I knew that she would be at Kelly's. I just wanted to look at her, take in
the site of her, and then leave.
Or maybe I wanted to be caught by her, talk to her, be alone with her.
But I shouldn't be alone with her. It brings up too many issues. But I couldn't help myself.
I told her that I wanted coffee. She offered to sit with me but I said it was not a good idea. It's not. If someone saw us together, she could get into more danger. That is the last thing that I want for her.
I want her to be safe. And being safe means staying away from me.
But she just brushed off all danger saying that she doubted anyone would shoot us at Kelly's. With this new guy, Alcazar, you never know.
I knew that I should leave but I stayed. I helped her with the door. I let her bandage my hand.
But she knew why I was really there. It wasn't for coffee.
She brought up the issue of us and immediately I had to change the subject. Being there alone with her made me want to tell her everything.
I think I would have if Zander hadn't come.
God, we were walking back to her place. Anything could have happened.
Anything.
My thoughts drift back to that night when she caught Lucky with her sister. All she wanted was a body and I was there.
God, her kiss, her touch. . . I can still feel it when I close my eyes.
So I try not to close my eyes so much anymore. But as much as I try to let go of her she won't let me.
I know that it is better that we never made love. The repercussions and what it would do to our already confusing relationship is more stress then either of us need.
But every time I see her all I want is her. Her heart, her soul, her love. And I know I could have all that, everything that I could ever want, if I opened up to her and stopped trying to push her away.
If I told her how I really feel.
The truth.
Zander came and I could tell how much she really wanted to walk home with me. But I left. I had to leave.
She knows how much she is hurting me. I know she doesn't mean to. I told her straight out that she should be with Zander. I meant it, he is safer then I ever will be.
Sure, he makes stupid mistakes and does not think things through, but he is not as far in the game as I am.
And I know that he will protect her.
But it still hurts. The thought of them together. I can still see them from that night when she took him to her bed.
I wonder why she did not take me.
If I had been there. If I had been the one there first, would that be us?
But I will never know.
I will never know her touch or her love because we cannot be together. For as much as I want her, I want to protect her more. I would rather her live a thousand lives without me, safely, then live one life with me in danger.
I know what I am doing is best but my heart aches every time I think about what I am losing by never truly knowing her love.
But I made a decision to come into this life. It is my choice to keep her out of it and keep her safe.
She is young, she will get over me.
I keep telling myself that I will get over her. I tried before when I ran away. The night that she choose Lucky over me, I ran. But eventually your problems catch up with you and you cannot run forever. So I came back. But I'm afraid I might have to run again. But not from her relationship with Lucky or Zander, but from my heart and my feelings for her.
My love for her.
I know she understands why I push her away but she does not want me too.
I do not want to either. It hurts so much.
But my pain does not even compare to the pain I would feel if I lost her to this life. This life I choose.
Just the other night I almost died inside. Her blood on my hands. That was the worst feeling in the world. It was far worse then the pain I feel when I push her away.
I knew she was going to pull through. She is so strong that no miracle was needed.
But my hands are still stained with her blood. With Kristina's blood. With the blood of the innocent and the guilty.
But she is alive. I want her to stay that way. I do not want more of her blood on my hands.
She is safe tonight because we are not together.
She is with Zander.
I am alone.
I will always be alone.
Or maybe I wanted to be caught by her, talk to her, be alone with her.
But I shouldn't be alone with her. It brings up too many issues. But I couldn't help myself.
I told her that I wanted coffee. She offered to sit with me but I said it was not a good idea. It's not. If someone saw us together, she could get into more danger. That is the last thing that I want for her.
I want her to be safe. And being safe means staying away from me.
But she just brushed off all danger saying that she doubted anyone would shoot us at Kelly's. With this new guy, Alcazar, you never know.
I knew that I should leave but I stayed. I helped her with the door. I let her bandage my hand.
But she knew why I was really there. It wasn't for coffee.
She brought up the issue of us and immediately I had to change the subject. Being there alone with her made me want to tell her everything.
I think I would have if Zander hadn't come.
God, we were walking back to her place. Anything could have happened.
Anything.
My thoughts drift back to that night when she caught Lucky with her sister. All she wanted was a body and I was there.
God, her kiss, her touch. . . I can still feel it when I close my eyes.
So I try not to close my eyes so much anymore. But as much as I try to let go of her she won't let me.
I know that it is better that we never made love. The repercussions and what it would do to our already confusing relationship is more stress then either of us need.
But every time I see her all I want is her. Her heart, her soul, her love. And I know I could have all that, everything that I could ever want, if I opened up to her and stopped trying to push her away.
If I told her how I really feel.
The truth.
Zander came and I could tell how much she really wanted to walk home with me. But I left. I had to leave.
She knows how much she is hurting me. I know she doesn't mean to. I told her straight out that she should be with Zander. I meant it, he is safer then I ever will be.
Sure, he makes stupid mistakes and does not think things through, but he is not as far in the game as I am.
And I know that he will protect her.
But it still hurts. The thought of them together. I can still see them from that night when she took him to her bed.
I wonder why she did not take me.
If I had been there. If I had been the one there first, would that be us?
But I will never know.
I will never know her touch or her love because we cannot be together. For as much as I want her, I want to protect her more. I would rather her live a thousand lives without me, safely, then live one life with me in danger.
I know what I am doing is best but my heart aches every time I think about what I am losing by never truly knowing her love.
But I made a decision to come into this life. It is my choice to keep her out of it and keep her safe.
She is young, she will get over me.
I keep telling myself that I will get over her. I tried before when I ran away. The night that she choose Lucky over me, I ran. But eventually your problems catch up with you and you cannot run forever. So I came back. But I'm afraid I might have to run again. But not from her relationship with Lucky or Zander, but from my heart and my feelings for her.
My love for her.
I know she understands why I push her away but she does not want me too.
I do not want to either. It hurts so much.
But my pain does not even compare to the pain I would feel if I lost her to this life. This life I choose.
Just the other night I almost died inside. Her blood on my hands. That was the worst feeling in the world. It was far worse then the pain I feel when I push her away.
I knew she was going to pull through. She is so strong that no miracle was needed.
But my hands are still stained with her blood. With Kristina's blood. With the blood of the innocent and the guilty.
But she is alive. I want her to stay that way. I do not want more of her blood on my hands.
She is safe tonight because we are not together.
She is with Zander.
I am alone.
I will always be alone.