face. "It's sad...that you should bind yourself to me..." Remus said guiltily. He couldn't face him, even after the tender judgement that Sirius had laid upon him. "I should've known you better than that...I should've known by the expression on your face when I spoke to you that you had been innocent...all those years we spent alone...all those months under the bane of the moon's light without you...all my fault..."
Suddenly, he a felt the strong grasp of Sirius' hand upon his chin as his eyes were brought up to meet those tempting grey orbs. They were set firm and yet comforting.
"Moony, don't you even think about blaming yourself for these trying years...even I find that, though it was I who convinced James to switch Secret Keepers...the only one to blame is Peter...for all his cowardice and infidelity..." he said, a few tones of spite creeping into his smooth voice.
Remus swallowed, and lowered his eyes. That old, worn nickname...the long symbol of their loyalty to one another; The Marauders...though beaten and tossed asunder through the years, when it fell from Sirius' lips, it seemed to sparkle anew, brightly against the parchment of Time.
"Moony..." Remus repeated, softly and slowly as though learning it anew. He looked up at Sirius, and bit his lip. "He was...an aquaintance of yours?" he asked, smiling slightly. He glanced out at the window, where the first rays of dawn were starting to touch the ground. "I haven't seen him in a long time...he's been running alone for many years, afraid to reconcile with his guilt..." Remus paused, and closed his eyes. "How could you have found forgivness for me...when I left you alone like that? You never left me...and that-that was how I repaid you?" he asked bitterly.
Sirius held him close. "Because, Remus..." he paused,and took a breath. The scent...traced with tea leaves and a slight hint of chocolate...in all these years, it hadn't changed...so muchhe remembered..so much he loved about Remus..."Because I love you..." he whispered, and closed his eyes. The words seemed so foreign on his lips..."I forgave you a long time ago..."
The words floated across Remus' conscience like leaves upon a gentle summer breeze. A ray of light had cast through the darkness...how long had it been since those vainly sought after words had wafted upon tender, hushed breath into Remus' ears?
"It's been far...far too long..." Remus whispered, and held Sirius close. He could feel trembling arms around him and the gentle fall of tears as he ran a tender hand over the pale, rugged curve of Sirius' face. He didn't deserve such grace...and yet, it stood before him willingly, eagerly...
"I tried to fool myself once...but to no avail. I was so ashamed; so angry that I loved you in those years...Sirius," he said, and brought his gaze up to those liquid grey eyes...but he said nothing more. What he wished to say was more than spoken for in his intense gaze. He would no longer be tormented by that ravaging guilt...it had been washed clean.
"I love you too..."