So the Lieutenants, in all their intellectual glory, messed around with the
Chronoplast chamber again and set it back about 500 more years in time, to
before the collapse of the Pillars and when the Pillar Guardian were still
enjoying their discounts over at the Suzy Spa House and getting free meals
from everyone they met on the street. All five leapt into the weird blue
light, hoping that they would all land where they were suppose to land.
Raziel was, of course, still holding onto his precious golden full-length
mirror, but unfortunately when they came out of the chamber, the Lieutenant
lost his delicate hold on it and it broke.
Raziel: (Sobbing loudly) NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Melchiah: Would you stop that? You crying over your mirrors is so two chapters old already!
Rahab: But it shows just was a self-absorbed, egotistical bastard Raziel really is.
Turel looked around the Chronoplast chamber and opened the door so that the five of them could leave. Rahab had to console a still very sad Raziel but it looked like he would get over it within the next two hours, hopefully. The five brothers stood in one of the massive hallways in the Sarafan Fortress, which wasn't a very good place to be in at the moment if you were a vampire, which they indeed were, but they didn't care to go on this little line of logic. After purchasing a Map of Nosgoth at the local Tourist Booth, the brothers decided upon their next move.
Zephon: So does anyone know where we have to go exactly?
Melchiah: Not really. I never actually thought we would be doing something like this. We're five hundred years too early in this time, and a thousand more considering our real time that we come from. We have never been here before.
Raziel: Yes, we have.
Turel: When?
Raziel: When we were still humans and Sarafan warlords. Before Kain resurrected us as vampires.
Rahab: (Somewhat stunned) Dear God Raziel, that's brilliant thinking. But how did you know all of that? You're just the handsome bimbo in this story.
Raziel pulled out the complete strategy guide of 'Soul Reaver' 1 and 2, showing them to his brothers and pointing out the whole plotline. After this was all said and done, the Lieutenants couldn't really say anything on the matter, except Zephon. He of course always had something to say.
Zephon: It's a conspiracy!
Turel: No more X-Files for you, damnit! Look all we need is to get to Ulshciis---Ulrich---Ulsstimenn---the place where Janos lives with the unpronounceable German name that can't even be spelt right by the author of this fanfic, right? We grab him, bring Janos back here, and go into time again, save Dumah, and then we go home with him.
Rahab: Sounds like a good plan.
Suddenly around the corner came the six Sarafan warlords who also went by the names of Raziel, Turel, Dumah, Rahab, Melchiah and Zephon. The two groups looked at each other, stares were exchanged and then the dam broke.
Sarafan Raziel: Hey, that guy looks just like me, only a little bit more handsome. I cannot stand having someone as well dressed or more beautiful than me running around. (Takes out his sword) I will kill you!
Raziel: (Deadpan) Run.
And indeed the five Lieutenants ran with their human counterparts chasing after them. If this somehow creates a change in history then it will not be mentioned but either way if one were to see another one of themselves from another point of time then I suppose a change in history would be called, but this will now go unmentioned. So the vampires fled down the hallways as quickly as possible with the Sarafan chasing behind them and swearing loudly and verbally, learning it from the cassette tapes they bought off the internet which were called 'Learn How To Swear Like A Pro' and only $5.99 each; a real bargain.
Turel: Down this hall. (Points to a hall to his right)
They all turned down that hallway and for some reason their Sarafan counterparts were already there.
Sarafan Turel: How dare you mock my voice, imposter! I will kill you! And even if our facial structure is somewhat similar, I do not have pointed ears and by every right they should not be that big.
Turel: Hey, lay off of me, I've had a rough day.
Sarafan Zephon: It's a conspiracy, I tell you people. They are exactly like us in every way, voices and even the way they hold themselves.
Rahab: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! (Points to Zephon) He's just like you, before you became a vampire! The interests haven't changed at all!
Sarafan Rahab: (To Sarafan Zephon) That's it, no more Y-Files for you, Zephon!
While all this pointless bickering and arguing is taking place, Melchiah (the vampire) has edged his way over to another hallway and began running down it. This is unhighly Melchiah-like; if anything Melchiah is the last one left behind to suffer a cruel fate at the hands of his captives, like the time they left him with Jehovah's Witnesses for over three hours and only went back get him because he held the combination to Kain's secret stash.
Rahab: (Whispering to Turel) What should we do?
Turel: I know! I have hit upon a brilliant idea.
Sarafan Turel: Is this where you will try and give us all wedgies and then bash our heads in with our weapons?
Turel: --Maybe.
Sarafan Dumah: Because we thought of that first!
Raziel: Oh, poor Dumah. Just hearing you makes me think of our brother Dumah, taking by a fluffy pink dragon to become some sort of husband, one would assume.
Sarafan Dumah: What?
Even in his life as a human, Dumah still didn't have an exceptionally high I.Q. But then what Raziel was saying to him didn't make much sense because he didn't know what the future held for him come the next (begins to do the math) next 400 to 500 years.
Sarafan Rahab: Enough of this pointless chatter and hopelessly impossible mathematical equations about time/space and matter. Let us be done with these vampires. Kill them all!
So the Sarafan warlords charged down the corridor towards the vampires when suddenly Melchiah rounded the corner in a sleek F-1 racing car, painted yellow of course, and raced the Sarafan down. Then he backed over them to make sure they were indeed dead, and drove over them a couple more times just to make sure that they were really, really, really, really dead, since in the Nosgoth world people who you think are dead actually come back many, many times.
Zephon: Where did you get the car?
Melchiah: I rented it from the shop just outside the fortress.
Rahab: Oh. Will we be able to get some?
Melchiah: Sure. Follow me.
So the vampires followed Melchiah outside the fortress, leaving the bodies of the Sarafan warlords behind to be entombed whenever someone stumbled over the horribly, horribly mangled bodies. Of course, before Raziel actually left the fortress, he snuck back over to his Sarafan self, and rifled though the pockets until he came across a mirror. Immensely pleased with himself, he added some more black lipstick and continued on his way. The Lieutenants rented the F-1 racing cars from the shop just outside the fortress, which was runned by Azimuth and Anacrothe.
Turel: Why is that?
Azimuth: Because being a Pillar Guardian only pays so much. We need more income.
Anacrothe: Yeah, and it's been a passion of ours to grow and raise racing cars for a long time.
Zephon: But they're pieces of metal. So how can you grow them?
Azimuth and Anacrothe declined to tell the group exactly how F-1 racing cars were grown in Nosgoth, but they could guess it had something to do with the stork, the Pillars and oil. They rented their racing cars, all colour coded of course, then headed off down the road to Ullshi---Ulmiki--- Ustrick---
Lieutenants: Get off of it already!
They headed off to the town with the unpronounceable name where Janos was living, which also boasted an 18 hole golf course, a mini putt, a chess championship, ice skating when it was cold enough for the lake to freeze and even a cinema.
Turel: Sweet! And now there will be nothing to stop us from saving Dumah.
Tut tut, Turel. You made the fourth mistake in this fanfic.
Rahab: (Ramming his car into Turel's) Idiot!
Turel: What mistake did I make? Was it similar to number three?
No, number three is when you say *flips back a few pages* nothing worse could happen but then something does. Number four is when something will automatically stop you from reaching your goal because you became overconfident in your abilities to save your brother.
Melchiah: We're doomed!
Damn straight! And since you guys really don't know where to go without the map, which Zephon bought for about 50 cents, you'll be aimlessly wandering around for hours.
Zephon: I still have the map! (Holding it above his head)
And the map was suddenly caught by a fierce wind, which blew it clear across the fields, mountains, lakes and rivers of Nosgoth until it floated out across the ocean and headed towards the land of lost maps, all the while shouting 'I'm free, free!'
Raziel: (Bashing his car into Zephon's) Jackass!
Now we will turn our attentions back towards the two Kain's who are in the Meridian sewer systems at the moment, vainly looking for the Soul Reaver.
Raziel: Hey, you can't leave us high and dry here! People will want to know what's going to happen to us!
Melchiah: Yeah, seriously!
Too bad. The Lieutenants began to scream and yell as they continued to drive away, the screen fading out from them and leaving a To Be Continued sign floating in the darkness.
* * * *
Both Kain's were walking down the stinky, slimy, pus and garbage ridden filled (not to mention the rats) sewers of Meridian, which had not been cleaned in a long time because of the Sewer System Clean Crew because they were on strike, hoping for better benefits and shorter hours, not to mention a decent dental plan. The younger Kain was bragging on and on to the older Kain about his achievements, which was nothing new to the older Kain because he had already done all of those things that the younger version of him was talking about, even if he could not remember getting drunk a couple of times and dressing up as a girl or can-caning around the Pillars while they fell. Ah, age makes you forget many things-
Kain: Sorry to interrupt, but could we stop the reminiscing and get on to the actual loose plot? I'd like to find the Soul Reaver from the future and get the hell out of here.
Younger Kain: Wait! You mean after we find the sword I have to give it back to you?
Kain: Yes, you do. Your sword is still with the Sarafan Lord and you need to get it from him while the one in the sewers is mine from the future. It will create a big paradox is the Soul Reaver's meet up, like the time in 'Soul Reaver 2'.
Younger Kain: I'm confused.
Kain: You'll understand in about the next 2 millenniums. Until that time, we must find the sword.
Younger Kain: There it is! (Points ahead of him and jumps up and down)
Kain: Hey, that mouse has it!
Indeed, a mouse did have the Soul Reaver. Even if the sword was 10 times the size and weight of the mouse, it was somehow managing to drag it away. But this was not just any mouse from any sewer. This was the Mr. Whispers mouse, which was introduced back in chapter 1.
Kain: Oh come off of it already.
Both Kain's began to chase after Mr. Whispers, who was frantically dragging the Soul Reaver away as fast as possible, holding the pommel of the sword in it's cute little mouth and putting one little paw in front of the other, determined to go on and-
Younger Kain: We didn't ask for any drama!
Kain: So cut it out.
But drama is needed. Mr. Whispers squeaked as both the vampires towered over her, now sure that she would never get away.
Kain: You have that right, mouse.
But Mr. Whispers had come from the Canyons of Meridian, which was a place to very old and ancient traditions. All the whispering mice of the Canyons, from a very early age, learned the skills of Squeaky Squeak Nanana, which is their own mouse form of self-defense.
Younger Kain: That is so cheesy. How the hell does a mouse know kung fu? I ask the question again: How does a mouse know kung fu?
The older Kain tried to clamp a hand down on the younger Kain's mouth, but Mr. Whispers had heard the younger Kain ask just how a mouse did know kung fu and she would show him. Dropping the Soul Reaver, the whispering mouse stood up on her hind legs and made a miniature karate yell. Then, in a blur of blue fur and big ears, she proceeded to kick the younger Kain's butt via moves from the 'Matrix' a movie that had been playing at the local Meridian cinema before the dragon burned that down as well.
Younger Kain: Ouch that- (Getting hit in the head) hurts like a bitch! Kain- -- (Gets a double kick in the knee) help your younger self!
The older and not as handsome Kain considered this carefully. Did he really want to help himself when he was younger; being beaten up on a mouse like this?
Kain: I don't think so. (Grabs the Soul Reaver) I have what I came for, and the younger me will learn a lesson in not angering the narrator of the story. Toddles!
With that said and done, the older Kain swung the Soul Reaver over his shoulder, cutting himself with the blade and began to walk back down the sewer system to the open manhole where he first came in. But the younger Kain would have his revenge against the older version of himself; it was just the way he was, after all. Grabbing Mr. Whispers by the tail, the younger Kain whirled the mouse over his head and sent her spinning and flying down the sewer tunnel. She nearly hit the wall, but thanks to the small parachute she had equipped before take-off, she opened it and coasted gently to the ground, then went on her way back to the Sarafan Fortress to tell Marcus everything that had happened.
Younger Kain: Kain, come back here and let me beat the stuffing out of you.
Kain: (Running away in a not so heroic fashion) I think not!
So the two began to run around the sewer system, crashing in walls, pipes and gratings. Some pipe that the younger Kain shredded actually controlled the water pressure to the church in the Upper City and the holy water went missing, resulting in the babies being unable to be baptized and turned them into little demons. The older Kain messed around with a few pressure handles, causing steam to shoot out and hit the younger him, burning a lovely scar across his pale white chest and which also incidentally turned off all the heat in the Slums and Den of Meridian, as well as the Glyph energy.
Faustus, who was watching WWF at the moment on his television with the quality surround sound, lost the picture and started ranting and raving, throwing his TV out the window where it hit two thieves beating up on an older man. The older man considered this a miracle, never knowing that it was not an angel who saved him but an angry vampire who got his TV cable cut out because of two other angry vampires trying to rule the world in the sewers below. But that's once again beside the whole point.
Now somehow or someway that will also not be explained, both Kain's continued down the network of pipes and tunnels and then exited, not ending up in Meridian but outside the city itself. Now the younger Kain had at this time pried up a massive boulder and was about to throw it at the older version of himself, but that was when the demon swooped down and began to attack the younger and more handsome version of Kain.
Younger Kain: Ahh, help me! Help me!!!!!
The other Kain knew that he couldn't let the younger version of himself get injured or die in this time, so he swallowed his massive pride and inflated ego and helped out the younger version of himself. Which meant Kain had to take the Soul Reaver and destroy the demon, which took too long for him to kill in his opinion. But either way the deed was done and the younger Kain was saved from the demon, which turned out to be a hybrid between some sort of invisible white bunny and a skeleton.
Kain: How does that work out?
You got me. I just write this stuff.
Younger Kain: You saved my life. I owe you.
Kain: Oh dear, don't get mushy on me. You better not.
Younger Kain: (Grins) I meant like this!
And the younger Kain picked up his rock and bashed the older Kain over the head with it, effectively knocking the vampire emperor out stone cold on the ground, unable to move, somewhere far off in la-la land. And then Kain took off once again to the middle of nowhere (reference to the Middle of Nowhere found in chapter 2) and leaving himself behind. The older Kain looked like he would not wake up for a long time in the Canyons, which was filled with demons and other horrible things, like vacuum cleaner salesmen, but we will end the chapter here in the knowledge that Kain is in trouble, the Lieutenants are going to be in some form of trouble later down the line, and that Dumah hasn't been rescued yet and is most likely unconscious.
* * * *
Raziel: (Sobbing loudly) NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Melchiah: Would you stop that? You crying over your mirrors is so two chapters old already!
Rahab: But it shows just was a self-absorbed, egotistical bastard Raziel really is.
Turel looked around the Chronoplast chamber and opened the door so that the five of them could leave. Rahab had to console a still very sad Raziel but it looked like he would get over it within the next two hours, hopefully. The five brothers stood in one of the massive hallways in the Sarafan Fortress, which wasn't a very good place to be in at the moment if you were a vampire, which they indeed were, but they didn't care to go on this little line of logic. After purchasing a Map of Nosgoth at the local Tourist Booth, the brothers decided upon their next move.
Zephon: So does anyone know where we have to go exactly?
Melchiah: Not really. I never actually thought we would be doing something like this. We're five hundred years too early in this time, and a thousand more considering our real time that we come from. We have never been here before.
Raziel: Yes, we have.
Turel: When?
Raziel: When we were still humans and Sarafan warlords. Before Kain resurrected us as vampires.
Rahab: (Somewhat stunned) Dear God Raziel, that's brilliant thinking. But how did you know all of that? You're just the handsome bimbo in this story.
Raziel pulled out the complete strategy guide of 'Soul Reaver' 1 and 2, showing them to his brothers and pointing out the whole plotline. After this was all said and done, the Lieutenants couldn't really say anything on the matter, except Zephon. He of course always had something to say.
Zephon: It's a conspiracy!
Turel: No more X-Files for you, damnit! Look all we need is to get to Ulshciis---Ulrich---Ulsstimenn---the place where Janos lives with the unpronounceable German name that can't even be spelt right by the author of this fanfic, right? We grab him, bring Janos back here, and go into time again, save Dumah, and then we go home with him.
Rahab: Sounds like a good plan.
Suddenly around the corner came the six Sarafan warlords who also went by the names of Raziel, Turel, Dumah, Rahab, Melchiah and Zephon. The two groups looked at each other, stares were exchanged and then the dam broke.
Sarafan Raziel: Hey, that guy looks just like me, only a little bit more handsome. I cannot stand having someone as well dressed or more beautiful than me running around. (Takes out his sword) I will kill you!
Raziel: (Deadpan) Run.
And indeed the five Lieutenants ran with their human counterparts chasing after them. If this somehow creates a change in history then it will not be mentioned but either way if one were to see another one of themselves from another point of time then I suppose a change in history would be called, but this will now go unmentioned. So the vampires fled down the hallways as quickly as possible with the Sarafan chasing behind them and swearing loudly and verbally, learning it from the cassette tapes they bought off the internet which were called 'Learn How To Swear Like A Pro' and only $5.99 each; a real bargain.
Turel: Down this hall. (Points to a hall to his right)
They all turned down that hallway and for some reason their Sarafan counterparts were already there.
Sarafan Turel: How dare you mock my voice, imposter! I will kill you! And even if our facial structure is somewhat similar, I do not have pointed ears and by every right they should not be that big.
Turel: Hey, lay off of me, I've had a rough day.
Sarafan Zephon: It's a conspiracy, I tell you people. They are exactly like us in every way, voices and even the way they hold themselves.
Rahab: SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! (Points to Zephon) He's just like you, before you became a vampire! The interests haven't changed at all!
Sarafan Rahab: (To Sarafan Zephon) That's it, no more Y-Files for you, Zephon!
While all this pointless bickering and arguing is taking place, Melchiah (the vampire) has edged his way over to another hallway and began running down it. This is unhighly Melchiah-like; if anything Melchiah is the last one left behind to suffer a cruel fate at the hands of his captives, like the time they left him with Jehovah's Witnesses for over three hours and only went back get him because he held the combination to Kain's secret stash.
Rahab: (Whispering to Turel) What should we do?
Turel: I know! I have hit upon a brilliant idea.
Sarafan Turel: Is this where you will try and give us all wedgies and then bash our heads in with our weapons?
Turel: --Maybe.
Sarafan Dumah: Because we thought of that first!
Raziel: Oh, poor Dumah. Just hearing you makes me think of our brother Dumah, taking by a fluffy pink dragon to become some sort of husband, one would assume.
Sarafan Dumah: What?
Even in his life as a human, Dumah still didn't have an exceptionally high I.Q. But then what Raziel was saying to him didn't make much sense because he didn't know what the future held for him come the next (begins to do the math) next 400 to 500 years.
Sarafan Rahab: Enough of this pointless chatter and hopelessly impossible mathematical equations about time/space and matter. Let us be done with these vampires. Kill them all!
So the Sarafan warlords charged down the corridor towards the vampires when suddenly Melchiah rounded the corner in a sleek F-1 racing car, painted yellow of course, and raced the Sarafan down. Then he backed over them to make sure they were indeed dead, and drove over them a couple more times just to make sure that they were really, really, really, really dead, since in the Nosgoth world people who you think are dead actually come back many, many times.
Zephon: Where did you get the car?
Melchiah: I rented it from the shop just outside the fortress.
Rahab: Oh. Will we be able to get some?
Melchiah: Sure. Follow me.
So the vampires followed Melchiah outside the fortress, leaving the bodies of the Sarafan warlords behind to be entombed whenever someone stumbled over the horribly, horribly mangled bodies. Of course, before Raziel actually left the fortress, he snuck back over to his Sarafan self, and rifled though the pockets until he came across a mirror. Immensely pleased with himself, he added some more black lipstick and continued on his way. The Lieutenants rented the F-1 racing cars from the shop just outside the fortress, which was runned by Azimuth and Anacrothe.
Turel: Why is that?
Azimuth: Because being a Pillar Guardian only pays so much. We need more income.
Anacrothe: Yeah, and it's been a passion of ours to grow and raise racing cars for a long time.
Zephon: But they're pieces of metal. So how can you grow them?
Azimuth and Anacrothe declined to tell the group exactly how F-1 racing cars were grown in Nosgoth, but they could guess it had something to do with the stork, the Pillars and oil. They rented their racing cars, all colour coded of course, then headed off down the road to Ullshi---Ulmiki--- Ustrick---
Lieutenants: Get off of it already!
They headed off to the town with the unpronounceable name where Janos was living, which also boasted an 18 hole golf course, a mini putt, a chess championship, ice skating when it was cold enough for the lake to freeze and even a cinema.
Turel: Sweet! And now there will be nothing to stop us from saving Dumah.
Tut tut, Turel. You made the fourth mistake in this fanfic.
Rahab: (Ramming his car into Turel's) Idiot!
Turel: What mistake did I make? Was it similar to number three?
No, number three is when you say *flips back a few pages* nothing worse could happen but then something does. Number four is when something will automatically stop you from reaching your goal because you became overconfident in your abilities to save your brother.
Melchiah: We're doomed!
Damn straight! And since you guys really don't know where to go without the map, which Zephon bought for about 50 cents, you'll be aimlessly wandering around for hours.
Zephon: I still have the map! (Holding it above his head)
And the map was suddenly caught by a fierce wind, which blew it clear across the fields, mountains, lakes and rivers of Nosgoth until it floated out across the ocean and headed towards the land of lost maps, all the while shouting 'I'm free, free!'
Raziel: (Bashing his car into Zephon's) Jackass!
Now we will turn our attentions back towards the two Kain's who are in the Meridian sewer systems at the moment, vainly looking for the Soul Reaver.
Raziel: Hey, you can't leave us high and dry here! People will want to know what's going to happen to us!
Melchiah: Yeah, seriously!
Too bad. The Lieutenants began to scream and yell as they continued to drive away, the screen fading out from them and leaving a To Be Continued sign floating in the darkness.
* * * *
Both Kain's were walking down the stinky, slimy, pus and garbage ridden filled (not to mention the rats) sewers of Meridian, which had not been cleaned in a long time because of the Sewer System Clean Crew because they were on strike, hoping for better benefits and shorter hours, not to mention a decent dental plan. The younger Kain was bragging on and on to the older Kain about his achievements, which was nothing new to the older Kain because he had already done all of those things that the younger version of him was talking about, even if he could not remember getting drunk a couple of times and dressing up as a girl or can-caning around the Pillars while they fell. Ah, age makes you forget many things-
Kain: Sorry to interrupt, but could we stop the reminiscing and get on to the actual loose plot? I'd like to find the Soul Reaver from the future and get the hell out of here.
Younger Kain: Wait! You mean after we find the sword I have to give it back to you?
Kain: Yes, you do. Your sword is still with the Sarafan Lord and you need to get it from him while the one in the sewers is mine from the future. It will create a big paradox is the Soul Reaver's meet up, like the time in 'Soul Reaver 2'.
Younger Kain: I'm confused.
Kain: You'll understand in about the next 2 millenniums. Until that time, we must find the sword.
Younger Kain: There it is! (Points ahead of him and jumps up and down)
Kain: Hey, that mouse has it!
Indeed, a mouse did have the Soul Reaver. Even if the sword was 10 times the size and weight of the mouse, it was somehow managing to drag it away. But this was not just any mouse from any sewer. This was the Mr. Whispers mouse, which was introduced back in chapter 1.
Kain: Oh come off of it already.
Both Kain's began to chase after Mr. Whispers, who was frantically dragging the Soul Reaver away as fast as possible, holding the pommel of the sword in it's cute little mouth and putting one little paw in front of the other, determined to go on and-
Younger Kain: We didn't ask for any drama!
Kain: So cut it out.
But drama is needed. Mr. Whispers squeaked as both the vampires towered over her, now sure that she would never get away.
Kain: You have that right, mouse.
But Mr. Whispers had come from the Canyons of Meridian, which was a place to very old and ancient traditions. All the whispering mice of the Canyons, from a very early age, learned the skills of Squeaky Squeak Nanana, which is their own mouse form of self-defense.
Younger Kain: That is so cheesy. How the hell does a mouse know kung fu? I ask the question again: How does a mouse know kung fu?
The older Kain tried to clamp a hand down on the younger Kain's mouth, but Mr. Whispers had heard the younger Kain ask just how a mouse did know kung fu and she would show him. Dropping the Soul Reaver, the whispering mouse stood up on her hind legs and made a miniature karate yell. Then, in a blur of blue fur and big ears, she proceeded to kick the younger Kain's butt via moves from the 'Matrix' a movie that had been playing at the local Meridian cinema before the dragon burned that down as well.
Younger Kain: Ouch that- (Getting hit in the head) hurts like a bitch! Kain- -- (Gets a double kick in the knee) help your younger self!
The older and not as handsome Kain considered this carefully. Did he really want to help himself when he was younger; being beaten up on a mouse like this?
Kain: I don't think so. (Grabs the Soul Reaver) I have what I came for, and the younger me will learn a lesson in not angering the narrator of the story. Toddles!
With that said and done, the older Kain swung the Soul Reaver over his shoulder, cutting himself with the blade and began to walk back down the sewer system to the open manhole where he first came in. But the younger Kain would have his revenge against the older version of himself; it was just the way he was, after all. Grabbing Mr. Whispers by the tail, the younger Kain whirled the mouse over his head and sent her spinning and flying down the sewer tunnel. She nearly hit the wall, but thanks to the small parachute she had equipped before take-off, she opened it and coasted gently to the ground, then went on her way back to the Sarafan Fortress to tell Marcus everything that had happened.
Younger Kain: Kain, come back here and let me beat the stuffing out of you.
Kain: (Running away in a not so heroic fashion) I think not!
So the two began to run around the sewer system, crashing in walls, pipes and gratings. Some pipe that the younger Kain shredded actually controlled the water pressure to the church in the Upper City and the holy water went missing, resulting in the babies being unable to be baptized and turned them into little demons. The older Kain messed around with a few pressure handles, causing steam to shoot out and hit the younger him, burning a lovely scar across his pale white chest and which also incidentally turned off all the heat in the Slums and Den of Meridian, as well as the Glyph energy.
Faustus, who was watching WWF at the moment on his television with the quality surround sound, lost the picture and started ranting and raving, throwing his TV out the window where it hit two thieves beating up on an older man. The older man considered this a miracle, never knowing that it was not an angel who saved him but an angry vampire who got his TV cable cut out because of two other angry vampires trying to rule the world in the sewers below. But that's once again beside the whole point.
Now somehow or someway that will also not be explained, both Kain's continued down the network of pipes and tunnels and then exited, not ending up in Meridian but outside the city itself. Now the younger Kain had at this time pried up a massive boulder and was about to throw it at the older version of himself, but that was when the demon swooped down and began to attack the younger and more handsome version of Kain.
Younger Kain: Ahh, help me! Help me!!!!!
The other Kain knew that he couldn't let the younger version of himself get injured or die in this time, so he swallowed his massive pride and inflated ego and helped out the younger version of himself. Which meant Kain had to take the Soul Reaver and destroy the demon, which took too long for him to kill in his opinion. But either way the deed was done and the younger Kain was saved from the demon, which turned out to be a hybrid between some sort of invisible white bunny and a skeleton.
Kain: How does that work out?
You got me. I just write this stuff.
Younger Kain: You saved my life. I owe you.
Kain: Oh dear, don't get mushy on me. You better not.
Younger Kain: (Grins) I meant like this!
And the younger Kain picked up his rock and bashed the older Kain over the head with it, effectively knocking the vampire emperor out stone cold on the ground, unable to move, somewhere far off in la-la land. And then Kain took off once again to the middle of nowhere (reference to the Middle of Nowhere found in chapter 2) and leaving himself behind. The older Kain looked like he would not wake up for a long time in the Canyons, which was filled with demons and other horrible things, like vacuum cleaner salesmen, but we will end the chapter here in the knowledge that Kain is in trouble, the Lieutenants are going to be in some form of trouble later down the line, and that Dumah hasn't been rescued yet and is most likely unconscious.
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