Um, could someone leave in their review how to put italics and chapters and
all that? I'm so confused. I know how to work HTML, but I don't want to go
through the whole story putting HTML tags on (I tried and gave up). Thanks,
hope you like it.
And now I present. . . The Adventures of Darth Nix!!!
CHAPTER I-TWO RIGHTS DON'T MAKE A LEFT, BUT THEY MAKE AN AIRPLANE
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.there was a person-an alien, of course, (what would a human be doing out in space) but it just HAPPENED to look exactly like a human-whose name was Darth Vader. You know him, of course. He's the star, later. Before him, there was Darth Maul. You know him too. He's the one with the double-sided weapon we met in Episode I.
But there's a person you don't know about. Even George Lucas doesn't know this person, so of course you don't. This creature was stealthy. This creature was creepy. Beneath the dark cloak there was the meanest, evilest, most sinister person you will hear about. This villain's partners in crime (one of them being Darth Maul, the brother of the criminal in question) knew her as none other than. . .
SHOPPING MAUL!!!
As I reveal the doings of the sinister Shopping Maul, you will not wonder how our friend George never came to know of her existence. She was an expert at covering up, and the Jedi had quite a problem chasing after her, I can tell you. You never wondered where Darth Maul, and later Darth Vader, learned it all? Now you know.
But wait! Before our story continues, there is one more character you need to know, another one of which George could find no traces. Another Darth, I am afraid. His name was Darth Nix. Now travel back to the time before even Annakin existed (but still a long, long time ago as well as a galaxy far, far away).
As usual, the Jedi were at war with the Dark Side. Big trouble for the Jedi (the Bright Side?). Their leader at the time was Julia von Kugelgen. With the Jedi Knights behind her, she faced the seemingly invincible team following Darth Nix and Shopping Maul, who were at their prime. Together, Nix and S. Maul (not to be confused with Darth Maul) had developed a machine that they believed would destroy the Jedi once and for all, muah ha ha ha ha! This machine would turn anything, ANYTHING, living or no, into a MINIATURE THINGY! That is, they would still have the same shape and traits and appearance as before, besides the minor detail that they were about two inches tall. They titled their invention the
EVIL-JEDI-DESTROYING-BY-SHRINKING-O-MATIC!!!
However, this name is just a little long, so everyone calls it the EJDBSOM instead.
Anyway, wherever the good guys are. . .
"Oh, no," exclaimed Julia von Kugelgen. "Darth Nix and Shopping Maul have created an Evil-Jedi-Destroying-By-Shrinking-O-Matic!"
"Don't worry, Julia," said Patrick, Julia's faithful assistant. He tapped his clipboard. "Me and my team of faithful assistants"-Julia's faithful grand-assistants-"have invented a wonderful machine. We call it the
GOOD-JEDI-UNSHRINKING-WITH-LASERS-O-MATIC!!!
This name is also a little long, so we call it the GJUWLOM." Don't get this confused with the EJDBSOM!
"Phew! What a relief that is. How does this GJUWLOM work?"
"With lasers," said Patrick, Julia's FA (faithful assistant). This was a very useless thing to say, considering the name of the machine. "It will turn anything, ANYTHING, alive or no, from two inches tall to the right size."
"Good, then we won't have to worry about a thing," said Julia.
However the two sides' fearless leaders, Julia vs. Nix and S. Maul, had forgotten one extremely important thing: before they put anyone in the EJDBSOM or the GJUWLOM, they needed to catch the person first.
Back at the Death Star. . .
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Shopping Maul. "I just realized something!"
"What?" said Darth Nix grumpily. He was grumpy because he had just stubbed his toe, skinned his knee, and gotten a headache. "I am grumpy because I have a stubbed toe, a skinned knee, and a headache."
"I know," Julia said, "but this is important! We can't use the EJDBSOM yet! We need to catch someone first!" "That is a good point," said Darth Nix. "I will tell my faithful assistants to catch some Jedi."
Meanwhile, wherever the good guys are. . .
"Hey Patrick, guess what?"
"Chicken butt."
"NO! Darth Nix and Shopping Maul can't shrink any Jedi Knights until they catch some Jedi."
"That is a good point," said Patrick. "I will tell my faithful assistants not to let any Jedi get caught."
So both people told their faithful assistants the message. And everyone knew. And both sides would have been waiting forever if not for a spy.two spies.
Backtrack real quickly! Just a bit, maybe a few days or so-time doesn't matter so much when you have traveled faster than the speed of light.anyway! Back at the Death Star. . .
"Shopping Maul. I have been thinking," said Darth Nix.
S. Maul rolled her eyes. "That's a first," she mumbled.
Darth Nix continued, "We need a spy."
"A spy!" exclaimed S. Maul.
"A spy," confirmed Darth Nix.
"A spy." mused S. Maul. "Good idea," then, because Darth Nix was looking proud, "for once."
Some time later. . .
"Patrick! Patrick? PATRICK!" The Patrick in question opened his sleepy eyes, Julia screaming in his ear.
"I'll sign the petition if you still want me to," he mumbled groggily, still half asleep.
"WHAT? Patrick! Wake up!"
Patrick jolted fully awake. He took his head off the table and looked around. Sitting across from him was Julia von Kugelgen, glaring. "You fell asleep again."
"Uh, sorry, Julia. What were go going to say?"
"I have an idea. We need a spy."
"A spy!" exclaimed Patrick.
"A spy," confirmed Julia.
"A spy." mused Patrick.
Suddenly the silence was broken by the door being flung open and slammed against the wall.
"Julia! We have a recommendation. We"-he gestured to the people standing beside him-"have decided we need a spy."
"Really, now? I wish I thought of that," she mumbled. Aloud she said, " You're right. Anyone in mind?"
"Yes. We have chosen this man to go undercover for us. His name is Homer Shamrock. He will solve our problem." A man came out from behind the other people gathered around. He didn't look extremely confident, and Julia thought he probably hadn't volunteered for this job. But, she thought, neither would anyone else, so he would have to do.
"Hmm. All right, that's fine. Go dress him up and come back here for orders."
"Okey-dokey!" chirped the officer. Not especially professional, but there was no time to bother about it.
In fact, there was less time than they thought.
Meanwhile, back at the Death Star. . .
"Faithful Assistant to Darth Nix to his chamber please NOW!" called a robotic voice over the PA system.
"I'm so glad we got a PA system. It's very convenient," commented Darth Nix.
"Yes, I agree. Quite convenient. I don't know why the DSMT didn't have one installed earlier," said S. Maul. DSMT means Death Star Management Team.
They both looked up as the door was once again flung open.
"At your service, Darth Nix," said the faithful assistant, breathing hard and smoothing out his uniform.
"You take to long," Nix informed him, checking his stopwatch. "One minute, twenty-seven seconds. Three seconds longer than last time. I am displeased."
Shopping Maul looked away to cover her smile.
"My apologies, sir," said Nix's Faithful Assistant.
"Do better next time. We are wasting time; I did not want you simply to chatter stupidly about time! Where is the spy? We have been waiting too long."
"Much too long. My own faithful assistant could to much better," chided Shopping Maul. She didn't exactly believe this; in fact, her own FA was rather pathetic. But this man didn't have to know that.
"We've brought the spy," announced a group coming into the room. The spy, now dressed perfectly like a Jedi, looked even more scared than before.
"I certainly hope you have," said Shopping Maul. "What's his name?"
"Uh, Pete?" the spy said uncertainly.
"Good. Let's go now to the ship to see him off."
They left the room, and sent the poor, scared man off to find out what the Jedi were up to. He was sent with plenty of hidden weapons, a walkie-talkie, and his teddy bear.
Meanwhile, wherever the good guys are. . .
"Adios, amigos!" called the Jedi spy, much more cheerful than was understandable.
"Goodbye, and good luck," said Julia von Kugelgen. "May the Force be with you." Then she giggled, because she thought that line was very corny.
The undercover agent ascended the steps to the spacecraft. "To infinity and beyond!" he cried, and disappeared into the ship.
"Well, that's good. He's gone now," said Julia.
"Yup," Patrick agreed, "I hope he finds all about what the Dark is up to."
"He will," said Julia. Then they all covered their ears and ran out of the room. A spaceship leaving could be very loud, and the side of it had just 'grazed' the side of the tunnel. Their eardrums wilted from the amplified sound like nails on a blackboard. No wonder; a yellow sign in the rear window of the craft read "Student Driver".
As this craft left the terminal, another one was arriving in another. Aboard it was Pete; a silent shadow, slipping unseen down the dim tunnels.
I can't believe I'm doing this, he thought. How did I ever get involved in this project? If I ever get home, I will never stick a toe out of line, or volunteer to go anywhere. I will stay at home. Maybe retire! And with this thought he turned the corner, and found himself face-to-face with a real Jedi.
"Uh, hey," he said, forcing a smile. "I'm, uh, looking for the bathroom?"
"What? Oh, you're new, are you? I'll help ya, don't worry," said the other guy, putting his arm around the enemy's shoulders. "My name's Duet. The potty is right over here, and then I'll introduce you to everyone." He led the poor spy down the halls until they reached the bathroom. The spy went in and came out seconds later.
"All done? Good, let's go." The man led him back to a room full of people laughing and drinking a murky, purplish gel that made Pete feel sick.
"Hey, guys!" yelled the man, pushing Pete into the room. "I've brought a new one!"
"Hi, 'new one'," said one of the people inside. "What's your name?"
"I, uh. I'm Pete," Pete said uncertainly. Immediately he scolded himself for giving his real name and not an undercover one.
"Hey, Pete," chorused all the people in the room. Pete's hair was blown away from his face and he leaned forward to keep from flying back.
He was feeling very nervous and scared and not exactly confident when a mug of the purplish gel was shoved into his hands. He tentatively took a sip. After his sixth mug, he was feeling better.
Meanwhile, back at the Death Star. . .
"I wonder what that guy-uh, Pete is up to," said Shopping Maul.
"I don't think we have to worry about him at all," Darth Nix assured her. "When he comes back here, all the Jedi' secrets will be lying bare in front of us."
Little did he know how hard exactly Pete was working at that moment.
Meanwhile, wherever the good guys are. . .
Pete was very, very drunk. Of course space is always black, but it sort of felt blacker outside when Pete finally staggered out of the room. I said he was working hard? Yes, he was. To walk in a straight line and not crash into the walls. Yep, he was pretty darn drunk. He found his bunk and collapsed onto the bed. He vaguely wondered why there were small stars circling his head before he fell into a deep drunken sleep.
"Pete! PETE! I know you can hear me! Come in, Pete!"
Pete was jolted awake by Shopping Maul's voice coming from his Interstellar Communicator 2001. This was the latest model, and he took pride in it, though it worked just as well as a normal Earth walkie-talkie.
"Uh, hi, um, this is, um." he thought for a moment, "this is Pete." That was his name, wasn't it? Yes, it must have been. "No kidding! What have you been doing? The Jedi must be up to something big, you aren't done yet."
"Done? What are you talking about?" Pete said stupidly.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?! The mission! The whole reason you're over there? Haven't you found out ANYTHING?!" S. Maul was screaming into the Interstellar Communicator 2001. Pete quickly turned down the volume so no one would hear her.
"Oh! You mean that mission. Right, I'm working on it."
"YOU HAD BETTER BE! NO MORE LAZING AROUND OR I'M GOING TO GET YOU RIGHT BACK HERE, FIRE YOU, AND SEND SOMEONE ELSE!" S. Maul screeched.
"Okay, talk to you later," Pete chirped, and turned off the Interstellar Communicator 2oo1.
Meanwhile, in another area of that place where the Jedi hang out. . .
"All right, is everyone here?" said Julia. She looked around the room at the Jedi assembled for the meeting.
"Hold on, there's one more little guy who needs to be here," said Duet, the man who had met Pete when he first arrived.
"Please go get him, we don't have all day to wait!" snapped Julia.
Duet jumped up and ran to find Pete, whom he quickly found and brought back to the meeting room.
"Now is everyone ready to continue?" Julia's eyes flashed around the room. Some people mumbled yes.
"I have something very important to say," said Julia importantly. "If all you idiots will stop talking and listen!" And there was silence. She glared at everyone. Pete shrank in his chair. "We are planning an attack."
There was a sudden murmuring among the assembled Jedi. An attack? Of course they knew they would eventually, but they weren't especially looking forward to it.
"Who are we attacking?" Pete asked.
"Ted's Hot Dog Stand," said Julia sarcastically.
Pete was surprised. "Really? Why?" He really liked hot dogs.
"We're attacking the Dark Side, stupid!" Julia said.
"Oh." This was better. This way there would still be hot dogs. Then he started thinking. The Dark Side? That meant him! He was on the Dark Side. He'd have to tell Shopping Maul about this.
As soon as the meeting was over, Pete rushed to his bunk. He turned on his Interstellar Communicator 2001.
"Shopping Maul? Darth Nix? Can you hear me? It's Pete."
"Yeah, what is it, you lazy lump?" S. Maul grumbled.
"Yes, hello Pete," came Nix's voice. "Is there any news?"
"There sure is," said Pete. "The Jedi are planning an attack!"
"They are? Shoot! When? Where? How many?" said Darth Nix.
"Um, a lot? On the Death Star, I guess. And sometime after today."
"You poo-poo face!" cried S. Maul. "Didn't you find out ANYTHING? How can that bit of information help us?!"
"Um, I'll go find out the rest of the info, okay?" said Pete, and rushed out of the room, switching off his Interstellar Communicator 2001.
Finally he caught up, panting, with Julia von Kugelgen. "Uh, Julia?" he asked timidly. "I have a couple of questions about the attack."
"What? I haven't all day to answer your stupid questions."
"Uh, when is our attack going to be?"
"Tuesday."
"Where are we attacking?"
"The Death Star, stupid!"
"Thank you." Pete hurried back to the bunk, and Julia went fuming on her way. Stupid Jedi. It didn't affect him when or where the attack was! Uh, well, sorta.
Back at the Death Star. . .
Darth Nix and Shopping Maul sat in the big meeting room at the big long table. Darth Nix waited silently for the news, while sort of half-listening to S. Maul grumbling about Pete. Suddenly his voice came through on the Interstellar Communicator 2001.
"Uh, hey guys? I have the info about the attack."
"Well what is it, we don't have all day to wait and wonder about it!" Shopping Maul screeched, sitting up straight and pulling out the walkie- talkie.
"The Jedi will be attacking the Death Star on Tuesday," Pete said quietly, so that if someone was in the room they could not hear.
"We'd better get ready, Darth Nix," said S. Maul. "Today is Saturday."
Back wherever the Jedi are. . .
As Tuesday grew nearer, tension grew among the Jedi Knights. There had been peace for a long time. Most of them didn't want to go to battle, so don't ask me why they became Knights! Some others were excited, but almost all of them were nervous. The names of the people who would be going on the mission had already been announced. One of them was Pete.
That didn't really thrill Pete. Obviously. This was quite an awkward situation. But what could he do? He would just not hurt the Death Star and also not let his own butt get busted. Maybe he could stop at the Death Star and stay, and the Jedi would just think he had been killed. Yes, that might work. He would have to talk to Darth Nix. Shopping Maul was too grouchy, he would never convince her to do anything for him.
Meanwhile, back at the Death Star. . .
Darth Nix almost ran down the hallway of the Death Star, his big old cape billowing out behind him. Late for another meeting! Shopping Maul would be angry. Mind you, she usually was angry, but not at him. He stopped immediately outside the door, smoothed out his clothes, and stepped into the room.
"Finally, Nix, really. We have been waiting for you, as though we had time to spare." S. Maul glared at him.
"Sorry," he muttered.
"Please sit down quickly! I won't wait any longer for anyone else." She glared around at all the assembled people, who were shifting uncomfortably. It was sort of funny, that S. Maul could always push Nix around, even though they supposedly led the Dark Side together.
"Stop looking stupid and pay attention!" barked Shopping Maul. "I have an extremely important announcement that will have impact on all of your lives." The assembled people rolled their eyes. Last time there had been an impact on their lives it had been that a new cafeteria lady was being hired. "We are going to be attacked."
Some heads jerked up. The people looked at S. Maul and at each other, not saying a word.
Finally one guy said timidly, "When?"
"Tuesday! Hardly four days from now!"
"Hey!" one guy said stupidly. "That's St. Patrick's Day!"
"No it's not, that was last Tuesday," another man said.
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," said the stupid one stupidly. "I missed St. Patrick's Day."
"Shut up, man! Who cares?"
"Yeah, who cares?"
"SILENCE!" shouted Shopping Maul. " I don't care what holiday it is! Be prepared. We are going to attack those Jedi first! Monday!" She read off a list of names, people who would be going. Each one moaned as his name was called. "Dismissed," S. Maul said calmly, smiling at the people glumly leaving the room.
As soon as they were out the door, the hall exploded with noise. "I can't believe that!" "I don't want to go!" "Monday?" "No way!"
"AND YOU ARE GOING, SO STOP WHINING!" yelled S. Maul from inside the room.
"Jeez." And the people left the hall, whispering.
Monday at the Death Star. . .
The people who were going to be attacking the Jedi were gathered in the vast take-off/landing area attached to the Death Star. They looked around uneasily. Suddenly Shopping Maul's voice boomed from a podium where she stood. Her voice echoed as she spoke.
"Will all people departing on this mission please board the ship now!" (All people departing- departing-parting-ing-the ship now-ship now- now!) Sorry, I couldn't resist. That was the echo, in case you couldn't tell.
After a while all the people were on their ships, and no they were not wearing those stupid white plastic thingies.
They watched, puzzled, as tiny television screens unfolded from the ceiling. They saw Darth Nix on the screen, and heard his voice say, "Welcome aboard Those-Jedi-Are-In-Such-Big-Trouble Airways. Please turn your attention to this safety video. Also, please read carefully the safety manual in your seat pocket.
"In case of an emergency, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling above you. Fit the ugly yellow part over your nose and mouth, and pull the elastic band over your head. This is not rocket science, people, relax. If there were any stupid children aboard this flight we would ask you to help yourself before helping them but as there aren't any, it doesn't matter."
S. Maul was now visible on the screen. She said, in an irritatingly patient voice, "There are six emergency exits on this plane, marked clearly by lighted 'entrance' signs. This is not our fault. Please take this time to locate the one nearest you.
"If landing on water, please remove the inflatable safety vest from under your seat. Chuck it as far as you can ahead of you. When someone else's cushion lands in your lap, put it on. People seated near the back will run to the front and grab the extra ones that the people seated near the front threw there. Put the strap around your waist, and tighten like this." She demonstrated. "Your seat cushion can also be used as a floatation device. How lame is that? Jeez. Once again, not my fault."
Back to Darth Nix. "Once you have your vest on, inflate it by blowing into this little ugly thing sticking out of it. Having everyone in the plane wearing huge inflated vests will take so much more space that the pressure on the emergency exits will be too much. They will burst open, and several people will be pushed out of them. Everyone else will follow. When you jump out of the exit, please be careful not to land on anyone else."
"Please do not bring your personal belongings with you," S. Maul added, "though if you have snacks to share, please bring them. Who knows how many days we will be floating out there!"
"Please buckle your seat belt when you are in your seat, and whenever the seat belt sign is on," Nix said calmly.
"And I sure hope you brought your own peanuts, 'cause we sure ain't givin' you none!" Shopping Maul crowed. Her straight face returned, and she said, "There is a stupid ugly magazine in your seat pocket. It is selling lots of stupid stuff at rip-off prices. Please spend as much money as you can."
She will never be on a commercial for anything, Nix thought, but merely continued. "Please remember that this is a non-smoking flight. Cigarettes are not allowed on this plane at any time."
"Thank you, and have a pleasant flight," they said together, with smiles that made you want to punch them. The screen buzzed, then went black. The tiny television sets folded back up against the ceiling.
The passengers immediately buzzed with talk.
"How come my seat belt won't work?" "Get off, you fat lump!" "Excuse me, sir, that's my seat." "You're sitting on my seat belt!" "Because you have two buckles, smart one." "No it's not, see, 23E. Right there on my ticket." "I am not on your seat belt!" "Hey, I want gum too!"
This was looking like a very, very long flight.
After what seemed like ages, everyone was settled in his or her seat. One by one the small ships rolled toward the exit, gaining speed.
The first one was off! The second! The third! The fourth! Etc., etc., until each one had left the death star and was zipping around in the starry sky. Of course it doesn't seem very starry when you're actually in it, because the stars are so far away in every direction. but that is not the point.
So anyway, after many, many hours, the ships neared Planet Naboo or whatever it's called. And who should spot them but Julia von Kugelgen herself.
Back wherever the Jedi are. . .
Julia was staring out the window. Clouds, enemy battleships, stars- hold on a second! She rubbed her eyes. Yup, the Dark ships were definitely there. Oh, shoot..
"PATRICK! Patrick, get over here!" she screamed into the PA system.
She paced around the room. Suddenly Patrick, holding his clipboard, burst through the door, panting.
"I'm.here.What's hap.penning?" he managed.
"Are our ships ready for the our attack scheduled tomorrow?"
"I-I can find out, Julia. Uh, why?" He looked at her uncertainly.
Julia did not stop pacing as she spoke. "Send out the ships. Our entire defense needs to be ready. Stand by. We are under attack."
Patrick's jaw dropped. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it. Opened, closed. Opened. Closed..You get the point. Under other circumstances it would have been funny. But not now.
"Oh," he said finally. "Oh. Well, I'll go get ready, then." He stood stupidly for a moment, and then ran as fast as he could from the room.
Julia collapsed into a chair. Oh, great, she thought. This is just great. Please hurry, Patrick. There isn't much time. . . Wait a second! Where is that thing.?
Yay! So that's the end of chapter one. I guess it's kind of long. Chapter II is about the same, I think, but I won't be adding more anytime soon. I have become completely distracted. (15 August 2002) I hope you like this! Please, please review! --Alisyn
And now I present. . . The Adventures of Darth Nix!!!
CHAPTER I-TWO RIGHTS DON'T MAKE A LEFT, BUT THEY MAKE AN AIRPLANE
A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.there was a person-an alien, of course, (what would a human be doing out in space) but it just HAPPENED to look exactly like a human-whose name was Darth Vader. You know him, of course. He's the star, later. Before him, there was Darth Maul. You know him too. He's the one with the double-sided weapon we met in Episode I.
But there's a person you don't know about. Even George Lucas doesn't know this person, so of course you don't. This creature was stealthy. This creature was creepy. Beneath the dark cloak there was the meanest, evilest, most sinister person you will hear about. This villain's partners in crime (one of them being Darth Maul, the brother of the criminal in question) knew her as none other than. . .
SHOPPING MAUL!!!
As I reveal the doings of the sinister Shopping Maul, you will not wonder how our friend George never came to know of her existence. She was an expert at covering up, and the Jedi had quite a problem chasing after her, I can tell you. You never wondered where Darth Maul, and later Darth Vader, learned it all? Now you know.
But wait! Before our story continues, there is one more character you need to know, another one of which George could find no traces. Another Darth, I am afraid. His name was Darth Nix. Now travel back to the time before even Annakin existed (but still a long, long time ago as well as a galaxy far, far away).
As usual, the Jedi were at war with the Dark Side. Big trouble for the Jedi (the Bright Side?). Their leader at the time was Julia von Kugelgen. With the Jedi Knights behind her, she faced the seemingly invincible team following Darth Nix and Shopping Maul, who were at their prime. Together, Nix and S. Maul (not to be confused with Darth Maul) had developed a machine that they believed would destroy the Jedi once and for all, muah ha ha ha ha! This machine would turn anything, ANYTHING, living or no, into a MINIATURE THINGY! That is, they would still have the same shape and traits and appearance as before, besides the minor detail that they were about two inches tall. They titled their invention the
EVIL-JEDI-DESTROYING-BY-SHRINKING-O-MATIC!!!
However, this name is just a little long, so everyone calls it the EJDBSOM instead.
Anyway, wherever the good guys are. . .
"Oh, no," exclaimed Julia von Kugelgen. "Darth Nix and Shopping Maul have created an Evil-Jedi-Destroying-By-Shrinking-O-Matic!"
"Don't worry, Julia," said Patrick, Julia's faithful assistant. He tapped his clipboard. "Me and my team of faithful assistants"-Julia's faithful grand-assistants-"have invented a wonderful machine. We call it the
GOOD-JEDI-UNSHRINKING-WITH-LASERS-O-MATIC!!!
This name is also a little long, so we call it the GJUWLOM." Don't get this confused with the EJDBSOM!
"Phew! What a relief that is. How does this GJUWLOM work?"
"With lasers," said Patrick, Julia's FA (faithful assistant). This was a very useless thing to say, considering the name of the machine. "It will turn anything, ANYTHING, alive or no, from two inches tall to the right size."
"Good, then we won't have to worry about a thing," said Julia.
However the two sides' fearless leaders, Julia vs. Nix and S. Maul, had forgotten one extremely important thing: before they put anyone in the EJDBSOM or the GJUWLOM, they needed to catch the person first.
Back at the Death Star. . .
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Shopping Maul. "I just realized something!"
"What?" said Darth Nix grumpily. He was grumpy because he had just stubbed his toe, skinned his knee, and gotten a headache. "I am grumpy because I have a stubbed toe, a skinned knee, and a headache."
"I know," Julia said, "but this is important! We can't use the EJDBSOM yet! We need to catch someone first!" "That is a good point," said Darth Nix. "I will tell my faithful assistants to catch some Jedi."
Meanwhile, wherever the good guys are. . .
"Hey Patrick, guess what?"
"Chicken butt."
"NO! Darth Nix and Shopping Maul can't shrink any Jedi Knights until they catch some Jedi."
"That is a good point," said Patrick. "I will tell my faithful assistants not to let any Jedi get caught."
So both people told their faithful assistants the message. And everyone knew. And both sides would have been waiting forever if not for a spy.two spies.
Backtrack real quickly! Just a bit, maybe a few days or so-time doesn't matter so much when you have traveled faster than the speed of light.anyway! Back at the Death Star. . .
"Shopping Maul. I have been thinking," said Darth Nix.
S. Maul rolled her eyes. "That's a first," she mumbled.
Darth Nix continued, "We need a spy."
"A spy!" exclaimed S. Maul.
"A spy," confirmed Darth Nix.
"A spy." mused S. Maul. "Good idea," then, because Darth Nix was looking proud, "for once."
Some time later. . .
"Patrick! Patrick? PATRICK!" The Patrick in question opened his sleepy eyes, Julia screaming in his ear.
"I'll sign the petition if you still want me to," he mumbled groggily, still half asleep.
"WHAT? Patrick! Wake up!"
Patrick jolted fully awake. He took his head off the table and looked around. Sitting across from him was Julia von Kugelgen, glaring. "You fell asleep again."
"Uh, sorry, Julia. What were go going to say?"
"I have an idea. We need a spy."
"A spy!" exclaimed Patrick.
"A spy," confirmed Julia.
"A spy." mused Patrick.
Suddenly the silence was broken by the door being flung open and slammed against the wall.
"Julia! We have a recommendation. We"-he gestured to the people standing beside him-"have decided we need a spy."
"Really, now? I wish I thought of that," she mumbled. Aloud she said, " You're right. Anyone in mind?"
"Yes. We have chosen this man to go undercover for us. His name is Homer Shamrock. He will solve our problem." A man came out from behind the other people gathered around. He didn't look extremely confident, and Julia thought he probably hadn't volunteered for this job. But, she thought, neither would anyone else, so he would have to do.
"Hmm. All right, that's fine. Go dress him up and come back here for orders."
"Okey-dokey!" chirped the officer. Not especially professional, but there was no time to bother about it.
In fact, there was less time than they thought.
Meanwhile, back at the Death Star. . .
"Faithful Assistant to Darth Nix to his chamber please NOW!" called a robotic voice over the PA system.
"I'm so glad we got a PA system. It's very convenient," commented Darth Nix.
"Yes, I agree. Quite convenient. I don't know why the DSMT didn't have one installed earlier," said S. Maul. DSMT means Death Star Management Team.
They both looked up as the door was once again flung open.
"At your service, Darth Nix," said the faithful assistant, breathing hard and smoothing out his uniform.
"You take to long," Nix informed him, checking his stopwatch. "One minute, twenty-seven seconds. Three seconds longer than last time. I am displeased."
Shopping Maul looked away to cover her smile.
"My apologies, sir," said Nix's Faithful Assistant.
"Do better next time. We are wasting time; I did not want you simply to chatter stupidly about time! Where is the spy? We have been waiting too long."
"Much too long. My own faithful assistant could to much better," chided Shopping Maul. She didn't exactly believe this; in fact, her own FA was rather pathetic. But this man didn't have to know that.
"We've brought the spy," announced a group coming into the room. The spy, now dressed perfectly like a Jedi, looked even more scared than before.
"I certainly hope you have," said Shopping Maul. "What's his name?"
"Uh, Pete?" the spy said uncertainly.
"Good. Let's go now to the ship to see him off."
They left the room, and sent the poor, scared man off to find out what the Jedi were up to. He was sent with plenty of hidden weapons, a walkie-talkie, and his teddy bear.
Meanwhile, wherever the good guys are. . .
"Adios, amigos!" called the Jedi spy, much more cheerful than was understandable.
"Goodbye, and good luck," said Julia von Kugelgen. "May the Force be with you." Then she giggled, because she thought that line was very corny.
The undercover agent ascended the steps to the spacecraft. "To infinity and beyond!" he cried, and disappeared into the ship.
"Well, that's good. He's gone now," said Julia.
"Yup," Patrick agreed, "I hope he finds all about what the Dark is up to."
"He will," said Julia. Then they all covered their ears and ran out of the room. A spaceship leaving could be very loud, and the side of it had just 'grazed' the side of the tunnel. Their eardrums wilted from the amplified sound like nails on a blackboard. No wonder; a yellow sign in the rear window of the craft read "Student Driver".
As this craft left the terminal, another one was arriving in another. Aboard it was Pete; a silent shadow, slipping unseen down the dim tunnels.
I can't believe I'm doing this, he thought. How did I ever get involved in this project? If I ever get home, I will never stick a toe out of line, or volunteer to go anywhere. I will stay at home. Maybe retire! And with this thought he turned the corner, and found himself face-to-face with a real Jedi.
"Uh, hey," he said, forcing a smile. "I'm, uh, looking for the bathroom?"
"What? Oh, you're new, are you? I'll help ya, don't worry," said the other guy, putting his arm around the enemy's shoulders. "My name's Duet. The potty is right over here, and then I'll introduce you to everyone." He led the poor spy down the halls until they reached the bathroom. The spy went in and came out seconds later.
"All done? Good, let's go." The man led him back to a room full of people laughing and drinking a murky, purplish gel that made Pete feel sick.
"Hey, guys!" yelled the man, pushing Pete into the room. "I've brought a new one!"
"Hi, 'new one'," said one of the people inside. "What's your name?"
"I, uh. I'm Pete," Pete said uncertainly. Immediately he scolded himself for giving his real name and not an undercover one.
"Hey, Pete," chorused all the people in the room. Pete's hair was blown away from his face and he leaned forward to keep from flying back.
He was feeling very nervous and scared and not exactly confident when a mug of the purplish gel was shoved into his hands. He tentatively took a sip. After his sixth mug, he was feeling better.
Meanwhile, back at the Death Star. . .
"I wonder what that guy-uh, Pete is up to," said Shopping Maul.
"I don't think we have to worry about him at all," Darth Nix assured her. "When he comes back here, all the Jedi' secrets will be lying bare in front of us."
Little did he know how hard exactly Pete was working at that moment.
Meanwhile, wherever the good guys are. . .
Pete was very, very drunk. Of course space is always black, but it sort of felt blacker outside when Pete finally staggered out of the room. I said he was working hard? Yes, he was. To walk in a straight line and not crash into the walls. Yep, he was pretty darn drunk. He found his bunk and collapsed onto the bed. He vaguely wondered why there were small stars circling his head before he fell into a deep drunken sleep.
"Pete! PETE! I know you can hear me! Come in, Pete!"
Pete was jolted awake by Shopping Maul's voice coming from his Interstellar Communicator 2001. This was the latest model, and he took pride in it, though it worked just as well as a normal Earth walkie-talkie.
"Uh, hi, um, this is, um." he thought for a moment, "this is Pete." That was his name, wasn't it? Yes, it must have been. "No kidding! What have you been doing? The Jedi must be up to something big, you aren't done yet."
"Done? What are you talking about?" Pete said stupidly.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?! The mission! The whole reason you're over there? Haven't you found out ANYTHING?!" S. Maul was screaming into the Interstellar Communicator 2001. Pete quickly turned down the volume so no one would hear her.
"Oh! You mean that mission. Right, I'm working on it."
"YOU HAD BETTER BE! NO MORE LAZING AROUND OR I'M GOING TO GET YOU RIGHT BACK HERE, FIRE YOU, AND SEND SOMEONE ELSE!" S. Maul screeched.
"Okay, talk to you later," Pete chirped, and turned off the Interstellar Communicator 2oo1.
Meanwhile, in another area of that place where the Jedi hang out. . .
"All right, is everyone here?" said Julia. She looked around the room at the Jedi assembled for the meeting.
"Hold on, there's one more little guy who needs to be here," said Duet, the man who had met Pete when he first arrived.
"Please go get him, we don't have all day to wait!" snapped Julia.
Duet jumped up and ran to find Pete, whom he quickly found and brought back to the meeting room.
"Now is everyone ready to continue?" Julia's eyes flashed around the room. Some people mumbled yes.
"I have something very important to say," said Julia importantly. "If all you idiots will stop talking and listen!" And there was silence. She glared at everyone. Pete shrank in his chair. "We are planning an attack."
There was a sudden murmuring among the assembled Jedi. An attack? Of course they knew they would eventually, but they weren't especially looking forward to it.
"Who are we attacking?" Pete asked.
"Ted's Hot Dog Stand," said Julia sarcastically.
Pete was surprised. "Really? Why?" He really liked hot dogs.
"We're attacking the Dark Side, stupid!" Julia said.
"Oh." This was better. This way there would still be hot dogs. Then he started thinking. The Dark Side? That meant him! He was on the Dark Side. He'd have to tell Shopping Maul about this.
As soon as the meeting was over, Pete rushed to his bunk. He turned on his Interstellar Communicator 2001.
"Shopping Maul? Darth Nix? Can you hear me? It's Pete."
"Yeah, what is it, you lazy lump?" S. Maul grumbled.
"Yes, hello Pete," came Nix's voice. "Is there any news?"
"There sure is," said Pete. "The Jedi are planning an attack!"
"They are? Shoot! When? Where? How many?" said Darth Nix.
"Um, a lot? On the Death Star, I guess. And sometime after today."
"You poo-poo face!" cried S. Maul. "Didn't you find out ANYTHING? How can that bit of information help us?!"
"Um, I'll go find out the rest of the info, okay?" said Pete, and rushed out of the room, switching off his Interstellar Communicator 2001.
Finally he caught up, panting, with Julia von Kugelgen. "Uh, Julia?" he asked timidly. "I have a couple of questions about the attack."
"What? I haven't all day to answer your stupid questions."
"Uh, when is our attack going to be?"
"Tuesday."
"Where are we attacking?"
"The Death Star, stupid!"
"Thank you." Pete hurried back to the bunk, and Julia went fuming on her way. Stupid Jedi. It didn't affect him when or where the attack was! Uh, well, sorta.
Back at the Death Star. . .
Darth Nix and Shopping Maul sat in the big meeting room at the big long table. Darth Nix waited silently for the news, while sort of half-listening to S. Maul grumbling about Pete. Suddenly his voice came through on the Interstellar Communicator 2001.
"Uh, hey guys? I have the info about the attack."
"Well what is it, we don't have all day to wait and wonder about it!" Shopping Maul screeched, sitting up straight and pulling out the walkie- talkie.
"The Jedi will be attacking the Death Star on Tuesday," Pete said quietly, so that if someone was in the room they could not hear.
"We'd better get ready, Darth Nix," said S. Maul. "Today is Saturday."
Back wherever the Jedi are. . .
As Tuesday grew nearer, tension grew among the Jedi Knights. There had been peace for a long time. Most of them didn't want to go to battle, so don't ask me why they became Knights! Some others were excited, but almost all of them were nervous. The names of the people who would be going on the mission had already been announced. One of them was Pete.
That didn't really thrill Pete. Obviously. This was quite an awkward situation. But what could he do? He would just not hurt the Death Star and also not let his own butt get busted. Maybe he could stop at the Death Star and stay, and the Jedi would just think he had been killed. Yes, that might work. He would have to talk to Darth Nix. Shopping Maul was too grouchy, he would never convince her to do anything for him.
Meanwhile, back at the Death Star. . .
Darth Nix almost ran down the hallway of the Death Star, his big old cape billowing out behind him. Late for another meeting! Shopping Maul would be angry. Mind you, she usually was angry, but not at him. He stopped immediately outside the door, smoothed out his clothes, and stepped into the room.
"Finally, Nix, really. We have been waiting for you, as though we had time to spare." S. Maul glared at him.
"Sorry," he muttered.
"Please sit down quickly! I won't wait any longer for anyone else." She glared around at all the assembled people, who were shifting uncomfortably. It was sort of funny, that S. Maul could always push Nix around, even though they supposedly led the Dark Side together.
"Stop looking stupid and pay attention!" barked Shopping Maul. "I have an extremely important announcement that will have impact on all of your lives." The assembled people rolled their eyes. Last time there had been an impact on their lives it had been that a new cafeteria lady was being hired. "We are going to be attacked."
Some heads jerked up. The people looked at S. Maul and at each other, not saying a word.
Finally one guy said timidly, "When?"
"Tuesday! Hardly four days from now!"
"Hey!" one guy said stupidly. "That's St. Patrick's Day!"
"No it's not, that was last Tuesday," another man said.
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that," said the stupid one stupidly. "I missed St. Patrick's Day."
"Shut up, man! Who cares?"
"Yeah, who cares?"
"SILENCE!" shouted Shopping Maul. " I don't care what holiday it is! Be prepared. We are going to attack those Jedi first! Monday!" She read off a list of names, people who would be going. Each one moaned as his name was called. "Dismissed," S. Maul said calmly, smiling at the people glumly leaving the room.
As soon as they were out the door, the hall exploded with noise. "I can't believe that!" "I don't want to go!" "Monday?" "No way!"
"AND YOU ARE GOING, SO STOP WHINING!" yelled S. Maul from inside the room.
"Jeez." And the people left the hall, whispering.
Monday at the Death Star. . .
The people who were going to be attacking the Jedi were gathered in the vast take-off/landing area attached to the Death Star. They looked around uneasily. Suddenly Shopping Maul's voice boomed from a podium where she stood. Her voice echoed as she spoke.
"Will all people departing on this mission please board the ship now!" (All people departing- departing-parting-ing-the ship now-ship now- now!) Sorry, I couldn't resist. That was the echo, in case you couldn't tell.
After a while all the people were on their ships, and no they were not wearing those stupid white plastic thingies.
They watched, puzzled, as tiny television screens unfolded from the ceiling. They saw Darth Nix on the screen, and heard his voice say, "Welcome aboard Those-Jedi-Are-In-Such-Big-Trouble Airways. Please turn your attention to this safety video. Also, please read carefully the safety manual in your seat pocket.
"In case of an emergency, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling above you. Fit the ugly yellow part over your nose and mouth, and pull the elastic band over your head. This is not rocket science, people, relax. If there were any stupid children aboard this flight we would ask you to help yourself before helping them but as there aren't any, it doesn't matter."
S. Maul was now visible on the screen. She said, in an irritatingly patient voice, "There are six emergency exits on this plane, marked clearly by lighted 'entrance' signs. This is not our fault. Please take this time to locate the one nearest you.
"If landing on water, please remove the inflatable safety vest from under your seat. Chuck it as far as you can ahead of you. When someone else's cushion lands in your lap, put it on. People seated near the back will run to the front and grab the extra ones that the people seated near the front threw there. Put the strap around your waist, and tighten like this." She demonstrated. "Your seat cushion can also be used as a floatation device. How lame is that? Jeez. Once again, not my fault."
Back to Darth Nix. "Once you have your vest on, inflate it by blowing into this little ugly thing sticking out of it. Having everyone in the plane wearing huge inflated vests will take so much more space that the pressure on the emergency exits will be too much. They will burst open, and several people will be pushed out of them. Everyone else will follow. When you jump out of the exit, please be careful not to land on anyone else."
"Please do not bring your personal belongings with you," S. Maul added, "though if you have snacks to share, please bring them. Who knows how many days we will be floating out there!"
"Please buckle your seat belt when you are in your seat, and whenever the seat belt sign is on," Nix said calmly.
"And I sure hope you brought your own peanuts, 'cause we sure ain't givin' you none!" Shopping Maul crowed. Her straight face returned, and she said, "There is a stupid ugly magazine in your seat pocket. It is selling lots of stupid stuff at rip-off prices. Please spend as much money as you can."
She will never be on a commercial for anything, Nix thought, but merely continued. "Please remember that this is a non-smoking flight. Cigarettes are not allowed on this plane at any time."
"Thank you, and have a pleasant flight," they said together, with smiles that made you want to punch them. The screen buzzed, then went black. The tiny television sets folded back up against the ceiling.
The passengers immediately buzzed with talk.
"How come my seat belt won't work?" "Get off, you fat lump!" "Excuse me, sir, that's my seat." "You're sitting on my seat belt!" "Because you have two buckles, smart one." "No it's not, see, 23E. Right there on my ticket." "I am not on your seat belt!" "Hey, I want gum too!"
This was looking like a very, very long flight.
After what seemed like ages, everyone was settled in his or her seat. One by one the small ships rolled toward the exit, gaining speed.
The first one was off! The second! The third! The fourth! Etc., etc., until each one had left the death star and was zipping around in the starry sky. Of course it doesn't seem very starry when you're actually in it, because the stars are so far away in every direction. but that is not the point.
So anyway, after many, many hours, the ships neared Planet Naboo or whatever it's called. And who should spot them but Julia von Kugelgen herself.
Back wherever the Jedi are. . .
Julia was staring out the window. Clouds, enemy battleships, stars- hold on a second! She rubbed her eyes. Yup, the Dark ships were definitely there. Oh, shoot..
"PATRICK! Patrick, get over here!" she screamed into the PA system.
She paced around the room. Suddenly Patrick, holding his clipboard, burst through the door, panting.
"I'm.here.What's hap.penning?" he managed.
"Are our ships ready for the our attack scheduled tomorrow?"
"I-I can find out, Julia. Uh, why?" He looked at her uncertainly.
Julia did not stop pacing as she spoke. "Send out the ships. Our entire defense needs to be ready. Stand by. We are under attack."
Patrick's jaw dropped. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it. Opened, closed. Opened. Closed..You get the point. Under other circumstances it would have been funny. But not now.
"Oh," he said finally. "Oh. Well, I'll go get ready, then." He stood stupidly for a moment, and then ran as fast as he could from the room.
Julia collapsed into a chair. Oh, great, she thought. This is just great. Please hurry, Patrick. There isn't much time. . . Wait a second! Where is that thing.?
Yay! So that's the end of chapter one. I guess it's kind of long. Chapter II is about the same, I think, but I won't be adding more anytime soon. I have become completely distracted. (15 August 2002) I hope you like this! Please, please review! --Alisyn