Anxiety
===
Why? Why do let your hate consume you?
Why do you let in take over you mind and soul?
It intoxicates you, seduces you, makes you do it's biding as if you were a pawn…
It makes you who you are…. Hiead.
Aloof, ruthless, and…alone.
Have you always been alone? No one to care for you.
Not one person to hold you…when you cried?
So now, you hate those that had a happy life…Hiead.
I, myself, didn't have a happy life. My mother and father were always somewhere.
They were never there for me. So I was left alone under the care of a nun.
She owned an orphanage that I was forced to go when they left.
She was abusive and cruel, but took her explosive anger upon me.
She'd smack me, and threaten to kill me if I did anything to oppose God.
So when I misbehaved, or at least she thought when I did, she'd lock me up in a room for a week or more.
She would hiss behind the locked door, 'You must pray to God and atone yourself. You seedling of Satan.'
So when I was ten, I escaped from the orphanage, and to my old neighborhood.
There I lived with an elderly woman till she died when I was thirteen.
She left her belongings all to me, including her money.
So I lived alone in her house.
Then, I heard a rumor that about GOA.
They were now excepting new people, so I decided to go there to find purpose.
To find one person that would make me feel wanted. To be able to find that person…would make
the trouble and pains of the past wash away.
But, destiny wishes not to be fair to me.
I got paired up with you, Hiead.
You are everything I've suffered within the past.
A clone of those that abused me and made me the person I am today.
Shy and not able to accomplish the potential I thought once had.
Yet…somehow, the irony is, I both love and hate you
I am forever damned to be haunted by you
Forever damned
===
''Ikhny?'' Kizna asked, shaking me. I snap out of my thoughts, turning my attention to her. ''Sorry….'' I murmured dully. ''What wrong? Is it Hiead again?'' I shake my head. I want…to protect you, Hiead. ''Then what's the matter? You look like you were brooding about something.'' I sigh; looking distastefully at the food that was in front of me.
I had forgotten that me and Kizna had gone to the Mess Hall. (As some liked to put it) Today was the usual slop the lunch people served. It looked like year old stew with the mixture of chocolate sauce and gravy.
''Darnit! What I wouldn't do for a hamburger.'' I hear Zero huff at the next table. I could tell one of the lunch ladies heard this because of her death glare she sent his way.
''I'm not hungry,'' I hear myself say without thinking. I throw the 'food' in the garbage, and started heading for my dormitory I shared with Saki and Kizna. For some odd reason, I was tired. I've probably just been thinking too much… About him probably.
===
I flop myself on my bed. Maybe I should take a quick nap before Pro.Ing training with the seniors…I'll probably need it anyway. Hiead will be fighting against Zero next. Does it matter that he wins or loses? He'll bicker at you either way…always finding one excuse to hit you.
I slip my arm out of my sleeve to peek at it. Yes…the bruise Hiead gave me over a month ago was finally fading. It was sort of yellow with a mix of purple. A grotesque and disgusting reminder that I screwed up. Or at least, he thought so. You see? He's just like the Nun. Hitting you because you made one mistake.
I shake my head, trying to get the negative thoughts out of my head. I don't know why they try to give me bad ideas. Sometimes I feel them watching me as I walk alone within the depths of GOA. But, really, I think its paranoia I'm suffering from. I get to paranoid at certain times. It's not paranoia you're suffering from…its anxiety.
That's not true. Of course, you hate to admit it. I…I'm sane! Yes, you still are sane. That little bit of sanity keeps you from slitting your wrists. Me? Suicidal? Could I be? Yes. You have every reason to be. No…No! Admit that you're a schizophrenic. You've always been one your whole life. ''NO!!!'' I cry out loud, grabbing my head in desperation. ''I'm not!''
Then, as though my eyes were being controlled, they spotted a pair of scissors on my desk. Go ahead…take them…slit your wrists…bleed all the pain away…and be free to climb the rope to Heaven. I was somewhat transfixed by the sharp edges of the scissors. I reach for them, tacking them slowly into my trembling hands. Aren't they beautiful? They'd be more beautiful with shades of scarlet.
But, then the doors opened. Kizna's happy face popped in. ''Ikhny! It's time fore the Pro.Ing training! We better hurry!'' I drop the scissors, almost reluctantly. ''O-okay Kizna,'' my shy voice answers. I stare at them object I dropped on the floor for a few moments before hopping up to join my happy companion.
Shades of scarlet…just like his piercing eyes…