Disclaimer – None of the characters in the following story belong to me. They belong to Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman and Showtime. No money is being made. No Infringement is intended. This is nothing more than a sad little starving artist having a little fun.

Title – Lost

Rating – PG-13 (language and slash)

Spoilers – season two finale

Summary – Justin struggles to discover what he really wants.

Lost

Naked on the edge of a mattress supported by crates, Justin sat with his head in his hands. Behind him, Ethan sat gazing at the pale skin of his lover's back trying to think of something to say to better the situation. Slowly, he licked his lips and scooted closer to Justin and reached out to place a hand on his shoulder. Gently he rubbed the soft skin and savored its feel underneath his fingers.

"Ethan," Justin said in a soft voice that was tainted with pain. "I'm sorry."

The violinist looked closely at him as the blond turned to face him with watery eyes.

"I'm so sorry."

Fighting back a lump in his throat, Ethan gently caressed Justin's cheek with the back of his hand and he spoke to him in a docile voice.

"I'm not going to tell you that's it's all right, that it doesn't bother me," he began. "But you can fix it."

As the first tear slid down Justin's cheek Ethan wiped it away with his thumb.

"And I wish that I could help you, but I can't," he continued. "This is something that only you can resolve. And when you do, and I know you will, I'll still be here."

Justin's lip began to tremble and he took in a deep breath and fought to calm himself. Tentatively, the dark-haired man reached out and pulled the shivering man against his chest. Justin held in his sobs but he could not stop the tears from flowing as Ethan gently held him and stoked his back.

Brian Kinney awoke with a massive headache in an empty bed. Although he'd been stoned out of his mind, he could vaguely recall what had happened last night. Due to the current state of all his friends he'd gone to Babylon alone. Michael and Ben had gone to see a movie and the newly joined Emmett and Ted had declined in order to spend a quiet evening at home. More out of habit than anything else, Brian had dragged a random man into the backroom while he also snorted a bit of his "special mix" into his nose.

As Brian had leaned against the wall however and the trick had gone down on his knees, he'd stopped a young blond man to the right of him. The young man had sent an unwanted chill through his body and straight to his feet. Roughly, he'd pushed the trick away from him and approached the blond boy from behind. Without a word, Brian had wrapped his arms around his waist and discovered that he was nearly as tall as he was. The boy's lanky body felt awkward against his and when he turned to face him he was meet with light brown eyes looking at him with curiosity and arousal.

Those eyes seemed too ugly to him and failed to have any positive effect and when Brian leaned in to kiss his lips, they were rough and unyielding. Heedless, Brian had allowed himself to be kissed but when he found that he was unable to respond, he'd simply turned and walked away amid the blond's curses.

The pulsating music had become unbearable and he had crawled into his jeep and sped home to collapse in his bed. For weeks this seemed to becoming somewhat of a habit. Going out and coming home unsatisfied. Even if he had gotten off, something inside him seemed different and felt him feeling hollow. Somewhere inside himself he knew what the problem was. It had been 22 days since the Rage party where he'd driven Justin straight into Ethan's welcoming arms and out of his life.

It was the second time in his history that Brian had pushed someone he loved away from him, and he did love Justin, regardless of his inability to admit it. Debbie had once called him on it and challenged him to confess his feelings before something happened. Too late. Unable to cope with the fact that he actually loved someone as he loved Justin he'd forced him away.

Groaning, he sat up and ran a hand through his mussed hair. His head was pounding and he was never more thankful that he'd taken the day off. The sudden, sharp ringing of the phone aggravated his headache and he cursed loudly as he reached to silence it.

"What?" he growled.

"Hey, it's me," Michael said, unfazed by Brian's tone. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Why the hell wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you seemed kinda upset that I couldn't go with you last night - "

"My life does not revolve around you Mikey," Brian said. "It's opposite remember?"

Brian could hear Michael's smile on the other end of the line.

"Yeah," he said. "Well, just, call me if you need anything."

"I will," Brian agreed ready to hang up the phone.

"Hey, Ben's teaching a class tonight, do you want to do something?" Michael asked. "Go hang out on Liberty Avenue or go to Babylon or something?"

"Now Michael I don't think your boyfriend would appreciate that."

"Ben doesn't mind," Michael said. "He trusts me."

"Hmm, well actually, I don't feel like going out," Brian said. "But if you want to come over, that'd be cool. It's been a while since we've sat down and watched 'Dirty Dancing'."

Michael laughed.

"All right, that sounds great," he said enthusiastically. "I'll come over in a few hours and bring dinner."

"Dinner?" Brian questioned.

"Um yeah," Michael said. "It's 3:15."

Brian squinted his eyes as he looked at the glowing red numbers on the nightstand next to him.

"Yeah, all right," he agreed. "See ya soon."

"Kay, bye."

When he heard the click on the other end, Brian hung up the phone and headed for the shower.

Justin had been walking around for quite sometime. More than an hour had passed since he'd dressed and left Ethan in his apartment so that he could try and clear his head. It wasn't working. His mind was racing back and forth between thoughts of Ethan and thoughts of Brian. From the very first time he'd seen Ethan, he'd been unable to get him and his music out of his head. Yet, he remembered when Brian would take him in his arms or kiss him or push him back on their bed, all thoughts of the romantic violinist would vanish.

Justin felt as if he were betraying both of them. Even though he had left Brian, he still found himself thinking about him on a daily basis. Going over to Brian's the morning after the Rage party had been on the most difficult things that he ever had to do. In silence, Brian had watched as he collected his belongings and prepared to walk out of his life. The only time that Brian spoke to him was to softly ask for his key back.

Later, Justin would discover that Brian had sent the computer he'd bought him to Michael's comic book store where the two of them could continue working. However, "Rage" had taken a back seat for the boy. Once they were once again on speaking terms, Justin had sworn to Michael that he would continue to draw for their creation, but right not it was just too painful to drawn "J.T." and "Rage".

Then there was Ethan. The young violin player was everything that Justin had ever wanted in a partner. Beautiful, intelligent, passionate and romantic Ethan. Why then could he not stop his thoughts from wandering back to the man who had pushed him away? Justin felt as if he had two lovers and was not being faithful to either of them. Towards the last days he had been with Brian, he would dream of Ethan. Now that he was with Ethan, he reflected on life with Brian. This could not continue. One way or another, Justin would have to decide. Almost without thinking, Justin headed towards Brian's loft.

Standing near a dirty window in his small apartment, Ethan held his violin under his chin as his right hand gracefully moved back and forth with the bow and his left danced with the strings towards the top. The instrument was singing a sweet, endearing song that tried to convince its master that everything would work out all right. That Justin would move on with time and with him. That they would be at peace together. That the blond boy loved him as Ethan did. Regardless, Ethan knew that he was going to lose Justin. The beautiful boy who had captured his heart was going to leave him to return to the man who had caused him so much anguish. The worst of it was that there was absolutely nothing Ethan could do to keep Justin with him. If his heart belonged to another, then their relationship would be nothing but a lie. As the tempo of the song picked up, Ethan hated himself. How could he fall in love like this? He wished with all his heart that he hated Justin. Then he wouldn't be in such unbearable agony. As the song drew to a climatic conclusion, the young man felt a drop of wetness slide down his face.