26 BBY
Carol Tremmar rarely received unsolicited visits from Jedi. When Siri Tachi had asked him to meet and called it urgent, he had little idea what to expect. Though an attorney, he did not work as a prosecutor. Rather, he worked as a solicitor under the Coruscant Planetary Attorney for the commission that oversaw Jedi accountability. And Jedi rarely reported conflicts themselves, though they were supposed to. It was an ongoing conversation between their commission and the organization that accidental property destruction or death during mission was not uncovered until the Jedi were asked about it. But he had scheduled this meeting with the Jedi Knight, and stood to offer a handshake as his secretary led Siri into his office. Once she took a proffered seat, Tremmar moved back behind his desk, looking over the Jedi curiously. "I appreciate you coming to me. I sure you that whatever your concern might be we will handle it as soon as we can. But I'm going to need to know more. What can I do for you?"
Siri dropped her shoulders, and then sat up in the chair. Better to just let it out. "A padawan confided in me, months ago, that she was being sexually abused by her master. I took her to report it to the Council, and almost immediately, she faced retaliation that's only growing from other masters in the Order. The Council reassigned her to a new master, but they made her sit with him first after only a week. He's been manipulating her, and a lot of others. More than I care to admit. She's already saying she wishes she hadn't told anyone." Siri shook her head, setting her hands on her knees. "Can you do something about this?"
Carol blinked, trying to hide the discomfort on his face. "That's awful." He managed after a moment. He knew better than most that the Jedi were not omniscient and all good deities, but such a disgusting act against a youngling. "Tell me more about her."
"Young woman," Siri corrected. "She's almost twenty-two, but the abuse started when she was fifteen. She's a good padawan. She wants to be a teacher."
He winced. Carol usually was more careful about assuming age. "I see. And the Order didn't. Notice? In that time?"
"No." Siri shook her head. "My." She sighed. "My friend Obi-Wan Kenobi, he saw a bruise on her cheek when she was seventeen. She'd been running through some lightsaber training with his padawan. She said it was a training accident, and he didn't think to report it higher. But Cait-the padawan-she says now that her master had beat her when she tried to run from him."
"I will tell the Solicitor General, and she will request the perpetrator from your ranks." He shook his head. "This is grave news, Master Tachi."
"I know." Siri's eyes glossed over. "I took her to Master Koon because I thought he would handle it. And he is speaking out, so is Master Gallia, but for most of the Council, it seems like business as usual. My heart aches for Cait. She started by saying she would be okay to keep training with him. Now she's saying she wishes she had never told anyone."
"The Solicitor's office will make a full course of recommendations. I fear it is too late to help Cait. But if the Order would let her see an expert." He paused. "For now, what else do you know about the perpetrator?"
"His name is Soreyn Bedo. He's a Jedi Guardian. Cait was his second apprentice. She says that he physically abused his first padawan, his name is Lyle Arche? Lyle is a knight now. He's confirmed it." She paused. "What else would you like to know?"
"Who was his master? And what actions has the Order taken to reprimand him?'
"Bedo's master is dead. But her master is alive, his name is Torm Vin. He used to be on the Council. He has completely sided with Cait, as has Lyle." Siri winced, trying to remember everything as it had happened. "The Order has demoted Bedo to Knight, and forbidden him from taking padawans for five years. He is also not to approach Cait, and not to see her without permission. But there are those therapy sessions." Siri shook her head. "As I understand it, Cait has refused to go since the first."
"And how severe what you say being bumped from Master to Knight is? What is a good equivalent in terms of punishment in the civilian world?"
Siri winced again and shook her head, spreading her hands as she thought. "It typically takes training a padawan to knighthood to become a Jedi Master. We're usually padawans ourselves from around twelve to twenty-two or twenty-three, sometimes a bit older. And then we have to train a padawan to knighthood. I am technically not a Master myself, I'm still training my first padawan."
He frowned. "So it is a significant punishment then? Or is it more symbolic than anything?"
"It should be pretty significant, socially." Siri tensed. "But Cait is the only one facing retaliation, really. Those condemning him are too quiet. Cait is really being targeted by masters I would-" She shook her head. "I would never have expected it from a lot of these masters."
Tremmar was silent for a moment, typing out a stack of notes before looking up to Siri. "Then there are two problems. Helping Cait and ensuring accountability for Soreyn Bedo."
Siri watched him. "If possible, please keep me anonymous."
He nodded. "I would not like to lose the contact. I will keep your information secret."
"Thank you." She exhaled. "Is there any more you need from me to look into this?"
He leaned forward. "Dates. Times to response. Who knows what. What council members took point. All or any of that would help."
She listed as many dates as she could remember, though he would have to confirm. She told him that she had spoken about the abuse with Plo Koon and with her own master, she reminded him of who was on the Council of Reconciliation, and told him that, as far as she knew, Mace Windu had been checking in with Cait frequently since the abuse became public. "Are you going to call Cait in first, or talk to the Council," she asked.
"I am going to push this one level higher. I suspect that my boss will ask to speak to Cait."
Siri tapped her hand on her leg. "Do you think that will happen soon?"
"By the end of the day tomorrow." Carol said. "I don't see any other possibility, to be honest. This needs to be resolved."
"Thank you." Siri kept tapping her knee until she stood. "I wish you had been told without my having to take the responsibility."
"I do as well." He sounded grave. "Jedi Tachi. I hope your Order does not resist the investigation."
"I don't know what to expect. I never thought it would be handled the way we've been handling it."
Carol looked at her, shaking his head in disappointment. "Neither would I."
Siri pulled out her comlink, ready to message her padawan once she had left. "Bye."
"You'll hear from the Solicitor General's office by tomorrow."
"I will directly, or I should I expect someone at the Temple?"
"At the Temple. You won't be approached directly." He nodded. "Now if you'll excuse me. I must put this information to use."
Oppo Rancisis glanced at the other two members present. A permanent member, he always attended meetings of the Council on Reconciliation. It was disheartening to see every time the impermanent members chose to skip meetings with the Solicitor General's office. Master C'boath was the only temporary member in attendance. "Mr. Tremmar, I was under the impression we had settled accounts with the Republic for the month. I know that it must be important or you would not have brought the matter before us. What has happened?"
The lawyer tapped his datapad, though the screen was off. "I have a specific question, if you three will bear with me. I think it will require a specific answer. Has an older, female apprentice reported sexual abuse from her Jedi Master within the past two months?"
Plo Koon would have smiled if the matter hadn't been so grave. He leaned forward in his chair. "Such a report has been made. Though we have tried to handle it internally, I'm certain my fellow masters will agree it is worth bringing to the Republic's-"
"Speak for no one but yourself," C'boath snapped. "I think you speak too soon, as you should know enough not to."
Rancisis waved his hand at the other masters, hoping to quiet them before the conflict escalated to a fight. "Please, counsel, how did you come by this information?"
"The Solicitor General's question is why she was not told by this body," Tremmar replied.
Koon folded his arms, glancing at the other ranking member. "The reasons cited internally were that such cases historically have been handled by this council." He returned his gaze to Tremmar. "Incidents entirely inside the Order have traditionally been handled by the Order, right or wrong."
C'baoth flared his nostrils. "The Order knows best how to handle our own members. With all due respect, solicitor, no one outside the Order was harmed, so if we could keep this conversation within the realm of your jurisdiction that would be wonderful." He flicked his hand as if to dismiss the matter entirely. "Was there anything else?"
Tremmar narrowed his eyes. "Take a breath, please. You can't start the sin-confrontation system with me." He turned back to Koon and Rancisis. "We have asked, repeatedly, to be informed even in the midst of internal incidents of this nature. We thought this matter had been settled. When you are entrusted to care for many of the children of this galaxy, certain precautions must be taken. Has the padawan been in contact with her biological parents?"
"She has not. We have parental rights over her as an organization, and have put her into proper care with a new, caring master." Oppo Rancisis was calm in voice and demeanor. "This was a terrible crime and we have already demoted the master in question. He is attending courses to manage his anger and need for control. I believe that should prove sufficient. The Order has always maintained the right to handle our own internal affairs as a sovereign government."
"And yet we are guests on Republic soil and hold ourselves to the same laws in principle." Koon managed to keep from tensing. "I don't think there is anything wrong with letting the Republic charge and try the. Individual in question. So long as the Order carries out the sentencing, as we have in the past."
The Solicitor General did think they had a case. She had just hoped the Order would cooperate before they needed to pass this off to a prosecutor. "We have taken the liberty of reaching out to Padawan Sellin." Tremmar displayed her response on a view screen, the message one of paranoid dismissal and fear. "She seems concerned with retaliation. And as I understand it, she has already faced some. As I understand it, this body handled this internal affair by forcing her to sit down with her abuser a week after the initial report."
"As is none of your business." C'baoth insisted. "I think we're done here."
Rancisis sent him a pained look. "Why such haste?"
"Cait Sellin is the victim, yes?" Tremmar didn't even wait for C'baoth to engage his colleague.
"She is." Koon's throat ached. "She has had a hard time of it. She deserves justice, but I don't think a prolonged court appearance will bring that for her."
Tremmar shook his head, though he didn't think any of them knew for sure what would serve Cait best, without talking to her. "I am not bringing any charges, that doesn't concern me. What does concern me is that this abuse survivor is afraid to talk to my office about her abuse. How should we fix that?"
"Perhaps it would be best to simply go through us instead of subverting our authority." C'baoth suggested. "There is a procedure you know."
"No one-way procedure." Tremmar narrowed his eyes. "Your Council had a responsibility to inform us. When you didn't, we could only make assumptions as to why, each one more reason to not approach you directly when we sought to investigate. It would seem members of your organization agree, hence our tips."
Plo Koon raised both hands. "Before we start a shouting match, I should reiterate that any member not under censure is a private citizen and may speak or not speak at will. If Master Abbisey, does not object, then there is no reason at all why you should not be able to speak with her."
Tremmar pointed to the message exchange. "She's afraid of this Council. Why?"
"That would be a question to ask her. We don't routinely read our padawan's minds." C'baoth snorted. "Now that you've asked your questions, are we through here?"
The solicitor looked back at him, and curtly shook his head. "No." He turned back to Rancisis and Koon. "What are you going to do to show this abuse survivor that her body and mind do not belong to you, or her masters, or anyone else?"
"You are a guest in our halls and you will respect us," C'baoth shot.
"Peace, Jorus, this is not the time to let anger cloud our vision." Rancisis sounded the words out. "I do not know the answer to that question. But Tremmar, it might be wise to make a formal request, so that we can spend our time searching for these answers."
Tremmar set his jaw. "I think the Order needs to spend some time searching for new answers, and reexamining old ones. But allow me to start here-please make it clear to Padawan Sellin that she can speak to me, or a prosecutor, or the police, or anyone else, without facing retaliation or coaching from anyone in this organization. And please make that real."
Koon nodded vigorously, his rebreather loosening for a moment. "I shall ensure that much. What else can we do?"
"If I may speak to anyone in your organization, I would most appreciate your help in gaining an audience with Cait herself. Her abuser was Soreyn Bedo?" They had not said as much, but Tremmar knew from the information Siri Tachi had given their office.
Koon glanced at Rancisis who remained silent. He frowned. "We will submit a report of our findings if you are requesting information about the case. But such information should be presented in the usual way, in writing."
"When should we expect the file?"
"Within the five weeks during which you are normally told to expect files." C'baoth responded. "We cannot be more specific than that."
Tremmar sighed, shaking his head. He waved the holos of the text conversation with Cait closed and slipped his datapad away. "I trust you will assure Cait Sellin she can speak with me and should not fear you within the next few days. I'm sure the fact she does is of grave concern to all three of you."
"It is." Plo Koon asserted. "Thank you for bringing this to the forefront of the Council's attention."
"I have one more question-is Cait Sellin still being made to meet with her abuser?"
"She has not attended sessions with him for nearly two months," Rancisis offered. "Though she is being urged to attend sessions to help her overcome her trauma."
Tremmar narrowed his eyes. "Private sessions, or sessions with him?"
"Private sessions." Plo Koon assured him.
The solicitor nodded. "Do you have any questions for me, Councilors?"
"I don't believe so." Oppo Rancisis sighed. "I trust that this will be resolvable within the next several weeks. We would prefer to avoid a media fallout."
"As would we. And I'm sure that when you get me sitting down with Cait Sellin in the next few days, she will be in agreement." Tremmar stood, nodding. "Good day Councilors. I will let you start on that report."
"Good day." Plo Koon nodded.
C'baoth smiled, though it read as more of a smirk. "Good day, Counsel."
Tremmar bowed more deeply, ingrained respect for the Jedi clashing with his current distaste for their unwillingness to act decisively. He turned, walking out with his back stiff. Perhaps he'd have to send Plo Koon a private comm message to ensure that things were done according to procedure.
Now that the younglings were gone, Cait had fallen silent, her mind floating. Master Drallig, the Battlemaster, had asked for her to display Makashi to some of his students who were still narrowing their forms down, and now, they sat across from each other, refining the blades to their right settings. Cait didn't know how some managed to turn so low, but it didn't matter. What they did now was almost robotic. Still, in the past, she would have been conversing with Drallig, even if it were brief. She couldn't stop thinking about how much had changed, even since that first therapy session with her former master. So many masters were talking about her now, the council could hardly keep up, or they didn't care to. It had brought her so far down, that now, without the Younglings to distract her, she was silent.
Drallig glanced up, checking carefully to see if Cait was in a state of Force meditation or mere silence. When he saw that her mind was wandering, he reached out with his mind to check the various dials on the sabers. None were set hot enough to cause permanent damage. Even so, he tilted his head. "Cait?"
She looked up, keeping her hands in place. "Yes?" Her tone was soft, the words coming out through an exhale.
"I really appreciate you helping me to show the padawans Form II." He repeated, setting the training saber aside and reaching for a new one. "I think you're ready to learn the variant of Force-pulling into a light attack." He tilted his head. "You won't score hits that way, but the counter reaction of your opponent will open them to a full thrust after they step back and recalibrate."
She exhaled stronger, looking down after a nod. "I'm off again in three days. Can we practice then?" She traded out the practice saber she held for another as she finished the recalibration.
"I believe that works for my schedule. I will send you a comm message." Drallig nodded, looking away to tune a slightly bent bolt within one of the more used training sabers. "Were there any techniques you wanted special attention with?"
"I don't know. Master Abbisey said that Dooku had heard, that he's coming to speak to the Council. And me, I guess."
Drallig nodded. "Dooku still has the makings of a Jedi. He outclassed my own skill with Makashi several years before he left the Order." He smiled small, reflecting on some of the fiercest battles he'd fought. "Though I have won several sparring matches against him."
She took another practice saber, phasing down the focusing crystal of this one, which was too hot. "I've hit him once ever. That was before he left, too."
Drallig nodded. "I hope someday that he may return, but there are many changes that must be made before that occurs."
She didn't say anything for a minute, staring at the practice saber. "I shouldn't have said anything. I wish I hadn't."
Master Drallig looked up, forcing himself to remain calm although her words were troubling. "You are now with a good master, able to pursue your studies without being abused. Surely that is better?"
She shook her head, turning the saber on. "It wasn't a big deal. It's worse now. Do they think I don't hear what they're saying about me?"
Drallig had only heard a few murmurs, and his presence had been enough to silence those, given how far his reputation for being an advocate for younglings and padawans preceded him. He reflected that those small murmurings must sound like a hurricane to the young woman, and that was if they were only the ones he'd overheard. With a padawan nearby they'd be much less careful than they would with him stalking by. "Who have you heard saying things?"
"Everyone who's talking about it at all blames me." Her lip quivered. "It had already been six years, one or two more wouldn't have been that bad."
"You shouldn't have had to put up with it." Drallig insisted. "Nor this. Does the Council know people are gossiping?"
She shook her head, looking up from the saber. "It doesn't matter what I should have or shouldn't have had to put up with. It happened. And now I have to put up with this. And." She cut herself off, shaking her head more erratically. "It's not going to get any better. It's been almost a month, they're not going to stop talking about it."
Drallig fell silent, continuing to tinker with the bent lightsaber bolt before setting it into a pile that needed additional work before use. "Can I help? I've shut people down whenever I see them, and I can broach the subject with any masters that come to me for assistance with training. I do have some pull in that regard."
"Do you think that will stop anyone who's calling me a slut?" She kept watching him, only looking down when her eyes started to water.
He shook his head. "It may not stop them. You're right."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore." She finished with the practice saber on her lap and set it to the side, taking another. "I c-can't say it didn't happen, it did, but I would train with him again if it would just stop all of this. It w-wouldn't, they would just say I lied."
He winced. "You're right, I'm afraid." He had to find a way to change people's minds, but he was just a single master.
She looked up, dragging a hand over her eyes. "So what am I supposed to do? Do you get it, I shouldn't have said anything."
"You did the right thing. It's the others who are in the wrong." He inhaled to calm himself.
"No." She shook her head, shivering. The lightsaber sparked as she lowered her hand back to the base, the tears interacting with the plasma blade. She pulled back before anything hit. "It would have been one more year, maybe two. This isn't going to end."
"That doesn't mean they're right to be speaking about you so terribly for something you couldn't control. Cait. I know this has to be hard, and I can't even imagine how much so. Find peace in the Force to get through the moment to moment, and know you can rely on me if you need support." He pushed a comforting thought to her.
She looked up at him again, her shakes slowing. Her tears didn't stop, but they fell in steadier strings. "How am I supposed to get through the moment to moment if there's no end in sight?" She sniffled, turning the focus up, but she turned it too high and it nicked the back of her hand. She drew back, crying out loudly.
He reached forward with the Force, shutting the saber down. "Cait, are you alright?"
She let him grab her arm, closing her eyes and shaking.
He examined the wound carefully, scowling. "That was tuned much too high." He shook his head. "I'm going to apply some bacta. Go rinse it off in cool water, come to the medical room." He stood, releasing her arm.
Cait followed in a moment later, nursing her now-wet arm with her other hand.
Drallig winced at the angry burnt flesh. "I can't stop this from stinging," he apologized, patting the wound with a sterile cloth. He set the cloth in a rubbish bin and put on a sanitary glove. Drallig measured out the appropriate dose of the painkilling antiseptic, spreading it over Cait's arm. The cooling effect seemed to activate right away, numbing some of the pain. "Now, for this to really heal, I'm going to apply bacta. You know how to change, these, right?" He looked her in the eye to confirm she was listening before he applied the square bandage. "Try not to move it around too much in the meantime. Cait, what happened?"
She sighed, looking down now. Her eyes waned.
He reabsorbed his wince. He knew she was tired, but she'd been close to perfect with his students. He didn't expect anything like this. "Cait, I want you to lay down when you get back, but first I need you to tell your master three things for me, okay?" Drallig watched her face, his chest tight when she barely acknowledged his words. "Cait?"
Her head jumped up, her silver eyes frowning now. The skin around her mouth pulled tight, all the way to her ears.
"Cait, I'm sorry I didn't notice how tired you were sooner." He frowned. He had been watching for it, and she'd been so awake when she was working with the younglings. "Can you tell your master that you need to have at least half an hour of rest between training and classes and that you should get eight or more hours of sleep each night instead of the usual six?" He watched her for another second. He doubted she got six, as it was. "And let him know that I don't want you climbing or straining your arm for the next three weeks." Drallig sighed. "Will you tell him?"
Cait nodded, looking down at her arm. "It l-looked bad." It had only nicked her arm, but it looked so bad.
"It was bad." He frowned at the wound. "It should heal all right with the bacta, but I also want you to go to the medical bay in three days. If it isn't healing right, they'll be able to take care of it." He had seen similar burns. They usually were more than all right with the treatment he'd just prescribed, but better for them to check. "Sorry, I guess it was four things."
She moved her arm away, examining the bandage. Every time it stung for more than a second, the bacta calmed the area. "I'm sorry.
"I should have been watching closer." Drallig winced. How had he not? He needed to be more careful, she was still a padawan, even if a highly skilled one. He guessed he largely thought of her as a knight, but that was ridiculous. She still had a year of training, if not more. He glanced at the half dozen lightsabers on the floor, it would take no more than ten minutes to finish tuning them if he worked full speed at his workbench. "Please forgive me for not noticing."
"I should have been more careful." She exhaled, dropping her head. "C-can we finish them?"
"I'll finish them on my own, it won't take long." Drallig's voice brooked no disagreement. "I want you to go to your quarters, tell your master what I asked you to tell him, and then lay down. Rest will help your body heal."
He saw her eyes well. "I c-can do it, please?"
"Cait, no, I need you to rest. It's no trouble for me, this is my job. I really appreciate all the help you've already given me beyond what you had to." Drallig smiled, gently patting her healthy shoulder. "Please go back to your chambers."
Her shoulder dropped like his hand was a weight. She looked back down, covering her eyes, and, finally, she nodded.
He quickly removed his hand. "It's almost all done. Without you it would have taken twice as long." Drallig tilted his head down, "Right? I really appreciate it."
"I w-want to finish it." She tried to glance up at him, but a heavier weight kept her head down.
Drallig shook his head. "You need the full range of both arms, and right now you have to keep your arm still. I'm sorry, Cait. I know you can do it normally, but I can't let you right now."
Cait drew in a ragged breath. "Okay." He hadn't seen her like this in a while. He wondered if this was what she kept in check every single day, or if the incident had triggered it.
"Okay," Drallig repeated, closing his eyes. "Can you make it back to your quarters? I can go with you"
"I'm f-fine," she choked out, before he'd even finished asking.
"Do you want a minute first?" He asked, sounding each word out.
Cait shook her head, covering her eyes. She tried to draw in a deep breath. The first was too ragged, the second better. "I'm okay." Her voice had immediately calmed. He felt how much energy she spent to that end.
"Lay down to rest when you get back. Please?" Drallig bowed to her, holding his own breath. He couldn't help but worry. He would tell Abbisey to expect her.
She nodded, her head picking up so slowly, like she worried it would crack to the other side. "Thank you, Master."
"Thank you, Cait." He hesitated for a moment before moving to pick up the practice sabers and move them to his own workbench.
She hesitated for a minute, and held her side with her uninjured arm, taking her own lightsaber from the bench. Cait clipped it to her belt, and turned to leave.
Drallig watched her go, following her in the Force until she left the range of his ability to do so. He forced himself to meditate for a few moments before finishing his task.
It took every bit of Cait's focus to not stumble and trip as she ran to medbay. Just like every time she went everywhere, Jedi's gazes penetrated her as she moved, heavy judgment pressing her already demoralized spirits lower down. When she made it to the waiting room, her eyes welled, and she ran up to Healer Jenne, who stood, quickly bowing to her. "Can I see someone? Please, I have to."
Jenne, looked her over, nodding. "Let's go to Bay Two." She moved sideways, keeping an eye on Cait. "What was the last thing you ate?"
Cait hugged herself, following the healer to the bay. Jenne saw she was still broken out along her jaw line, and though Jenne could feel the Force expenditure Cait used to keep herself under control, the younger woman still shook. "I threw it up," Cait confessed, sitting down on the table. She moved both hands to her hair, shaking harder now.
"Did it make you nauseous?" Jenne pressed the button to push the back of table to Cait's head was slightly elevated.
"N-no. No, I don't think. I don't know, m-maybe." Cait's eyes watered. I didn't get my period this month."
"Is that why you're here?" Jenne just wanted to double check. She sat in a chair and rolled to Cait's side.
The padawan nodded, sitting up. She propped herself up with both arms. "Can you do a p-pregnancy test, p-please?"
"Of course, but I'm fairly certain of the result. I only sense one life and that is you." Jenne moved to her box of testing equipment. "Does Master Abbisey know you came?"
Cait's cheeks were wet now. "I don't want to burden people anymore. I'm s-sorry."
"Cait, you aren't burdening me. This is my job." Jenne frowned. "Can I call him over while you take the test?"
She shook her head, covering her eyes after a painful squint. "He's busy, don't bother him. It's okay."
Jenne bowed her head. "You know your master better than I do. Would he want to be here for you or to stay away?"
"Please don't call him." Cait shivered, sitting up. "Will you just you test me, please?"
"I will. Of course. But for any test, I need you to slow your heart rate, and get your breathing under control. Lay back, close your eyes and count backwards from thirty. I'll get the scanner set up." Jenne would have to tell Abbisey in the initial report that she would file after this exam. "Have you been sexually intimate since I last ran this test?"
"No, of course not."
"Cait, please stay back."
Cait laid still. She tried to fold her hands over her breasts, but it just seemed awkward, and she moved them back to her sides, before one jerked up to wipe her eyes. "W-what if I'm pregnant? I don't w-want to be pregnant. With h-his." She shook her head. "I c-can't."
"You weren't three months ago, so if nothing has happened since, you can't be." Jenne turned, holding the implement. "I'm moving the scanner over you now, I need you to breath."
Cait's jaw quivered. She tried to count, her chest heaving more than once. She struggled-she couldn't seem to calm herself down.
Jenne looked up, patient. "Cait, you are here in the medical room with me. It is impossible that you're pregnant. If you hold still for ten seconds, this machine can tell me what I already know." Jenne's voice was confident and calm
"What if he does it again?" Cait just held her breath, turning her head to the side. It kept her still, but the healer still felt her fear and anxiety.
"I'm going to put the scanner on your stomach." Jenne followed through, gently laying the device in place. It beeped thrice, printing two flimsiplast sheets. "Chance of pregnancy, .000001%/. That is the lowest it goes. Liability law. You are not pregnant."
Cait exhaled, her chest quickly rising up and down. "What if he does it again?"
"Cait. You aren't pregnant. And Bedo won't hurt you again. Control your breathing." Jenne started to pack her equipment. "You need two days of bed rest, and then two more of light training. You're exhausted."
"What if he does it again?" Cait sat up, pulling her tunic down. "I c-can't sleep, I can just work. Please don't tell my master I can't work. It's okay, I'm n-not pregnant. Please don't call him."
"Cait. I can't do what you ask. You're not well. Jedi Bedo won't hurt you again, and if he does we have options to terminate." She held back a wince. She shouldn't have said that. What good could that do, but make Cait think about it more? "Do you want me to prescribe you a hormonal treatment?"
"In case he does, y-yes. But why aren't I menstruating?"
"A lot of possibilities come to mind. You're a worlds-class gymnast and fencer, that seems the most probable. Not to mention your stress levels." Jenne checked the readout. "Almost definitely stress or not enough iron or vitamins. You're low, but not so low as you might have been. It is stress, Cait, and I need you to rest."
Cait swung her legs over the table, a spindly tear falling down her cheek. "He's here. He's always going to be here. I'm never going to be okay, I can't stay in my room forever."
"I agree. You must discuss it with the Council." Jenne urged. "Cait. This shouldn't keep going on. But for today and tomorrow, do stay in and rest. Doctors orders."
"I'm never going to be okay." She looked up again, her eyes drawn and wet. "Please don't tell him."
"Cait. I have to. I'm sorry."
The padawan tied her hair back, hands shaky. It took two tries. "W-when? When will you tell him?"
"I'll message your master the report when we finish here. I could wait ten or fifteen minutes, but no more."
"Can I stay here?" Cait pulled her head up, eyes wide. "I d-don't want to go back out there, please."
"Take a few minutes. You can stay unless there is a medical emergency"
"Can I have something to sleep?" Cait knew she wasn't even supposed to ask, she was just supposed to use the Force. But it hadn't worked, not in weeks. She was desperate.
"Cait. Why don't we schedule a sleep study? I'm sure that we can. We have to follow procedure."
Her eyes started to pool again. "You know why I can't sleep, p-please. I can't do this."
"Cait. I know why, but I'm also not going to prescribe your problems away. I'm not able to, as much as I wish I could. I can treat you, but I can only recommend natural sleep aids unless you do a study for a night."
Cait's head fell against her shoulder and stirred. She sputtered. "W-well. M-maybe you can ask the Council if you can? Maybe they'll listen to you, I d-don't want to be unreasonable." Her chest heaved, and she covered her eyes. "I'm so tired."
"I know. Please let me schedule a sleep study. Then we can determine dosage and which medication will work best. But I will ask the council for guidance, yes."
She nodded against her hand. "B-but I can't have anything now? Not a-anything?"
Jenne stood moving to the cabinet. "I can give you a sample. This will help you fall asleep but it won't be more powerful if you take more. It isn't as powerful as what I could give you after a study with your master's permission."
Cait bowed her head. "You have to call him now, right, can you ask?"
"I will ask." She nodded. "Do you want to be here when I call?" Jenne looked Cait over again. The woman absolutely needed the rest she was recommending.
Cait nodded, and Jenne called Abbisey, staying at the padawans side.
After Jenne ended the call, she nodded to Cait. "In the sample there are five nights' worth of pills. Take one about half an hour before bed."
Cait's eyes widened, and she quickly took the first. "Thank you." She'd listened to the call, but she couldn't tell anything from the half she heard. "W-what did he say, is he mad at me?"
" He wasn't mad at all, just surprised. He thought you were staying in your room today. He said you should feel free to take the pills but to just follow my instructions in taking them." Jenne smiled small.
Cait shivered, rubbing her forehead. "I meant to stay in. I didn't plan on coming here, I would have made an appointment. I tried to see if maybe it would start, but it didn't. It's been almost two weeks."
"You don't have to explain yourself. No one is angry and you don't have to give a reason to ask for medical care." Jenne looked at Cait, her brows pressed but otherwise calm. "It was stress. If you get rest, your cycle may be regular next month, but I can't be sure. Let's schedule a follow up appointment, so it is on the books."
"Can I try to sleep here, for now?" Cait bowed her head. "I don't want to go back out."
"You can stay in a sleep room for an hour and a half " Jenne checked the schedule. "Room seven is not in use."
Cait lay in bed for several minutes in silence after waking. A gentle knock broke the quiet. The door clicked and Jenne came in.
"Cait. I noticed you woke up, but would you mind waiting for a few minutes for Master Windu."
Her eyes widened again. "Am I in trouble?" She shut her mouth, and then opened it again, slower this time. "That really helped."
"I'm glad to hear it." Jenne smiled small. "We should be able to get you a prescription for a supply of it."
Cait swallowed, looking down. "Am I in trouble?"
"No. You aren't in trouble." Jenne assured her. "Master Windu just asked for you to wait. He wants to clarify what happened."
Cait turned her head down, her eyes big and round. "Okay. Here?"
"Yes. I can wheel in a chair, if you would be more comfortable."
Cait shook her head, moving down from the bed. "That's okay." She moved to a chair next to the healer, holding the sample pack of pills on her lap. Jenne called Windu back, and, fifteen minutes later, she left the room, coming back inside with the councilor. Cait jumped up, bowing. She stabilized herself, with a hand on the bed.
Windu bowed, taking a seat. "Cait. I know you asked, but you aren't in trouble." He watches the padawan carefully for a reaction. "Why did you come down to the medical bay today?"
Her eyes welled, and she covered her eyes, looking down in shame. "For a pregnancy test."
Windu considered what Cait had said. "I suppose my first question is, have you had intercourse in the past few months?" He held up his hands, palm mostly down. "You are not in trouble." Cait had panicked and asked for pregnancy tests three times since exposing her abuse.
She shook her head. "N-no. I haven't, I w-wouldn't. I don't want to, I never did."
"All right. Then why did you come for a pregnancy test?" Windu's voice was calm but concerned.
"I s-skipped my period again." Cait covered her eyes, shaking. "I t-thought maybe we missed something, I didn't know. I don't know."
"And has Healer Jenne set your mind to rest?"
Cait nodded into her lap. "She said that maybe she could get me on a hormone regimen? I'm. T-throwing up, I'm exhausted."
"That would make you more regular." Windu nodded. "We have approved that for many padawans and knights in the past. You can certainly try them."
"I'll speak with your master about it, Cait," Jenne assured her, and looked to Windu. "Master, while I do encourage Cait go on hormones for regulation, they will not address the root of her anxiety, nor her inability to sleep."
"And we know what those are." Windu frowned, thinking. "What would you recommend, healer?"
Jenne looked to the padawan. "I've scheduled a sleep study with her master, and gotten his permission to provide her with a sample of sleeping pills for this coming week. Cait, you said that helped you this afternoon?"
Cait nodded, rubbing her fingers over her braid.
Jenne looked back to Windu. "When you deal with the source those won't even be necessary."
Windu sighed, looking between the two of them
Cait looked back at him, her eyes stretched. "Is there any chance that anything will change?"
"We have not put the issue to rest, Cait. Things may change. But I would not count on it." Windu's voice carried a tinge of regret.
Her shoulders dropped, but she looked down, nodding. She just didn't have the strength. "It'll be okay."
"It isn't all right that something is making you afraid" Jenne stared at Windu. "Something should be done."
"It's okay." Cait shook her head. "Let's not talk about this."
"Well, in terms of treatment, what would this medication be?" Windu turned to Jenne.
The healer watched Cait, her brows turning down. She felt Cait's anxiety growing. Like before, Cait tried to dam it with the Force. "Either something to help her sleep, something for anxiety, or both."
Windu nodded. "Assuming her master agrees, I see no problem. Perhaps when time has passed and with further reflection, Cait, you can then be ready for the Trials when you come off the medication."
Cait looked up, her eyes widening again. She tensed, her chest pushing out. "It will hold the Trials back?"
"Not necessarily. You can't take the Trials while you're in this condition either. And you must conquer your fear before you can attempt them."
She shook her head, wiping her eyes with each hand in sequence, even as they welled more. "I'm f-fine. I d-don't want that."
"Cait, you haven't been sleeping." Jenne pointed out, her voice calm. "It would be wise to take these to get some rest."
"I'll m-make myself sleep." She closed her eyes. "I'll try harder."
Windu shook his head. "Trying harder will keep you up. Falling asleep is about keeping calm. Almost letting sleep happen to you. Ask Abbisey to help you meditate. Don't try to do it alone."
Cait placed the pills on the bed. "Master, I'm sorry I wasted your time."
Jenne's eyes shifted from the pills up to the padawan. "Cait, please take those."
Windu watched Cait. "This won't make the Trials come more quickly. It has to be your decision, but I recommend listening to the healer."
Cait crumbled, moving her hands over her eyes. "I'm s-sorry. Please."
Jenne's brows knit. "Cait. Please take the pills. You said yourself how much they helped you."
"H-he said if I told someone, it would ruin me."
"The Council has been supporting you as best we can," Windu said, though he wished that was truer.
She shook her head, clapping her head harder. "L-look at me, he was right. He told me I would be ready six months from now."
Windu didn't say anything. There was no way she'd have been ready in sixth months. The abuse would have come out in her Trial of the Spirit.
"Cait, let me help you," Jenne insisted. "You can't do this alone."
Cait shook her head. "How can you help me? I c-can't go slower. It's all my fault."
"You can go slower," Windu made himself sound as comforting as he could. "Sometimes, the slower path is the right one. I really think you should listen to the healer."
"N-no. P-please don't make me." She balanced her elbows on her legs and pushed her hair back. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm w-wasting everyone's time, I'm s-sorry for what the Republic is trying to do, I'm s-so sorry."
Jenne exhaled. "Cait, none of that is your fault. You're not wasting our time whether or not you take the medication. But taking it is the right decision."
"It's n-not." Cait's limbs shook. "N-not for me."
"I don't understand. If you won't be able to complete the Trials either way, why punish yourself?" Windu's words were slow.
Her eyes watered harder. She whimpered, and drew in a few breaths. "I'll be able to. I'll m-make myself. I can work harder, I haven't been working hard enough."
"Cait, you've been working yourself to the bone. Sometimes, working harder doesn't solve anything." Windu stood. "It is your decision, but please don't try to compensate by pushing yourself further. You're already stretched too thin."
She shook her head, trying to shrug like it was no big deal. "It's my only choice. I can handle it."
Jenne looked pained. "Can we at least schedule the follow up appointment?"
Cait exhaled, her head shaking like a bobble. "I don't think I'll need the study anymore."
"Why don't you talk it over with your master," Jenne suggested. "We can cancel, if that's what you decide. You can take the pills for now too, and talk to him."
Cait shook her head before the healer had even finished speaking. "I don't need them. I'll be okay. It'll be okay."
Jenne closed her eyes. "At least promise to talk with your master about all of this?"
"I'm leaving them here. I already put them down." Cait rubbed her lips together, cupping her forehead. "I should try to eat some more food. T-thank you for testing me, healer." She shouldn't have asked, there was no way. She'd wasted Jenne's time, no matter what the healer said.
Windu nodded. "You should eat and rest. Have a discussion with your master about what happened today. That will help you process it." He stood. "Cait, thank you for asking for help when you needed it. That makes it easier on all of us."
Cait's brow furrowed, and she shook her head. "I should have just asked for the test, if." She cut herself off, swallowing. "If even that. I couldn't be pregnant."
"Well, now you have the additional security from the hormone treatment." Jenne tried to assure herself as much as Cait.
Windu bowed. "I'll be in touch shortly."
Cait bowed her head, sitting still until the door closed behind the councilor. "What time is it?"
"It's three in the afternoon." Windu replied. "Is that what time you expected it to be?"
Cait's brow furrowed, but she nodded, wiping her eyes. It was almost the first chuck of sleep she'd gotten in what felt like forever. But her master would still be in class. And others. Others would still all be in the hallways. "Is any of the drug still in my system?"
"They should be mostly absorbed by now, but if they are still in your system, it won't manifest as anything other than slight drowsiness." Jenne tilted her head to the side. "If you ever need to get away and take a nap somewhere else, you can come here. You know that, right?"
Cait nodded again, her eyes glassy. She wouldn't do that. The Council would recall even this visit and the one pill she'd taken. "May I go?"
"Of course. No one is holding you here."
Cait stood, unsure what to do with her hands. She clasped the fingers over each other, one hand up and the other down. "Thank you, healer."
Jenne bowed to the padawan. "Be safe, young one."
Cait bowed in turn, shakier. She didn't say anything, blinking softly and then closing her eyes for a moment. When they opened, she purposefully avoided looking at the pills. Self-control.
"Cait?" Obi-Wan Kenobi stepped sideways into her path around fifteen paces ahead of her. "May I walk with you?"
Cait stopped in place, watching him with wide eyes. "I'm sorry. Am I blocking your way?" She moved the backs of her hands up under her chin. "I can walk on the side."
"No, Cait, I'm sorry if I gave the wrong expression. I'm sorry. You look like you could use a friend."
She sniffled, willing herself to keep from crying. This time it worked. "I'm okay, master, thank you."
"Then would you help me? I was wanting to walk with someone, and we're heading in the same direction."
Cait looked down, covering her mouth with a hand. She blinked, turning the hand so just a few fingers touched her lip, and then moved her hand below her ear, nodding.
"Cait, I'm very sorry I haven't been able to see you and offer my support. My padawan and I have been travelling." He watched the younger Jedi while they walked. "He misses your training sessions."
She shook her head, starting to walk by his side now. "I'm sorry. I can schedule something, if you would like." The thought seemed overwhelming. She'd been so sloppy lately.
"Oh, no worries. I know you're busy with your students. I've heard amazing things about you from the younglings. You're all the rage."
Cait chewed on her lip. "I'm worried even they will see something is wrong soon."
"Younglings are perceptive," Obi-Wan agreed. "But I suspect they would understand better than some of the adults."
She wasn't so sure there was truly anything to understand. "May I ask you a question?"
Obi-Wan glanced around. No one obviously listened. "Of course. You can ask me anything."
Cait brushed some hair behind her ear. "When Master Qui-Gon died, how did you move on?" She realized once she had asked it that his situation had been different. He had more support after that, not less, not like her. And he had more time, everyone understood it would be hard on him. She just needed to snap back.
Obi-Wan sighed. "I think the issue was always time. It takes time to heal from trauma like that. I watched my master die in front of my own eyes, but it took longer than anyone thought. They expected me to be ready, and I had to be. They knighted me. They let me take the trials." He shook his head. "I don't know that I would have completed them if not for Anakin. For the need to train him."
She chewed her lip, shaking her head. "I don't have time. And every time I ask for anything, the Council decides to push the Trials back further and further."
"Why is that a bad thing?" Obi-Wan tilted his head. "I understand it is painful, but can you verbalize why it's so bad?"
Cait gestured up with a hand, her eyes welling. She quickly looked around for onlookers.
"Why don't we sit down in an alcove?" Obi-Wan suggested. The privacy would probably be welcome.
She nodded, covering her eyes as he ushered her into a private room. "T-this is why," she choked out, taking a seat and threading both hands through her hair. "I can't be around here anymore, I c-can't see him, going about his service I'm being p-punished, e-everything I need I just feel like a burden, and n-none of it happens anyway."
"Well, that is a bit complicated." Obi-Wan frowned. "I don't know what to tell you except that I believe Bedo should be imprisoned."
Cait shook her head now. "He w-won't be. I have to move on."
"You have to do what is right for you." He looked down. Obi-Wan suspected he shouldn't tell this story. "I once left the Order. For a short time," he clarified. "I felt I had no choice."
She looked at him, her mouth slipping open. "You did? I didn't know that."
He nodded. "I hesitate to tell you, but a break from the Order may be what you need. Even a split. you wouldn't be the first. Many great Jedi have left the Order for one reason or another, not that I count myself amongst them."
"I can't do that." Cait looked down, shaking her head. "I c-can't."
"Then don't, I'm simply saying that if you needed a break, it is an option." He inclined his head. "Cait. I know how hard you're working. I can see."
"I have to do better," she shot the words out. "I just thought you may have some advice for me." She closed her eyes. "I apologize for making you remember, master."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes. "The best advice I can give is not to be in a hurry. As hard as it is to hear it, time can be the cure you're looking for."
Cait exhaled, her shoulder and her head dropping. "It's only going to get worse. I can't even sleep."
"Have you considered taking medication to help you sleep?"
She surprised herself by how steadily she breathed in and out. "I can't. It's not really an option."
He frowned thoughtfully. "All right. I suppose I trust your judgment on that. Is there any other way I can help?"
Cait shook her head, wiping her eyes. "No. I don't think there is."
Obi-Wan nodded. "Have you seen the flowers blossoming this year?"
"Not since before I told. I don't go to the gardens in case he's there."
"Perhaps a trip out of the temple would do you good. I could ask master Abbisey if he would want to come with me and of course you and Anakin would come along."
"Maybe," Cait whispered. It was hard for her to even think how she would manage, having to represent the Order on the outside again.
"I just thought you might enjoy a change of scene," Obi-Wan commented. "Maybe give Anakin a good example to follow."
She looked down, shaking her head. "You should talk to Ferus Olin."
"Ferus and Anakin are not fast friends
She winced, her lip curling. "I'm not a good influence for Anakin."
"You're an amazing influence for Anakin. You're brilliant and brave and patient."
Cait shook her head. "No," she whispered." She closed her eyes, rubbing her lips together until they felt like they were about to bleed. "He's not lying that I went to his bed some of those times."
Obi-Wan looked at her, careful not to speak before she was finished. "Cait, you can't take the blame for anything Bedo coerced you into doing." He frowned. "Even if you went to his bed, you were being coerced."
"I have to just move on." She exhaled. "It doesn't even matter, now."
"It's clearly affecting you," Obi-Wan observed.
Cait shrugged, shaking her head. "It h-has to not. I have to move on."
Obi-Wan sighed. "I'm afraid that it matters as long as it matters to you. Trying to get over it doesn't work. I remember from when I was still grieving for Qui-Gon."
"Nothing about that was grey. You killed a Sith Lord, everyone wanted to help you get better as soon as possible." She remembered how Master Bedo had told her to look up to Obi-Wan. She had been a brand new padawan learner.
He nodded. "It still wasn't easy to lose someone I cared about. But you are right. The situation was different, no denying it."
"What happened between us is completely grey. I haven't wanted to believe it, b-but he's right, I need to take responsibility."
"You need to take responsibility for yourself, but no one should make you take responsibility for him. That's unreasonable." Obi-Wan frowned. "He said you needed to take responsibility?" He could barely believe it, it was absurd. Still, the man had raped his padawan.
"He's right," she repeated. "H-he would have stopped, if I'd said. I'm s-sure of it."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes. "He hit you when you told him to stop. That isn't stopping, Cait."
"He was mad at me, I wasn't listening." She shivered, her own eyes shutting, and fast. "He n-never meant to hurt me."
"He did hurt you. I remember the bruise." And he hated himself for not asking more questions when Bedo attributed it to a training accident. "Cait. Don't listen to his lies."
She shook her head. "He d-didn't mean to. He cares about me."
"He cares more about his own power."
"I wanted power over him when I went to his bed. At least then, I got to decide when it happened."
"But you didn't get to decide if it happened." He lowered his voice as people passed by the room. "Cait. He wanted to control you. You wanted not to be entirely controlled. That's very different, isn't it?
She shook her head. "I w-wanted to control him. I should be punished too."
"It isn't the same at all." He winced. She wouldn't see that in this conversation. He expected it to take her very long, indeed.
"I have to f-find a way to j-just move on." Cait shook her head, her tension building again and her chest constricted. "I c-can't fight. I'm not strong enough, and I'm too tired."
Obi-Wan refrained from mentioning that strength mattered little to the Force. But if she already felt defeated then she had lost. "Cait. You won't be able to move on if you don't believe in yourself. You can do this, but you need more help."
"I can't bring others down with me." Cait exhaled. "I've already caused too much of a rift in the Order."
Obi-Wan frowned. "If you think that is what's best for you, I won't make you go, but you would enjoy a trip to see the flowers, I suspect." He stood. "In any case, I was glad to see you, I'm sorry it was in such bad circumstances."
She watched him, standing slower. "It's not your fault."
"I know, but the onus is on all of the Order." Obi-Wan bowed to the padawan. "Forgive me for not being more useful."
"You don't need to apologize, master." Cait stood, bowing in return. "Thank you for your advice."
"I hope it was helpful," Obi-Wan commented, his voice uncertain. "If you ever need to talk again, it's no trouble at all. None, Cait."
She followed him to the door, inhaling through her anxiety once they had stepped through. "Thank you, master." Cait closed her eyes for a moment, trying to release her tension. She just had to get back to her room.
Obi-Wan nodded again. "Take care of yourself, Cait. Get some more rest." He shifted on his feet, offering a small smile before nodding a third time and walking his own way.
When Abbisey returned to the flat he shared with his padawan, he checked the couches and kitchen in the hope she might be there. He quickly realized she was in her room, and after knocking politely and waiting for a few seconds he knocked again, opening the door to see Cait crying silently into her pillow. After another few seconds he moved forward, kneeling by her bedside in silence.
Cait flipped over to look at him, rubbing her eyes with both hands. "I'm s-sorry I didn't tell you."
"Cait, I'm upset that you're hurting. I do want to know what your plans are so I can go to you if you need me, but." He shook his head. "No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could tell me."
She sat up, hugging the blanket around herself. "Please, this isn't your fault."
"I'm sorry, Cait." He looked up at her. "I am not upset, I just want to be available and approachable to you."
"You are." Cait closed her eyes. "Y-you are. I'm not, I'm not available."
"Cait, what did the healer say?"
She lay back down, squeezing her eyes tighter. "You talked to her, didn't you?"
"Yes, but you were there. What did you two discuss? "
"I'm n-not pregnant." She rolled on her back. "I should have known I wasn't, I shouldn't have wasted her time."
"But now you will be more certain you have medication, right? And to help you sleep."
"Master Windu said she could give me hormones to regulate my period."
"I know. And you said you changed your mind about having the sleeping pills because of the Trials. I think you should take the medicine."
"N-no." She defied him faster than she ever had before. Cait winced. "M-master, I don't want to."
His throat caught. He watched her closely "Cait, you'll implode if you don't treat yourself well."
"Can I come back to class tomorrow?"
"I don't think so. Didn't Healer Jenne tell you to stay in bed for two days?"
She scrubbed her hair with her palm. "I have to distract myself, master."
"I understand that, but you also need rest. At least if you stay in, maybe you can sleep more. And I would really like you to take the sleep study, even if you don't take medication, it will show us more about how you do sleep."
She sat up again, leaning towards him, and shook her head. "The Council will punish me if I do. I k-know how I sleep, this isn't a h-hormone issue."
"I know you know, but the healers will have insight. They do this all of the time." He bowed his head before looking back up at her. "Cait, I want you to do the sleep study."
Her eyes welled, and she turned her head to the side, searching him. "M-master, please. They'll take it out on me, p-please."
"The healers will not take it out on you." Her master's voice was quiet and sad, not dangerous. "They want to help you."
"I mean the Council." She rocked back, curling in a tighter ball. "P-please don't make me."
"The Council won't take it out on you either Cait." Abbisey looked at her. "We need to get you at least rested, before we can even talk about Trials."
She started to shake. "I w-was ready. I am ready, why can't I do it?"
"Cait. You know I believe in you, but taking the Trials now might destroy you. A journey inside yourself would be impossible."
"Pills are a crutch," Cait choked. "They'll set me back, I'll be dependent on them. It'll t-take me years, it'll m-make everything worse."
"Taking years to complete a task that takes many people as long is nothing to be ashamed of." Abbisey closed his eyes. "This is the right choice, Cait."
"N-no." Her lip quivered. "No, p-please don't make it for me."
"I don't want to." He looked at her, half exhausted, but nowhere near as tired as she. "If you try them for two months and we go to a therapy session nowhere near Bedo, then in two months and a week you can attempt the first Trial."
"The Council won't let me," she exclaimed, her chest clenching.
"They don't believe you're ready for the Trial of the Spirit, and neither do I. But the first trial, I believe you'll be able to complete if you rest for the next few months. You're very skilled with a lightsaber."
Cait knew that. But still. "I have to do this by myself. I'm s-supposed to, why can't I just meditate to sleep? Isn't there any way to keep the nightmares back?"
"There are ways, but you're too tired to apply them." He exhaled. "Unless we went off planet for a prolonged time. Then perhaps we would have the tranquility we needed, and the distance."
"The younglings need us," she replied. She needed him too. Not as much.
"I am allowed and supposed to take sabbatical. It has been years since I've done so. A chance to meditate with the trees of Kashyyyk or in the mountains of Alderaan or the desert of Jakku. Any of those would help me help the younglings and help you at the same time." He looked at her. "It is an option."
Cait didn't respond. She lay back down, pulling her blanket up. She just wanted to fall asleep.
Abbisey closed his eyes. "I want you to cooperate with the healers. If they recommend a sleep study and medication, that's what I need you to do."
She didn't say anything. When he opened his eyes again, he saw her lying in place.
"Cait. I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do, but I can't watch you self-destruct."
"Okay," she whispered, so low he had to strain to hear. She didn't have the strength.
"Okay." Abbisey repeated. "I'll make dinner in an hour and it will be ready in two. Shall I wake you then?"
She nodded. She wouldn't be asleep. She knew that. He knew that. After they ate, she would do the dishes before he needed to ask.
"Rest well. If you cannot sleep, see if you can meditate and keep yourself off the floor." Though it required intense concentration, it would be a suitable distraction if she performed the task.
She nodded again, her eyes leaking. Her chest heaved, and she quickly refocused on slowing her breathing. Suddenly, though, a memory resurfaced, of Bedo meditating in that same way. Floating. It was such a common exercise. To her, it only connected to him.
Abbisey winced as he saw her concentration fail. He needed to find a way that they had not used for her to meditate. All of the common techniques were ones Bedo had also employed. "Cait." Abbisey whispered, his throat catching. "Perhaps reading would be most relaxing."
"My head hurts." She shivered, hugging herself tighter. "I think I'll just lay here."
"Would you like something for the pain? A hot towel, or medicine?"
Abissey looked at her in worry. This happened so frequently. And medicine. He realized too late that there was no way she would say yes.
"No," Cait choked out, stirring her head against the pillow. "Can you turn the light off, please?"
He nodded, flipping them off, leaving the room barely lit from the auxiliary light.
She closed her eyes. He left the door open a crack, as he had many times over the course of the two months. Cait settled along the sheets, trying to adjust to a more comfortable position. Nothing seemed right any more. She was supposed to be cooking dinner, she was supposed to have gone to class that day, and she shouldn't have started any of this.
The two hours dragged as if it were three times as long. When Abbisey finally knocked, the smell of the roast was already wafting in, but it didn't appetize Cait like it would have before. And her new normal hurt.