Neon Sign Evangelion
A Mad Author's Production
Story Thought up by A-kun
Madness Provided by TharzZzDunN
Violence Provided by C-chan
Any and All Perversion Provided by A-chan
Fight Scenes by ?????
Dramatic Scenes (there probably won't be any) Provided by Huh?
A-kun: Hi y'all! We're beginning a huge wacky, silly, stupid, hopefully funny story and all of us are working double time to make sure this actually goes NOWHERE! Enjoy!
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TharzZzDunN: Everything you know about Evas is wrong. Ignore all else and believe everything the nice author writes for you to do....SEND MONEY TO TharzZzDunN! Anyway, this is deceit, an illusion, an act of predigetstsostas.....oh, fudge.
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C-chan: DIE! DIE!! DIE KAJI!! DIE!!!!!!!!
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A-chan: Hey, A-kun. I think we need more porn in this story.
A-kun: This is the opening, A-chan.
A-chan: That's what I'm talking about. There's not enough porn.
A-kun: *SIGH*
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?????: I'm hoping we'll get around to a lot of fighting. It'll be COOL!
A-kun: *SIGH*
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Huh?: Please forgive my impetuous friends. This will be a fanfic long remembered. It has seen the end of the Council and soon it will see the end of the Rebellion... I hate flashbacks....
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A-kun: ;;;O_o;;; Anyway, let's start the fanfic! Roll credits!
?????: A-kun, those go at the END of the fanfic.
A-kun: Oh, right. Start the song, then go straight to the fanfic!
TharzZzy: Right, ignore the song and turn left to the fanfic.
A-kun: This is the LAST time TharzZzDunN sets up the story.
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I Want You by Savage Garden
Any time I need to see your face,
[Eva-01 standing in front of a school. A neon sign that keeps blinking "Help out an Eva down on it's luck" is on it's chest.]
I just close my eyes
[Eva-03 is riding Zeruel like a cowboy riding a bucking bull. Eva-03 has the cowboy hat and everything. Other mecha cheer it on.]
And I am taken to a place where
[Gunbuster high-fives Dangaio, Eva-00, Eva-03, Eva-01 and then punches a sentai robot into the stratosphere.]
your crystal mind and
[Rei looking out at the scene unfolding in front of her. Her eyes are wide in disbelief.]
Magenta feeling take up shelter
[Eva-02 turns to look at the camera and points at itself. It looks around, as if looking for someone else.]
in the base of my spine
[Eva-01 trembles as Eva-00 closes in for a passionate kiss. Everyone in the audience sweatdrops.]
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola
[Dangaio spitting out some pop and complaining that it's too sweet.]
I don't need to try and explain;
[Eva-00 pointing at Eva-02 and making two rude gestures.]
I just hold on tight
[Eva-01 backs against the wall and whimpers as the two female Evas turn to it demanding that it explain to the 'hussy' that she is not wanted here.]
And if it happens again, I might move
[Eva-01 begins sliding to the right.]
so slightly
[Eva-01 rolls it's 'eyes' and begins sliding so slightly to the right.]
To the arms and the lips and the face
[The cast seems confused as to what to do.]
of the human cannonball
[The human cannonball misses and smacks into Eva-03's windshield. The pilot turns on the windshield wipers.]
That I need to, I want to
[Eva-01 proposing to both Eva-00 and Eva-02. Both smack it.]
Come stand a little bit closer
[Eva-01 creeps a little bit closer to Eva-00.]
Breathe in and get a bit a higher
[Shinji is in a room filled with smoke. He breathes in and begins stumbling around in a stupor.]
You'll never know what hit you
[Shinji still stumbling about the room.]
When I get to you
[Rei walks up to Shinji still stumbling and whaps him. He looks around confused.]
Ooh, I want you
[Shinji drooling after Rei and Asuka.]
I don't know if I need you
[Shinji still drooling after Rei and Asuka, but the girls seem to be discussing Shinji's new attitude.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Both girls pull pistols and point them at Shinji.]
Ooh, I want you
[Shinji continues forward.]
I don't know if I need you
[The girls look at each other.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Both decide to just pistol-whip him until he's unconscious.]
I'm the kind of person who endorses
[Gendo Ikari sitting at his desk, leaning back in his chair. His hands aren't visible, but there seems to be a lot of movement with them. Misato and Ritsuko are trying to explain something. He's not listening too intently.]
a deep commitment
[Finally, the women walk around the desk to see.... Gendo was playing with a Gameboy. Both whap him.]
Getting comfy getting perfect
[Shinji unzipping his pants to sit down.]
is what I live for
[Shinji relaxing, buck-naked, on the sofa. We're looking at him from in front, but to keep this story at least PG, Pen-Pen is in the way.]
But a look, then a smell of perfume
[Shinji looks at the door, then smells perfume. Asuka enters and sees Shinji.]
It's like I'm down on the floor
[Shinji on the floor with a blanket covering him.]
And I don't know what I'm in for
[He doesn't know what he's in for.]
Conversation has a time and a place
[Asuka, Rei and Shinji all laughing maniacally at Kaji who is strapped to a chair.]
In the interaction of a lover and
[Rei and Asuka both kiss Shinji on the cheek,]
a mate,
[then hand him various items of pain.]
But the time of talking,
[Kaji spilling his guts, five minutes later.]
using symbols, using words
[Unfortunately, he can't speak, so he's writing... quickly.]
Can be likened to a deep sea diver
[Kaji tries to say something as the three children push him closer to the end of a dock. Kaji is wearing 'cement shoes',]
who is swimming with a raincoat
[and a raincoat. The children push him in and laugh evilly.]
Come stand a little bit closer
[Shinji standing a little closer to Rei.]
Breathe in and get a bit a higher
[He breathes in and begins coughing and hacking.]
You'll never know what hit you
[He didn't realize that a car with black smoke belching out of it's tailpipe had just passed.]
When I get to you
[He figures Rei just had really bad perfume on that day.]
Ooh, I want you
[Kaji trying to warm up to Misato.]
I don't know if I need you
[Misato pulls out a night-stick and bashes the crap out of Kaji.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Kaji crawling away, badly beaten. Misato laughs evilly.]
Ooh, I want you
[Kaji trying to warm up to Ritsuko.]
I don't know if I need you
[Ritsuko pulls out a BIIIIIIIIIG flyswatter and crushes Kaji underneath it.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Kaji crawling away again, badly beaten. Ritsuko laughs evilly.]
Any time I need to see your face,
[Shinji trying to remember what his mother's face looked like.]
I just close my eyes
[He closes his eyes.]
And I am taken to a place where
[Then, he recalls...]
your crystal mind and
[what she looks like and...]
Magenta feeling take up shelter
[that she's just out bowling with her friends.]
in the base of my spine
[Rei sneaks up to Shinji as he's thinking and cuddles up close. Shinji feels a tingle shoot down to the base of his spine.]
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola
[He begins smiling lecherously.]
I don't need to try and explain;
[All the girls confront Shinji about his lecherous attitude. Shinji points to Eva-01.]
I just hold on tight
[The Eva 'Eeep's as the girls and the other Evas near it.]
And if it happens again, I might move
[Eva-01 just shrugs and begins to inch off screen.]
so slightly
[Not so slightly, Eva-01 runs off screen.]
To the arms and the lips and the face
[The others chase after it.]
of the human cannonball
[Someone fires the Human Cannonball at Eva-01 for some reason. He misses.]
That I need to, I want to
[The others tackle Eva-01.]
Ooh, I want you
[Everyone trying to figure out what to do with the lecherous Eva.]
I don't know if I need you
[They're still thinking.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[They're still thinking.]
Ooh, I want you
[They're still thinking.]
I don't know if I need you
[Finally, Touji comes up with the perfect idea.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Shinji puts something on the Eva and backs up. Everyone looks at Evangelion Unit 1.]
So can we find out?
[It's got a great big Neon Sign in it's hands that read "Angel Problems? Call NERV!" and it's eyes flash with the sign. Everyone nods and leaves.]
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CHAPTER 1 - Eva 1! Eat your vegetables!
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Few people had ever heard of an Evangelion. That one was going to school, was incredibly stupid. So, it just HAD to happen. Eva-00 through Eva-23, eighteen angels, Dangaio, Gunbuster, three veritechs and six sentai robots were sitting in the _HUGE_ auditorium. Inside Eva-01, Shinji just HAD to wonder what the hell the purpose of this was. It was weird enough when HE had to go to school, but the Evangelion as well?
Kensuke looked up at the Evangelion. He was a little dubious of the deal on it. An Evangelion for only two thousand yen? And it came with an air conditioner, a sun roof, windshield wipers, a giant cowboy hat, fog lights, a customizable horn, a pair of Nikes (SWOOSH!), and a automatic membership with the JKARA (Japanese Kick-Ass Rifle Association). AND it was Eva-03!
"I don't get it, Touji, didn't you say there was something about this thing that made you feel like your little sister was in there with you?" Kensuke asked.
"No, I said Eva-04 did. Eva-03 is the one I'm currently assigned. They said if I could sell it, I'd be reassigned to Eva-04." Touji replied.
"Wow......hey, you'd tell me if there was something wrong with it or there were any responsibilities I had to take on when I buy it, wouldn't you?" Kensuke asked.
"Of course, we're best buds!" Touji said, laughing a bit too loudly, with too much of a crazed look in his eyes in a pose that was too much like Tatewaki Kuno from Ranma 1/2.
Kensuke formed giant sweatdrops as he watched his friend laugh for entirely too long.
"Ummmm, I guess I'll buy it....." Kensuke said, pulling two thousand yen out of his pocket. He had been hoping to buy some more Dragon Ball Z tapes, but he'd have to settle for just the complete box set when it was digitally remastered.
Touji held out a form for Kensuke to fill out and sign. Kensuke filled it out and signed it. Touji snatched Kensuke's money.
"Oh, don't ever open the sun roof if you don't like Eva blood in your LCL; you have to ride Zeruel (aka. Angel 14) in a rodeo tomorrow; if you leave the air conditioner on too long, it tends to start turning the LCL to slush; and if you belch in there, it makes the screen flicker." Touji said.
"HEY! I thought you said you'd tell me!" Kensuke said.
"I just did. And you never mentioned WHEN I had to tell you. Bye, buddy!" Touji said, zipping off faster before Kensuke could blink.
Kensuke looked over at Eva-03. At least he finally had an Eva. And if what Shinji and Misato told him was true about every kid in school having the potential to pilot an Eva...
Angel 15 hovered, glowing proudly in the darkness. The Angel slowed as it neared the Earth's atmosphere. Soon, the Earth rotated to show a small island of a large continent. It focused it's power and blasted a city on the small island. The smoke cleared and a bruised and battered young man pulled himself out of the hole waving a white flag.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!" he yelled.
"EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS TOKYO 3, JAPAN?" Angel 15 asked.
"UH?!" A-kun asked.
"IS THIS TOKYO 3, JAPAN?" Angel 15 asked.
"NO!! THIS IS ROSEMOUNT, USA! TOKYO 3 IS EIGHTY-FIVE HUNDRED MILES THAT WAY!" A-kun yelled at it, pointing.
"OH. SORRY." Angel 15 said, hovering away.
"Yeah, sure. Damn Angels! Destroying my house every week!" A-kun said, growling.
"Commander! We've spotted Angel 15 in high orbit over the planet!" Shigeru yelled.
"Mobilize Eva units 0, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 9." Gendo said calmly.
"What about Shinji and Unit 1?" Hyuuga asked.
"Shinji is trying to comfort Unit 1 after it got a 32 on it's latest test." Gendo replied.
"Wasn't that test out of 500?" Maya asked.
"Indeed." Gendo responded.
"It's okay, Eva 1." Shinji said.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!" Evangelion Unit 1 cried.
Shinji noted that it sounded remarkably like Usagi Tsukino off of Sailor Moon.
Touji, Kensuke, Asuka, Rei, Magus Cyric Davis (Mack for short), and Kai Ikari were all launched up to Tokyo 3. Kensuke was almost hyperventilating as he was about to face his first Angel. They each grabbed a various gun and aimed the weapon at the Angel.
"The Angel is in high orbit. I'm not sure any weapon we have can reach it, but we might as well try." Hyuuga commented to the team.
"Right." The Eva pilots replied.
Suddenly, the Angel warped itself so that it was over Tokyo 3 and the Evas.
"NO! It's going to attack!" Maya yelled.
Suddenly, the fifteenth Angel convulsed and a strange object lowered itself down to the middle of the city. The glow from the Angel caused a flashing pattern to occur in the strange object, which lit up the night.
Suddenly, the Evas found themselves in bell-bottom pants, cheap vests, platform shoes and fake wigs as a Disco floor formed and bad Disco music began playing.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! ACID FLASHBACK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" The Eva pilots screamed in unison as the Evas were forced to begin dance.
Gendo watched on. Finally, he saw a way to defeat the evil Angel.
"Fuyutsuki. Use the Omega Attack." Gendo told Fuyutsuki.
"GENDO! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY MEAN-" Fuyutsuki began to protest.
"USE IT OR WE'RE DONE FOR!" Gendo snapped.
"USE IT AND WE MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD ANYWAY!" Fuyutsuki argued.
"A majority of the people living within range have never even heard OF it. That should suffice as a minor buffer against the effect." Gendo replied.
Fuyutsuki shuddered.
"Maya, Shigeru, Hyuuga. I want you to go to the DOS prompt and type in winorlosedoesntmatterpyricvictory. It will activate a program. Type 'Y' eight times. Then, 'N' once." Fuyutsuki told them.
They followed Commander Fuyutsuki's directions. The words 'winorlosedoesntmatterpyricvictory' activated a program called, "U.S.P.F.A.". At the bottom of the screen, the question "Do you want to activate this program? Y/N" appeared.
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you really, really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'
"Are you REALLY, really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'
"You must be desperate. Think it over for a bit. Are you sure you want to activate this program? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Okay, let's say you are desperate. Are you REALLY sure it's worth it? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"No, seriously, are you REALLY, REALLY, _REALLY_, __REALLY__ this desperate? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Is this a joke? Y/N"
They hit 'N'.
Suddenly, giant speakers rose out of the ground around Tokyo 3 and pointed to the sky. Then, a voice began speaking. Poorly. The Evas and their pilots screamed in agony and fell to their knees.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Rei, Asuka, Kai and Kensuke screamed.
"THIS IS _WORSE_ THAN THE DISCO MUSIC!!!" Touji cried.
"NOT THIS CRAP!!!" Mack yelled.
"GRA-MA!" a hideous voice squeaked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!" Touji shrieked as his Eva fell to it's knees.
"IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS HORRIBLE....IF THEY ONLY MATCHED UP THE VOICE BETTER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Rei screamed, her Eva falling to her knees.
"TONIGHT, A HURRYING TRAIN!" another voice sang.
"KAJI! IT'S UNRAVELING MY MIND! IT'S DEFILING MY MIND!!" Asuka cried as the noise sent her into a crying fit.
"The world is a dark and lonely place. Without light, without care, without reason....." Mack said as lethal amounts of angst wracking his mind and body.
"How.....could that bastard do this.....even to win....." Kai asked, whimpering.
In the Dogma, everyone was on their knees, weeping as depression filled each of them and their will to live seeped out.
The fifteenth Angel shuddered. What it had been doing was mean, yeah, but this....this....was just plain cruel. Finally, it imploded, taking the Disco floor, the Disco ball, the cheap vests, the wigs, the platform shoes and the bell bottomed pants with it (without harming the Evas).
The Magi, sensing the Angel's destruction (and they had decided that one more half minute of the program and they would destroy it themselves) shut down the program. It would be hours, possibly days before the Dogma would recover from the hideous sounds of the Dubbed Mamano Hunter Yohko and Dubbed Bubble Gum Crisis sound files.
============================================================
A Mad Author's Production
Story Thought up by A-kun
Madness Provided by TharzZzDunN
Violence Provided by C-chan
Any and All Perversion Provided by A-chan
Fight Scenes by ?????
Dramatic Scenes (there probably won't be any) Provided by Huh?
A-kun: Hi y'all! We're beginning a huge wacky, silly, stupid, hopefully funny story and all of us are working double time to make sure this actually goes NOWHERE! Enjoy!
------------------------------------------------------------
TharzZzDunN: Everything you know about Evas is wrong. Ignore all else and believe everything the nice author writes for you to do....SEND MONEY TO TharzZzDunN! Anyway, this is deceit, an illusion, an act of predigetstsostas.....oh, fudge.
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C-chan: DIE! DIE!! DIE KAJI!! DIE!!!!!!!!
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A-chan: Hey, A-kun. I think we need more porn in this story.
A-kun: This is the opening, A-chan.
A-chan: That's what I'm talking about. There's not enough porn.
A-kun: *SIGH*
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?????: I'm hoping we'll get around to a lot of fighting. It'll be COOL!
A-kun: *SIGH*
------------------------------------------------------------
Huh?: Please forgive my impetuous friends. This will be a fanfic long remembered. It has seen the end of the Council and soon it will see the end of the Rebellion... I hate flashbacks....
------------------------------------------------------------
A-kun: ;;;O_o;;; Anyway, let's start the fanfic! Roll credits!
?????: A-kun, those go at the END of the fanfic.
A-kun: Oh, right. Start the song, then go straight to the fanfic!
TharzZzy: Right, ignore the song and turn left to the fanfic.
A-kun: This is the LAST time TharzZzDunN sets up the story.
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I Want You by Savage Garden
Any time I need to see your face,
[Eva-01 standing in front of a school. A neon sign that keeps blinking "Help out an Eva down on it's luck" is on it's chest.]
I just close my eyes
[Eva-03 is riding Zeruel like a cowboy riding a bucking bull. Eva-03 has the cowboy hat and everything. Other mecha cheer it on.]
And I am taken to a place where
[Gunbuster high-fives Dangaio, Eva-00, Eva-03, Eva-01 and then punches a sentai robot into the stratosphere.]
your crystal mind and
[Rei looking out at the scene unfolding in front of her. Her eyes are wide in disbelief.]
Magenta feeling take up shelter
[Eva-02 turns to look at the camera and points at itself. It looks around, as if looking for someone else.]
in the base of my spine
[Eva-01 trembles as Eva-00 closes in for a passionate kiss. Everyone in the audience sweatdrops.]
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola
[Dangaio spitting out some pop and complaining that it's too sweet.]
I don't need to try and explain;
[Eva-00 pointing at Eva-02 and making two rude gestures.]
I just hold on tight
[Eva-01 backs against the wall and whimpers as the two female Evas turn to it demanding that it explain to the 'hussy' that she is not wanted here.]
And if it happens again, I might move
[Eva-01 begins sliding to the right.]
so slightly
[Eva-01 rolls it's 'eyes' and begins sliding so slightly to the right.]
To the arms and the lips and the face
[The cast seems confused as to what to do.]
of the human cannonball
[The human cannonball misses and smacks into Eva-03's windshield. The pilot turns on the windshield wipers.]
That I need to, I want to
[Eva-01 proposing to both Eva-00 and Eva-02. Both smack it.]
Come stand a little bit closer
[Eva-01 creeps a little bit closer to Eva-00.]
Breathe in and get a bit a higher
[Shinji is in a room filled with smoke. He breathes in and begins stumbling around in a stupor.]
You'll never know what hit you
[Shinji still stumbling about the room.]
When I get to you
[Rei walks up to Shinji still stumbling and whaps him. He looks around confused.]
Ooh, I want you
[Shinji drooling after Rei and Asuka.]
I don't know if I need you
[Shinji still drooling after Rei and Asuka, but the girls seem to be discussing Shinji's new attitude.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Both girls pull pistols and point them at Shinji.]
Ooh, I want you
[Shinji continues forward.]
I don't know if I need you
[The girls look at each other.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Both decide to just pistol-whip him until he's unconscious.]
I'm the kind of person who endorses
[Gendo Ikari sitting at his desk, leaning back in his chair. His hands aren't visible, but there seems to be a lot of movement with them. Misato and Ritsuko are trying to explain something. He's not listening too intently.]
a deep commitment
[Finally, the women walk around the desk to see.... Gendo was playing with a Gameboy. Both whap him.]
Getting comfy getting perfect
[Shinji unzipping his pants to sit down.]
is what I live for
[Shinji relaxing, buck-naked, on the sofa. We're looking at him from in front, but to keep this story at least PG, Pen-Pen is in the way.]
But a look, then a smell of perfume
[Shinji looks at the door, then smells perfume. Asuka enters and sees Shinji.]
It's like I'm down on the floor
[Shinji on the floor with a blanket covering him.]
And I don't know what I'm in for
[He doesn't know what he's in for.]
Conversation has a time and a place
[Asuka, Rei and Shinji all laughing maniacally at Kaji who is strapped to a chair.]
In the interaction of a lover and
[Rei and Asuka both kiss Shinji on the cheek,]
a mate,
[then hand him various items of pain.]
But the time of talking,
[Kaji spilling his guts, five minutes later.]
using symbols, using words
[Unfortunately, he can't speak, so he's writing... quickly.]
Can be likened to a deep sea diver
[Kaji tries to say something as the three children push him closer to the end of a dock. Kaji is wearing 'cement shoes',]
who is swimming with a raincoat
[and a raincoat. The children push him in and laugh evilly.]
Come stand a little bit closer
[Shinji standing a little closer to Rei.]
Breathe in and get a bit a higher
[He breathes in and begins coughing and hacking.]
You'll never know what hit you
[He didn't realize that a car with black smoke belching out of it's tailpipe had just passed.]
When I get to you
[He figures Rei just had really bad perfume on that day.]
Ooh, I want you
[Kaji trying to warm up to Misato.]
I don't know if I need you
[Misato pulls out a night-stick and bashes the crap out of Kaji.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Kaji crawling away, badly beaten. Misato laughs evilly.]
Ooh, I want you
[Kaji trying to warm up to Ritsuko.]
I don't know if I need you
[Ritsuko pulls out a BIIIIIIIIIG flyswatter and crushes Kaji underneath it.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Kaji crawling away again, badly beaten. Ritsuko laughs evilly.]
Any time I need to see your face,
[Shinji trying to remember what his mother's face looked like.]
I just close my eyes
[He closes his eyes.]
And I am taken to a place where
[Then, he recalls...]
your crystal mind and
[what she looks like and...]
Magenta feeling take up shelter
[that she's just out bowling with her friends.]
in the base of my spine
[Rei sneaks up to Shinji as he's thinking and cuddles up close. Shinji feels a tingle shoot down to the base of his spine.]
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola
[He begins smiling lecherously.]
I don't need to try and explain;
[All the girls confront Shinji about his lecherous attitude. Shinji points to Eva-01.]
I just hold on tight
[The Eva 'Eeep's as the girls and the other Evas near it.]
And if it happens again, I might move
[Eva-01 just shrugs and begins to inch off screen.]
so slightly
[Not so slightly, Eva-01 runs off screen.]
To the arms and the lips and the face
[The others chase after it.]
of the human cannonball
[Someone fires the Human Cannonball at Eva-01 for some reason. He misses.]
That I need to, I want to
[The others tackle Eva-01.]
Ooh, I want you
[Everyone trying to figure out what to do with the lecherous Eva.]
I don't know if I need you
[They're still thinking.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[They're still thinking.]
Ooh, I want you
[They're still thinking.]
I don't know if I need you
[Finally, Touji comes up with the perfect idea.]
But, Ooh, I'd die to find out
[Shinji puts something on the Eva and backs up. Everyone looks at Evangelion Unit 1.]
So can we find out?
[It's got a great big Neon Sign in it's hands that read "Angel Problems? Call NERV!" and it's eyes flash with the sign. Everyone nods and leaves.]
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CHAPTER 1 - Eva 1! Eat your vegetables!
------------------------------------------------------------
Few people had ever heard of an Evangelion. That one was going to school, was incredibly stupid. So, it just HAD to happen. Eva-00 through Eva-23, eighteen angels, Dangaio, Gunbuster, three veritechs and six sentai robots were sitting in the _HUGE_ auditorium. Inside Eva-01, Shinji just HAD to wonder what the hell the purpose of this was. It was weird enough when HE had to go to school, but the Evangelion as well?
Kensuke looked up at the Evangelion. He was a little dubious of the deal on it. An Evangelion for only two thousand yen? And it came with an air conditioner, a sun roof, windshield wipers, a giant cowboy hat, fog lights, a customizable horn, a pair of Nikes (SWOOSH!), and a automatic membership with the JKARA (Japanese Kick-Ass Rifle Association). AND it was Eva-03!
"I don't get it, Touji, didn't you say there was something about this thing that made you feel like your little sister was in there with you?" Kensuke asked.
"No, I said Eva-04 did. Eva-03 is the one I'm currently assigned. They said if I could sell it, I'd be reassigned to Eva-04." Touji replied.
"Wow......hey, you'd tell me if there was something wrong with it or there were any responsibilities I had to take on when I buy it, wouldn't you?" Kensuke asked.
"Of course, we're best buds!" Touji said, laughing a bit too loudly, with too much of a crazed look in his eyes in a pose that was too much like Tatewaki Kuno from Ranma 1/2.
Kensuke formed giant sweatdrops as he watched his friend laugh for entirely too long.
"Ummmm, I guess I'll buy it....." Kensuke said, pulling two thousand yen out of his pocket. He had been hoping to buy some more Dragon Ball Z tapes, but he'd have to settle for just the complete box set when it was digitally remastered.
Touji held out a form for Kensuke to fill out and sign. Kensuke filled it out and signed it. Touji snatched Kensuke's money.
"Oh, don't ever open the sun roof if you don't like Eva blood in your LCL; you have to ride Zeruel (aka. Angel 14) in a rodeo tomorrow; if you leave the air conditioner on too long, it tends to start turning the LCL to slush; and if you belch in there, it makes the screen flicker." Touji said.
"HEY! I thought you said you'd tell me!" Kensuke said.
"I just did. And you never mentioned WHEN I had to tell you. Bye, buddy!" Touji said, zipping off faster before Kensuke could blink.
Kensuke looked over at Eva-03. At least he finally had an Eva. And if what Shinji and Misato told him was true about every kid in school having the potential to pilot an Eva...
Angel 15 hovered, glowing proudly in the darkness. The Angel slowed as it neared the Earth's atmosphere. Soon, the Earth rotated to show a small island of a large continent. It focused it's power and blasted a city on the small island. The smoke cleared and a bruised and battered young man pulled himself out of the hole waving a white flag.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!" he yelled.
"EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THIS TOKYO 3, JAPAN?" Angel 15 asked.
"UH?!" A-kun asked.
"IS THIS TOKYO 3, JAPAN?" Angel 15 asked.
"NO!! THIS IS ROSEMOUNT, USA! TOKYO 3 IS EIGHTY-FIVE HUNDRED MILES THAT WAY!" A-kun yelled at it, pointing.
"OH. SORRY." Angel 15 said, hovering away.
"Yeah, sure. Damn Angels! Destroying my house every week!" A-kun said, growling.
"Commander! We've spotted Angel 15 in high orbit over the planet!" Shigeru yelled.
"Mobilize Eva units 0, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 9." Gendo said calmly.
"What about Shinji and Unit 1?" Hyuuga asked.
"Shinji is trying to comfort Unit 1 after it got a 32 on it's latest test." Gendo replied.
"Wasn't that test out of 500?" Maya asked.
"Indeed." Gendo responded.
"It's okay, Eva 1." Shinji said.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!" Evangelion Unit 1 cried.
Shinji noted that it sounded remarkably like Usagi Tsukino off of Sailor Moon.
Touji, Kensuke, Asuka, Rei, Magus Cyric Davis (Mack for short), and Kai Ikari were all launched up to Tokyo 3. Kensuke was almost hyperventilating as he was about to face his first Angel. They each grabbed a various gun and aimed the weapon at the Angel.
"The Angel is in high orbit. I'm not sure any weapon we have can reach it, but we might as well try." Hyuuga commented to the team.
"Right." The Eva pilots replied.
Suddenly, the Angel warped itself so that it was over Tokyo 3 and the Evas.
"NO! It's going to attack!" Maya yelled.
Suddenly, the fifteenth Angel convulsed and a strange object lowered itself down to the middle of the city. The glow from the Angel caused a flashing pattern to occur in the strange object, which lit up the night.
Suddenly, the Evas found themselves in bell-bottom pants, cheap vests, platform shoes and fake wigs as a Disco floor formed and bad Disco music began playing.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! ACID FLASHBACK!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" The Eva pilots screamed in unison as the Evas were forced to begin dance.
Gendo watched on. Finally, he saw a way to defeat the evil Angel.
"Fuyutsuki. Use the Omega Attack." Gendo told Fuyutsuki.
"GENDO! YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY MEAN-" Fuyutsuki began to protest.
"USE IT OR WE'RE DONE FOR!" Gendo snapped.
"USE IT AND WE MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD ANYWAY!" Fuyutsuki argued.
"A majority of the people living within range have never even heard OF it. That should suffice as a minor buffer against the effect." Gendo replied.
Fuyutsuki shuddered.
"Maya, Shigeru, Hyuuga. I want you to go to the DOS prompt and type in winorlosedoesntmatterpyricvictory. It will activate a program. Type 'Y' eight times. Then, 'N' once." Fuyutsuki told them.
They followed Commander Fuyutsuki's directions. The words 'winorlosedoesntmatterpyricvictory' activated a program called, "U.S.P.F.A.". At the bottom of the screen, the question "Do you want to activate this program? Y/N" appeared.
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Are you really, really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'
"Are you REALLY, really sure? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'
"You must be desperate. Think it over for a bit. Are you sure you want to activate this program? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Okay, let's say you are desperate. Are you REALLY sure it's worth it? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"No, seriously, are you REALLY, REALLY, _REALLY_, __REALLY__ this desperate? Y/N"
They hit 'Y'.
"Is this a joke? Y/N"
They hit 'N'.
Suddenly, giant speakers rose out of the ground around Tokyo 3 and pointed to the sky. Then, a voice began speaking. Poorly. The Evas and their pilots screamed in agony and fell to their knees.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Rei, Asuka, Kai and Kensuke screamed.
"THIS IS _WORSE_ THAN THE DISCO MUSIC!!!" Touji cried.
"NOT THIS CRAP!!!" Mack yelled.
"GRA-MA!" a hideous voice squeaked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!" Touji shrieked as his Eva fell to it's knees.
"IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS HORRIBLE....IF THEY ONLY MATCHED UP THE VOICE BETTER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Rei screamed, her Eva falling to her knees.
"TONIGHT, A HURRYING TRAIN!" another voice sang.
"KAJI! IT'S UNRAVELING MY MIND! IT'S DEFILING MY MIND!!" Asuka cried as the noise sent her into a crying fit.
"The world is a dark and lonely place. Without light, without care, without reason....." Mack said as lethal amounts of angst wracking his mind and body.
"How.....could that bastard do this.....even to win....." Kai asked, whimpering.
In the Dogma, everyone was on their knees, weeping as depression filled each of them and their will to live seeped out.
The fifteenth Angel shuddered. What it had been doing was mean, yeah, but this....this....was just plain cruel. Finally, it imploded, taking the Disco floor, the Disco ball, the cheap vests, the wigs, the platform shoes and the bell bottomed pants with it (without harming the Evas).
The Magi, sensing the Angel's destruction (and they had decided that one more half minute of the program and they would destroy it themselves) shut down the program. It would be hours, possibly days before the Dogma would recover from the hideous sounds of the Dubbed Mamano Hunter Yohko and Dubbed Bubble Gum Crisis sound files.
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