A/N: As Twixxa and Crys suggested, I am blaming it on the Vanilla Coke.
Disclaimer: 'You Sexy Thing' is not mine, nor do I want it to be. The Olive Eyes belong to Twixxa, but don't let 'er use 'em on you or you may not live to tell the tale.
Chapter 16: All Hell Breaks Loose (Again)
Now, my dear readers, by this time, you have most likely all concluded that James and Lily are at the Potters' mansion, which isn't all that hard to figure out, seeing as I, the author, said they were there. And besides that, well, it is James's house.
You'd think that they'd be there, right?
Well, this little thought seemed to escape the mind of Sirius Black.
"I'm so sorry I've failed you, Mrs. Evans!" he sobbed miserably as they stepped into the Evans residence, Mr. Evans looking as though he were moments away from his death.
"It's all right, Sirius dear," Mrs. Evans responded, patting him lightly on the shoulder. "We aren't blaming it on you-"
A loud fit of hacking coughs from Mr. Evans interrupted his wife.
Glaring menacingly at him, she continued, "You did try your best."
At this, Frank fell to the floor in an attack of convulsive coughing, hacking and gacking like a consumptive courtesan.
"Frank, you're not another Camille," Mrs. Evans reminded him dryly before consulting her watch. "Ugh, three in the morning...I'm going to go upstairs, get changed, and go to bed."
"Oh, me too-"
"Couch, Frank!" barked Mrs. Evans immediately.
"Yes, ma'am," Mr. Evans quickly agreed with a visible wince. "I-"
However, he fell silent as the stairs creaked audibly. All three froze and listened to the (apparently rather large) intruder make their way down the stairs.
"There's no way that's Petunia," muttered Mr. Evans.
"Unless she's gained a lot of weight since we left," Sirius added. "You know, emotional stress."
The unidentified blob of lard continued down the stairs and across the living room, and the three waited in breathless anticipation to see who it could be.
"I'll curse 'em!" Sirius was muttering wildly. "Oh, I'll curse 'em good! I'll-"
"Shut up," Mr. Evans ordered, then immediately howled in pain as Mrs. Evans slammed her three-inch high heel onto his foot.
He fell silent once more, however, as the sound of singing that was almost as wretched as Sirius's filled the air.
"I believe in miracles!" the voice proclaimed. "Where you from? You sexy thing! Oh, sexy thing you!"
"Okay, apparently our intruder is extremely horny," Sirius reported in a low, suave tone.
"Yesterday," continued the horny unidentified blob of lard, "I was one of them lonely people! And now you're lying next to me, giving it to me!"
This was too much for all three of them.
"Show yourself! I'm armed!" Mr. Evans shouted in his voice he usually put aside to use only for his daughters' boyfriends.
"With what, Frank?" Mrs. Evans hissed.
"Give me your shoe," Mr. Evans ordered.
"What?!"
"Those things can be lethal."
Rolling her eyes, Mrs. Evans removed one of her heels and handed it to Frank, who held it as though it were a gun rather than half of a pair of on-sale shoes that she'd gotten 30% off.
Inching slowly towards the now-silent intruder, Mr. Evans flung on the living room lights only to reveal...
....
Are you sure you really wanna know?
....
Really sure??
Because I wouldn't want to know if I were you.
....
This is worse than Dumbledore and McGonagall, you know.
....
Much worse.
....
Fine...if you're sure. You asked for it.
....
Don't say I didn't warn you.
....
Inching slowly towards the now-silent intruder, Mr. Evans flung on the living room lights only to reveal....
Vernon Dursley! (See, I told you.)
And well, my dears, if you thought that was bad enough, he happened to be clad in nothing but a pair of leopard-print briefs.
Ugh.
"Vernon!" Mr. Evans immediately boomed a la Monster Dad. "What the hell are you doing here?!?! And where are your clothes?!"
"Er..." Vernon cleared his throat. "Um, well, you see, I-"
"Don't try to hide it," Sirius immediately cut in, glaring daggers at Vernon. "We all heard you and your little song!"
"I...er...I honestly don't know what you mean-"
"Oh really?" Sirius asked quizzically, raising an eyebrow. "Well, let me refresh your memory!"
He snapped his fingers, and immediately the background music for everyone's former favorite song that has now been plagued eternally by Vernon began to pulsate through the room.
Sirius shook his hips over-exaggeratedly to the beat, chanting, "So sexy! So sexy!"
Mr. and Mrs. Evans had but their hands firmly over their ears, aware of what was to come. Vernon, however, just stared in horror at Sirius.
"I believe in miracles!" Sirius announced with a roguish wink. "Where you from? You sexy thing! Oh, you sexy thing you-"
"STOP!" Mrs. Evans shouted. Immediately the music fell to a wavering halt.
Mr. Evans removed his hands from his ears, eyes flashing a terrifying shade of olive. He gave off the air of someone who had been possessed.
"How dare you lay a hand on my daughter!" he shouted, nostrils flaring, before charging at Vernon. However, the impact of the charge didn't go as successfully as he may have wished, seeing as he just bounced off of the many layers of flab and collapsed onto the couch.
But if at first you don't succeed, try try again!
"Go Frank-o!" cheered Sirius, bouncing up and down and waving his arms. "Hit 'im with a chair!"
Frank, however, didn't take the time to stop and consider the suggestion. Instead, he flung himself at Vernon again and actually succeeded in causing him to move roughly a centimeter away from the spot he'd been standing a moment ago.
One who has a grand gift for exaggeration may have called it a push.
Emphasizing the may have.
Mrs. Evans opened her mouth to cheer for her husband (more because he was losing pathetically and needed the encouragement rather than anything else), but then realized that she had bound him to an eternity of sleeping on the couch and instead let Sirius do all the cheering.
"Frank-o, Frank-o, he's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!"
"You stay away from MY DAUGHTER!!!!" Mr. Evans screamed, pounding with reckless abandon on Vernon's chest.
"Wait a second," Sirius said. The whole scene seemed to pause. "Frank-o, do you really care if your daughter gets knocked up? I mean, she's a snotty bitch. And then they'll get married and he'll sell his drills or whatever, and who knows? Maybe James and Lil will get themselves blown up or something and Petunia will have to spend the rest of her life raising their child (let's call 'im Harry) who will amount to great things while their other kid....Dudley, let's call him Dudley, will sit around and get fatter and fatter until he can't fit outside the door."
They all stared blankly at him for a moment, Vernon rather insulted because he'd always liked the name Dudley.
However, after a five-second long pause, Mr. Evans just grunted and continued without success to try to beat up Vernon.
"Bash 'im with a chair! Bash 'im with a chair!" chanted Sirius.
This time, Mr. Evans actually processed the advice in his head, and, with a devilish cackle and frighteningly olive eyes, he lifted the rocking chair in the corner and was about to bring it down upon Vernon's rather thick skull when-
"Aaaah!"
The whole scene froze again, and they all stared up to see Petunia clad in black and extremely lacy (not to mention revealing) lingerie.
"You know," said Sirius thoughtfully, "I might have enjoyed that outfit had it not been worn by the Two Legged Horse."
Petunia gasped in horror at that oh-so-hurtful insult, but the comments were not yet over.
"Petunia!" Mrs. Evans shrieked. "What are you wearing?! Never have I seen something more revealing, more lewd-"
"You look like a whore," Sirius threw in.
"Shut up, Sirius!" Mrs. Evans scolded. "Now, Petunia, this is just a disgrace to our family! Never before has an Evans woman worn something so inappropriate, so raunchy, so-"
"I've seen that before," Mr. Evans interrupted.
"Daddy, please don't tell me you've been going through Mum's Victoria's Secret catalogs again," groaned Petunia.
"Er, no," Mrs. Evans said sheepishly, studying the ground. "That's mine."
Everyone's eyes fell upon her, but Mrs. Evans continued in her no-nonsense tone.
"But Petunia, you shouldn't go around digging in other peoples' drawers," she lectured. "Now, if you knew what your father and I had done while I was wearing that, I'm sure you would have rethought your decision to wear it."
Both Petunia and Sirius's mouths dropped open in pure disgust, and they looked as though they were going to lose consciousness at any moment.
"Okay," Mrs. Evans said sternly. "This has gone far enough. Vernon; for the love of God and all things sacred, get dressed and leave. Sirius, you can sleep in the guest room where James stayed. Frank; couch. Petunia; you can keep the lingerie, I have a feeling that I don't want to wear it anymore. Now everyone, get to bed."
And within five minutes, everyone was settled in bed (with the exception of Vernon, who was thankfully gone) without a care in the world, with no idea that Lily and James would be Mr. and Mrs. Potter in eight short hours...