Assassin:
I was walking . . .
Amazon:
Not this again! (Points javelin at Assassin.)
Interviewer:
Maybe you should skip to the part where you actually got to the Rouge Encampment.
Assassin:
Oh yes. The druid was there.
Druid:
I was! Oh yeah. We didn't exactly get along then.
Paladin:
You still don't.
Druid:
Right.
Assassin:
Well anyway then the Amazon came.
Amazon:
You better believe it!
Assassin:
Then the Barbarian.
Barbarian:
Huh?
Assassin:
Then the Sorceress and the Necromancer
Necromancer:
Tell them about the omens!
Sorceress:
Shut up Necromancer
Assassin:
Who's left?
Paladin:
What about me!
Assassin:
Oh yes the Paladin was the last to arrive!
Paladin:
No I wasn't! The Necromancer was!
Necromancer:
The omens told me to be the last to arrive!
Sorceress:
As I understand you were not keeping up with your omen watching then.
Necromancer:
What! Who told you that!
Sorceress:
The omens . . .
Necromancer:
WHAT!
Sorceress:
Just kidding. You told me.
Assassin:
Can I tell the story already!
Everybody:
NO!
Assassin:
Ah, come on. I won't share my pipe with you guys then!
Druid:
Just let her tell the story.
Amazon:
You always take her side, Druid!
Druid:
She has me under some sort of spell I tell you!
Necromancer:
The Omens!
Barbarian:
I thought only the Sorceress knew spells.
Assassin:
(Clears throat) I'm telling my story now.
Interviewer:
Go ahead Assassin.
Amazon:
Lesbian!
Sorceress:
Now Amazon, be nice to our interviewer. Or else I'll have to tranquilize you again.
Amazon:
I'll be good! No prob!
Sorceress:
Tell your story Assassin. I'm curious to see what you thought of us all when we all met at the Rouge Encampment.
Assassin:
We'll I was already up to date on everything that was going one and had already killed Blood Raven by the time everybody got there . . .
Druid:
What!
Barbarian:
Are you sure? I thought for sure we all helped kill someone by that name.
Paladin:
She's lying again.
Assassin:
. . . And everybody was asking for my help because clearly I was the strongest one there . . .
Amazon:
How dare ya say that!
Paladin:
I know it is wrong to brag, but clearly I of all people am the strongest.
Druid:
Dream on Paladin!
Barbarian:
I thought everybody agreed that I was the strongest.
Assassin:
Y'all are so silly! You all said I was the strongest and begged me to join your little team so we could save the world!
Amazon:
That's it! She's going down!
Sorceress:
This time I agree with you Amazon. Assassin, this time your lies have gone too far.
Druid:
I'm not standing up for you anymore, Assassin.
Paladin:
You're going down!
Interviewer:
I just wanted the truth!
Barbarian:
FIGHT!
Necromancer:
The omens tell of great pain in your future, Assassin!
(Everyone including the Interviewer, all jumped on the Assassin and um, punched her.)
Interviewer:
So we never did get to find out what the Assassin's real story was, because everybody decided to beat her up for telling lies. We all gave her seven black eyes (since that's the magic number now). She walked a little ways off smoking her pipe with not just two black eyes but seven. Believe me it's somehow possible. Then the druid who was the second person who made it to the camp started telling the story.
The Druids story
Druid:
Well I was in my cave . . .
Amazon:
Ya live in a cave?
Druid:
Yes.
Amazon:
Just wanted to get that clarified.
Druid:
Well I was interpreting some wall carving left there by the ancient cave men. Well one day my pet wolves . . .
Amazon:
Ya have pet wolves?
Druid:
Well, yes!
Amazon:
Just wanted to get that clarified as well.
Druid:
Anyway my pet wolves came upon me while I was interpreting the carvings and told me some very important news!
Barbarian:
What was it!
Druid:
You'll soon find out in the flashback scene coming up next
Flashback to wolf scene.
I had been spending a total of 346 days trying to interpret all the carvings. Apparently cave man had a lot of time on their hands. I was still trying to figure out one drawing of these three spider-looking things. I had already interpreted the evil cow scene and the flaming fetish scene, but this one scene was a puzzle to me.
Suddenly all 160 of my wolves ran up to me causing an earthquake. I quickly ran over to the only decoration I have in my cave and caught it before it toppled over.
~~~
Paladin:
What was it?
Druid:
A vase.
Sorceress:
Oh was it from the Martha Sanctuary selection?
Druid:
Um. No, it was just a vase I found--carved out of rock by ancient cave man.
Amazon:
How do you know it wasn't just a rock?
Druid:
Because it clearly had a vase-like shape! Now will you let me continue with the flashback scene!
Interviewer:
Go ahead Druid.
Amazon:
Stupid interviewer!
~~~
Flashback to wolf scene continued.
My wolves finally all gathered in my cave after 10 minutes of causing the earthquake and I stopped my interpreting because I could tell they had something important to say.
"What is it my dear, faithful, strong and fierce Canine comrades and followers who can run faster than the wind and eat faster that a speeding bullet?
Barbarian:
What's a bullet?
Paladin:
And how do they eat?
Amazon:
Can you get to the point here?
Druid:
They answered me in one alarming word.
Barbarian:
What!
Druid:
They all said at once, "WOLF!"
(There is a moment of silence here)
Amazon:
What does "wolf!" mean?
Sorceress:
Is there an interpretation for this?
Necromancer:
My omens do not tell me anything about this!
Paladin:
I get it! It was the wolf who cried "wolf!" Wait that doesn't make sense!
Amazon:
Druid! We don't know wolf language!
Sorceress:
Tell us what they said translated into our language.
Druid:
Oh yes. "Wolf!" means "Hello!"
Barbarian:
I don't get it!
Necromancer:
You wouldn't!
Paladin:
What did these canines say next?
Druid:
Then they said, "Wolf! Wolf!"
Sorceress:
What does that translate too?
Druid:
That translates to "Hello, Hello!"
Necromancer:
What!
Barbarian:
I still don't get it!
Amazon:
And let me guess, "Wolf, Wolf, Wolf!" Translates to "Hello, Hello, Hello!"
Druid:
No that translates to "Hello, Hello, Goodbye!"
Necromancer:
Grr!
Sorceress:
Could you just skip to the translation since none of us know . . . the wolf language. You know, you and the Assassin are a lot alike!
Amazon:
They are perfect for each other!
Necromancer:
The omens tell me there is something between you and the Assassin.
Amazon:
And it ain't just air!
Barbarian:
I don't get it!
Paladin:
Is that all you say Barbarian!
Sorceress:
It does seem odd. Now that I think about it, the Assassin and Druid are indeed the perfect couple!
Druid:
No we're not!
Necromancer:
I see little baby Druids and Assassins in the future!
Amazon:
Now that's a disturbing image!
Interviewer:
Can we just get on with the story?
Amazon:
Stupid Interviewer.
Interviewer:
I have a feeling she doesn't like me!
Amazon:
Naw! Ya just figured that out.
Sorceress:
Be nice to our interviewer Amazon. She is your ticket to fame. You don't want me to get the tranquilizer gun out do you?
Amazon:
NO! I'll be good!
Druid:
You know you remind me of my wolves!
Amazon:
Are ya calling me a dog?!
Druid:
No I . . .
Paladin:
Though dogs and wolves belong in the same species they are indeed different in genus.
Amazon:
Thanks for that useless bit of information! I still say ya were calling me a dog, Druid!
Druid:
No, I wasn't . . .
Amazon:
I'll kill you!
Barbarian:
Fight!
Necromancer:
The omens tell me to get the tranquilizer gun, Sorceress.
Sorceress:
Good idea!
Interviewer:
So after the Amazon was tranquilized a second time the Druid continued on with his story.
Druid:
I simply wanted to say that my wolves gave me a very vital bit of information. This is what they said:
Wolf! Woof, woof, HOOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLL! Growl! WolF! HOWL! Bark bark! Meow! Screech! Wolf. HHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLL. Bite! GRRRR! Scream! Woof, Woof! Bark! HOWL! meow.
Paladin:
I don't quite follow.
Necromancer:
What was all that about?
Barbarian:
I didn't know wolves talked like that!
Sorceress:
(sigh) I didn't know wolves had such a varied language but could you skip to the translation already, sir?
Druid:
Oh yes. Sorry. This is what it translates to:
"Hello O' Great Druid sir! Our acute noses have just sniffed out trouble brewing in the West. It is rumored that Diablo walks the earth again! We have smelled great evil at a small Rouge Encampment in the West. You should go there and kill the great evil known as Diablo. May your nose be as acute as ours!"
Then they ran back out of the cave, causing another earthquake. After I saved my only decoration the vase, I finally realized the interpretation of the three spiders! They weren't really spiders, but three Demons! They were Diablo, Mephisto, and Baal! And that is how I found myself following behind a beautiful Assassin at the Rouge Encampment!
Paladin:
Druid and Assassin sittin' in a tree!
Sorceress:
Spooky!
Barbarian:
Are you sure wolves can talk?
Necromancer:
Shut up Barbarian!
Paladin:
Shut up Necromancer!
Sorceress:
Be quite Paladin!
Barbarian:
Don't talk Sorceress!
Necromancer:
Shut up Barbarian!
Paladin:
Shut up Necromancer!
Sorceress:
Be quite Paladin!
Barbarian:
Don't talk Sorceress!
Necromancer:
Shut up Barbarian!
Interviewer:
Here we go again!
I was walking . . .
Amazon:
Not this again! (Points javelin at Assassin.)
Interviewer:
Maybe you should skip to the part where you actually got to the Rouge Encampment.
Assassin:
Oh yes. The druid was there.
Druid:
I was! Oh yeah. We didn't exactly get along then.
Paladin:
You still don't.
Druid:
Right.
Assassin:
Well anyway then the Amazon came.
Amazon:
You better believe it!
Assassin:
Then the Barbarian.
Barbarian:
Huh?
Assassin:
Then the Sorceress and the Necromancer
Necromancer:
Tell them about the omens!
Sorceress:
Shut up Necromancer
Assassin:
Who's left?
Paladin:
What about me!
Assassin:
Oh yes the Paladin was the last to arrive!
Paladin:
No I wasn't! The Necromancer was!
Necromancer:
The omens told me to be the last to arrive!
Sorceress:
As I understand you were not keeping up with your omen watching then.
Necromancer:
What! Who told you that!
Sorceress:
The omens . . .
Necromancer:
WHAT!
Sorceress:
Just kidding. You told me.
Assassin:
Can I tell the story already!
Everybody:
NO!
Assassin:
Ah, come on. I won't share my pipe with you guys then!
Druid:
Just let her tell the story.
Amazon:
You always take her side, Druid!
Druid:
She has me under some sort of spell I tell you!
Necromancer:
The Omens!
Barbarian:
I thought only the Sorceress knew spells.
Assassin:
(Clears throat) I'm telling my story now.
Interviewer:
Go ahead Assassin.
Amazon:
Lesbian!
Sorceress:
Now Amazon, be nice to our interviewer. Or else I'll have to tranquilize you again.
Amazon:
I'll be good! No prob!
Sorceress:
Tell your story Assassin. I'm curious to see what you thought of us all when we all met at the Rouge Encampment.
Assassin:
We'll I was already up to date on everything that was going one and had already killed Blood Raven by the time everybody got there . . .
Druid:
What!
Barbarian:
Are you sure? I thought for sure we all helped kill someone by that name.
Paladin:
She's lying again.
Assassin:
. . . And everybody was asking for my help because clearly I was the strongest one there . . .
Amazon:
How dare ya say that!
Paladin:
I know it is wrong to brag, but clearly I of all people am the strongest.
Druid:
Dream on Paladin!
Barbarian:
I thought everybody agreed that I was the strongest.
Assassin:
Y'all are so silly! You all said I was the strongest and begged me to join your little team so we could save the world!
Amazon:
That's it! She's going down!
Sorceress:
This time I agree with you Amazon. Assassin, this time your lies have gone too far.
Druid:
I'm not standing up for you anymore, Assassin.
Paladin:
You're going down!
Interviewer:
I just wanted the truth!
Barbarian:
FIGHT!
Necromancer:
The omens tell of great pain in your future, Assassin!
(Everyone including the Interviewer, all jumped on the Assassin and um, punched her.)
Interviewer:
So we never did get to find out what the Assassin's real story was, because everybody decided to beat her up for telling lies. We all gave her seven black eyes (since that's the magic number now). She walked a little ways off smoking her pipe with not just two black eyes but seven. Believe me it's somehow possible. Then the druid who was the second person who made it to the camp started telling the story.
The Druids story
Druid:
Well I was in my cave . . .
Amazon:
Ya live in a cave?
Druid:
Yes.
Amazon:
Just wanted to get that clarified.
Druid:
Well I was interpreting some wall carving left there by the ancient cave men. Well one day my pet wolves . . .
Amazon:
Ya have pet wolves?
Druid:
Well, yes!
Amazon:
Just wanted to get that clarified as well.
Druid:
Anyway my pet wolves came upon me while I was interpreting the carvings and told me some very important news!
Barbarian:
What was it!
Druid:
You'll soon find out in the flashback scene coming up next
Flashback to wolf scene.
I had been spending a total of 346 days trying to interpret all the carvings. Apparently cave man had a lot of time on their hands. I was still trying to figure out one drawing of these three spider-looking things. I had already interpreted the evil cow scene and the flaming fetish scene, but this one scene was a puzzle to me.
Suddenly all 160 of my wolves ran up to me causing an earthquake. I quickly ran over to the only decoration I have in my cave and caught it before it toppled over.
~~~
Paladin:
What was it?
Druid:
A vase.
Sorceress:
Oh was it from the Martha Sanctuary selection?
Druid:
Um. No, it was just a vase I found--carved out of rock by ancient cave man.
Amazon:
How do you know it wasn't just a rock?
Druid:
Because it clearly had a vase-like shape! Now will you let me continue with the flashback scene!
Interviewer:
Go ahead Druid.
Amazon:
Stupid interviewer!
~~~
Flashback to wolf scene continued.
My wolves finally all gathered in my cave after 10 minutes of causing the earthquake and I stopped my interpreting because I could tell they had something important to say.
"What is it my dear, faithful, strong and fierce Canine comrades and followers who can run faster than the wind and eat faster that a speeding bullet?
Barbarian:
What's a bullet?
Paladin:
And how do they eat?
Amazon:
Can you get to the point here?
Druid:
They answered me in one alarming word.
Barbarian:
What!
Druid:
They all said at once, "WOLF!"
(There is a moment of silence here)
Amazon:
What does "wolf!" mean?
Sorceress:
Is there an interpretation for this?
Necromancer:
My omens do not tell me anything about this!
Paladin:
I get it! It was the wolf who cried "wolf!" Wait that doesn't make sense!
Amazon:
Druid! We don't know wolf language!
Sorceress:
Tell us what they said translated into our language.
Druid:
Oh yes. "Wolf!" means "Hello!"
Barbarian:
I don't get it!
Necromancer:
You wouldn't!
Paladin:
What did these canines say next?
Druid:
Then they said, "Wolf! Wolf!"
Sorceress:
What does that translate too?
Druid:
That translates to "Hello, Hello!"
Necromancer:
What!
Barbarian:
I still don't get it!
Amazon:
And let me guess, "Wolf, Wolf, Wolf!" Translates to "Hello, Hello, Hello!"
Druid:
No that translates to "Hello, Hello, Goodbye!"
Necromancer:
Grr!
Sorceress:
Could you just skip to the translation since none of us know . . . the wolf language. You know, you and the Assassin are a lot alike!
Amazon:
They are perfect for each other!
Necromancer:
The omens tell me there is something between you and the Assassin.
Amazon:
And it ain't just air!
Barbarian:
I don't get it!
Paladin:
Is that all you say Barbarian!
Sorceress:
It does seem odd. Now that I think about it, the Assassin and Druid are indeed the perfect couple!
Druid:
No we're not!
Necromancer:
I see little baby Druids and Assassins in the future!
Amazon:
Now that's a disturbing image!
Interviewer:
Can we just get on with the story?
Amazon:
Stupid Interviewer.
Interviewer:
I have a feeling she doesn't like me!
Amazon:
Naw! Ya just figured that out.
Sorceress:
Be nice to our interviewer Amazon. She is your ticket to fame. You don't want me to get the tranquilizer gun out do you?
Amazon:
NO! I'll be good!
Druid:
You know you remind me of my wolves!
Amazon:
Are ya calling me a dog?!
Druid:
No I . . .
Paladin:
Though dogs and wolves belong in the same species they are indeed different in genus.
Amazon:
Thanks for that useless bit of information! I still say ya were calling me a dog, Druid!
Druid:
No, I wasn't . . .
Amazon:
I'll kill you!
Barbarian:
Fight!
Necromancer:
The omens tell me to get the tranquilizer gun, Sorceress.
Sorceress:
Good idea!
Interviewer:
So after the Amazon was tranquilized a second time the Druid continued on with his story.
Druid:
I simply wanted to say that my wolves gave me a very vital bit of information. This is what they said:
Wolf! Woof, woof, HOOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLL! Growl! WolF! HOWL! Bark bark! Meow! Screech! Wolf. HHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOWWWWWWLLLLL. Bite! GRRRR! Scream! Woof, Woof! Bark! HOWL! meow.
Paladin:
I don't quite follow.
Necromancer:
What was all that about?
Barbarian:
I didn't know wolves talked like that!
Sorceress:
(sigh) I didn't know wolves had such a varied language but could you skip to the translation already, sir?
Druid:
Oh yes. Sorry. This is what it translates to:
"Hello O' Great Druid sir! Our acute noses have just sniffed out trouble brewing in the West. It is rumored that Diablo walks the earth again! We have smelled great evil at a small Rouge Encampment in the West. You should go there and kill the great evil known as Diablo. May your nose be as acute as ours!"
Then they ran back out of the cave, causing another earthquake. After I saved my only decoration the vase, I finally realized the interpretation of the three spiders! They weren't really spiders, but three Demons! They were Diablo, Mephisto, and Baal! And that is how I found myself following behind a beautiful Assassin at the Rouge Encampment!
Paladin:
Druid and Assassin sittin' in a tree!
Sorceress:
Spooky!
Barbarian:
Are you sure wolves can talk?
Necromancer:
Shut up Barbarian!
Paladin:
Shut up Necromancer!
Sorceress:
Be quite Paladin!
Barbarian:
Don't talk Sorceress!
Necromancer:
Shut up Barbarian!
Paladin:
Shut up Necromancer!
Sorceress:
Be quite Paladin!
Barbarian:
Don't talk Sorceress!
Necromancer:
Shut up Barbarian!
Interviewer:
Here we go again!