Chapter 3: Girl, Interrupted
Crais, Talyn and the Kranlit returned to Moya. Crais flew the pod automatically, hardly noticing the journey. He felt numb and half-expected his legs to give way as he climbed out of the pod. They were met by a restless Crichton.
"Crais, what took you so long? I thought you wanted to get that thing back down on the planet as soon as it had finished feeding on Talyn?"
"I, er...have returned it to you," Crais said, every word an effort. "Talyn and I will leave...shortly."
"What about Carma?" Crichton asked in confusion, looking behind Crais. "Don't tell me she's staying here? Is she still pissed at you?"
"That is not Carma," Crais replied, using all his self-control to keep his voice from cracking. "That is Talyn."
"What?" Crichton asked. "What d'you mean 'that's Talyn'? How can she be Talyn?"
"It seems that...after the Kranlit restored her former personality, she...accepted the hand of friendship from Talyn in an effort to...benefit from his treatment. When it fed on Talyn, somehow his...personality overwhelmed hers and she was...lost," Crais replied, not managing to meet Crichton's eyes.
Crichton stared at him. "Carma's dead?"
Then Crais raised his eyes to meet Crichton's. "Yes," he said simply, wanting only to leave Moya be alone with his thoughts.
"And that's...Talyn in her body?" Crichton added, struggling to grasp the situation.
Crais merely nodded this time, words were too much effort. Crichton slowly walked past him, up to the person that until an arn ago had been Carma.
"Talyn?" he asked uncertainly.
"Crichton," Talyn said, reaching out to touch Crichton's face. "I...must tell you that I am...sorry, for how I treat you. I...understand now, that it is wrong."
"Um...apology accepted," Crichton said, too overwhelmed to say anything else.
"I want...to see all of Moya," Talyn said, raising his eyes to the ceiling and looking around him in wonder. "And to see...all of you...from this body."
"Uh...sure," Crichton said. "I'll...give you the grand tour."
"Talyn I will return to T...the ship," Crais told him, in an exhausted voice. "Please ask Pilot to inform me when you wish to return."
"I do this," Talyn agreed. To Crais' surprise he came to him and gave him a hug. Crais was too taken aback, confused and hurt to return it. He slowly climbed back aboard the pod, returning to the ship which had once been Talyn, leaving the new Talyn to explore his new world.
***
"It is...phenomenal," Aeryn said, shaking her head in amazement as she watched Chiana trying to teach Talyn how to eat in his new body.
"Yeah," Crichton said slowly, "but it came at a price. You didn't see Crais when he brought Talyn over. On anybody else that look would have meant they were pretty upset, on Crais it's gotta mean that he's totally devastated."
"How could it have happened?" Aeryn said, asking no-one in particular. "Crais had the transponder for two cycles without this happening. How could Talyn take over Carma?"
"Your guess is as good as mine," Crichton said, smiling at Talyn's efforts when he looked up for approval. "Different species, the whole thing with the Kranlit, I dunno. Have D'Argo and Jool commed in yet?"
"They said they would stay to pick up some other supplies after they returned the Kranlit to the trader we bought it from. I doubt they'll be back anytime soon."
"We've sure got a hell of a story to tell them when they get back," Crichton said. A pause. "Aeryn d'you think I should go talk to Crais?"
"I thought you still hated him," Aeryn replied, looking strangely at him.
"Yeah well," Crichton said, rubbing the back of his neck. "After what he did for us...maybe that helped me hate him a little less. Plus grief doesn't seem to be a good thing for him, it tends to bring out his homicidal tendencies and I'd *really* prefer not to see them again."
"He has nothing to blame you for this time Crichton," Aeryn pointed out. "And, from what I know about Crais, I suspect that he would prefer to be alone."
"Yeah," Crichton said, "and he's not going to go anywhere while Talyn is still with us. But if he starts after someone again, this time I'm gonna kill him first."
"For the moment I think the only one we can help is Talyn," Aeryn said. "Just being joined to him for a short time was an incredible experience for me. For him, being in a completely new body will take some time to get used to."
"Just being in your body was a pretty strange experience," Crichton agreed. "Going from leviathan to...whatever she is...was...must be pretty strange."
"I am certain that Talyn will behave better in her body than you did in mine," Aeryn said, looking sideways at Crichton.
"I don't know," Crichton said thoughtfully. "You put a teenage guy in an adult woman's body? Talyn's gonna have fun dealing with that...."
***
Crais reached his quarters after what felt like a century. He left the lights off, preferring to remain in the dark. Walking over to his bed, he sat down heavily on one side of it and slowly began to remove his boots. All around him there was nothing. No sounds, pure silence. Talyn...no, Talyn's empty shell...had no life. He...it...would continue to function. The controls would function, the weapons would fire, the environmentals would be set. But the consciousness...that was lost.
No, not lost, transferred, but gone from its correct home. Crais had lost the last things that he had. Talyn was free to move, free to live wherever he chose, free to explore worlds he knew only a little about. Carma, the one person who had cared about his future, was lost to him forever. Now he truly was alone.
He continued undressing, deeply-ingrained habit making him fold his clothes instead of letting them lay wherever they fell. Last of all he pulled the thong from his hair and let it fall loose around his shoulders. Finally he lay back, stretched out naked on his bed and stared at the dark ceiling. Then he allowed his self-control to slip away at last. He lay there a long time before he finally fell asleep, hearing only his own heartbeat, feeling only the tears running down his face.
***
"This body...it is strange," Talyn said, his forehead wrinkling in thought.
"How is it strange Talyn?" Aeryn asked. Talyn seemed to naturally gravitate towards her for advice.
"I have...many feelings that I do not understand," Talyn replied, looking uncomfortable.
Aeryn looked over at the others, eating their dinner and not listening to them. "What kind of feelings?" she asked curiously.
"This body...wants things that I do not want."
Aeryn began to understand, Talyn carried on trying to explain. "This body is...female?" he said, uncertain of the new species.
"And your body wants...Crais." Aeryn said, suddenly having to suppress the urge to laugh.
Talyn nodded. "And to me that...does not seem right. Crais is my...." he broke off, trying to work out the word in the new language.
"Captain?" Aeryn suggested.
Talyn shook his head, biting his lip. "He is my...father...and these feelings confuse me."
"Talyn...the body you now have used to belong to Carma," Aeryn explained. "And she and Crais were...involved," she finished, mentally reminding herself of Talyn's age.
"I know," Talyn said, nodding. "I see them."
Aeryn looked at him in surprise.
"I not watch," Talyn insisted, "but I see things sometimes. They do not hide from me, only from each other."
"You will...begin to understand these feelings in time, Talyn," Aeryn told him, not sure what else she could say. "I'm sure it must be very...confusing...at first."
Talyn nodded, not looking entirely comfortable.
"Perhaps," Aeryn suggested, "you should stay on board Moya for a little while. Until you...adjust."
"Leave Crais there...alone?"
"I think he will prefer it...for a short time," Aeryn said, comfortingly.
Talyn nodded. "I like to stay here," he said, "I not see a place like this before."
"There are lots of things to show you," Aeryn agreed, wondering silently how well Talyn would be able to cope.
***
Crais spent the next day doing routine repairs and not thinking. Thinking hurt too much. Aeryn had sent a communication explaining that Talyn would be staying on Moya and Crais was grateful for her help. Looking at Talyn, seeing Carma but knowing that it was Talyn inside her, was more than he could cope with. A dull ache had settled in his chest. The nightmares from when she had been struggling to survive her deuterol withdrawal had come back to him the night before. Only now he saw her ghost, blaming him for her death. Or maybe that was just his own sense of guilt.
He had tried to do what was best for her...and instead he had killed her. He had once promised not to let her die and she had promised him the same. He had broken his word...and she was no longer alive to keep hers.
***
"I can't believe I'm doing this," Crichton said.
"You did offer," Aeryn pointed out. "You told me it would help Talyn's co-ordination."
"Okay, okay. Right Talyn, just do what I do."
Talyn nodded, the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth as he concentrated on Crichton.
Crichton took a deep breath, closed his eyes, raised his arms above his head and opened his mouth.
"Head, shoulders, knees and toes."
***
"Hey Crais."
Crais looked up. "Hello Crichton," he said, using his voice for the first time in two solar days. "I...did not know that you were on board."
"Well I just came to give you Talyn's school report," Crichton said, slightly relieved that Crais did not look especially murderous.
"Yes..." Crais said, trying to sound normal. "How...is he doing?"
"Well he's mastered walking, he's still a bit of a messy eater but he'll get the hang of it. Aeryn's...trying to teach him to use other tenses than the present," Crichton said, feeling stupid at trying to have a normal conversation with a man who'd just lost his lover. "He'll be fine. He's having a few problems with the new body, but...." he broke off. "Crais...is there...something I could do?"
"There is nothing," Crais answered flatly.
For the first time in their entire acquaintance, Crichton wished that Crais was lying to him.
***
Crais tossed and turned for arns that night until he finally sank into a mercifully dreamless sleep. His whole body felt drained at the effort of carrying on as normal. All he wanted to do was sleep.
After what felt like only a microt, he felt himself being shaken awake.
"Crais!" he heard. "Crais!"
For a moment all he saw was Carma, then he remembered.
"Talyn," he said, rubbing his eyes. "I thought that you were on Moya."
Talyn looked at him, eyes shining. "I find her!" he exclaimed excitedly.
Crais paused a moment. "What?" he asked, still not quite awake.
"I find her! I find Carma!"
That jerked him awake instantly.
"What do you mean? I thought she was gone?" he asked, longing to believe Talyn.
"I think she is, but I find her!" Talyn insisted.
"Where is she?" Crais asked, his heartbeat doubling in speed.
Talyn didn't answer, instead he put his hands onto the transponder in his neck and closed his eyes.
When he opened them Crais knew instantly that it wasn't Talyn he was looking at.
"Carma," he said in amazement.
"Yeah," she said, her bright eyes shining through the darkness at him. "It's me."
"Carma...what has happened?" Crais asked, his voice cracking.
"Me and Talyn," Carma said, raising her eyes to the ceiling. Crais suddenly realised that he could hear Talyn's usual sounds above him. "We are truly one."
"How?" Crais asked, reaching out to touch her face.
"I don't know, but we are," Carma said, putting her hand over his, "and we're free, both of us."
"You are no longer feeling your...instability?"
"No," she said softly, "it's gone, Talyn's too. Now we will continue to heal together."
"With Talyn inside your body?" Crais asked, in disbelief.
"It's already been so good for him," Carma said, smiling softly at him, "and I have felt things I've never imagined. We are working together to recover...to grow."
"Carma...why did Talyn believe that you were gone?" Crais asked urgently.
"He is greater than I am, he almost lost me, but I am strong," Carma said, "I am finding my way back."
"Can you not...maintain the link through the transponder and return to your own body?" Crais asked, willing her to say yes.
She looked back at him, her eyes telling him that he would not like what he heard.
"We have to remain like this if we are both to grow," Carma said to him quietly. "One day we will separate...for now, you must be patient. We will be stronger for it when I return to you."
"Can you...return to your own body at any time?"
"It is disorientating for Talyn to move back and forth...but, sometimes, maybe."
She leaned forward, let her fingers trail down his face and kissed him softly. Crais wrapped his arms around her and returned the kiss. All too soon, she broke away. "I have to go back," she said quietly.
Crais nodded, still looking at her. She looked back at him. "I love you," she said softly. "It won't be long, I promise."
"I love you too," Crais replied, equally softly. She smiled at him. "I know," she said simply.
She blinked and then she was gone...and Talyn was back in her body.
"Do you speak with her?" Talyn asked anxiously.
"Yes Talyn," Crais replied, clearing his throat in a effort to get rid of the lump in it. "I spoke to her."
"She explain to you?"
"Yes, Talyn. I...understand."
"It is not long," Talyn added. "I try to...learn fast."
"I...am sure that you will," Crais replied.
Talyn paused, looking awkward. "She love you," he said abruptly.
Crais managed a smile. "I know."
Crais, Talyn and the Kranlit returned to Moya. Crais flew the pod automatically, hardly noticing the journey. He felt numb and half-expected his legs to give way as he climbed out of the pod. They were met by a restless Crichton.
"Crais, what took you so long? I thought you wanted to get that thing back down on the planet as soon as it had finished feeding on Talyn?"
"I, er...have returned it to you," Crais said, every word an effort. "Talyn and I will leave...shortly."
"What about Carma?" Crichton asked in confusion, looking behind Crais. "Don't tell me she's staying here? Is she still pissed at you?"
"That is not Carma," Crais replied, using all his self-control to keep his voice from cracking. "That is Talyn."
"What?" Crichton asked. "What d'you mean 'that's Talyn'? How can she be Talyn?"
"It seems that...after the Kranlit restored her former personality, she...accepted the hand of friendship from Talyn in an effort to...benefit from his treatment. When it fed on Talyn, somehow his...personality overwhelmed hers and she was...lost," Crais replied, not managing to meet Crichton's eyes.
Crichton stared at him. "Carma's dead?"
Then Crais raised his eyes to meet Crichton's. "Yes," he said simply, wanting only to leave Moya be alone with his thoughts.
"And that's...Talyn in her body?" Crichton added, struggling to grasp the situation.
Crais merely nodded this time, words were too much effort. Crichton slowly walked past him, up to the person that until an arn ago had been Carma.
"Talyn?" he asked uncertainly.
"Crichton," Talyn said, reaching out to touch Crichton's face. "I...must tell you that I am...sorry, for how I treat you. I...understand now, that it is wrong."
"Um...apology accepted," Crichton said, too overwhelmed to say anything else.
"I want...to see all of Moya," Talyn said, raising his eyes to the ceiling and looking around him in wonder. "And to see...all of you...from this body."
"Uh...sure," Crichton said. "I'll...give you the grand tour."
"Talyn I will return to T...the ship," Crais told him, in an exhausted voice. "Please ask Pilot to inform me when you wish to return."
"I do this," Talyn agreed. To Crais' surprise he came to him and gave him a hug. Crais was too taken aback, confused and hurt to return it. He slowly climbed back aboard the pod, returning to the ship which had once been Talyn, leaving the new Talyn to explore his new world.
***
"It is...phenomenal," Aeryn said, shaking her head in amazement as she watched Chiana trying to teach Talyn how to eat in his new body.
"Yeah," Crichton said slowly, "but it came at a price. You didn't see Crais when he brought Talyn over. On anybody else that look would have meant they were pretty upset, on Crais it's gotta mean that he's totally devastated."
"How could it have happened?" Aeryn said, asking no-one in particular. "Crais had the transponder for two cycles without this happening. How could Talyn take over Carma?"
"Your guess is as good as mine," Crichton said, smiling at Talyn's efforts when he looked up for approval. "Different species, the whole thing with the Kranlit, I dunno. Have D'Argo and Jool commed in yet?"
"They said they would stay to pick up some other supplies after they returned the Kranlit to the trader we bought it from. I doubt they'll be back anytime soon."
"We've sure got a hell of a story to tell them when they get back," Crichton said. A pause. "Aeryn d'you think I should go talk to Crais?"
"I thought you still hated him," Aeryn replied, looking strangely at him.
"Yeah well," Crichton said, rubbing the back of his neck. "After what he did for us...maybe that helped me hate him a little less. Plus grief doesn't seem to be a good thing for him, it tends to bring out his homicidal tendencies and I'd *really* prefer not to see them again."
"He has nothing to blame you for this time Crichton," Aeryn pointed out. "And, from what I know about Crais, I suspect that he would prefer to be alone."
"Yeah," Crichton said, "and he's not going to go anywhere while Talyn is still with us. But if he starts after someone again, this time I'm gonna kill him first."
"For the moment I think the only one we can help is Talyn," Aeryn said. "Just being joined to him for a short time was an incredible experience for me. For him, being in a completely new body will take some time to get used to."
"Just being in your body was a pretty strange experience," Crichton agreed. "Going from leviathan to...whatever she is...was...must be pretty strange."
"I am certain that Talyn will behave better in her body than you did in mine," Aeryn said, looking sideways at Crichton.
"I don't know," Crichton said thoughtfully. "You put a teenage guy in an adult woman's body? Talyn's gonna have fun dealing with that...."
***
Crais reached his quarters after what felt like a century. He left the lights off, preferring to remain in the dark. Walking over to his bed, he sat down heavily on one side of it and slowly began to remove his boots. All around him there was nothing. No sounds, pure silence. Talyn...no, Talyn's empty shell...had no life. He...it...would continue to function. The controls would function, the weapons would fire, the environmentals would be set. But the consciousness...that was lost.
No, not lost, transferred, but gone from its correct home. Crais had lost the last things that he had. Talyn was free to move, free to live wherever he chose, free to explore worlds he knew only a little about. Carma, the one person who had cared about his future, was lost to him forever. Now he truly was alone.
He continued undressing, deeply-ingrained habit making him fold his clothes instead of letting them lay wherever they fell. Last of all he pulled the thong from his hair and let it fall loose around his shoulders. Finally he lay back, stretched out naked on his bed and stared at the dark ceiling. Then he allowed his self-control to slip away at last. He lay there a long time before he finally fell asleep, hearing only his own heartbeat, feeling only the tears running down his face.
***
"This body...it is strange," Talyn said, his forehead wrinkling in thought.
"How is it strange Talyn?" Aeryn asked. Talyn seemed to naturally gravitate towards her for advice.
"I have...many feelings that I do not understand," Talyn replied, looking uncomfortable.
Aeryn looked over at the others, eating their dinner and not listening to them. "What kind of feelings?" she asked curiously.
"This body...wants things that I do not want."
Aeryn began to understand, Talyn carried on trying to explain. "This body is...female?" he said, uncertain of the new species.
"And your body wants...Crais." Aeryn said, suddenly having to suppress the urge to laugh.
Talyn nodded. "And to me that...does not seem right. Crais is my...." he broke off, trying to work out the word in the new language.
"Captain?" Aeryn suggested.
Talyn shook his head, biting his lip. "He is my...father...and these feelings confuse me."
"Talyn...the body you now have used to belong to Carma," Aeryn explained. "And she and Crais were...involved," she finished, mentally reminding herself of Talyn's age.
"I know," Talyn said, nodding. "I see them."
Aeryn looked at him in surprise.
"I not watch," Talyn insisted, "but I see things sometimes. They do not hide from me, only from each other."
"You will...begin to understand these feelings in time, Talyn," Aeryn told him, not sure what else she could say. "I'm sure it must be very...confusing...at first."
Talyn nodded, not looking entirely comfortable.
"Perhaps," Aeryn suggested, "you should stay on board Moya for a little while. Until you...adjust."
"Leave Crais there...alone?"
"I think he will prefer it...for a short time," Aeryn said, comfortingly.
Talyn nodded. "I like to stay here," he said, "I not see a place like this before."
"There are lots of things to show you," Aeryn agreed, wondering silently how well Talyn would be able to cope.
***
Crais spent the next day doing routine repairs and not thinking. Thinking hurt too much. Aeryn had sent a communication explaining that Talyn would be staying on Moya and Crais was grateful for her help. Looking at Talyn, seeing Carma but knowing that it was Talyn inside her, was more than he could cope with. A dull ache had settled in his chest. The nightmares from when she had been struggling to survive her deuterol withdrawal had come back to him the night before. Only now he saw her ghost, blaming him for her death. Or maybe that was just his own sense of guilt.
He had tried to do what was best for her...and instead he had killed her. He had once promised not to let her die and she had promised him the same. He had broken his word...and she was no longer alive to keep hers.
***
"I can't believe I'm doing this," Crichton said.
"You did offer," Aeryn pointed out. "You told me it would help Talyn's co-ordination."
"Okay, okay. Right Talyn, just do what I do."
Talyn nodded, the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth as he concentrated on Crichton.
Crichton took a deep breath, closed his eyes, raised his arms above his head and opened his mouth.
"Head, shoulders, knees and toes."
***
"Hey Crais."
Crais looked up. "Hello Crichton," he said, using his voice for the first time in two solar days. "I...did not know that you were on board."
"Well I just came to give you Talyn's school report," Crichton said, slightly relieved that Crais did not look especially murderous.
"Yes..." Crais said, trying to sound normal. "How...is he doing?"
"Well he's mastered walking, he's still a bit of a messy eater but he'll get the hang of it. Aeryn's...trying to teach him to use other tenses than the present," Crichton said, feeling stupid at trying to have a normal conversation with a man who'd just lost his lover. "He'll be fine. He's having a few problems with the new body, but...." he broke off. "Crais...is there...something I could do?"
"There is nothing," Crais answered flatly.
For the first time in their entire acquaintance, Crichton wished that Crais was lying to him.
***
Crais tossed and turned for arns that night until he finally sank into a mercifully dreamless sleep. His whole body felt drained at the effort of carrying on as normal. All he wanted to do was sleep.
After what felt like only a microt, he felt himself being shaken awake.
"Crais!" he heard. "Crais!"
For a moment all he saw was Carma, then he remembered.
"Talyn," he said, rubbing his eyes. "I thought that you were on Moya."
Talyn looked at him, eyes shining. "I find her!" he exclaimed excitedly.
Crais paused a moment. "What?" he asked, still not quite awake.
"I find her! I find Carma!"
That jerked him awake instantly.
"What do you mean? I thought she was gone?" he asked, longing to believe Talyn.
"I think she is, but I find her!" Talyn insisted.
"Where is she?" Crais asked, his heartbeat doubling in speed.
Talyn didn't answer, instead he put his hands onto the transponder in his neck and closed his eyes.
When he opened them Crais knew instantly that it wasn't Talyn he was looking at.
"Carma," he said in amazement.
"Yeah," she said, her bright eyes shining through the darkness at him. "It's me."
"Carma...what has happened?" Crais asked, his voice cracking.
"Me and Talyn," Carma said, raising her eyes to the ceiling. Crais suddenly realised that he could hear Talyn's usual sounds above him. "We are truly one."
"How?" Crais asked, reaching out to touch her face.
"I don't know, but we are," Carma said, putting her hand over his, "and we're free, both of us."
"You are no longer feeling your...instability?"
"No," she said softly, "it's gone, Talyn's too. Now we will continue to heal together."
"With Talyn inside your body?" Crais asked, in disbelief.
"It's already been so good for him," Carma said, smiling softly at him, "and I have felt things I've never imagined. We are working together to recover...to grow."
"Carma...why did Talyn believe that you were gone?" Crais asked urgently.
"He is greater than I am, he almost lost me, but I am strong," Carma said, "I am finding my way back."
"Can you not...maintain the link through the transponder and return to your own body?" Crais asked, willing her to say yes.
She looked back at him, her eyes telling him that he would not like what he heard.
"We have to remain like this if we are both to grow," Carma said to him quietly. "One day we will separate...for now, you must be patient. We will be stronger for it when I return to you."
"Can you...return to your own body at any time?"
"It is disorientating for Talyn to move back and forth...but, sometimes, maybe."
She leaned forward, let her fingers trail down his face and kissed him softly. Crais wrapped his arms around her and returned the kiss. All too soon, she broke away. "I have to go back," she said quietly.
Crais nodded, still looking at her. She looked back at him. "I love you," she said softly. "It won't be long, I promise."
"I love you too," Crais replied, equally softly. She smiled at him. "I know," she said simply.
She blinked and then she was gone...and Talyn was back in her body.
"Do you speak with her?" Talyn asked anxiously.
"Yes Talyn," Crais replied, clearing his throat in a effort to get rid of the lump in it. "I spoke to her."
"She explain to you?"
"Yes, Talyn. I...understand."
"It is not long," Talyn added. "I try to...learn fast."
"I...am sure that you will," Crais replied.
Talyn paused, looking awkward. "She love you," he said abruptly.
Crais managed a smile. "I know."