NEON
SIGN
EVANGELION
3
ISN'T
THIS
A REALLY
LONG
TITLE SEQUENCE?
===============
Subtitle: Eh, crap we tossed together that was kinda funny.
===============
Gendo awoke with his head shoved into the glove compartment of his car. He had been drooling heavily, he noted to himself as he wiped his face off, but he couldn't remember what the heck had happened after Fuyutsuki's declaration of war upon his chili dog.
"Uggggghhhhh.." Gendo moaned, standing up right and finding himself with the same amount of coordination as a weak-kneed landlubber on a ship that was rocking violently. Not to mention his vision was messed up, even with his glasses on.
He eventually made his way to Central Dogma's command center, where he sat down and put a conveniently placed ice-pack onto his head. He fell asleep shortly afterwards. While he was asleep, Pen-Pen and the toad, which we'll called "the toad", snuck into the command center. The toad started hacking Melchior while Pen-Pen hit the 'lower walkways' button. Both laughed manically... well, they would have if they weren't afraid of Gendo waking up.
"RIIIIIIBBIIIIIIIT! RIIIIIIIBBIIIIT!" the toad called.
"Excellent. Now Melchior has Windows '95, Belthasar has Linux, and Caspar has Mac OS2 Warp 5! With all of the MAGI unable to talk to each other, they'll go MAAAAD! MAAAAD, I TELL YOU, MAAAAD!" Pen-Pen laughed.
"RIIIIIBBIIIIIT!" the toad said.
"What? They've got a copy of Penguin Raider? Hmmmm, save me a copy, won't you. If Lara Qwuag is as sexy as that gaming magazine said she was, I'll be in heaven!" Pen-Pen responded.
The toad stared at Pen-Pen.
"GET TO WORK! I've got to set it up so that Eva-00 goes berserk at least once this fanfic." Pen-Pen said.
Hey, how did he know he was in a fanfic? What the- AAAAAAHHHH! HE'S HACKING MY COMPUT-People of Earth. Surrender 1 million fish to me, Dr. Qwuag, or it's lights out for your aquariums! QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG!
"GIVE IT UP, YOU EVIL MONSTER!"
STOP COUNTER-HACKING!
"NEVER!"
EERRRGH!
*POP*
Ah, on with our normally scheduled 'fic.
Waking up two hours later, Gendo found Fuyutsuki wearing a Wilderness Girl's uniform in a nearby locker room.
"I can't believe that I sighed up for the Wilderness Girls. I also can't believe they accepted me." Fuyutsuki noted.
"That's nothing. I got a dirty word shaved in the back of my head." Gendo told Fuyutsuki.
Naoko walked by, saw the word and gasped.
"What is it with you men and THAT WORD? I'm going to shave you bald, Gendo, until you learn that hair is a privilege, not a right!" Naoko declared, catching Gendo in a headlock and dragging him off.
"Shinji... Shinji..." came the call over the com-link.
"Mut isaaa?" Shinji asked unintelligibly.
"I don't think that controller for the Eva looks too appetizing." Yui responded.
Shinji opened his eyes to see that he had been gnawing on the right hand controller for the Evangelion.
"WARNING, WARNING, ANGELS 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23 ARE APPROACHING!"
"_What_?" Shinji demanded.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, Misato awoke to the sensation of having someone licking and sucking at the back of her neck. Back in the days of her and Kaji, this wasn't too unusual, as he was the kind of guy to do that sort of thing.
However, hearing Ritsuko mumble, "Maya, Misato'll feel let out.", wasn't that encouraging. Especially when Ritsuko began licking her neck again.
"Uh, Ritsuko..." Misato inquired.
Ritsuko slowly opened her eyes, then pulled away.
"Uh, sorry about that." Ritsuko answered, blushing deeply.
"No problem..." Misato said, taking a convenient towel and wiping the back of her neck.
Then, both women felt something in their right hands. They looked down to see two silver metal bracelet-esque items with gold coins inset in them.
"A Tyrannosaurus Rex?" Misato asked, her left eye twitching.
"A Dragon?" Ritsuko asked.
Vague memories popped up from their early childhoods and both women nearly fainted.
"Power..." Ritsuko began.
"Rangers..." Misato finished.
Just then, they noticed that they each now had a silver watch. Misato's had a red 'face' while Ritsuko's was green. Both women nearly leapt out of their skins when the watched beeped in a sequence: Deet-deet-deetdeet-deet-deet.
Misato pressed a button and inquired, "Hello?"
"Rangers, there's a disturbance downtown! And by the way, you just miss-set your watch." came the voice of a man stuck in a transdimensional prison that could project a bloated face in a giant vat.
"Um, okay..." Misato responded.
There was silence for a few seconds.
"Rangers, get morphing or I'll come out there and kick your asses."
More silence.
"RANGERS!"
"Oh, right, hold on."
"TYRANNOSAURUS!"
"DRAGONZORD!"
"My god..."
"I never thought..."
"They seemed like such nice boys..."
"BACKSTREET'S BACK! ALL RIGHT!" the new Angels sang.
"Sometimes, I hate my life." Kaworu whimpered.
"RAAAAAGH!" the Backstreet Boys yelled, trashing another block as they stumbled through the streets.
"Guys, being huge sucks." one member noted.
"But, dude, we could probably play Australia in one night." another decreed.
"I GET TO MAKE OUT WITH THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA BILLBOARD!" yet another yelled, leaping over the others to get to the billboard.
"Let's get 'em!" Touji roared, leaping forward, only to trip over his power cord.
Hikari and Kaworu imitated Touji.
"What's going on? We could pilot these just fine last episode!" Touji growled.
"It's a requirement. Every pilot's first battle needs to be an embarrassing one." Kaworu explained.
"And since our last battle was censored..." Hikari added.
"Okay, okay, let's just kick some ass." Touji growled.
As it turned out, the Backstreet Boys sucked at fighting, so the Evas tore them to bloody shreds rather quickly. Too bad, too, because Ritsuko had just finished getting the hang of the Dragonzord's controls, as the evidence of seventeen demolished Starbucks proved.
Sixteen weeks of inactivity later...
Shinji reclined in a comfy chair in the new Pilot's Lounge, munching on a Backstreet burger. He didn't know it was Angel meat. If he had, he would've been hurling, but he wasn't hurling, so he didn't know.
"When am I going to get laid?" Shinji asked aloud.
"About two episodes before I do, that's for sure." Touji declared, sitting next to Shinji.
"......" Shinji responded.
"But, hey, who knows?" Kaworu noted, popping some Angel-flavored Poptarts into the toaster.
"Well, one thing's for sure, I don't have to worry about any stupid crossovers." Shinji declared.
But, he was wrong. Very wrong.
"Hey, this isn't the right time either!" Trunks growled as he entered the Pilot's Lounge.
"..................." all three male pilots responded.
Trunks left the room, mumbling something about a stupid time-travelling device and how he was going to shove it up someone's something when he got back.
"Things can't get any stranger than that." Touji declared.
Touji, like Shinji, was very, very wrong.
"Shinji, do these spandex outfits make our butts look big?" Misato asked, entering with Ritsuko.
Both women turned and bent over to let Shinji get a good look. Touji fainted as the sight of Misato's butt under tight spandex was too much for him. Kaworu gasped and averted his eyes. Shinji thought about it.
"Nah. They look normal." Shinji responded honestly.
Hey, after living with Misato for three months, Shinji had gotten over most of his problems with blushing. Both women returned to their normal upright position and turned to face Shinji.
"How about the chests? I think this gold thingy is making my breasts look small." Ritsuko noted, poking the Dragon Armor that came with the Green Ranger powers.
"The gold _is_ making 'em look smaller, but you still look kinda sexy." Shinji responded.
"Thanks, Shinji." Ritsuko and Misato told Shinji.
Misato kissed Shinji on the cheek and the Mighty duo left.
"I just don't get it. Am I just not seeing the signals? Maybe I should be direct..." Shinji murmurred to himself.
Kaworu munched on his poptarts as Touji remained unconscious.
"Hey, why were Misato and Ritsuko dressed up as the Power Rangers?" Kaworu asked in a burst of realization.
"Good question." Shinji responded.
Silence filled the room. Then Sailor Saturn left, no longer feeling the need to make Silence fill the room.
"So, do you have any ideas as to why they were dressed as the Power Rangers?" Kaworu asked, glaring at Sailor Saturn as she left.
"No, I was just noting that it was a good question." Shinji responded.
Misato and Ritsuko were both deep in thought as they walked down the hall. Misato was calculating how much beer was left at home and how much more she could afford to buy. Ritsuko was trying to figure out the point of being Power Rangers in a world where Evas could pretty much demolish most of the enemies. They headed for the elevators. The elevator dinged. Ritsuko and Misato stared at it intently. There was an obvious thump of someone kicking the doors. Finally, two sets of burly hands, a claw, a pseudopod and a tree stump pulled the elevator open to reveal Maya inside the elevator. Ritsuko and Misato looked for the owners of the burly hands and the other crap, but couldn't find them anywhere in the elevator.
"Sempai, I need you to-HOTCHA!" Maya declared as Ritsuko and Misato began walking into the elevator.
The doors closed as two women in spandex began to yell and thrash while another woman cackled in delight and glomped at will. Somewhere, deep in the Earth, near a lava flow, Happosai smiled, then shrieked as the cavern he was stuck in was filling with magma. And on that note, we would like to note that somewhere, somehow, in someway, a clown farted, just for Happosai.
Yui was finally getting something to do. She was currently typing on the world's largest computer. Yui had threatened to go on strike and thus was rewarded with an incredibly good system. With a joystick, a T8 line, the world's best modem, a mouse with a Pikachu mousepad, and a year of free Netscape. She was busy typing away in a chat room. Let's look in, shall we?
===============================================================================================
Heeayh, I wana fid out aout the lattest Juggle de Ikoo.
Is doo latter hi eyar!
*WAHP*
Waht dahe hell is you riting?!
Anyone here from Texas?
No.
No.
Maybe.
No.
No.
No.
Do I look sexy?
No.
No.
No.
Yes.
***Cockalawalk's connection has been reset by Peer***
Mabe.
Dam Pier.
When's tis vdeo cumming out?
I do believe that it is due out sometime in June. About the seventeenth or so, my dear.
Okya, Tanks!
Am I the only one who can spell in here?
No.
Maybee.
Noo.
Nyott.
***Big Yui has left the chatroom***
===============================================================================================
"Hmm, Fuyutsuki, I think I'll run a fire drill to see how everyone would react. NERV base 2 in Nevada had a time of eight and a half minutes." Gendo commented.
"Uhhhhh... okay..." Fuyutsuki said.
Fuyutsuki turned to Gendo before adding, "But why?"
"It's a lame plot device. Let's just get it done with." Gendo responded.
"Right." Fuyutsuki said.
Gendo grabbed a watch and headed outside with Fuyutsuki in tow.
As the alarm blared, Rei ran up the frozen escalator, through the security door before grabbing a log and slamming it down in front of the door. She spun around and faced Gendo and Fuyutsuki, her face red from exhaustion.
"I......won, sir......." Rei puffed out.
"I know, Rei." Gendo muttered, rolling his eyes.
Suddenly, Shinji and Asuka kicked the screen door next to the security door down, knocking the log over.
"WE AIN'T GONNA LET YOU HAVE THOSE POKEMON CARDS!!!" Shinji and Asuka cried in unison, tackling Rei.
"Fuyutsuki, I'll have to call this a failure." Gendo said, fixing his glasses *CLACK*.
"Wait a minute, why would there be Pokemon Cards?" Fuyutsuki asked.
"Well, the only alarms for the base are the Fire Alarm, the Angel Alarm and the Pokemon Card Alarm." Gendo answered.
"So, what you're telling me is... that there aren't any new Pokemon cards?" Shinji asked.
"No." Fuyutsuki responded.
"Then why hit the Alarm for it?" Shinji asked, motioning to the yellow Pokemon Card Alarm lights.
Fuyutsuki turned to Gendo, arching an eyebrow.
"It's the only other alarm that activates all over the Dogma and I didn't want to give a false Angel Alarm." Gendo responded.
"The Fire Alarm doesn't activate all over the Dogma?" Fuyutsuki asked.
"The corridors can seal off and either the Halon sprayers or the flame retardent foam usually takes care of it." Gendo answered as Misato, Ritsuko, Kaworu and Touji finally made it to the doors.
"Ah." Fuyutsuki answered, before shouting, "THEN WHY WOULD WE NEED TO RUN A FIRE DRILL!?"
"GENDO!!!!" Yui roared, bursting out of the cages and through the Dogma walls to the Geofront.
"Yes, dear?" Gendo asked.
"Never trigger a false alarm ever again! It teaches Shinji bad manners." Yui growled, before turning to Shinji and taking up a more loving tone, "Shinji, remember to never follow your father's lead unless I tell you to, okay sweety?"
Yui walked back into the Dogma and continued typing away at her new computer. It was about then that the Angel Alarms went off.
"It's Angel 6 again! It's attacking the combined U.S. and U.N. Fleet!" Makoto called.
"But they aren't of any value." Fuyutsuki noted.
"Either way, let's go! We can try out the new Type Aqua armor." Gendo declared.
"Aqua? That's a stupid name." Kaworu stated.
"Shut up or it's the Type D Plugsuit for you." Gendo hissed as they enter the Dogma again.
"I DON'T WANNA LOOK FAT!!" Kaworu cried, before taking up a feminine pose, "I've gotta keep my sexy waist and luscious thighs in shape, right Shin-chan?"
With that said, Kaworu cuddled up to Shinji. Shinji pulled an AK-47 out of a convenient 'Remove from wall in case of SEELE members' bin off the wall and shot Kaworu full of holes, killing the 17th Angel once again. Shinji then tossed it into a special waste dispenser for guns that were empty of all ammo.
"Who'll be the pilot of Evangelion Unit 10?" Asuka asked.
"Get Kensuke." Touji declared.
"Not that nerd! He's the one person who should be banned from piloting an Eva." Asuka said.
"Hey, do you know how often writers jump over Kensuke and tag either me or Hikari as the Fourth Child? It's disgusting." Touji shot back.
"Fine, let nerd-boy pilot." Asuka surrendered.
"Let's get a visual of the sixth Angel." Misato demanded.
"It seems to be attacking a single aircraft carrier. The U.S.S. Pottery Barn." Shigeru explained, bringing up a visual as the pilots headed to suit up.
"Hey, isn't that the ship Kaji's hiding on this week?" Misato mused.
"I think so." Ritsuko responded.
"Good." Misato noted, smiling evilly.
"The Pottery Barn's sinking. Now it's going back up? Now it's sinking, going back up, sink, up, sink, up, down, up, down, -OH MY GAWDESS!" Maya shrieked as she and everyone else in the command center realized what the Angel was doing. The Horizontal Mambo; the Vertical Thrust; the Dance of the Purple-Helmeted Samurai and the Jade Gate; the Plunging of the Lance into the Flower; the Electric Slide that Doesn't Go Anywhere; Snowballing Surprise; the Ultimate Thrust; the Saga Frontier; the Oldest Marital Art; the Ballad of the Banshee and the Vibrator; the Washing Machine Express, the Bowflex, the Parrot and the Funky Beat; the Upright Citizens Brigade, the Bill Gates; Shagging the Oyster; Snogging the Right Fielder; the Stock Market; or, in plain english, Hiding the Snake; Riding the Exercise Bike; Practicing Squat Thrusts; Rowing the Boat; the Stapler Impression; The 'Going By The Standard Postal System'; the Light Switch; the Plumber; the Hot Dog Vendor; the Bastard Royale; the Telephone; the Gossiper with a Bad Memory and an Overly Active Imagination; the Chain of Command; the-
"WE GET IT, SHEEESH!" Misato yelled at the writers.
Narrator: What will happen next?! [Caption: Fighting the Deadly Angel of Goldfish!] Will we see the girls in skimpy outfits?! [Caption: Probably not.] Will Shinji even want to come back the way his love life is going?! [Caption: Hey, we promised he'd get boinked.] And will Goku triumph?! [Caption: Who?] Or will Raditz steal Shingo's one true love, Iori?! [Caption: Huh?]
"Who said that?" Maya asked.
"What the hell was he babbling about?" Makoto asked.
"What is the narrator for Martian Successor Nadesico doing here?" Ruri asked, having replaced Shigeru when no one was looking.
Everyone turned to look at the twelve year old blue-hair albino girl allowing Minato to knock Makoto out cold and replace him. Then, the rest of the NERV staff noticed the large-chested pilot.
"Time to lift off." Minato noted, hitting a button that was shaped like Misato's melons.
With that, the NERVesico turned towards the sky and launched out of the ground, surprising everyone, including the writers. It should be noted that A-kun did bounce.
"Wheee!" Minato declared.
"THIS PLACE CAN FLY?!" Gendo asked.
"News to me!" Fuyutsuki shouted as what used to be the Dogma became an enormous spacecraft and took up a low atomospheric orbit over Earth. (Anime Law of Physics: Anything is aerodynamic enough to fly. Anything.)
Remember the mothership from ID4? If you don't, just think of something about a third of the size of the moon that looks like a broken off doorhandle. That's about what the NERVesico looked like.
"That's nice, Minato, but how the hell are we supposed to deploy the Evas? They're ground-based units." Ruri declared.
"Oh, don't worry about that, Ruri-Ruri, I've got it all under control." Minato responded, hitting another button (this one looked like Gendo wearing a lamp shade on his head), to activate the transformation sequence as the Children ran in, plug-suited up and wondering why Ruri and Minato were onboard.
Suddenly, the NERVesico transformed into an enormous replica of the SDF-1. When we say enormous, we mean it's actually 24 to 16 scale. However, the transformation cut out the engines long enough for the NERVesico to land feet-first in the Pacific ocean, roughly six miles from the U.N. fleet, which caused some large waves to overtake the vessels, but they had already been suffering under the waves of the 6th Angel's "assault". When it was all said and done, the NERVesico was only knee-deep in the ocean and no ships had capsized....yet. Well, the U.S.S. Nakago did, but we don't care. Nakago sucks.
"The Angel is only six miles away. Normally, I'd say the distance in kilometers, but writers use that other system of measuring because Americans can define miles relatively easily while kilometers just sounds stupid. Idiots." Ruri declared.
"Um, what's our game plan?" Ritsuko asked.
Without prior warning, a giant glowing vat appeared behind Gendo. What color was the vat, you may ask? Monkey Pee Blue.
"I've got a plan..." a disembodied and bloated head declared.
Zordon was in the house. Everyone turned to look at the head. Everyone screamed bloody murder and either fell out of their seats, leapt back or, in Gendo's case, both, which sent the Director of Nerv plummeting to the floor just below with a loud, "WAAAAHH-AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!" *KATHUD*.
"He is butt-ugly." Naoko noted.
"Clone." Zordon shot back.
Naoko burst into tears.
"STOP INSULTING MY MOTHER!" Ritsuko growled.
"Fine, look, I've got an idea, wanna hear?" Zordon asked.
The entire staff shrugged, causing Zordon to facefault.
"Evangelion Unit 01, 02 and 06 will head out in the Type Aqua armor. The Dragon Zord will also head out, but it will not require Type Aqua armor. The remaining Evangelion Unit will wait on deck with either nets or spears in the event that the Evas send it in this direction." Zordon explained.
============Since the original version is, despite being infinitely funnier, lost to cyberspace, here's some crap we tossed in============
"Here's your copy of the Netscape Kooky Commie-Quiz, Rei. That'll be three dollars for in-building service." Shinji said.
Rei handed him three dollars.
"Hey! This isn't real money. It's printed by the Hokkaido Militia." Shinji complained.
"It'll be real soon enough." Rei hostilely shot back.
She looked at the cover and read it aloud, "Are you an excellent clone? Yes. Are you a paragon of virtue, sexiness and worshipped by millions of fanboys and fangirls? Yes. Whoo-hoo. 2 for 2."
"Uh, Rei, you know you're supposed to open it and take the quizzes inside." Shinji said.
"Yes, the Quiz Mistress. That'll amuse me briefly." Rei responded.
Shinji blinked.
"Uh, Rei, we missed a line of dialogue there." Shinji pointed out.
"What I think you need is a great big glass of 'Shut up' juice." Rei shot back.
As Ritsuko sniffed and cleaned her glasses, Rei totalled her score.
"So, you got 67 out a 100. That makes you... a frigid frita. I took thirty points off for all that laughing you did." Rei responded.
"It's a little cruel giving me a clone test while tickling me mercilessly. I'm only on my first one." Ritsuko responded.
"What I think you need is a great big glass of 'Shut up' juice." Rei shot back.
"Where did _that_ come from?" Ritsuko asked.
"Last scene, but I felt it worked here." Rei answered.
"Okay, which of these games had the best graphics: Final Fantasy 1, Dragon Warrior 1, Milon's Secret Castle, Mega Man 1, _or_ Little Nemo in Dreamland?" Rei inquired.
"Dragon Warrior 1!" A-kun called.
"No, no, Milon's Secret Castle. That duck made sure I knew there was only ONE Maharito." C-chan responded.
"Okay, according to this, you're both idiots." Rei explained to A-kun and C-chan.
"Wow, what do we owe ya?" A-kun asked.
"Okay, there's Ramiel at the door, Sahaquiel at the window and Kiel Lorenz in your underwear drawer. Do you A) None of the Below, B) Shoot Gendo Ikari, C) Cause Third Impact, D)..." Rei began.
Shinji turned to her.
"Rei, I'm trying to take a bath here." Shinji said.
"Oh, I'm not embarrassed." Rei responded, wondering how Shinji's 'tree' could be that big and still hide in his plugsuit.
"Fine, I'll take the next test myself. 'Will you survive Third Impact?' Hmmm..., Hey Shinji, do you think they mean 'smokes per DAY' or 'smokes per hour'?" Rei inquired.
"I don't know, Rei." Shinji answered, whining a bit in hopes of getting her out of the bathroom so he could leave.
Ten minutes later, after recovering from having Shinji throw her out of the bathroom, Rei turned to Asuka.
"Hey, Langely, do you think they mean honey-braised or deep-fat-fried council members?" Rei inquired.
"I don't KNOW, Rei." Asuka responded.
Two hours later, Rei sat next to the six empty buckets of Uncle Ikari's Home Fried Seele Members. She licked her fingers.
"Check. Hmmm, according to this, my clone will only last until... the end of 2015?!! WAAAAAAAH! I wasted my whole life starring in that stupid 'Saved by the Eva'!" Rei cried.
"Maybe you added it wrong. Here, I'll take it." Asuka said, snatching the test book away.
Asuka looked over the quiz, mentally adding up her own score.
"NAAH-AAAAAAH!" Asuka yelped, noting that the only person that had the same qualifications as 'assured survival' was Shinji. Maybe Fuzzy Lumpkins and Mojo-Jojo, but they were fictional characters from a fictional time. She herself fell into the 'very, very iffy - depends on current author (P.S. Sell off all stock beforehand)' category.
Walking out of the movie theater showing 'Gamera and Mononoke versus the Jovian Lizards'.
"They just screwed it up when they added William Shatner's corpse and Tim Allen as voice actors for Gamera." SKJAM! noted.
To keep out SEELE members, Asuka's Type D plugsuits are zipped up, have the neck sewed shut and then are filled before being jammed into the doorways.
"Gendo, are you sure this is a common malfunction?" Kihle Lorenz demanded.
"Says so right here in the NERV handbook." Gendo responded.
"Gendo, are you in there?" Kihle demanded, pounding on the inflated plugsuit.
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you." Gendo shouted back.
"Oh, that's okay... wait a minute..." Kihle began.
The U.N. troops marched in only to find themselves blocked by an inflated Type D plugsuit. The sergeant scratched his head, then poked the suit, causing a tiny ripple. He turned to a soldier.
"Go on, give it a poke." the sergeant commanded.
The private poked his rifle against the plugsuit, causing the suit to jiggle violently and the empty limbs to swing like a monkey on crack, smacking six soldiers to the ground.
"Can't get past here. Call in the fortifications." the sergeant declared.
"Fortifications, sir?" the private asked.
"The beer." the sergeant responded.
"Ah, yes, the fortifications. Good fortifications." the private declared.
What if the U.N. broke into your facility? And they brought beer. Really good beer...
SIGN
EVANGELION
3
ISN'T
THIS
A REALLY
LONG
TITLE SEQUENCE?
===============
Subtitle: Eh, crap we tossed together that was kinda funny.
===============
Gendo awoke with his head shoved into the glove compartment of his car. He had been drooling heavily, he noted to himself as he wiped his face off, but he couldn't remember what the heck had happened after Fuyutsuki's declaration of war upon his chili dog.
"Uggggghhhhh.." Gendo moaned, standing up right and finding himself with the same amount of coordination as a weak-kneed landlubber on a ship that was rocking violently. Not to mention his vision was messed up, even with his glasses on.
He eventually made his way to Central Dogma's command center, where he sat down and put a conveniently placed ice-pack onto his head. He fell asleep shortly afterwards. While he was asleep, Pen-Pen and the toad, which we'll called "the toad", snuck into the command center. The toad started hacking Melchior while Pen-Pen hit the 'lower walkways' button. Both laughed manically... well, they would have if they weren't afraid of Gendo waking up.
"RIIIIIIBBIIIIIIIT! RIIIIIIIBBIIIIT!" the toad called.
"Excellent. Now Melchior has Windows '95, Belthasar has Linux, and Caspar has Mac OS2 Warp 5! With all of the MAGI unable to talk to each other, they'll go MAAAAD! MAAAAD, I TELL YOU, MAAAAD!" Pen-Pen laughed.
"RIIIIIBBIIIIIT!" the toad said.
"What? They've got a copy of Penguin Raider? Hmmmm, save me a copy, won't you. If Lara Qwuag is as sexy as that gaming magazine said she was, I'll be in heaven!" Pen-Pen responded.
The toad stared at Pen-Pen.
"GET TO WORK! I've got to set it up so that Eva-00 goes berserk at least once this fanfic." Pen-Pen said.
Hey, how did he know he was in a fanfic? What the- AAAAAAHHHH! HE'S HACKING MY COMPUT-People of Earth. Surrender 1 million fish to me, Dr. Qwuag, or it's lights out for your aquariums! QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG-QWUAG!
"GIVE IT UP, YOU EVIL MONSTER!"
STOP COUNTER-HACKING!
"NEVER!"
EERRRGH!
*POP*
Ah, on with our normally scheduled 'fic.
Waking up two hours later, Gendo found Fuyutsuki wearing a Wilderness Girl's uniform in a nearby locker room.
"I can't believe that I sighed up for the Wilderness Girls. I also can't believe they accepted me." Fuyutsuki noted.
"That's nothing. I got a dirty word shaved in the back of my head." Gendo told Fuyutsuki.
Naoko walked by, saw the word and gasped.
"What is it with you men and THAT WORD? I'm going to shave you bald, Gendo, until you learn that hair is a privilege, not a right!" Naoko declared, catching Gendo in a headlock and dragging him off.
"Shinji... Shinji..." came the call over the com-link.
"Mut isaaa?" Shinji asked unintelligibly.
"I don't think that controller for the Eva looks too appetizing." Yui responded.
Shinji opened his eyes to see that he had been gnawing on the right hand controller for the Evangelion.
"WARNING, WARNING, ANGELS 19, 20, 21, 22 and 23 ARE APPROACHING!"
"_What_?" Shinji demanded.
Meanwhile, elsewhere, Misato awoke to the sensation of having someone licking and sucking at the back of her neck. Back in the days of her and Kaji, this wasn't too unusual, as he was the kind of guy to do that sort of thing.
However, hearing Ritsuko mumble, "Maya, Misato'll feel let out.", wasn't that encouraging. Especially when Ritsuko began licking her neck again.
"Uh, Ritsuko..." Misato inquired.
Ritsuko slowly opened her eyes, then pulled away.
"Uh, sorry about that." Ritsuko answered, blushing deeply.
"No problem..." Misato said, taking a convenient towel and wiping the back of her neck.
Then, both women felt something in their right hands. They looked down to see two silver metal bracelet-esque items with gold coins inset in them.
"A Tyrannosaurus Rex?" Misato asked, her left eye twitching.
"A Dragon?" Ritsuko asked.
Vague memories popped up from their early childhoods and both women nearly fainted.
"Power..." Ritsuko began.
"Rangers..." Misato finished.
Just then, they noticed that they each now had a silver watch. Misato's had a red 'face' while Ritsuko's was green. Both women nearly leapt out of their skins when the watched beeped in a sequence: Deet-deet-deetdeet-deet-deet.
Misato pressed a button and inquired, "Hello?"
"Rangers, there's a disturbance downtown! And by the way, you just miss-set your watch." came the voice of a man stuck in a transdimensional prison that could project a bloated face in a giant vat.
"Um, okay..." Misato responded.
There was silence for a few seconds.
"Rangers, get morphing or I'll come out there and kick your asses."
More silence.
"RANGERS!"
"Oh, right, hold on."
"TYRANNOSAURUS!"
"DRAGONZORD!"
"My god..."
"I never thought..."
"They seemed like such nice boys..."
"BACKSTREET'S BACK! ALL RIGHT!" the new Angels sang.
"Sometimes, I hate my life." Kaworu whimpered.
"RAAAAAGH!" the Backstreet Boys yelled, trashing another block as they stumbled through the streets.
"Guys, being huge sucks." one member noted.
"But, dude, we could probably play Australia in one night." another decreed.
"I GET TO MAKE OUT WITH THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA BILLBOARD!" yet another yelled, leaping over the others to get to the billboard.
"Let's get 'em!" Touji roared, leaping forward, only to trip over his power cord.
Hikari and Kaworu imitated Touji.
"What's going on? We could pilot these just fine last episode!" Touji growled.
"It's a requirement. Every pilot's first battle needs to be an embarrassing one." Kaworu explained.
"And since our last battle was censored..." Hikari added.
"Okay, okay, let's just kick some ass." Touji growled.
As it turned out, the Backstreet Boys sucked at fighting, so the Evas tore them to bloody shreds rather quickly. Too bad, too, because Ritsuko had just finished getting the hang of the Dragonzord's controls, as the evidence of seventeen demolished Starbucks proved.
Sixteen weeks of inactivity later...
Shinji reclined in a comfy chair in the new Pilot's Lounge, munching on a Backstreet burger. He didn't know it was Angel meat. If he had, he would've been hurling, but he wasn't hurling, so he didn't know.
"When am I going to get laid?" Shinji asked aloud.
"About two episodes before I do, that's for sure." Touji declared, sitting next to Shinji.
"......" Shinji responded.
"But, hey, who knows?" Kaworu noted, popping some Angel-flavored Poptarts into the toaster.
"Well, one thing's for sure, I don't have to worry about any stupid crossovers." Shinji declared.
But, he was wrong. Very wrong.
"Hey, this isn't the right time either!" Trunks growled as he entered the Pilot's Lounge.
"..................." all three male pilots responded.
Trunks left the room, mumbling something about a stupid time-travelling device and how he was going to shove it up someone's something when he got back.
"Things can't get any stranger than that." Touji declared.
Touji, like Shinji, was very, very wrong.
"Shinji, do these spandex outfits make our butts look big?" Misato asked, entering with Ritsuko.
Both women turned and bent over to let Shinji get a good look. Touji fainted as the sight of Misato's butt under tight spandex was too much for him. Kaworu gasped and averted his eyes. Shinji thought about it.
"Nah. They look normal." Shinji responded honestly.
Hey, after living with Misato for three months, Shinji had gotten over most of his problems with blushing. Both women returned to their normal upright position and turned to face Shinji.
"How about the chests? I think this gold thingy is making my breasts look small." Ritsuko noted, poking the Dragon Armor that came with the Green Ranger powers.
"The gold _is_ making 'em look smaller, but you still look kinda sexy." Shinji responded.
"Thanks, Shinji." Ritsuko and Misato told Shinji.
Misato kissed Shinji on the cheek and the Mighty duo left.
"I just don't get it. Am I just not seeing the signals? Maybe I should be direct..." Shinji murmurred to himself.
Kaworu munched on his poptarts as Touji remained unconscious.
"Hey, why were Misato and Ritsuko dressed up as the Power Rangers?" Kaworu asked in a burst of realization.
"Good question." Shinji responded.
Silence filled the room. Then Sailor Saturn left, no longer feeling the need to make Silence fill the room.
"So, do you have any ideas as to why they were dressed as the Power Rangers?" Kaworu asked, glaring at Sailor Saturn as she left.
"No, I was just noting that it was a good question." Shinji responded.
Misato and Ritsuko were both deep in thought as they walked down the hall. Misato was calculating how much beer was left at home and how much more she could afford to buy. Ritsuko was trying to figure out the point of being Power Rangers in a world where Evas could pretty much demolish most of the enemies. They headed for the elevators. The elevator dinged. Ritsuko and Misato stared at it intently. There was an obvious thump of someone kicking the doors. Finally, two sets of burly hands, a claw, a pseudopod and a tree stump pulled the elevator open to reveal Maya inside the elevator. Ritsuko and Misato looked for the owners of the burly hands and the other crap, but couldn't find them anywhere in the elevator.
"Sempai, I need you to-HOTCHA!" Maya declared as Ritsuko and Misato began walking into the elevator.
The doors closed as two women in spandex began to yell and thrash while another woman cackled in delight and glomped at will. Somewhere, deep in the Earth, near a lava flow, Happosai smiled, then shrieked as the cavern he was stuck in was filling with magma. And on that note, we would like to note that somewhere, somehow, in someway, a clown farted, just for Happosai.
Yui was finally getting something to do. She was currently typing on the world's largest computer. Yui had threatened to go on strike and thus was rewarded with an incredibly good system. With a joystick, a T8 line, the world's best modem, a mouse with a Pikachu mousepad, and a year of free Netscape. She was busy typing away in a chat room. Let's look in, shall we?
===============================================================================================
Heeayh, I wana fid out aout the lattest Juggle de Ikoo.
Is doo latter hi eyar!
*WAHP*
Waht dahe hell is you riting?!
Anyone here from Texas?
No.
No.
Maybe.
No.
No.
No.
Do I look sexy?
No.
No.
No.
Yes.
***Cockalawalk's connection has been reset by Peer***
Mabe.
Dam Pier.
When's tis vdeo cumming out?
I do believe that it is due out sometime in June. About the seventeenth or so, my dear.
Okya, Tanks!
Am I the only one who can spell in here?
No.
Maybee.
Noo.
Nyott.
***Big Yui has left the chatroom***
===============================================================================================
"Hmm, Fuyutsuki, I think I'll run a fire drill to see how everyone would react. NERV base 2 in Nevada had a time of eight and a half minutes." Gendo commented.
"Uhhhhh... okay..." Fuyutsuki said.
Fuyutsuki turned to Gendo before adding, "But why?"
"It's a lame plot device. Let's just get it done with." Gendo responded.
"Right." Fuyutsuki said.
Gendo grabbed a watch and headed outside with Fuyutsuki in tow.
As the alarm blared, Rei ran up the frozen escalator, through the security door before grabbing a log and slamming it down in front of the door. She spun around and faced Gendo and Fuyutsuki, her face red from exhaustion.
"I......won, sir......." Rei puffed out.
"I know, Rei." Gendo muttered, rolling his eyes.
Suddenly, Shinji and Asuka kicked the screen door next to the security door down, knocking the log over.
"WE AIN'T GONNA LET YOU HAVE THOSE POKEMON CARDS!!!" Shinji and Asuka cried in unison, tackling Rei.
"Fuyutsuki, I'll have to call this a failure." Gendo said, fixing his glasses *CLACK*.
"Wait a minute, why would there be Pokemon Cards?" Fuyutsuki asked.
"Well, the only alarms for the base are the Fire Alarm, the Angel Alarm and the Pokemon Card Alarm." Gendo answered.
"So, what you're telling me is... that there aren't any new Pokemon cards?" Shinji asked.
"No." Fuyutsuki responded.
"Then why hit the Alarm for it?" Shinji asked, motioning to the yellow Pokemon Card Alarm lights.
Fuyutsuki turned to Gendo, arching an eyebrow.
"It's the only other alarm that activates all over the Dogma and I didn't want to give a false Angel Alarm." Gendo responded.
"The Fire Alarm doesn't activate all over the Dogma?" Fuyutsuki asked.
"The corridors can seal off and either the Halon sprayers or the flame retardent foam usually takes care of it." Gendo answered as Misato, Ritsuko, Kaworu and Touji finally made it to the doors.
"Ah." Fuyutsuki answered, before shouting, "THEN WHY WOULD WE NEED TO RUN A FIRE DRILL!?"
"GENDO!!!!" Yui roared, bursting out of the cages and through the Dogma walls to the Geofront.
"Yes, dear?" Gendo asked.
"Never trigger a false alarm ever again! It teaches Shinji bad manners." Yui growled, before turning to Shinji and taking up a more loving tone, "Shinji, remember to never follow your father's lead unless I tell you to, okay sweety?"
Yui walked back into the Dogma and continued typing away at her new computer. It was about then that the Angel Alarms went off.
"It's Angel 6 again! It's attacking the combined U.S. and U.N. Fleet!" Makoto called.
"But they aren't of any value." Fuyutsuki noted.
"Either way, let's go! We can try out the new Type Aqua armor." Gendo declared.
"Aqua? That's a stupid name." Kaworu stated.
"Shut up or it's the Type D Plugsuit for you." Gendo hissed as they enter the Dogma again.
"I DON'T WANNA LOOK FAT!!" Kaworu cried, before taking up a feminine pose, "I've gotta keep my sexy waist and luscious thighs in shape, right Shin-chan?"
With that said, Kaworu cuddled up to Shinji. Shinji pulled an AK-47 out of a convenient 'Remove from wall in case of SEELE members' bin off the wall and shot Kaworu full of holes, killing the 17th Angel once again. Shinji then tossed it into a special waste dispenser for guns that were empty of all ammo.
"Who'll be the pilot of Evangelion Unit 10?" Asuka asked.
"Get Kensuke." Touji declared.
"Not that nerd! He's the one person who should be banned from piloting an Eva." Asuka said.
"Hey, do you know how often writers jump over Kensuke and tag either me or Hikari as the Fourth Child? It's disgusting." Touji shot back.
"Fine, let nerd-boy pilot." Asuka surrendered.
"Let's get a visual of the sixth Angel." Misato demanded.
"It seems to be attacking a single aircraft carrier. The U.S.S. Pottery Barn." Shigeru explained, bringing up a visual as the pilots headed to suit up.
"Hey, isn't that the ship Kaji's hiding on this week?" Misato mused.
"I think so." Ritsuko responded.
"Good." Misato noted, smiling evilly.
"The Pottery Barn's sinking. Now it's going back up? Now it's sinking, going back up, sink, up, sink, up, down, up, down, -OH MY GAWDESS!" Maya shrieked as she and everyone else in the command center realized what the Angel was doing. The Horizontal Mambo; the Vertical Thrust; the Dance of the Purple-Helmeted Samurai and the Jade Gate; the Plunging of the Lance into the Flower; the Electric Slide that Doesn't Go Anywhere; Snowballing Surprise; the Ultimate Thrust; the Saga Frontier; the Oldest Marital Art; the Ballad of the Banshee and the Vibrator; the Washing Machine Express, the Bowflex, the Parrot and the Funky Beat; the Upright Citizens Brigade, the Bill Gates; Shagging the Oyster; Snogging the Right Fielder; the Stock Market; or, in plain english, Hiding the Snake; Riding the Exercise Bike; Practicing Squat Thrusts; Rowing the Boat; the Stapler Impression; The 'Going By The Standard Postal System'; the Light Switch; the Plumber; the Hot Dog Vendor; the Bastard Royale; the Telephone; the Gossiper with a Bad Memory and an Overly Active Imagination; the Chain of Command; the-
"WE GET IT, SHEEESH!" Misato yelled at the writers.
Narrator: What will happen next?! [Caption: Fighting the Deadly Angel of Goldfish!] Will we see the girls in skimpy outfits?! [Caption: Probably not.] Will Shinji even want to come back the way his love life is going?! [Caption: Hey, we promised he'd get boinked.] And will Goku triumph?! [Caption: Who?] Or will Raditz steal Shingo's one true love, Iori?! [Caption: Huh?]
"Who said that?" Maya asked.
"What the hell was he babbling about?" Makoto asked.
"What is the narrator for Martian Successor Nadesico doing here?" Ruri asked, having replaced Shigeru when no one was looking.
Everyone turned to look at the twelve year old blue-hair albino girl allowing Minato to knock Makoto out cold and replace him. Then, the rest of the NERV staff noticed the large-chested pilot.
"Time to lift off." Minato noted, hitting a button that was shaped like Misato's melons.
With that, the NERVesico turned towards the sky and launched out of the ground, surprising everyone, including the writers. It should be noted that A-kun did bounce.
"Wheee!" Minato declared.
"THIS PLACE CAN FLY?!" Gendo asked.
"News to me!" Fuyutsuki shouted as what used to be the Dogma became an enormous spacecraft and took up a low atomospheric orbit over Earth. (Anime Law of Physics: Anything is aerodynamic enough to fly. Anything.)
Remember the mothership from ID4? If you don't, just think of something about a third of the size of the moon that looks like a broken off doorhandle. That's about what the NERVesico looked like.
"That's nice, Minato, but how the hell are we supposed to deploy the Evas? They're ground-based units." Ruri declared.
"Oh, don't worry about that, Ruri-Ruri, I've got it all under control." Minato responded, hitting another button (this one looked like Gendo wearing a lamp shade on his head), to activate the transformation sequence as the Children ran in, plug-suited up and wondering why Ruri and Minato were onboard.
Suddenly, the NERVesico transformed into an enormous replica of the SDF-1. When we say enormous, we mean it's actually 24 to 16 scale. However, the transformation cut out the engines long enough for the NERVesico to land feet-first in the Pacific ocean, roughly six miles from the U.N. fleet, which caused some large waves to overtake the vessels, but they had already been suffering under the waves of the 6th Angel's "assault". When it was all said and done, the NERVesico was only knee-deep in the ocean and no ships had capsized....yet. Well, the U.S.S. Nakago did, but we don't care. Nakago sucks.
"The Angel is only six miles away. Normally, I'd say the distance in kilometers, but writers use that other system of measuring because Americans can define miles relatively easily while kilometers just sounds stupid. Idiots." Ruri declared.
"Um, what's our game plan?" Ritsuko asked.
Without prior warning, a giant glowing vat appeared behind Gendo. What color was the vat, you may ask? Monkey Pee Blue.
"I've got a plan..." a disembodied and bloated head declared.
Zordon was in the house. Everyone turned to look at the head. Everyone screamed bloody murder and either fell out of their seats, leapt back or, in Gendo's case, both, which sent the Director of Nerv plummeting to the floor just below with a loud, "WAAAAHH-AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGH!" *KATHUD*.
"He is butt-ugly." Naoko noted.
"Clone." Zordon shot back.
Naoko burst into tears.
"STOP INSULTING MY MOTHER!" Ritsuko growled.
"Fine, look, I've got an idea, wanna hear?" Zordon asked.
The entire staff shrugged, causing Zordon to facefault.
"Evangelion Unit 01, 02 and 06 will head out in the Type Aqua armor. The Dragon Zord will also head out, but it will not require Type Aqua armor. The remaining Evangelion Unit will wait on deck with either nets or spears in the event that the Evas send it in this direction." Zordon explained.
============Since the original version is, despite being infinitely funnier, lost to cyberspace, here's some crap we tossed in============
"Here's your copy of the Netscape Kooky Commie-Quiz, Rei. That'll be three dollars for in-building service." Shinji said.
Rei handed him three dollars.
"Hey! This isn't real money. It's printed by the Hokkaido Militia." Shinji complained.
"It'll be real soon enough." Rei hostilely shot back.
She looked at the cover and read it aloud, "Are you an excellent clone? Yes. Are you a paragon of virtue, sexiness and worshipped by millions of fanboys and fangirls? Yes. Whoo-hoo. 2 for 2."
"Uh, Rei, you know you're supposed to open it and take the quizzes inside." Shinji said.
"Yes, the Quiz Mistress. That'll amuse me briefly." Rei responded.
Shinji blinked.
"Uh, Rei, we missed a line of dialogue there." Shinji pointed out.
"What I think you need is a great big glass of 'Shut up' juice." Rei shot back.
As Ritsuko sniffed and cleaned her glasses, Rei totalled her score.
"So, you got 67 out a 100. That makes you... a frigid frita. I took thirty points off for all that laughing you did." Rei responded.
"It's a little cruel giving me a clone test while tickling me mercilessly. I'm only on my first one." Ritsuko responded.
"What I think you need is a great big glass of 'Shut up' juice." Rei shot back.
"Where did _that_ come from?" Ritsuko asked.
"Last scene, but I felt it worked here." Rei answered.
"Okay, which of these games had the best graphics: Final Fantasy 1, Dragon Warrior 1, Milon's Secret Castle, Mega Man 1, _or_ Little Nemo in Dreamland?" Rei inquired.
"Dragon Warrior 1!" A-kun called.
"No, no, Milon's Secret Castle. That duck made sure I knew there was only ONE Maharito." C-chan responded.
"Okay, according to this, you're both idiots." Rei explained to A-kun and C-chan.
"Wow, what do we owe ya?" A-kun asked.
"Okay, there's Ramiel at the door, Sahaquiel at the window and Kiel Lorenz in your underwear drawer. Do you A) None of the Below, B) Shoot Gendo Ikari, C) Cause Third Impact, D)..." Rei began.
Shinji turned to her.
"Rei, I'm trying to take a bath here." Shinji said.
"Oh, I'm not embarrassed." Rei responded, wondering how Shinji's 'tree' could be that big and still hide in his plugsuit.
"Fine, I'll take the next test myself. 'Will you survive Third Impact?' Hmmm..., Hey Shinji, do you think they mean 'smokes per DAY' or 'smokes per hour'?" Rei inquired.
"I don't know, Rei." Shinji answered, whining a bit in hopes of getting her out of the bathroom so he could leave.
Ten minutes later, after recovering from having Shinji throw her out of the bathroom, Rei turned to Asuka.
"Hey, Langely, do you think they mean honey-braised or deep-fat-fried council members?" Rei inquired.
"I don't KNOW, Rei." Asuka responded.
Two hours later, Rei sat next to the six empty buckets of Uncle Ikari's Home Fried Seele Members. She licked her fingers.
"Check. Hmmm, according to this, my clone will only last until... the end of 2015?!! WAAAAAAAH! I wasted my whole life starring in that stupid 'Saved by the Eva'!" Rei cried.
"Maybe you added it wrong. Here, I'll take it." Asuka said, snatching the test book away.
Asuka looked over the quiz, mentally adding up her own score.
"NAAH-AAAAAAH!" Asuka yelped, noting that the only person that had the same qualifications as 'assured survival' was Shinji. Maybe Fuzzy Lumpkins and Mojo-Jojo, but they were fictional characters from a fictional time. She herself fell into the 'very, very iffy - depends on current author (P.S. Sell off all stock beforehand)' category.
Walking out of the movie theater showing 'Gamera and Mononoke versus the Jovian Lizards'.
"They just screwed it up when they added William Shatner's corpse and Tim Allen as voice actors for Gamera." SKJAM! noted.
To keep out SEELE members, Asuka's Type D plugsuits are zipped up, have the neck sewed shut and then are filled before being jammed into the doorways.
"Gendo, are you sure this is a common malfunction?" Kihle Lorenz demanded.
"Says so right here in the NERV handbook." Gendo responded.
"Gendo, are you in there?" Kihle demanded, pounding on the inflated plugsuit.
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you." Gendo shouted back.
"Oh, that's okay... wait a minute..." Kihle began.
The U.N. troops marched in only to find themselves blocked by an inflated Type D plugsuit. The sergeant scratched his head, then poked the suit, causing a tiny ripple. He turned to a soldier.
"Go on, give it a poke." the sergeant commanded.
The private poked his rifle against the plugsuit, causing the suit to jiggle violently and the empty limbs to swing like a monkey on crack, smacking six soldiers to the ground.
"Can't get past here. Call in the fortifications." the sergeant declared.
"Fortifications, sir?" the private asked.
"The beer." the sergeant responded.
"Ah, yes, the fortifications. Good fortifications." the private declared.
What if the U.N. broke into your facility? And they brought beer. Really good beer...