Zelda Oracles COURTROOM CASES!
REAL PEOPLE! (from the games)
REAL CASES! (not really)
REAL STRANGE! (really!)
AUTHOR'S NOTES, DISCLAIMERS, AND OTHER RANDOM JUNK:
Who out there honestly thinks I own Zelda? If you do, get a brain. You've heard of "Nintendo" right? Anyway, this is a stupid little idea that I had for a humor fic. It might not be any good, so PLEASE TELL ME if it is or isn't. If I get at least three nice reviews, I'll continue. Otherwise, I won't.
Voice Over: we see a flyby video of entering the Maku Tree's little door as it speaks You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Farore Secrets. The people are imaginary! The cases are fake! And everything is INSANE!
Impa (bailiff): The court is now in session. All rise for Judge Farore Secrets!
Everyone stands up as Farore enters from the stairs going up to the Maku Tree's branches and sits down at her little desk. The room has been transformed into a courtroom.
Farore: The Case #1 of Link Heroguy vs. General Onox Darkness is now in session. Bailiff, will you please read the charges.
Impa: Link Heroguy is suing General Onox for assault with a mace and dragon claws as well as 300 Rupees spent on a Magic Potion to restore health lost. Onox is countersuing for assault with a L2 Noble Sword. Link and Onox glare at each other.
Link: Your honor, this person KIDNAPPED YOUR SISTER! HOW CAN YOU EVEN CONSIDER ALLOWING HIM TO WIN THIS CASE?!?!?!?!?
Farore: ORDER IN THE COURT, insubordinate elf! Your lawyer will speak for you. Who is your lawyer.
Link: stares haughtily at everyone nearby My lawyer is your sister, Din Seasons! Din jumps up from her seat and starts dancing, swinging her little bracelets everywhere
Farore: ORDER IN THE COURT! Now, Din, please give your opening statement.
Din: My client was only attempting to heroically save the world AND MYSELF from the clutches of an evil genius, when he was ATTACKED BRUTALLY by Mr. Onox-
Onox: That's GENERAL Onox to you, mummer!
Din: Since when have you been British, cone-head?
Onox: CONE HEAD! How dare you…
Farore: ORDER IN THE COURT, PLEASE! That's enough from you Din.
Din: I'm your sister!
Farore: loudly, ignoring Din Who is your lawyer, Onox?
Onox: My lawyer is my little demon servant who likes to whine like a baby, Vire!
Vire: Hey, you're supposed to be on my side!
Farore: Order in the court, please! Now, Vire, please the defendant's opening statement.
Vire: My client was simply trying to do his job, which is attempt to dominate the world, and in his line of duty it happened to require that he kidnap Din. Of course, he was not happy about this, but willing to sacrifice for his job. Then, little green elf-man here-
Link: I'M NOT AN ELF!
Vire: continuing as if he hadn't heard -comes in and ATTACKS my client with a L2 NOBLE SWORD! Those things HURT! He also attacked me with a sword, but that's beside the point. Or maybe the SWORD POINT!
Farore: Order in the court please. Now, jury, are you getting this down?
We see a jury consisting of Mayor Ruul, Vasu, Maple, Witch Syrup, Ingo, Mr. Guru Guru (the windmill guy), Frypolar, Talon, Malon, the Great Moblin, and the two Theif Subrosians scribbling stuff on notepads
Farore: Okay, prosecution, you may call your first witness.
Din: I'd like to call Maku Tree to the stand.
Farore: Umm, Din? The Maku Tree IS the stand.
Maku Tree: I can still talk, can't I?
Impa: Place your left hand on the Oracle of Seasons game cartridge, and raise your right… uh… do you have hands?
A branch comes in through the window and touches the cartridge. We hear rustling outside as though the Maku Tree is raising another branch.
Impa: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth according to the game by Nintendo and Capcom?
Maku Tree: I do.
Din: Mr. Tree, you employed my client. Please tell the court why.
Maku Tree: Well, you see, I told Link that he had to go get the eight Essences of Nature so he could beat the crap out of Onox.
Din: And why did you want Link to, as you put it, "beat the crap out of Onox?"
Maku Tree: He kidnapped you and sealed you in a crystal and made the world start to fall apart. The usual thing in these kinds of cases.
Din: shudders That sucky crystal was CRAMPED! Anyway, do you believe that Link was acting in self defense, uh… or… defense of the world, when he attacked Onox?
Maku Tree: Indeed I do believe so.
Din: Just two more questions. When Link set out to fight Onox, how was he equipped?
Maku Tree: He had a bunch of Rupees, a full 14-heart meter, and a Magic Potion he'd bought from Witch Syrup for 300 Rupees, as well as some other cool hero equipment.
Din: And when he returned, what was his condition?
Maku Tree: He'd been injured badly, his heart meter was down to 1½ hearts, and he had no more Magic Potion.
Din: So presumably, Onox caused him to become severly injured and lose his 300-Rupee magic potion?
Maku Tree: Yes.
Din: No further questions, Your Honor.
Farore: Defense, you may cross-examine.
Vire: So, you pile of firewood…
Din: OBJECTION!
Farore: And what is your objection, Sister Seasons?
Din: He's insulting the witness!
Farore: Yeah, you've got a point. Objection sustained. You may not question further, Mr. Vire.
Vire: OBJECTION!
Farore: NOW WHAT?!?!?!?
Vire: You're sisters with the prosecution attorney! Isn't that illegal?
Farore: losing her temper completely AND YOU'RE A WUSSY WANNABE-DEMON WHO LOOKS LIKE A DEMENTED RED BAT! SO I WOULDN'T BE TALKING! sweetly Now, prosecution, you may call your second witness.
Vire: under his breath G^@ d#$!* little b&%)@!
Farore: WHAT WAS THAT?
Vire: Nothing, Your Honor.
Din: I call Link Heroguy to the stand.
Impa: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth according to the game by Nintendo and Capcom?
Link: strikes dramatic pose It is my duty as Hero of Time to do just that!
Impa: Sure…
Din: Mr. Heroguy, you were the one who freed me from Onox's evil clutches and restored peace to Holodrum. In the process of doing this, which is part of the duties of the Hero of Time, did you incur any injuries?
Link: What, are you kidding? I died from injuries THREE TIMES!
Din: Er, yeah, and, um, who caused most of these injuries?
Link: Well, all sorts of critters with too many eyes (Random Whirling Cyclops Enemy: Hey! What about too few!), but the one who injured me the most was this guy who called himself General Onox.
Din: Can you identify this person here in the courtroom?
Link: Uh, you're kidding me right? DOH! He points to Onox
Din: whispers to Link Justice is blind, okay? You have to point EVERYTHING out. speaks in a normal voice The Maku Tree has said that you incurred many injuries and lost a Magic Potion while fighting in Onox's Castle. Did this happen while fighting this General Onox!
Link: about to make another "doh" comment, stopping himself Uh… yeah!
Din: No further questions, Your Honor.
Farore: Defense, you may cross-examine.
Vire: So, Link… bares teeth and gives an evil look, attempting to scare the witness into saying what he wants him to say Are you a stupid bratty kid Hero of Time who thinks he can just walk into any dungeon he likes and beat the crap out of some bosses but really can't?
Link: not missing a beat Stupid, no, bratty, no, kid, yes, Hero of Time, yes, who thinks he can just walk into any dungeon he likes and beat the crap out of some bosses, yes, but really can't, no. THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE ANSWERS YOU WOULD GIVE!
Vire: taken aback No further questions, your honor.
Farore: Next witness, Din?
Din: No further witnesses, Your Honor.
Farore: Very well, if that is all, we'll let our jury decide the verdict…
Vire: WAIT! What about our witnesses?
Farore: Did you have any?
Vire: Uhh…
Farore: I thought not. Now, jury, you have twenty minutes to decide two verdicts. First, is Link guilty of injuring Onox though he was doing it in the line of duty? And second, is Onox guilty of KIDNAPPING MY SISTER, almost KILLING Link, and using up his 300-Rupee Magic Potion?
The members of the jury huddle over their notepads for a while, muttering to themselves, writing, crossing things out, and then, all at the same time, they each write down a word on one sheet of paper, then another word on another paper.
Farore: Time's up. First, the verdict on Onox's countersuit.
Mayor Ruul: Not guilty.
Vasu: Not guilty.
Maple: GUILTY! THAT KID LINK IS SOOOOOO GUILTY!
Witch Syrup: Not guilty. He spent good money at my shop… hee, hee, hee…
Ingo: Not guilty. HEY! DON'T TOUCH THE POTS, YOU B@$&#^%!
Mr. Guru Guru: to the tune of the Song of Storms/Windmill Theme Not guil-ty! Not guil-ty! Not guil-ty at all to-day! Link is innocent! Of making a dent!
Frypolar: loud monotone HE IS GUILTY. MASTER ONOX IS PERFECT.
Talon: Not gillty. Wha, Ah've never saen sumone less gillty in mah lahfe!
Malon: Shut up, Dad. I also say not guilty.
The Great Moblin: GUILTY! HE BLEW UP MY FORT, THEN BLEW UP MY HOUSE! Heh, heh, I blew him up a few times too, though…
Theif Subrosians: Hey, he's the guy we stole the Roc's Feather from! Uh, sorry, Mr. Heroguy, sir! Not guilty!
Farore: Sorry, General Onox, but you need a unanimous vote for someone to be guilty. And now, as I'm sure we are all convinced of the guilt of General Onox to Link's charges…
Frypolar, and the Great Moblin begin to make protesty-noises, but quickly fall silent
Din: standing behind the jury and using her Oracle powers to convince Link's ill-wishers otherwise
Frypolar, Great Moblin: loud monotone YES, HE IS GUILTY.
Farore: Then I hereby sentence General Onox and Vire-
Vire: Wait! I'm just his lawyer!
Farore: clears throat …AND VIRE to lifetime imprisonment in… gets an evil gleam in her eyes …in the most horrible place known to man!
Ingo: No!
Talon: Not…
Theif Subrosians: She couldn't mean…
Great Moblin: Oh no! I'm sorry Master!
Vasu: Oh my! Not that place…
Mr. Guru Guru: GO AROUND!
Farore: Yes, lifetime imprisonment in TELETUBBY LAND!!!! cackles more evilly than Witch Syrup
Onox, Vire: scream at 1,000 decibels as Din, Farore, and Nayru (who was watching from the back the whole time) use their Oracle powers to send Onox and Vire to Teletubby Land
…meanwhile, in Teletubby Land…
Blue Teletubby: Look! New friends!
Red Teletubby: giggles maniacally BAT! Big hug, Bat! grabs Vire in a death grip and giggles again
Yellow Teletubby: Maybe conehead guy and bat would like to play with us!
Green Teletubby: We can play and play and play and play and play forever!
Onox, Vire: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…back in the courtroom…
Farore: bangs gavel Case closed!
everyone begins to stand up and leave
Farore: Join us next time when the Land of Subrosia sues the Theif Subrosians for stealing items of value and jeopardizing the tourist industry!