Meet the Parents

A/N: I'm sooooooo sorry for not writing for so long. *cowers* Can you ever forgive me? My muses abruptly left me. Cruel things, they are.

Dedication: To the Mystery Flavored Skittles, for giving me the inspiration to write this. *nods* Don't ask why. I'm just odd like that.

Chapter 15: Ain't No Mountain High Enough

~*~

Summer after fifth year

~*~

"So," Mrs. Evans asked slyly, wriggling her eyebrows at her daughter, "How are things with...James?"

Lily's cheeks flushed crimson, practically deepening to the shade of her fiery hair, and studied her sparkly fingernails while responding, "Fine."

"You're not going to be planning any weddings any time soon, are you?" Lily's mother teased.

"Don't worry," Lily responded with a wry smile. "Though Sirius has already started planning it...he's convinced we're destined for each other."

"Well, don't take this Sirius seriously-no pun intended-because then your daddy might have to hunt James down and hurt him."

Lily giggled. "Mum, I doubt Daddy could do James the slightest bit of harm."

"You never know," Mrs. Evans said, eyes sparkling. "Just stay away from the marriage thing, or your boyfriend's life may be in danger, and I'll have to talk you out of rushing into it."

"You have no need to worry, Mum," Lily said, smiling. "I doubt we'll be rushing into anything."

~*~

Present setting

~*~

Lily had never intended on rushing into marriage. When James had proposed, she'd been sure they'd stay engaged until both were successful and at least twenty years old.

Mrs. Potter, it seemed, had other ideas.

When the two came down for breakfast one morning, Mrs. Potter announced cheerfully, "The wedding's set to be here next Thursday. It'll be a small affair, naturally-only five hundred or so of our closest friends. The bridesmaid dresses are being made right now; by the way, Lily, Vanessa and Crystal will be your bridesmaids...I knew they were your closest friends, so I saved you the trouble of asking them. That darling daughter of the Warbecks-Celestina was her name, wasn't it?-will be singing. I've ordered Remus, Sirius, and Peter all matching dress robes for the occasion, and the event should be announced in the Daily Prophet today."

As soon as she said this (and all without taking a breath, quite impressively), an owl flew in and dropped a copy of the paper at her feet. Mrs. Potter picked it up and studied it for a moment before exclaiming in joy, "Yes! There it is!"

Wearing identical expressions of pure shock, Lily and James numbly glanced over her shoulder to confirm everything she'd just said. Sure enough, their wedding announcement was there in black and white.

"Er...Mum," James said uneasily.

"Yes, darling?"

"We were actually...er...planning not to rush into things."

"What are you saying?" asked Mrs. Potter immediately, her gaze falling intensely on her son.

"Um...we just sort of wanted to...wait a while."

"Ah, well, don't worry!" Mrs. Potter exclaimed cheerily. "Married life will be fine."

"Um...okay," said James wearily. "But Mum, do we even know five hundred people??"

"Of course," Mrs. Potter said brightly. "The Warbecks will be coming, along with the Snapes and the Lockharts-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," James held up one hand. "Severus Snape is not coming to my wedding."

"Why ever not, dear?" asked James's mother in surprise. "I find him to be a very...nice boy."

"Yeah, if you like the greasy, overgrown bat type!" James snapped back. "There is no way, I repeat, no way he is coming."

"Well, it's too late," Mrs. Potter announced crisply. "The invitations have already been sent."

"What??!!" groaned James.

"Dear, you'll just have to deal with it. Besides, surely some of your friends will be there! Like that delightful Gilderoy, he's so very charming-"

"Mum, stop or I'll be sick," James commanded.

"You're much too judgmental, James!" accused Mrs. Potter before turning to Lily. "Aren't Severus and Gilderoy perfectly nice young gentlemen?"

"Severus is all right," Lily responded truthfully, ignoring James as he pretended to gag. "And Gilderoy is...very...er...luscious."

Mrs. Potter studied her in confusion for a moment before saying, "Well, all right then, dear. I'd better be off; I was supposed to meet almost a quarter of an hour ago with Marguerite Delacour...very talented French designer, but a bit ill-tempered. She won't be pleased that I'm late, so I'll see you two later."

And with that, Mrs. Potter disappeared with a pop.

Very slowly, James turned to her, face fixed in an expression of utmost disgust.

"Luscious??" he asked, spitting the word out as though it pained him to say it.

"It was the first thing that came to mind!" Lily responded defensively.

"So, when you hear 'Gilderoy' you automatically think luscious??!!" James exclaimed in horror, studying her as though she had suddenly morphed into a lingerie-clad Severus Snape.

"His....he....I...ACK!"

"How come Gilderoy's luscious and I'm not?" James pouted, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Lily shrugged with a teasing smile. "Your locks just aren't luscious like his."

"He has dolly hair."

"Please!" Lily struggled to maintain a straight face. "He's very rugged and manly."

"He's probably scared of pixies."

"Ohhh, as if you're some big tough guy."

"Are you saying that I'm NOT??" James asked in shock.

"Please!" Lily laughed. "You're scrawny. I probably weigh more than you do."

"You're so defiant," James proclaimed. "And now I'm going to be stuck with you for the rest of my life."

"Like you could do better!" Lily retorted.

"Of course I could," James exclaimed. "You remember the good old days at Hogwarts when all the girls were fighting over me and I had to beat 'em off with sticks?"

"No, that seems to have escaped my memory," Lily responded, a smile playing around the corners of her lips.

"Well, don't you go thinking it didn't happen, 'cause it did!" said James haughtily. "You were just too blinded by your love for me to notice."

"As a matter of fact, I could see perfectly clearly!" Lily said. "And the only girl I can remember liking you besides me was that awful old Slytherin Rita Skeeter who was only still at Hogwarts because she'd had to redo sixth year twice."

"See? The older women love me!"

Lily wrinkled her nose. "Well, I suppose....if you could call her a woman."

"Men don't wear huge magenta fake fingernails!"

A sly smile danced across Lily's face. "I wouldn't talk."

"Shut up," James commanded crossly. "That was a curse...it wasn't by choice."

"Oh, yeah right," Lily teased. "I bet you were begging Sirius to curse your nails pink."

"You know, you're making it sound as though you want a future husband who enjoys having magenta fingernails," James said, "And in that case, I'd advise that you leave me for dear ol' Gildy."

"Oooh, very clever."

"Could you expect anything else from me?" James struck a thoughtful pose, slowly fingering an imaginary goatee.

Lily rolled her eyes.

"No comment."

~*~

"For the love of God," groaned Mr. Evans as he sank down into one of the Leaky Cauldron's tables for breakfast, "Can we just go home??"

"No," Mrs. Evans immediately snapped back.

"But we're never going to find them!" Mr. Evans moaned.

A frighteningly perky Sirius proclaimed, "Not with that attitude, we're not! But you've got to be optimistic, buddy! Sure, they could be chilling with the brown bears in Alaska by now, but you've got to look on the bright side!"

"Which is...?" Mr. Evans asked dryly.

"You're on a whirlwind adventure with your beautiful wife and me, of course!"

"Yay," deadpanned Mr. Evans.

"And no matter what," Sirius continued, "I'll be there for you, Pops."

"Pops?!" Mr. Evans exclaimed.

However, before he could rant any further, a snap from Sirius's fingers caused background music to begin blasting from the napkin dispenser.

"What the-?"

"Listen baby!" Sirius belted out soulfully, earning more than a few puzzled glances from innocent bystanders trying to enjoy their breakfast in peace.

"Oh, God, no," Mr. Evans groaned in despondency.

"Ain't no mountain high, ain't no valley low, ain't no river wide enough, baby!" he continued, warbling horribly off-key and paying no mind whatsoever to the fact that their breakfast dishes were beginning to tremble on the table.

"If you need me, call me!" Sirius proclaimed, making dramatic gestures with his hands. "No matter where you are, no matter how far! Don't worry baby!"

An elderly man who had been watching in terror collapsed onto the floor in a dead faint, and the majority of the customers were rubbing their ears as they watched, wide-eyed, in horrified silence.

"Just call my name and I'll be there in a hurry!" he promised, winking at a little girl who quickly burst into hysterical sobs. Instead of comforting her, however, her mother burst into a fit of tears as well, and the two clung to each other, silently praying to make it out of this life-threatening experience in one piece.

"You don't have to worry!" he continued, climbing up onto the table and wiggling his hips in time to the music blasting from the napkin dispenser. "'Cause you know that..."

He paused dramatically before grabbing Mrs. Evans's hand and pulling her up onto the table with him. A piece of squished toast flew at Mr. Evans, followed with reckless abandon by eggs and a half-eaten chunk of sausage. He managed to escape all three before unfortunately being doused with orange juice.

"There ain't no mountain high enough!" Sirius squealed. Mrs. Evans was smiling gingerly and fingering her ears. "Ain't no valley low enough!"

A teenage girl let out a horrified shriek before running for dear life, but no one seemed to notice due to the fact that it sounded exactly like Sirius's singing. However, when the whole crowd saw her running at top speed they quickly followed suit.

"Ain't no riiiiver wide enough!" Sirius waved his hand passionately, eyes closed and mouth hanging open, "To keep me from getting to youuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!"

At the last eardrum-breaking note, the collection of glasses placed at the bar shattered, causing different beverages to soak the room. Sirius, however, paid no notice as he bowed gallantly.

"Thank you," he said graciously, "Thank you, I'll be here for as long as you'd like! Thank you-"

"Sirius, Sirius," Mrs. Evans said gently, her voice much louder than it would have been if her ears were able to function normally, "No one's here anymore."

He looked up immediately. "Oh. Okay, then."

He then proceeded to climb down from the table, only to cause Mr. Evans, who had been rolling around on the ground writhing in pain, to let out a scream.

"Sorry there," Sirius said easily, then stared in awe around the empty room.

"It's amazing," he announced sincerely, "how true talent can scare people off these days, isn't it??"