The Truth
If Jess hadn't come to talk to me that night, I would have never made the first move. I was so ashamed of judging him, and I knew too well that he was hurt by what I'd said. I could never apologize enough for the way I'd treated him. Truth was, I still loved him and the last thing I wanted him to think was that I felt even a shred of hatred towards him. But from the look on his face, I could see how badly he wanted to mend whatever he'd done.
The next day, after eating breakfast, I went back home. It was Saturday, but mom had business at the inn, so I had the house to myself. I curled up on the couch and opened Jess's Diary. It felt so forbidden at first, to read about his first girlfriend, his first love, his first kiss...But after a while, it just felt like he was telling her those stories. And after a few pages, she realised that who he is now isn't who he was in the eighth grade.
When he was 13, his father passed away. He had been living with him most of his life, but now had to go live with his mother. She had developed a lifestyle that made it hard to accommodate a child. She would go out at night, rarely spending time with Jess. His grades, which had been not outstanding but slightly above average in the past, were beginning to suffer. He just didn't care anymore. So he buried his head in books. He'd spend nights sitting by his window, watching to see if his mother was coming home, looking at the stars, turning on only his book light so he wouldn't dim their beauty. But his mother never did come home. Not until the early hours of the morning and by that time, she was too tired or too hung over to spend time with her son.
He grew up, making a few friends here and there but feeling so lonely all of the time. The smile he put on in public, the stunts he pulled to attract attention were just the facade he put up for the world to see. Inside, he was still that sad 13 year old boy, mourning his father's...his best friend's death, without a shoulder to cry on...Dodger? No, he was more like Oliver. Trying to find his place in the world, with no one who really cared.
Then he moved to Stars Hollow. And for the first time in 4 years, there was someone who saw him for who he truly was inside. There was someone who was able to make him open up (a little), as he'd been keeping every kind of emotion in for years. Love, hate, happy, sad...It was always hidden by the always cool facade.
But with me, he felt like I understood. I didn't know, but I understood him. I knew he wasn't a bad kid. Just a little starved for attention, but without bad intentions. I was his best friend...His only friend. And he was falling in love with her. He saw me with Dean, and it tore his heart. But he knew he couldn't say anything, like you don't say anything about liking the prom queen when you know her football player boyfriend is nearby.
But most of all, he was afraid of losing that friend. His only friend.
Then came Sookie's wedding, and that kiss...He had wanted to avoid it, and at first he wanted to pull away, but he didn't. He refused to. He just pulled me closer and we got caught in the moment. But when I ran away, and then when I left for Washington without saying goodbye, he thought it had just been a heat of the moment thing, without any feelings attached. And so he moved on. He wanted to show me that he had moved on, so I would resume the friendship as it had gone on before. Only, he didn't know that I didn't want that...
This is where the diary ended. I closed the cover and held it in my hands. My eyes were red from crying and I now knew that Jess did still love me after all....There was still hope. And I knew what I had to do.
If Jess hadn't come to talk to me that night, I would have never made the first move. I was so ashamed of judging him, and I knew too well that he was hurt by what I'd said. I could never apologize enough for the way I'd treated him. Truth was, I still loved him and the last thing I wanted him to think was that I felt even a shred of hatred towards him. But from the look on his face, I could see how badly he wanted to mend whatever he'd done.
The next day, after eating breakfast, I went back home. It was Saturday, but mom had business at the inn, so I had the house to myself. I curled up on the couch and opened Jess's Diary. It felt so forbidden at first, to read about his first girlfriend, his first love, his first kiss...But after a while, it just felt like he was telling her those stories. And after a few pages, she realised that who he is now isn't who he was in the eighth grade.
When he was 13, his father passed away. He had been living with him most of his life, but now had to go live with his mother. She had developed a lifestyle that made it hard to accommodate a child. She would go out at night, rarely spending time with Jess. His grades, which had been not outstanding but slightly above average in the past, were beginning to suffer. He just didn't care anymore. So he buried his head in books. He'd spend nights sitting by his window, watching to see if his mother was coming home, looking at the stars, turning on only his book light so he wouldn't dim their beauty. But his mother never did come home. Not until the early hours of the morning and by that time, she was too tired or too hung over to spend time with her son.
He grew up, making a few friends here and there but feeling so lonely all of the time. The smile he put on in public, the stunts he pulled to attract attention were just the facade he put up for the world to see. Inside, he was still that sad 13 year old boy, mourning his father's...his best friend's death, without a shoulder to cry on...Dodger? No, he was more like Oliver. Trying to find his place in the world, with no one who really cared.
Then he moved to Stars Hollow. And for the first time in 4 years, there was someone who saw him for who he truly was inside. There was someone who was able to make him open up (a little), as he'd been keeping every kind of emotion in for years. Love, hate, happy, sad...It was always hidden by the always cool facade.
But with me, he felt like I understood. I didn't know, but I understood him. I knew he wasn't a bad kid. Just a little starved for attention, but without bad intentions. I was his best friend...His only friend. And he was falling in love with her. He saw me with Dean, and it tore his heart. But he knew he couldn't say anything, like you don't say anything about liking the prom queen when you know her football player boyfriend is nearby.
But most of all, he was afraid of losing that friend. His only friend.
Then came Sookie's wedding, and that kiss...He had wanted to avoid it, and at first he wanted to pull away, but he didn't. He refused to. He just pulled me closer and we got caught in the moment. But when I ran away, and then when I left for Washington without saying goodbye, he thought it had just been a heat of the moment thing, without any feelings attached. And so he moved on. He wanted to show me that he had moved on, so I would resume the friendship as it had gone on before. Only, he didn't know that I didn't want that...
This is where the diary ended. I closed the cover and held it in my hands. My eyes were red from crying and I now knew that Jess did still love me after all....There was still hope. And I knew what I had to do.