Precious illusions.
You'll rescue me right? In the exact way they never did, I'll be happy right? When your healing powers kick in.
You'll complete me right? Then my life can finally begin, ill be worthy right? Only when you realise the gem I am.
But this won't work the way it once did, and I won't keep it up even though I would love to, once I know who I'm not I know who I am, but I won't keep on playing the victim.
These precious illusions in my head
Did not let me down when I was defenceless and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends…I've spent so long firmly looking outside me. I've spent so much time living in survival mode….. cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
Precious illusions.- alanis morisette, under rug swept
'Bring her back, I call her to me, send me my true love return her to me'
The candles flickered from the breeze and the incense smoke gathered in beautiful patterns, the gentle magick Willow had been using wasn't strong enough to call Tara but that was all she had, Tara's magick. Willow held her hand just above her knee and recited a black magick spell, she turned the candles black and the incense fizzled instantly giving rise to a giant burst of pure black smoke, her hair ran dark and her eyes turned purple the skin went vein-y and her voice became coarse.
'BRING HER BACK, I CALL HER TO ME, SEND, ME MY TRUE LOVE RETURN HER TO ME she roared the smoke began to collect and take form but Willow couldn't hold it together she fell returned to her normal appearance. As she fell she knocked the largest, now white, candle to the book just outside the circle. The book fizzled but didn't not burn the blue flames went out with a puff and left the book in perfect condition. Willow stuffed the candles and remains of the incense into a wooden chest and under the bed. Grabbing the book and holding it tight she sat cross legged on the bed she and Tara had spent so many nights in. what she wouldn't give to have one more night with her, for one more night she would do anything. Good thing Buffy or dawn weren't in because even with out slayer sensitivity she could probably feel the energy in this room, and of course she had been shouting. She had pocketed the supplies in the clean up in the magick box a few weeks ago, she had slipped a few dollars in the crushed register for Anya.
Willow opened Tara's Book of Shadows with eyes full of pain, she didn't even look at the inscription on the front cover, Anya had had it done by a magick box supplier for Tara's birthday. She looked across the room to her dresser and mirror; she didn't see her reflection crying she saw Tara sitting there looking through the then empty book. Willow opened the first page, another inscription this time written by Tara, Willow heard her as she read aloud from the book. 'Tara Maclay dedicates her book of magick, of all she has been taught and all she knows about magick to the one person in her life who has forever been there the one who she has forever loved the one she has been searching for, forever, she has found her, she has found her in Willow. A tear spilled on to the page right in the heart Tara had drawn with their initials in it, T M 4 W.R
The next page Willow taught, the irony not lost on her, she should have remembered as she had tried to end the world, The True essence of magick she had wrote in gold pen. She sat right there reading ever word her lover had wrote, for hours well in to the small hours of the night. As she read the words written in Tara's beautiful handwriting her mind started to slip through reality, she was no longer mourning she was living her favourite memories all over again. She got to the end of the book and closed it, she put it on her pillow as she switched out her bedside lamp she moved over to what was once Tara's side of the bed it still smelt like her, and she breathed in her fragrance. She was till thinking of her as she slipped into her dreams, dreams of Tara.
Her mind drifted to the day of the funeral, the sun was shining down on them there wasn't a cloud in the sky, just like a funeral in southern California should be, she was standing at the edge hiding behind a tree, she saw herself standing there right next to the coffin as it was lowered into the ground. She hadn't cried but seeing the beautiful white coffin being lowered into the ground had brought a flood of tears, her astral self wasn't crying but she knew the pain all to well. Buffy wrapped willow in her arms her head turned away from the lowering coffin she buried her head in the slayers hair trying to recapture Tara's smell but it wasn't their. She turned and walked to the coffin, she reached into the pocket of her blouse and pulled out a picture her and Tara, it had been taken before she and Tara had become lovers, Tara looked so shy she had tried to hide behind her hair but willow had made her hold her head proud ' as the beautiful women you really are'.
The real willow steeped back in to the comforting arms of Xander, dawn waked forward plucked a rose from a bouquet and pulled the petals one-by-one and threw them into the grave, astral willow walked to wards them stood next to Tara's father, cousin Beth and a few other relation's. The grief flowed freely now she looked up at her self, her other self looked straight at her. She was still crying as dawn grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her in a tight embrace, Xander, stood next to Buffy his arm around her, anya stood next to Xander she saw as her hand brushed his they looked at each other and there hands linked. Willow smiled the mourners. Not that there were a lot of them stemmed away from the grave. The grave it was final now nothing she could do would bring her back, but that didn't mean that she wouldn't try. She stood back from the grave it was the same plot as Buffy's, although more flowers had been planted by dawn and it looked magnificent, the sun filtered through the willow trees, Tara was now forever under her willow tree.
A single tear made its way slowly down the redheads left cheek as she sat in front of the grave she hadn't noticed but time had shifted when she had turned to watch the others leave she had gone forward a few days in time, one month since Tara had died. She heard footsteps behind her and got up and sat crossed leg right beside the tombstone. Her real self laid the flowers in front of the grave as she sat down on her knees.
"I've missed you baby" she said as she traced the words on the tombstone, this was first time she had visited the grave since the funeral although she knew dawn had been bye to check up on the place, and Buffy had been by when she was doing a sweep of the graveyard. Astral willow looked straight at herself and drifted her mind was lost in limbo for a few seconds until it grasped back onto reality. She shot up in her bed sweating and crying she checked the bedside clock it was blinking 12.00, the power must of gone out she thought, she got up hugging her self from the chill after she got out of her nice warm bed.
She open the door to dawns room, dawn was sleeping peacefully inside, she moved on to Buffy's, it hadn't been slept in. she wasn't worried she knew the slayer could take care of herself, although a tiny pinch of worry remained since when they were in high school and she didn't fully understand what a slayer really was. She descended the stairs and made her way into the kitchen, she grabbed a large glass and filled it from a bottle in the fridge, she made to go back to here bedroom but instead she sat down on one of the high chairs by the island. Her mind lost deep in thought, but her astral self firmly rooted where it belonged.
Her mind started to waver from memories of Tara to what had happened after her death, of her consequences. She was lying still in Xander's strong arms, her sobbing had stopped and now she was silently crying she hadn't said a word since she had been transformed to her as-near-as-normal-as-it-got-self unless you included her crying out her dead lovers name. She held on to Xander's forearm and gently pulled him off her. She stood up and offered him her hand. In her mind she remembered the pain, what if her friends couldn't forgive her, "Oh, Dawnie" she cried, "Buffy, Anya, Giles" Xander grabbed her hand and hoisted himself up. She threw himself on her best friend since the first day of kindergarten. "Oh Xander I am so sorry. I-I-I am sorry, please can-can you." Her voice was hoarse. He pulled her head in close his chin laid on the top of her head, she remembered repeated the words I'm so sorry, please…can you ever, over and over again like a mantra as if, if she said it enough all the pain she had caused would go away. Xander scooped her up in his arms and carried her from the top of King Mans bluff. She hadn't known it then but Xander was hurt severely and him carrying willow just made his injuries worse.
Her thoughts drifted back to the real world as she heard something outside, she peeked out on to the porch from the three little windows on the door but saw nothing, this being Sunnydale and not a teen horror movie, she decided not to go investigate. She went to the weapons chest Xander had made for Buffy for her 21st birthday and pulled out a cross and a stake, and laid an axe atop it. She fingered the stake and remembered what Buffy and dawn's reactions or more like non-reactions were when they had met at the magick shop.
Xander had flagged down a taxi as soon as he could and rode to the magick shop in silence. Willow sat on the couch stake forgotten fell to the floor nearly noiseless on the soft carpet. Xander had walked right up to the door and stood their waiting for willow, he mentioned softly to join him. She stood behind him as he opened the door, the familiar sound of the bell anya liked so much failed to ring willow looked up it had been ripped off any was hidden in the debris. Willow looked down and saw all that was remained of the scoobies. Dawn was scratched scrawled and dirty, Buffy was filthy but her wounds were healing, Anya looked at Xander in concern and avoided eye contact with her. Giles was seated on the step the debris had been cleared a bit. Xander looked at Buffy and said all humour gone from his usually cheerful voice. "Hospital, please". Buffy moved fast and caught him just as willow reached for him. There hands meet and the slayer didn't react instead she put his arm over her shoulder and supported his right side willow took his left. Anya and dawn helped Giles to his feet and followed Xander, willow, and Buffy as they limped out to main street flagging down two taxis they silently parted with Buffy giving dawn a kiss and a reassuring smile, Giles the first of the group to actually look into her eyes, his look was not knowledgeable and reliable but scared and worried.
There it was again that, noise willow reached down and pocketed the stake, silently praying for Buffy to get home. Willow rose silently and made her way to the door she grabbed the knob and turned it slowly and pulled. It was still locked. She brought the stake with her to her bedroom and laid it on he night table next to the still blinking clock, she checked her watch 4.15 in the morning, should she worry she thought as she programmed the right time on the little black clock. Her door was open and she heard Buffy enter. She heard her climb the stairs mutter a muffled shout of ouch. Seconds later she appeared round her bedroom door, willow had slipped under the covers and pretended to be asleep, "Night Will" Buffy breathed. "Night Buffy." She whispered so low it was barely audible but she knew the slayer heard her. At least they were speaking to one another.
The doctors had taken away Giles and Xander to be treated and a nurse had fixed up a few of Anya and dawn's bumps and bruises. They waited in the small waiting room alone and in silence, Anya was the first to break the silence. "Xander and Giles are going to be alright aren't they" she asked looking around with wide worried eyes. "Yeah, Anya of course they are." "Then what is taking so long" dawn asked looking nonchalantly at Buffy. "You know doctors there just making sure everything is ok". "Yeah, Dawnie, Giles and Xander are going to be just fine" willow said. She could see the look dawn had given her. She had turned her head to look at her surveying her up and down. "Who the hell asked you?" she said her voice full of disgust. "Dawn" Buffy, shouted at her. She turned to Buffy "What", "You-c". "No Buffy," she had said "Whatever she has to say to me let her I probably deserve, I know I did wrong dawn and I know you are hurting to you loved Tara too." Willow stood up as did dawn. Every word of that conversation weighed heavily on her mind even now months later. "Just cause you missed Tara doesn't give you the right to go and try and kill all your friends," dawn tried to smoother sobs as she got more heated, "we all cared about Tara too but do you she us doing a full fledged loony toons." The willow in her bed mouthed the words of the conversation. "Dawnie I'm so sorry I didn't mean too, that wasn't me, it-it wasn't, and it was the magjicks, the rage, the power, and the hate". "The vengeance" Anya had added. "You could never forget that can you." "You think I'm going to let you in the same house as me when this is over she asked willow, no way" she said turning to Buffy, "either I move in with Xander or she goes." "Dawnie" Buffy had said "she's our friend we can't just abandon her when she needs us most." "She tried to kill us," dawn retaliated. "You heard her dawn that wasn't her, it was the magjick." She turned and glared at willow, "this would never of happened if you hadn't got addicted to using the magjicks. Tara wouldn't have left she would of stayed and-and-and." Dawn had broken out into tears and was sobbing uncontrollably. Both willow and Buffy went to comfort her which ended in a mix matched group hug, Anya joined on the outside, hugging not in her usual way but in a way with real emotion. The girls did not hear the door opening and Xander and Giles entering. "Any hug for me and the English patient?" Oh Xander Anya had swooned as she embraced him and kissed him deeply, I'm sorry. She removed her pendant, dropped it to the ground and smashed it with her designer heel. . No more vengeance. And that goes for every one Xander had quipped.
"Here, Here" willow said her bedclothes wrapped around her body. She was too hot, she was sweating and the bed was crippling her the cover suffocating her she was drowning,drowning in a sea of memories. "Op-p". Her hand flew up but she let it drop again after all the trouble Giles, the coven and Buffy had gone to put in proper magickal withdrawal, she wasn't depending on magick as she once was, she threw her legs over the side of the bed. She walked to the window and opened it a fraction more than it already was, this same window, this was were Tara was shot.
Giles had told them that willow couldn't be punished legally for Warren's death, she would suffer enough, she knew what she done, why she done and how. The police had found her prints near the tree so Buffy formulated a story that they all, dawn excluded went for a walk earlier that day, before she herself had been shot. The hospital were still a bit iffy about what had happened that day, so she didn't mind not telling the police that she was nearly killed. Warren was convicted of Tara's and April's murder, but nobody had any idea were he was, the rest of the trio were named as acopleses in the death of warrens girlfriend. Andrew and johnathon had been picked up on the Mexican border and brought back to L.A. for the next 5 years at least. The police identified the body in the wood as warren and closed the case, Sunnydale's finest had seen so many cases like this, neck wounds, mutilation, and so on, to even try and act on it.
She would off preferred to have gone to jail than having to go trough the de-magicking Giles and the coven had put her through, they had travelled back to England as soon as Giles was well enough. Damn hard to get back into a country when you never left in the first place he had joked on the flight. Willow had just sat silently staring into space. He had laid he's hand on her knee and looked at her with a re-assuring smile, "The coven know what there doing, they will make the magick go away, and they will help you, they are very smart, I wouldn't let them near you if I didn't totally trust them. She hadn't said anything but she was silently re-assured. The coven had been welcoming and quite nice but the rehab was hard, emotionally and physically, they had looked her in a room with the high priestess of the coven and left them there for a week. The priestess had talked to her held, held her hair as she got sick. After a week they had brought her out into a beautiful meadow, there was a ring of trees, with a smaller ring of what willow had assumed were quartz. The coven had led her there and given her instructions. She was not to stray outside the crystals, she was not to hold back the anger the pain, anything, and she was to pour all her energy out, to breathe free. They had left her there in the open for another week, but the weather was constant she was never cold and she slept on a bed of flowers, after a week she was at piece. Everyday a coven member had came given her food, and replaced some of the crystals. During her sleep and when she was meditating she had turned the clear quartz black. They were replaced with colourful purple or blue ones. When the week was up she had been cured, all her magick was gone, the resident aura reader, had checked her and worked her energy blockages and re-aligned her energies, the coven had each given her a blessing and a hug, the high priestess promised that they would meet again, under friendlier circumstances. Giles had picked her up in a rented car drove her to the airport. He couldn't come back to Sunnydale, there was important council business that needed to be attended to, he had been re-instated as a watcher but sending him back to Sunnydale had not been the council's plan. "You have to look after everyone now," he had told her. "You have to be careful, stay away from demon fighting for a while, be careful, go back to school when you feel ready, you will find that you are still enrolled. You have to work had, trust has to be built again, my apartment is still empty, and all you have to do is call or write or e-mail me. You can have it. Dawn will forgive you eventually, as will Buffy and Xander" he hugged her tight, "I'm so sorry about Tara." She had started to cry. "I know, I'll try for you." No he had said "For Tara." For Tara she had echoed.
Tara. Buffy meet her at the airport and immediately hugged her, "we missed you," she said. "I missed you too." "Let's go." She asked her where everyone else was, Anya was working at the shop, so was Xander, he was doing the building for her, apparently they are starting again taking it slow, but they were living together a few days after I left. "And Dawn?" "She's at Janice's". "Is she O.K with me moving back in." "Well, she, her safety is the most important thing will, I love you so much I'm willing to make this work but one spell and your gone. I mean it if I fear for dawn I don't care where you go." Her best friend's words hurt but she understood. "I know, Giles gave me this to give to you. I think its like instructions or precautions, what I can and cant do and stuff, theirs some money in there too." She handed the slayer a white envelope with the words Buffy summers on the front in Giles scrawl. "Thanks." Buffy intoned.
They got a taxi back to the Summerses. The house looked normal, like nothing had changed, she was just returning home from a lecture or from coffee with at the Pump with Buffy or Tara. Buffy went in first and laid her bags by the stairs, Willow followed. "Surprise," Buffy, Dawn, Xander and Anya shouted. There was a Welcome Back Willow banner hanging above the t.v. There were coloured balloons and other party favours lying around. On the table there was cake drinks and other goods. "Willow can we have cake now?" Anya asked. "She sat on the couch behind the cake and replied. "Yeah cake all round." She went to grab the knife instead took the blade side and handed it to Buffy. "I'll go get some plates," Xander said as the kitchen door closed behind him. Xander returned with some of the fancy plates. Buffy started cutting and Anya poured. Willow grabbed a plate and glass of coke and headed to dawns room. She knocked on the door and dawn replied. "Who is it?" in clipped tones. "It-it-its me Willow." "What do you want?" it was the same tone she had used in the hospital. "I have cake and drink, you should come join us dawni, dawn. I'm sorry." "The door opened dawn grabbed the plate and cup. Banged them down on her dresser and looked at willow for a split second. Willow had a hurt look on her face. Dawn grabbed her tight and hugged her, "sorry, will, I didn't mean." "Shh, it's ok I know. I miss her too." "We can do this together." "Yeah". "Come back downstairs with me" dawn nodded and followed her down. All was on the road to being well again.
The funeral was the very next day and afterwards it seemed that they had forgiven her. There were still emotional scars. She still had to deal with what she did; she killed someone and tried to end the world. That didn't go away with a hug and some cake. She looked at her clock it was 5. 30. She had killed a man, a human being, six years on the Hellmouth defending people she had killed someone, being a classic over-achiever she hadn't stopped with one she had gone after two more, then the end of the world. Thoes words would follow her to her grave. 'Willow Rosenberg, tried to end the world a lot.' How ironic, how many apocalypses had she helped Buffy avert, then she turned into what Buffy couldn't meet. The one, O.K third opponent that outmatched her, but yet she lived, because of Xander she had saved her all that time ago, six years ago.
It seemed like a distance memory. The slayer was still alive because willow had brought her back. Dragged her from heaven back to hell. She had hidden it from everyone except spike. She held in her pain until Xander had invoked a demon that made everyone voice his or her true feelings through song and dance. Then willow had tried to make it go away. She had cast that spell… it was to hard thinking of what had happened that week, she found out what it was really like for Buffy and Tara had left her. If Tara hadn't come she wouldn't have died she would be safe and sound inside her bad at the dorm, her last days had been the happiest she had ever had, spended all her time in bed with Tara, sleeping and other activities, they were trying to decode and figure out the trio's evil schemes but that took second place behind them, they were together again, for a little while.
Tara's death had been a fluke, it was a wild shot by warren meant for Buffy or Xander, he didn't even know the pain he caused until he felt it himself, warren was nothing but a scared little boy with his toys, it was just a game to him, he had his friends to take the blame he had his machines to fight her as a scientist he was a genius but has a human he was nothing he was crap. But she killed him, she wanted revenge and she got it, no matter how many times she told dawn and Buffy and everyone else she knew it was her she still wanted revenge she, willow not evil willow wanted him, he couldn't hurt anyone any more.
Finally she drifted into a peaceful sleep, not a pained one but she was with Tara, Tara lay down my her grave, and willow sat next to her, they didn't speak just lay there in silence.