I've heard it said that you will never find a love that even compares to your first love.

Well, whoever said that, they lied.

Don't get me wrong, I still love Lucky. I think that I will always love him. I was not the one that gave up on us and I do not blame him for giving up on us. I blame Helena.

I can place the blame anywhere but it still does not change the outcome. We are not the same people we were when we fell in love and I finally learned to accept that. I only wish I had come to this conclusion before I caught Lucky with my sister.

When Lucky came back he expected me to be the same person he left. The naïve, frightened, sixteen year old girl that he had saved. But I could not go back to being that girl, even if I wanted to, and I did want to. I tried with all my heart but I guess that wasn't enough.

I had grown up. I had changed. The obligation I felt towards Lucky kept me with him and away from my second love, Jason.

Just like Lucky had found me bleeding in the snow, I found Jason bleeding in the snow. At the time, Lucky was not in my life and I needed something to fill that void.

I had only met Jason once or twice before I found him that fateful day. But he needed me and I would never deny any human being help.

I lied to protect him. I risked my relationship with my gram, Nikolas, and Emily to help Jason. And when I made that decision, my life changed.

Jason helped me become the person I am today. I am a strong individual and I owe him everything. He helped me get over Lucky when I nursed him back to health. I found a genuine friend that day in the snow.

But I found so much more than that.

I never thought much about the repercussions of becoming Jason's ally. I never even thought much about what he did, it was the furthest thing from my mind. He did warn me about his business and the consequences but I never did listen. The only Jason I knew was the man that I found in the snow that day. He was a kind, compassionate, decent man and I never once thought of him as a mobster or an enforcer.

Your job does not define the person you are. That is especially true with him. It surprises me that such a man could be a mob enforcer, but I never once let that affect our relationship.

To me he is just plain Jason.

I've had so many people tell me to stay away from him but I never suspected that he would.

I know that he is just trying to keep me safe. He feels responsible for my kidnapping, the bomb in my studio, and as of late, my wounded arm. But I do not blame him for any of it.

He keeps trying to push me away to protect me. I know that he only wants the best for me but I do not understand why he cannot see that every time he pushes me away I do just the opposite. I want him in my life and I will not accept him forcing me out of his when I know, and he knows, how we really feel about eachother.

I was surprised to see him at Kristina's funeral. The whole time Alexis was mourning, yelling, and placing blame, I just wanted to run over to him and tell him that he was not responsible.

Alexis made it her mission to make Sonny and Jason feel responsible for Kristina's death. But Alexis was all too aware of their business and the risks that came along with it. She knew that Sonny and Jason would both put their lives on the line to save any innocent person but I can also understand how she might feel betrayed.

When Nikolas asked us all to leave my first instinct was to find Jason. I wanted to tell him that Kristina's death was not his fault. I wanted to tell him that he needs to stop blaming himself for things that are out of his control. He already has a world of burden on his shoulders; he does not need any more pain or grief.

When I found him he told me to leave, to be safe away from him. But I did not want to be safe, I wanted to be happy. He makes me happy.

I know that he thinks it will never work. I know he wants me to stay away and learn to live life without him so I will never be in danger. But a normal life still has other dangers and I'm not afraid of anything when he is around. He makes me feel safe.

He makes me feel complete.

I know I can always depend on him and that is what keeps me going. Even when I was caught it the crypt, not a moment passed where I thought for one second he would not find me. That is how much faith I have in him. If only he had that much faith in himself.

I know that if he believed he could protect me then this barrier would not be between us.

I see Carly and Sonny so happy with their life and Michael that I cannot help but wonder what could be if he would only open up to me. I know that he would do anything to protect me and keep me safe and we could have what they have, a wonderful once-in-a-lifetime kind of love.

My mind flashes back to the park so many years ago. He offered me the world and I choose Lucky.

I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I choose him. If I had taken his hand and we had gone off to Italy. Would we be as happy as Sonny and Carly? Would we be living each day to the end of our days in such bliss that nothing could come between us?

I will never know because I choose a different path.

I am here now and the more he tries to push me away the more I fight it. I know that our love is worth fighting for and I will continue to fight until he realizes that I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to run away from what we have.

My head tells me to listen to him and separate myself from him before somebody else gets hurt. Before something happens that neither of us can fix.

But my heart will not let me let him go. My faith in him and in our love I trust with all of my heart.

I trust him with my life and with my heart, forever.