When we last left off, Marcus, Faustus, Sebastian and Umah, along with the
six Lieutenants, were heading back to the Sarafan Lord because they found
themselves a dragon slayer. Unfortunately Dumah, being the stupid idiot in
this fanfic, doesn't know what's waiting for him at the moment but he soon
will. The two Kain's at this moment were fighting over possession of the
Soul Reaver, and doing any means necessary to get it.
Young Kain: It's mine! Mine! (Runs headfirst into a wall in the Slums with a poster saying 'Watch out!')
Kain: No! It's mine now! (Grabs the Soul Reaver and holds it over his head) I am the champion.
Now for no reason a lightning bolt comes out from the sky and strikes the Reaver, thereby zapping Kain and frying him as well. The younger Kain took this moment to get up and pluck the sword from the charred Kain's grasp and continued running down the Slums, happily singing and skipping along. Of course the older Kain would not stand for this. He was a 1,000 years older and while he might not look as handsome as his younger counterpart, he knew was he in the past was thinking and what he would do, which the older Kain would be able to outthink the younger Kain because he had already thought those thoughts a long time ago. Kain got off this difficult topic because it was making his head spin and just ran after his younger self in a good old-fashioned chase.
Standing at the intersection of Trashy and Drugs Street in the Slums and after knocking over Patricia the Stripper, the younger Kain hailed a Meridian blue cab that hadn't gone up in flames when the dragon had attacked.
Young Kain: (Hopping in) All right buddy, to the middle of nowhere and step on it!
Cab driver: Right.
Kain: (Rounding the corner and seeing the cab pull away) Damn it all to hell and back again, that's bastard -- wait, I just called myself a bastard -- ah screw it! That freak just drove off with my sword!! Where the hell could he be heading off too?
At precisely that moment another cab, also in blue, drove up beside Kain.
Cab driver: Can I help ya with something, mac?
Kain: (Dragging the cab driver out of his cab) Yes, I'm using your car!
Cab driver: Hey, you don't know how to drive, you stupid vampire!
Kain: Ah, shove this! (Makes a rude gesture and drives off after the Young Kain)
The cab driver, now without a cab and technically without a job, decided to drink his problems away at the Red Raven Pub, which mysteriously hasn't burned down even if the gin and other alcohol had soaked through the floorboards. Really, it should have been one of the first things to go because of all the beer there and how fire does eat away at anything with alcohol, and if the people of Meridian got trapped in there they were effectively killing themselves but hey, once again that's besides the point and bears no real effect to the rest of this story.
Young Kain: Cabby? Can't you go any faster?
Cab driver: Hey kid, I have to drive carefully or I might lose my license. And I can't have that now, can I? It takes about 3 months to get a new one at the school and then after that I need to get my photo taken. My wife was always saying 'Cab driver, this new photo of you looks so much better that the last one so don't lose your license because then you'll lose this nice photo of yourself and-
Well, the cab driver effectively stopped speaking as the young Kain slashed his head off with the Soul Reaver.
Young Kain: (Hugging the Soul Reaver and getting cut up by it) Ahh, just like old times.
Suddenly the older Kain pulled up in his cab and rammed it into the back of the younger Kain's cab.
Kain: Give me back my sword, you little ingrate!
Young Kain: Make me buddy! (Hops into the front seat of the cab, throws the driver's headless body out the window, and proceeds to drive off, most likely to the middle of nowhere)
So the two Kain's, who never passed driver's school three times and still counting, skidded and slew across the road, crashing through houses being eaten by fires and running down the occasional pedestrian that got in their way and all because of the Soul Reaver. The sword itself didn't mind; hell, it loved being the center of attention and it didn't get any better than this. It had strapped itself in safely in the passenger's seat, and even though it possessed no arms or mouth to speak of, managed to grab a bag of buttered popcorn with salt and vinegar dressing on the top from a popcorn stand that the younger Kain had driven through, then also somehow managed to take the soda from Harry the Shoemaker as the younger Kain drove him down.
Yes, life was good if you were the one, the only, the indestructible Soul Reaver.
Kain: (Leaning out of the window and shouting) Give me back my sword! I own it; I have my name etched in the pommel.
Young Kain: (Leaning out of the window and shouting back) Well then that makes it mine too, pops, and at least I didn't have to waste any time putting MY name on it.
Kain, feeling very angry and seeing the veins bulge out of his forehead, sped forwards and rammed the younger Kain's car not once, not twice, but thrice! The younger Kain's beautiful face got smashed into the steering wheel and the cab whirled out of control, flipping end of end and taking about three other humans into the afterlife where the Elder God waited for them, and then finally stopped.
Kain: (Getting out of his cab) Yes, I win! Take that, younger version of me!
Young Kain: (Crawling out of the cab) Ohh, I think I broke my ribs. (Looks up to see the older Kain) Oh boy.
Kain: Give me the Soul Reaver, runt.
Young Kain: It's in the cab. (Begins to crawl away weakly)
Kain walked over the younger and injured form of himself, then looked into the smashed wreak that had once been the livelihood for the cab driver that was now getting smashed at the pub, which was also beginning to have the roof burned by the all-encompassing fire. Pushing aside the fluffy dice hanging from the rearview mirror and throwing over his shoulder a half eaten bag of popcorn and an empty soda can, the older, wiser yet not as good-looking as his younger version Kain found that the Soul Reaver wasn't there.
Oh yeah, the Soul Reaver had somehow managed to vacate its seat before the car crashed, not even leaving a message to where it was going to next, which was the Meridian sewer system by the way. Of course, the older and younger Kain was not aware of this at the moment, but they soon would be.
Young Kain: (Dragging himself away) The pain - is tremendous. (The shadow of the older Kain falls across him) Oh, what now? I told you where the damn sword was!
Kain: It's not in the cab.
Young Kain: Oh well, not my problem!
Kain: Yes, it is your problem. (Picks himself up by the neck) See, if you don't get that sword back, then you can kiss your future empire goodbye. I can kiss my own future goodbye as well. So if you want to keep on living and fulfill your righteous plan of controlling all of Nosgoth, you need to get the sword. And I need that sword because without it, mystical plans in the future that will affect all of Nosgoth will not unfold and then everyone will be damned, even if I am trying to save all of Nosgoth the only way I know how!
Young Kain: (Measured silence) So - all we need to do is get the sword, right?
Kain: Yes.
Young Kain: Then we'll go to the sewers.
Kain: Why the sewers?
Young Kain: Just read back a few paragraphs and we'll see where the sword went.
*Rewinding sound*
So the two Kain's actually looked back up this fanfic by a few paragraphs and found that indeed the Soul Reaver, being the self-preserving evil entity that it is, did indeed abandoned ship and head into the sewers. Without further fighting/hitting/punching the two Kain's made their way into the sewers to retrieve his/their sword.
* * *
Sebastian: And that, Sarafan Lord, is how we found these six standing outside of the Chronoplast chamber.
Sarafan Lord: I see. But what part of Marcus tap-dancing did it have to do with it?
Sebastian: It just did. And that vampire over there says he'll slay the dragon for us. (Points over to Dumah, who is trying to look as heroic as possible, which isn't very hard)
Sarafan Lord: So you will slay the dragon?
Dumah: (Puffing out his chest) Yes, I will. See these muscles? Years of training with every known weapon, running and climbing every cliff that has crossed my path and fighting off ever vicious monster has made me strong. I am even stronger than Kain himself.
Melchiah: Then how come dad always manages to throw you out the window every time when you try to wrestle him?
Dumah: (Kicks Melchiah in the chest) So where is this dragon?
Faustus: (To Melchiah) Did that hurt?
Turel: Nah, he's use to it. Usually it's worse; an arm tears off and we have to sew it back on.
Faustus: (Queasy look on his face)
Raziel: (Poking Marcus in the arm) Excuse me.
Marcus: Yes?
Raziel: You have a bald head and it looks like you wax it everyday, so if you would kindly lower your head like so then I shall be able to look at it like a mirror and see my beautiful reflection.
Marcus: (Indignant) Hey, I didn't ask to be bald. It just happened!
Melchiah: (Picking himself up off the floor) I know the feeling. Premature balding, right?
Marcus: How did you know?
Melchiah: I have the same problem.
Marcus: (Eyes watering) Finally, someone who understands what it's like to be bald.
Melchiah: (Eyes watering as well) The pain!
As Marcus and Melchiah both went on and on about sharing the pain, trials and tribulations of being bald, Raziel got bored with this display of emotion and being a vampire with a short attention span, walked off somewhere in the Keep to look for a mirror in which he could examine himself in all his glory. Umah, who at the moment was quietly looking at everything around, decided to beat a retreat since everything was getting out of hand, in her opinion anyway, and went off to find the nearest guestroom and ransack the clothing in the wardrobes. She would find that the Sarafan Lord lived quite well, dressing up in high heels and wearing frocks and dresses made from the best silk and -
Dumah: Hey! Bring this story back to me!!!! To me!
Sebastian: Yes. The more you prattle on and on about stupid little things like the Sarafan Lord's secret hobbies, the more the dragon is burning Meridian to the ground. The latest reports show that the petting zoo went up in a not so surprising blaze of glory.
Sarafan Lord: (Anguished cry) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The lambs - they never stood a chance! The poor little, fluffy white babies!!!
Rahab: Well, at least you don't bother having to cook them when you want to eat them.
Faustus: (Queasy look on his face turns even more queasy; then without a backwards look runs out of the room to the nearest toilet with the new plumbing, one might add)
Turel: Maybe someone might want to hold his hair up out of his face while he's throwing up?
Rahab: (Shaking his head) It wouldn't be such a good idea. What happens if -
Dumah: SHUT UP! Everyone pay attention to me, the savior of all Meridian! (Turns to the Sarafan Lord) All right, what I need is a suit of armour -- maybe like yours -- a helmet -- like yours -- and a purple cape -- just like YOURS!! And I want the Soul Reaver, too.
Sarafan Lord: I'm not giving you my armour! And I will not give you my sword.
Sebastian: Milord, I believe it would be in the best interest that you did give this vampire all he's asking for. He is willing to slay the dragon, for free I might add, and we all know that if it's for free then one doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Zephon: A gift horse? Where?
Melchiah: An actual horse with a gift in its mouth? (Whips out a camera) I have to take a picture of it. It'll complete my series of pictures like 'Jumbo shrimp' and 'Signs with Hilarious Names On Them'.
Marcus: (Deadpan) And besides, Dumah seems to be the only one who is able to keep his mind on the plot at this moment.
Sarafan Lord: Fine. But he still can't hold the Soul Reaver; I have a warranty on this thing, you know?
So the Sarafan Lord did what Dumah asked, giving him a whole set of golden armour which wasn't cheap one might add, a helm just like his own which Dumah isn't wearing but that doesn't matter and a purple cape that billowed out dramatically behind the vampire lord, even if there was no opened window in which the wind could come through. So the Lieutenants (Rahab and Zephon dragging behind them a Raziel holding on to a full length golden mirror that he got from the treasury), the Sarafan Lord, Sebastian, Marcus and a not so queasy looking Faustus made their way to the main gates of Meridian, where the sinister dragon that loved to torch stuff and make the popular Self Combustion Theory come to life as well as many other things was waiting for the challenger. The dragon knew there was a challenger because someone in Meridian was actual smart or stupid enough to send a message to the dragon and then get eaten themselves but once again this is going off onto a tangent and we need to get back to the loose story and plot in general. The dragon was hidden from view at the moment, but did this matter to Dumah?
NO, because his I.Q. is especially low even by vampire standards, which is somewhere in the 20 - 50 range, so he didn't know what was about to happen, but everyone else could make a very good guess.
Sarafan Lord: (Standing just above the gates with the group, and hiding behind about 50 other Sarafan Guards) Open the gates to let the idiot -- I mean, the CHALLENGER out!
Dumah: (Standing in front of the opening gates; at least he remembered to put on his helm) I challenge you dragon! (Walks out of the gates and looks for the dragon) Where are you? Show yourself! I am invincible!
Turel: (Calling from his vantage point) Dumah, don't say that!
Dumah: What?
Turel: Don't say you're invincible. You just made the second mistake in this fanfic. You never say you're invincible because when you do, something is going to happen to prove that you're weak and you'll get the crap pounded out of you!
Indeed, Turel was right! Hell, if Turel wasn't so smart then he wouldn't of been able to escape from Raziel in the first and second 'Soul Reaver' games. The gates swung shut behind Dumah, leaving him standing outside waiting for his inevitable doom. Somebody played the funeral dirge on an organ and that was when it happened. A big, black, dark, inky, ebony, murky, sable, nefarious, evil -
Everyone: Get on with the story!!!
- shadow passed over Dumah. The vampire had to crouch down as the wind nearly picked him up and threw him into the canyon walls. The earth shuddered for a moment, signaling the dragon had settled down on the ground and looked at the tiny vampire standing in front of it.
Sebastian: I can't believe it!
Marcus: Who would of thought it?
Turel: Well obviously I didn't!
Rahab: This goes against all conventional thinking!
Faustus: It's so -
Melchiah: -weird. (Snapping photos of the dragon)
Zephon: Is this a conspiracy of some sort?
Sarafan Lord: I am amazed. (Everyone looks to Raziel to say his line)
Raziel: (Looking at himself in the mirror) I am indeed on hell of a sexy bitch! (Finally looks at the dragon) AHHHH!
Indeed the dragon was different from what everyone had expected.
It was cute.
It was cuddly.
It was not as long as it's shadow thought many to believe; by dragon standards this one was a little bit on the tubby side.
Its wings were small yet somehow it was able to fly with them.
The eyes, instead of being the burning evil red that all thought it to be, were in fact wide, blue and looking sweet.
And it was a fluffy pink dragon.
Dumah: (Sarcastically) This is the dragon that's burning everything to the ground? Well, it doesn't matter. Off to work I go!
And with that, Dumah charged the dragon with the trademark broadsword he carried, shouting out his battle cry. The fluffy pink dragon watched amusing as the knight raced towards it, then taking in a small breath and with a Poof! sent a small fireball that neatly toasted, but did not burn, Dumah. He stood there for a few moments, a dumb expression on his face from under the helm, and then fell back completely.
Zephon: We're all doomed.
Uh-oh, it looked like Zephon had made the third mistake in this fanfic!
Zephon: I did? (Gets whacked in the head by Rahab)
Yes, he did. See, no matter how bad it is this story could become even worse off that it already is. The pink dragon stood over the prone and smoking form of Dumah and cautiously sniffed the vampire. Dumah groaned slightly but didn't move. Then the fluffy pink dragon picked up Dumah and looked him over.
Raziel: (Screams like a girl) AHH! He's going to eat our brother!!!!
The fluffy pink dragon really did consider Raziel's words for a few moments, and then flipped off Dumah's helm to get a good look at the person before it ate them. And that was when everyone figured everything out.
Faustus: Hey, that dragon's a girl!
Sebastian: How can you tell?
Faustus: The colour, for one. But because this dragon has eyelashes and manicured nails! See?
And wouldn't you believe it, Faustus was right. This dragon did have eyelashes that did look very nice on her and claws that were painted a complimenting colour to her pink scales. But then this little pink dragon looked at Dumah, now helmless, and fell completely in love with the charred but still breathing vampire. Plucking Dumah up by the cape with her sharp teeth, the fluffy pink dragon haughtily turned her head away from Meridian, which wasn't burning as much anymore because of a storm moving in on the western front which the meteorologists had predicted; flapped her wings a few times and was airborne.
Turel: Hey, she's taking away Dumah!
Zephon: That's worse than being eaten!
Rahab: Dumah!!!!! Come back!!!
Melchiah: How can he come back? He's unconscious; he's flying, and even if he did get away from the dragon then he would fall to the ground below and become a pancake.
Rahab: Oh, just try and add some drama to this story, will you?!
Raziel: Dad's going to kill us, you all know!
Sebastian: Well, that's not our problem!
Marcus: Actually, I think it might be. Kain will accuse us of getting his sons into trouble and then he'll come after us.
Faustus: Which Kain?
Marcus: Does it really matter at this point in time?
Faustus: No.
Turel: We need to get our brother back! Quick, everyone into the Chronoplast chamber!
Rahab: Why?
Turel: Because we'll just set the coordinates back in time before we came here, then Dumah will have never been taken away and therefore dad will not kick our butts.
Zephon: Nah, that's too complex. We'll just go back even further in time, grab Janos Audron before he was killed and bring him back here and he'll save Dumah.
Melchiah: Yeah, that might work.
Sarafan Lord: But that's even more complex than the idea that Turel gave you all!
Sebastian: Not with their 'I'm 1,000 Years In The Future' thinking!
Raziel: Hey, isn't it supposed to be that Janos Audron is still alive in this time?
Sarafan Lord: (Sweating) I have NO idea what you are all talking about!
Turel: Everyone to the Chronoplast chamber! AWAY!!!!
And with that the five Lieutenants, Raziel still holding onto his golden full length mirror, rushed back through the no longer burning streets of Meridian to the Time Streaming device while at the same time not trying to get hit by the rain. Unfortunately, they completely forgot about the older Kain being stuck in Meridian at this time, but hey, we'll come back to this little problem in a bit.
Sarafan Lord: I sure hope so.
Young Kain: It's mine! Mine! (Runs headfirst into a wall in the Slums with a poster saying 'Watch out!')
Kain: No! It's mine now! (Grabs the Soul Reaver and holds it over his head) I am the champion.
Now for no reason a lightning bolt comes out from the sky and strikes the Reaver, thereby zapping Kain and frying him as well. The younger Kain took this moment to get up and pluck the sword from the charred Kain's grasp and continued running down the Slums, happily singing and skipping along. Of course the older Kain would not stand for this. He was a 1,000 years older and while he might not look as handsome as his younger counterpart, he knew was he in the past was thinking and what he would do, which the older Kain would be able to outthink the younger Kain because he had already thought those thoughts a long time ago. Kain got off this difficult topic because it was making his head spin and just ran after his younger self in a good old-fashioned chase.
Standing at the intersection of Trashy and Drugs Street in the Slums and after knocking over Patricia the Stripper, the younger Kain hailed a Meridian blue cab that hadn't gone up in flames when the dragon had attacked.
Young Kain: (Hopping in) All right buddy, to the middle of nowhere and step on it!
Cab driver: Right.
Kain: (Rounding the corner and seeing the cab pull away) Damn it all to hell and back again, that's bastard -- wait, I just called myself a bastard -- ah screw it! That freak just drove off with my sword!! Where the hell could he be heading off too?
At precisely that moment another cab, also in blue, drove up beside Kain.
Cab driver: Can I help ya with something, mac?
Kain: (Dragging the cab driver out of his cab) Yes, I'm using your car!
Cab driver: Hey, you don't know how to drive, you stupid vampire!
Kain: Ah, shove this! (Makes a rude gesture and drives off after the Young Kain)
The cab driver, now without a cab and technically without a job, decided to drink his problems away at the Red Raven Pub, which mysteriously hasn't burned down even if the gin and other alcohol had soaked through the floorboards. Really, it should have been one of the first things to go because of all the beer there and how fire does eat away at anything with alcohol, and if the people of Meridian got trapped in there they were effectively killing themselves but hey, once again that's besides the point and bears no real effect to the rest of this story.
Young Kain: Cabby? Can't you go any faster?
Cab driver: Hey kid, I have to drive carefully or I might lose my license. And I can't have that now, can I? It takes about 3 months to get a new one at the school and then after that I need to get my photo taken. My wife was always saying 'Cab driver, this new photo of you looks so much better that the last one so don't lose your license because then you'll lose this nice photo of yourself and-
Well, the cab driver effectively stopped speaking as the young Kain slashed his head off with the Soul Reaver.
Young Kain: (Hugging the Soul Reaver and getting cut up by it) Ahh, just like old times.
Suddenly the older Kain pulled up in his cab and rammed it into the back of the younger Kain's cab.
Kain: Give me back my sword, you little ingrate!
Young Kain: Make me buddy! (Hops into the front seat of the cab, throws the driver's headless body out the window, and proceeds to drive off, most likely to the middle of nowhere)
So the two Kain's, who never passed driver's school three times and still counting, skidded and slew across the road, crashing through houses being eaten by fires and running down the occasional pedestrian that got in their way and all because of the Soul Reaver. The sword itself didn't mind; hell, it loved being the center of attention and it didn't get any better than this. It had strapped itself in safely in the passenger's seat, and even though it possessed no arms or mouth to speak of, managed to grab a bag of buttered popcorn with salt and vinegar dressing on the top from a popcorn stand that the younger Kain had driven through, then also somehow managed to take the soda from Harry the Shoemaker as the younger Kain drove him down.
Yes, life was good if you were the one, the only, the indestructible Soul Reaver.
Kain: (Leaning out of the window and shouting) Give me back my sword! I own it; I have my name etched in the pommel.
Young Kain: (Leaning out of the window and shouting back) Well then that makes it mine too, pops, and at least I didn't have to waste any time putting MY name on it.
Kain, feeling very angry and seeing the veins bulge out of his forehead, sped forwards and rammed the younger Kain's car not once, not twice, but thrice! The younger Kain's beautiful face got smashed into the steering wheel and the cab whirled out of control, flipping end of end and taking about three other humans into the afterlife where the Elder God waited for them, and then finally stopped.
Kain: (Getting out of his cab) Yes, I win! Take that, younger version of me!
Young Kain: (Crawling out of the cab) Ohh, I think I broke my ribs. (Looks up to see the older Kain) Oh boy.
Kain: Give me the Soul Reaver, runt.
Young Kain: It's in the cab. (Begins to crawl away weakly)
Kain walked over the younger and injured form of himself, then looked into the smashed wreak that had once been the livelihood for the cab driver that was now getting smashed at the pub, which was also beginning to have the roof burned by the all-encompassing fire. Pushing aside the fluffy dice hanging from the rearview mirror and throwing over his shoulder a half eaten bag of popcorn and an empty soda can, the older, wiser yet not as good-looking as his younger version Kain found that the Soul Reaver wasn't there.
Oh yeah, the Soul Reaver had somehow managed to vacate its seat before the car crashed, not even leaving a message to where it was going to next, which was the Meridian sewer system by the way. Of course, the older and younger Kain was not aware of this at the moment, but they soon would be.
Young Kain: (Dragging himself away) The pain - is tremendous. (The shadow of the older Kain falls across him) Oh, what now? I told you where the damn sword was!
Kain: It's not in the cab.
Young Kain: Oh well, not my problem!
Kain: Yes, it is your problem. (Picks himself up by the neck) See, if you don't get that sword back, then you can kiss your future empire goodbye. I can kiss my own future goodbye as well. So if you want to keep on living and fulfill your righteous plan of controlling all of Nosgoth, you need to get the sword. And I need that sword because without it, mystical plans in the future that will affect all of Nosgoth will not unfold and then everyone will be damned, even if I am trying to save all of Nosgoth the only way I know how!
Young Kain: (Measured silence) So - all we need to do is get the sword, right?
Kain: Yes.
Young Kain: Then we'll go to the sewers.
Kain: Why the sewers?
Young Kain: Just read back a few paragraphs and we'll see where the sword went.
*Rewinding sound*
So the two Kain's actually looked back up this fanfic by a few paragraphs and found that indeed the Soul Reaver, being the self-preserving evil entity that it is, did indeed abandoned ship and head into the sewers. Without further fighting/hitting/punching the two Kain's made their way into the sewers to retrieve his/their sword.
* * *
Sebastian: And that, Sarafan Lord, is how we found these six standing outside of the Chronoplast chamber.
Sarafan Lord: I see. But what part of Marcus tap-dancing did it have to do with it?
Sebastian: It just did. And that vampire over there says he'll slay the dragon for us. (Points over to Dumah, who is trying to look as heroic as possible, which isn't very hard)
Sarafan Lord: So you will slay the dragon?
Dumah: (Puffing out his chest) Yes, I will. See these muscles? Years of training with every known weapon, running and climbing every cliff that has crossed my path and fighting off ever vicious monster has made me strong. I am even stronger than Kain himself.
Melchiah: Then how come dad always manages to throw you out the window every time when you try to wrestle him?
Dumah: (Kicks Melchiah in the chest) So where is this dragon?
Faustus: (To Melchiah) Did that hurt?
Turel: Nah, he's use to it. Usually it's worse; an arm tears off and we have to sew it back on.
Faustus: (Queasy look on his face)
Raziel: (Poking Marcus in the arm) Excuse me.
Marcus: Yes?
Raziel: You have a bald head and it looks like you wax it everyday, so if you would kindly lower your head like so then I shall be able to look at it like a mirror and see my beautiful reflection.
Marcus: (Indignant) Hey, I didn't ask to be bald. It just happened!
Melchiah: (Picking himself up off the floor) I know the feeling. Premature balding, right?
Marcus: How did you know?
Melchiah: I have the same problem.
Marcus: (Eyes watering) Finally, someone who understands what it's like to be bald.
Melchiah: (Eyes watering as well) The pain!
As Marcus and Melchiah both went on and on about sharing the pain, trials and tribulations of being bald, Raziel got bored with this display of emotion and being a vampire with a short attention span, walked off somewhere in the Keep to look for a mirror in which he could examine himself in all his glory. Umah, who at the moment was quietly looking at everything around, decided to beat a retreat since everything was getting out of hand, in her opinion anyway, and went off to find the nearest guestroom and ransack the clothing in the wardrobes. She would find that the Sarafan Lord lived quite well, dressing up in high heels and wearing frocks and dresses made from the best silk and -
Dumah: Hey! Bring this story back to me!!!! To me!
Sebastian: Yes. The more you prattle on and on about stupid little things like the Sarafan Lord's secret hobbies, the more the dragon is burning Meridian to the ground. The latest reports show that the petting zoo went up in a not so surprising blaze of glory.
Sarafan Lord: (Anguished cry) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The lambs - they never stood a chance! The poor little, fluffy white babies!!!
Rahab: Well, at least you don't bother having to cook them when you want to eat them.
Faustus: (Queasy look on his face turns even more queasy; then without a backwards look runs out of the room to the nearest toilet with the new plumbing, one might add)
Turel: Maybe someone might want to hold his hair up out of his face while he's throwing up?
Rahab: (Shaking his head) It wouldn't be such a good idea. What happens if -
Dumah: SHUT UP! Everyone pay attention to me, the savior of all Meridian! (Turns to the Sarafan Lord) All right, what I need is a suit of armour -- maybe like yours -- a helmet -- like yours -- and a purple cape -- just like YOURS!! And I want the Soul Reaver, too.
Sarafan Lord: I'm not giving you my armour! And I will not give you my sword.
Sebastian: Milord, I believe it would be in the best interest that you did give this vampire all he's asking for. He is willing to slay the dragon, for free I might add, and we all know that if it's for free then one doesn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Zephon: A gift horse? Where?
Melchiah: An actual horse with a gift in its mouth? (Whips out a camera) I have to take a picture of it. It'll complete my series of pictures like 'Jumbo shrimp' and 'Signs with Hilarious Names On Them'.
Marcus: (Deadpan) And besides, Dumah seems to be the only one who is able to keep his mind on the plot at this moment.
Sarafan Lord: Fine. But he still can't hold the Soul Reaver; I have a warranty on this thing, you know?
So the Sarafan Lord did what Dumah asked, giving him a whole set of golden armour which wasn't cheap one might add, a helm just like his own which Dumah isn't wearing but that doesn't matter and a purple cape that billowed out dramatically behind the vampire lord, even if there was no opened window in which the wind could come through. So the Lieutenants (Rahab and Zephon dragging behind them a Raziel holding on to a full length golden mirror that he got from the treasury), the Sarafan Lord, Sebastian, Marcus and a not so queasy looking Faustus made their way to the main gates of Meridian, where the sinister dragon that loved to torch stuff and make the popular Self Combustion Theory come to life as well as many other things was waiting for the challenger. The dragon knew there was a challenger because someone in Meridian was actual smart or stupid enough to send a message to the dragon and then get eaten themselves but once again this is going off onto a tangent and we need to get back to the loose story and plot in general. The dragon was hidden from view at the moment, but did this matter to Dumah?
NO, because his I.Q. is especially low even by vampire standards, which is somewhere in the 20 - 50 range, so he didn't know what was about to happen, but everyone else could make a very good guess.
Sarafan Lord: (Standing just above the gates with the group, and hiding behind about 50 other Sarafan Guards) Open the gates to let the idiot -- I mean, the CHALLENGER out!
Dumah: (Standing in front of the opening gates; at least he remembered to put on his helm) I challenge you dragon! (Walks out of the gates and looks for the dragon) Where are you? Show yourself! I am invincible!
Turel: (Calling from his vantage point) Dumah, don't say that!
Dumah: What?
Turel: Don't say you're invincible. You just made the second mistake in this fanfic. You never say you're invincible because when you do, something is going to happen to prove that you're weak and you'll get the crap pounded out of you!
Indeed, Turel was right! Hell, if Turel wasn't so smart then he wouldn't of been able to escape from Raziel in the first and second 'Soul Reaver' games. The gates swung shut behind Dumah, leaving him standing outside waiting for his inevitable doom. Somebody played the funeral dirge on an organ and that was when it happened. A big, black, dark, inky, ebony, murky, sable, nefarious, evil -
Everyone: Get on with the story!!!
- shadow passed over Dumah. The vampire had to crouch down as the wind nearly picked him up and threw him into the canyon walls. The earth shuddered for a moment, signaling the dragon had settled down on the ground and looked at the tiny vampire standing in front of it.
Sebastian: I can't believe it!
Marcus: Who would of thought it?
Turel: Well obviously I didn't!
Rahab: This goes against all conventional thinking!
Faustus: It's so -
Melchiah: -weird. (Snapping photos of the dragon)
Zephon: Is this a conspiracy of some sort?
Sarafan Lord: I am amazed. (Everyone looks to Raziel to say his line)
Raziel: (Looking at himself in the mirror) I am indeed on hell of a sexy bitch! (Finally looks at the dragon) AHHHH!
Indeed the dragon was different from what everyone had expected.
It was cute.
It was cuddly.
It was not as long as it's shadow thought many to believe; by dragon standards this one was a little bit on the tubby side.
Its wings were small yet somehow it was able to fly with them.
The eyes, instead of being the burning evil red that all thought it to be, were in fact wide, blue and looking sweet.
And it was a fluffy pink dragon.
Dumah: (Sarcastically) This is the dragon that's burning everything to the ground? Well, it doesn't matter. Off to work I go!
And with that, Dumah charged the dragon with the trademark broadsword he carried, shouting out his battle cry. The fluffy pink dragon watched amusing as the knight raced towards it, then taking in a small breath and with a Poof! sent a small fireball that neatly toasted, but did not burn, Dumah. He stood there for a few moments, a dumb expression on his face from under the helm, and then fell back completely.
Zephon: We're all doomed.
Uh-oh, it looked like Zephon had made the third mistake in this fanfic!
Zephon: I did? (Gets whacked in the head by Rahab)
Yes, he did. See, no matter how bad it is this story could become even worse off that it already is. The pink dragon stood over the prone and smoking form of Dumah and cautiously sniffed the vampire. Dumah groaned slightly but didn't move. Then the fluffy pink dragon picked up Dumah and looked him over.
Raziel: (Screams like a girl) AHH! He's going to eat our brother!!!!
The fluffy pink dragon really did consider Raziel's words for a few moments, and then flipped off Dumah's helm to get a good look at the person before it ate them. And that was when everyone figured everything out.
Faustus: Hey, that dragon's a girl!
Sebastian: How can you tell?
Faustus: The colour, for one. But because this dragon has eyelashes and manicured nails! See?
And wouldn't you believe it, Faustus was right. This dragon did have eyelashes that did look very nice on her and claws that were painted a complimenting colour to her pink scales. But then this little pink dragon looked at Dumah, now helmless, and fell completely in love with the charred but still breathing vampire. Plucking Dumah up by the cape with her sharp teeth, the fluffy pink dragon haughtily turned her head away from Meridian, which wasn't burning as much anymore because of a storm moving in on the western front which the meteorologists had predicted; flapped her wings a few times and was airborne.
Turel: Hey, she's taking away Dumah!
Zephon: That's worse than being eaten!
Rahab: Dumah!!!!! Come back!!!
Melchiah: How can he come back? He's unconscious; he's flying, and even if he did get away from the dragon then he would fall to the ground below and become a pancake.
Rahab: Oh, just try and add some drama to this story, will you?!
Raziel: Dad's going to kill us, you all know!
Sebastian: Well, that's not our problem!
Marcus: Actually, I think it might be. Kain will accuse us of getting his sons into trouble and then he'll come after us.
Faustus: Which Kain?
Marcus: Does it really matter at this point in time?
Faustus: No.
Turel: We need to get our brother back! Quick, everyone into the Chronoplast chamber!
Rahab: Why?
Turel: Because we'll just set the coordinates back in time before we came here, then Dumah will have never been taken away and therefore dad will not kick our butts.
Zephon: Nah, that's too complex. We'll just go back even further in time, grab Janos Audron before he was killed and bring him back here and he'll save Dumah.
Melchiah: Yeah, that might work.
Sarafan Lord: But that's even more complex than the idea that Turel gave you all!
Sebastian: Not with their 'I'm 1,000 Years In The Future' thinking!
Raziel: Hey, isn't it supposed to be that Janos Audron is still alive in this time?
Sarafan Lord: (Sweating) I have NO idea what you are all talking about!
Turel: Everyone to the Chronoplast chamber! AWAY!!!!
And with that the five Lieutenants, Raziel still holding onto his golden full length mirror, rushed back through the no longer burning streets of Meridian to the Time Streaming device while at the same time not trying to get hit by the rain. Unfortunately, they completely forgot about the older Kain being stuck in Meridian at this time, but hey, we'll come back to this little problem in a bit.
Sarafan Lord: I sure hope so.