"The Man."
Part twenty-one of the "What
Am I?" series.
Rating: R. for the entire
series.
Spoilers: I don't have the
time or the energy to go through and state exactly what spoilers are contained
in my fics just assume that anything that has aired in the US is fair game.
Disclaimers: Joss owns everything
fun. I only borrow it for a while.
Feedback: Let me know what
you think. (ladyduvessa19@icqmail.com)
He had done it. He finally had Buffy in a position where she couldn't leave. Where she had to listen to him. And although he knew that she was his at that moment she wasn't ready to give in. She continued to pull at the handcuffs trying to remove them. And he just stood there. Not moving. His wrist that was connected to hers hung at his side making her bend slightly to try to remove the metal that bonded them together.
"Ok I give. Just tell me what you want and take these damn things off me." Buffy said.
"It's not that easy luv. The second I take these off you you're going to leave. Cause that's what you always do. We argue, you leave. We shag, you leave. We actually begin to have somewhat of a conversation, and you leave." He said.
"I don't always leave." She snipped back.
"Yes you bloody well do. The last time I even saw you you said you just needed to be alone and left. No explanation or anything."
"Ok how can you even throw that in my face? I just learned that I'm not as human as I was and that I won't die unless Willow dies. Kind of a lot of information there. I needed to sort it out. Alone."
"Right. You needed to be alone. That's why you were jumping on Angel the second he came into town." The tension was building between them and part of him wanted to hit her while the other wanted to shag her.
"I was not jumping on Angel." She was defensive.
"No. The two of you were just in the training room kissing to what make sure you wouldn't forget how."
"What are you talking about?" she yelled with a sound of shock in her voice.
"Oh come on Slayer. I saw you. All comfy cozy in the back room with Mr. Nancy Boy himself."
"You saw that?" She asked completely shocked and then began to explain. "It was nothing. One kiss. I was upset. I completely lost it. Angel was there. He took it too far. I told him that there was nothing for us anymore. I told him that there was someone else."
"Doesn't matter what you told him, because you didn't tell him it was me did you?" He looked in her eyes and knew his answer. "Didn't think so. You can tell me as much as you want how you need me. How I make you feel again. You can even tell me that I'm the one for you. But there's always going to be something missing. Because I know you're not going to tell your friends about us. You're never going to tell anyone about us. Because I'm the monster that you hide away in your closet."
"I can't hide it anymore even if I wanted to. You made sure of that. What were you thinking telling Xander?" She yelled.
"See all you're worried about is keeping it from your friends. Well don't worry. Xander didn't believe me for a second. He's got you up on some pedestal where you can't do any wrong."
"So you think that this is wrong. That what is going on between us is wrong. Because I don't anymore. I tried to twist it any way that I could to make it wrong and I can't. This is the only thing in my life that makes sense. It's the only thing keeping me here. And I don't know why. You're supposed to be the one I hate. Yet, for some reason, you're the only one I can stand to be around half of the time. Angel coming here made me realize that. I compared everyone to him. He was the first person I actually loved. And he's why I couldn't love Riley. Because Riley could never be Angel."
"That's real touching, but I don't really care why you couldn't love Capitan Cardboard. And I don't give a bloody damn about Angel. So please just cut the little heart to heart." He didn't know why he said that. She was finally admitting that there was something for them, but there was a part of him that needed to win. He needed to fight with her and there was a part of her that needed to fight with him.
"No. Because I realized something today. When Angel kissed me. When he touched me and comforted me. All I could think about was how he wasn't you. The one person I compared everyone who tried to love me to I compared to you. I wanted him to be you."
"It doesn't make it any less wrong Buffy. And no matter what realizations you might have come to in your head you still want to hide it away. You don't want your little friends to know about us. You want your monster on the side. In the dark. And that's never going to change." He looked at her and she didn't say anything so he continued. "I can't do it anymore Buffy. I can't be the one you hide away. Because that's all I've ever been. You women treat me like dirt. You, Dru, Cecily. All of you."
"You're just mad because you don't wear the pants in the relationship. I'm independent and you don't want that." It was almost like she was trying to change the subject.
"Yeah you wear the pants alright. They're tight and they're pink and I'll do anything you say. But that doesn't matter. It's never going to matter because we don't have a relationship. We have a 'convenience'. Isn't that what you called it? It will never be anything more. And I don't know if I want it to be." At those words Buffy looked hurt. He had never seen her like that. They had fought and he had said some pretty awful things in the past, but never had she looked so hurt by his words.
"I can do this Spike. I can tell everyone. I can try harder. I can be whatever you need me to be. But I can't do anything without you. I need you." He knew that she meant it. He could tell by the tone in her voice and the way her eyes seemed to look right threw him.
"Do you know what you do to me Buffy? What all you women I choose to love do to me? You turn me into the one thing that I never want to be again. You turn me into William. You turn me into the pathetic man that I was when I was alive. When I was turned I realized that I could be something else. I could be someone else. And Dru showed me how to be evil. She made me into the monster that I was. I did it all for her. Every person I killed I killed for her. To make her proud of me. To make her love me. And then she was gone and I realized that I didn't know who I was. So I stuck to the thing I had been good at. I stuck to killing. And then the bloody chip had to take away the one thing that I was good at. And then you. When I couldn't devote my time to trying to kill you anymore I realized that was never what I wanted to do anyways. I loved you Buffy. From the first time I saw you." He looked at her and she spoke.
"What are you saying?" she asked.
"I'm saying that you make me the man that I don't ever want to be again."
"What's wrong with that man?"
"Everything's wrong with him. He's a nobody. He's the person that everyone turns into a joke. He's pathetic." He couldn't look at her anymore. He turned away only to leave them in an awkward position with his hand behind his back still connected to hers with the handcuffs.
"You're not pathetic. And
I don't know what you were like when you were alive, but I know one thing.
You're the man I love. You. The man."
Part 20 || Part 22