When Kain woke up, he had the biggest headache since he could last
remember. It wasn't everyday that he was hit over the head by the younger
version of himself with a massive rock in the middle of the Canyons, and
while part of the headache was because of the rock that bopped him on the
head, the other half of the headache was because of the master vampire's
insane anger that was quickly bubbling to the surface. You could see it
with the veins that were beginning to pulse and bulge out of his forehead,
very unattractive if one might add. The moon was high in the sky and Kain
got up very slowly, the nightscape world spinning around him like the time
his sons got him very, very drunk and then stole his red Ferrari so they
could take it out for a joyride.
Kain: Where did I go off to? The younger Kain said the 'Middle of Nowhere' but I don't know where such a place could be.
Suddenly a large and massive black shadow loomed up behind the vampire. He turned quickly, claws bared. Kain would not go down without a fight, though he wished that a bunch of people would be looking at his climatic demise at the hands of whatever evil demon this Canyon had to offer. Maybe they would make a cheesy Hollywood movie or video game series about him if he were lucky. The shadow loomed even closer and closer, then a figure appeared from around the boulders and stood in front of Kain.
The man was dressed in a tweed business suit. He wore thick glasses and had his hair gelled back in a horrible 50's smile. But what set the warning bells off in Kain's head was the cheesy smile that man gave him, as well as the vacuum cleaner he held in his hands. He was one of the dangerous and insidious vacuum cleaner salesmen, native to the Canyons of Meridian and even more ferocious than Ariel when she was PMSing at the Pillars.
Salesman: Excuse me sir, if I could have a moment of your time I would like to introduce you to the Excel Marksman 2001, a vacuum cleaner than will revolutionize the world of-
Kain: (Screaming like a girl) Get away from me!!!
And with that, Kain raced down the canyon roads, pulling at his hair while still screaming like a young boy that hadn't quite hit puberty yet. Of course the vacuum cleaner salesman would not be dismissed so easily; he had been wandering the canyons for over 10 years and he wanted to make at least one sale before he was called back home. Hiking the massive machine over his shoulders, the salesman raced after Kain, all the while yelling at him about the new and improved Excel Marksman 2001.
Salesman: And it not only sucks up the dirt but it changes it into something else. You could toss a bowl of pasta onto the ground and out will pop a full course buffet! It also cleans up water spillage and other liquids; it has an auto-control so it could go around your house and be on dirt patrol while you're watching your favorite shows!!! It can also take out those annoying wine spills!! A perfect gift for the wife or that special woman in your life!
This made Kain scream even louder because when the man said wife Kain immediately thought of Ariel and how she had been nagging Kain to get a vacuum cleaner to clean up the Sanctuary because Jumbo the elephant and Eddy the anteater weren't doing their jobs very well anymore and they were getting on in years. Kain jumped across a bridge in the canyons, landing safely on the other side and cutting the ropes.
Kain: (Snickering) There we go, he can't follow me anymore.
*Imitates a buzzer* Wrong Kain!
Kain: WHAT?!!
The vacuum cleaner salesman will find a way across; he always will. He wants to make a sale and you're his victim. So I suggest you start running again. Try the middle of nowhere. It seems to be very popular of late.
Kain: Make sense, damn you!
Now because writing vacuum cleaner salesman is long and an involving process to make sure there are no spelling errors, we will now give him the name *reaches into a felt top hat like the one Frosty had; actually is the hat Frosty owed before Zephon killed him royally* Drappy.
Drappy: (Calling from across the bridge) Excuse me, potential customer. The bridge has accidentally been cut. Would you be kind enough to repair it for me so I might tell you more about the Excel Marksman 2001?
Kain would do no such thing because if you were over two thousand years old, would you make a stupid move like that? I think not. But Drappy would not be persuaded to move along so easily. He looked down at the current, shrugged his tweed shoulders and fixed up his thick glasses, and then walked down the bank and into the fast- moving current. He submerged completely and was lost from view.
Kain: He has to be dead, right? Right?
Suddenly Drappy reappeared, jumping nimbly out of the water and landing near Kain. The scary thing was he wasn't even wet.
Drappy: Sir, let me tell you for the low, low price of 450$-AHHH!!!
After shoving Drappy the vacuum cleaner salesman back into the water and watching him get pushed down stream, Kain set off running again even if he was quite tired and hadn't fed in a while; this whole experience reminded him of a triathlon of sorts. But that didn't matter for suddenly someone from the Nosgoth Bloodbank was pulling alongside Kain in a car, handed him a cup of -o blood, then with a friendly wave drove off. Kain drank the blood then splashed the rest over him and feeling re-energized, continued his way off to-
Kain: Finding the other me, beating the snot out of him, getting my Soul Reaver back and then going home in time to catch the last episode of 'ER'.
A bell rang behind Kain suddenly. And he knew, with that deep and sinking feeling in his gut, that it was none other than Drappy the salesman, back once again. How he got out of the river and got a bike and managed to carry that damned vacuum cleaner with him at the same time, no one is quite sure but suffice to say that such things are covered in the Nosgoth Human School of Annoying Salesmen. Drappy came alongside Kain and gave that cheesy smile.
Drappy: Did I forget to mention that this vacuum cleaner also has a satellite dish included with it?
Finally Kain had had enough. Anyone would after they've been though what Kain had been through, which was losing the Reaver to the younger and more handsome version of himself, then getting chased down the sewer system that wasn't very clean, having a blue mouse called Mr. Whispers nearly beating up on him, then getting clunked on the head with a huge boulder by the younger Kain and now being chased by an over-eager salesman named Drappy.
Not to mention that the leather pants Kain was wearing weren't all that clean anymore and he wanted to know exactly what his sons had been up to the whole time he was gone. So Kain kept pace besides Drappy, who was merrily cycling along besides the master vampire. Unbeknownst to Drappy but knowest to us, Kain was about the beat the *insert two colourful adjectives and one verb here; imaginations can run wild* out of him.
And that was just what he did.
Walking away from the broken, mangled, bleeding and unidentifiable body of the vacuum cleaner salesman once know as Drappy, who had pieces of the bike shoved into various orifices of his body, Kain could now continue on his way to the middle of nowhere in a vain attempt to find the younger Kain and get his Soul Reaver back. But then it began to rain.
Kain: (Unenthusiastically) Oh my. How did I know this was going to happen? Fie-diddly-dee, because this fanfic is chock full of stuff like this. (Trudging through the rain) The skin on my back is being burned, my leather pants will shrink from this rain, but am I mad? No. (Looks up at the sky) I'M PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As he was ranting on and on about the terrible predicament he was in, Kain happened to look up at one of the canyon walls. There, standing on the very edge of a plateau, made from white marble, gold, silver and with a stain glass roof and windows, was a church. The master vampire shrugged his shoulders, thinking that it was better to seek shelter in a church for the moment than get continually burned out in the rain.
Kain: (Thinking) It is better to seek shelter inside a church than to get continually burned by the rain out here.
He walked up and up the pathways that led to the church, which while on the ground and faraway appeared very small, got very big, in fact massive as he approached. Hell, it looked like it was meant for a giant or a dragon or a griffon or something else that was big and mystical. A sign written in gold outside the church proclaimed it as the 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'. A smaller billboard beside it stated:
'Today, celebrating the wedding of Fluffy Pink Dragon to ?'
Kain: What the hell? Does the groom know nothing about the ceremony he's about to attend? He has to be a real idiot or something like that; this might be one of those shotgun weddings. I'm glad I am not related to that stupid groom.
Knocking on the massive wooden door, Kain waited until it opened up. A massive fluffy golden dragon wearing spectacles looked at him.
Fluffy Golden Dragon: Oh my, you look like a drowned rat.
Kain: No, that's a drowned rat. (Points to a drowned rat beside him) I demand to be let in out of the rain. It's burning me up.
Fluffy Golden Dragon: (Sigh) Very well. (Opens up the door and lets Kain in) But we're about to have a wedding here, so I need to ask you. Are you a friend, guest or relative to the bride or groom's side?
Kain, always the quick thinker, thought quickly and gave a grin.
Kain: The groom's side of course. (Thinking to himself) Anything to be out of the rain.
The Fluffy Golden Dragon, who was also the priest of the church, beamed and patted Kain on the back with one massive paw.
Fluffy Golden Dragon: Excellent, excellent. Right this way then, please and I will show you to your seat. (Sits Kain down) The wedding will be held within two hours.
Smiling smugly to himself, Kain kicked up his cloven feet on the pew in front of him, looked over on the other side of the church where many a fluffy colourful dragons were waiting, and wondered what poor bastard was getting married today.
* * * *
Now we head off to Meridian, which was rebuilding as best as they could with the minimal resources they had with them. The reason they couldn't get any new supplies to rebuilt the Red Raven Pub, Harry the Shoemaker's shop, or even the Brothel house down the road on Skanky Street crossing over with Knicker-Knacker Road was because the Hylden, living across the ocean, wouldn't give them the supplies needed because they had cornered the market and were growing rich from the horrible capitalism they were inflicting upon the other denizens of Nosgoth. The Sarafan Lord was pissed and would have words with the Hylden later, but that doesn't matter at the moment. All you need to know is that the actual construction tools in Meridian at the moment were: 1 hammer, 32 nails (3 rusty ones included), a badly repaired cement mixed, straw in great quantities, and about 3 2x4 pieces of wood that were badly warped. And the person in charge of these tools were none other than Magnus, who had somehow gotten out of the Eternal Prison with a weekend pass which would be revoked if he went on a killing spree.
Magnus: (Singing happily if badly while sitting atop the construction pile) My stuff, my stuff, my own stuff!!!!
Now Faustus, Sebastian and Marcus had been trying, without much success for the past two days, to get the construction items from Magnus. Faustus had been burned on his butt, which was now bandaged with a silly and novelty large yellow Band-Aid, Sebastian had tried to take the tools using brute force and got whacked upside the head for it with the hammer and Marcus had tried to Charm Magnus, but since there was no brain in there to Charm, or because Magnus was so messed up in the head, it didn't work. So it had come to a standstill; 3 vampires watching and waiting for the 1 to fall asleep and then steal the stuff they needed to repair their own sections of Meridian.
Faustus: (Whispering) He hasn't fallen asleep yet, Sebastian.
Sebastian: (Bags under his eyes) I know.
Marcus: (Eyelids drooping forwards) We haven't slept in over 3 days. I'm beginning to think he's never going to fall asleep.
Sebastian: He had to! Everyone has an internal clock telling them when they go to sleep.
Faustus: Yeah, but either he's too crazy to know when to sleep or that so called clock left him a long time ago Sebastian, and relocated elsewhere.
Marcus, after brewing the 658th cup of coffee for himself (and being shaky, jittery and energetic all at the same time) downed it quickly and then looked down the road at Cal's Rifle Shop. It was an idea. Maybe he would go a purchase a rifle and 'hunting season' for a vampire called Magnus would be open. Faustus eyed Marcus and slapped him upside the head.
Faustus: Don't try it. If you shot him, it won't stop Magnus. You'll only make him angrier, like when you give Sebastian candy. Remember, it didn't make him happier, it made him hyper and go on a killing spree.
Sebastian: Oh shut up!
Faustus: It's the truth!
Sebastian: Does everyone have to know my secrets?
Marcus: Yes.
Magnus: (Still singing and clapping his hands together) I got my stuff, stuff, stuff. I got nails, I got buttons, I got a cement mixer with ice cream, I have a fluffy pink puppy named Shnookium who I-
Sebastian: Alright, forget it. I'm getting me a rifle. (Walks towards the shop)
Janos and Lieutenants appeared out of the Chronoplast chamber into the smoky and ruined streets of Meridian at the exact moment Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus opened fire on Magnus with the bazooka, rifle and the pea shooter. With a loud boom and a shriek, Magnus raced off the pile of supplies and raced madly towards the new arrivals.
Raziel: Ah! He's hideous! Like when Rahab comes out from the tanning salon!
Zephon: Actually, he looks more like Melchiah; premature balding of course but what the hell is up with the guts?
Now for some reason or another as the insane vampire called Magnus raced towards the Lieutenants, ranting and raving about his pink puppy, they didn't get out of the way. Janos did, but that was because Janos was a hell of a lot older than the Lieutenants, and therefore smarter than them. As described later by Turel to the Meridian Police Department, all he saw was a massive hulk of tortured flesh bear down on him, beat him senseless while ranting on and on about 1800 pounds of meat, and then watched the mysterious vampire escape. The police said they would look into this matter, but all they did was put up a few posters of 'Have You Seen This Vampire?' and thought no more of the matter.
Janos: So where would your brother be?
Rahab: That's a good question; we never thought of where Dumah would be.
Turel: Well, if you were a fluffy pink dragon with the hots for Dumah (shudders at the thought) where would you be?
Raziel, who had purchased a booklet of 'The Sights of Sarafan Controlled Meridian and Nosgoth in General' quickly flipped through the pages until he stopped at one. After looking at the Mirror Shop ad, which stated it was located on Mirror and Narcissistic Circle, continued to look through the booklet until he came to the ad of 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'.
Raziel: Here, people! (Shows them the ad)
Janos: (Looking it over) It would seem the most likely place, since it is the only church in all of Nosgoth that does allow dragons and other denizens to be married together. I remember going there when I was younger, to watch a wedding take place between a Hylden and a human.
The Ancient received blank looks from all the Lieutenants save Rahab. The 4th born son obviously knew something of the chapel, because even in his own timeline the chapel was no longer in the canyons, having been relocated next to the Drowned Abbey where Rahab acted as a priest to people wanting to get married. It was a favorite pastime of his; seeing the love of two beings and them being united as one to prove that love does conquer all in the end-
Melchiah: Excuse me, could we get back to the story? We all know that Rahab goes over weddings and charges a fixed hourly rate, which is all rather good but we need to go and save Dumah.
Turel: Why are you saying that? Dumah beats up on you all the time so why are you concerned for him?
Melchiah: Because at least when he beats up on me he makes sure he knows that I exist, which is better than being forgotten by the rest of you brothers.
Zephon: Oh shut up!
Melchiah: You shut up!
Zephon: You shut up!
Melchiah: Shut up!
Zephon: Shut up!
Janos: Both of you shut up or I'll rip out your throats and stretch the skin out to make drum skins, do you hear me?
The Lieutenants looked ay Janos, who looked very pissed off which was weird because Janos always looked so kind and nice. Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus meanwhile were fighting over the supplies that Magnus had vacated and succeeded in shooting each other in the butt, which of course hurt but they wouldn't say a thing.
Raziel: So how will we get to the 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'?
Turel: Simple. We take the airplane.
Janos: I could simply teleport us all there. It would save time-
Turel: We're taking the airplane!
And with that, the Lieutenants rushed off to the Meridian airport, which somehow wasn't burnt to the ground when the dragon attacked, and booked tickets for the next flight to the chapel, which was in five minutes. Now only three Lieutenants got first class seats, leaving Janos and the other two to fly in steerage with the Meridian Circus Troupe, but we don't need to go into detail over who was pampered and who wasn't.
Rahab: Yes, we do.
No, we don't.
Rahab: Yes, we do!
No, we don't. Now shut up and enjoy your chicken head. And somewhere else, namely the cave belonging to the Fluffy Pink Dragon in the Middle of Nowhere, Dumah and the younger Kain (who hadn't been killed or eaten yet) were both being carted off to the chapel, one to be the official witness to the marriage and the other one to be the unknowing groom to him but we the knowing audience know what to expect from the unknowing groom when the next known scene comes into existence.
And in the Canyons of Meridian, the corpse of Drappy was being eaten by the vultures, who had brought along ketchup to mask the scent of death and rot and all the other unpleasantness of it all. Next time, they're going out to the 9 Pillars' Buffet Lunch.
* * * *
Kain: Where did I go off to? The younger Kain said the 'Middle of Nowhere' but I don't know where such a place could be.
Suddenly a large and massive black shadow loomed up behind the vampire. He turned quickly, claws bared. Kain would not go down without a fight, though he wished that a bunch of people would be looking at his climatic demise at the hands of whatever evil demon this Canyon had to offer. Maybe they would make a cheesy Hollywood movie or video game series about him if he were lucky. The shadow loomed even closer and closer, then a figure appeared from around the boulders and stood in front of Kain.
The man was dressed in a tweed business suit. He wore thick glasses and had his hair gelled back in a horrible 50's smile. But what set the warning bells off in Kain's head was the cheesy smile that man gave him, as well as the vacuum cleaner he held in his hands. He was one of the dangerous and insidious vacuum cleaner salesmen, native to the Canyons of Meridian and even more ferocious than Ariel when she was PMSing at the Pillars.
Salesman: Excuse me sir, if I could have a moment of your time I would like to introduce you to the Excel Marksman 2001, a vacuum cleaner than will revolutionize the world of-
Kain: (Screaming like a girl) Get away from me!!!
And with that, Kain raced down the canyon roads, pulling at his hair while still screaming like a young boy that hadn't quite hit puberty yet. Of course the vacuum cleaner salesman would not be dismissed so easily; he had been wandering the canyons for over 10 years and he wanted to make at least one sale before he was called back home. Hiking the massive machine over his shoulders, the salesman raced after Kain, all the while yelling at him about the new and improved Excel Marksman 2001.
Salesman: And it not only sucks up the dirt but it changes it into something else. You could toss a bowl of pasta onto the ground and out will pop a full course buffet! It also cleans up water spillage and other liquids; it has an auto-control so it could go around your house and be on dirt patrol while you're watching your favorite shows!!! It can also take out those annoying wine spills!! A perfect gift for the wife or that special woman in your life!
This made Kain scream even louder because when the man said wife Kain immediately thought of Ariel and how she had been nagging Kain to get a vacuum cleaner to clean up the Sanctuary because Jumbo the elephant and Eddy the anteater weren't doing their jobs very well anymore and they were getting on in years. Kain jumped across a bridge in the canyons, landing safely on the other side and cutting the ropes.
Kain: (Snickering) There we go, he can't follow me anymore.
*Imitates a buzzer* Wrong Kain!
Kain: WHAT?!!
The vacuum cleaner salesman will find a way across; he always will. He wants to make a sale and you're his victim. So I suggest you start running again. Try the middle of nowhere. It seems to be very popular of late.
Kain: Make sense, damn you!
Now because writing vacuum cleaner salesman is long and an involving process to make sure there are no spelling errors, we will now give him the name *reaches into a felt top hat like the one Frosty had; actually is the hat Frosty owed before Zephon killed him royally* Drappy.
Drappy: (Calling from across the bridge) Excuse me, potential customer. The bridge has accidentally been cut. Would you be kind enough to repair it for me so I might tell you more about the Excel Marksman 2001?
Kain would do no such thing because if you were over two thousand years old, would you make a stupid move like that? I think not. But Drappy would not be persuaded to move along so easily. He looked down at the current, shrugged his tweed shoulders and fixed up his thick glasses, and then walked down the bank and into the fast- moving current. He submerged completely and was lost from view.
Kain: He has to be dead, right? Right?
Suddenly Drappy reappeared, jumping nimbly out of the water and landing near Kain. The scary thing was he wasn't even wet.
Drappy: Sir, let me tell you for the low, low price of 450$-AHHH!!!
After shoving Drappy the vacuum cleaner salesman back into the water and watching him get pushed down stream, Kain set off running again even if he was quite tired and hadn't fed in a while; this whole experience reminded him of a triathlon of sorts. But that didn't matter for suddenly someone from the Nosgoth Bloodbank was pulling alongside Kain in a car, handed him a cup of -o blood, then with a friendly wave drove off. Kain drank the blood then splashed the rest over him and feeling re-energized, continued his way off to-
Kain: Finding the other me, beating the snot out of him, getting my Soul Reaver back and then going home in time to catch the last episode of 'ER'.
A bell rang behind Kain suddenly. And he knew, with that deep and sinking feeling in his gut, that it was none other than Drappy the salesman, back once again. How he got out of the river and got a bike and managed to carry that damned vacuum cleaner with him at the same time, no one is quite sure but suffice to say that such things are covered in the Nosgoth Human School of Annoying Salesmen. Drappy came alongside Kain and gave that cheesy smile.
Drappy: Did I forget to mention that this vacuum cleaner also has a satellite dish included with it?
Finally Kain had had enough. Anyone would after they've been though what Kain had been through, which was losing the Reaver to the younger and more handsome version of himself, then getting chased down the sewer system that wasn't very clean, having a blue mouse called Mr. Whispers nearly beating up on him, then getting clunked on the head with a huge boulder by the younger Kain and now being chased by an over-eager salesman named Drappy.
Not to mention that the leather pants Kain was wearing weren't all that clean anymore and he wanted to know exactly what his sons had been up to the whole time he was gone. So Kain kept pace besides Drappy, who was merrily cycling along besides the master vampire. Unbeknownst to Drappy but knowest to us, Kain was about the beat the *insert two colourful adjectives and one verb here; imaginations can run wild* out of him.
And that was just what he did.
Walking away from the broken, mangled, bleeding and unidentifiable body of the vacuum cleaner salesman once know as Drappy, who had pieces of the bike shoved into various orifices of his body, Kain could now continue on his way to the middle of nowhere in a vain attempt to find the younger Kain and get his Soul Reaver back. But then it began to rain.
Kain: (Unenthusiastically) Oh my. How did I know this was going to happen? Fie-diddly-dee, because this fanfic is chock full of stuff like this. (Trudging through the rain) The skin on my back is being burned, my leather pants will shrink from this rain, but am I mad? No. (Looks up at the sky) I'M PISSED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As he was ranting on and on about the terrible predicament he was in, Kain happened to look up at one of the canyon walls. There, standing on the very edge of a plateau, made from white marble, gold, silver and with a stain glass roof and windows, was a church. The master vampire shrugged his shoulders, thinking that it was better to seek shelter in a church for the moment than get continually burned out in the rain.
Kain: (Thinking) It is better to seek shelter inside a church than to get continually burned by the rain out here.
He walked up and up the pathways that led to the church, which while on the ground and faraway appeared very small, got very big, in fact massive as he approached. Hell, it looked like it was meant for a giant or a dragon or a griffon or something else that was big and mystical. A sign written in gold outside the church proclaimed it as the 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'. A smaller billboard beside it stated:
'Today, celebrating the wedding of Fluffy Pink Dragon to ?'
Kain: What the hell? Does the groom know nothing about the ceremony he's about to attend? He has to be a real idiot or something like that; this might be one of those shotgun weddings. I'm glad I am not related to that stupid groom.
Knocking on the massive wooden door, Kain waited until it opened up. A massive fluffy golden dragon wearing spectacles looked at him.
Fluffy Golden Dragon: Oh my, you look like a drowned rat.
Kain: No, that's a drowned rat. (Points to a drowned rat beside him) I demand to be let in out of the rain. It's burning me up.
Fluffy Golden Dragon: (Sigh) Very well. (Opens up the door and lets Kain in) But we're about to have a wedding here, so I need to ask you. Are you a friend, guest or relative to the bride or groom's side?
Kain, always the quick thinker, thought quickly and gave a grin.
Kain: The groom's side of course. (Thinking to himself) Anything to be out of the rain.
The Fluffy Golden Dragon, who was also the priest of the church, beamed and patted Kain on the back with one massive paw.
Fluffy Golden Dragon: Excellent, excellent. Right this way then, please and I will show you to your seat. (Sits Kain down) The wedding will be held within two hours.
Smiling smugly to himself, Kain kicked up his cloven feet on the pew in front of him, looked over on the other side of the church where many a fluffy colourful dragons were waiting, and wondered what poor bastard was getting married today.
* * * *
Now we head off to Meridian, which was rebuilding as best as they could with the minimal resources they had with them. The reason they couldn't get any new supplies to rebuilt the Red Raven Pub, Harry the Shoemaker's shop, or even the Brothel house down the road on Skanky Street crossing over with Knicker-Knacker Road was because the Hylden, living across the ocean, wouldn't give them the supplies needed because they had cornered the market and were growing rich from the horrible capitalism they were inflicting upon the other denizens of Nosgoth. The Sarafan Lord was pissed and would have words with the Hylden later, but that doesn't matter at the moment. All you need to know is that the actual construction tools in Meridian at the moment were: 1 hammer, 32 nails (3 rusty ones included), a badly repaired cement mixed, straw in great quantities, and about 3 2x4 pieces of wood that were badly warped. And the person in charge of these tools were none other than Magnus, who had somehow gotten out of the Eternal Prison with a weekend pass which would be revoked if he went on a killing spree.
Magnus: (Singing happily if badly while sitting atop the construction pile) My stuff, my stuff, my own stuff!!!!
Now Faustus, Sebastian and Marcus had been trying, without much success for the past two days, to get the construction items from Magnus. Faustus had been burned on his butt, which was now bandaged with a silly and novelty large yellow Band-Aid, Sebastian had tried to take the tools using brute force and got whacked upside the head for it with the hammer and Marcus had tried to Charm Magnus, but since there was no brain in there to Charm, or because Magnus was so messed up in the head, it didn't work. So it had come to a standstill; 3 vampires watching and waiting for the 1 to fall asleep and then steal the stuff they needed to repair their own sections of Meridian.
Faustus: (Whispering) He hasn't fallen asleep yet, Sebastian.
Sebastian: (Bags under his eyes) I know.
Marcus: (Eyelids drooping forwards) We haven't slept in over 3 days. I'm beginning to think he's never going to fall asleep.
Sebastian: He had to! Everyone has an internal clock telling them when they go to sleep.
Faustus: Yeah, but either he's too crazy to know when to sleep or that so called clock left him a long time ago Sebastian, and relocated elsewhere.
Marcus, after brewing the 658th cup of coffee for himself (and being shaky, jittery and energetic all at the same time) downed it quickly and then looked down the road at Cal's Rifle Shop. It was an idea. Maybe he would go a purchase a rifle and 'hunting season' for a vampire called Magnus would be open. Faustus eyed Marcus and slapped him upside the head.
Faustus: Don't try it. If you shot him, it won't stop Magnus. You'll only make him angrier, like when you give Sebastian candy. Remember, it didn't make him happier, it made him hyper and go on a killing spree.
Sebastian: Oh shut up!
Faustus: It's the truth!
Sebastian: Does everyone have to know my secrets?
Marcus: Yes.
Magnus: (Still singing and clapping his hands together) I got my stuff, stuff, stuff. I got nails, I got buttons, I got a cement mixer with ice cream, I have a fluffy pink puppy named Shnookium who I-
Sebastian: Alright, forget it. I'm getting me a rifle. (Walks towards the shop)
Janos and Lieutenants appeared out of the Chronoplast chamber into the smoky and ruined streets of Meridian at the exact moment Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus opened fire on Magnus with the bazooka, rifle and the pea shooter. With a loud boom and a shriek, Magnus raced off the pile of supplies and raced madly towards the new arrivals.
Raziel: Ah! He's hideous! Like when Rahab comes out from the tanning salon!
Zephon: Actually, he looks more like Melchiah; premature balding of course but what the hell is up with the guts?
Now for some reason or another as the insane vampire called Magnus raced towards the Lieutenants, ranting and raving about his pink puppy, they didn't get out of the way. Janos did, but that was because Janos was a hell of a lot older than the Lieutenants, and therefore smarter than them. As described later by Turel to the Meridian Police Department, all he saw was a massive hulk of tortured flesh bear down on him, beat him senseless while ranting on and on about 1800 pounds of meat, and then watched the mysterious vampire escape. The police said they would look into this matter, but all they did was put up a few posters of 'Have You Seen This Vampire?' and thought no more of the matter.
Janos: So where would your brother be?
Rahab: That's a good question; we never thought of where Dumah would be.
Turel: Well, if you were a fluffy pink dragon with the hots for Dumah (shudders at the thought) where would you be?
Raziel, who had purchased a booklet of 'The Sights of Sarafan Controlled Meridian and Nosgoth in General' quickly flipped through the pages until he stopped at one. After looking at the Mirror Shop ad, which stated it was located on Mirror and Narcissistic Circle, continued to look through the booklet until he came to the ad of 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'.
Raziel: Here, people! (Shows them the ad)
Janos: (Looking it over) It would seem the most likely place, since it is the only church in all of Nosgoth that does allow dragons and other denizens to be married together. I remember going there when I was younger, to watch a wedding take place between a Hylden and a human.
The Ancient received blank looks from all the Lieutenants save Rahab. The 4th born son obviously knew something of the chapel, because even in his own timeline the chapel was no longer in the canyons, having been relocated next to the Drowned Abbey where Rahab acted as a priest to people wanting to get married. It was a favorite pastime of his; seeing the love of two beings and them being united as one to prove that love does conquer all in the end-
Melchiah: Excuse me, could we get back to the story? We all know that Rahab goes over weddings and charges a fixed hourly rate, which is all rather good but we need to go and save Dumah.
Turel: Why are you saying that? Dumah beats up on you all the time so why are you concerned for him?
Melchiah: Because at least when he beats up on me he makes sure he knows that I exist, which is better than being forgotten by the rest of you brothers.
Zephon: Oh shut up!
Melchiah: You shut up!
Zephon: You shut up!
Melchiah: Shut up!
Zephon: Shut up!
Janos: Both of you shut up or I'll rip out your throats and stretch the skin out to make drum skins, do you hear me?
The Lieutenants looked ay Janos, who looked very pissed off which was weird because Janos always looked so kind and nice. Sebastian, Faustus and Marcus meanwhile were fighting over the supplies that Magnus had vacated and succeeded in shooting each other in the butt, which of course hurt but they wouldn't say a thing.
Raziel: So how will we get to the 'Dragon Infinity Chapel'?
Turel: Simple. We take the airplane.
Janos: I could simply teleport us all there. It would save time-
Turel: We're taking the airplane!
And with that, the Lieutenants rushed off to the Meridian airport, which somehow wasn't burnt to the ground when the dragon attacked, and booked tickets for the next flight to the chapel, which was in five minutes. Now only three Lieutenants got first class seats, leaving Janos and the other two to fly in steerage with the Meridian Circus Troupe, but we don't need to go into detail over who was pampered and who wasn't.
Rahab: Yes, we do.
No, we don't.
Rahab: Yes, we do!
No, we don't. Now shut up and enjoy your chicken head. And somewhere else, namely the cave belonging to the Fluffy Pink Dragon in the Middle of Nowhere, Dumah and the younger Kain (who hadn't been killed or eaten yet) were both being carted off to the chapel, one to be the official witness to the marriage and the other one to be the unknowing groom to him but we the knowing audience know what to expect from the unknowing groom when the next known scene comes into existence.
And in the Canyons of Meridian, the corpse of Drappy was being eaten by the vultures, who had brought along ketchup to mask the scent of death and rot and all the other unpleasantness of it all. Next time, they're going out to the 9 Pillars' Buffet Lunch.
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