Title: Days of Blood and Scalpels
Disclaimer: ER isn't mine. Aren't you glad?
Summary: A twisted look at the burning question of who will win Abby's
heart.
Spoilers: I guess anything is fair game.
Author's notes: Thanks or blame go to the people at Television Without
Pity, and the endless arguments about Carter/Luka/Abby. IMO, Carter comes
out worse, because the snarking on him is more creative, so I used it.
However, evidence to the contrary, I am a Carter Lover.
Place: The Carter Mansion
John Truman Carter steps on to the set. Immediately, a mob of women, all wearing
shirts with the words "Croation Sensation" charge after him.
Mob: Burn the devil! Rescue the fair Abby from his Oedipus clutches, and send
her anon to her true love Saint Luka!
A voice pipes up from the mob: But, I wanted Luka for myself!
Second voice: Hands off, slut. He's mine!
Carter uses the distraction to exit, stage left. But alack and alas! Another mob
awaits him. These chicks are decked out in "Carter Lover" shirts.
Carter Lover Mob: Take it off! Naked Carter! Take it off! Naked Carter!
Carter (aside to the audience): Don't you find it a bit unrealistic for a mob of
people to chant in perfect unison?
A TV monitor ascends from the heavens, with all the outlandish plots of ER over
the years. A James Earl Jones-y voice proclaims the profound word of "DUH!"
Carter: I hear ya.
He runs back into his opulent mansion (PSST! He lives with his Grandma! And,
he calls her Gamma!) Sitting on the gold plated floor is Lady Eleanor, the Ice
Queen, and her husband, Rockin Rolling Roland, a.k.a. Jack. A board game lies
between them.
Carter approaches warily: Um, Mom, Dad? Aren't we supposed to be a sinkhole of
dysfunction?
Jack: Yes
Carter: It doesn't seem very dysfunctional to be playing board games.
Jack(Rolling his eyes): Haven't you heard of the phrase 'They put the fun in
dysfunctional'?
Carter (Looking confused and stupid, or confused and cute, depending on your
shirt): I don't get it.
Jack: Are you an idiot? What's more fun than a board game?
A Carter Lover opens her mouth to answer, but she's quickly shushed.
Carter: Why are you being so mean?!
Jack: How else can you develop an inferiority complex that makes you seek
approval from us in any way possible? I suppose I could ignore you, but your
mother is taking care of that end. (taps Lady Eleanor on the shoulder) She won't
thaw out for a few more scenes at least.
Place: The Lockhart House
The Fair Abby sits by her window, singing a mournful tune. Abby: Will-o-wisp Will-o-wisp Flitting here and there Tell me true, o tell me true Oh how shall my heart fair?
At this point, the audience groans. Abby the Fair glares at them.
Abby: What? I'm a chain smoking, gloomy nurse who spends her days drinking
and performing pathologically disturbing stunts with my friend Carterpus Rex.
You want me to sing Grammy winning songs, too? I didn't write this crap, so shut
up and listen.
Will my lover be tall Or maybe taller? Will he kill a man to prove he's true? Or will he just pay someone to do it for him?
More groans from the audience. The Fair Abby gives them the stink-eye. As she
looks out her window, a man in a suit of armor, on a horse, comes charging by. It is Saint Luka.
Luka: My precious! My sweet! I've brought you what you most desire! (He places
a package on the windowsill)
Abby(ripping it open, hoping it's booze): A comb! What the hell made you think I
desired a comb more than anything?!
Luka (peering at the script): Whoops! It was supposed to be what the audience
most desired. Now, you comb your raven locks and pull them back into a ponytail
to disguise your true age, because you're older than both Carter and me, you hag!
Um, I mean, as you comb your beautiful locks, I will whisper sweet nothings to
you, in the tongue of my people. (Proceeds to speak gibberish. Yeah, like YOU
speak Croation. He could be singing The Hokey Pokey for all we know)
Abby: Enough! You must prove your love for me. Go perform some act that will
sweep me off my feet. (She sends him on his way)
Place: The Forest (There's always a forest)
Saint Luka rides. And rides. He slays a few dragons. And a wizard. And a
mother and child. And Santa Claus.
Luka (aside to the audience): I'm really a nice hunky Croation. It's just I'm in the
midst of missing my dead wife and children. Yeah, I know I'm trying to deflower
Abby the Fair, but she's taking the place of that other nurse who reminded me of
my dead wife. Sick, I know, but at least she doesn't remind me of my mother!
The villagers (there are always villagers) cower in terror over the wrath of Saint
Luka. They converge in the village square.
First Villager: We must find a way to turn Saint Luka back to his nice hunky self!
Second Villager: Maybe we could get him to join an anger management class?
First Villager: Nah, that's Psych's department, and you know what happens when
they get involved.
(Players and audience take a moment of silence for Lucy Knight)
Third Villager: But what shall we do!
At this point a tall man, in red robes strides towards them.
Tall man: Never fear. For I am the answer to your prayers Villagers: Who are you?
Tall Man: I am the Magical Mystical Bishop. Once your Luka meets me, he will
no longer carry that murderous brooding rage inside of him.
A member of the Croation Sensation Mob (remember them?) rushes up: Could you
keep a little brooding? He looks so HOT when he broods.
MM Bishop: Whatever. (He strides over to Luka.)
Luka lifts up his bare hands to kill - because he's Luka, and he don't NEED no
stinking sword!
MM Bishop: Hold! I see the pain in your eyes! I will remove your burden of
sorrow. (He proceeds to do some magical bishop stuff)
The murderous rage disappears from Saint Luka's eyes, but he still keeps some
brooding, because you don't mess with a mob of horny women.
Luka: I feel light! I feel free! I feel like playing a video game and shagging a
French waitress!
MM Bishop: Hold! Do not forget Abby the Fair. Or the Fair Abby, for that matter.
Luka: Oh, yeah. (Rides back through the forest)
MM Bishop: My work is not yet done. Far away, in a manor of despair (where he
lives with his Gamma, don't forget) lives a man who just wants love, or he wants
his parents to stop ignoring him, or he wants to do dirty things to Abby the Fair
(a.k.a the Fair Abby) or all he cares about is himself. Anyway, he's messed up,
and I must help him. Away!
Place: The Carter Mansion
Carter: Alas, and ah! Woe. Tis a horrible thing to be so maligned. To have my
honorable intent for Abby the Fair placed in doubt. (He flings out his arms
dramatically, and looks at the audience to see their reactions)
The audience shifts in their seats. The Croation Sensation Mob snickers. The
Carter Lover Mob make 'We still love you, and want to get in your pants' motions
towards him. (No, I don't know what that looks like)
Carter: What??
Lady Eleanor (stepping out from the pool of water left over, now that the ice
surrounding her has melted): John, don't you remember the last time you tried to
do Shakespeare?
Carter: Oh, right. (grins in a sheepish and boyish way, that will appeal to the
teenage set) Anyway, I'm in a bad place right now. I think I'll shoot up some
drugs.
MM Bishop: Hold!
Carter: H-how did you get here?
MM Bishop: Because I'm mystical and magical. (Proceeds to cast spell)
Carter (with little hearts where his pupils are supposed to be): Mom! You look hot
today. I've always had a thing for petite brunettes with an alcohol problem.
Lady Eleanor: Carter, I am your mother!
Carter: Yeah, but this is a pathetic rip off of a Shakespearean type play, written by
a horny fan of ME! Kinkiness is to be expected. (He chases his mom around the
mansion)
MM Bishop: Hold! (He freezes the Carter clan. Aside to the audience): Wrong
spell. (He casts another spell and unfreezes them)
Carter: I feel a new confidence! I must seek the Fair Abby. I still have a thing for
petite brunettes with an alcohol problem.
He jumps in his horse drawn carriage, and has Alger drive him to Abby - because
he's rich and he can PAY someone to take him where he wants to go!
Place: The Lockhart House
Carter and Luka stand facing each other and snarling.
Someone from one of the mobs: Why don't you just whip it out already?!
Someone else from one of the mobs: Isn't there a part about seeing who's bigger?
(No one is listening, because they're imagining their preferred man without pants)
Abby the Fair glances out her window again: Ah, two men set to woo me! Tell me
true, how will you treat me. Give me the bitter with the sweet, so I can make a wise
reply.
Carter: Dearest Abby, I will literally sweep you off your feet and send you to an AA meeting, and bring you flowers, and buy you whatever you want, because I
have money to burn.
Abby: And the bad? Do not hesitate. I will keep it in perspective.
Carter: Well, there is that thing where I'll neglect you in order to get ahead. And,
I'm not much of a kisser. Oh, and in our most intimate moments, I just MIGHT call
you Mommy.
Abby, shuddering: Ah, yes. Now, you Luka.
Luka: Lovely Abby I will avenge you from all attackers. I may no longer be in a
murderous rage, but I still have fists that can show a man who's boss . I will also
play board games with you.
Carter snorts: I still don't see what good board games are.
Luka: You would if they were played like THIS.
*CENSORED*
Abby, looking intrigued, but still shuddering: And, what of the bad?
Luka: Well, in a fight, I MIGHT cast aspersions to your lack of beauty, that might
just be me making a comparative statement. And, I do have a weakness for a
certain blonde waitress. And, my idea of a hot date is the Ice Capades
Carter perks up at the mention of a blonde. But, he quickly squelches it, because
the Fair Abby is the leading female character, so he has to have the hots for her,
even if her hair is the wrong color.
Abby the Fair (and that other one) turns to the audience: Good friends! Help me
to decide. I find them both pleasing to the eye, but I find faults in their souls.
Should it be Luka? (The Croation Sensation Mob advances, muttering that THEY
should have him) Or Carter? (Ditto the Carter Lover Mob)
Abby sees the mob of women coming at her from both sides: Alack! Help! Woe is
me!
Fade Out.
James Earl Jones-y voice: Who does the Fair Abby the Fair choose? Watch next season of ER.... IF YOU DARE!!! (laughs maniacally)
Place: The Carter Mansion
John Truman Carter steps on to the set. Immediately, a mob of women, all wearing
shirts with the words "Croation Sensation" charge after him.
Mob: Burn the devil! Rescue the fair Abby from his Oedipus clutches, and send
her anon to her true love Saint Luka!
A voice pipes up from the mob: But, I wanted Luka for myself!
Second voice: Hands off, slut. He's mine!
Carter uses the distraction to exit, stage left. But alack and alas! Another mob
awaits him. These chicks are decked out in "Carter Lover" shirts.
Carter Lover Mob: Take it off! Naked Carter! Take it off! Naked Carter!
Carter (aside to the audience): Don't you find it a bit unrealistic for a mob of
people to chant in perfect unison?
A TV monitor ascends from the heavens, with all the outlandish plots of ER over
the years. A James Earl Jones-y voice proclaims the profound word of "DUH!"
Carter: I hear ya.
He runs back into his opulent mansion (PSST! He lives with his Grandma! And,
he calls her Gamma!) Sitting on the gold plated floor is Lady Eleanor, the Ice
Queen, and her husband, Rockin Rolling Roland, a.k.a. Jack. A board game lies
between them.
Carter approaches warily: Um, Mom, Dad? Aren't we supposed to be a sinkhole of
dysfunction?
Jack: Yes
Carter: It doesn't seem very dysfunctional to be playing board games.
Jack(Rolling his eyes): Haven't you heard of the phrase 'They put the fun in
dysfunctional'?
Carter (Looking confused and stupid, or confused and cute, depending on your
shirt): I don't get it.
Jack: Are you an idiot? What's more fun than a board game?
A Carter Lover opens her mouth to answer, but she's quickly shushed.
Carter: Why are you being so mean?!
Jack: How else can you develop an inferiority complex that makes you seek
approval from us in any way possible? I suppose I could ignore you, but your
mother is taking care of that end. (taps Lady Eleanor on the shoulder) She won't
thaw out for a few more scenes at least.
Place: The Lockhart House
The Fair Abby sits by her window, singing a mournful tune. Abby: Will-o-wisp Will-o-wisp Flitting here and there Tell me true, o tell me true Oh how shall my heart fair?
At this point, the audience groans. Abby the Fair glares at them.
Abby: What? I'm a chain smoking, gloomy nurse who spends her days drinking
and performing pathologically disturbing stunts with my friend Carterpus Rex.
You want me to sing Grammy winning songs, too? I didn't write this crap, so shut
up and listen.
Will my lover be tall Or maybe taller? Will he kill a man to prove he's true? Or will he just pay someone to do it for him?
More groans from the audience. The Fair Abby gives them the stink-eye. As she
looks out her window, a man in a suit of armor, on a horse, comes charging by. It is Saint Luka.
Luka: My precious! My sweet! I've brought you what you most desire! (He places
a package on the windowsill)
Abby(ripping it open, hoping it's booze): A comb! What the hell made you think I
desired a comb more than anything?!
Luka (peering at the script): Whoops! It was supposed to be what the audience
most desired. Now, you comb your raven locks and pull them back into a ponytail
to disguise your true age, because you're older than both Carter and me, you hag!
Um, I mean, as you comb your beautiful locks, I will whisper sweet nothings to
you, in the tongue of my people. (Proceeds to speak gibberish. Yeah, like YOU
speak Croation. He could be singing The Hokey Pokey for all we know)
Abby: Enough! You must prove your love for me. Go perform some act that will
sweep me off my feet. (She sends him on his way)
Place: The Forest (There's always a forest)
Saint Luka rides. And rides. He slays a few dragons. And a wizard. And a
mother and child. And Santa Claus.
Luka (aside to the audience): I'm really a nice hunky Croation. It's just I'm in the
midst of missing my dead wife and children. Yeah, I know I'm trying to deflower
Abby the Fair, but she's taking the place of that other nurse who reminded me of
my dead wife. Sick, I know, but at least she doesn't remind me of my mother!
The villagers (there are always villagers) cower in terror over the wrath of Saint
Luka. They converge in the village square.
First Villager: We must find a way to turn Saint Luka back to his nice hunky self!
Second Villager: Maybe we could get him to join an anger management class?
First Villager: Nah, that's Psych's department, and you know what happens when
they get involved.
(Players and audience take a moment of silence for Lucy Knight)
Third Villager: But what shall we do!
At this point a tall man, in red robes strides towards them.
Tall man: Never fear. For I am the answer to your prayers Villagers: Who are you?
Tall Man: I am the Magical Mystical Bishop. Once your Luka meets me, he will
no longer carry that murderous brooding rage inside of him.
A member of the Croation Sensation Mob (remember them?) rushes up: Could you
keep a little brooding? He looks so HOT when he broods.
MM Bishop: Whatever. (He strides over to Luka.)
Luka lifts up his bare hands to kill - because he's Luka, and he don't NEED no
stinking sword!
MM Bishop: Hold! I see the pain in your eyes! I will remove your burden of
sorrow. (He proceeds to do some magical bishop stuff)
The murderous rage disappears from Saint Luka's eyes, but he still keeps some
brooding, because you don't mess with a mob of horny women.
Luka: I feel light! I feel free! I feel like playing a video game and shagging a
French waitress!
MM Bishop: Hold! Do not forget Abby the Fair. Or the Fair Abby, for that matter.
Luka: Oh, yeah. (Rides back through the forest)
MM Bishop: My work is not yet done. Far away, in a manor of despair (where he
lives with his Gamma, don't forget) lives a man who just wants love, or he wants
his parents to stop ignoring him, or he wants to do dirty things to Abby the Fair
(a.k.a the Fair Abby) or all he cares about is himself. Anyway, he's messed up,
and I must help him. Away!
Place: The Carter Mansion
Carter: Alas, and ah! Woe. Tis a horrible thing to be so maligned. To have my
honorable intent for Abby the Fair placed in doubt. (He flings out his arms
dramatically, and looks at the audience to see their reactions)
The audience shifts in their seats. The Croation Sensation Mob snickers. The
Carter Lover Mob make 'We still love you, and want to get in your pants' motions
towards him. (No, I don't know what that looks like)
Carter: What??
Lady Eleanor (stepping out from the pool of water left over, now that the ice
surrounding her has melted): John, don't you remember the last time you tried to
do Shakespeare?
Carter: Oh, right. (grins in a sheepish and boyish way, that will appeal to the
teenage set) Anyway, I'm in a bad place right now. I think I'll shoot up some
drugs.
MM Bishop: Hold!
Carter: H-how did you get here?
MM Bishop: Because I'm mystical and magical. (Proceeds to cast spell)
Carter (with little hearts where his pupils are supposed to be): Mom! You look hot
today. I've always had a thing for petite brunettes with an alcohol problem.
Lady Eleanor: Carter, I am your mother!
Carter: Yeah, but this is a pathetic rip off of a Shakespearean type play, written by
a horny fan of ME! Kinkiness is to be expected. (He chases his mom around the
mansion)
MM Bishop: Hold! (He freezes the Carter clan. Aside to the audience): Wrong
spell. (He casts another spell and unfreezes them)
Carter: I feel a new confidence! I must seek the Fair Abby. I still have a thing for
petite brunettes with an alcohol problem.
He jumps in his horse drawn carriage, and has Alger drive him to Abby - because
he's rich and he can PAY someone to take him where he wants to go!
Place: The Lockhart House
Carter and Luka stand facing each other and snarling.
Someone from one of the mobs: Why don't you just whip it out already?!
Someone else from one of the mobs: Isn't there a part about seeing who's bigger?
(No one is listening, because they're imagining their preferred man without pants)
Abby the Fair glances out her window again: Ah, two men set to woo me! Tell me
true, how will you treat me. Give me the bitter with the sweet, so I can make a wise
reply.
Carter: Dearest Abby, I will literally sweep you off your feet and send you to an AA meeting, and bring you flowers, and buy you whatever you want, because I
have money to burn.
Abby: And the bad? Do not hesitate. I will keep it in perspective.
Carter: Well, there is that thing where I'll neglect you in order to get ahead. And,
I'm not much of a kisser. Oh, and in our most intimate moments, I just MIGHT call
you Mommy.
Abby, shuddering: Ah, yes. Now, you Luka.
Luka: Lovely Abby I will avenge you from all attackers. I may no longer be in a
murderous rage, but I still have fists that can show a man who's boss . I will also
play board games with you.
Carter snorts: I still don't see what good board games are.
Luka: You would if they were played like THIS.
*CENSORED*
Abby, looking intrigued, but still shuddering: And, what of the bad?
Luka: Well, in a fight, I MIGHT cast aspersions to your lack of beauty, that might
just be me making a comparative statement. And, I do have a weakness for a
certain blonde waitress. And, my idea of a hot date is the Ice Capades
Carter perks up at the mention of a blonde. But, he quickly squelches it, because
the Fair Abby is the leading female character, so he has to have the hots for her,
even if her hair is the wrong color.
Abby the Fair (and that other one) turns to the audience: Good friends! Help me
to decide. I find them both pleasing to the eye, but I find faults in their souls.
Should it be Luka? (The Croation Sensation Mob advances, muttering that THEY
should have him) Or Carter? (Ditto the Carter Lover Mob)
Abby sees the mob of women coming at her from both sides: Alack! Help! Woe is
me!
Fade Out.
James Earl Jones-y voice: Who does the Fair Abby the Fair choose? Watch next season of ER.... IF YOU DARE!!! (laughs maniacally)