I hope everyone has got their stomachs in check because here we go! WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! CHAPTER 6!!!
Zim: Why do you do that?
Uhhhh do what?
Zim: Trying to proclaim yourself as a god amongst men.
Is that what I'm doing?
Zim: YEAH ITS WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
No it isn't. I'm simply giving the people what they want.
Zim: At the price of their souls!
Thats not true....*puts away contract for the soul of the reader*
Zim: Whats that then? *points at contract*
My grocery list.
Zim: Your grocery list?
Yep.
Zim: Let me see it then.
No.
Zim: Whaddaya mean 'no'?
Its private.
Zim: Look if you don't let me show that to the reader I'll disintegrate you with one of my lasers.
Not if I don't write you doing it *smiles*
Zim:.........GIMME IT! *opens up contract* "I do hereby grant the soul of one Invader Zim so that I may have a night of Whoopie with one Anna Kornakova?!" YOU SOLD MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL FOR WHOOPIE WITH THE TENNIS CHICK??
AND AWAY I GO *leaps out the window* WORTH EVERY PENNY!
Zim: DAMN YOU E! DDAAAMMMMNNN YYYOOOO.....Mmmmmm Groceries.
Invader Zim: The College Years
Chapter 6: Dib and the Wonderous Tale of Nether Lips *I actually read that term used in a story and I laughed for twenty minutes straight. And yes I changed the title, so sue me.*
Dib's head fell back, hitting against the top of the student's table behind him. The girl, who just so happened to sit at said table, leaped out of her seat and looked down at the sleeping Dib.
"Uhhh excuse me." The girl poked at Dib's head with her pen, trying to awaken him.
"Mmmhhmfjdeu." Dib stirred for about two seconds then went back to sleep. The girl behind him giggled and once again tried arousing him, this time thrusting the pen harder at his head. Just as the pen almost reached his head, Dib swung his face toward the pen and opened his mouth as to let out a snore, still sleeping.
"OH NO!" The pen thrust down, right into Dib's mouth. The girl quickly let go of the pen in shock, causing it to sift down Dib's mouth, causing him to swallow it.
"GggguuUUUUKKK! UUKK! AAAAKKK!" Dib awoke from his sleep with the pen blocking his windpipe. He clawed at his throat in vain and felt the object protruding at both ends of his air passage.
"OH MY GOD!" The girl cried out as the whole class spun around and looked at the choking Dib. "Wait I know what to do."
"GGGUUUKKK GUUUKKK!"
"Ok, hold still." The girl put her hands on Dib's shoulders, causing him to calm down a little, and then kicked him in the tool bag as hard as she could.
"AAAAAAAA!" The force from the blow caused Dib to spit out the pen, not to mention making him fall to the ground in horrible pain.
"Are you all right?" The girl asked, kneeling beside Dib, the class still watching in awe.
"NO! I think I was better off with the pen in my throat." Dib arose to his feet shakily, the girl helping him up. "Thanks, uhhhh."
"Delilah. My name's Delilah." Dib looked at her as she said her name. She had long black hair, green eyes, wore some jeans with a tight black shirt, and was about 5'9.
"My name's Dib."
"Listen, are you good in this class?"
"Just say yes stupid, just say yes." Dib thought to himself.
"Yes."
"Do you think you could come over to my place and help me with it?"
"Sure! Uhhh Delilah?"
"Yes Dib?"
"You do realize that the whole class has been staring at us for this whole conversation don't you?" Delilah looked over to all the students in the class laughing and whispering to one another.
"........"
"And so, in Calculus, you will never need to know any of this but you are required to learn it anyway or you are kicked out of this school. Any questions?" The teacher said, having been talking throughout the whole ordeal. "Class Dismissed!"
"WHENEVER! WHATEVER! BLAH BLAH BLAH SILENCE NEVER! YOU'RE HERE AND I'LL BE HERE, AND THAT'S THE WAY MY DEAR!" Blasted the television as Zim, stood in front of it glaring at the screen.
"Jesus Zim!" Dib said, crashing through the door. "Why are the lights all off? Didn't you go to any of your classes today?"
"Couldn't." Zim said, not turning his eyes away from the screen. "The hips beckoned me to stay."
"The hips? What the hell are you talking about?" Dib looked at the screen and saw a crazy blond haired woman swaying her hips and singing a weird song. "You're addicted to the Shakira video?"
"Must....obey....the hips!"
"Figures that once again your downfall would come from a popstar wiggling her hips and not from some brilliant plan of mine."
"DO NOT DERILE THE HIPS!" Zim yelled, pointing his finger at Dib and looking at the television at the same time.
"Whatever. Listen Zim, I need you to do me a favor tonight."
"HA! Do you a favor? Why should I, one of Irk's mightiest invaders, perform a task for you?"
"Cause if you don't I'll unlock the closet thats holding Gir, Gaz, and Mr Ed for the night, and they'll be all over you like whipped cream on a sundae." Dib swung the key in front of Zim's face.
"......VERY WELL!" Zim yelled. "I will perform a task for you in exchange of having the night alone with the hips. Do you wish me to destroy Chicago?"
"Maybe later. For now though, I want you to come to this girl's room if I call you. When I call you, that will mean that the date has gone horribly wrong and will need an excuse to get out of there. Her room number and building is on this card." Dib handed Zim the card. "Remember Zim, this is a matter of life and death."
"No it isn't." Zim replied, pocketing the card and eyeing the television.
"Ok no it isn't, but treat it that way or you get the Gaz/Gir/Mr. Ed combo. GET ME?" Zim nodded hesitently and watched as Dib walked out of the room.
"Now where were we?" Zim sat back down in front of the television, worshipping the hips.
"All right Dib," Dib thought to himself as he walked toward Delilah's room. "Even though most of your dates in high school went horribly wrong, it doesn't mean this one will. I mean just because you accidently went on a date with a crazy guy who said he was the queen of England does not mean that that will happen again. You're all about the ladies. Oooohhh yeeaaahhh."
Dib knocked on the door and after about the second knock, the door flung open.
"Hi there Dib." Delilah said, standing in front of him. "You gonna come in or what?"
"Heh, sorry. My bad." Dib walked through the door and sat on her bed, placing the Calculus book next to him. He looked at the room, covered in various posters and frilly decorations. "Rooms a nice touch."
"What, yours isn't this nice?"
"Well not really. My roommate is a litte.....sloppy to say the least."
"WHENEVER WHEREVER!" Zim girated his hips to the music in the dark room.
"That's too bad." Delilah responded. "My roommate's not all that bad, although I didn't want her to be here when we.....'studied'."
"Really why not?" Delilah stopped for a moment, lost on Dib's stupidity.
"Oh, no reason." She laughed a little, Dib of course still being clueless.
"Hey, you know what?" Dib said looking over to her desk, a black lamp sitting on top of it. "That lamp seems really familiar for some reason."
"Its just an ordinary lamp." Delilah said, inching closer and closer to Dib.
"I don't know, there's just something about it. I can't quite put my finger on it." Dib said, perplexing over the lamp.
"OH ENOUGH ABOUT THE DAMN LAMP! Let's get down to.....'studying'."
"All right." Dib opened up his book and turned to a random page. "We'll go over some word problems first and then MMMPPHHH!"
Delilah jumped on Dib and started kissing him.
"MMMMMM BLEH! *Puff Puff* WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?"
"We're 'studying'! DUH!" Delilah said, trying to kiss Dib more.
"WHOA! Shouldn't we...I dont know...get to know each other first?"
"God, you really are hopeless aren't you." Delilah said, sitting back pouting. "All right. Jeez I can't believe you didn't even know that studying meant playing hotdogs and clams."
"....I don't think I've ever heard sex called that before in my life." Dib said laughing.
"Well thats what my granny taught me throughout my early life."
"You're granny?"
"Yeah. Its such a pain in the Bitters household."
Dib's heart stopped for a second.
"BITTERS? YOUR LAST NAME IS BITTERS?"
"Ok, its a strange name but your last name is Membrane, so it shouldn't sound to uncommon."
"Jeez, I can't believe that your granny is...." Dib's heart stopped again. He ran for her phone just as he realized why the black lamp looked so familiar.
Zim's phone rang as he continued to watch Shakira.
"We'll return to more kiddie pop videos because we're run by eleven year old girls, here on MTV!"
"Finally, the hips no longer tempt me. Just in time to favor the human no less." Zim reached for the phone and just as he was about to pick it up, the closet door swung open to reveal Gir, Gaz, and Mr. Ed.
"CALL ME GIR THE STAMPEDE! THE ROBOTIC TYPHOON!" Gir yelled sporting a red coat and yellow sunglasses.
"CALL ME GAZ THE CONQUERER! FEARED WARRIOR OF SEMARIA!" Gaz cried with an ancient warhelmet on her head and barbarian battle axe in her hand.
"CALL ME DRUNK!" Mr. Ed cried with six bottles of brandy in his belt and a shirt which said 'No Fat Chicks.' on his torso.
"OH NOOOOOO!!" Zim was then overwhelmed and dragged into the darkness of the closet.
"ZIM! ANSWER THE PHONE! IM GONNA DIE!" Dib cried as he watched the lamp form into the tall, lanky creature who was Ms. Bitters.
"JEEZ GRANNY! YOU ALWAYS KILL THE GUYS WHO I WANT TO GET WITH!"
"Its for your own good Delilah. Now Dib, are you ready to die?"
"Uhhhh Is there any way I could avoid the horrible death thing and get back to the hotdog and clam game?" Dib asked, smiling nervously.
"Well, you would have to have sex with me first and then I would deem you worthy of getting with my granddaughter." Ms. Bitters said, batting her eye lashes and slithering around the room.
"....Riiiiiggghhhhttt. Could you make my death quick and send a letter to my dad telling him of my fate?" Dib asked.
"Will do." Bitters raised up her claw like hand and got ready to strike Dib down, but just then, a bullet flew through the door and through her hand. "HSSSSS!"
"THIS WORLD IS MADE OF..." Gir cried, kicking down the door and shooting at Bitters in his red coat. "LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE!"
"GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" Dib cried as he was cornered between a crazy old woman and a crazy little robot. Seeing his only way out, Dib ran for the window and smashed his way through the glass, bullets flying behind him from Gir's large handgun.
"DANGIT GRANNY! HE WAS CUTE TOO!" Delilah cried, watching Dib smack against the ground.
"I swear Zim, you had better be dead, cause I'm killing you when I get back." Dib said, pulling his face out of the dirt.
"So I says to him, 'YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP!' AND HE SHOT ME IN THE ARM!" Mr Ed said, talking to Zim. "Wanna know where he is now?"
"No. Just let me get back to the gyrating hips. PLEASE!"
"I lusshhveee yoouuu Ziim!" Gaz said, throwing up in his lap.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
End Chapter 6
OOOOOOOOO! SNAZZY! Join us next time for.....
Chapter 7: Poop a Poo!
Zim: Why do you do that?
Uhhhh do what?
Zim: Trying to proclaim yourself as a god amongst men.
Is that what I'm doing?
Zim: YEAH ITS WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
No it isn't. I'm simply giving the people what they want.
Zim: At the price of their souls!
Thats not true....*puts away contract for the soul of the reader*
Zim: Whats that then? *points at contract*
My grocery list.
Zim: Your grocery list?
Yep.
Zim: Let me see it then.
No.
Zim: Whaddaya mean 'no'?
Its private.
Zim: Look if you don't let me show that to the reader I'll disintegrate you with one of my lasers.
Not if I don't write you doing it *smiles*
Zim:.........GIMME IT! *opens up contract* "I do hereby grant the soul of one Invader Zim so that I may have a night of Whoopie with one Anna Kornakova?!" YOU SOLD MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL FOR WHOOPIE WITH THE TENNIS CHICK??
AND AWAY I GO *leaps out the window* WORTH EVERY PENNY!
Zim: DAMN YOU E! DDAAAMMMMNNN YYYOOOO.....Mmmmmm Groceries.
Invader Zim: The College Years
Chapter 6: Dib and the Wonderous Tale of Nether Lips *I actually read that term used in a story and I laughed for twenty minutes straight. And yes I changed the title, so sue me.*
Dib's head fell back, hitting against the top of the student's table behind him. The girl, who just so happened to sit at said table, leaped out of her seat and looked down at the sleeping Dib.
"Uhhh excuse me." The girl poked at Dib's head with her pen, trying to awaken him.
"Mmmhhmfjdeu." Dib stirred for about two seconds then went back to sleep. The girl behind him giggled and once again tried arousing him, this time thrusting the pen harder at his head. Just as the pen almost reached his head, Dib swung his face toward the pen and opened his mouth as to let out a snore, still sleeping.
"OH NO!" The pen thrust down, right into Dib's mouth. The girl quickly let go of the pen in shock, causing it to sift down Dib's mouth, causing him to swallow it.
"GggguuUUUUKKK! UUKK! AAAAKKK!" Dib awoke from his sleep with the pen blocking his windpipe. He clawed at his throat in vain and felt the object protruding at both ends of his air passage.
"OH MY GOD!" The girl cried out as the whole class spun around and looked at the choking Dib. "Wait I know what to do."
"GGGUUUKKK GUUUKKK!"
"Ok, hold still." The girl put her hands on Dib's shoulders, causing him to calm down a little, and then kicked him in the tool bag as hard as she could.
"AAAAAAAA!" The force from the blow caused Dib to spit out the pen, not to mention making him fall to the ground in horrible pain.
"Are you all right?" The girl asked, kneeling beside Dib, the class still watching in awe.
"NO! I think I was better off with the pen in my throat." Dib arose to his feet shakily, the girl helping him up. "Thanks, uhhhh."
"Delilah. My name's Delilah." Dib looked at her as she said her name. She had long black hair, green eyes, wore some jeans with a tight black shirt, and was about 5'9.
"My name's Dib."
"Listen, are you good in this class?"
"Just say yes stupid, just say yes." Dib thought to himself.
"Yes."
"Do you think you could come over to my place and help me with it?"
"Sure! Uhhh Delilah?"
"Yes Dib?"
"You do realize that the whole class has been staring at us for this whole conversation don't you?" Delilah looked over to all the students in the class laughing and whispering to one another.
"........"
"And so, in Calculus, you will never need to know any of this but you are required to learn it anyway or you are kicked out of this school. Any questions?" The teacher said, having been talking throughout the whole ordeal. "Class Dismissed!"
"WHENEVER! WHATEVER! BLAH BLAH BLAH SILENCE NEVER! YOU'RE HERE AND I'LL BE HERE, AND THAT'S THE WAY MY DEAR!" Blasted the television as Zim, stood in front of it glaring at the screen.
"Jesus Zim!" Dib said, crashing through the door. "Why are the lights all off? Didn't you go to any of your classes today?"
"Couldn't." Zim said, not turning his eyes away from the screen. "The hips beckoned me to stay."
"The hips? What the hell are you talking about?" Dib looked at the screen and saw a crazy blond haired woman swaying her hips and singing a weird song. "You're addicted to the Shakira video?"
"Must....obey....the hips!"
"Figures that once again your downfall would come from a popstar wiggling her hips and not from some brilliant plan of mine."
"DO NOT DERILE THE HIPS!" Zim yelled, pointing his finger at Dib and looking at the television at the same time.
"Whatever. Listen Zim, I need you to do me a favor tonight."
"HA! Do you a favor? Why should I, one of Irk's mightiest invaders, perform a task for you?"
"Cause if you don't I'll unlock the closet thats holding Gir, Gaz, and Mr Ed for the night, and they'll be all over you like whipped cream on a sundae." Dib swung the key in front of Zim's face.
"......VERY WELL!" Zim yelled. "I will perform a task for you in exchange of having the night alone with the hips. Do you wish me to destroy Chicago?"
"Maybe later. For now though, I want you to come to this girl's room if I call you. When I call you, that will mean that the date has gone horribly wrong and will need an excuse to get out of there. Her room number and building is on this card." Dib handed Zim the card. "Remember Zim, this is a matter of life and death."
"No it isn't." Zim replied, pocketing the card and eyeing the television.
"Ok no it isn't, but treat it that way or you get the Gaz/Gir/Mr. Ed combo. GET ME?" Zim nodded hesitently and watched as Dib walked out of the room.
"Now where were we?" Zim sat back down in front of the television, worshipping the hips.
"All right Dib," Dib thought to himself as he walked toward Delilah's room. "Even though most of your dates in high school went horribly wrong, it doesn't mean this one will. I mean just because you accidently went on a date with a crazy guy who said he was the queen of England does not mean that that will happen again. You're all about the ladies. Oooohhh yeeaaahhh."
Dib knocked on the door and after about the second knock, the door flung open.
"Hi there Dib." Delilah said, standing in front of him. "You gonna come in or what?"
"Heh, sorry. My bad." Dib walked through the door and sat on her bed, placing the Calculus book next to him. He looked at the room, covered in various posters and frilly decorations. "Rooms a nice touch."
"What, yours isn't this nice?"
"Well not really. My roommate is a litte.....sloppy to say the least."
"WHENEVER WHEREVER!" Zim girated his hips to the music in the dark room.
"That's too bad." Delilah responded. "My roommate's not all that bad, although I didn't want her to be here when we.....'studied'."
"Really why not?" Delilah stopped for a moment, lost on Dib's stupidity.
"Oh, no reason." She laughed a little, Dib of course still being clueless.
"Hey, you know what?" Dib said looking over to her desk, a black lamp sitting on top of it. "That lamp seems really familiar for some reason."
"Its just an ordinary lamp." Delilah said, inching closer and closer to Dib.
"I don't know, there's just something about it. I can't quite put my finger on it." Dib said, perplexing over the lamp.
"OH ENOUGH ABOUT THE DAMN LAMP! Let's get down to.....'studying'."
"All right." Dib opened up his book and turned to a random page. "We'll go over some word problems first and then MMMPPHHH!"
Delilah jumped on Dib and started kissing him.
"MMMMMM BLEH! *Puff Puff* WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?"
"We're 'studying'! DUH!" Delilah said, trying to kiss Dib more.
"WHOA! Shouldn't we...I dont know...get to know each other first?"
"God, you really are hopeless aren't you." Delilah said, sitting back pouting. "All right. Jeez I can't believe you didn't even know that studying meant playing hotdogs and clams."
"....I don't think I've ever heard sex called that before in my life." Dib said laughing.
"Well thats what my granny taught me throughout my early life."
"You're granny?"
"Yeah. Its such a pain in the Bitters household."
Dib's heart stopped for a second.
"BITTERS? YOUR LAST NAME IS BITTERS?"
"Ok, its a strange name but your last name is Membrane, so it shouldn't sound to uncommon."
"Jeez, I can't believe that your granny is...." Dib's heart stopped again. He ran for her phone just as he realized why the black lamp looked so familiar.
Zim's phone rang as he continued to watch Shakira.
"We'll return to more kiddie pop videos because we're run by eleven year old girls, here on MTV!"
"Finally, the hips no longer tempt me. Just in time to favor the human no less." Zim reached for the phone and just as he was about to pick it up, the closet door swung open to reveal Gir, Gaz, and Mr. Ed.
"CALL ME GIR THE STAMPEDE! THE ROBOTIC TYPHOON!" Gir yelled sporting a red coat and yellow sunglasses.
"CALL ME GAZ THE CONQUERER! FEARED WARRIOR OF SEMARIA!" Gaz cried with an ancient warhelmet on her head and barbarian battle axe in her hand.
"CALL ME DRUNK!" Mr. Ed cried with six bottles of brandy in his belt and a shirt which said 'No Fat Chicks.' on his torso.
"OH NOOOOOO!!" Zim was then overwhelmed and dragged into the darkness of the closet.
"ZIM! ANSWER THE PHONE! IM GONNA DIE!" Dib cried as he watched the lamp form into the tall, lanky creature who was Ms. Bitters.
"JEEZ GRANNY! YOU ALWAYS KILL THE GUYS WHO I WANT TO GET WITH!"
"Its for your own good Delilah. Now Dib, are you ready to die?"
"Uhhhh Is there any way I could avoid the horrible death thing and get back to the hotdog and clam game?" Dib asked, smiling nervously.
"Well, you would have to have sex with me first and then I would deem you worthy of getting with my granddaughter." Ms. Bitters said, batting her eye lashes and slithering around the room.
"....Riiiiiggghhhhttt. Could you make my death quick and send a letter to my dad telling him of my fate?" Dib asked.
"Will do." Bitters raised up her claw like hand and got ready to strike Dib down, but just then, a bullet flew through the door and through her hand. "HSSSSS!"
"THIS WORLD IS MADE OF..." Gir cried, kicking down the door and shooting at Bitters in his red coat. "LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE!"
"GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" Dib cried as he was cornered between a crazy old woman and a crazy little robot. Seeing his only way out, Dib ran for the window and smashed his way through the glass, bullets flying behind him from Gir's large handgun.
"DANGIT GRANNY! HE WAS CUTE TOO!" Delilah cried, watching Dib smack against the ground.
"I swear Zim, you had better be dead, cause I'm killing you when I get back." Dib said, pulling his face out of the dirt.
"So I says to him, 'YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP!' AND HE SHOT ME IN THE ARM!" Mr Ed said, talking to Zim. "Wanna know where he is now?"
"No. Just let me get back to the gyrating hips. PLEASE!"
"I lusshhveee yoouuu Ziim!" Gaz said, throwing up in his lap.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
End Chapter 6
OOOOOOOOO! SNAZZY! Join us next time for.....
Chapter 7: Poop a Poo!