"Feelings" by Tinashe / "Mary Magdalene" by FKA twigs

IV. Repression

(Shepard)

Familiar tasks.

New feelings about them.

We spent the new few weeks drifting in the Normandy during this transition period. I had us fly around for some missions here and there as needed: primarily answering Alliance distress calls, hitting pockets of geth attacking other colonies, and collecting resources for the ship. With no real way of following Saren's trail or knowing where he meant to go next, that left us with the original plan from the get-go.

Finding out why there were so many geth on Feros.

Figuring out what Matriarch Benezia was up to on Noveria.

I plotted a course for Joker to get us to Feros first within the next few solar days. Yes, the mission was important, but I needed the extra time to complete this audit and restore operations to the ship.

Every single crew member no longer aboard had a ton of ethically questionable shit in their history and emails. They'd had the nerve to use their official work email addresses for this mess, too.

Sitting at my desk, I had multiple monitors up with my terminal, handling these final things from the audit and from managing the crew's needs. Hip-hop music blasting, bass booming, vibrating against the back of my chair, I wrapped up my report on the audit, noting that I hadn't found anything from the remaining Alliance crew onboard. Across from my leather sofa, I had my huge TV screen on, idling in my third-person shooter multiplayer game. I hadn't had the chance to get back to it in a while.

I had to finish up these last couple of things, and then I could take a nap first before playing a match.

Joker had way too many extranet habits that the Alliance didn't need to know about. The only reason I knew about it was because, in my searches related to aliens, his account had the most hits by far.

Despite how disgusted I was that his searches for human-asari lesbian porn had spiked in the last month since Liara joined, I didn't find any xenophobic evidence to report.

After that whole drama with Ashley, the squad were understandably on-edge with her still on the ship. I'd expected her to resign from this assignment on her own, or maybe for her to demand that I fire her. Without any solid evidence, I couldn't fire her. As far as I knew, she hadn't spoken a word to anyone aside from Lieutenant Alenko, determined as she was to suffer everyone else's clear judgment of her.

I'd decided to leave her on the ship during these last couple of missions.

From my automated search of Ashley's work correspondences and extranet searches, my virtual assistant hadn't turned up anything unethical or even slightly xenophobic. None of the standard search terms and tags I'd used to successfully bust everyone else had worked on her trail. So either she'd scrubbed it all beforehand, or she knew to cover her tracks from the very beginning.

Ashley didn't strike me as a cunning person. Not like that. Still, she went to great lengths to avoid me on the ship. And when I did see her, that veiled desire for me in her eyes—she made too much too clear.

Something told me to do a manual search through her history later…even if it meant indulging myself.

Because now that I thought about it, and now that I could be honest about this, I wasn't sure how to feel about this situation with her. Whenever I did manage to bump into Ashley on the ship, I noticed that her eyes were red—from a lack of sleep, from something else. She stuck to her duties down in the armory, and she kept to herself, avoiding the team aside from Kaidan, but there was far more going on here.

I couldn't help noticing a strong aura from Ashley, radiating off from her more than usual these days. Like she had something she needed to tell me. Like she had something she needed to show me. Like there was far more to her than I'd assumed, and she was determined to make sure that I knew this. And I had never felt this strength of someone's energy before, as this undeniable need from another person: threatening to pull at my own thoughts of her, forcing these damned emotions out from me.

It was all I could do to push this back down.

It was all I could do remind myself that Ashley…was straight. She had to be. This energy she gave off couldn't have been along these lines I kept thinking of; kept surprising myself in wanting way more of.

I shouldn't have cared, or kept thinking about her, or kept wanting more from her.

I was her commanding officer. And she was straight. She was straight. That was it. Case closed.

But my other assumptions about her had been wrong. Maybe this one was, too. Knowing that, I knew that I was almost out of excuses, out of places to hide.

Watching her struggle alone with this drama, I felt bad. And now I cared about her—way more than I would ever admit. Deep down, I wanted Ashley to share her feelings with me. Even from this distance, I could taste how pure and unassuming those feelings of hers were, despite how she had every right to be angry at me for ruining her friendships with the team. Yet she didn't take her anger out on me, surrendering in the face of my command, so vulnerable…

All the same, I would figure out exactly what to do with her later.

Definitely not now.

The rest of the squad seemed content to go along with my decision.

I was relieved that they had pretty good synergy together, even with this whole Ashley thing going on.

But, my instincts wouldn't calm down: for all the solid teamwork they shared with each other, I felt their longing for my individual attention. They wanted to get to know me. I'd had my excuses to avoid them before, what with needing to take care of this audit by myself. And they had been brief and infrequent in their emails to me whenever they had supplies they required, or other similar, cordial requests.

They appeared to make a coordinated effort to not bug me or piss me off, never emailing me more than absolutely necessary, and never messaging me about personal things. In general, they stuck to keeping me up to speed on their work and duties aboard the ship:

Garrus would only message me with updates on his calibrations to the Mako's weapons.

Tali would only email me with finalized checklists of work she'd completed with Engineer Adams.

Wrex would only let me know if someone's armor needed to be replaced, upgraded, or modified.

Kaidan would only give me his reports on the squad's combat skills and improvements.

Ashley contacted me the least out of everyone, only to give me the shortest of status reports on our weapon usage, keeping tabs on any possible wear and tear as she cleaned our guns. Her messages made me question too much, because, again, I felt her masked emotions for me dripping through, so obvious.

Liara would only inform me of her progress in collecting more data on the Protheans for me to access…though, like Ashley, her messages always had more to say than the actual words on-screen.

Teamwork, even with interpersonal issues with their captain.

Because of that, I'd saved the hardest of my tasks for last.

I appreciated their consideration, so I made up my mind to send personalized emails to each of my squad members. I thanked them for their patience throughout this whole process. I let them know that they were free to request one-on-one meetings with me, whether it was about work or whatever else. I would do my best to respond to their messages as soon as I could, as long as I wasn't busy.

I tempered my message to Ashley. I needed to maintain this distance from her, for both of our sakes.

Everyone's replies trickled in as I continued to sit here, knowing damn well that I wasn't done.

I hadn't sent one of these emails to Liara yet.

I had to send her one.

She would know if I chose not to.

She and the rest of the squad talked a lot, shared a lot—practically everything.

Accepting that I couldn't put this off, I buckled down and tried to write something:

To: T'Soni, Liara – Thanks.

Liara,

Thank you for your patience with me and with the remaining crew throughout this transition period. I only wanted you and the others to feel welcome here aboard the Normandy. Doesn't matter that this is a human military—this ship is of human-turian design. This frigate represents those different perspectives coming together with a shared goal—

No.

I deleted all of that.

What the fuck did the Normandy's design have to do with her on a personal level?

To: T'Soni, Liara – Thank you.

Liara,

I appreciate all the research you've sent me on the Protheans so far. Helps to understand them better after not knowing much about them at all before. The way they communicate using another person's physiology kind of reminds me of your asari bonding process—

She wasn't her research, and her research was not her.

Even though she was our Prothean expert, that really wasn't what I associated her with…

To: T'Soni, Liara – Progress.

Liara,

Lieutenant Alenko tells me that you have a high skill ceiling for improving your biotics a lot more, but you aren't accessing that higher tier in battle. He says you're choosing not to. Are you holding back on purpose? We should have a talk about this if you are—

Even though this was all true, it had nothing to do with her, either…

I had only one sensible option left:

To: T'Soni, Liara – Hey.

Liara,

As you may have heard by now, I'm sending individual emails to the team.

I'm finished with that audit. This means I have more free time.

I have one last thing to take care of before I can finally kick back. I plan on sending you an actual email once I'm done with this. I didn't want to leave you to wonder why I hadn't sent you anything. I promise I'm not ignoring you. I want to give you my full attention.

Expect to hear from me later.

-Shepard

Satisfied with that, I hit send.

I didn't really have anything else I needed to do.

All I did was buy myself some more time until the inevitable.

I'd been able to distract myself lately, keeping these all-consuming thoughts away for as long as possible. Now that I had no excuses, no more distractions, and nothing else to take care of, I had nothing else to fall back on. While I'd worked, the thoughts had come up, only lingering in the background. I had been able to set them aside, more or less.

More or less, less was more, and far more so now that I had nothing pressing to handle.

The thoughts all came rushing back when Liara responded to my message a few minutes later:

From: T'Soni, Liara – Re: Hey.

Commander,

Yes, I had heard. I had been wondering, too. I think it's wonderful that you're doing this.

Thank you.

However, if it would be simpler for us to speak in person once you have time, perhaps we should do that instead. You do not need to worry yourself with sending me one of your planned emails in that case. I am willing to go with whichever option you prefer.

Please let me know once you are able.

-Liara

These brand new prospects expanded an expanse up my chest, up to my heart, making me stretch out and exhale to fit this with me.

I folded my arms over my desk, resting my head here, all to pass the time—to make it seem like I wasn't sitting here staring at her response, about to write back, right after I'd said that I had other shit to take care of first.

Ever since finding Liara on Therum, I'd had to force these thoughts back down, again and again.

More and more often, the willowy wisps of her voice would pass through my memory, igniting hotter into something else: suggestive, selective.

All of those shy looks Liara gave me each day—in the mess hall while she spent time with the others, in the CIC before a mission and before she switched her focus on, in the debriefing room once we were done with a mission and finished our discussions about what we'd found…and, occasionally, during a mission, but only ever when it was appropriate.

Downtime, time to think.

Thinking of all the ways she could have been something more for me, if I allowed it.

She wasn't in the Alliance. She wasn't in the military.

She was part of my team, yes, but not the military.

Enough of a loophole to get around fraternization. Enough of my overactive imagination had brought me to this point, with me barely restraining myself from wondering way too much about her.

I knew myself.

I needed to keep my control.

If I let go—if I let myself smell even a hint of Liara wanting me, too, that would've been game over.

Game over from wanting her in ways that probably would have scared her off, compromising our professional relationship, our teamwork, and this entire mission to go along with it.

Deciding that enough arbitrary time had passed, I replied to her:

To: T'Soni, Liara – Re: Hey

Liara,

I'll pay you a visit instead.

Will you be in your room behind the med bay?

-Shepard

.

From: T'Soni, Liara – Re: Hey.

Commander,

I will wait for you in my room.

I have something to give you—a gift, to express my gratitude for how much you've done for all of us.

Perhaps it is a bit overdue. I had meant to give this to you after the incident with the crew. As you were quite busy these past few weeks, it never seemed like a good time. It certainly doesn't help that I am a bit nervous about this. I hope you will forgive me if I seem to be acting a little strange when you arrive.

I suppose none of that will matter if you would rather decline the gift instead.

What would you like to do, Shepard?

-Liara

This submissiveness on Liara, the way it fit her, shaped her—so gentle and sweet and unique.

I dug my nails into the surface of my desk, clawing enough for the ache, for the pain to stop these fucking thoughts:

Making her do anything and everything she wanted, but was too afraid to act on.

Making her scream, and cry, and beg for me to destroy her and pull her back up again.

Making her see that she could control me in her neediness alone—and how I sensed it, how I picked up on how much she wanted to cling to me, yet she chose not to, to avoid pissing me off or disgusting me or pushing me away.

For weeks now, I had suppressed these thoughts: of waking Liara up from this naïveté of hers, and showing her what she missed out on in her shyness and isolation; of Liara growing obsessed with me, as obsessed as she was about her research, learning everything about me, and having that unending craving for me and no one else; of prying Liara's legs apart, tearing away at every shred of her reluctance to let me please her; of pinning Liara down against my bed, face down, and fucking her, hard, right to her limit, exactly as she pleased.

I'd always had this potential, to want to please a woman this badly, to be in this deep:

To make her the center of my universe.

I'd resisted it before—my pride, my own fears about letting someone get in my head like this.

I was the commanding officer, but that didn't matter with her. Finally…it didn't matter with someone.

Liara had no fucking idea how much power she had in this situation.

None whatsoever.

More suppression, more of it, more wasn't enough to keep this motherfucking tone out of my reply:

To: T'Soni, Liara – Re: Hey

Liara,

Speak your mind with me. You don't have to hold back.

I want whatever you have to give to me.

I'll be down to see you in half an hour.

-Shepard

Harsh freezing of a cold shower had sobered me enough, helping me head down to the crew deck with a clear head. I could finally breathe. I had my mind back…mostly. Ruffling out my slightly damp hair behind my back, I accepted how much I'd needed this reset button. After all, for as much as I'd tried to suppress everything, I had been stuck in my feelings. Fucking feelings, yes, but feelings nonetheless.

I'd caught myself feeling some type of way about Liara when I shouldn't have.

Besides, she was probably still a virgin, or whatever the equivalent was for asari. Not that that was a bad thing… I was way more likely to corrupt her and hurt her with how aggressive I tended to be. That wasn't something I wanted to deal with. I couldn't be liable for her hurt feelings like that.

I couldn't let her get in my head and mess up my focus.

I couldn't let her know that she had this power over me.

I couldn't let my own pride down by lifting her up in any way whatsoever.

Stopping Saren was more important than how badly I wanted to have sex with Liara.

Passing through to the narrow, lighted navy blue of the med bay, I realized that Liara was probably one of those women who needed more. Not a hookup. No flings. No kinks or mind fucks.

I was willing to bet it would've been vanilla sex only with her, no questions asked.

And she needed those feelings, that commitment, that kind of tender love and validation, with the promise of getting married someday…

"Hello there, Commander," said Dr. Chakwas, a bit absent-minded as she gathered her things. "It feels like I've not seen you in ages. You've been stuck in your cabin for weeks! How was the audit?"

"It was fine," I said, not seeing any way to glamorize the whole thing.

Dr. Chakwas collected her coffee mug and her e-book reader. "Wonderful!" she chatted. "Cleaning house seems like it did the Normandy well. Things feel a little more efficient than they did before, somehow." She then passed me by, explaining herself as she went: "You'll have to forgive me for running off so suddenly. I was just about to head back to my room to catch up on some reading. I haven't been able to put this series down! Or…did you need anything from me? Are you well?"

I narrowed my eyes, wondering, "You assume I'm not here to see you? To talk, see how you're doing?"

"Shepard, you never come here for that," she teased. "I know you and you won't convince me otherwise! As much as I appreciate your efforts, there's no need to humor little old me. Really—if there are any emergencies, you know where to find me. Take care, Commander."

I gave her a curt nod.

Dr. Chakwas smiled at me with her familiar warmth, before fast-walking out of the med bay with a briskness in her step, excited to get back to her reading.

She usually did everything here at her desk unless she needed to eat or sleep.

What was such a big deal about those books that she didn't want to read them here in the med bay?

Not wanting to think on it too much, I continued on to the far door to Liara's room.

The green light of the door controls let me know that she'd left her room unlocked.

I knocked anyway.

All the while, I let out the quietest exhales I could manage, blowing out these remnants.

She probably didn't like me like that, anyway.

Liara answered the door, wearing one of her usual science outfits, and one of her usual demure looks.

I noticed, for the first time, from this angle, and in this bright, fixed lighting from the med bay, how unique the crests over her head were. That subtle dazzle of light blue along her crown reminded me of water. It made me picture gleams of sun over the ocean, of back home on Earth where I was from.

The vastness of her eyes reminded me of the same, so wide and pure and unending.

"Hello, Commander," greeted Liara, gaze fixed on my casual uniform boots.

"Hey, Liara," I replied, having long gotten used to this from her by now. "You good?"

Keeping her head canted down, she tracked her eyes up at me in a soft way that was so…

"Mostly, yes," she murmured: gentle, breathy. "It is nice to see you again. Please, come in."

Fuck, okay, she did like me like that.

Liara stepped aside, welcoming me without words into the humble space she'd settled into back here. I wasn't surprised that she'd gravitated toward this old storage room. With the crates cleared out to make room for her bed, and a long desk for her terminal against the opposite wall, this worked well.

I shouldn't have been grinning. "So this is your hideout, huh?"

"Perhaps a hideout is a good way to describe it," accepted Liara, shifting a bit with her hands behind her back. "It is quiet here and I have no trouble concentrating on my work. I enjoy this room very much. I am grateful that Dr. Chakwas allowed me to stay here."

"Noise from the mess hall doesn't reach you?"

"Not unless they are extremely loud. It is the same for the med bay. I can get lost in my own world…"

Leaning against her desk, I gathered that I would have to keep the conversation going.

Liara had gone back to staring at my boots.

Self-conscious all of a sudden, I looked down at them, glancing them over.

Nothing there…

I guessed she just wanted to stare at anything of me: someplace with the least possible chance of accidentally making eye contact with me. Sympathizing with her, I knew that my stare was way too severe and penetrating, whether I wanted it to be or not. This habit of mine was here to stay, though.

With anyone else, I would've gotten annoyed by now.

With her, the whole thing was pretty cute, honestly.

So I asked her, "Something on your mind, Liara?"

"I am always thinking about something, Commander…"

"And in my last message," I recalled, "I told you to speak freely with me."

Liara took one step toward me, whispering, "Yes, you did."

"I'm here now. So, let's talk."

"It is—difficult to know how much is too much. If I told you absolutely everything that is on my mind, I worry… I worry that you would think differently of me, Shepard. That is the last thing I want. That is why I… That is…th-that is to say… I must watch what I say. I should. I am doing my best."

"Sounds to me like you're overthinking things."

"Overthinking what to think about? What to say about what I'm thinking about?"

I bit down on my laugh to avoid hurting her feelings. "You could say that, yeah."

"…I am making a fool of myself, aren't I?"

"That isn't true," I explained. "We're just talking."

"Commander, we are talking about what to talk about because I am too unwilling to speak my mind with you as you asked…" Liara let out a breath. "This is why I tend to avoid people. I never know what to say in these situations. Dealing with data disks and computers instead is…simpler."

"Hmm, you don't have trouble talking with the team," I pointed out, knowing what this would do to her.

Liara flinched once, then twice—nervous tics. "But—that is not…! Shepard, you are not them. They are not you. This is—it is hardly comparable!"

Pretending to sulk, I kicked away at air with my boot. "Okay, Liara, I see how it is…"

Crossing the distance between us, Liara pleaded with me, "Please, Commander, forgive me! I-I did not mean to offend you! You are right that I am comfortable speaking with the rest of our team members. That…that does not mean I value you any less in comparison!"

I laughed, more amused by her sheer look of horror than anything.

"I'm only messing with you," I admitted. "Obviously, you're more comfortable with the others. They go out of their way to spend time with you. This is the first time you and I have spoken one-on-one."

"Oh… You were only making a joke at my expense."

"Not at your expense," I emphasized. "I wanted to lighten the mood, that's all."

Liara looked at me like I'd spoken some indecipherable language. "Lighten the mood…?"

"Yeah… What's wrong with that?"

"I am sorry, Commander," she said. "You are such a serious person. I could not imagine that you would try to make light of the situation." Flinching again, she mumbled, "What a mess I have made… I cannot even speak to you properly without embarrassing myself. In fact, I was terrified that this would happen. You must think I am not worth your time…"

Liara had misplaced her self-esteem somewhere, and she was in no condition to go looking for it.

Now that she was closer to me, staring down at the full angle to my boots, I saw the way she trembled.

I knew: if I so much as folded my arms, or sighed, or did anything else that she could take as impatience or frustration, I risked breaking her heart. I knew, because her heart was right there on her long sleeve, pumping and beating at an insane rate.

Still hiding her hands behind her back, every breath she let out held the echoes of her quickening beats.

She longed for me to speak, unable and unwilling to fathom the possibility of not waiting her turn.

Anderson had told me in his letter, "Be kind to your squad."

Looking into Liara's eyes that refused to make contact with mine, I felt…purified by her sincerity.

"I don't think that, Liara," I reassured her. "I doubt I ever could think that about you."

"R-Really?" she asked, her pupils snapping to mine, dilating as they did. "But—how could you not?"

"You haven't done anything wrong. I'm not gonna judge you for something like this. It's out of your control. We'll keep talking. Over time, I'm sure things will change. And if they don't, that's fine, too."

Liara smiled at me, brighter than the day. "Okay. Thank you…for choosing to be kind with me."

"Yeah, that's not something I hear every day," I mentioned, scowling.

Still smiling anyway, Liara's sincerity got to me again: "That is why I said choose. I understand that you are not normally like this with other people. You surprise me, Shepard."

"Mmm, I bet," I commented, not wanting to get deeper into this. "You said you had a gift for me?"

"Yes, I do," she confirmed, shifting her arms behind her back. "It is yours—if you still want it…"

During my shower, I had thought about bringing her a present, too, but…

Aside from the Protheans and other science or history-related things, I had no idea what she liked.

"Sure. What is it?"

Liara handed me a thin, white, square case that fit right in my palms.

Some parts of it were warm from her hands, from her having held this case in the middle of her nerves.

Studying the case, the front bore an avant-garde painting of the bust of an asari. She had broad shoulders and a thick, strong neck, her face and crests twisted and distorted a bit in added femininity. When I opened the case, I found a CD inside, with a short track list printed over it.

An actual CD…

This had to have been hundreds of years old. She'd kept it in perfect condition, too.

Not quite believing that she paid attention to me this closely, I asked, "Liara…is this a music album?"

"Yes, Commander, it is," replied Liara. "Back on Therum when you found me that day, I was not able to hear your music through your headphones. I could only assume that you would enjoy music that is evocative, thoughtful, atmospheric… This album has that sound, along with… Well…a bit more, too."

Whenever I was in the mood for it, I did like listening to that kind of music: trip-hop, electronic songs.

How did she figure this out about me?

Without any hints.

Without anything to go off of, except for my personality.

Liara sat down at her terminal. "Seeing as how computers these days won't read CDs anymore, I downloaded the digital album instead. We can listen to a song now if you would like."

"Yeah, thanks… Pick whichever one you think I'll like the most."

She already had her mouse hovered over one song in particular.

From the moment she clicked play, an otherworldly atmosphere overtook the room, bass booming in thoughtfulness. And then, an electronic sound, a woman's touch, subtle vulnerability in emotionality, and a romantic, sacred, heavenly obsession woven through the singer's angelic voice, through her lyrics.

So needy, and soothing, and loving, and passionate—provocative, sexual, all at the same time.

I stared off at nothing, listening to this, letting my eyes wander around, near, and over Liara's bed.

Liara stood up again, leaning over her desk like I did, right next to me.

She kept our shoulders and our sides pressed together, watching me in profile from her, not blinking.

Listening to this apex of sound, something deep in my mind and in my heart ascended, right toward her.

When it was over, Liara turned the volume down.

She kept the song on repeat, low enough for us to speak again, to hear each other.

Liara breathed her words close to my ear, "Are you satisfied, Shepard?"

Now I was the one who couldn't look at her—"More than satisfied. That was…something else. Where did you find this?"

"Back on Thessia, my homeworld," she told me. "It was the first thing I ever purchased with my own funds. I had listened to a sample of this song over the extranet. That was when I knew I wanted the album in my hands. I spent several days trying to track down a physical copy. In fact, when I finally found it, I remember my mother tried to take it away from me."

"Why would Benezia do that? It was your CD. You bought it with your own money."

"She wished to listen to the album herself, to see if it would have any negative influences on me…"

"I think I see where you're going with this," I noticed. Liara nodded, solemn. "I'm guessing since your mother was such an important figure, she must've been strict with you."

Liara recalled: "Yes, she and the rest of asari high society had great expectations of me. Benezia initially supported my curiosities with history and archaeology, back when I was much younger… However, as time went on, she expected me to fall out of my phase with my research. I turned down the many non-scientific internships she would arrange for me. This caused tensions between us to flare."

"How bad was it?"

"It was manageable for a while. I found my own ways to not allow it to overwhelm me. But things grew worse once I declared that my undergraduate major would be history-related. My mother fought against this, demanding that I change to something involving philosophy or religion. She was an influential professor in both of these fields, so it made sense that I should follow in her footsteps."

I almost couldn't believe it. "You rebelled against her, then?"

"I suppose you could say that," accepted Liara. "I was torn for the longest, Shepard. She was my mother, after all. She had raised me, cared for me, and showed me such kindness. I wished to please her, to do what she wanted me to do. Yet I couldn't deny the irresistible pull of my research. I had to choose."

"Yeah, I can respect that. But, aside from your arguments about this, was your mother always kind?"

Liara went blank.

She stared straight ahead at nothing, lost in her own head.

She seemed to remember something: the answer to my question.

Then, like a flickering light, she blinked once in a flinching pain, and then again as normal.

"Liara, hey," I called, nudging her. "You still with me?"

"Shepard! I… Yes, I am here. I'm sorry—could you please repeat the question?"

"I was only asking if your mother Benezia was usually nice with you," I rephrased. "You mentioned that she was strict. Strict enough to monitor the music you listened to. Sounded like she wanted to control your whole life, too. I get why the two of you don't talk anymore. I'm wondering if it was all bad."

Instead of going blank again, Liara held herself around her waist.

She shivered against me, as if cold, all while fighting to stay in the moment.

Worried now, I didn't want to take her out of this battle, or help win it for her.

I watched her, closely. Whenever she flinched, the movement felt visceral to me. Like she did it as more than a nervous tic. Like she did it to stop herself, to hold something back.

"My mother…wanted me to be pure," recalled Liara at last, monotone. "She had a very sweet pet name for me. I was her little wing. In her eyes, I was not allowed to be anything else. Anything other than what she wanted. For many years, I believed that our wishes overlapped well enough, and that there was nothing wrong. Then, I rebelled. Then, I went my own way. Then we stopped speaking."

"Was that only an illusion?" I asked. "How your wishes overlapped for a while."

"I think…yes. Yes, it was only that—an illusion."

"What did you really want? Deep down, I mean."

Liara had no real need to think about it, yet she took her time anyway, before revealing:

"I wanted my control, Shepard. I wanted to seize my own life, make my own way. Benezia tried to control everything about me, everything I did. We had our worst argument yet when she discovered how deeply I resented her. I do not quite remember how the argument started… All I can recall is that she had caught me researching something that she did not approve of… Something that…had confirmed how confined I felt in life because of her. And then, she took her anger out on me."

Assuming the worst, I let the concerns sound through my voice, "Liara…don't tell me—"

"—oh, no!" Liara caught herself. "Commander, my mother never abused me! I promise you, she did not lay a hand on me or anything of the sort. There is no need to be concerned. It was nothing like that. It is just…after the argument… We grew distant. I forgot the true reasons why. I cannot remember what I have forgotten. I never grasped the truth of why I couldn't set my resentment aside and forgive her."

I remembered something Kaidan had said, back on the Citadel when we first found Tali: "You know, not all wounds are physical."

Liara took those words to heart, falling deep into thought.

Again, I didn't want her to run away from this, or for me to fight her battles for her.

This was something she had to figure out on her own.

CD case in-hand, I stood up properly. "Hey, this seems like something you need to sort through by yourself. Don't let me get in your way. I should head back to my cabin."

"Certainly… Yes, yes of course. Thank you for stopping by, Shepard."

Despite everything, I felt such a strong instinct, a growing need to protect her anyway.

I couldn't do that. Not directly.

Still, I could at least…try with her.

"I'll check on you tomorrow, Liara," I promised. "I do want us to talk more."

"Commander, there was something else I wanted us to do. Your visions from the beacon on Eden Prime—I wished to offer my aid, to help you make sense of things. However, as you have pointed out, now is not the best time… After I have cleared my head, do you think we could carry on once you return?"

"Sounds good to me. I could use the help. Thanks again for the music. I'll stop by around noon."

Liara gave me a rather absent smile. "Thank you, Shepard. I will see you then."

Back in my cabin, I bought the digital version of this album, listening to the whole thing on repeat for hours on-end. The kind of vulnerability here was one that I craved to know for myself: to sink my teeth into it, to devour it, to own it and twist it into another woman's unimaginable pleasure.

Unimaginable, because she might've been running away from it—out of fear, uncertainty.

Unimaginable, because I would know this woman so well as to pick up on her darkest needs—to make her want every single thing she'd spent so much time avoiding.

All of that made everything so much better.

I tried to play my video games to distract myself from all of this. None of it worked. I couldn't stop thinking about Liara, about how she managed to keep catching me off-guard, surprising me.

Obviously, Liara had that appeal for me with her demons.

From the moment we first met, I sensed it in her: the potential, from how much she held back, from how shy she was, how isolated she was, how naïve she seemed to be about most things. Plus, she was…gorgeous, intelligent, kind and compassionate. That was what had kept my face heated way more than I wanted while I'd spent that time carrying her, making that impossible effort for her.

That was what had drawn me to my music choices that day, sensual as my sudden feelings for her.

That was what had me feeling this type of way about her, now, still.

And unless I'd read her all wrong, she did like me, too.

I could have brought out more in her, showed Liara all about the things she kept under lock and key.

Something told me to not go there with her.

Liara had her own quiet strength. She could handle plenty by herself. She'd gotten this far in her hundred-plus year life without anyone holding her hand. She could deal with her own problems.

It was just this one thing that seemed to run way too deep, even for her.

I didn't want to hurt her.

The last thing I wanted was to upset Liara somehow, to make her cry because of something I did wrong.

I normally wouldn't give a fuck.

From this heat constantly bursting out of my chest, high-octane and unending, I did. I fucking cared.

So, I set my alarm for an hour before noon, and collapsed in bed. Powering down, I resigned myself to this pain in restraint. I reined myself in. I tightened these shackles, these chains around myself, locking them over me. I controlled my aggressiveness: this endless capacity I had to destroy someone's entire perception of herself, and to revel in her pain as she found her forbidden delights with me.

I had to keep this in-check.

I had to tame my own strength, my own power to completely ruin someone else, to devastate her.

A hurricane, destined only to destroy.

Long ago, someone taught me that this was all I was.

I finally accepted her vindictive wisdom for Liara's sake, and fell asleep.

What felt like seconds later, I woke to my alarm, exhausted from my emotions running at full speed all throughout the night.

Mists of Liara's essence had fogged my head and spirited my dreams into the shape of her.

Ghosts of her voice, hazes of her breath over my lips, and the deceptive, thick pressure of her tongue against mine.

Whispers of her sighs, of her saying my name, quietly, and then louder, harder and more intense—before slipping back down, right in-time with the way I moved on top of her.

I rolled over underneath my heated sheets, gripping my head and groaning, pressurized with these false memories of Liara's body, of the way she fucking needed me so much.

This infatuation had incinerated me overnight, leaving me still burning, cinders rising.

Still, there was a part of me that enjoyed—and needed—this change of pace.

I could finally stop myself from nearly thinking of Ashley in the same ways, as distant and removed as she had been from me over this past month.

But, was this thing with Liara…only a distraction? I couldn't know. I couldn't know, so I kept running.

Another cold shower, and I made my way down to the mess hall to get something to eat.

Normally, I woke up much earlier. I would cook, heat up, or take what I wanted, and then bring it back to my quarters to eat in peace. I did this to avoid the usual traffic in the mess hall around this time of day. Ever since freeing up the Normandy's budget a bit, we could afford some actual food. I wanted to take advantage of this as much as I could. Sitting with company wasn't part of that.

We had docked the ship at a fuel station according to an earlier announcement from Joker, freeing the crew up to take some extended time off for breakfast.

Wrex, Tali, Garrus, and Kaidan sat at the tables in the mess hall, chatting with Joker as he made meals for everyone in the kitchen nearby. The way they all talked and laughed together didn't bother me. It was the way I felt like I was somewhere far away from the Normandy right now, and their presence only reminded me of this weird out-of-body feeling of mine.

"'Morning, Commander!" greeted Joker, still setting ingredients out over the counters. "Wow, I don't think I've seen you in the mess for breakfast since… Never! The heck are you doing up this late?"

"Hello to you, too, Joker," I deadpanned, heading to the fridge.

"Hey, wait a minute! Are you really just gonna grab something and go? Even though we're all here?"

"Yes," I said, browsing for something to heat up.

Wrex called from his seat, "C'mon, Shepard, why not sit with us? I'm actually gonna try your human food. Don't you wanna see how much I hate it?"

"Yeah, Commander, why not?" added Garrus. "We haven't had the chance to share a meal with you yet. We should spend some time together."

Tali wanted the same: "Yes, Shepard, we should! Joker's making dextro-friendly food for Garrus and me. You and everybody else can have your food." She noticed my lingering reservations. "Please? You won't have to talk to us if you don't want to… It's about having you here with us, that's all."

"We miss your company, Commander," said Kaidan in earnest.

"What they said," affirmed Joker. "We're not gonna bite, Shepard… Come on!"

Liara's room was close by. Was she awake yet?

"Fine," I accepted.

Joker cheered, "Sweet, awesome!"

"Just don't try to be cute, Joker," I warned. "I want something normal to eat. Not that gourmet shit you burned last week. And whatever you make, put some seasoning in it. You know—salt, pepper?"

"Pssh, yeah, yeah, I know! You're a picky eater. I got it. Go on and have a seat! I'll be done in a jiffy."

At the tables, I saw Garrus and Wrex sitting next to each other on one side, with Tali and Kaidan across from them. I made my way over there, not really sure where to sit. Tali and Kaidan were closer, but there were a bunch of empty chairs off to the side, too.

For some fucking reason, Kaidan stood up on my approach. He gave me a fumbling sort of smile, moving his hands as if he was about to pull out a chair for me.

The chair right next to Tali, where he had just been.

I glared at him.

I was not in the mood to explain to him why this was a bad move.

Kaidan shrunk away from me, retreating a few seats away, and sat back down.

I took his old seat next to Tali anyway, pulling the chair out my damn self.

In the kitchen behind me, Joker cracked up laughing as he scrambled the raw eggs: battering, cackling.

Garrus coughed. "Rookie mistake."

"I'll say," agreed Wrex with a grin.

Tali put way too much thought into this: "Is it really that obvious to be a rookie mistake? I mean…is it?"

"Uh, yes!" called Joker.

I sniped back, "Guys, seriously? We're not doing this!"

"Sorry, Shepard," shirked Tali.

"Whatever."

Garrus took the gigantic cue to change the subject: "Any idea where Liara is? She's not usually up this early. But, since most of us are here, I figured she might want to join."

"Oh, she's awake," said Tali. "I saw her leave the showers when I walked by about half an hour ago. She went back to her room afterward. I did invite her to breakfast, by the way. Said she wasn't hungry." She recalled something: "You know, I just realized the strangest thing. Liara never takes warm showers. There's no steam or anything coming from her stall whenever I run into her. Only cold water, it seems."

Did she…?

Joker nearly dropped his spatula, suppressing his coughs. "Whoa, whoa! Tali, what the hell?!"

"What?!" she shot back.

"I don't get it, either," confessed Garrus.

Wrex hummed in contemplation.

Kaidan slumped down in his seat, trying to disappear from the room.

I folded my arms and set my jaw, needing to mask this relentless energy jolting through my skin.

Tali huffed, "Okay, fine! Don't explain. I'll ask her about it later." Joker cringed, but otherwise left the issue alone. "Speaking of awkward topics, I was going to ask Kaidan about one earlier." She pretended to shout, "Since he's all the way over there now, I can't talk to him properly!"

Garrus asked, "What about?"

"Err, well—it's about Ashley."

Wrex remembered: "You mean how Alenko insists we've got it all wrong about her?"

"Yes," confirmed Tali. "We never kicked her out of—" She censored herself, probably because of me. "TRS. I spoke to her privately. We had a long talk. I don't know, she actually sounded sincere. I'm willing to believe she doesn't secretly hate us, and that she's only hiding it to stay on the Normandy…"

Joker wasn't convinced: "Then why'd Ash freak out when Shepard put her in the hot seat?"

"Right, that's what gets me. I think of that, and I'm back to feeling like she's lying to save herself."

Kaidan spoke up, "You've got it all wrong… There is something else. She's not willing to discuss it yet."

Less accepting, Wrex asked, "Well, why the hell not? If it clears her name, she should explain!"

"It's… It's private. That's all I can say. She needs to sort this all out. Give her some time first. Please?"

Tali shrugged. "If what you say is true, then I can accept that. You can let her know."

"I want to be on good terms with Ashley again," said Garrus. "She's a capable soldier, and before this whole thing, I never would have thought she had something like this in her. So, I'll wait, too."

"We'll see," allowed Wrex, putting on a front of not caring either way.

After breakfast, the others left with Joker to the helm, needing to talk about some other secret thing. I couldn't bring myself to mind how they spent their time between missions. They took care of building their team morale on their own, without me needing to go out of my way to keep it going for them.

It wasn't quite noon yet.

Unable to sit here and wait, I went back up to my cabin: to brush my teeth again, to brush my hair out again, to freshen up in general—again.

I took a long look at one of my spare bottles of aromatherapy sprays. I liked using these on my sheets and my casual clothes to get rid of the stale non-smell from the Normandy, and to help me sleep.

I considered giving this to Liara as a present, since she had already given me something.

Maybe she would like the smell: black chamomile. Soft, smart, and smooth. The same scent that I had on right now. Or maybe…I should have saved this for the one who was really on my mind, deep in my subconscious. Deeper than that, I imagined Ashley smelling me, enjoying this in her own obsessions.

I pushed down this hot, hot ember growing in my chest for her, unable to extinguish it; sprinting away from her, again.

Back in the mess hall, on my way to the med bay and to Liara's room, I again didn't have to worry about Dr. Chakwas. She sat at a table in the mess, alone, drinking from her coffee mug, and eating a light brunch. Her e-book reader sat over the surface as she read. Whatever it was, she was really into it. I figured she would probably head back to her room again once she was done eating. Without nearly as many active crew aboard, she had no serious need to stay glued to her desk in the med bay like before.

Thankfully, Dr. Chakwas didn't notice me walking by, as stiff and unprepared as I was.

Green next to Liara's door again.

I knocked, again.

Liara answered the door immediately.

Unlike before, she looked right at me this time.

Liara had already picked up some of my intensity, her eyes scanning me all over, studying me. She inhaled, once, taking in my scent with a subtlety I might not have noticed, had I not cared to spot this about her. With her pupils widening and her breaths quickening, she reminded herself to say something:

"Good day, Commander."

Throbbing from her acute attention on me, I asked, "Can I come in?"

She stepped aside, watching me walk in her room.

She studied my posture, the light movement in my shoulders, and the forced-military-lack-of-movement in my hips—all from only a few steps.

I felt my face heating up again as the door closed behind me.

Needing some space, I went to lean against her desk like before, arms folded down over my waist.

This language, trying to protect myself…from what?

Liara started the conversation, sounding light enough, "Did you enjoy your breakfast with the others?"

"Not exactly… I only stayed with them because they wouldn't take no for an answer."

She frowned, a bit pissed off. "Hmm."

I asked, "What? They didn't tell you?"

"No, they left that part out," said Liara, stepping a bit closer to me. "I figured you did not truly wish to be there. I assume you did not have much to talk about while you sat with them, either."

"Can't say I'm much of a social butterfly."

Liara smiled. "That is true."

"What about you? How are you doing? You know, from last night."

Then, she retreated into herself again. Quiet, cold breaths.

"Let's not discuss that now," evaded Liara. "It is not important in the grand scheme of things…"

Not believing her, I changed the subject anyway, "Then what is important?"

"Your visions from the beacon on Eden Prime. Do you remember the offer I made, Shepard?"

"Yeah, you said you'd help me make sense of what I saw," I repeated back to her. "How, though?"

Liara fought her urge to stare down at my boots, to avoid my stare. "I could join my mind with yours, to perhaps piece together these images you witnessed. The melding process…it joins our nervous systems as one, allowing me to see what you sense."

All as just a casual thing, sure… "Okay, but how will you know what to look for?"

"I will see whatever is most pressing on your mind, Commander."

"The beacon wouldn't really be that thing, Liara…"

Liara was so fucking innocent. "Of course it would be," she claimed. "You suffered a great deal when you interacted with the device, when those images flooded your senses. Your mind should have been utterly destroyed by the process! Instead, you persevered. That is quite remarkable." I still had a bad feeling about this. Plus, giving up my control like that…? "Shepard, you need not worry. Your strong personality may make things a bit difficult for me, but I will manage. Please, I only wish to help you."

If I outright refused, then she would've wanted to know why.

I doubted that she'd have pushed the issue if I told her no.

Still, my refusal would've let Liara wonder too much.

More than she should have.

"Do it, then," I allowed.

"Very well," said Liara, taking a shuddering breath. "I have never done this before… I promise that I will do my best." She stepped closer to me, closer, closest. "Close your eyes…" Having to follow her commands and letting her in my head: it put me on-edge, bringing up an irrational hostility that color-coded my thoughts for me. "Try to relax, Commander. Embrace eternity!"

Black of her sight, red of mine:

Images from the Prothean beacon scratched in and out of existence, scattering and jumbling and screaming in a scarred howl of the ones who'd died in this blaze of destruction. Unclear, unreadable, nothing there made sense—not the fire of the sky, and not even the suffering and agony of the victims.

Underneath those screams, I felt Liara's efforts, picking up on all that I'd suppressed about her, reeling.

I couldn't see any of it myself.

I couldn't describe it, couldn't name what any of those thoughts were.

Only darkness crested over my mind's sight.

Liara had a full view of all that was there, of all that I had purposely suppressed out of my reach.

That damned hurricane, right in the eye of the storm.

When she ended the melding, I had my head to myself again. But, this silence between us… This new view Liara had of me, how she stared at me in such shock—I couldn't stand it. I hated knowing that she knew this shit about me now. And so I scowled in this hatred, shaking my head; avoiding her silent stare.

"Commander, that was…"

The rising and falling of her chest, quickening: Liara had probably seen all the ways I wanted to make her mine. Forceful, strong, willful and without holding anything back.

The rise and fall of her chest, faster: Liara had likely seen that hurricane of me. How it had spun out of her control and mine, destroying who she thought she was, and replacing that emptiness with the truth of how hard she took it from me, screaming my name all the while.

Rise and fall of her chest: she breathed without breathing, eyes staring through me at a distant horror.

Standing up, level with her now, I felt my heartbeats accelerating. Loss of control of the situation:

"Liara…? Hey! What's wrong?"

Picking up on my own growing panic, she raised her shaking hands to her face—

Like a bursting fountain of breathless air, Liara couldn't stop it anymore—

The scratch of her voice through her constant breaths, pitched higher and higher, quicker and quicker.

Breathing harder, and harder, nothing worked, nothing helped, and nothing calmed her.

Liara wouldn't stop shaking.

She gripped at her face to make it all stop, to no avail.

Her whole body raised and fell with her breathing, continual breathing, relentless breathing that couldn't, wouldn't fill her lungs with actual oxygen and keep it there.

The air spilled from her chest, back out again, only for her to breathe harder to catch it, failing, falling, like water slipping from her hands as her entire being rumbled beyond my sight.

"Liara, what's going on?!"

I grabbed her shoulders with my own shaking hands, trying and failing to hold her still.

"Why can't you breathe? What's wrong? Talk to me!"

Shaking her head, she dragged her hands down to her chest. Unable to push these palpitations down, all Liara could do was keep at this, louder and louder, worse and worse.

I felt like I was about to lose her, like I was about to kill her from what she saw.

"Shit, shit! Liara, fuck, calm down!"

Higher and higher, her pitched voice kept clawing at her breaths, loudest.

I couldn't help her on my own.

I darted my eyes toward the door.

"Stay here!" I ordered, about to make a run for it. "I need to get Dr. Chakwas! Hold on!"

Holding at the doorframe as I tried to run outside, I stayed wedged between Liara's room and the med bay. Empty, no one there—Dr. Chakwas wasn't there, she wasn't there. That meant she was in her room. Her reading, her free time. I had to get to her room down the hall; I had to move from this place.

Liara forced her scream out for me in quickness and in dire need:

"Shepard, don't leave me!"

Limbs locked, my body stopped in place, like I'd collided against an impassable space.

Liara had overridden my own panic, my own knee-jerk bolting from the situation.

An anxiety attack…

I should have realized it sooner.

Retreating back into her room, I waited for the doors to shut closed again.

Standing in front of Liara as she hid away from me, even between her still-going panicking, breathing and breathing without breaths, I knew I couldn't be selfish with her.

Not now, not ever.

I wrapped my arms around Liara's shuddering waist, pulling her close to me.

She stiffened in shame first, trying to wriggle out of my hold. I wouldn't let her. I stayed still.

I let Liara lower her face to the smooth angle of my chest, not minding these wet specks from her eyes that had slipped down to my shirt. More warmth, wider spreading over the material, through to my skin underneath, hotter with her breathing.

Liara gripped me around my shoulders, hooking herself there, against me, to keep from falling into her own abyss.

I strengthened myself here as her anchor, as she needed.

"Hey, I'm here," I told her, calm and steady. "Stay with me, Liara." Slowing, steadying. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry…" She started to match my own breathing, finding her stability through mine. "I'm not going anywhere. You're safe with me."

And then, she was all right again.

She could finally breathe as normal, calming down.

This softness of her, of her presence and her light weight in my arms—I didn't want to let her go.

The undulating ridges of her hearing along the side of her head, underneath her crests—I knew she heard this struggle in my own breaths, no matter how hard I tried to suffocate it.

I had told myself to box this up and keep it away from her.

Now, that seemed so pointless. Or at least in the original way I'd imagined it.

I needed to find a new box, a new safe, a new lock and a new key to contain this with. The old ones had broken beyond repair. They splintered again, just to make a point, when Liara raised her head a bit, wiping her face.

For the time being, I could help her through this.

"You all right?" I asked.

Liara sniffled and nodded, reddening through her blue.

"When these things happen… As far as I know, you're not supposed to avoid whatever caused it."

"I know," she said with a hard voice.

"Have you been avoiding it?"

Sniffling one last time, in such effort, Liara scowled at her last tears streaking down my neck.

"I had been, yes," she replied, still unyielding.

Censoring myself, I suggested, "Do you mind giving me an idea of what it's about?"

Liara knew exactly what it was, but she chose to be vague: "Something I had repressed for many years."

"Something…?"

Something she had forgotten.

Seizing her control after living with her controlling mother.

Caught researching this something that would've helped her find her own control.

"Shepard, you are wise enough to know what I mean. I don't wish to discuss it with you right now."

And a traumatizing argument with Benezia that had caused the two of them to stop speaking altogether.

Liara stepped out of my hold.

With a closed fist, she pressed a button over her door controls to lock it, the red gleaming over where the green had been. She then went to sit down on her bed, next to the neat fold of her white comforter. She hunched over, hanging her head in her hands. Without a word, I felt the way she scolded herself, chastised herself over falling apart in front of me, and over everything else that had spilled out without her say-so.

Even after all that, and the tone she'd used with me, Liara still had her hands situated in a way so as to keep me in her view, in her periphery.

Editing the affront from my own tone, I asked her, "Do you wanna get some rest?"

Liara pierced my eyes with one look, like she'd learned to do from me.

Or maybe she hadn't learned it from me, and I was just the one who had brought this out.

I walked over to her.

Sitting down at Liara's side, I stayed close to her, the heat of her limbs against mine.

This open confinement of her room made me feel like we were out in the middle of nowhere, together. Together, locked in here because she wished it, and because I didn't have the nerve to leave her alone like this. Outside the Normandy's walls and hull, we drifted across the stars, across nowhere, going nowhere, with all the time in the universe—for now.

Taking off her shoes, Liara crawled into bed properly. Moving over, nearer to the wall, she lay down on her side, facing away from me. She kept her head over her long pillow, perfectly halved to leave room. Then she pulled up her comforter right to her legs. She stopped there, like she expected something.

I twisted myself around to look down at her.

She twisted her neck around enough to look back at me.

Liara kept on piercing me with her expectations, twisting me.

"Yes, I do want to rest," she finally responded, hardened, still.

I let out a rigid breath, mouth welded shut.

Liara had made herself clear.

Clearer than I'd ever imagined she could have at this stage.

I leaned over to take off my boots, wishing I'd had some old-fashioned laces to busy myself with.

Settling my head down over my apparent half of her pillow, I lay down over my back, stiff as a board.

Liara faced herself fully away again. She shifted around a bit, making a point to move her comforter.

I slipped my legs under the fullness of the material.

Something about the comfort here made me think Liara had owned this thing for a long time.

Glancing at her head, the inflection point of the ends of her crests still faced me, rippling down to the back of her slender neck. Then, the whole curve of Liara's side swelled and surged as she shifted, again, wanting something else from me.

Getting the hint, I brought her comforter up over both of us, turning to face her as I did.

This light, breezy, gentle smell of her, I breathed in over her pillow, and over her pale blue sheets. And again, closer and clearer when Liara let me pull her back against my front, fitting herself here against me. She shifted, and shifted, piecing herself against the puzzle of me, shorter than me as she was. She soon settled herself, angling her hips in the support of my bent legs, toward her, with her head fitting right beside the slope of my neck.

And how she reveled, quietly, with the softest of laughs as I breathed out this absolute pressure over the top of her head.

My hand draped over her waist, holding her here—I could have done more. Could have.

Deeper breathing.

Liara had already started falling asleep in my arms.

So I emptied my thoughts as best as I could, letting myself rest with her.

Not a sound, not another soul around for miles, lightyears. Her own world, and Liara had pulled me right in without an order, without a single argument from me, taking me away from all that I couldn't face.