We said we'd never make a second one.
We were joking.
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NEON SIGN EVANGELION PART 2
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That's right, we're doing a second one.
And you're damn well going to read!
WARNING: This contains spoilers for those who don't know the REAL story behind the Evangelions.
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Synchronization Ratio 1.0
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As Angel 14, codename Ramiel, was being devoured by Evangelion Unit 01, Misato lost her lunch. The scene of blood was mixed with the vaguely cute way Evangelion 01 was munching on the core and slurping blood out of Ramiel's skull. It should be noted that Ritsuko was picking her nose while everyone was focused on Eva-01, eventually clearing it with a good farmer's blow. Finally, Eva-01 stumbled to it's feet, walked over to a nearby pond and dumped it's armor as if tossing off a robe, causing everyone to gasp as they saw the Evangelion had hair on it's head. Short and purple hair at that. Well, short hair for an Evangelion. It looked vaguely like Maya's hairdo.
Suddenly, they heard a noise. It was familiar and yet, it was a lot louder than it normally was. Everyone was curious as to what the Eva was doing since they couldn't see more than it's head.
More curious than the rest of the group, Misato and Ritsuko began walking towards the Eva, never getting more than it's head into their line of sight. Makoto and Shigeru followed the duo. Maya had fainted, but thankfully for her, everyone else was too busy staring at the Evangelion, so they wouldn't give a damn that she had her thumb to her right nostril and her ring finger to her ear (don't hurt yourselves, people).
As the group of four humans neared the pond, they saw something, but couldn't make out what it was. There seemed to be a lot of it. Finally, as they passed the final tree that blocked their view, they saw what the Evangelion was doing.
"Do you MIND?! I'm taking a bath!" the giant and very naked form of Yui Ikari asked as she shampooed her hair again.
Makoto and Shigeru passed out from blood loss, Ritsuko began drooling uncontrollably and Misato politely offered to scrub Yui's back.
Back at NERV HQ, Fuyutsuki and Gendo stared out at the giant and naked Yui.
"The council isn't going to like this one bit." Fuyutsuki responded.
"Let them whine." Gendo said, drooling a bit before continuing, "I've got what I always wanted."
At the pond, Ritsuko finally looked away from Yui as she heard some screaming. A figure fell to her left. Ritsuko turned and looked down to find Shinji laying face-first in the sand at her feet.
"Shinji, you okay?" Ritsuko asked.
Shinji slowly raised his head and glared up at the blonde scientist, incidentally catching sight of her panties.
"Ritsuko, tell me this: If you had just gone through what I just went through, which was experiencing having my arm blown off, then killing and devouring a 68 ton Angel, then suddenly being teleported fifty feet above ground to land facefirst in sand, would YOU be okay?" Shinji asked.
"I.... guess not." Ritsuko responded, helping the poor fourteen year old up.
"SHINJI!" Yui cried, seeing her son.
She picked her up and cradled him against her giant bosom as Misato continued to wash Yui's back.
"GAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!! Mom, I can't barely breathe!" Shinji cried in a panic and incidentally making less sense than normal.
Yui, hearing Shinji pleas of desperation, leaned forward in the pond and placed Shinji on the opposite side of the pond from Ritsuko, who had just passed out from a nosebleed. Misato continued to wash Yui's back as the giant woman lay propped up by her elbows in the pond. Shinji was Yui's son, so she didn't want him passing out from a nosebleed like everyone else, save Misato, who seemed to be doing just fine while still scrubbing the giant woman's back. However, Misato had somehow changed into a tight-fitting Navy sailor suit and the theme song from "Popeye the Sailor Man" played mysteriously in the background. Misato danced to the song, while continuing to scrub Yui's back.
"Oh, tell me all about yourself. All I know is that it's been _years_ since we last saw each other, sweetie." Yui asked.
"Uh, well..." Shinji began.
The giant woman gestured to the pile of metal next to her as she looked down at the young woman before her.
"You're kidding, right? I've got to put on this tacky outfit?" Yui Ikari, aka. Evangelion Unit 01, demanded.
"Sorry ma'am, but due to the number of nosebleeds that have been occurring around base, we have to have you put SOMETHING on, and this was the only thing we could come up with on such short notice. We should have a better suit made in about a week or so." Maya responded, trying to ignore the giant bosom right in front of her. It seemed like the catwalk got lower every day. Luckily, she already had kleenex stuffed up each nostril, so chances of her passing out were lowered.
"......" Yui fumed, obviously not liking the idea of doning what looked like a giant suit of metal armor that was supposed to look like a suit of armor, but resembled a bunch of cardboard boxes that had been stapled haphazardly together. When she had finally placed all of the "armor" on, she looked expectantly at Maya.
"Now what?" Yui asked.
"Um, well, I, uh, what do you mean?" Maya inquired.
"I meant, what else is there to do? I can't just STAND here all day, every day!" Yui protested.
"I don't know, ma'am. I'll have to run it past Commander Ikari." Maya responded.
"_COMMANDER_?!?! A man who cries when he can't find his favorite boxers in the morning is your COMMANDER?!" Yui asked.
Maya nodded.
Yui burst into laughter.
Gendo looked at his wife, who was sitting in coolant as all the Evas did when they weren't in battle.
"Yui..." Gendo began.
Yui fixed Gendo with a stern look. Gendo nearly balked, but it was better to face Yui now. One thing he had learned with her was that if he tried to avoid an argument or her scolding, she only got madder the next time.
"ShINji tells me-" Gendo began, his voice cracking under the harsh glare of his wife.
"Shinji told me _all_ about it, _GENDO_." Yui responded.
Gendo whimpered and backed down. Yui only used his full name when she was severely angry at him. Proving that Like Son, Like Father, Gendo began muttering to himself, "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..." (So, it IS in Shinji's jeans. Oh, and Shinji's genes too.)
"Uh, wELL, you sEE, it was like this..." Gendo began, his voice still cracking. It was worse than when he was going through puberty and his voice kept changing because, back then, it was SUPPOSED to change.
Gendo began the tedious task of trying to convince his wife that what he did was right.
"I'm no good at parenting! I can barely keep the dishes clean! And I have Ritsuko doing-" Gendo began, before realizing that he had to come up with a good excuse as to why Ritsuko would be in his apartment. After all, if Yui ever found out about the wild nights, the cursing, the swearing, the deck of nudey cards, the fact that he had lost his car to Ritsuko, but he won an entire year of her doing his laundry, the giant Yui would probably go on a rampage. After all, Yui had never approved of Gendo's uncontrollable desire to gamble.
"-me a favor and helping me with the laundry." Gendo finished.
"What happened to Naoko?" Yui demanded, glancing around and not seeing her best friend.
"Why, Naoko..." Gendo began. He couldn't tell his wife that he had cheated on her, but if she asked Ritsuko what happened....
"...got killed in a traffic accident. We're cloning her!" Gendo responded, mentally cursing his memory. He had to get blood from before he and Naoko started their affair and hope that was enough to clone her. After all, he didn't want Naoko blackmailing him. Of course, since Naoko had been 32 years old back then, she would wind up only four years older than Ritsuko. Gendo began realizing that trying to get out of trouble with his wife was getting costly and complicated.
"Well, I hope you do a good job, Gendo. She deserves that at least for all the hard work she's done." Yui responded.
"Yes, honey..." Gendo said.
"Don't think you're off the hook. I _still_ want to know why you let my sister raise Shinji. You know she and her husband are completely incompetant when it comes to raising children. Hell, you can't even let them babysit without the child coming out with severe emotional scars." Yui scolded.
"Yes, honey..." Gendo responded.
"My half-cousin Ayame, she was _always_ good at raising children..." Yui mused.
Gendo sat down on the catwalk. Once Yui got rambling, it took a while for her to finish.
Shinji entered his father's office, a tad surprised when he saw his father rubbing his temples as he drew close to his father's desk. Gendo took note of his son's approach and turned to him. Shinji realized it was the first time he had seen his father not wearing his shades.
"Uh, father?" Shinji asked.
"Call me 'dad', Shinji." Gendo advised.
"All right... dad." Shinji responded, confused as he continued, "What did you need me to see me about?"
"Um, I don't suppose you could talk with your mom, could you?" Gendo inquired.
"I guess I could. About what?" Shinji requested.
".....Rei." Gendo answered.
"Yeah, what about Rei?" Shinji asked.
Gendo realized he had never told his son about Rei's true nature. He braced himself, idly wondering how Shinji might take the news, before deciding to tell Shinji the story.
"Well, you see, when your mother died, I was heartbroken. I was irrational and I did quite a few stupid things. One of which resulted in Rei." Gendo began.
"YOU HAD AN AFFAIR?!" Shinji demanded, slamming a fist onto Gendo's desk, startling the Commander and Chief of NERV.
"NO!" Gendo responded, panicking as he desperately tried to get his thoughts in order. After all, Shinji actually getting more hostile than casting a harsh glare was quite disturbing. And Gendo was disturbed enough as it was.
"Oh." Shinji answered.
Shinji relaxed.
"I tried to scrape together some DNA from your mother and create a clone. However, we lacked sufficient samples. According to some research, I found that the DNA we had was too corrupt to make a proper clone as it would lack the ability to pilot Eva, as was her desire before she passed on. So, we had to mix in some Angel DNA that we had, but I feared that the Angel DNA mix take over the cognitive functions of the Yui clone, so I tossed in some other DNA I had laying around." Gendo continued.
"You were juryrigging mom?!" Shinji asked, staring at his father.
"Essentially." Gendo replied.
"......." Shinji pronunciated.
Shinji stared at his father again. He considered leaving, but decided against it. He was learning about Rei, after all, and hearing the full story would help in figuring her out.
"What other DNA did you have 'laying around'?" Shinji inquired.
"mmmmiffftmmmmm." Gendo mumbled.
Shinji blinked. His father MUMBLING?! This was getting serious.
"Who's DNA?" Shinji asked.
"Ritsuko's." Gendo said, staring at the ceiling.
Shinji blinked again. It made sense, all of a sudden. The leering towards Asuka when the fiery redhead was in anything less than a school uniform, the constant swiping of Misato's panties, the offer to take Shinji to the local strip club and leer at the naked ladies, the frequent "backrubs" from Maya... Shinji had been wondering what the hell happened to Rei after the once silent girl had her last check up with Ritsuko. He had inquired to Ritsuko, but all he got from the blonde scientist was that Rei had had her first "special moment" and that she was "becoming a woman". Shinji had tried to get a response about that from Asuka, Misato, Pen-Pen and even Kaji, but all of them had pretty much danced around the subject, never coming within an Evangelion's armslength of the actual answer Shinji was looking for.
"Okay, how do I explain it to mom?" Shinji asked.
"Don't ask me, I just work here." Gendo responded, hitting a button on his desk.
Shinji fell through a hole that appeared in Gendo's floor just beneath his feet. In seconds, he found himself in front of his mother.
"SHINJI!" Yui cried, hurrying over to her son.
Shinji thought about how he was going to explain Rei to his mom when he barely understood himself. He was knocked down by the tidal wave Yui's sudden lunge had caused.
Later, in a meeting, Misato, Ritsuko, Fuyutski, Rei, Asuka, Shinji, Kensuke, Touji and Hikari sat in a conference room.
"Okay, Shinji, you and Hikari are assigned to Eva-05 and Eva-06. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who get's which Eva." Fuyutski.
"I GET EVA 5!" Hikari called before cuddling up to Touji, pilot of Eva-04.
"Okay..." Fuyutski began.
"Um, excuse me, sir, but weren't Kai Ikari and Magus Cyric Davis supposed to pilot those Evas?" Shinji asked.
"Oh, they've been reassigned to a very important duty. Don't worry, you'll see them again, but you probably won't recognize them." Fuyutsuki responded.
Meanwhile, at a very near meat factory...
"Hey, help me shove this avatar's feet into the grinder. It's a tad stuck." one worker said.
"Sure. Ain't it great? These poor bastards'll be bologna in a matter of minutes." the second worker responded.
"Hey, they're already shipping out some bologna already." a third worker commented.
"Well, guess these feet'll be in the next shipment." the first worker declared.
Back at NERV....
"Fresh bologna sandwiches, straight from the factory!" Makoto Hyuga said, entering the conference room pushing a cart. Maya and Shigeru followed behind Makoto.
"MMMMM! I _love_ ones straight from the factory. You can still taste the BLOOD." Touji said, snatching four off of the cart.
"Eeeew, Touji. Don't be gross." Hikari said, taking two for herself.
Everyone save Fuyutsuki and Rei took bologna sandwiches. Fuyutsuki took the chocolate pudding while Rei had the vegetarian sandwich and some chocolate pudding of her own. Little did Rei know that the vegetarian sandwich was an ordinary bologna sandwich with green food dye #168 mixed in just before packaging. However, neither Fuyutsuki nor Rei knew what was REALLY in the chocolate pudding. That's right. Leftover tapioca pudding.
"Nmfo famdmich fom mou?" Misato asked, her mouth full of bologna.
Fuyutski sweatdropped. If she only knew... and yet, she looked adorable with what was probably Kai Ikari's left kidney in her mouth.
"No thanks. I had a big breakfast." Fuyutsuki answered.
"By the way, where's Commander Ikari?" Asuka asked, looking around for the overly dramatic man that lead NERV.
"He's.... busy. Doing very important business." Fuyutsuki answered.
Meanwhile, at a nearby crane machine...
"Come on... come on..." Gendo chanted.
The "Insta-Clone" box that was being held precariously in the crane's grasp was slowly edging over to the drop area when it suddenly dropped for the six hundred and fiftieth time. Cursing, Gendo, pulled out another fifty dollar bill and cursed himself for putting all the _good_ prizes in the $1 per try crane game machine.
But, fifty more tries would probably do the trick. And once he got that box, he could make a clone of Naoko to show Yui. He briefly realized that that would mean he'd have to PAY Naoko to make it seem official to everyone, but decided that being squished like Kaoru had been, would _not_ be even remotely as dramatic or traumatizing to _anyone's_ ego. Least of all, Shinji's.
As he managed to snag another Naga the Great White Hype..er, Serpent doll instead of the Insta-Clone box, he began considering what he was going to tell everyone else about Naoko's sudden reappearance.
"'Listen, dammit, I'm the commander and I'm telling you to all accept this or I'll pop a cap in every ass here'...nah. Not even remotely IC for me. Wait, why the hell would I care about IC or OOC?"
Back at the meeting...
Fuyutsuki addressed everyone, while mentally trying to decide what parts of the two dead avatars were being digested. Mostly intestines and lung, he guessed, not wanting to know the actual truth, which was lips and sphincters...oops, my mistake. Those were in the hot dogs.
"All right, the final piece of business. Once again, we aren't going to be getting nearly enough funding to continue living as we are, so..." Fuyutsuki began.
"You're not going to sell another clone of me at auction, are you?" Rei IIXV inquired.
"Hey, you aren't supposed to be here." Rei II responded.
"F**k you." Rei IV retaliated.
"Yeah, stick it up your a$$." Rei III snorted.
"YOU DIE! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!" Rei I screamed, leaping into the room and bashing the three stray clones over the heads before dragging them off.
Deciding to ignore the errant clones and the fact that timelines between the events were so screwed up that an Episode 3 Asuka was walking past the open door while humming to herself, despite the fact that there _was_ no Episode 3 Asuka, since Asuka didn't show up until, what, the seventh episode or so, the meeting continued, because the comma quota had been used up for the paragraph, which can be anything between 3 to 8 lines if any of us recalls English lessons correctly, even though school sucks and I don't want to remember any of it, and we'll stop rambling now.
"As I was saying, since we, once again, will not be getting enough funding, we have opted to make allowances..." Fuyutsuki began again.
"COOL! What's it at? 1000 yen? 50,000 yen?" Asuka inquired.
"AS I was saying, we have opted to make CHANGES. From now on, to reduce the amount of gasoline wasted by Misato, Ritsuko, Maya, Makoto, Shigeru, myself, Gendo and numerous other employees going home, to the nudie clubs, and coming back, we're now going to be giving you access to bicycles and you'll all be moving into the Geofront." Fuyutsuki finished.
"WHAT?!" seemed to be the dominant demand from everyone. Rei II and Maya asked if there was any more Pocari Sweat in the 'fridge.
"IT'S LOGICAL, PEOPLE!" Fuyutsuki yelled, startling everyone.
Collecting his patience again, Fuyutsuki continued, "In a burst of logic, the script writers actually came up with a realistic idea because, let's face it, we can't afford another incident like the ninth Angel. Also, all Eva pilots are to discontinue going to school."
"It's kinda hard to continue, what with the city destroyed after the destruction of Eva-00 and the 16th Angel. Poor Rei II. Never had a chance...." Rei II said, seemingly forgetting that SHE was the one that she was referring to.
"Yeah, and we all know that if the school had a rat's ass of surviving that explosion, I wouldn't have had the free time to survey the devastation, during which I met Kaworu." Shinji said.
"Who's that?" Touji asked.
"The 17th Angel, also known as Tabris. I killed him by squishing him with Eva-01's hand." Shinji explained.
Kaworu Nagisa burst through the closed door into the room, "Am I real late?"
"Okay, OKAY!" Kihle yelled among the confusion.
SEELE was not taking the temporal mishaps very well. Stranger still, some of the council members remembered only hearing about the 3rd Angel, while others could swear they had sent Evangelion Units 5-13 to Tokyo-3 in order to destroy the base and retrieve Lillith or whatever had been stuck into the basement of NERV HQ. Once Kihle had shouted, everyone else continued to argue. So, Kihle hit the button marked "Obedience". A cacophony of pain-filled yelps followed, along with silence soon afterwards.
"This is what I _think_ is going on. We've got a Plot Loop." Kihle declared.
This started another mini-debate. Kihle wished he hadn't allowed members of the FFML into SEELE. It was getting ridiculous. Kihle hit the button and silence struck again. And no, Sailor Saturn wasn't around. She and Sean had been stuck in a wall of Crystal Tokyo or something like that.
"What can we do about it?" a helpful, yet unnamed, FFML...er, SEELE member inquired.
"We can either attempt to try and figure out what the hell happened, which will result in temporary or even permanent migraines, _or_ we can ignore it and try and continue as normal." Kihle offered.
The debate was on. Kihle struck the button once more...
"Well, um, it's not entirely hideous." Touji offered.
"This thing could scare away Angels at seven miles, Touji." Shinji replied.
Evangelion Units 5 and 6 were not the best looking Evas in the universe. The fact that Eva-06 looked like a giant human wearing red spandex that had black and blue web-like designs on it did not help. Nor did the fact that his Eva had 'webslingers' at the base of each palm.
"SPIDERMAN! SPIDERMAN! RADIOACTIVE SPIDERMAN!" came the song-like taunting.
"Shut _UP_, Rei XVI, or I'll tell Rei II that you're stealing her spotlight." Shinji growled.
Rei XVI fell silent.
"That's better." Shinji replied.
"SPIDERMAN! SPIDERMAN! RADIO-" came more taunting.
"That goes for the rest of you!" Shinji yelled at various members of the FFML, who had somehow gotten direct links into the Evangelion's intercom.
"At least your Eva isn't getting glomped." Touji responded, motioning to the very pink Evangelion Unit 5.
Unlike the other Evangelions, Evangelion Unit 5 was designed like a very feminine mechanical robot. The sort that popped up in games that featured giant mecha fighting in a DOOM or Duke Nuke'em sort of style. Or in Robotech. Or maybe a giant version of Nene's hardsuit (from Bubblegum Crisis). Whichever is more familiar. The pink paint job was demanded by Hikari, who wouldn't want to fight in the gaudy yellow or icky white they had chosen.
"Wai!" Hikari cried happily.
"WARNING! WARNING! ANGEL 1 IS APPROACHING! WARNING! WARNING! DANGER, SHINJI ROBINSON!" Evangelion Unit 6's computer cried, which was echoed by the MAGI.
"Hey, didn't I kill and eat the 14th Angel-OW!" Yui started before a migraine struck.
"Here, mom. Try these." Shinji said, extending some pills to his mother.
"Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different." Yui responded, popping the pills into her mouth, then gulping from a nearby tanker of water. She set the tanker back onto the truck it had been attached to.
"Nonetheless, Angel 1 is approaching. Everyone, prepare to battle it." Naoko remarked, scratching her elbows. The after-effects of the Insta-Clone was that her elbows got really itchy.
"Can we see a visual of it?" Asuka inquired.
Everyone, save Yui, who didn't have any internal mechanism anymore, yelped.
"IT'S-!" Touji began.
"ANUHBUHEEIEL!" came a chorus from the FFML.
"STOP THAT! We've already done that!" scolded another voice from the FFML.
"Ahem, as I was saying... IT'S-!" Touji began again.
"Monty Python's Flying Circus-ess-ess-ess!" came a voice from the FFML.
An electronic boot-to-the-virtual-head later, and Touji tried once more, "IT'S-!"
Touji glared at the FFML members, who stayed silent as they really wanted to know what the hell the first Angel could be.
Touji, Kensuke, Rei XIX, and Asuka were all in hospital beds, all with unusual injuries. Rei II, Rei IIIV, Shinji and Hikari were all fine, but were visiting their sick comrades.
"Wow! That was a difficult battle against ." Touji commented from his hospital bed.
"Shut UP, Touji." came the growl from Rei XIX, who was occupying the bed next to him. She was in the hospital for something that sounded like "accident with a vending machine", but no one could be certain as she mumbled it.
Rei IIIV snorted.
"That's what you get for swiping my Eva, hussy." Rei II told her.
"Amen, sister." Rei IIIV said, taking out a lighter and igniting it before swaying back and forth.
"And I'm taking your stash away." Rei II told the hippie Rei.
"ATTICA! ATTICA!" Rei IIIV said, running a can against some bars before eating some twinkies and falling asleep. While still standing.
"Rei, I think you've gotta get leashes for your clones or _something_. Next thing you know, they'll be Soylent Green or bologna or something." Shinji commented to Rei II.
"Nah, that's what SIs are for." Rei responded.
Meanwhile, at a nearby meat factory....
"GET IN THERE!" a worker yelled.
"NOOOO!!! I'm not a bad SI! I just wanna change story events! Bring real life experiences to the world! WAAAAAAH!" another annoying A-kun clone cried.
"That's what you all say." the worker grunted.
Worker #2 whacked the errant clone over the head with the Clown Hammer and the clone fell backwards into the meat grinding, bone-crushing, cloth-burning machine. He was hot dog meat in minutes.
"Damn! These A-kun clones are getting more and more annoying." Worker #1 commented.
"Maybe we should switch to Kajis. Just flash 'em a picture of Misato's melons and they fall right in." Worker #3 said.
"Yeah, but I like shooting 'em. More satisfying. 'sides, I hate the goofy looks on their faces when they see them melons. Each one thinks they've banged 'er, and that's just not right." Worker #1 commented, pulling a rifle and shooting another Kaji clone that had been trying to get away.
"Wish we had some SI powers to force these morons into the grinders. 'course, then we'd be no better than 'em." Worker #2 murmurred.
"Uugggh..." Worker #4 said.
"What is it?" Workers #1-3 inquired in unison.
"Get ready for some really nasty meat. It's all going to be Grade F meat." Worker #4 noted.
"Uuuhhh, isn't Grade C just barely passing health inspection?" Worker #2 asked nervously.
"Yeah, but all the Grade F is going to Shadowloo, so no biggie." Worker #4 answered.
"Well, what kind is it?" Worker #1 demanded.
"........ Isseis and Oscars. And a few Red Serpents, Gontermans and Hentai Mans to boot." Worker #4 told them.
All four workers shuddered.
"Man, even Shadowloo BARELY desires that!" Worker #3 commented.
"Nothin' we can do, boys. Just hack 'em up, then we'll spray the grinders with sulfiric acid." Worker #4 said.
"Come ON! We've got standards to maintain! We'll need whole new equipment!" Worker #2 said.
Worker #4 considered this and nodded in agreement.
Back at NERV HQ...
"So, basically, we're just not happy little elves."
Kensuke looked at the title. At first glance, 'Deadly Ninja Mecha-Piloting Cyber-Elves from Beyond Mars' LOOKED like a good anime, but he was noting things were lacking. Like the 'Cyber' part. And the 'Ninja' part. And the 'Deadly' part, the 'Mecha-Piloting' part, and especially the 'from Beyond Mars' part. Hell, he was beginning to doubt the 'Elves' part too. Which left him with no title whatsoever. So far, it had just been a sickeningly sweet story about a bunch of people dressed up to look VAGUELY like elves, depending on what book you took the meaning of 'elves' from.
Then, the counter on the VCR neared what the box stated was going to be the last five minutes of the film. So, in three minutes, a gory, violent, no holds barred, stomp-down, beat 'em up, shoot 'em first and spit on 'em later, symbolism-filled, blood-fest filled the screen. Kensuke stared at the screen in horror. Even for an otaku who had watched 'Ultimate Grappler Baki' and 'Fist of the Northstar' without flinching or cringing, this anime was over the top. Then, the credits rolled and he noticed a name. Hideaki Anno. Kensuke nodded in understanding. The man could do great pieces of work, but then he got moody and depressing and eventually, by the end of the series (or video, in some cases), you were ten times more confused than you were when you started the series (or video, again in some cases).
At least this time, the main character (who Kensuke could SWEAR always looked and sounded like Shinji) wasn't 'strangling his chicken' over an unconscious girl (who always looked strangely like Asuka) in a hospital bed. And at least there wasn't an overly bishounen guy pulling a sword from his mother's womb in a gory and overly symbolic scene. Kensuke almost shuddered as memories of 'X/1999 the second movie: Yeah, we're back and you're damn well gonna watch!' flowed through his head. Being a full-fledged otaku, he was made of slightly tougher stuff than your average fanboy or girl.
"Kensuke, if you can't stand that stuff, why watch it?" Shinji asked from the hospital bed next to his.
"Well, for one thing, it's new. Secondly, it wasn't as depressing as 'Peon Menace Maybellion Siren'." Kensuke answered.
"I don't know, Kensuke. I think Hideaki Anno has kinda gone nuts." Touji remarked.
Kensuke backed the video up to the most disturbing image, then turned back to the jock.
"*Kinda gone*?" Kensuke asked.
Touji shuddered violently.
"Okay, he's completely gone." Touji responded.
"I think he may have gone so far that he actually came back. Then left again." Hikari stated.
All six Children nodded in unison, then shuddered in unison. What happened to the other two Reis that were supposed to be in the room? I don't know. I lost track when we got to the Cyber-Elves part. A-kun!
"So, how's your mom?" Hikari asked Shinji.
"Ummmmm...." Shinji began, before glancing out the only window.
Yui Ikari, aka. Evangelion Unit 01, was laying on a giant beach chair while wearing a giant purple bikini. She had on a giant pair of Rayban sunglasses (tm) and a sunhat. She also had a giant generic cola can next to her on a mobile flatbed that was often used to haul Patlabors around.
"Aaaaah... Shinji dear, don't forget to brush your teeth tonight." Yui cried.
Shinji sighed, picked up a bullhorn, then walked over to the window and opened it.
He yelled into the bullhorn, "OKAY, MOM!"
"Shinji, you shouldn't yell at your mom." Hikari scolded.
"But I have to." Shinji answered.
"Why?" Hikari asked.
"What was that, dear? I couldn't hear you." Yui called back.
"That's why." Shinji told Hikari, before shouting his message again. This time, Yui had cupped a hand to her right ear to hear her son better.
Within a week, all of the pilots were back to active duty. Kaworu was pleased with Evangelion 10. Sure, for some reason, synchronizing with it gave him the distinct feeling of a wedgie, but the fact that he now had his own Eva was, to say the least, gratifying. Once they were done with the standard sync tests, the pilots showered and converged in a cafeteria.
"So, if the school's blown up, what are we supposed to do?" Shinji asked.
"Don't worry. I'm sure Ritsuko and Misato are working on that, right now." Maya declared, walking in.
Meanwhile, in Ritsuko's office...
The two women were drooling while they looked over the latest "Peon Menace Maybellion Siren" doujinshi.
"Ooooh, look at THAT!" Misato drooled.
"Ohohohoh, baby...." Ritsuko drooled.
Naturally, they were drooling over the image for different reasons.
"I can't believe this sort of thing is even LEGAL!" Misato declared.
"Are you kidding? It's been legal for all people age 12 and up to get this for years now." Ritsuko responded.
Misato's eyes widened.
"Really?" Misato asked.
"Yeah, really." Ritsuko stated, casting a wary gaze Misato's way.
"Wow. To think..." Misato began, looking at the image of the item that was advertised in the back of the doujinshi, "...a customizable video game that you could alter yourself."
"Just think what you could do with it!" Ritsuko said.
Both women instantly began thinking of different things. Ritsuko, of an orgy with Misato, Maya and whoever else suited her fancy. Misato, of a game where you controlled a chibi-Misato and had her eat and drink beer for hours on end. Naturally, they weren't on the same thought pattern.
Meanwhile, back in the cafeteria...
"I hope so. I'm getting bored." Asuka declared.
"Mmmmmm, Evanjellydonut... hey, the fourth is only partially done." Shinji said, munching on a batch of Evanjellydonuts.
"SHINJI, DON'T EAT THAT!" Rei IVIXVMC cried, just as she fell into a snare trap Rei I had set up in the cafeteria.
Shinji had just finished the fourth partially cooked Evanjellydonut, when he turned to look at Rei II and Asuka. He would've seen Rei IVIXVMC, but Rei IVIXVMC was now being dragged into the ceiling by Rei I.
Suddenly, Rei II and Asuka were butt-naked, their arms and Asuka's hair just barely concealing their naughty bits, as they rode a single clam on sea foam. Touji and Kensuke appeared as tiny cherubs with only a bow and arrow to each and a white sash to cover them up.
"What's the matter, Shinji?" Kensuke-cherub asked.
"Ain'tcha never seen a pair of naked chicks riding a clam before?" Touji-cherub inquired.
"GOTTA GO!" Shinji yelped.
He exited the cafeteria and slammed the double doors behind him. He leaned against them and fell back into the cafeteria as the doors were the sort to allow easy entering and exits. He rolled out of the cafeteria, stood up and flexed a mighty arm before calling out, "OOSHA!"
Blinking as sanity returned to him, Shinji asked himself, "What the hell was that?! Oh, I knew I shouldn't have used that packet of powdered sugar I found in the parking lot to make that batch of cookies!"
Considering what he just said, he added to himself, "And I shouldn't have shared the cookies with everyone."
"OOGA-BOOGA! OOGA-BOOGA!" Shigeru and Ryoji Kaji chanted as they raced past wearing leopard skins and carried spears and clubs larger than Shinji's torso. They seemed to be on a mammoth hunt.
Shinji turned around and glanced into the cafeteria. Touji was making out with the soda fountain. Hikari was exposing her ass and had a lighter in one hand. Kaworu kept chanting, "Ia! Ia Cthulhu F'taugn R'lyeh F'taugn! Ia!" for some reason as glowing images of Big Bird and Elmo from Sesame Street appeared on his forehead.
Asuka was declaring she was able to climb the walls faster than Maya with her lips while Maya was muttering something about how she "loves me spinach. Huh-guh-guh-guh-guuuh.". Rei II was asleep in the most awkward position possible on a chair. Kensuke was hovering while wearing a three-piece business suit and declaring how happy everyone would be when all souls became his. Kensuke was also declaring something about his name being Jedah, Jebus or something like that.
"Hoo-boy. This'll be difficult to fix, won't it, Luna?" Shinji asked.
Luna the black cat nodded, "That's right, Shinji. We have no time to waste. We have to find the Moon Princess and the Moroboshi no Ginzuisho! Come on, Tuxedo Shinji! There's not much time!"
"Right, let's get my Time-Travelling Frog, Cutey Honey and Kekko Kamen. We'll need their help." Tuxedo Shinji responded, swirling dramatically in his cape until he fell on his bottom, as dizzy as someone trying to fill out their year 2001 Tax Forms.
"I'll get the fresh-roasted peanuts. They'll be vital for getting back on time for Pep Squad!" Luna answered.
They leapt down a laundry chute, presumably to find Tuxedo Shinji's time-travelling frog.
"Yare, Yare, Fuyutsuki-chan." Gendo said, wearing purple robes while carrying a bizarre staff that formed a rhombus near the top. A large orb was wedged in the middle of the rhombus.
Fuyutsuki lifted a hand and pointed at Gendo accusingly.
"Mr. Gendo! I will not abide by your evil any longer! I shall smite you with the Hammer of Justice! RA TILT!" Fuyutsuki cried.
Gendo teleported out of the way as blue spiritual energy flowed at the point where he had been standing. Suddenly, Naoko, dressed in only a black opera mask and a cape, hefted a guitar and smashed Gendo over the head, letting loose the battle cry of, "EL KABONG!"
Gendo collapsed. Fuyutsuki leapt up into a nearby ventilation shaft, which was the highest point available, and began giving a Justice speech as Naoko grabbed a vine and swung off to stop more evil doers.
Tuxedo Shinji found himself in a zoo. Grabbing a nearby toad and licking it, his delusions became even more hilarious as his eyes dilated to six times their normal size and his ears shrank. He and Luna leapt off a stairwell and began flying straight down as dogs carrying musketry began firing at gnats near them. Tuxedo Shinji belched a hello to them and then watched as the world around him became the women's public bath.
Suddenly, tuna fish popped out of the water and began chanting in a singsong manner, "Shinji loves Asuka! Shinji love Rei! Shinji loves Asuka! Shinji loves Rei! Shinji wants ta boink all da girls! Word!"
The fish vanished as the cherub-Touji and cherub-Kensuke appeared again, waving their cheeks in his face.
"Shinji, you're hallucinatin' again." cherub-Touji told him.
"Not a good sign." cherub-Kensuke added.
Shinji watched them fly out of the window, then hopped on his magic skateboard and flew Rei to the moon. To let her see what spring was like on Jupiter and that big red ball of rock. They played and frolicked among the stars until Shinji's beer ran out, so he had to scream out, "JUMANJI!"
The world broke apart like a 3rd grade science project ten minutes before the judges made their rounds. Explosively, that is.
Shinji found himself staring in a white void of total darkness and some light. He felt... freedom. Complete and utter freedom. Somehow, it left him feeling hollow and alone.
"What is this?" Shinji asked.
"This is what it is like to be totally free. You can go anywhere in this place you so desire." came a voice. It sounded like Rei's.
"I don't like it. I have nothing to do. Nowhere to go." Shinji answered.
"Then, we'll draw a line." came his father's voice.
Like in a cartoon, a line was drawn, signifying the ground.
"But you have now lost a degree of freedom. You may no longer fly around as you please. You must now walk upon the ground. You may go anywhere on the ground you so desire, but you may no longer do so while flying." came Misato's voice.
"So, what is the point of total freedom, if there's nothing to do and nowhere to go?" Shinji inquired.
"You are learning fast, Shinji. There truly is no point to a world where you have total freedom. This is exactly what the creator of the universe thought when he was making our world." Yui's voice answered.
"However, the creator knew that a simple world would be filled with nothing to do. So, he had to make it complex. By creating mysteries, enigmas, and such, we humans have something to explore. To find out. To learn. Without something to do, humanity is as much of a dead-end as the dodo or the passenger pidgeon." Asuka's voice continued.
"Now that we have become sufficiently advanced, the creator needs to make more mysteries and challenges. Which is why the creator made the eighteen trials of humanity. However, many have either forgotten or simply do not know that the eighteen trials are all part of our own self-making." Ritsuko's voice finished.
"Eighteen trials? The creator? Self-making?! What are you all talking about? Who is the creator? What trials?! And how can you make yourself?! And is Bill Gates really the devil?" Shinji demanded.
"What does Bill Gates have to do this?" Steven Hawking's voice inquired.
"The eighteen trials of humanity are the tests, trials and obstacles to becoming a true human being, rather than a child. When you have passed all eighteen trials, you become the creator and start the world again." Kensuke's voice explained.
"The creator is not easily explained. Sometimes, it is you yourself, Shinji. Sometimes, it is someone else." Kaworu's voice declared.
"In a way, we all make ourselves. Our lives are our own the instant we are born. Parents and guardians protect us until we can protect ourselves. No matter what anyone says or does, your life is your own. You are always in control of your life, even if you are not capable of doing much with it." Touji's voice joined in.
Shinji tried to absorb the information.
"So what are the eighteen trials?" Shinji asked.
"That is something for each person to learn. You must learn these as you go. The answers are never simple to understand, but then again, neither are the questions." came Kaji's voice.
"All people are capable of completing these trials, but they are not capable to bring themselves to realize how easy and yet how complex it is to accomplish each." Rei's voice came.
"This is why you, Shinji, are usually the creator." Kaworu added.
"What?" Shinji asked as the world became blurred, even for a hallucination.
"You are one who can comprehend these trials and pass them before others."
"Learn, Shinji. And know that when you pass the trials, you will have that which you truly desire."
"What I truly desire?"
"What you truly desire."
"Do you know? Do you know? Do you really really know? WARPUYA!"
"Oh, brave hero, she knows it not, but that bastard Akio is just full of snot! WORD!"
"What?"
"Now, go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"
"What are you saying?!"
"Pu! PUU!!"
"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ALL HISTORY! SUPER VEGETA BIG BANG ATTACK!"
"Nice tie, Shinji."
"Thanks, but Shinji's not here, maaaan."
*THUD*
"And now, for something completely different. Rei-chan and Asuka-chan getting it on!"
"WHOO-HOO! Now, _there's_ something I'd pay good money to see!"
"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my head?"
"Hey, I paid for this seat and there ain't no way in hell you can get me out of-DON'T HURT ME!"
"OUT, KAJI!"
"Misato?!"
"No, Hikari, JEEEZ! Who would you expect, schmuck boy?"
"Kaji, Misato, get out of my delusional fantasy before I dream up some rednecks and hillbillies."
"Shinji, you wouldn't!"
"Try me."
"He's got a real perty mouth... huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.. come on, Bubba! Let's make 'em squeal!"
"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!"
With Kaji and Misato running like hell with rednecks and hillbillies following close behind, Shinji turned back to the delusion world.
"So, what do I truly desire?" Shinji inquired.
"What every male wants. To get it on with every female you find attractive."
"Oh. That was easy."
With that philosophical delusion over with, Shinji returned to his quest for the magic matza balls that would empower the Emperor Gundam with Wuv, Twue Wuv. And, he had to find that Time-Travelling Frog! Licking another toad, causing his eyes to dilate once more, Shinji stumbled after Luna, the magically flying rumproast.
Just after he left, Pen-Pen crawled out of a nearby air ventilation shaft and turned to the toad.
"Qwuag?"
"RIIIIIIIIBBIT!"
"Excellent." Pen-Pen answered, while steepling his claws.
"RIIIIIIIIIIBBBIT!"
"What do you mean 'he licked me'?" Pen-Pen inquired.
"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBBBIT! RIBBIT!"
"Hmmmm, that would explain the extension of his madness, but I am still worried. With the Pokemon Project a failure, we only have six more opportunities to do away with humans." Pen-Pen responded, sighing longingly.
"RIIIIIBBIT?"
Pen-Pen blushed, "NO! I will NOT miss beer!"
[Or Misato-chan. Or Shinji-kun. Or even Asoko...Asuko? Asuka? Dave? I can never remember her name. Aaah, all those visits to the penguin exibihit. All those bribes Shinji-chan and Misato-sama gave the janitor to let me at those lovely...] Pen-Pen began thinking, before realizing that the toad was staring. Well, it had always stared, but it seemed to be staring moreso than ever before.
"Shut up! Now, come along. Eva-00 needs to go berserk again!" Pen-Pen declared.
The Animal Liberation Army's secret tactical strike squad continued it's mission.
Somewhere in Terminal Dogma, Kaji and Shigeru were running from a pack of wild dogs. One would notice, if security were the ones referred to as 'one', that wild dogs, not humans, were largely in control of the Dogma. Of course, since security merely consisted of two perverts and Beetle Bailey, there wasn't much in the way of anyone to stop the dogs from roaming where their pleased. Beetle Bailey sure as heck wasn't going to stick his neck out and the two perverts were too busy either downloading internet porn or watching the women's showers and/or locker rooms to do anything about the dogs.
Shinji sighed. His Time-Travelling Frog had been devoured by the frog's natural enemy. The ostrich. At least he had managed to round up Kekko Kamen's sister, El Kabong (aka. Naoko), and Battle Angel Asuka, the cyborg motorballer. He might've taken the Red and Green Rangers (aka. Misato and Ritsuko, respectfully), but they were busy hunting down the core of evil in NERV. So, primarily, SEELE and the Animal Liberation Army (ALA).
So, Luna, the magical spork-derived fungus, was telling them how to travel back in time to prevent the entire series of events. Or at least, she was telling Shinji how to travel back in time. El Kabong and Asuka were staring at what could be construed as a handheld Gameboy with a Sailor Moon game in it, but only if one were even vaguely sane. Asuka kept gunning her engines and taking a few laps around the Dogma while waiting for Shinji to finish. As she was equipped to go 800 MPH, this was a relatively easy task. The number of "99" and her insistance at being nicknamed "The Killing Angel" was easily overseen as she had been reading too many Battle Angel Alita comics recently, and it was all coming back to haunt her.
"Okay, Luna the Immortal Turkey, has decreed that we must lick these Time-Travelling Toads. Be wary, though, as Toads are far less accurate than Frogs and we may wind up having to use the Llamas." Shinji declared, holding up three toads.
El Kabong and Battle Angel Asuka exchanged glances, but complied. Once all their eyes dilated, they vanished into the past.
The Recent Past...
*HONEY FLASH*
"EL KABONG!"
Gendo collapsed.
"We're not far back enough."
"Right."
*LICK*
The Less-Recent Past...
"After all these years..."
"So, at last, they've-*HONEY FLASH*-WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?"
"Uh, forget you ever saw us."
*LICK*
The More-Recent-But-Not-That-Recent Past
"Hmmmm? Hey, some free sugar. Good thing it was behind this trash can and buried behind a thin layer of bricks. Otherwise, rain might've ruined it. This'll make some good cookies."
*HONEY FLASH*
"ACCK-URKGLE!"
*THUD*
"Crap. I think we killed him."
"Uh, quick. We have to get out of here and hope I come back to life!"
"RIGHT!"
*LICK*
And, thanks to the miracle that was Shinji's mind, Shinji was reanimated a few seconds after they left. He looked around frantically for the naked Naoko Akagi, the cyborg Asuka and Tuxedo Shinji, but didn't find them. Deciding that he just had a minor hallucination from too much stress, he went home and made some cookies to ease his mind. And thus, everyone avoided the temporal loop that might've occurred had Shinji and company prevented the ever-so-slightly younger and less-brain-damaged Shinji from making the cookies that allowed them to have the hallucination that allowed them to go back in time in the first place.
===============================================================================================
TharzZzDunN
C-chan
A-kun
with assistance from A-chan, ????? and Huh?
Good night everyone. Here are some explanations. (expect a lot of fun-spoilers)
Jedah is from Dark Stalkers 3. A cool character and certainly more evil and demonic-looking than Demitri, Lillith, Raptor or Morrigan. Jedah dreams to achieving happiness for all while attaining godhood for himself.
In the Battle Angel Alita manga, Alita becomes a motorballer, where killing other motorballers and spectators is allowed. The game revolves around a 40 kilo ball that spins out of control if one doesn't press one of the deactivater buttons inside. You have to hold on to the ball and make it across the finishing line while defending yourself from various attackers.
El Kabong was a Hanna-Barbara horse. And yes, he swung around on ropes or vines and used a guitar (and sometimes a banjo, if memory serves) to subdue bad guys. His 'disguise' was a black mask and a cape. And we think a different hat than what he wore in 'normal' mode. We aren't entirely certain about the last part.
Kekko Kamen is a heroine known to fight bad guys in the buff. Kekko Kamen was in the buff, not the bad guys. And she wasn't totally in the buff, she had a mask, gloves, nunchucks and boots. But that was it. Thus, it would be logical to think that anyone else who wore only only a mask and a cape might be related to her.
Cutey Honey was a heroine who yelled out "Honey Flash" to change outfits. You could see in the buff while she transformed, so it's somewhat logical to think that there might've been someone from the Kekko Kamen project working on the Cutey Honey storylines. Personally, we think the anime is a LOT better than the stupid manga.
Excerpt from the manga: "Look a golden panther!" "She just killed that girl!" "Now, the panther's transforming in an exact duplicate of the girl, except her eyes and hair are gold!" Mind you, this was in a dance club. You'd think someone would've screamed and started a panic to cause everyone to run out of said club. Nope, they just stand there, staring at the dead girl and the transformed panther that killed her. Idiots.
The Animal Liberation Army was invented by us (as far as we know), but anyone is welcome to use it. Just credit us or we'll bust all of your, uh, uh, monitor! Yeah, we'll break your monitor!
Tuxedo Shinji was inspired by, shockingly, Stephen Ratliff's Marissa Picard and her adventures in the holodeck. Tuxedo Wesley was hilarious, so here's a bow to you, Stephen.
Time-Travelling Frogs, Toads and Llamas were inspired by two things: "Swallows" from Monty Python's "Quest for the Holy Grail" and the pan-dimensional mice from Douglas Adam's "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". These two things got us all into a large injoke of Time-Travelling Doves, Pidgeons, Starlets, Swallows and ordinary Star Trek ships. It's expanded here, but obviously less funny now that you don't know what the injoke was like and the fact that we've explained it.
As for the meta-philosophical crap, everything that involved Evangelion MUST have some introspection, so, taking a cue from Jim Lazar, we looked at the last two video tapes and noticed the introspective crap with the kiddy-esque black and white bullcrap. From this, we expanded and tried to get a solid grip on what the hell they were talking about. It failed... we think.
The Super Vegeta Big Bang Attack is courtesy of Dragon Ball Grand Tournament for the Sony Playstation. It was hard to translate, so A-kun just spat it out and well, that's remained the name. If Vegeta doesn't have such an attack, please tell us. It's embarrassing to keep using it while thinking it's canon.
Luna is courtesy of Sailor Moon and is really a black cat. Various cases have popped up when she's become a human, but in the end, she's just a talking cat with mystical powers.
The Meat-Factory scenes were product of C-chan. We have no idea why, but they seem strangely in place.
As for the FFML members who were part of SEELE? Well, it was the entire FFML, of course. Someone can try and declare something, like their opinion, and instantly get bombarded with hundreds of replies, flames, declarations to stay on topic and warnings about threads. Ah, the FFML. Isn't it wretched? BEEEEEDAH! ;p :p :| :) :D ;D :]
MEGA-SPOILER FOR EVANGELION AHEAD FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT HEARD ALL THE RUMORS AND OTHER CRAP FLOATING AROUND THE FFML AND THE INTERNET IN GENERAL.
"What exactly inspired this fanfic?" you may ask. Or you could be asking yourself, "Do they know any sights to some hot Rei and Asuka hentai pics?" To answer the second question, yes.
As for the first question, this is what inspired it: "What if Yui Ikari were reincarnated in Eva-01, just as it hit it's peak power potential?" Well, after hearing that Lillith's mask breaks off in one of the Eva movies to reveal a face underneath, we figured, why not Yui? And it just sorta went into the gutter from there.
We were joking.
===========================
NEON SIGN EVANGELION PART 2
===========================
That's right, we're doing a second one.
And you're damn well going to read!
WARNING: This contains spoilers for those who don't know the REAL story behind the Evangelions.
______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ _____
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Synchronization Ratio 1.0
______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ ______ _____
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As Angel 14, codename Ramiel, was being devoured by Evangelion Unit 01, Misato lost her lunch. The scene of blood was mixed with the vaguely cute way Evangelion 01 was munching on the core and slurping blood out of Ramiel's skull. It should be noted that Ritsuko was picking her nose while everyone was focused on Eva-01, eventually clearing it with a good farmer's blow. Finally, Eva-01 stumbled to it's feet, walked over to a nearby pond and dumped it's armor as if tossing off a robe, causing everyone to gasp as they saw the Evangelion had hair on it's head. Short and purple hair at that. Well, short hair for an Evangelion. It looked vaguely like Maya's hairdo.
Suddenly, they heard a noise. It was familiar and yet, it was a lot louder than it normally was. Everyone was curious as to what the Eva was doing since they couldn't see more than it's head.
More curious than the rest of the group, Misato and Ritsuko began walking towards the Eva, never getting more than it's head into their line of sight. Makoto and Shigeru followed the duo. Maya had fainted, but thankfully for her, everyone else was too busy staring at the Evangelion, so they wouldn't give a damn that she had her thumb to her right nostril and her ring finger to her ear (don't hurt yourselves, people).
As the group of four humans neared the pond, they saw something, but couldn't make out what it was. There seemed to be a lot of it. Finally, as they passed the final tree that blocked their view, they saw what the Evangelion was doing.
"Do you MIND?! I'm taking a bath!" the giant and very naked form of Yui Ikari asked as she shampooed her hair again.
Makoto and Shigeru passed out from blood loss, Ritsuko began drooling uncontrollably and Misato politely offered to scrub Yui's back.
Back at NERV HQ, Fuyutsuki and Gendo stared out at the giant and naked Yui.
"The council isn't going to like this one bit." Fuyutsuki responded.
"Let them whine." Gendo said, drooling a bit before continuing, "I've got what I always wanted."
At the pond, Ritsuko finally looked away from Yui as she heard some screaming. A figure fell to her left. Ritsuko turned and looked down to find Shinji laying face-first in the sand at her feet.
"Shinji, you okay?" Ritsuko asked.
Shinji slowly raised his head and glared up at the blonde scientist, incidentally catching sight of her panties.
"Ritsuko, tell me this: If you had just gone through what I just went through, which was experiencing having my arm blown off, then killing and devouring a 68 ton Angel, then suddenly being teleported fifty feet above ground to land facefirst in sand, would YOU be okay?" Shinji asked.
"I.... guess not." Ritsuko responded, helping the poor fourteen year old up.
"SHINJI!" Yui cried, seeing her son.
She picked her up and cradled him against her giant bosom as Misato continued to wash Yui's back.
"GAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!! Mom, I can't barely breathe!" Shinji cried in a panic and incidentally making less sense than normal.
Yui, hearing Shinji pleas of desperation, leaned forward in the pond and placed Shinji on the opposite side of the pond from Ritsuko, who had just passed out from a nosebleed. Misato continued to wash Yui's back as the giant woman lay propped up by her elbows in the pond. Shinji was Yui's son, so she didn't want him passing out from a nosebleed like everyone else, save Misato, who seemed to be doing just fine while still scrubbing the giant woman's back. However, Misato had somehow changed into a tight-fitting Navy sailor suit and the theme song from "Popeye the Sailor Man" played mysteriously in the background. Misato danced to the song, while continuing to scrub Yui's back.
"Oh, tell me all about yourself. All I know is that it's been _years_ since we last saw each other, sweetie." Yui asked.
"Uh, well..." Shinji began.
The giant woman gestured to the pile of metal next to her as she looked down at the young woman before her.
"You're kidding, right? I've got to put on this tacky outfit?" Yui Ikari, aka. Evangelion Unit 01, demanded.
"Sorry ma'am, but due to the number of nosebleeds that have been occurring around base, we have to have you put SOMETHING on, and this was the only thing we could come up with on such short notice. We should have a better suit made in about a week or so." Maya responded, trying to ignore the giant bosom right in front of her. It seemed like the catwalk got lower every day. Luckily, she already had kleenex stuffed up each nostril, so chances of her passing out were lowered.
"......" Yui fumed, obviously not liking the idea of doning what looked like a giant suit of metal armor that was supposed to look like a suit of armor, but resembled a bunch of cardboard boxes that had been stapled haphazardly together. When she had finally placed all of the "armor" on, she looked expectantly at Maya.
"Now what?" Yui asked.
"Um, well, I, uh, what do you mean?" Maya inquired.
"I meant, what else is there to do? I can't just STAND here all day, every day!" Yui protested.
"I don't know, ma'am. I'll have to run it past Commander Ikari." Maya responded.
"_COMMANDER_?!?! A man who cries when he can't find his favorite boxers in the morning is your COMMANDER?!" Yui asked.
Maya nodded.
Yui burst into laughter.
Gendo looked at his wife, who was sitting in coolant as all the Evas did when they weren't in battle.
"Yui..." Gendo began.
Yui fixed Gendo with a stern look. Gendo nearly balked, but it was better to face Yui now. One thing he had learned with her was that if he tried to avoid an argument or her scolding, she only got madder the next time.
"ShINji tells me-" Gendo began, his voice cracking under the harsh glare of his wife.
"Shinji told me _all_ about it, _GENDO_." Yui responded.
Gendo whimpered and backed down. Yui only used his full name when she was severely angry at him. Proving that Like Son, Like Father, Gendo began muttering to himself, "I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away..." (So, it IS in Shinji's jeans. Oh, and Shinji's genes too.)
"Uh, wELL, you sEE, it was like this..." Gendo began, his voice still cracking. It was worse than when he was going through puberty and his voice kept changing because, back then, it was SUPPOSED to change.
Gendo began the tedious task of trying to convince his wife that what he did was right.
"I'm no good at parenting! I can barely keep the dishes clean! And I have Ritsuko doing-" Gendo began, before realizing that he had to come up with a good excuse as to why Ritsuko would be in his apartment. After all, if Yui ever found out about the wild nights, the cursing, the swearing, the deck of nudey cards, the fact that he had lost his car to Ritsuko, but he won an entire year of her doing his laundry, the giant Yui would probably go on a rampage. After all, Yui had never approved of Gendo's uncontrollable desire to gamble.
"-me a favor and helping me with the laundry." Gendo finished.
"What happened to Naoko?" Yui demanded, glancing around and not seeing her best friend.
"Why, Naoko..." Gendo began. He couldn't tell his wife that he had cheated on her, but if she asked Ritsuko what happened....
"...got killed in a traffic accident. We're cloning her!" Gendo responded, mentally cursing his memory. He had to get blood from before he and Naoko started their affair and hope that was enough to clone her. After all, he didn't want Naoko blackmailing him. Of course, since Naoko had been 32 years old back then, she would wind up only four years older than Ritsuko. Gendo began realizing that trying to get out of trouble with his wife was getting costly and complicated.
"Well, I hope you do a good job, Gendo. She deserves that at least for all the hard work she's done." Yui responded.
"Yes, honey..." Gendo said.
"Don't think you're off the hook. I _still_ want to know why you let my sister raise Shinji. You know she and her husband are completely incompetant when it comes to raising children. Hell, you can't even let them babysit without the child coming out with severe emotional scars." Yui scolded.
"Yes, honey..." Gendo responded.
"My half-cousin Ayame, she was _always_ good at raising children..." Yui mused.
Gendo sat down on the catwalk. Once Yui got rambling, it took a while for her to finish.
Shinji entered his father's office, a tad surprised when he saw his father rubbing his temples as he drew close to his father's desk. Gendo took note of his son's approach and turned to him. Shinji realized it was the first time he had seen his father not wearing his shades.
"Uh, father?" Shinji asked.
"Call me 'dad', Shinji." Gendo advised.
"All right... dad." Shinji responded, confused as he continued, "What did you need me to see me about?"
"Um, I don't suppose you could talk with your mom, could you?" Gendo inquired.
"I guess I could. About what?" Shinji requested.
".....Rei." Gendo answered.
"Yeah, what about Rei?" Shinji asked.
Gendo realized he had never told his son about Rei's true nature. He braced himself, idly wondering how Shinji might take the news, before deciding to tell Shinji the story.
"Well, you see, when your mother died, I was heartbroken. I was irrational and I did quite a few stupid things. One of which resulted in Rei." Gendo began.
"YOU HAD AN AFFAIR?!" Shinji demanded, slamming a fist onto Gendo's desk, startling the Commander and Chief of NERV.
"NO!" Gendo responded, panicking as he desperately tried to get his thoughts in order. After all, Shinji actually getting more hostile than casting a harsh glare was quite disturbing. And Gendo was disturbed enough as it was.
"Oh." Shinji answered.
Shinji relaxed.
"I tried to scrape together some DNA from your mother and create a clone. However, we lacked sufficient samples. According to some research, I found that the DNA we had was too corrupt to make a proper clone as it would lack the ability to pilot Eva, as was her desire before she passed on. So, we had to mix in some Angel DNA that we had, but I feared that the Angel DNA mix take over the cognitive functions of the Yui clone, so I tossed in some other DNA I had laying around." Gendo continued.
"You were juryrigging mom?!" Shinji asked, staring at his father.
"Essentially." Gendo replied.
"......." Shinji pronunciated.
Shinji stared at his father again. He considered leaving, but decided against it. He was learning about Rei, after all, and hearing the full story would help in figuring her out.
"What other DNA did you have 'laying around'?" Shinji inquired.
"mmmmiffftmmmmm." Gendo mumbled.
Shinji blinked. His father MUMBLING?! This was getting serious.
"Who's DNA?" Shinji asked.
"Ritsuko's." Gendo said, staring at the ceiling.
Shinji blinked again. It made sense, all of a sudden. The leering towards Asuka when the fiery redhead was in anything less than a school uniform, the constant swiping of Misato's panties, the offer to take Shinji to the local strip club and leer at the naked ladies, the frequent "backrubs" from Maya... Shinji had been wondering what the hell happened to Rei after the once silent girl had her last check up with Ritsuko. He had inquired to Ritsuko, but all he got from the blonde scientist was that Rei had had her first "special moment" and that she was "becoming a woman". Shinji had tried to get a response about that from Asuka, Misato, Pen-Pen and even Kaji, but all of them had pretty much danced around the subject, never coming within an Evangelion's armslength of the actual answer Shinji was looking for.
"Okay, how do I explain it to mom?" Shinji asked.
"Don't ask me, I just work here." Gendo responded, hitting a button on his desk.
Shinji fell through a hole that appeared in Gendo's floor just beneath his feet. In seconds, he found himself in front of his mother.
"SHINJI!" Yui cried, hurrying over to her son.
Shinji thought about how he was going to explain Rei to his mom when he barely understood himself. He was knocked down by the tidal wave Yui's sudden lunge had caused.
Later, in a meeting, Misato, Ritsuko, Fuyutski, Rei, Asuka, Shinji, Kensuke, Touji and Hikari sat in a conference room.
"Okay, Shinji, you and Hikari are assigned to Eva-05 and Eva-06. I'll leave it to you two to figure out who get's which Eva." Fuyutski.
"I GET EVA 5!" Hikari called before cuddling up to Touji, pilot of Eva-04.
"Okay..." Fuyutski began.
"Um, excuse me, sir, but weren't Kai Ikari and Magus Cyric Davis supposed to pilot those Evas?" Shinji asked.
"Oh, they've been reassigned to a very important duty. Don't worry, you'll see them again, but you probably won't recognize them." Fuyutsuki responded.
Meanwhile, at a very near meat factory...
"Hey, help me shove this avatar's feet into the grinder. It's a tad stuck." one worker said.
"Sure. Ain't it great? These poor bastards'll be bologna in a matter of minutes." the second worker responded.
"Hey, they're already shipping out some bologna already." a third worker commented.
"Well, guess these feet'll be in the next shipment." the first worker declared.
Back at NERV....
"Fresh bologna sandwiches, straight from the factory!" Makoto Hyuga said, entering the conference room pushing a cart. Maya and Shigeru followed behind Makoto.
"MMMMM! I _love_ ones straight from the factory. You can still taste the BLOOD." Touji said, snatching four off of the cart.
"Eeeew, Touji. Don't be gross." Hikari said, taking two for herself.
Everyone save Fuyutsuki and Rei took bologna sandwiches. Fuyutsuki took the chocolate pudding while Rei had the vegetarian sandwich and some chocolate pudding of her own. Little did Rei know that the vegetarian sandwich was an ordinary bologna sandwich with green food dye #168 mixed in just before packaging. However, neither Fuyutsuki nor Rei knew what was REALLY in the chocolate pudding. That's right. Leftover tapioca pudding.
"Nmfo famdmich fom mou?" Misato asked, her mouth full of bologna.
Fuyutski sweatdropped. If she only knew... and yet, she looked adorable with what was probably Kai Ikari's left kidney in her mouth.
"No thanks. I had a big breakfast." Fuyutsuki answered.
"By the way, where's Commander Ikari?" Asuka asked, looking around for the overly dramatic man that lead NERV.
"He's.... busy. Doing very important business." Fuyutsuki answered.
Meanwhile, at a nearby crane machine...
"Come on... come on..." Gendo chanted.
The "Insta-Clone" box that was being held precariously in the crane's grasp was slowly edging over to the drop area when it suddenly dropped for the six hundred and fiftieth time. Cursing, Gendo, pulled out another fifty dollar bill and cursed himself for putting all the _good_ prizes in the $1 per try crane game machine.
But, fifty more tries would probably do the trick. And once he got that box, he could make a clone of Naoko to show Yui. He briefly realized that that would mean he'd have to PAY Naoko to make it seem official to everyone, but decided that being squished like Kaoru had been, would _not_ be even remotely as dramatic or traumatizing to _anyone's_ ego. Least of all, Shinji's.
As he managed to snag another Naga the Great White Hype..er, Serpent doll instead of the Insta-Clone box, he began considering what he was going to tell everyone else about Naoko's sudden reappearance.
"'Listen, dammit, I'm the commander and I'm telling you to all accept this or I'll pop a cap in every ass here'...nah. Not even remotely IC for me. Wait, why the hell would I care about IC or OOC?"
Back at the meeting...
Fuyutsuki addressed everyone, while mentally trying to decide what parts of the two dead avatars were being digested. Mostly intestines and lung, he guessed, not wanting to know the actual truth, which was lips and sphincters...oops, my mistake. Those were in the hot dogs.
"All right, the final piece of business. Once again, we aren't going to be getting nearly enough funding to continue living as we are, so..." Fuyutsuki began.
"You're not going to sell another clone of me at auction, are you?" Rei IIXV inquired.
"Hey, you aren't supposed to be here." Rei II responded.
"F**k you." Rei IV retaliated.
"Yeah, stick it up your a$$." Rei III snorted.
"YOU DIE! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!" Rei I screamed, leaping into the room and bashing the three stray clones over the heads before dragging them off.
Deciding to ignore the errant clones and the fact that timelines between the events were so screwed up that an Episode 3 Asuka was walking past the open door while humming to herself, despite the fact that there _was_ no Episode 3 Asuka, since Asuka didn't show up until, what, the seventh episode or so, the meeting continued, because the comma quota had been used up for the paragraph, which can be anything between 3 to 8 lines if any of us recalls English lessons correctly, even though school sucks and I don't want to remember any of it, and we'll stop rambling now.
"As I was saying, since we, once again, will not be getting enough funding, we have opted to make allowances..." Fuyutsuki began again.
"COOL! What's it at? 1000 yen? 50,000 yen?" Asuka inquired.
"AS I was saying, we have opted to make CHANGES. From now on, to reduce the amount of gasoline wasted by Misato, Ritsuko, Maya, Makoto, Shigeru, myself, Gendo and numerous other employees going home, to the nudie clubs, and coming back, we're now going to be giving you access to bicycles and you'll all be moving into the Geofront." Fuyutsuki finished.
"WHAT?!" seemed to be the dominant demand from everyone. Rei II and Maya asked if there was any more Pocari Sweat in the 'fridge.
"IT'S LOGICAL, PEOPLE!" Fuyutsuki yelled, startling everyone.
Collecting his patience again, Fuyutsuki continued, "In a burst of logic, the script writers actually came up with a realistic idea because, let's face it, we can't afford another incident like the ninth Angel. Also, all Eva pilots are to discontinue going to school."
"It's kinda hard to continue, what with the city destroyed after the destruction of Eva-00 and the 16th Angel. Poor Rei II. Never had a chance...." Rei II said, seemingly forgetting that SHE was the one that she was referring to.
"Yeah, and we all know that if the school had a rat's ass of surviving that explosion, I wouldn't have had the free time to survey the devastation, during which I met Kaworu." Shinji said.
"Who's that?" Touji asked.
"The 17th Angel, also known as Tabris. I killed him by squishing him with Eva-01's hand." Shinji explained.
Kaworu Nagisa burst through the closed door into the room, "Am I real late?"
"Okay, OKAY!" Kihle yelled among the confusion.
SEELE was not taking the temporal mishaps very well. Stranger still, some of the council members remembered only hearing about the 3rd Angel, while others could swear they had sent Evangelion Units 5-13 to Tokyo-3 in order to destroy the base and retrieve Lillith or whatever had been stuck into the basement of NERV HQ. Once Kihle had shouted, everyone else continued to argue. So, Kihle hit the button marked "Obedience". A cacophony of pain-filled yelps followed, along with silence soon afterwards.
"This is what I _think_ is going on. We've got a Plot Loop." Kihle declared.
This started another mini-debate. Kihle wished he hadn't allowed members of the FFML into SEELE. It was getting ridiculous. Kihle hit the button and silence struck again. And no, Sailor Saturn wasn't around. She and Sean had been stuck in a wall of Crystal Tokyo or something like that.
"What can we do about it?" a helpful, yet unnamed, FFML...er, SEELE member inquired.
"We can either attempt to try and figure out what the hell happened, which will result in temporary or even permanent migraines, _or_ we can ignore it and try and continue as normal." Kihle offered.
The debate was on. Kihle struck the button once more...
"Well, um, it's not entirely hideous." Touji offered.
"This thing could scare away Angels at seven miles, Touji." Shinji replied.
Evangelion Units 5 and 6 were not the best looking Evas in the universe. The fact that Eva-06 looked like a giant human wearing red spandex that had black and blue web-like designs on it did not help. Nor did the fact that his Eva had 'webslingers' at the base of each palm.
"SPIDERMAN! SPIDERMAN! RADIOACTIVE SPIDERMAN!" came the song-like taunting.
"Shut _UP_, Rei XVI, or I'll tell Rei II that you're stealing her spotlight." Shinji growled.
Rei XVI fell silent.
"That's better." Shinji replied.
"SPIDERMAN! SPIDERMAN! RADIO-" came more taunting.
"That goes for the rest of you!" Shinji yelled at various members of the FFML, who had somehow gotten direct links into the Evangelion's intercom.
"At least your Eva isn't getting glomped." Touji responded, motioning to the very pink Evangelion Unit 5.
Unlike the other Evangelions, Evangelion Unit 5 was designed like a very feminine mechanical robot. The sort that popped up in games that featured giant mecha fighting in a DOOM or Duke Nuke'em sort of style. Or in Robotech. Or maybe a giant version of Nene's hardsuit (from Bubblegum Crisis). Whichever is more familiar. The pink paint job was demanded by Hikari, who wouldn't want to fight in the gaudy yellow or icky white they had chosen.
"Wai!" Hikari cried happily.
"WARNING! WARNING! ANGEL 1 IS APPROACHING! WARNING! WARNING! DANGER, SHINJI ROBINSON!" Evangelion Unit 6's computer cried, which was echoed by the MAGI.
"Hey, didn't I kill and eat the 14th Angel-OW!" Yui started before a migraine struck.
"Here, mom. Try these." Shinji said, extending some pills to his mother.
"Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different." Yui responded, popping the pills into her mouth, then gulping from a nearby tanker of water. She set the tanker back onto the truck it had been attached to.
"Nonetheless, Angel 1 is approaching. Everyone, prepare to battle it." Naoko remarked, scratching her elbows. The after-effects of the Insta-Clone was that her elbows got really itchy.
"Can we see a visual of it?" Asuka inquired.
Everyone, save Yui, who didn't have any internal mechanism anymore, yelped.
"IT'S-!" Touji began.
"ANUHBUHEEIEL!" came a chorus from the FFML.
"STOP THAT! We've already done that!" scolded another voice from the FFML.
"Ahem, as I was saying... IT'S-!" Touji began again.
"Monty Python's Flying Circus-ess-ess-ess!" came a voice from the FFML.
An electronic boot-to-the-virtual-head later, and Touji tried once more, "IT'S-!"
Touji glared at the FFML members, who stayed silent as they really wanted to know what the hell the first Angel could be.
Touji, Kensuke, Rei XIX, and Asuka were all in hospital beds, all with unusual injuries. Rei II, Rei IIIV, Shinji and Hikari were all fine, but were visiting their sick comrades.
"Wow! That was a difficult battle against ." Touji commented from his hospital bed.
"Shut UP, Touji." came the growl from Rei XIX, who was occupying the bed next to him. She was in the hospital for something that sounded like "accident with a vending machine", but no one could be certain as she mumbled it.
Rei IIIV snorted.
"That's what you get for swiping my Eva, hussy." Rei II told her.
"Amen, sister." Rei IIIV said, taking out a lighter and igniting it before swaying back and forth.
"And I'm taking your stash away." Rei II told the hippie Rei.
"ATTICA! ATTICA!" Rei IIIV said, running a can against some bars before eating some twinkies and falling asleep. While still standing.
"Rei, I think you've gotta get leashes for your clones or _something_. Next thing you know, they'll be Soylent Green or bologna or something." Shinji commented to Rei II.
"Nah, that's what SIs are for." Rei responded.
Meanwhile, at a nearby meat factory....
"GET IN THERE!" a worker yelled.
"NOOOO!!! I'm not a bad SI! I just wanna change story events! Bring real life experiences to the world! WAAAAAAH!" another annoying A-kun clone cried.
"That's what you all say." the worker grunted.
Worker #2 whacked the errant clone over the head with the Clown Hammer and the clone fell backwards into the meat grinding, bone-crushing, cloth-burning machine. He was hot dog meat in minutes.
"Damn! These A-kun clones are getting more and more annoying." Worker #1 commented.
"Maybe we should switch to Kajis. Just flash 'em a picture of Misato's melons and they fall right in." Worker #3 said.
"Yeah, but I like shooting 'em. More satisfying. 'sides, I hate the goofy looks on their faces when they see them melons. Each one thinks they've banged 'er, and that's just not right." Worker #1 commented, pulling a rifle and shooting another Kaji clone that had been trying to get away.
"Wish we had some SI powers to force these morons into the grinders. 'course, then we'd be no better than 'em." Worker #2 murmurred.
"Uugggh..." Worker #4 said.
"What is it?" Workers #1-3 inquired in unison.
"Get ready for some really nasty meat. It's all going to be Grade F meat." Worker #4 noted.
"Uuuhhh, isn't Grade C just barely passing health inspection?" Worker #2 asked nervously.
"Yeah, but all the Grade F is going to Shadowloo, so no biggie." Worker #4 answered.
"Well, what kind is it?" Worker #1 demanded.
"........ Isseis and Oscars. And a few Red Serpents, Gontermans and Hentai Mans to boot." Worker #4 told them.
All four workers shuddered.
"Man, even Shadowloo BARELY desires that!" Worker #3 commented.
"Nothin' we can do, boys. Just hack 'em up, then we'll spray the grinders with sulfiric acid." Worker #4 said.
"Come ON! We've got standards to maintain! We'll need whole new equipment!" Worker #2 said.
Worker #4 considered this and nodded in agreement.
Back at NERV HQ...
"So, basically, we're just not happy little elves."
Kensuke looked at the title. At first glance, 'Deadly Ninja Mecha-Piloting Cyber-Elves from Beyond Mars' LOOKED like a good anime, but he was noting things were lacking. Like the 'Cyber' part. And the 'Ninja' part. And the 'Deadly' part, the 'Mecha-Piloting' part, and especially the 'from Beyond Mars' part. Hell, he was beginning to doubt the 'Elves' part too. Which left him with no title whatsoever. So far, it had just been a sickeningly sweet story about a bunch of people dressed up to look VAGUELY like elves, depending on what book you took the meaning of 'elves' from.
Then, the counter on the VCR neared what the box stated was going to be the last five minutes of the film. So, in three minutes, a gory, violent, no holds barred, stomp-down, beat 'em up, shoot 'em first and spit on 'em later, symbolism-filled, blood-fest filled the screen. Kensuke stared at the screen in horror. Even for an otaku who had watched 'Ultimate Grappler Baki' and 'Fist of the Northstar' without flinching or cringing, this anime was over the top. Then, the credits rolled and he noticed a name. Hideaki Anno. Kensuke nodded in understanding. The man could do great pieces of work, but then he got moody and depressing and eventually, by the end of the series (or video, in some cases), you were ten times more confused than you were when you started the series (or video, again in some cases).
At least this time, the main character (who Kensuke could SWEAR always looked and sounded like Shinji) wasn't 'strangling his chicken' over an unconscious girl (who always looked strangely like Asuka) in a hospital bed. And at least there wasn't an overly bishounen guy pulling a sword from his mother's womb in a gory and overly symbolic scene. Kensuke almost shuddered as memories of 'X/1999 the second movie: Yeah, we're back and you're damn well gonna watch!' flowed through his head. Being a full-fledged otaku, he was made of slightly tougher stuff than your average fanboy or girl.
"Kensuke, if you can't stand that stuff, why watch it?" Shinji asked from the hospital bed next to his.
"Well, for one thing, it's new. Secondly, it wasn't as depressing as 'Peon Menace Maybellion Siren'." Kensuke answered.
"I don't know, Kensuke. I think Hideaki Anno has kinda gone nuts." Touji remarked.
Kensuke backed the video up to the most disturbing image, then turned back to the jock.
"*Kinda gone*?" Kensuke asked.
Touji shuddered violently.
"Okay, he's completely gone." Touji responded.
"I think he may have gone so far that he actually came back. Then left again." Hikari stated.
All six Children nodded in unison, then shuddered in unison. What happened to the other two Reis that were supposed to be in the room? I don't know. I lost track when we got to the Cyber-Elves part. A-kun!
"So, how's your mom?" Hikari asked Shinji.
"Ummmmm...." Shinji began, before glancing out the only window.
Yui Ikari, aka. Evangelion Unit 01, was laying on a giant beach chair while wearing a giant purple bikini. She had on a giant pair of Rayban sunglasses (tm) and a sunhat. She also had a giant generic cola can next to her on a mobile flatbed that was often used to haul Patlabors around.
"Aaaaah... Shinji dear, don't forget to brush your teeth tonight." Yui cried.
Shinji sighed, picked up a bullhorn, then walked over to the window and opened it.
He yelled into the bullhorn, "OKAY, MOM!"
"Shinji, you shouldn't yell at your mom." Hikari scolded.
"But I have to." Shinji answered.
"Why?" Hikari asked.
"What was that, dear? I couldn't hear you." Yui called back.
"That's why." Shinji told Hikari, before shouting his message again. This time, Yui had cupped a hand to her right ear to hear her son better.
Within a week, all of the pilots were back to active duty. Kaworu was pleased with Evangelion 10. Sure, for some reason, synchronizing with it gave him the distinct feeling of a wedgie, but the fact that he now had his own Eva was, to say the least, gratifying. Once they were done with the standard sync tests, the pilots showered and converged in a cafeteria.
"So, if the school's blown up, what are we supposed to do?" Shinji asked.
"Don't worry. I'm sure Ritsuko and Misato are working on that, right now." Maya declared, walking in.
Meanwhile, in Ritsuko's office...
The two women were drooling while they looked over the latest "Peon Menace Maybellion Siren" doujinshi.
"Ooooh, look at THAT!" Misato drooled.
"Ohohohoh, baby...." Ritsuko drooled.
Naturally, they were drooling over the image for different reasons.
"I can't believe this sort of thing is even LEGAL!" Misato declared.
"Are you kidding? It's been legal for all people age 12 and up to get this for years now." Ritsuko responded.
Misato's eyes widened.
"Really?" Misato asked.
"Yeah, really." Ritsuko stated, casting a wary gaze Misato's way.
"Wow. To think..." Misato began, looking at the image of the item that was advertised in the back of the doujinshi, "...a customizable video game that you could alter yourself."
"Just think what you could do with it!" Ritsuko said.
Both women instantly began thinking of different things. Ritsuko, of an orgy with Misato, Maya and whoever else suited her fancy. Misato, of a game where you controlled a chibi-Misato and had her eat and drink beer for hours on end. Naturally, they weren't on the same thought pattern.
Meanwhile, back in the cafeteria...
"I hope so. I'm getting bored." Asuka declared.
"Mmmmmm, Evanjellydonut... hey, the fourth is only partially done." Shinji said, munching on a batch of Evanjellydonuts.
"SHINJI, DON'T EAT THAT!" Rei IVIXVMC cried, just as she fell into a snare trap Rei I had set up in the cafeteria.
Shinji had just finished the fourth partially cooked Evanjellydonut, when he turned to look at Rei II and Asuka. He would've seen Rei IVIXVMC, but Rei IVIXVMC was now being dragged into the ceiling by Rei I.
Suddenly, Rei II and Asuka were butt-naked, their arms and Asuka's hair just barely concealing their naughty bits, as they rode a single clam on sea foam. Touji and Kensuke appeared as tiny cherubs with only a bow and arrow to each and a white sash to cover them up.
"What's the matter, Shinji?" Kensuke-cherub asked.
"Ain'tcha never seen a pair of naked chicks riding a clam before?" Touji-cherub inquired.
"GOTTA GO!" Shinji yelped.
He exited the cafeteria and slammed the double doors behind him. He leaned against them and fell back into the cafeteria as the doors were the sort to allow easy entering and exits. He rolled out of the cafeteria, stood up and flexed a mighty arm before calling out, "OOSHA!"
Blinking as sanity returned to him, Shinji asked himself, "What the hell was that?! Oh, I knew I shouldn't have used that packet of powdered sugar I found in the parking lot to make that batch of cookies!"
Considering what he just said, he added to himself, "And I shouldn't have shared the cookies with everyone."
"OOGA-BOOGA! OOGA-BOOGA!" Shigeru and Ryoji Kaji chanted as they raced past wearing leopard skins and carried spears and clubs larger than Shinji's torso. They seemed to be on a mammoth hunt.
Shinji turned around and glanced into the cafeteria. Touji was making out with the soda fountain. Hikari was exposing her ass and had a lighter in one hand. Kaworu kept chanting, "Ia! Ia Cthulhu F'taugn R'lyeh F'taugn! Ia!" for some reason as glowing images of Big Bird and Elmo from Sesame Street appeared on his forehead.
Asuka was declaring she was able to climb the walls faster than Maya with her lips while Maya was muttering something about how she "loves me spinach. Huh-guh-guh-guh-guuuh.". Rei II was asleep in the most awkward position possible on a chair. Kensuke was hovering while wearing a three-piece business suit and declaring how happy everyone would be when all souls became his. Kensuke was also declaring something about his name being Jedah, Jebus or something like that.
"Hoo-boy. This'll be difficult to fix, won't it, Luna?" Shinji asked.
Luna the black cat nodded, "That's right, Shinji. We have no time to waste. We have to find the Moon Princess and the Moroboshi no Ginzuisho! Come on, Tuxedo Shinji! There's not much time!"
"Right, let's get my Time-Travelling Frog, Cutey Honey and Kekko Kamen. We'll need their help." Tuxedo Shinji responded, swirling dramatically in his cape until he fell on his bottom, as dizzy as someone trying to fill out their year 2001 Tax Forms.
"I'll get the fresh-roasted peanuts. They'll be vital for getting back on time for Pep Squad!" Luna answered.
They leapt down a laundry chute, presumably to find Tuxedo Shinji's time-travelling frog.
"Yare, Yare, Fuyutsuki-chan." Gendo said, wearing purple robes while carrying a bizarre staff that formed a rhombus near the top. A large orb was wedged in the middle of the rhombus.
Fuyutsuki lifted a hand and pointed at Gendo accusingly.
"Mr. Gendo! I will not abide by your evil any longer! I shall smite you with the Hammer of Justice! RA TILT!" Fuyutsuki cried.
Gendo teleported out of the way as blue spiritual energy flowed at the point where he had been standing. Suddenly, Naoko, dressed in only a black opera mask and a cape, hefted a guitar and smashed Gendo over the head, letting loose the battle cry of, "EL KABONG!"
Gendo collapsed. Fuyutsuki leapt up into a nearby ventilation shaft, which was the highest point available, and began giving a Justice speech as Naoko grabbed a vine and swung off to stop more evil doers.
Tuxedo Shinji found himself in a zoo. Grabbing a nearby toad and licking it, his delusions became even more hilarious as his eyes dilated to six times their normal size and his ears shrank. He and Luna leapt off a stairwell and began flying straight down as dogs carrying musketry began firing at gnats near them. Tuxedo Shinji belched a hello to them and then watched as the world around him became the women's public bath.
Suddenly, tuna fish popped out of the water and began chanting in a singsong manner, "Shinji loves Asuka! Shinji love Rei! Shinji loves Asuka! Shinji loves Rei! Shinji wants ta boink all da girls! Word!"
The fish vanished as the cherub-Touji and cherub-Kensuke appeared again, waving their cheeks in his face.
"Shinji, you're hallucinatin' again." cherub-Touji told him.
"Not a good sign." cherub-Kensuke added.
Shinji watched them fly out of the window, then hopped on his magic skateboard and flew Rei to the moon. To let her see what spring was like on Jupiter and that big red ball of rock. They played and frolicked among the stars until Shinji's beer ran out, so he had to scream out, "JUMANJI!"
The world broke apart like a 3rd grade science project ten minutes before the judges made their rounds. Explosively, that is.
Shinji found himself staring in a white void of total darkness and some light. He felt... freedom. Complete and utter freedom. Somehow, it left him feeling hollow and alone.
"What is this?" Shinji asked.
"This is what it is like to be totally free. You can go anywhere in this place you so desire." came a voice. It sounded like Rei's.
"I don't like it. I have nothing to do. Nowhere to go." Shinji answered.
"Then, we'll draw a line." came his father's voice.
Like in a cartoon, a line was drawn, signifying the ground.
"But you have now lost a degree of freedom. You may no longer fly around as you please. You must now walk upon the ground. You may go anywhere on the ground you so desire, but you may no longer do so while flying." came Misato's voice.
"So, what is the point of total freedom, if there's nothing to do and nowhere to go?" Shinji inquired.
"You are learning fast, Shinji. There truly is no point to a world where you have total freedom. This is exactly what the creator of the universe thought when he was making our world." Yui's voice answered.
"However, the creator knew that a simple world would be filled with nothing to do. So, he had to make it complex. By creating mysteries, enigmas, and such, we humans have something to explore. To find out. To learn. Without something to do, humanity is as much of a dead-end as the dodo or the passenger pidgeon." Asuka's voice continued.
"Now that we have become sufficiently advanced, the creator needs to make more mysteries and challenges. Which is why the creator made the eighteen trials of humanity. However, many have either forgotten or simply do not know that the eighteen trials are all part of our own self-making." Ritsuko's voice finished.
"Eighteen trials? The creator? Self-making?! What are you all talking about? Who is the creator? What trials?! And how can you make yourself?! And is Bill Gates really the devil?" Shinji demanded.
"What does Bill Gates have to do this?" Steven Hawking's voice inquired.
"The eighteen trials of humanity are the tests, trials and obstacles to becoming a true human being, rather than a child. When you have passed all eighteen trials, you become the creator and start the world again." Kensuke's voice explained.
"The creator is not easily explained. Sometimes, it is you yourself, Shinji. Sometimes, it is someone else." Kaworu's voice declared.
"In a way, we all make ourselves. Our lives are our own the instant we are born. Parents and guardians protect us until we can protect ourselves. No matter what anyone says or does, your life is your own. You are always in control of your life, even if you are not capable of doing much with it." Touji's voice joined in.
Shinji tried to absorb the information.
"So what are the eighteen trials?" Shinji asked.
"That is something for each person to learn. You must learn these as you go. The answers are never simple to understand, but then again, neither are the questions." came Kaji's voice.
"All people are capable of completing these trials, but they are not capable to bring themselves to realize how easy and yet how complex it is to accomplish each." Rei's voice came.
"This is why you, Shinji, are usually the creator." Kaworu added.
"What?" Shinji asked as the world became blurred, even for a hallucination.
"You are one who can comprehend these trials and pass them before others."
"Learn, Shinji. And know that when you pass the trials, you will have that which you truly desire."
"What I truly desire?"
"What you truly desire."
"Do you know? Do you know? Do you really really know? WARPUYA!"
"Oh, brave hero, she knows it not, but that bastard Akio is just full of snot! WORD!"
"What?"
"Now, go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"
"What are you saying?!"
"Pu! PUU!!"
"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ALL HISTORY! SUPER VEGETA BIG BANG ATTACK!"
"Nice tie, Shinji."
"Thanks, but Shinji's not here, maaaan."
*THUD*
"And now, for something completely different. Rei-chan and Asuka-chan getting it on!"
"WHOO-HOO! Now, _there's_ something I'd pay good money to see!"
"Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my head?"
"Hey, I paid for this seat and there ain't no way in hell you can get me out of-DON'T HURT ME!"
"OUT, KAJI!"
"Misato?!"
"No, Hikari, JEEEZ! Who would you expect, schmuck boy?"
"Kaji, Misato, get out of my delusional fantasy before I dream up some rednecks and hillbillies."
"Shinji, you wouldn't!"
"Try me."
"He's got a real perty mouth... huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.. come on, Bubba! Let's make 'em squeal!"
"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!"
With Kaji and Misato running like hell with rednecks and hillbillies following close behind, Shinji turned back to the delusion world.
"So, what do I truly desire?" Shinji inquired.
"What every male wants. To get it on with every female you find attractive."
"Oh. That was easy."
With that philosophical delusion over with, Shinji returned to his quest for the magic matza balls that would empower the Emperor Gundam with Wuv, Twue Wuv. And, he had to find that Time-Travelling Frog! Licking another toad, causing his eyes to dilate once more, Shinji stumbled after Luna, the magically flying rumproast.
Just after he left, Pen-Pen crawled out of a nearby air ventilation shaft and turned to the toad.
"Qwuag?"
"RIIIIIIIIBBIT!"
"Excellent." Pen-Pen answered, while steepling his claws.
"RIIIIIIIIIIBBBIT!"
"What do you mean 'he licked me'?" Pen-Pen inquired.
"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBBBIT! RIBBIT!"
"Hmmmm, that would explain the extension of his madness, but I am still worried. With the Pokemon Project a failure, we only have six more opportunities to do away with humans." Pen-Pen responded, sighing longingly.
"RIIIIIBBIT?"
Pen-Pen blushed, "NO! I will NOT miss beer!"
[Or Misato-chan. Or Shinji-kun. Or even Asoko...Asuko? Asuka? Dave? I can never remember her name. Aaah, all those visits to the penguin exibihit. All those bribes Shinji-chan and Misato-sama gave the janitor to let me at those lovely...] Pen-Pen began thinking, before realizing that the toad was staring. Well, it had always stared, but it seemed to be staring moreso than ever before.
"Shut up! Now, come along. Eva-00 needs to go berserk again!" Pen-Pen declared.
The Animal Liberation Army's secret tactical strike squad continued it's mission.
Somewhere in Terminal Dogma, Kaji and Shigeru were running from a pack of wild dogs. One would notice, if security were the ones referred to as 'one', that wild dogs, not humans, were largely in control of the Dogma. Of course, since security merely consisted of two perverts and Beetle Bailey, there wasn't much in the way of anyone to stop the dogs from roaming where their pleased. Beetle Bailey sure as heck wasn't going to stick his neck out and the two perverts were too busy either downloading internet porn or watching the women's showers and/or locker rooms to do anything about the dogs.
Shinji sighed. His Time-Travelling Frog had been devoured by the frog's natural enemy. The ostrich. At least he had managed to round up Kekko Kamen's sister, El Kabong (aka. Naoko), and Battle Angel Asuka, the cyborg motorballer. He might've taken the Red and Green Rangers (aka. Misato and Ritsuko, respectfully), but they were busy hunting down the core of evil in NERV. So, primarily, SEELE and the Animal Liberation Army (ALA).
So, Luna, the magical spork-derived fungus, was telling them how to travel back in time to prevent the entire series of events. Or at least, she was telling Shinji how to travel back in time. El Kabong and Asuka were staring at what could be construed as a handheld Gameboy with a Sailor Moon game in it, but only if one were even vaguely sane. Asuka kept gunning her engines and taking a few laps around the Dogma while waiting for Shinji to finish. As she was equipped to go 800 MPH, this was a relatively easy task. The number of "99" and her insistance at being nicknamed "The Killing Angel" was easily overseen as she had been reading too many Battle Angel Alita comics recently, and it was all coming back to haunt her.
"Okay, Luna the Immortal Turkey, has decreed that we must lick these Time-Travelling Toads. Be wary, though, as Toads are far less accurate than Frogs and we may wind up having to use the Llamas." Shinji declared, holding up three toads.
El Kabong and Battle Angel Asuka exchanged glances, but complied. Once all their eyes dilated, they vanished into the past.
The Recent Past...
*HONEY FLASH*
"EL KABONG!"
Gendo collapsed.
"We're not far back enough."
"Right."
*LICK*
The Less-Recent Past...
"After all these years..."
"So, at last, they've-*HONEY FLASH*-WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?"
"Uh, forget you ever saw us."
*LICK*
The More-Recent-But-Not-That-Recent Past
"Hmmmm? Hey, some free sugar. Good thing it was behind this trash can and buried behind a thin layer of bricks. Otherwise, rain might've ruined it. This'll make some good cookies."
*HONEY FLASH*
"ACCK-URKGLE!"
*THUD*
"Crap. I think we killed him."
"Uh, quick. We have to get out of here and hope I come back to life!"
"RIGHT!"
*LICK*
And, thanks to the miracle that was Shinji's mind, Shinji was reanimated a few seconds after they left. He looked around frantically for the naked Naoko Akagi, the cyborg Asuka and Tuxedo Shinji, but didn't find them. Deciding that he just had a minor hallucination from too much stress, he went home and made some cookies to ease his mind. And thus, everyone avoided the temporal loop that might've occurred had Shinji and company prevented the ever-so-slightly younger and less-brain-damaged Shinji from making the cookies that allowed them to have the hallucination that allowed them to go back in time in the first place.
===============================================================================================
TharzZzDunN
C-chan
A-kun
with assistance from A-chan, ????? and Huh?
Good night everyone. Here are some explanations. (expect a lot of fun-spoilers)
Jedah is from Dark Stalkers 3. A cool character and certainly more evil and demonic-looking than Demitri, Lillith, Raptor or Morrigan. Jedah dreams to achieving happiness for all while attaining godhood for himself.
In the Battle Angel Alita manga, Alita becomes a motorballer, where killing other motorballers and spectators is allowed. The game revolves around a 40 kilo ball that spins out of control if one doesn't press one of the deactivater buttons inside. You have to hold on to the ball and make it across the finishing line while defending yourself from various attackers.
El Kabong was a Hanna-Barbara horse. And yes, he swung around on ropes or vines and used a guitar (and sometimes a banjo, if memory serves) to subdue bad guys. His 'disguise' was a black mask and a cape. And we think a different hat than what he wore in 'normal' mode. We aren't entirely certain about the last part.
Kekko Kamen is a heroine known to fight bad guys in the buff. Kekko Kamen was in the buff, not the bad guys. And she wasn't totally in the buff, she had a mask, gloves, nunchucks and boots. But that was it. Thus, it would be logical to think that anyone else who wore only only a mask and a cape might be related to her.
Cutey Honey was a heroine who yelled out "Honey Flash" to change outfits. You could see in the buff while she transformed, so it's somewhat logical to think that there might've been someone from the Kekko Kamen project working on the Cutey Honey storylines. Personally, we think the anime is a LOT better than the stupid manga.
Excerpt from the manga: "Look a golden panther!" "She just killed that girl!" "Now, the panther's transforming in an exact duplicate of the girl, except her eyes and hair are gold!" Mind you, this was in a dance club. You'd think someone would've screamed and started a panic to cause everyone to run out of said club. Nope, they just stand there, staring at the dead girl and the transformed panther that killed her. Idiots.
The Animal Liberation Army was invented by us (as far as we know), but anyone is welcome to use it. Just credit us or we'll bust all of your, uh, uh, monitor! Yeah, we'll break your monitor!
Tuxedo Shinji was inspired by, shockingly, Stephen Ratliff's Marissa Picard and her adventures in the holodeck. Tuxedo Wesley was hilarious, so here's a bow to you, Stephen.
Time-Travelling Frogs, Toads and Llamas were inspired by two things: "Swallows" from Monty Python's "Quest for the Holy Grail" and the pan-dimensional mice from Douglas Adam's "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". These two things got us all into a large injoke of Time-Travelling Doves, Pidgeons, Starlets, Swallows and ordinary Star Trek ships. It's expanded here, but obviously less funny now that you don't know what the injoke was like and the fact that we've explained it.
As for the meta-philosophical crap, everything that involved Evangelion MUST have some introspection, so, taking a cue from Jim Lazar, we looked at the last two video tapes and noticed the introspective crap with the kiddy-esque black and white bullcrap. From this, we expanded and tried to get a solid grip on what the hell they were talking about. It failed... we think.
The Super Vegeta Big Bang Attack is courtesy of Dragon Ball Grand Tournament for the Sony Playstation. It was hard to translate, so A-kun just spat it out and well, that's remained the name. If Vegeta doesn't have such an attack, please tell us. It's embarrassing to keep using it while thinking it's canon.
Luna is courtesy of Sailor Moon and is really a black cat. Various cases have popped up when she's become a human, but in the end, she's just a talking cat with mystical powers.
The Meat-Factory scenes were product of C-chan. We have no idea why, but they seem strangely in place.
As for the FFML members who were part of SEELE? Well, it was the entire FFML, of course. Someone can try and declare something, like their opinion, and instantly get bombarded with hundreds of replies, flames, declarations to stay on topic and warnings about threads. Ah, the FFML. Isn't it wretched? BEEEEEDAH! ;p :p :| :) :D ;D :]
MEGA-SPOILER FOR EVANGELION AHEAD FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT HEARD ALL THE RUMORS AND OTHER CRAP FLOATING AROUND THE FFML AND THE INTERNET IN GENERAL.
"What exactly inspired this fanfic?" you may ask. Or you could be asking yourself, "Do they know any sights to some hot Rei and Asuka hentai pics?" To answer the second question, yes.
As for the first question, this is what inspired it: "What if Yui Ikari were reincarnated in Eva-01, just as it hit it's peak power potential?" Well, after hearing that Lillith's mask breaks off in one of the Eva movies to reveal a face underneath, we figured, why not Yui? And it just sorta went into the gutter from there.