DHA is sitting down in the middle of a darkened library, like something off
of a Sherlock Holmes movie, at a desk with her feet propped up and a large
book in her hands. She studiously fixes up her glasses and looks at the
readers.
DHA: Hello people. This is an intermission by the by, in case you people don't know. (Closes the book) Now, where were we last in this messed up story? (Opens up the book again, leafs through it, then closes it again) Oh yeah. The Lieutenants are in the past, past of Nosgoth, Dumah has been carted off by the fluffy pink dragon who has fallen in love with him - and he doesn't know it yet, the younger Kain is heading off to the middle of nowhere and the older Kain is knocked out in the Canyons. (Gets up and looks out the window, where a group of people are playing a massive game of chess, then looks at the readers) Well, I believe that brings us up to date, I think. Bah, not that I care to look things over intently, I rarely do.
Goes back over to the desk and sits down, then gives something of a scream/yell as the chair collapses underneath her. In the dark corners of the room, snickering is heard.
DHA: (Getting up woozily) And now.without further - (holds up a piece of the broken chair) - the 4th chapter of - (throws the wood into the darkness and hits the person on the head) - 'Days of Insanity'. Someone please call the chiropractor. I'm hurt, very badly.
* * * *
Dumah had seen a bunch of weird things in his life. Hell, if he was to think back really, really, really hard, he could remember when he started out as a fledgling. Of course, those memories he did not want to remember he always remembered and the important stuff was always forgotten. Dumah recalled when he walked in on Raziel playing computer games then having his older brother beg him not to tell anyone because then everyone would consider Raziel a geek, or the time he came across the Zephonim Clan all play-acting to the X-Files (Zephon as Mulder, of course) and walked straight back out only to fall into the water and realized that Rahab liked to go swimming in his birthday suit and nothing else. But the worse memory that he remembered but wished to forget (Is everyone following here? Good) was when Kain was dressed in a 17th century Frenchman costume and playing a tune on the lute for Ariel.
But what Dumah was seeing before his eyes right now was just the weirdest piece of *insert a combination of colourful swear words here* he had ever seen. The fluffy pink dragon was staring intently at him, her massive yet very cute head just inches from his own. Her eyelashes, which had been redone into a nice purple colour to match the colour of Dumah's clan cape, fluttered rapidly in front of the vampire. This of course started a small wind that swept Dumah up against the far wall and if it wasn't for the armour he was wearing, then he would have had a broken back. Wait a minute, check back on the armour!
*Rewinding sound, then a slow-mo into a stop*
Oh, Dumah's NOT wearing any armour. In fact, he's only wearing his leather pants and that's that.
Dumah: WHAT?! What happened to my armour and my sword and my helmet and everything else?
Fluffy Pink Dragon: Meow?
Dumah: (Looks warily at the dragon) Did you take my armour?
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Nods her head) Mew meow mix! (Puckers up her red lips towards Dumah)
Dumah: AH! Get away from me, I don't go for dragons! I'm a dangerous vampire lord so fear my wrath! (Swings out at the dragon and hits her on the snout)
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Begins to bawl) Meowwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
And Dumah felt very badly at that moment. He had hit an amorous fluffy pink dragon right on the snout because he was not really lashing out at her, but at the hopeless situation he was in at the moment and she was the closest thing to take the blame to.
Dumah: (Uncomfortable) That's not true!
Yes it is. Admit it Dumah, if you can't handle a situation, you react violently. Like the time you threw Melchiah out the window because he beat you at chess.
Dumah: Well look at the mess I'm in! (Shouting to be heard over the sobs of the dragon) She's got the hots for me for some reason or other, I'm a captive in this big cave without my armour (Points to the massive and dark and dreary cave then at himself) and I can't do anything about it. So yeah, maybe I do get a little violent! But not as badly as -
Then Dumah realized that the sobbing dragon was looking at him the whole time, holding a massive white lace handkerchief and blowing into it. And then he also realized that he did feel rather badly for the fluffy pink dragon. Hell, it wasn't everyday that someone carted him off as a prisoner in a form of twisted dragon/vampire love. He had honestly expected something like that to happen to Raziel, not to him. And in a sense, it was rather flattering that-
Dumah: SHUT UP! If I apologize, will you stop this whole thing?
-I can consider it.
Dumah: Good enough. (Goes up to the dragon) Look, stop crying or the Dragons Rights People will be after me.
The fluffy pink dragon wiped her eyes and looked at Dumah.
Fluffy Pink Dragon: Meow?
Dumah: Just stop crying. It's embarrassing for both you and me. Ack!
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Picks up Dumah and plants a massive kiss on him, which results in a lot of red lipstick smeared across his) Meow mew reowr mew mow!
Dumah: Okay. (Thinking to himself - an impressive feat!) At times like this I wished I listened to Rahab trying to teach me dragonese instead of lightning matchbooks instead!
The dragon moved Dumah up onto a high shelf where his armour sat, all neatly polished by the busy working bees of Nosgoth, which worked for the Fluffy Pink Dragon when they had the time, which was quite a bit because these bees aren't as busy as the 'busy bee' theory is concerned.
Dumah: Alright, my armour! (Begins to get into it) Do you have anything to eat, dragon?
The dragon considered for a moment, then turned and quickly pattered out of the cave, her little pink tail hitting a rocky outcropping on the way out and smashing it to dust. Dumah, having finished putting on his armour, seriously considered escaping which was only natural when someone was captured. But the shelf the fluffy pink dragon had put him on was a bit to high to jump or climb down and he did not want to end up smashed to bits, because then it would show he wasn't all that strong as he made himself out to be. Like the time Dumah said he could bench press an 18-wheeler, which he did, but then had to go to the emergency room in the Human Citadel because he had slipped two discs in his spine.
Dumah: Judging from the rocks, the formation of the cave and the way the wind comes in from the opening which is too far away for me to jump or reach, I would say I am on a high cliff, in the middle -- of nowhere. (A fairy comes flying by, then is grabbed by Dumah) Where am I?
Fairy: Wha?
Dumah: Look, I'm a vampire on the edge, fairy and I need to know where I am right now if you want to keep your ridiculous 'Ferngully' style wings on your back!
Fairy: Oh, okay! (Takes out a map and spreads it out on Dumah's wrist) Let's see, judging by the coordinates from the sun and moon, with the whatchamacallits with the rotation of the stars and the mystical time/matter around here in the cave, and not to mention the factoring of the wind and spirits that fly through the cave and the time I ate that really bad cheese which gave me gas for a week and killed a few dogs, I would say -- the Middle of Nowhere!
Dumah: Wha? (Trying to comprehend all of what the fairy said) There's actually a place called that?
Fairy: Yeah, and you're in the Middle of Nowhere. (Rolls up the map) Sorry I can't be of any help to you buddy. I've been trying to get out of here, too.
Dumah: -- And how long has that been?
Fairy: (Whips out a PX-556 Calculator, which is only 299$ at the local Nosgoth Dollar Store) About three hundred years, give or take a time loop or five. Later.
And with that the fairy, which was not much help to begin with and holding the expensive calculator in his hands, flew away. Dumah, feeling pissed and helpless once again, pried up a rock and chucked it at the mystical being, who was hit in the head and fell to the ground and right into an opened lava vent, screamed horribly a couple of times and then burnt up. Feeling better, Dumah?
Dumah: Yes.
Then the dragon came back, holding someone kicking and screaming like a little girl in her mouth.
Dumah: Yeah, dinner! (Licking his fangs and realizing just how hungry he is)
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Drops the 'food') Meow!
Younger Kain: (Looks at Dumah and points the Soul Reaver at him) You!
Dumah: Dad! (Thinks to himself -- wow, twice in one day, who'd of thought of this?) If I eat dad here and now, I can absorb his powers and become even stronger, so that when I leave here and head back to my original time, then I will be the strongest vampire in the land. And as a bonus point, I get the Soul Reaver. Oh yeah, it's all coming together.
Younger Kain: (Looking at the dragon) Help me get out of here and I will reward you greatly, my son-from-the-future or so it seems at this moment in time. Hey, why are you smiling like that? Stop advancing on me! I mean it stay back. I have powers. Political and sword-like powers!
The younger Kain waved the Soul Reaver at Dumah, who was advancing on him with an evil look in his eyes (which isn't hard to begin with) and his talons spread, fangs ready to rent the flesh from the younger Kain's bones, who wasn't going to look very handsome -
Younger Kain: WHAT?! You can't let this happen to me! (Starts wailing)
And now we will leave this climatic scene in favour of what is happening to the five Lieutenants at the moment.
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Trying out a wedding veil) Meow reow?
Yes, do not worry. The Dragon Infinity Chapel has been booked and as soon as Dumah is finished eating you can head over there and get the service started. And no, I don't think he realizes what's about to happen.
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Snickers evilly; joined by the narrator)
* * * *
Raziel: Insert Fire Reaver into slot and wait for the elevator to come down. Please keep your arms and legs inside the elevator at all times and hold onto the hands rails. Not responsible for accidental deaths or acts of Gods. (Measured silence) So does anyone know what the Fire Reaver is or where we can get it?
The oldest sibling turns to look at the rest of the group. They're all standing ankle deep in the snow, trying to warm up in the parkas as best as they can. Turel is wearing massive earmuffs with tiger strips on it, Rahab has about three scarves wrapped around his neck, Zephon is wearing a ski hat and goggles that he took off the last skier they passed and Melchiah has a musher's hat on his bald head. Raziel, of course, has opted to wear only the parka, which is red, because as he tried to explain to his brothers if he wanted to look cool and sexy to any passing girls, then he could not afford to dress up like a geek. But then, it was his chest that was getting frozen, not to mention his - nah, we won't write that down.
Melchiah: (Teeth chattering) I don't know what the Fire Reaver is, but as long as it's warm I'd like to be around it.
Rahab: Even if you burn up?
Melchiah: Yeah. Who's idea was it to sell off the F-1 racing cars and buy the winter gear, which by the way isn't helping and then decided that walking all the way through the snow was an enjoyable pastime to get to Janos' home?
Everyone looks at Zephon, who is flopping down in the snow and making snow angels, which somehow turn out to be snow spiders because every time Zephon tries to make a snow angel a spider form one way or another takes its place instead. Go figure, and he's not even a spider -- oops, I have said too much.
Zephon: (Gets up from the snow) What? Oh yeah, blame the little guy, huh? It's not my fault I lost the map and we wandered around in the mountains for two days. Sure, blame poor old Zephon for walking everyone but himself into the snow leopard's cave and then running away or blame me for causing the avalanche, which I did not do. I couldn't help but sneeze. If anything, blame Turel for getting us booted out of the ice rink because he wanted to test Rahab's theory that a tongue would stick to the ice; and we were having fun.
Turel: Zephon.
Zephon: What?
Turel: Shut up!
Zephon huffed and puffed, then stomped off into the deeper drifts of snow to unleash his rage against the poor Frosty the Snowman, who was half-way to the north pole but wouldn't get any further because without his head and not to mention his magic hat, Frosty is incapable of thought. But once again this is breaking away from the story. Back to what matters.
Rahab: (Fixes his glasses; glasses freeze to his talon) Damn it. So where might we come across this Fire Reaver, Raziel?
Raziel: I don't know. I just read the instructions.
Turel: Move aside. (Pushes Raziel out of the way and looks at the elevator near the Fire Reaver slot) Maybe if we mess around with it enough, something will work.
So Turel began tinkering with the Fire Reaver opening, which means he jammed his talons into it, then stomped on it, then took off his earmuffs and stuffed them into the opening which only got them ruined - a waste of 45$ in Melchiah's silent opinion - then finally screamed and ran at the Fire Reaver slot with his arms flailing through the air, bashing into it and collapsing into the snow, making a perfect snow angel.
Rahab: Give up?
Turel: Shut up. Hey, that rhymes.
Raziel: Why don't we just make a bunch of snow steps leading up to that broken balcony up there, which I am sure leads to Janos' bedroom or game room or something like that.
Melchiah: Hey, that isn't such a bad idea.
Rahab: It holds merit.
And so the four brothers set about making snow steps, even if they were of poor quality. A couple of times the steps collapsed with Rahab underneath them, but after they got him free the Lieutenants set back to working on them again. Turel had to constantly remind Raziel to not make anything extravagant, but Raziel wasn't listening. If anything, he was trying to polish the snow to make, you guessed it, a snow mirror. Melchiah, after making the 254th step and about halfway up to the broken balcony, looked around and frowned.
Melchiah: Where's Zephon? How'd he get out of this work?
Raziel: He's taking out his anger on Frosty the Snowman and the rest of Santa's Village that is around the corner. I don't think he'll be on Santa's good boy list this year.
Turel: (Looks at the destroyed village with the broken bodies of the small elves and the not so jolly but very red and bloody form of Santa, as well as the reindeer and the flaming houses) He's not there anymore.
Rahab: (Glasses have finally come off his finger and back on his nose, even if they are frozen to the skin now) So where is he? ZEPHON!
Rahab, with his shouting in the mountains surrounding Janos's fortress, started an avalanche, which was far greater than anything ever before recorded in the history of Nosgoth. The wall of snow swept down the mountains towards the fortress, took out the stairs yet somehow managed to miss the Lieutenants, and careened into the lower valleys where at the moment Moebius was learning to ski with the help of Ariel. Moebius wasn't that great a skier to begin with and dressed in the grey spandex suit, most people had purposefully injured themselves on the slope so they wouldn't see the Time Streamer's bony bottom. Most notably was the way Mortanius 'accidentally' rammed himself into the same tree truck over 23 times, making him lose consciousness and having the possibility of brain damage. So Moebius was negotiating the bunny hill as best as he could when the avalanche took him out, turning him head over heel down towards the ski lodge.
Note - Moebius required two week in intensive care in a full body cast, all the while unable to scratch himself because he was (duh) in a body cast and no one was volunteering to begin with.
But back to the story.
Turel: (Clapping his hands with a sarcastic air) Oh yes, even when Zephon isn't here he still manages to create trouble for all of us.
Melchiah: So what do we do now?
Raziel: Give up.
Rahab: No, we can't give up! We need to save Dumah!
At that moment the Fire Reaver elevator, complete with the butchered muzak theme of 'Fly Me To The Moon' comes down with Zephon and Janos on it. The fifth eldest son has a massive smug smile on his face, while Janos, dressed up in a warm furry parka, looks at the four vampires quizzically.
Janos: And these 4 were the ones who caused the damage to my Santa Village as well?
Zephon: Yeah. I tried to stop them but they wouldn't listen. They kept on beating up Santa even when he was begging them for mercy.
Janos: Dear god. (Steps off the elevator) Zephon tells me that you need my help.
Raziel: We didn't destroy the village. We didn't kill Santa. We all love Santa and the reindeer, especially Rudolph. I have a stuffy of him at home on my bed.
Melchiah: It was Zephon. Don't believe a word he says to you, ever.
Turel: Except that we really do need help from you.
Rahab: But don't listen to anything else he says. Especially about the conspiracies he believes are going on all around him.
Janos: Okkkaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy. So what do you need my help with?
Rahab quickly launched into the story of how he and his brothers found and entered the Chronoplast chamber, ended up in Meridian, explained how they lost Dumah to the dragon and then concluded that if they got the strongest and wisest vampire in the land to help them get their brother back, then there was no way they could lose. Janos, who always had a soft spot for such hard cases, readily agreed to help the brothers out.
Janos: I readily agree to help you all.
All the Lieutenants: YEAH!!!!!!!
Unfortunately this victory cheer started another avalanche, which careened down the other side of the mountain and destroyed Hash'ak'git's winter home, which was a nice and snug little cabin out in the middle of nowhere. He was baking cookies to give to the orphanage down the road when he looked out the window and saw the snow barreling towards him. So in the end, there were no cookies for the orphanage, the snug cabin with the little Christmas tree and stockings hung by the fireplace with care waiting for Santa (even if now he would never be there) were ruined, and Hash decided to plot revenge as he was sent to the same intensive care unit as Moebius and forced to listen to the old man rant and rave on and on about his itchy behind.
So off the Ancient and the five Lieutenants went, back to the Chronoplast chamber to reset time back to the not so flaming yet trying to rebuilt with minimal resources Meridian.
DHA: Hello people. This is an intermission by the by, in case you people don't know. (Closes the book) Now, where were we last in this messed up story? (Opens up the book again, leafs through it, then closes it again) Oh yeah. The Lieutenants are in the past, past of Nosgoth, Dumah has been carted off by the fluffy pink dragon who has fallen in love with him - and he doesn't know it yet, the younger Kain is heading off to the middle of nowhere and the older Kain is knocked out in the Canyons. (Gets up and looks out the window, where a group of people are playing a massive game of chess, then looks at the readers) Well, I believe that brings us up to date, I think. Bah, not that I care to look things over intently, I rarely do.
Goes back over to the desk and sits down, then gives something of a scream/yell as the chair collapses underneath her. In the dark corners of the room, snickering is heard.
DHA: (Getting up woozily) And now.without further - (holds up a piece of the broken chair) - the 4th chapter of - (throws the wood into the darkness and hits the person on the head) - 'Days of Insanity'. Someone please call the chiropractor. I'm hurt, very badly.
* * * *
Dumah had seen a bunch of weird things in his life. Hell, if he was to think back really, really, really hard, he could remember when he started out as a fledgling. Of course, those memories he did not want to remember he always remembered and the important stuff was always forgotten. Dumah recalled when he walked in on Raziel playing computer games then having his older brother beg him not to tell anyone because then everyone would consider Raziel a geek, or the time he came across the Zephonim Clan all play-acting to the X-Files (Zephon as Mulder, of course) and walked straight back out only to fall into the water and realized that Rahab liked to go swimming in his birthday suit and nothing else. But the worse memory that he remembered but wished to forget (Is everyone following here? Good) was when Kain was dressed in a 17th century Frenchman costume and playing a tune on the lute for Ariel.
But what Dumah was seeing before his eyes right now was just the weirdest piece of *insert a combination of colourful swear words here* he had ever seen. The fluffy pink dragon was staring intently at him, her massive yet very cute head just inches from his own. Her eyelashes, which had been redone into a nice purple colour to match the colour of Dumah's clan cape, fluttered rapidly in front of the vampire. This of course started a small wind that swept Dumah up against the far wall and if it wasn't for the armour he was wearing, then he would have had a broken back. Wait a minute, check back on the armour!
*Rewinding sound, then a slow-mo into a stop*
Oh, Dumah's NOT wearing any armour. In fact, he's only wearing his leather pants and that's that.
Dumah: WHAT?! What happened to my armour and my sword and my helmet and everything else?
Fluffy Pink Dragon: Meow?
Dumah: (Looks warily at the dragon) Did you take my armour?
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Nods her head) Mew meow mix! (Puckers up her red lips towards Dumah)
Dumah: AH! Get away from me, I don't go for dragons! I'm a dangerous vampire lord so fear my wrath! (Swings out at the dragon and hits her on the snout)
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Begins to bawl) Meowwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
And Dumah felt very badly at that moment. He had hit an amorous fluffy pink dragon right on the snout because he was not really lashing out at her, but at the hopeless situation he was in at the moment and she was the closest thing to take the blame to.
Dumah: (Uncomfortable) That's not true!
Yes it is. Admit it Dumah, if you can't handle a situation, you react violently. Like the time you threw Melchiah out the window because he beat you at chess.
Dumah: Well look at the mess I'm in! (Shouting to be heard over the sobs of the dragon) She's got the hots for me for some reason or other, I'm a captive in this big cave without my armour (Points to the massive and dark and dreary cave then at himself) and I can't do anything about it. So yeah, maybe I do get a little violent! But not as badly as -
Then Dumah realized that the sobbing dragon was looking at him the whole time, holding a massive white lace handkerchief and blowing into it. And then he also realized that he did feel rather badly for the fluffy pink dragon. Hell, it wasn't everyday that someone carted him off as a prisoner in a form of twisted dragon/vampire love. He had honestly expected something like that to happen to Raziel, not to him. And in a sense, it was rather flattering that-
Dumah: SHUT UP! If I apologize, will you stop this whole thing?
-I can consider it.
Dumah: Good enough. (Goes up to the dragon) Look, stop crying or the Dragons Rights People will be after me.
The fluffy pink dragon wiped her eyes and looked at Dumah.
Fluffy Pink Dragon: Meow?
Dumah: Just stop crying. It's embarrassing for both you and me. Ack!
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Picks up Dumah and plants a massive kiss on him, which results in a lot of red lipstick smeared across his) Meow mew reowr mew mow!
Dumah: Okay. (Thinking to himself - an impressive feat!) At times like this I wished I listened to Rahab trying to teach me dragonese instead of lightning matchbooks instead!
The dragon moved Dumah up onto a high shelf where his armour sat, all neatly polished by the busy working bees of Nosgoth, which worked for the Fluffy Pink Dragon when they had the time, which was quite a bit because these bees aren't as busy as the 'busy bee' theory is concerned.
Dumah: Alright, my armour! (Begins to get into it) Do you have anything to eat, dragon?
The dragon considered for a moment, then turned and quickly pattered out of the cave, her little pink tail hitting a rocky outcropping on the way out and smashing it to dust. Dumah, having finished putting on his armour, seriously considered escaping which was only natural when someone was captured. But the shelf the fluffy pink dragon had put him on was a bit to high to jump or climb down and he did not want to end up smashed to bits, because then it would show he wasn't all that strong as he made himself out to be. Like the time Dumah said he could bench press an 18-wheeler, which he did, but then had to go to the emergency room in the Human Citadel because he had slipped two discs in his spine.
Dumah: Judging from the rocks, the formation of the cave and the way the wind comes in from the opening which is too far away for me to jump or reach, I would say I am on a high cliff, in the middle -- of nowhere. (A fairy comes flying by, then is grabbed by Dumah) Where am I?
Fairy: Wha?
Dumah: Look, I'm a vampire on the edge, fairy and I need to know where I am right now if you want to keep your ridiculous 'Ferngully' style wings on your back!
Fairy: Oh, okay! (Takes out a map and spreads it out on Dumah's wrist) Let's see, judging by the coordinates from the sun and moon, with the whatchamacallits with the rotation of the stars and the mystical time/matter around here in the cave, and not to mention the factoring of the wind and spirits that fly through the cave and the time I ate that really bad cheese which gave me gas for a week and killed a few dogs, I would say -- the Middle of Nowhere!
Dumah: Wha? (Trying to comprehend all of what the fairy said) There's actually a place called that?
Fairy: Yeah, and you're in the Middle of Nowhere. (Rolls up the map) Sorry I can't be of any help to you buddy. I've been trying to get out of here, too.
Dumah: -- And how long has that been?
Fairy: (Whips out a PX-556 Calculator, which is only 299$ at the local Nosgoth Dollar Store) About three hundred years, give or take a time loop or five. Later.
And with that the fairy, which was not much help to begin with and holding the expensive calculator in his hands, flew away. Dumah, feeling pissed and helpless once again, pried up a rock and chucked it at the mystical being, who was hit in the head and fell to the ground and right into an opened lava vent, screamed horribly a couple of times and then burnt up. Feeling better, Dumah?
Dumah: Yes.
Then the dragon came back, holding someone kicking and screaming like a little girl in her mouth.
Dumah: Yeah, dinner! (Licking his fangs and realizing just how hungry he is)
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Drops the 'food') Meow!
Younger Kain: (Looks at Dumah and points the Soul Reaver at him) You!
Dumah: Dad! (Thinks to himself -- wow, twice in one day, who'd of thought of this?) If I eat dad here and now, I can absorb his powers and become even stronger, so that when I leave here and head back to my original time, then I will be the strongest vampire in the land. And as a bonus point, I get the Soul Reaver. Oh yeah, it's all coming together.
Younger Kain: (Looking at the dragon) Help me get out of here and I will reward you greatly, my son-from-the-future or so it seems at this moment in time. Hey, why are you smiling like that? Stop advancing on me! I mean it stay back. I have powers. Political and sword-like powers!
The younger Kain waved the Soul Reaver at Dumah, who was advancing on him with an evil look in his eyes (which isn't hard to begin with) and his talons spread, fangs ready to rent the flesh from the younger Kain's bones, who wasn't going to look very handsome -
Younger Kain: WHAT?! You can't let this happen to me! (Starts wailing)
And now we will leave this climatic scene in favour of what is happening to the five Lieutenants at the moment.
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Trying out a wedding veil) Meow reow?
Yes, do not worry. The Dragon Infinity Chapel has been booked and as soon as Dumah is finished eating you can head over there and get the service started. And no, I don't think he realizes what's about to happen.
Fluffy Pink Dragon: (Snickers evilly; joined by the narrator)
* * * *
Raziel: Insert Fire Reaver into slot and wait for the elevator to come down. Please keep your arms and legs inside the elevator at all times and hold onto the hands rails. Not responsible for accidental deaths or acts of Gods. (Measured silence) So does anyone know what the Fire Reaver is or where we can get it?
The oldest sibling turns to look at the rest of the group. They're all standing ankle deep in the snow, trying to warm up in the parkas as best as they can. Turel is wearing massive earmuffs with tiger strips on it, Rahab has about three scarves wrapped around his neck, Zephon is wearing a ski hat and goggles that he took off the last skier they passed and Melchiah has a musher's hat on his bald head. Raziel, of course, has opted to wear only the parka, which is red, because as he tried to explain to his brothers if he wanted to look cool and sexy to any passing girls, then he could not afford to dress up like a geek. But then, it was his chest that was getting frozen, not to mention his - nah, we won't write that down.
Melchiah: (Teeth chattering) I don't know what the Fire Reaver is, but as long as it's warm I'd like to be around it.
Rahab: Even if you burn up?
Melchiah: Yeah. Who's idea was it to sell off the F-1 racing cars and buy the winter gear, which by the way isn't helping and then decided that walking all the way through the snow was an enjoyable pastime to get to Janos' home?
Everyone looks at Zephon, who is flopping down in the snow and making snow angels, which somehow turn out to be snow spiders because every time Zephon tries to make a snow angel a spider form one way or another takes its place instead. Go figure, and he's not even a spider -- oops, I have said too much.
Zephon: (Gets up from the snow) What? Oh yeah, blame the little guy, huh? It's not my fault I lost the map and we wandered around in the mountains for two days. Sure, blame poor old Zephon for walking everyone but himself into the snow leopard's cave and then running away or blame me for causing the avalanche, which I did not do. I couldn't help but sneeze. If anything, blame Turel for getting us booted out of the ice rink because he wanted to test Rahab's theory that a tongue would stick to the ice; and we were having fun.
Turel: Zephon.
Zephon: What?
Turel: Shut up!
Zephon huffed and puffed, then stomped off into the deeper drifts of snow to unleash his rage against the poor Frosty the Snowman, who was half-way to the north pole but wouldn't get any further because without his head and not to mention his magic hat, Frosty is incapable of thought. But once again this is breaking away from the story. Back to what matters.
Rahab: (Fixes his glasses; glasses freeze to his talon) Damn it. So where might we come across this Fire Reaver, Raziel?
Raziel: I don't know. I just read the instructions.
Turel: Move aside. (Pushes Raziel out of the way and looks at the elevator near the Fire Reaver slot) Maybe if we mess around with it enough, something will work.
So Turel began tinkering with the Fire Reaver opening, which means he jammed his talons into it, then stomped on it, then took off his earmuffs and stuffed them into the opening which only got them ruined - a waste of 45$ in Melchiah's silent opinion - then finally screamed and ran at the Fire Reaver slot with his arms flailing through the air, bashing into it and collapsing into the snow, making a perfect snow angel.
Rahab: Give up?
Turel: Shut up. Hey, that rhymes.
Raziel: Why don't we just make a bunch of snow steps leading up to that broken balcony up there, which I am sure leads to Janos' bedroom or game room or something like that.
Melchiah: Hey, that isn't such a bad idea.
Rahab: It holds merit.
And so the four brothers set about making snow steps, even if they were of poor quality. A couple of times the steps collapsed with Rahab underneath them, but after they got him free the Lieutenants set back to working on them again. Turel had to constantly remind Raziel to not make anything extravagant, but Raziel wasn't listening. If anything, he was trying to polish the snow to make, you guessed it, a snow mirror. Melchiah, after making the 254th step and about halfway up to the broken balcony, looked around and frowned.
Melchiah: Where's Zephon? How'd he get out of this work?
Raziel: He's taking out his anger on Frosty the Snowman and the rest of Santa's Village that is around the corner. I don't think he'll be on Santa's good boy list this year.
Turel: (Looks at the destroyed village with the broken bodies of the small elves and the not so jolly but very red and bloody form of Santa, as well as the reindeer and the flaming houses) He's not there anymore.
Rahab: (Glasses have finally come off his finger and back on his nose, even if they are frozen to the skin now) So where is he? ZEPHON!
Rahab, with his shouting in the mountains surrounding Janos's fortress, started an avalanche, which was far greater than anything ever before recorded in the history of Nosgoth. The wall of snow swept down the mountains towards the fortress, took out the stairs yet somehow managed to miss the Lieutenants, and careened into the lower valleys where at the moment Moebius was learning to ski with the help of Ariel. Moebius wasn't that great a skier to begin with and dressed in the grey spandex suit, most people had purposefully injured themselves on the slope so they wouldn't see the Time Streamer's bony bottom. Most notably was the way Mortanius 'accidentally' rammed himself into the same tree truck over 23 times, making him lose consciousness and having the possibility of brain damage. So Moebius was negotiating the bunny hill as best as he could when the avalanche took him out, turning him head over heel down towards the ski lodge.
Note - Moebius required two week in intensive care in a full body cast, all the while unable to scratch himself because he was (duh) in a body cast and no one was volunteering to begin with.
But back to the story.
Turel: (Clapping his hands with a sarcastic air) Oh yes, even when Zephon isn't here he still manages to create trouble for all of us.
Melchiah: So what do we do now?
Raziel: Give up.
Rahab: No, we can't give up! We need to save Dumah!
At that moment the Fire Reaver elevator, complete with the butchered muzak theme of 'Fly Me To The Moon' comes down with Zephon and Janos on it. The fifth eldest son has a massive smug smile on his face, while Janos, dressed up in a warm furry parka, looks at the four vampires quizzically.
Janos: And these 4 were the ones who caused the damage to my Santa Village as well?
Zephon: Yeah. I tried to stop them but they wouldn't listen. They kept on beating up Santa even when he was begging them for mercy.
Janos: Dear god. (Steps off the elevator) Zephon tells me that you need my help.
Raziel: We didn't destroy the village. We didn't kill Santa. We all love Santa and the reindeer, especially Rudolph. I have a stuffy of him at home on my bed.
Melchiah: It was Zephon. Don't believe a word he says to you, ever.
Turel: Except that we really do need help from you.
Rahab: But don't listen to anything else he says. Especially about the conspiracies he believes are going on all around him.
Janos: Okkkaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy. So what do you need my help with?
Rahab quickly launched into the story of how he and his brothers found and entered the Chronoplast chamber, ended up in Meridian, explained how they lost Dumah to the dragon and then concluded that if they got the strongest and wisest vampire in the land to help them get their brother back, then there was no way they could lose. Janos, who always had a soft spot for such hard cases, readily agreed to help the brothers out.
Janos: I readily agree to help you all.
All the Lieutenants: YEAH!!!!!!!
Unfortunately this victory cheer started another avalanche, which careened down the other side of the mountain and destroyed Hash'ak'git's winter home, which was a nice and snug little cabin out in the middle of nowhere. He was baking cookies to give to the orphanage down the road when he looked out the window and saw the snow barreling towards him. So in the end, there were no cookies for the orphanage, the snug cabin with the little Christmas tree and stockings hung by the fireplace with care waiting for Santa (even if now he would never be there) were ruined, and Hash decided to plot revenge as he was sent to the same intensive care unit as Moebius and forced to listen to the old man rant and rave on and on about his itchy behind.
So off the Ancient and the five Lieutenants went, back to the Chronoplast chamber to reset time back to the not so flaming yet trying to rebuilt with minimal resources Meridian.