"Love And The Soul."
Part seventeen of the "What
Am I?" series.
Rating: R. for the entire
series.
Spoilers: I don't have the
time or the energy to go through and state exactly what spoilers are contained
in my fics just assume that anything that has aired in the US is fair game.
Disclaimers: Joss owns everything
fun. I only borrow it for a while.
Feedback: Let me know what
you think. (ladyduvessa19@icqmail.com)
It was all rushing back to him. All the feelings that he once had. All the feelings that she had made disappear. And now she was the one who made them all come back. He found himself complaining to Drusilla. "She thinks she can just use me. That I will settle for being second best. Well I tell you one thing. I WON'T. She's going to be sorry for what she does. Gonna figure out that I'm not just her little lap dog."
"It's a powerful thing. Love. Makes the world so much clearer." Drusilla said.
"It bloody well does not. It pulls a sheet over your eyes. And you know why. Because of you women. It's all your fault. You think I would be like this without you? I damn well wouldn't. I'd be free to be my own man." Spike was coming to a revelation as he spoke.
"You're your own man now. Tall and strong again. Free of her. We could stop them. All of them. Pretty girls with dirty blood. It could be over." Dru was half singing as she spoke.
"Yeah we could do that." Spike said as he hit Drusilla over the head with a metal bar that he had hidden in the sleeve of his duster. "Or we could just go with my plan." He said as she hit the ground.
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He had taken Drusilla to his crypt and put her body in the coffin in the center of his upper level. He then placed several cement blocks on the top of it to ensure that she wouldn't be able to get out. Then he left in search of Aurora.
It took a while, but he finally found her. She was at a bar. He walked over to her much like the night he turned her. He told her she was beautiful and touched her hand ever so slightly. She followed him back to his crypt and he drugged her. When she was so delusional that she made Drusilla sound sane he tied her to the handle of the coffin that Dru laid in. "I'll show them. Show them all how much old Spike has changed." He said just before leaving.
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He couldn't finish what he started. He needed time. Needed to get up the courage. He found himself at the bronze. It was strange being there. Surrounded by disgustingly cheery teenagers. He remembered the first time he saw her. Here in the bronze. She was one of those disgustingly cheery teenagers. *Maybe that's why I always wanted to kill her.* he thought. He ordered some Jack Daniels and as the bartender was pouring him a shot Spike grabbed the whole bottle from his hands.
"Hey!" that bartender protested, but Spike just threw some money at him and walked off to find a table. He was going to drink until he forgot what he saw. He was going to drink until he couldn't remember his own name. *No scratch that. I'm going to drink until I can't remember her name.* he thought.
As the bottle became empty the people around him became more than just his surroundings. They became his form of venting. He saw happy couples and proceeded to tell them that it was all going to end. That they were nothing. That there was nothing that would ever make them happy. It made him feel better. To be able to make these people second guess their relationships. To make them look into it more than they should. To take all of their fantasies that they had and pull them out from under them. He ordered another bottle of something. And sat drinking.
"What's the matter Spike. Got something you're trying to forget?" A familiar voice taunted from behind him.
"What do you want Harris?" he asked just wanting him to go away.
"Nothing from you that's for sure." Xander said taking a seat next to the slightly drunk vampire.
"Then why don't you just leave? Surely there's a big hole in a Scooby meeting without you. Can't get anything done without the guy who makes the donut runs."
"I'll have you know that donuts are a critical part of the thinking process." Xander said.
"Yeah right." Spike replied.
"Besides there's no meeting."
"So why don't you just go home then. We're not exactly chums."
"If I go home Anya just might have the urge to take some vengeance on me." Xander replied.
"Trouble with the soon to be Mrs. Huh? Well I guess we're kind of in the same boat." Spike said as he managed to get a couple of shot glasses. He poured a drink for Xander and then for himself. It was strange. As much as he tormented and 'hated' Xander he really was his only male friend.
"You have girl trouble. I didn't even know you were seeing anyone." Xander said as he drank the shot that Spike just poured for him.
"Right. So what you in trouble for? Did you forget to do the laundry?" Spike said trying to make Xander forget what he had just said.
"No Anya and I just had a little discussion about having children. She seems to think that I'm too immature about the whole thing. I tried to tell her that's why we shouldn't have children for at least another 10 years and she said something about being old and wrinkly and not being around to see her kids graduate and then she kinda threw me out."
"How tragic." Spike said sarcastically as he drank the rest of what was in the bottle and ordered more.
They talked about nothing really. The more Xander drank the more slurred his speech became. Or maybe it was just that Spike was so drunk that he thought Xander's speech was slurred. He talked about Anya. About how she used to be a demon. About how he was kind of glad the wedding never got to happen. And other points of their relationship that Spike could have really cared less about. Then Spike had to know. He knew he shouldn't ask but the alcohol had long ago disrupted his clear thinking.
"Does Buffy ever talk about me?" he asked.
"What?" Xander asked.
"Nothing. Forget it."
"No. You still think you have a chance with her don't you? Give it up Spike. It's never gonna happen." Xander's words grew louder as he spoke.
"She's done a real good job at convincing you lot of that hasn't she. Tells you 'ol Spike here means nothing."
"That's because you don't Spike. You're not a Scooby, you're not her friend, and you're not her enemy. All you are is a sick pathetic stalker." There was a protectiveness to Xander's voice.
"If that's all I am then why did she come to me? When you brought her back she turned to me. Told me about her trip to heaven. Told me everything she couldn't tell to her friends." Spike was defensive.
"She was confused. But hey I think she's come to her senses. She's got us back now. You might as well just leave." Xander said.
"If she's 'come to her senses' why does she still end up in my bed!" Spike yelled and he could see the shock in Xanders face. "That's right Harris. You even caught us once. Came to my crypt looking for an invisible Buffy. Caught me doing my 'exercises'. Your perfect little Buffy in the bed of a demon. Guess that's not so new considering Angel."
"Angel is twice the man you are Spike. He's got a soul." Xander said clearly trying to remain calm, but Spike could tell it bothered him that Buffy had been with him.
"Angel and his BLOODY SOUL!! It always goes back to that doesn't it? I can't love Buffy and she can't love me because I don't have a soul. Did you ever wonder about your lovely bride to be? Do you honestly think that she has a soul?? She was a demon way longer than I was and she's not exactly feeling guilty for the things that she did. If there's a soul in her I'd like to see you prove it." Spike yelled.
"That's it! Shut up about Anya! She loves me and she HAS a soul." Xander said.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night."
"You know I don't know why we put up with you, but I'm sure after I tell Buffy the things you said about her tonight she'd be happy to introduce you to the end of Mr. Pointy."
"You go right ahead and tell Buffy what I said. Watch her turn a bright shade of red. Cause it's true. Every word of it." Spike said.
"Whatever Spike." Xander said standing up from the table.
"And for the record I do love
that woman. Soul or not I love her." Spike yelled at a leaving Xander right
before he threw the bottle in his hand against the wall.
Part 16 || Part 18