HELLO! Yes, I do not own Harry Potter, or any characters in this story… except the saleslady! Please, I do not wish to insult any character. Especially, any of the Slytherins(except for Pansy).
Fred, George and Lee Jordan were walking in Hogsmeade, up to no good as usual and searching for some new prank shops when they finally arrived near the last shop.
"I'm famished with all this hard thinking," exclaimed Fred, rubbing his stomach.
"There's a food shop," George said pointing to the only store selling food on the street they were on.
"They're only selling bananas," Lee said, examining the shelves and shelves of ripe bananas.
Fred shrugged and walked over to the small frail lady with two chopsticks and straw in her hair.
"How much for a banana?" Fred asked, picking one up.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY LAD?" the lady screamed, making the whole street look at them.
"HOW MUCH FOR BAN-A-NA," George yelled in the lady's ear.
"Banana?" she asked in a high shrill voice.
"Yes banana," Lee reiterated, nodding his head.
The lady picked up a banana, "Banana?"
"Yes ma'am, WE WANT TO BUY A BANANA," Fred said, waiting impatiently.
"Sorry, we don't sell bananas," the lady simply replied.
Fred, George and Lee looked at each other in shock. "THEN WHAT DO YOU SELL," George asked, getting a good laugh.
"Banana," the lady said shaking her head in approval. Lee Jordan hit his head in disbelief. The lady went behind the counter and came back with a book. She handed it to Fred and smiled, "Banana." The book was entitled 'Bananas and Grapefruits for Idiots'.
"Looks better than a banana," George said mischievously, thinking that he had found a book of pranks.
"Yes, if you can understand it. It looks like a code," Lee said, attempting to decipher it.
"Yes banana," the lady said proudly, "Keep for free. First customer of the day. I close now."
"Thanks," Fred said, forgetting that he was hungry. He watched as the banana lady closed her shop and walked off.
"Better hurry if we're going to make the train!" Lee Jordan said looking at his watch and starting to run. Fred and George followed him from behind.
_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_
"You sure this is right?" Fred asked George, examining the book oddly.
"Got the book for free, who cares," George responded, preparing his cauldron.
"Crumbs, can't understand the writing," Lee Jordan said, inspecting it.
Fred grabbed the book from his friends' hands and said, "Think it says to add two grapefruits with the peel, ten bananas, one cup of sugar, two teaspoons of dragon hot sauce and… one plastic cup."
George added all the ingredients and said, "A plastic cup?"
"Where are we going to get a plastic cup?" George asked staring at the recipe.
"I say that we should add a coffee mug," Fred said pointing at a cup lying on a table nearby.
"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY CUP!!" Lee said, grabbing it protectively.
"Will you fucking shut your trap," George sneered, "Filch will hear us! Well how are we going to get a plastic cup… that's the closest thing to it!" George exclaimed.
"Fine," Lee said reluctantly, throwing it into the cauldron. All three stared into it, waiting for a reaction.
"It's smells nasty. Nothing's happening," Fred said, inspecting the thick bubbly liquid with a wooden spoon.
"Oh well," George said, "Guess we can slip it into Ron's drink tomorrow at breakfast."
Fred and Lee grinned back mischievously as they put the cauldron at the side of George's bed before going to sleep.
_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_
Little did Fred, George, and Lee know… but their potion was reacting to the wrong ingredient. In the quiet of the night, the oily liquid emitted a nasty odor that traveled across the entire school and effected everyone whether they were sleeping or not.
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_
A practical day at Hogwarts-or not- started early the next morning. Harry opened his eyes to find Ron standing near his bed and scratching his head.
"Today's not going to be a good day,"Harry said, watching Ron.
"What makes you say that," Ron said in a high pitched voiced.
"Are you feeling alright?" Harry asked, examining his friend carefully.
Ron glanced at Harry and checked his pulse. "Considering my pulse rate divided by the number of freckles on my face, I have reached beta. The sixth stage of testosterone."
"Um… ok," said Harry, secretly grabbing his Quidditch broom in case Ron tried any thing.
Hermione walked calmly inside the room, appearing like her usual self.
"Do you know what this means?" inquired Ron in a high pitched tone. Harry shook his head.
Ron pulled Hermione towards him and French kissed her. She pushed him away and watched as he ran away.
"Personally, you need to grow some facial hair Ron Weasley," Hermione screamed after him.
Ginny suddenly appeared, pulling her hair, in the boy's dormitory shrieking loudly, "Would someone please think about the electrolytes!"
Harry and Hermione gaped when they saw Snape appear next in black satin boxers, closing the door behind him as a frantic Dean tried to open the door.
"Can we help you sir?" Hermione asked, through her giggles.
He looked at us and started crying, "Please don't let him hurt me. I need my body for other excessive pleasures in nature."
"Sir, would you mind giving me an example?" Hermione asked, biting her lower lip and attempting not to laugh.
Snape stood away from the door for the first time and pointed to Hermione in fear, "Witch. You nearly made me say the S-word!"
"What? Sex?" Harry asked bluntly.
"SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,"Snape whined, pulling his hair, "One week detention Mr. Potter."
They both watched as Dean Thomas knocked down the door and started running after Snape yelling, "Don't hurt yourself mummy!" He continuously slapped his head every time Snape tried to yank his hair off.
The room became quiet again and Harry turned to Hermione.
"Some more helpless cases," Hermione said, shaking her head.
"So it's not only me!" Harry said in relief.
"No it's not only you," she responded in frustration, "Yes indeed Harry, a conspiracy is forming right underneath our noses."
"I reckon that Voldemort or someone has put a mighty spell on Hogwarts," Harry whispered to Hermione, in case anyone heard them.
"I daresay, you're putting yourself down boy!" Hermione said, cupping Harry's cheek in her hand and examining him.
"Perhaps, Voldemort and I should settle our differences over a game of tic tac toe," Harry said in a thoughtful tone.
"One night old," she said, looking at him, "Let it grow, Harry. Give it some time."
"Really? You think the feeling is mutual?" Harry asked.
"Of course it's mutual," she said brushing her cheek against Harry's.
"What are you doing?" Harry asked backing away from Hermione.
"You have a close mutual feeling to your facial hair. I can feel it," she said in a undertone.
"I'm talking about Voldemort, not my freaking- great you've gone nuts too," Harry said.
"Sorry Harry," she said taking his arm and leading him to the Great Hall, "After seeing all those men without facial hair… it's just sooooooooo depressing. I mean it's in style."
They walked into the Great Hall for breakfast and found a chaotic scene. A very drunk Seamus was humping a plastic hippogriff on the Gryffindor table and saying, "Oh Ninny! We must deliver the gifts to the children of the world by midnight."
"Don't forget the electrolytes," Ginny yelped from across the room.
"Nor the bacteria," Cho said.
"You've got to be bloody joking,' Neville said as he protected a helmet onto his head, approaching Cho with his sign saying 'Protection against the little ones'.
"How dare you write such awful things about the bacteria of the world!" Cho said while she attempted to remove some bacteria from Neville's helmet with a wet cotton swab.
"Leave them to die!" Neville said, spraying antibacterial liquid on his helmet.
Cho carefully spread the bacteria on a petri dish and said, "Live my young children. Feed on the Agar!"
"Bloody hell! What the hell is happening?" Harry asked.
"I know… so many hopeless cases," Hermione said, jumping into Harry's arms for comfort. "Hold me –I can't watch."
"Ummm… Okay," Harry said, secretly indulging in the privilege while he could. He looked across the room, hoping to find Dumbeldore trying to fix things. Instead, he found him riding a tricycle. "Let's go…," he said, noticing the students beginning to leave for their classes, "We have Potions."
_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_
"I never thought I'd actually say this," Ron declared to Harry and Hermione, "It seems that today will be an interesting class."
"After seeing Snape running around in boxers, anything is possible," Hermione said poking her head out of her books.
"What are you doing?" Harry asked.
"We are conspiring," Lavender Brown screeched over Harry's head, "To bring Greenleaf to Hogwarts."
"Greenleaf?" asked Parvati, in a Tarzan inspired school robe, "You're planning to smoke Dandelion. Personally I've tried it… I prefer Romanian Dandelion." Lavender shook her head and quickly whispered something in Parvati's ear. Parvati's eyes enlarged and she snorted, "Greenleaf!"
Ron and Harry watched as all three girls nodded their heads at the same time.
"We must bring Strider," Hermione thought wisely, "Elves may not sleep… but we work with them at intervals."
"Intervals," Parvati said, "Yes I like intervals. And chains, Yes, I like chains."
"I estimate that they have been conversing in a foreign female language unknown to our celestial male ears," Neville said, who had been sitting nearby.
"Ahuh, You mean," Ron said, his face spreading into a wide grin, "Sex."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Snape yelled while walking into the class. He slammed his books on the table. "Someone in this class said the S WORD! Mr. Potter, you will serve another detention at 3 am, tomorrow."
"But-," Harry said awe.
"STUDENTS," Snape cried out, in his famous devilish face, "It has come to my knowledge that you have missed a whole year of important studies."
"I take back what I said before… this class is starting out like it usually does," Ron whispered quickly to Harry and Hermione.
"MR. WEASLEY," Snape voice thundered through the class, " Will you please recite the systematic conventional list for la la las to the class."
"The what?" Ron asked.
"As I had suspected! The Systematic conventional list is similar to the reproduction of rabbits," Snape explained to the class. From the back of the class, Goyle, who had magically appeared in class looking like Pansy Parkinson could be heard saying, "Fuck, like now I really like don't like understand like what he's like saying."
"Class," Snape said, ignoring Goyle's comment, "Let us, recite the alphabet." Students began looking at each other in shock. He took a deep breath and with a big smile started, "A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z. Now I know my abc, won't you come and play with me! Look at you! You're so dead. You're all a bunch of sushi. Yes. Avocado suhi! You students never appreciate anything…. All you want to do is make out with AHHHHHH! Approaching touchy subject. Anyhow, now students, get together with your partner and let us make alphabet soup in style!"
Draco Malfoy approached Hermione and pulled her towards the Slytherin tables. "Do you know what's happening?" he asked in a secretive tone.
"No?" she replied.
They started making the alphabet soup together.
"Why gel," Malfoy said, in yearning.
"Pardon me?" Hermione asked politely, throwing the alphabets into the soup.
"Tom Felton," he said blankly, "They put too much gel in his hair. Com'on, I mean look at this." He pointed to his hair. He grabbed her hand and said, "Touch it."
"Yes, it's very nice," Hermione commented, patting his head continuously.
"This is bloody not normal," he laughed, while looking around the class. Pansy was hanging from the ceiling.
"I want to fly!" Pansy screamed, "I'm Mary Jane. Save me Peter!"
Draco turned back to Hermione. "As I was saying," he sneered. "I don't want to be normal."
"Okay," Hermione said, hesitating.
"We're going to date. Then, we'll get married. A big fat Azkaban wedding," Draco demanded.
"Harry and Ron always told me never to marry a Death Eater," Hermione said, trembling.
"Fuck them," he said, licking her cheek, "This is my first step towards a kiss."
"Dr. Phil always says… Never deny yourself," Hermione giggled.
Suddenly, Ron was sprawled across their table, "Ron I swear we weren't doing anything," Hermione said nervously.
Millicent Bulstrode was trying to pull off his hair, "I always wanted to be Annie. You're my only hope for a toupee."
"Take my brothers' hair. Don't touch mine," Ron bellowed. He burst into a fit of laughter, "Stop it, you're tickling my head."
"Sir!" Seamus called out for Snape.
"What boys! DID YOU FIND AN EXTRA LETTER IN THE ALPHABET!" Snape asked in exasperation while running towards Dean and Seamus' table.
"No Sir, but didn't you say that soups can magically display mysterious information?" Dean inquired, covering the top of the cauldron.
Snape nodded. "Read the inscription," Seamus said, while Dean uncovered the top.
"Why yes, your soup has developed a message," Snape said looking up in a joyful mood, "It says, 'I, Professor Snape, enjoy sex." His face slightly changed to a purplish color.
"Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex,"Dean said mockingly, "Sir, has anyone told you that you resemble my mum." Again, the chase after Snape around the room began. A loud deafening fire alarm began to ring.
"Class dismissed," Snape screamed from his hiding place underneath the desk.
"Why is there a fire alarm in our school?" Harry asked, trying to sniff the air.
"FIRE! I can feel the molecules in my hair burning with the intense heat. I cannot let the pride of the Malfoy name burn! My body must be kept in better weather conditions (A/N I quite agree myself, thank you)," Malfoy said, fleeing from the classroom.
"You should try preserving it in Saran wrap," Hannah Abbott, who was standing outside the Potions class shouted after Malfoy. "Men in plastic tights are quite sexy, indeed."
"Excuse me," said Crabbe, sucking his thumb, "but may I please ask what they are doing in our room." He pointed to two strangers who had appeared in the classroom and were amid a ring of smoke.
"Crabbe!" Goyle shrieked, pulling Crabbe's thumb from his mouth, "Keep your fingers out of your mouth. Do you want to ruin your teeth?! You know I can't afford those orthodontic braces with the golden snitches."
"May I please introduce," Lavender said, bubbling in girlish laughter, "Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, and Aragorn, King of Gondor!"
Legolas' eyes narrowed, "I fear that the Ringwraiths have followed us." He returned his gaze to Hermione, Lavender and Parvati.
"To which name does this treeless land belong to?" Legolas asked.
"Hogwarts," Parvati said quickly.
"'Tis a pleasure to meet you, my fair maidens in this time of darkness," Aragorn said while both he and Legolas kissed their hands.
"We were just going to ask you one little favor," Hermione asked politely.
Legolas nodded.
"You see, boys here do not have such long luxurious hair like you do," Lavender explained, and added quickly, "Unless you count Dumbeldore and Snape."
"Nor do they have facial hair," Hermione hissed.
"Basically what we're asking…," Parvati started.
"CAN WE BRAID YOUR HAIR!" all three screamed in unison.
Legolas glanced sharply at Aragorn, "May we continue our search for the Ringwraiths?" Aragorn agreed and they both started running away from the three girls.
Meanwhile, Harry and Ron, who had a shower cap to protect his hair from evil doers like Milicent, opened a door in hopes of landing near the staircase to the Gryffindor common room. However, they were in for a big surprise.
I hope you liked it, more chapters to come if you like it!
J