Zelda Oracles COURTROOM CASES!
REAL PEOPLE! (from the games)
REAL CASES! (not really)
REAL STRANGE! (really!)
AUTHOR'S NOTES, DISCLAIMERS, AND OTHER RANDOM JUNK:
I don't own Zelda. Get a grip. Among author's notes, I have this to say: thanks for reviewing! Everyone who reviewed has some Aura of Specialness inside! It is because of you that this fic is entering it's second chapter! Also note: the reason I don't write Ocarina of Time fics like everybody else in this section is because sob, sob I don't have an N64, and won't be getting one anytime soon, because I am dead broke. Anyone who wants my writing talent to be applied to Ocarina of Time is free to contribute to the cause, though! Also also note: Please read my other story and review it! It isn't 100% humor (because it's about 70% action/adventure) but I'm trying my best to make it *funny* action/adventure.
ON WITH THE FIC!
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Voice-Over: camera flyby into the Maku Tree You are about to enter this little wooden door carved in the side of a tree! Now isn't that thrilling! Why am I even telling you this, because it's assumed you read the first chapter and already know this routine!
Impa: Yes, thank you, Mysterious Voice from Nowhere-
V-O: Your very welcome, Judge Secrets.
Impa: Now, now, please don't suck up.
V-O: I'll suck all I want. makes a sucking sound
Impa: rolls eyes Whatever. All rise for Judge Farore Secrets!
Everybody: rises, takes off hats, etc.
Farore: is wearing a Judge Judy costume, looking much meaner than she did in the first trial Okay, last time there were some discrepancies because people thought I was biased toward one side. This time… WE'RE CRACKIN' DOWN HARD, MAN! she slaps a ruler on her palm That's right, no biases, nuthin. Anyway, Bailiff, will you please read the case.
Impa: Case of the City of Rolling Ridge vs. the Great Moblin. They are suing for theft, vandalism, and property-stealing.
Farore: Thank you. Plaintiff, who is your attorney?
Random Goron From Rolling Ridge Who Is Representing It In Court: We chose the 1st Generation Graceful Goron!
Farore: Wait a minute… isn't he from 4,000 years ago?
RGFRRWIRIIC (we'll just call him the Plaintiff, shall we?): Yeah, Link brought him here with the Harp of Ages.
Farore: Uh, okay, sure, but, has he ever heard of the Great Moblin?
1GGG: strikes a cheesy dramatic pose In the face of JUSTICE, age doesn't matter!
Farore: Oookaaay… Defendant, who is your attorney?
Great Moblin: I have no friends, so I'm acting as my own lawyer.
Farore: Great, that should move things along considerably… chuckles to herself Now, would the prosecution please give its opening statement?
1GGG: strikes another cheesy dramatic pose, begins doing cheesy overdramatic dance moves as he speaks The Great Moblin is a pig… his hair is so bad I wish it was a wig… he is not to be trusted at all… in winter, spring, or fall…
Farore: I asked for an OPENING STATEMENT, not a FRIGGIN POETRY READING!!! breathes fire ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! calms down, speaks over-sweetly Okay, defense, would you please read your opening statement?
Great Moblin: Uhh, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm just trying to survive in this cruel world by doing what I do best… which just-so-happens to be taking advantage of poor innocent Gorons and monopolizing their trade on Bomb Flowers… I can't help my nature, so please don't hurt me! looks all innocent at the jury
Jury, which consists of Link, Mayor Plen, Ralph, Queen Ambi, the Tokay Food Mini-Game Guy, Patch, Tingle, King Zora, Tokkey (the insane music guy who teaches you the Tune of Currents), and the twin sisters from Symmetry Village: lots of eye rolling, don't look impressed at the Great Moblin
Great Moblin: PLEEEEEEEEZE!
Farore: Order in the court, insubordinate pig!
Great Moblin: Isn't that what you told Link during that trial a while back, except you called him an insubordinate elf?
Link: For the LAST TIME, I AM NOT AN ELF! Okay, first, it's a tunic, not a skirt, second, I'm a Hylian, not a FRIGGIN ELF!
Farore: ORDER IN THE COURT RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BLAST ALL YOUR PUNY HEADS OFF! sweetly Thank you! I knew we'd see reason! Now, prosecution must call their first witness.
1GGG: With the power of the dance of my ancestors, and the power of the dance of my heirs…
Farore: rolls eyes, taps foot We're waiting!
1GGG: I call forth… Some Random Goron From Rolling Ridge to the stand!
Impa: Place your right hand on the Oracle of Ages game cartridge, and your left hand in the air… or is it your left hand on the Oracle of Ages game cartridge and your right hand in the air… uh…
Farore: Just forget it, he'll be okay. Begin questioning! smacks ruler on palm again
1GGG: During your time on Rolling Ridge… on the left side of that little bridge… was a place called Moblin Keep… did this place make Gorons weep? I'm a great dancing poet… and I didn't even know it…!
SRGFRR: Indeed. We were sad because he took our Bomb Flowers, and apparently the Gorons 4,000 years ago were sad too because their Elder was trapped under a bunch of rocks and they needed a Bomb Flower to get him out, but, for some reason, the Great Moblin messed up history… but wait… how could an event in the future effect the past? One of those plot holes, I guess. They're very useful sometimes. Anyway, yeah, he was pretty much an all-around jerk.
Great Moblin: makes puppy eyes at SRGFRR and jury Who, little old innocent me?
SRGFRR, Jury: make gagging noises
1GGG: Thank you, Some Random Goron From Rolling Ridge. No further questions, your honor.
Farore: Hey, why aren't you talking in rhyme?
1GGG: I'm sorry my prose-talk upset you… but I'll change back cuz you want me too…
Farore: $@&#*%!
Everyone Else: GASP! A judge swore in the courtroom!
Farore: Ooops, eh, heh, heh, I mean, wow, what a great poet you are, 1GGG!
1GGG: Why thank you, Judge Secrets!
Farore: Anyway, defense, you may cross-examine.
Great Moblin: makes puppy eyes… ugh, again Aren't I the cutest preciousest little piggy that every went to market? Huh? Huh?
SRGFRR: NO!!! You're the ugliest, thievingest, scummiest little hog I've ever seen!
Great Moblin: makes a sad, but not quite puppy eyes face at the jury You see, nobody likes me, everybody hates me…
Jury: Awww… NOT!
Farore: Okay, prosecution, any other witnesses?
1GGG: No witnesses that must we call… I sense the Moblin's nearing fall… from grace he'll plummet to the floor… in Teletubby Land he'll live forever more…
Farore: WILL YOU JUST SHUT IT WITH THE $&^@#*% POETRY!
Jury: GASP!
Farore: Eh, heh, I mean, order in the court please, kiddies! Now, Moblin, do you have a witness?
Great Moblin: YES! I WILL DEFY SOCIETY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I call… myself to the stand!
1GGG: An objection I'd like to file… he can't do that, it's not worthwhile…
Farore: Even though technically, 1GGG is right, I'm going to overrule that objection JUST cause of that sucky poem-speak! We'll make an exception. Moblin, please take the stand!
Great Moblin: Society hates me… I've done nothing wrong to most of you, I just have a social disease! I'm just surviving the cruel life you people have forced me to live in the only way I know how! I never went to college! I can't lead a productive life! And you all have shunted me away, to my Keep on Rolling Ridge, and I'll never again be the innocent young boy I was back then. Please, don't hurt me!
Jury: Awww… NOT!
Great Moblin: suddenly turns evil HAHAHAHA! I thought I could not disguise me evil nature completely, so I brought with me a little… insurance policy! whips out a big bomb
Jury: ACK! DON'T HURT US!
Great Moblin: advancing, with a sinister smile on his face That's what I said a minute ago, and none of you listened to me! NOW YOU'LL PAY!
King Zora: I say, what a tasty-looking snack you've got there, Mr. Moblin? You don't mind if I take a bit, do you? Doctors' orders- got to keep my weight level above six tons, you see. he eats the big bomb
Great Moblin: WHAT THE HOLY HECK?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Jury: Yay! King Zora saved us!
Link: Guilty!
Mayor Plen: Guilty!
Ralph: that funky music that plays whenever you meet him starts up He is guilty as my grandma!
Ambi: Hey! Is that any way to talk about your great, great, great, great, great, great grandma, buster? I just might have to use some of my funky spinning energy balls on you! (Sorry about the Oracle of Ages spoiler!)
Ralph: Uhh, sorry.
Ambi: Better. He's guilty.
Tokay Food Mini-Game Guy: Guilty!
Patch: His brain is broken. If Link plays my fu- errr, delicate ceremony, I can put it back together!
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Patch: Fine then. Guilty.
Tokkey: dances around on the jury's table strumming randomly on his harp Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty… continues dancing, playing, and singing, "guilty"
Twin Sisters: in unison, points at him with her left hand, the other with her right He is guilty! To think of treating those poor Gorons that way! each sister adjusts a lock of hair with the opposite hand
Tokkey: still dancing and singing Guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty…
Farore: I guess he's guilty, then! And I have a worse punishment than being banished to Teletubby Land!
Everyone: GASP! Worse than banishment to Teletubby Land? What could possibly be worse than that!
Farore: Banishment to Teletubby Land and being forced to play the Tokay Food Mini-Game and the Restoration Ceremony Mini-Game over and over and over again while the Teletubbies dance around and sing their theme song over and over and over again!
Tokay Food Mini-Game Guy, Patch: Yay, finally someone will play our really annoying-as-heck games!
Great Moblin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Everyone Else: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
Nayru, Din: appear next to Farore Shall we, Sister!
Farore: Let's do it!
Farore, Nayru, Din: use Oracle powers to execute the punishment
Great Moblin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…
…In Teletubby Land…
Great Moblin: ARGH! Stupid Hardhat Beetle knocked me off the button! WHAT, NO, there goes my mine cart AGAIN!
Teletubbies: Heeheeheehee! Pig man funny!
Great Moblin: Okay, I'm about to win this time…
Teletubbies: Big hug! they all glomp the Great Moblin
Great Moblin: NOOOOOOOO!!!! You messed me up!
Teletubbies: cackle maniacally and start singing their theme song as they dance around the Great Moblin Teletubbies! Teletubbies!
Great Moblin: Argh! How many more wins do I need at this game before I'm set free?
Red Teletubby: giggles evilly and holds up a sign that says 'Great Moblin's Punishment Record- 362892 Tokay Food Game wins left and 482957 Restoration Ceremony Game wins left before release
Great Moblin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Teletubbies: continue cackling, singing the song, and dancing around the Moblin as the camera fades out
So, how'd you like? Was it worth your precious three reviews? This fic can continue if you review! REVIEWS ARE GOOOOLD!!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHA! Er, sorry about that, but please DOOOOOOOOO REVUUUUUUUUU!