Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

5. Fearless

"Brave" by Jhené Aiko / "Beyond the Stars" by Apocalyptica (first ~5 mins only) / "What the Future Holds" from Mass Effect 2: Atmospheric

V. Fearless

(Shepard)

The endless haze of this day so far clouded over me, perspiration over my skin prickling me awake.

Locked away from the rest of the ship, this breezy scent from Liara's pillow and sheets greeted me awake. The same from the top of her crests met my nose as I inhaled, finding her still in my arms. This continuance, unexpected, made me take a sharper breath than I'd intended. The swell of my chest pressed a bit tighter against the back of Liara's shoulders. Feeling me through her sleep, she shifted, once, settling closer against me; and then she sighed, soft and satisfied, before relaxing again.

Liara was here with me.

She was still here, asleep against me, on her side with me behind her, just like we'd fallen asleep earlier.

She still had her peace in her sleep, uninterrupted.

Liara leaned back more against me, using my whole body to cushion herself.

I held back my reactions this time.

There was no fucking way I could fall back asleep like this.

What time was it, anyway?

Checking my omni-tool was impossible—I needed my right hand to activate it, but I couldn't move without waking Liara up. We had moved a bit, with my right arm under the open slope of her neck, the leanness of my bicep bolstering her sleep. And I couldn't turn around to check the time on Liara's terminal, either—not without waking her up.

Throbbing between my legs again, wanting Liara again, I had no escape from this agony.

None whatsoever…not until Liara shifted again, like she sensed my silent suffering. I stayed completely still. I refused to breathe too hard, to avoid any blame for pulling her out of her sleep. She needed her rest, after all. After everything that had happened, and everything I could yet to imagine, I accepted that she needed some time to sort through her own problems. Whether she let me in and allowed me to be there for her, well—that was another story.

I hoped that she would.

All the same, I wouldn't have been surprised if she kept her distance after this, refusing to trust me.

The more I solidified this feeling inside of me, the more Liara seemed to react to me. Like she knew, somehow. Like she had picked up on the sway of my emotions. Like she had learned to gauge me and read me without a word, all from that single instance of joining her mind, her nervous system with mine.

Attached to me, enough for this bond to form between us.

Inhibitions eroding, eroding away, Liara kept moving against me a little at a time. She let out such a low whine at the steam of my breaths against her. This comforter over us had turned the space between us and around us into a damned oven. And then, she reached back for my left hand, pressing my palm firmer over her waist: guiding, inviting.

She almost made me pass out when she started grinding her ass against my navel, my thighs.

I growled to stay conscious—"Liara…"

She wouldn't stop.

She wouldn't…

Needing this friction, Liara kept pushing at me in discovery, fitting herself tighter and tighter against me. Just being on me like this wasn't enough for her—she had to press right down on me where she knew I would feel it the most, where she knew it would provoke me to respond:

"Why now…?"

Easing my waist away from her backside, I had already started panting against her, painting over her skin the pain I put myself through in restraint. In protest, Liara had the nerve to keep whining, moaning, like she didn't know exactly what she did to me. I didn't want her to protest; I didn't want her to not get her way. I wanted to give her everything she wanted. I wanted to make her feel wanted, maybe for the first time in her life, and without scaring her again.

This irresistible pull, undenied: pulling at my body, pulling at my head to pull me down, bringing my lips to the bare of her neck above her collar. This first for me, of easing my entire essence over her, against her skin, into the tracts of her breathing harder, higher, and without panic this time. Unbridled, Liara moved with this motion of me, crying out her breathy ecstasy—exactly how I'd imagined before.

I held Liara close with a tenderness I never knew I had, needing to keep learning this near-aquatic taste of her, of wind and water both. Just as compelling, just as fluid, Liara folded herself into my body as she let me know her here. And, as soon as I brought my hand up to her collar, she wanted the whole thing off. She tugged at the flap of the fabric, impatience of her slender hands fumbling over my patient one, her fingers lacing atop mine and pulling, pulling down.

Liara stopped short of taking her top off.

She left it on, primed to remove, with her hands knitted between the freed flaps, still feeling me.

She used her backside to bump at me, pushing away from her and over onto my back. I let myself roll with the motion. A little thrown from her suddenness, I reminded myself to keep this same energy with her, and to not escalate anything unless I knew for damn sure that she wanted me to.

Again, like before, Liara chose to validate me for my choices with her. Arms folded over her front to keep her top on, she sat up in bed. Only then did I realize that my arm had fallen asleep—my arm that she had slept over, using it as a second pillow. Numbness and tingling distracted me from the way Liara turned to observe me, making her mind up about something. I groaned from the ridiculous effort of shifting my arm into another position to wake it up, on top of everything else that had happened so far.

"You surprise me, Commander," mused Liara, seeming to make a point of using my rank. "I had no idea you could be this gentle…let alone want me like this in the first place." She admired the way my hair had fanned out behind me, under me. "Should I let this go any further, would I be allowed to—?"

She kept gazing at the winding spill of my hair behind me, so…

"You can touch my hair however much you want, Liara," I told her, smirking. "I'm just amused that you're asking at all."

Liara avoided my eyes. "Well, I did some light reading on your culture…"

"Light reading, huh?" I asked, smirking more. She clammed up, then, not knowing what else to say. "You don't have to play coy with me. Not about this." Kneading out the last of this discomfort from my arm, I knew without a doubt that Liara had done her research on me—all of me. I thought against teasing her over it, grateful that she cared this much. "You're incredibly sweet, you know. Pretty much the opposite of me. At the same time, when you're angry, you'll let me know without a doubt… I like that about you."

"Do you, Shepard…?"

"Yeah, I mean it. I like you, Liara. More than I can handle at times… I really…care about you."

Liara took my words to heart, letting them fill her. That filling filled an empty, bottomless void in her that had gone unfulfilled for far too long. In that limitlessness inside of her, I understood what this meant. No matter how many times I could say the words, or act on my feelings, Liara would never be satisfied—done, full, or completely validated, enough to move on from me for greener pastures.

There was something about the way my words and my actions so far had stuck to her, both infinitesimal in that void and quintessential to her own feelings about herself.

In this single act of acceptance, Liara had taken the idea of needing me to the next level.

Far beyond anything that I had ever thought possible.

But in her acceptance, I still sensed that lingering mingle of hurt, anger, disbelief, shock, and anxiety.

Those subconscious reasons for her repressions: they had yet to agree with me being here with them, sharing this same psychological space, and affecting Liara's emotions to this degree, this extreme.

That edge in her voice again: "As damaged as I am, all things considered, I doubt you would be put off by my problems. You are remarkably strong-willed, Commander. I do not believe that I could ever chase you away with…this thing about me. Perhaps not directly. Know that I take comfort in that."

She knew herself best—I was in no place to challenge her on it. "Then what are you worried about?"

Liara kept one arm over her front, still keeping her clothes in place, using her other hand to guide her around. She settled her legs at either side of me, mounting my waist in hesitation. This tightness of her clothes kept me from feeling her as much as I wanted to, but for her, for this first time, Liara was more than pleased by how I felt as her foundation. The more I growled over the surprise of how wet she was over me, the more she lessened her hesitations, settling in with the relative lightness of her full weight.

Letting my head lull to one side, I caught the idling screensaver over Liara's terminal on her desk, displaying the time in Earth hours, the same as we followed on the ship: 15:34, or 3:34p.m.

Pulling my attention back to her, Liara leaned over my body with hers. This lock of her arms kept her chest from settling over mine. This purposeful distance she kept between our faces helped me zero in on her eyes, her in-depth study of me.

Yet she still said something to contradict that:

"I fear that I want you in ways that you may disagree with. You might become uncomfortable with me."

Not buying it at all, I asked, "Liara, you've never slept with anyone, never been in a relationship—right?"

"Yes, that's correct," she confirmed. "However, you must also understand that this, what we are doing—I am not asking for a relationship with you. I don't expect us to have one for quite some time, if at all."

"Wait, what?"

Liara wasn't in the mood to repeat herself. "You heard me, Shepard."

I wasn't expecting her to be my girlfriend today, now, just like that.

But the way she needed to hear me say that I liked her, that I cared about her…what was that about?

"That is the conundrum I'm dealing with," reinforced Liara. "Though I did say that my issues would not put you off, this adds another layer of complexity to things." One hand she used to run her nails through my hair, finding the fineness of my falls to her liking, to her silent fixation. "I won't ask you to wait for me, Commander. I shouldn't. I can't… There are many others who want you, who are available for you."

This near-nausea in the pit of my stomach.

This sweat coating over my palms.

This darkening of my sight, of everything beyond the blue borders of her skin, her face, her neck.

This feeling, like I was about to lose her again—like I was about to lose something, someone I never had.

What the hell was wrong with me? And why was she the one to bring this out?

"Hang on a minute," I said, needing to catch myself here. "It's clear that things between us are too involved already for us to just date. What do you think a relationship is supposed to be, exactly?"

"A monogamous commitment to share our lives together in totality."

"Liara, that's marriage," I distinguished.

"Shepard, there is no need to be pedantic," she insisted. "What is the point you are trying to make?"

"Listen, I'm not fighting against…your decision. I respect what you need to do on your own. I'm only asking—if we both want each other this badly, and we're not seeing other people, then what's to stop us from keeping this going? You know, find some kind of arrangement."

Liara looked a bit guilty, like she had considered this already. "I do want that…"

"Then why not say it? Why not ask me for that instead?"

"Because…I'm afraid that I will act as though we are in a relationship anyway, even though we are not."

I remembered: "Is this one of those things that's supposed to make me uncomfortable?"

"One of many, yes," replied Liara, irritation growing—with herself more so than with me.

"Then lay it on me," I requested, glad that we had gotten somewhere. "What's the rest?"

"If I told you everything, we would be here for days!"

I already had my answer now, but still—"Give me what's relevant. What you're most afraid of. Besides, even if we were here for days, it wouldn't matter! I'm here, listening to you. We're talking. We're working this out, aren't we?"

"Shepard, we have a mission!" she choked back. "You can't say these things when they aren't true…"

The way Liara looked at me in desperation, like she wanted those things to be true—it took me back.

Now wasn't the time to tell her how much she had already warped my priorities.

Instead, I brought my hands to Liara's back: stroking, pacifying. She let me guide her head down, over my shoulder. She inhaled the smell of my hair, of how it had spread to her pillow under my head and her sheets underneath me. She breathed in more, too, of the black chamomile still lingering through the navy blue of my shirt, finding her calm there, from my touch and from my words.

"Liara, babe," I soothed. "You are an exception for me in so many ways. I don't wanna lose what we have. I'll go with whatever works best for you. All right?"

She nodded over the crook of my neck, her body releasing this tension bit by bit.

"But, I'm not letting you off the hook completely. I still need to know at least some details. Talk to me."

Liara curled into me more, whispering right in my ear: "I need to own you, Commander."

Again, she made such a point of using my rank, getting at something deep in me:

As deeply as her voice reached up and wound around the thousands upon thousands of thoughts that now crowded and compounded in me, all as a lifeboat in these deep waters of this unknown with her.

"What…what do you mean?"

"I crave you in ways that I never thought possible. I can't stand the thought of anyone taking you from me. I could not bear the reality of someone else wanting you, too. I know that it is highly unfair. Especially considering the limitations I have set in place. I simply need space to sort out my longstanding issues. Space that I would not remember to keep while in a formal relationship with you."

Just a bit more—"Go on."

"Please, don't misunderstand. I have no intentions of seeing anyone else. My reasons for this wouldn't make much sense right now. It is also about giving ourselves time to grow into each other. Time, or something else. I am not entirely sure… I expected you to shut down any and all discussion about this."

Normally, I would have… "What about guarantees? What am I looking at here?"

"I will not leave your side, Shepard… Whether you will do the same for me, that remains your choice to make. You may grow impatient with me. You may despise me for needing you as hard and as deeply as I do. We have only known each other for a little over one month, and yet you have such an innate understanding of all that I have wanted in another person—repressed though it may have been…"

"I only have a few more questions, then," I prefaced. "I need you to be really honest with me. Please."

Accepting the inevitable: "Okay…"

"Would you ever be…passive-aggressive with me?"

Liara couldn't lie, "Yes."

Fuck, I hated that.

"Would you expect me to read your mind at times?"

"All of the time," she said, emboldened by my lack of outward judgment.

I hated that, too.

"Would you act possessive if someone else came around, regardless if I liked them or not?"

"Absolutely, Commander."

I hated that more!

"You say you need to own me. Does that mean you want to keep tabs on me, control me?"

"Shepard…yes, I want that. I need it from you. I need you! I need to cling to you. I need you to take care of me when I need it and leave me alone when I need my space. I need you to ease me into your world. I need to know everything about you, down to the last intimate detail. I need to keep you with me and care for you and be there for you no matter what, no matter how much time passes and no matter who or what may come between us… I need to be your everything even if you won't be mine."

…

"So…you want it both ways," I summarized, thrown by how much she turned me on—this warm feeling in my stomach where that nausea had been earlier, comforted by her honesty, her own fearlessness.

Anyone else would have shut down the conversation by now, convinced of my unavoidable rejection.

Anyone else would have run off by now, letting their shame overrule the possibility of us finding a compromise together.

Liara didn't seem to like that expression, but she had no say in the matter. "I suppose I do…"

Possessed, obsessed: "Okay, Liara. Okay."

"Okay?" asked Liara, startled. "Okay?!" She moved a bit to regard me properly, uncertain if she should be shocked or overjoyed. "Commander, how is this okay? How is anything of what I said indicative of a normal, stable, and equitable arrangement?! Everything that I want, everything that I need with you, it's insane! How can you tell me…that any of this is okay?"

"Babe, you saw what's in my head," I reminded her, gently. "My question is, how are you surprised?"

Liara curled back into me again, hiding. "I only saw the…the more physical aspects. The roughness, the depravity of the things you wish to do to me. But, then again—" She knew. "Oh… Shepard, I…"

"Changes your perspective, doesn't it?"

"Yes…"

This shift in her breathing: I could tell Liara was overwhelmed again.

"Think about it some more," I offered, rubbing her back. Liara nodded. "Have you eaten at all today?"

"No… I should."

"Want me to make you something?"

Liara smiled against my shoulder. "I'd like that—another time," she deflected. "Commander, would you mind giving me an hour or so to recharge? I know what I said about my needs, and now I am sending you away… I'm trying not to overwhelm you, too. Besides, I…think I need another shower."

I laughed. "Yeah, that's fine. I'll head up to my room. Email me when you want me to come back down."

"I will," she promised, sounding a bit preoccupied. "Thank you for having this talk with me, Shepard. You have been very flexible with me, very understanding. When you come back, I should have a better handle on things, though I expect my moodiness will return. Please forgive me in advance."

---

Eating lunch in my cabin while taking care of work at my terminal: filling requisitions orders per Tali down in Engineering, responding to Garrus' concerns about the Mako's maneuverability, and, as a courtesy, updating Captain Anderson on our current plans to take out the geth on Feros tomorrow.

Taking a warm shower afterward: putting this black chamomile body wash to use, since I knew Liara enjoyed the smell on me.

Lounging on my couch in peace.

I gave Liara my personal email address, and she gave me hers. We didn't have to worry about mixing up our private messages to each other with work-related ones. And now, I waited to hear back from her without really waiting. I enjoyed passing this time, staring up at the ceiling of my room.

Not a single worry or fear. Nothing pressing over my mind. No what-ifs, no hang-ups.

Listening to the vague, silent humming of the Normandy as we drifted on and on, I almost couldn't believe my luck.

Liara was a rare type of person. She cared about her passions so much, often to the point of shame and embarrassment for her. But once push came to shove, she was tough enough to not hold back—even with someone like me, someone who could have judged her and hurt her and thought less of her. I felt that quiet strength of hers here with me, separated as we were at the moment. That quality about her comforted me even while she wasn't here. That brand of her independence kept me from thinking that she was weak, or incapable, or someone who needed me to save her.

I was so used to people keeping their flaws hidden for my sake. I was so used to their excuses of not wanting to turn me off or disappoint me—like how Liara had initially tried to justify herself. By the time I did learn who they really were, it was too late, because I felt like they had lied to me. I hated when people tailored themselves to protect my delicate sensibilities—or for their own self-preservation, in keeping me with them under false pretenses—only to get upset and cry foul when I found out the truth and wanted nothing more to do with them.

It took some prodding at first, sure. Ultimately, Liara had the courage to be straight-up with me.

Maybe it had something to do with the asari: how they took the long view with things, making decisions that weren't necessarily beneficial in the short-term, but would be better in the long-term.

In the short-term, she had definitely taken a risk by being this open with me.

But in the long-term, and now, I respected her more for being real with me like this.

An arrangement, a relationship, friends with benefits—the label didn't matter to me.

As long as I could keep getting to know her this deeply, that was all I cared about.

I wasn't worried about losing Liara to this mission, either. I trusted myself enough to cover her when she needed it. If I did need her help for some reason…well, I was so used to looking out for my own back, it would take me some time to get used to the idea of Liara having mine—and succeeding.

That thought extended to me actually trusting the rest of our squad, too.

Possibly—later on…

An hour and a half had somehow passed already, just like that—17:28, or 5:28pm.

From: Liara – I miss you.

Shepard,

If you are not busy, I would like it if you returned to my room now.

I have had the chance to make up my mind on how to proceed with you.

Do you mind allowing me to set the pace between us? For years, I led myself to believe that I was not the type of person to take the initiative. This was only half-true. I recently learned that I am prone to switching. I hope that this will not be an issue for you.

-Liara

.

To: Liara – Re: I miss you.

Liara,

Set the pace however you want.

Somehow I'm not surprised that you're a switch. This is mostly new for me. I'm used to being dominant. But, I'm willing to go with whatever you're most comfortable with. I want to please you. Always.

I'll be right down to see you.

-Shepard

---

Once again, Dr. Chakwas was not in the med bay.

For the time being, I didn't have to worry about dodging her possible questions: why I kept visiting Liara so often, if I gave this same treatment to the rest of the crew, or if I just needed medical attention.

Those books of hers had saved me a lot of headaches.

Still, I couldn't rely on them to save me all the time.

I'd have to suggest to Liara that she come up to my room from now on.

Red glowing over her door controls.

Locked.

I went ahead and knocked, giving her a little longer than usual to answer; not minding at all. I only wondered if this change was some kind of sign, or an omen of things to come.

When Liara answered the door, she wasted no time in stepping aside.

I walked in, taking curious note of the plain, white sweatshirt she wore, and her tight black pants.

Once she finished locking the door back, I pulled her in for a hug. Liara let herself smile over my shoulder, holding me back. Obviously, this was nothing like me. She had such a knack for bringing out this side of me. This side that I'd kept hidden for a long time, whether it was to avoid showing weakness, or to keep my pride.

I saw no point in doing that with Liara. Not while we were alone.

I asked her, "You feeling better?"

Liara hummed out her uncertainty. "More or less…"

"Did you get anything to eat, at least?"

"My appetite has mysteriously vanished," she explained, pulling away to sit down over her bed. "I did not think it wise to push things. I'll try to eat later."

"Isn't that kind of—extreme? Not eating at all for this whole day so far?"

Liara educated me: "We asari typically only need to eat once or twice per day. You may find it strange. When I am in this mood, it is not unusual for me to forego eating for this long. You needn't worry."

"Must be nice," I said, sitting down next to her. "Needing to eat three times a day or more wastes a lot of time for me. I wish I didn't have to sleep at all, either. I could get a lot more done."

"Yes, I'm sure you could."

Such suggestiveness in Liara's voice, just before she crawled into bed, again on the far side, behind me.

But, she made a point of facing me this time, attentive in the way she looked me over.

I figured maybe she wanted to talk some more—continue from where we left off earlier. I could see her asking about my past, about the people I was once involved with. Either that, or she had questions about my life before the military…

"Commander, won't you relax with me in bed?"

Leaning down to remove my boots again, I realized the truth, caught so in the inflection of her voice:

Liara already knew all of those things about me.

She had done her light reading on anything she could find with my name next to it. And probably, not only that—not just things that had to do with me directly. Unlike every other non-human I'd met, Liara had at least some idea of the etiquette with my hair. She had been the one to alert me about Pressly's bullshit from weeks ago, as if she knew that I would not only understand, but that I'd also take her side.

Liara had gone digging into my history: a full-on expedition down to the roots of the blood in my veins.

Sounds of my shirt shifting over her sheets, and I lay back down, face-up.

Glancing over at Liara watching me, I needed to take stock of this. I wrapped my hands over my waist, feeling like I was in a therapist's chair or something. I eased my gaze up to the eternal blue of the ceiling, lit up by the light of Liara's monitor. I couldn't hear the ambient sounds of the Normandy anymore. Not with this exacting, concentrating, obsessing over me, taking over the rest of my senses.

I felt like she could have stared at me like this forever.

I felt the rush between my legs, novel and foreign, taking my mind to a place I'd never been before.

"Shepard," spoke Liara, her dark mood returning. "You are difficult to read sometimes. I also believe you'd like to keep things this way. Don't you? If so, perhaps I shouldn't complain."

"Old habits," I told her, not recognizing my own voice. "If it bothers you…what do you want me to do?"

"You're allowing me to decide?"

"Well…yeah."

"Hmm, I'll think it over," promised Liara, reaching for my interlaced hands. "You fascinate me greatly, Commander. I am sure I've made this more than obvious to you." Taking hold of my hand closest to her, she let out a low, pleased sound. "Incredibly soft. I assumed your bare hand against mine would feel harder, somehow. All that time you spend sniping." Softness of her own, Liara smoothed her thumb over the pads of my fingers, keeping my hand propped over hers. "As always with you, looks can be deceiving. Though there is nothing at all deceptive about your beauty. I could gaze at you for hours…"

"Could you? I mean, you wouldn't get bored?"

Liara brought the backs of my knuckles to her lips. "Boredom isn't a concept that could ever apply to you," she complimented. "From the moment I first saw you, Shepard, I knew. And the way you sacrificed for me, a complete stranger to you at the time… It speaks to your carefully-hidden nobility. You are a protector at heart. I adore that about you very much." She hesitated. "Even though it frustrates me that I am unable to be with you fully, I'm nonetheless grateful that you're here. In time, I hope that I will have sorted through my issues…"

I reminded her: "If you wanna talk, or if you need help sorting through anything…I'm here, you know."

Sensuality of her smile from behind my hand, and then Liara leaned into me more. Subtle in her movements, she settled herself back on top of me, exactly as before, with the bends of her limber legs pressing tighter against my waist. On instinct, I held her thighs, one hand on the other. Liara let me hear her approval; she made me feel it, in the way she pressed herself down over me, harder. This telling slipping from underneath the tight stretch of her black fabric spoke all.

"Commander," said Liara, pushing down on my hands with hers. "I think, right now… What would help, is seeing how well you are able to read me." She pulled my hands up, up to the hem of her sweatshirt, her nails and fingertips mixing with the sweat over my palms. "We don't need to speak. I don't want you to take the easy way out by asking questions. I want to watch you learn me. Everything about me. Well—" She used my hands to hike up her shirt, bare blue of her waist inviting. "Almost everything."

Not thinking anymore, I held onto the slimness of her waist, smoothing up and up. Steadily, Liara used the excuse to lift her sweatshirt on her own. Nothing on underneath—except for the tight winding of her bra. She took her time lifting up her shirt any higher than that, savoring this trance in my eyes.

Needing to clarify, I forced my voice to work, "I'm not allowed…to ask you anything?"

"No, you can't ask me anything," retorted Liara. "Not even that. Not now."

"You answered me anyway."

"Shepard, you shouldn't forget your promises to me. Do as I said."

I shouldn't have forgotten.

I stopped while I was ahead.

Liara rewarded me for my restraint, taking her shirt off at last.

She leaned down, into me and over me, purposely blocking the rest of my view of her.

Blind and groping without hurting her, I locked the cinch of Liara's waist in my grip, figuring her out and learning her, like she fucking told me to do. I bucked at her with my waist, getting back at her in the best way. Every flex of her muscles over her back, long lines pulsing with her pushing down on me, I learned to memorize. Every escalation of her pleased panic—contained—I gave her more of the same thing.

Tangling her arms through my hair, Liara held onto the back of my head for support.

If I didn't have such a tight grip around her, I knew—she was afraid she would fall off of me.

The way she panted and screamed made it too obvious. The way she squeezed at me with her thighs gave me other obvious clues. The way she clung to me in this novelty of her own: more than enough permission to take this further, but not too much.

Ever with a goal in mind, I slowed down.

"Breathe, Liara," I whispered, hard-edged in this heat underneath her. "I need you…to fucking breathe."

Liara burrowed her head against my neck, my shoulder, blowing out her breaths over my chest.

I smoothed my hand up her spine, up the back of her neck, holding her head closer to me. My other hand, I kept over her hips, guiding. Slowed, simmering and with purpose, I let Liara keep feeling me between her legs. Grinding at this singular pace, reaching up against her, over her, stroking her with this part of me alone. I used our clothes to my advantage for more friction. I found a new endurance to give to her, all from the way her whole body quavered when I put just the right amount of pressure.

Rhythmic motions, learning her in patience.

Impatience masked with care: I needed to get her off—needed to show her how I could make her feel.

Liara finally relaxed the vice-like grip of her thighs around me. She spread her legs wider in her permission for me to take her just like this, in needing more. All the while, I found my own sick amusement in being the first to fuck her, however limited this was.

Her enlightenment shined so bright through the light, loudness she let out, so radiant.

Her own impatience started to brim, Liara's psyche warping and her addiction seeping in.

Once she started grinding back against me, fraught for more, I knew I had her.

"Please, Shepard," she begged, exhilarating me. "You're holding back. Stop—stop holding back…"

"Hmm, what makes you think I'm holding back? Why would I ever do that?"

Liara growled in exasperation. "You already know—!"

Cupping my hand in firmness, I slapped her ass, once, and held on with a wider grab—enough to make Liara scream in want, jumping in-place a bit, enough to make me grin over her suffering.

"No, I don't know," I lied, delighting in her indecision:

She couldn't grind against me harder while curling her ass up higher, needing to get fucked and spanked by me at the same damned time. She couldn't order me around anymore. She couldn't take the highs I gave her and the frustrations. She couldn't deal with me prolonging this.

"Tell me, babe," I demanded. "Do you ever masturbate? Ever touch yourself at all?" Liara squeaked and squirmed in my hold. I grabbed her, harder—"Don't lie to me, now. I need to know this about you."

"I tried to," she admitted, hitching as I hiked her higher. "I tried! It wasn't… Years ago—I couldn't."

"You couldn't what?"

Liara whined my name over and over, like that would make me stop.

"What, you won't tell me? Is it really so embarrassing that you couldn't get yourself off?"

Jacking at her, I drilled right at the source of Liara's humiliation—that she needed me to be her first, her first everything, to take her and to break her and to make her absolutely mine. Unrestrained in her reactions, she let go, getting there, getting there, not caring how loud she was. I pushed her more, this chaotic, smacking beat of her drenched against me, thicker and thicker.

Liara grabbed at the wall for more support, needing me to keep tearing her out of control.

One last switch.

Pulling at her, at everything I could reach of her, I latched my lips over her neck, tightening. I could have kept talking to her. I could have kept humiliating her. I shifted that energy to this last affirmation instead. Something a bit gentler, contradicting the way I ripped and tore at her with our clothes still on and in the way. Something that was more thoughtful, letting her feel the echo of my groaning through her neck, her skin and her bones.

I pulled her arm back down to me, entreating—"Liara, please…"

This emotional switch from me switched at Liara, switching all of her language to my name and my rank, both, interchangeable; overpowering her for such long seconds as she arched over me, into me; leaving her shaking and raw on top of me.

Thrown by how divine she sounded, I couldn't think, couldn't feel my own body here anymore.

I still felt Liara, still felt her breathing over me, collapsing into me in slow motion.

This mild sheen of sweat over her neck coated my lips.

Quietly, Liara breathed harder with my tastes here, as if about to start up again, only to calm down.

Soft sighs of her awareness: Liara relaxed on top of me, holding me tighter to compensate. I was too weak to do the same. Weakened by the way she'd given into me. Weakened by the way she continued to do it now. Weakened by how Liara settled her lips over my forehead, breathing in my dazed state. All I could do was stroke her back a bit, my hand getting used to her bra strap, this perfect tightness.

This endless view of Liara's neck, her shoulder, and the slope of her cleavage: she had me cradled here now, warming and warming.

"Shepard…you are absolutely perfect."

And her voice was more than perfect, setting me adrift across the wide open seas of her.

Absolute peace.

Subspace.

So far-removed.

But still here, fully aware of the way Liara moved, lying down next to me. She rested her head over my chest, listening: my slowed breathing, beating. She probably felt the same. She did, yet she waited for my own space to pass, lucid enough to monitor me.

Knowing that Liara wanted something else, I made myself snap out of this way early.

When she gazed up at me, she found my own lucidity and smiled.

"Are you with me again, Commander?"

"Yeah… Yeah, I'm fine."

Liara moved over on her back, tugging at me. "Come here," she requested. "Please, come."

Disoriented, I did my best to oblige her. I felt blind, almost. Blind, even though I could see Liara just fine, the way she lay down, spreading her legs; inviting me over and on top of her. Heart picking back up to please her, I did as she wanted. I had to take my time, though, otherwise…I'd get ahead of myself.

I figured she only wanted to hold me like this.

Nothing more.

Fitting myself on top of Liara like this, her legs hugging either side of me, I kept myself propped up a bit above her. Not wanting to fall over her or into her, I needed a bit of distance. I needed to look at her, to understand the way she could regard me with such an equal balance of dark lust and the fresh, ripe, early bloom of something far more profound.

Liara indulged herself in this cascade of my hair. The way it all came down at once as a rush of colors, angling my sight, she couldn't get enough of.

Stirred by me, she pressed herself against me, soaking wet through this fabric.

"I need you—so much," breathed Liara, pulling me so much closer than I'd ever been to anyone, anyone at all. "I don't want you to let me go tonight." Her voice resounded in my head, through my spirit, ethereal and erotic: "Give it to me again. Please, Shepard… Please, once more."

Entranced and entrenched as I was in her, I was sober enough to realize—

We had done things completely out of order.

"Whatever you want, Liara… I'll give it to you."

Pulling away just enough, I crossed my arms over my front, my crossed hands grabbing at the bottom of my casual uniform shirt. I pulled my shirt up and off, leaving only my sports bra on; Liara's breaths of surprise sounded in-sync with the shifts of fabric over my skin. I tossed my shirt somewhere behind me; Liara shuddered underneath me at this sensory overload for her, of the sweep of my hair flowing down my neck and bare shoulders, down the boyish, toned sculpt of my biceps and forearms.

I caught Liara's shuddering with my lips over hers, open-mouthed and rolling. Startled, she recoiled her head farther back into her pillow, moaning into my mouth all the same. Thicker lips of mine outlined hers entirely, enveloping, practically unfair. This imbalance brought back this same, now-familiar warmth in my stomach, rising up to my chest, since I knew she felt this for me, too, if not more.

False restraint: Liara held her hands to my shoulders, as if she meant to push back, but never did.

This same shaking in her wrists, I spotted through her eyes wide open.

The vague light from her terminal's screensaver reached us over here, enough to see.

Unsmiling as if unfeeling, these old habits of mine did razor through Liara's fearful blues vibrant in shine.

She knew what to feel, what to believe. Especially once I couldn't help myself anymore, hooking the bends of my knees underneath her thighs, exposing her more. Liara opened herself more, and more, letting me bring this rhythm right back, over her front, on top of her this time, practically never-ending. So much so, she was brave enough to keep her eyes to mine the whole time.

Liara challenged me in submission to not look away from her, to not break my lips over hers, not once—not even when she needed to break, when I broke her, broke her in, keeping her wanting more.

And we kept going like this.

Going and going, non-stop for hours, hours and hours.

I kept going for Liara, breaking wide open the expanse of her horizons. I got her off again and again, keeping up with her insatiable hormonal energy for me to keep taking her. Hard, so hard at times, ramming her hips into the mattress, ramming the bed in near-constant noise, making Liara grip onto me for dear life as she got off and off and off. Impossibilities shattered for her first time, and second time, and third time, and fourth and fifth and—losing count after that—I made sure that her voice would never forget my name, no matter how loudly she screamed it out, scratching out her throat.

Not once did I take off any more of her clothes, any more of mine.

The tease, the prospect of making her look forward to more—it was too much for me to resist.

---

Only once it was well past midnight did Liara learn that she couldn't tire me out like this. We would've had to do way more for me to get anywhere near exhausted. Not that I was used to this type of marathon… This was only the beginning for her, though it was a first for me, too, in a lot of ways.

Sweating and spent, Liara had sprawled out over her side of the bed.

Listening to her heave for breath in between low moans kept this grin well-done over my face.

If I wasn't starving—and if we didn't have a mission in the morning—I would have pushed her more.

I asked her, "You hungry yet, babe?"

Liara groaned. "Yes, but… By the goddess, Shepard, how are you not worn-out yet?"

"Mmm, I have my ways," I riddled.

"Oh, I'm sure…"

"I'll make us a late dinner," I offered, putting my boots back on. "Then again, I smell like you…"

"Yes—let's keep it that way," directed Liara. "I will find you in the kitchen once I have taken my third shower for the day… You can take one later, can't you?"

Throwing my shirt back on, too, I told her, "I wanted to head back up to my room anyway."

"Why?"

"To get us some wine."

Liara gaped at me. "Tonight?" she asked. "Why now?"

"I should have taken you out to dinner by this point," I explained. "Since I haven't had the chance, the wine is supposed to make up for it. I have a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc. It's this white wine from Earth that I want you to try. You might like it."

"Shepard, that isn't necessary… And I don't have to go out to dinner with you to know how you feel."

"Liara, it's the gesture that counts. I'm not a classless jerk who only cares about having sex with you."

"But… Dinner, and the wine—isn't that for—?"

I stopped her there. "Doesn't have to be."

Blaming herself, Liara dropped the subject. She retreated into her bed more, hiding away. "You can forego the wine for tonight… Please save it for another time. We should just—have a meal without it."

"Yeah, all right," I accepted, heading out. "I'll make us a salad, then. Nice and simple. Come find me once you're ready."

"Of course, Commander…"

Leaving things on that note, for now, seemed like the best thing to do.

I left to the kitchen in the mess hall. No one was awake at this obscene hour. They shouldn't have been, either. Or at least my squad. Liara was the obvious, lone exception to this. I still made a mental note to keep an eye on her in the morning, as well as throughout the mission on Feros, to monitor how she operated on minimal sleep. Sending her back to the ship was a last resort. For her safety.

Washing my hands and taking care to keep my clothes from touching anything, I retrieved everything I needed from the refrigerator. Regular lettuce, sliced cucumbers, tomatoes, and Italian dressing—nothing fancy. But when I'd mentioned the white wine to Liara, I'd had white meat in mind to go along with the drink. I figured it wouldn't hurt to put the meat in the salad instead.

Having it my way, almost.

I found some skinless chicken breasts that I'd already cleaned, pre-seasoned and packed away. I put them over the portable grill-cooker-thing that Kaidan had insisted on buying for us. I'd used these plenty of times back on Earth. His swearing up and down that we needed this one had struck me as strange. Smelling the end-results after a few minutes, though, I understood why he was so fond of the device.

Right when I was about to lift the lid, I heard someone's bare footsteps nearing.

Not quite as light as Liara's, not quite as cautious.

The person—a woman, probably—then stopped all of a sudden.

"Shepard, is that you…?"

Ashley stared at me in disbelief from halfway across the mess hall.

Barefoot, and wearing an oversized white T-shirt and tight black yoga pants, she clearly hadn't been awake cleaning our guns all night. Her hair tied up in a messy bun, I had to guess that Ashley had been in bed all day, or at least resting in the crew's quarters. Still avoiding everyone.

Catching myself staring at the slenderness of her legs in those tight pants, I emptied my thoughts—fully.

"Yeah, it's me," I responded. "Up late, stranger?"

"Uh, yeah!" said Ashley, catching herself in something, too. "Yeah, I—I couldn't sleep…" Finding no malice in my eyes on her, she smiled. "I've been locked in my room all day. Practically dead to the world… Th-The galaxy, I mean!" She chanced walking over to me in the kitchen, inhaling. "Whatever you're making smells really good! I'm starving—haven't eaten since this morning. Mind if I try some?"

I supposed I did have enough for three people.

And Liara was being weird about us having dinner together, alone.

But Ashley, in her obliviousness, was about to walk too close—

"Sure, fine by me," I allowed, trying to step away a bit, discreet. "Why haven't you eaten anything?"

"Just…wanted to avoid the crowd during waking hours, Ma'am."

It was now or never: "Ashley, look, I shouldn't have put a target on your back like that. I had no evidence. Your audit turned up clean. It's my bad that you're dealing with this."

Ashley couldn't accept that. "No, Commander, you went with your gut," she countered. "I was a total recluse on the Citadel each time we picked up a new alien team member. Plus, while we were on the Presidium with Kaidan, I was about to make a comment…"

"I can't tell the aliens from the animals."

"Yeah!" she accepted. "Yeah… You shut that shit down fast. S-So, after that, I was trying to adjust…"

I questioned her, "Why bother adjusting, Ashley? I know what the deal is with your family. General Williams. The curse that follows you around over his surrender to the turians during the war. You're afraid you'll cap out at your current rank—I get it. If you really hated non-humans, why hide it?"

"It's not that I ever hated them. It was just a trust thing. Plus, I looked to my commander… Seriously looked at you. That helped change my thinking. I'm sorry for not doing it sooner, Ma'am. And…I'm sorry I was too scared to tell you all of this earlier. I'm such a wimp…"

Honesty was supposedly the best policy—"There was nothing you covered up?"

"Nothing… Besides, even if I had tried to hide anything, it wouldn't have been about that."

"So, there is something," I deduced. "Something you didn't want me to find out about."

"Something… Yeah… Yes, Shepard. I was terrified that you'd go combing through my history, that you'd freak when you found out—" Ashley realized: "Wait a minute! I got your email, but—… You're done with the audit? No more looking into our stuff? You didn't—you didn't see anything from me?!"

She didn't need to know my methods. She didn't need to know that I'd had plans to do a manual search through her history.

Remembering it now, I hadn't done it because I knew—I knew I'd fall into something with her if I did.

"Correct, Chief," I confirmed, keeping the rest quiet. "You're off the hook."

Flooded with relief, Ashley leaned forward, breathing hard. She grabbed hold of the nearest counter, supporting herself as she kept breathing; kept breathing. Like she'd narrowly avoided a crash or some other fatal accident, she had to keep from laughing out of more nerves.

Not wanting to get too involved, I advised her, "You should tell the others. If they're skeptical, they can ask me directly. I'll vouch for you."

"I appreciate it, Shepard," said Ashley, finding her balance again. "It's just—I tried explaining this to them. They want to believe me. Every time they ask for more details, I avoid the truth, and then they go back to being suspicious again. They'd just think I manipulated you somehow…"

"I'm not prone to manipulation, Williams."

"I-I know that! I mean, I do. The others, not so much… They need evidence I can't give them."

"You'll find some way to work it out," I counseled. "If they're going to be true friends, they'll listen."

"You're right. You're totally right. Thanks, Commander. I feel better now."

"Good," I said.

She should have a clear head for the mission going forward.

Helping her out and actually…talking with her instead of running away—that wasn't so bad…

Ashley stepped closer, once more—grinning, eager: "So, need any help with dinner? I can…" Too close. Inhaling, again, to check. "Commander…" Even in this dim lighting of the hall, I could see the way her face heated. "Shepard…you smell like sex."

And of course, Liara emerged from the crew's showers, fully-dressed.

Out of the corner of my eye, she spotted the scene and stared.

None the wiser, Ashley remained fixated on me, smirking in lust. "This is one for the history books," she teased in a low, sexy voice. "I had no idea… I mean, who am I to tell you what to do when you're alone in your cabin? I figured you'd at least wash down first. You know." She looked me up and down. "I have to ask, though… Do you…do you just use your hand? What do you think about when you do it?"

Oh, fuck.

"Ashley…"

"Don't worry!" she coaxed in mischief, moving a little closer, nearly setting me off. "Your secret's safe with me… I'm surprised, that's all! Who would've thought that's what you get up to? I…greatly respect and admire your freedom, Ma'am!"

Liara started heading over here, footsteps focused, deliberate.

Ashley, either not noticing or not caring, spoke on in suggestiveness, "You shouldn't be embarrassed, if that's the case… You're not the only one who does it. Now that the ship's much lighter these days, I'm all alone in my section of the crew's quarters. I'd be insane not to take advantage of the privacy."

The next thing I knew, Liara was behind me.

Right behind me.

Still, Ashley continued to disregard her, completely focused on me—"I'm…also surprised you're not saying anything, Shepard. Didn't think you'd be shy about this stuff. You don't have to be…"

Subtle, venomous, Liara eased herself against my back.

She did it in a way that left half of herself visible, half of her expression evident to Ashley in front of me.

She moved her hand up to me, slipping under the ends of my hair.

Slow, soft, and controlling all at once, Liara smoothed her nails up my spine, my shoulder blades, with this gentleness about her tickling at the long trail of my hair behind me. Though my hair wasn't knotted at all, her sensuality combed and brushed at me, mimicking that light pulling in motion.

Ashley wouldn't give her the time of day, though she definitely noticed her by now.

High on opportunity, Ashley moved as close as she could to me without our fronts brushing together.

Gazing at me with fiery precision, she traced me with her eyes, memorizing every part of me in her view.

Raising her nails to the crown of my hair, Ashley stopped just short of touching me. "God, Shepard…you have no idea, do you?" she murmured, so quiet that even Liara couldn't hear. "You spend your days on your own. You keep to yourself at all times. Those nobodies in the Alliance used to talk shit about how you're too pretty to be a marine. And then you proved yourself, ten times over. Now, you're the legendary Commander Shepard who won't let anything get in her way. You're greatness, personified."

As close as possible, Liara leaned into me, pressing her palm fully over my back—sensual in warning.

And then, Ashley snapped out of her reverie.

Spotting Liara, she stepped back, stammering—

"Liara?! What the—? Is that you?! Why didn't you fricking say anything if you're standing there!?"

"You noticed me, Ashley," lectured Liara, not up for bullshit. "Regardless, you carried on anyway, attempting to ignore me. I wondered how long it would take you to actually acknowledge me here."

"You're creeping me out, Liara!" cried Ashley, stepping away. "Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you?!"

I glared at her.

Yes, Ashley was freaked out, but I wasn't going to stand here and let this go on.

Luckily, she noticed my notice, and sighed.

"Okay, okay…I'm sorry," apologized Ashley. "Maybe I did spot you."

"And then you proceeded to ignore me," repeated Liara.

"Well, I didn't think it was a big deal that you were there! Then I felt this chill in the air…"

"Am I really that insignificant to you?"

"If you're gonna have an attitude like that, then yeah, you are! I said I'm sorry, didn't I?!"

No.

No.

No!

I just fixed Ashley's problem with her emotions running haywire.

I was not about to have another situation on my hands.

I didn't need Liara and Ashley shooting at each other by accident out in the field!

"Will you two cut it out?!" I snapped. "I don't know what the hell is going on, but we are not doing this! You need to hash this out ASAP. No questions asked. I'm not fooling around here."

Ashley backed down first. "Understood—sorry, Ma'am…"

"Very well, Commander," replied Liara, having stepped away a bit.

Seeing as how this was partly my fault, I felt obligated to be the mediator here…

So I suggested, "Look, can we just eat this salad I was about to make—in peace? While we eat, we can talk about normal, non-combative things. You know, like civilized people?"

"Works for me!" agreed Ashley.

Liara, however, clearly felt like she had no choice. "As you wish."

Ashley recommended, "Why don't we head to my room? There's just enough space for us to hang out! You two can sit on one of the free bunks next to mine. Oh, we can have a girls' night together!"

"Chief, this isn't a sleepover," I corrected.

"C'mon, Shepard! I know it's not. I'm trying to lighten the mood! Didn't you say to hash this out ASAP?"

"Yeah, I did…"

"So come on, then!" she encouraged.

My intuition told me Ashley hammed this up to piss Liara off.

Have a girls' night together…since when was that something she would say in a situation like this?

As long as she was trying to smooth things over, it wasn't my place to point out her ridiculousness.

"Fine, have it your way," I allowed. "Liara, are you up for this?"

"I will do as you want, Shepard," she said, sounding neutral enough.

"Okay, wonderful. To start off, why don't the two of you stay here and make this actual salad for us? I was going to cut the meat into strips and mix it in with the rest. Can you handle that?"

Gorgeous as ever in her joy, Ashley beamed at me. "Sure, we can do that! I promise I'll behave myself."

"You wish for us to stay here?" echoed Liara. "Where are you going?"

I justified: "I need a shower—"

"—don't," they said in unison.

All I could muster at them was a blank stare.

This wasn't happening…was it?

Finding my voice again, I asserted, "Then I at least need a few minutes to myself. Clear my head. By the time I'm finished, you should be done with the food. I'll…find you in the crew's quarters."

"We'll have your salad ready and waiting, Commander," promised Ashley. "See you in a bit!"

Liara turned away, not wanting any of this—but she put up with it because I said so.

---

Wandering back up the stairs to the empty command center, I again couldn't believe my luck.

My motherfucking luck that landed me almost-in-like with Liara, who probably couldn't tolerate me getting any other female attention whatsoever.

We weren't even a couple like that.

But she had been straight-up with me, and this was what I had agreed to…

Leaning against the railing around the galaxy map, I tried to focus on something else. I noted our current destination, of the Attican Beta cluster where Feros was, set to arrive at 0900 hours. This should have been the only thing on my mind: the mission. Stopping Saren from finding the Conduit he was after.

His sinister, lofty plans seemed so far away at times like this.

Times like now, when I remembered the way Liara had felt and sounded underneath me.

I focused on this, because the alternative was too much for me to bear.

There was some part of me that knew the truth: that I had chosen to make these concessions, and that I had given into her like this to avoid my actual reality. Liara was amazing. She was intelligent, beautiful, and so full of raw emotion—but she couldn't give me what I needed. She had made herself clear.

To some extent, this was fine. She seemed to like me way more than I liked her. I was fine with that, too.

I was comfortable with actually not being able to give Liara my real commitment.

Because Ashley was still there—her unsubtlety, her overwhelming emotions trying to get through to me.

And yet, as far as I knew from the grapevine in the Alliance, she was straight. Non-military boyfriends in the past; gently turning down the women who asked her out. Whatever she'd said back in the kitchen was only her being nosey… And if she really did wonder about me, it was in that way I was used to from other straight women: those oh-so innocent fantasies that they would never take all that seriously.

That was all this was… Her feelings for me weren't real. She idealized me. She was only curious. Right…?

Because if I let myself fall for another straight woman—and my subordinate, too—then that would've…

Unexpected movement in my periphery: way up, far up at the helm, I spotted the back of Joker's chair swinging a little, back and forth. He was still awake at this hour, still piloting the ship instead of docking at a rest station to get some sleep for the night.

Then, barely, I heard his high-pitched laughter.

I couldn't tell if he was watching something or what, but whatever had gotten into him, he was really into it. But honestly, Joker couldn't have been stupid enough to be watching porn right now.

Well, no—maybe he was.

Deciding to investigate, I headed over to him, unsure of what to expect.

The closer I got, the clearer I heard Joker and his shenanigans: the way he cackled to himself at varying volumes, stopping to mumble an incoherent mess of words I couldn't hear, and then cracking up again. Making a bunch of other childish, fun sounds, he struggled to breathe properly. Excitement—perhaps too much—had taken over him, and he kept reliving the experience of whatever had happened.

He sounded like he was high on something.

Stims, drugs, energy drinks?

"Joker?" I asked, nearing him—not too close.

Horrified, Joker spun his chair around to face me. "Commander?!" he screamed. Making sure that it was me, he heaved for breath. "Oh, Jesus Christ, Shepard, you scared the hell out of me! Can you walk louder next time? Or—or find some other way to warn me, so I don't have a freaking heart attack?"

"There won't be a next time unless you tell me what's going on," I deadpanned.

Joker wiped his streaming eyes. "Ahh, jeez… You just had to be here now!" Trembling, he snorted down his nervous laughter. "Wait a minute… You're here. That means it was real… They were right! They had the timing right! Oh shit… Oh shit, oh shit—shit-shit-shit—"

"—Joker…"

He leaned forward in his chair, holding his face; shaking his head in wonder and disbelief.

"What the shit…!?"

"Flight Lieutenant—"

"—Shepard, you are a freaking GOD. You hear me?! You. Are. A. GOD!"

Panicky, unable to contain himself, Joker laughed and laughed.

I couldn't deal with this anymore—"Snap out of it, Joker! Are you high while piloting my ship?!"

"You think I'm high?!" mocked Joker. "As if, Commander. As if!"

"Then what the fuck is wrong with you!?" Uncontrollable, Joker only laughed more—nerves mounting, ribs aching in fear over my rising temper, trying and failing to stop. "Seriously? I don't have time for this garbage! If you're not doing anything productive up here, then go to sleep!"

Joker was about to fall out of his chair.

"Commander, I can't…!" he panted. "It's too much… Too much!"

I raged, "Go to sleep, Joker! Go to sleep! Go to fucking sleep before I knock you out myself!"

Raising his hands in the air, Joker conceded, "Okay, okay! Pulling into the nearest rest station now! I'm going, Ma'am—I'm going!"

I had no real plans for this, but I told him anyway—"If I come back later and you're still here…"

Joker cleared his throat. "No, no, no, I'll do as I'm told!" he claimed. Spinning back around in his chair, he found enough control to get the ship moving. "See? Going now, just like I said. I'm going… I'm totally, totally going. Oh, man…"

"Whatever," I dismissed, leaving. "I'm out of here. Sleep this off."

That wicked grin of his: "See ya, Commander…"

---

Bracing myself for the worst, I made it to the crew's quarters, searching for Ashley's bunk area. Each of the different rooms housed their own sets of bed bunks and living areas. All of the doors I passed were locked. On purpose, I'd never visited Ashley in her own quarters, so I really had no idea where to look.

But she had done me a favor and left her door open.

Eventually, I heard her and Liara speaking together.

I followed their indistinct voices—the calm of Liara's breathiness, the slight rasp of Ashley's directness—finding the wide window of the room right across from me. The serenity of that dark, glimmering limitlessness overlooked Liara and Ashley sitting in separate bunks on the lower levels. Facing each other as they talked, they didn't quite look serious or friendly—somewhere in between—yet I still wasn't close enough to hear them properly, since they seemed to keep their voices down on purpose.

Ashley had her terminal over the foot of her bed, playing music at a low volume—anything to keep the absolute quiet from surrounding them, to avoid that awkwardness. She also kept her space clean. Abnormally clean, even for the military: not a single knick-knack or piece of clothing visible anywhere, and nothing that would have identified her with this area.

On the nightstand between the bunks sat three bowls of salad, untouched.

They'd decided to wait for me before eating anything.

Noticing me first, Ashley smiled.

"Shepard, hey! Come on in."

Bracing myself once more, and emptying my thoughts of Ashley once again, I went inside.

"Hello, Commander," greeted Liara, like seeing me again was no big deal.

She sat near the end of the mattress on her designated bunk, leaving space near the pillows.

Ashley lounged over her own bunk, stretching out in an unintentional sensuality…or maybe on purpose.

Passing them by to go to the only open space, I hoped that we wouldn't have any repeats from earlier.

"Isn't quite the same as your cabin, huh?" chatted Ashley, watching me fit myself under the top bunk to sit down. "All that free, open space to yourself. Not anymore! You're one of the grunts now, Ma'am."

"This is…decent," I offered.

"Uh-huh, you hate it."

Liara stood up to hand me my food. "Here you are, Shepard."

I bit down on my reflexive reaction to call her babe—"Thanks."

Ashley chose to be obnoxious: "Aren't you gonna give me mine, too?"

Obliging anyway, Liara did so. "And yours."

"I was only messing with you," admitted Ashley, accepting the salad. "Thanks, Liara…"

"We had this discussion only a few short minutes ago," said Liara, retreating back to her spot with her food. "Didn't you agree to stop doing this? I don't appreciate it."

"Yeah, we did go over this already…"

"Then why continue?"

Ashley used her fork to busy herself. "Because," she mumbled, sighing. "I guess I have no idea how else to talk to you, that's why. I mean, seriously, do you and I have anything in common? No? I thought so." She started eating, making a loud, closed-mouthed sound of surprise. "Ohh, this is so good! Shepard!"

Liara had a small smile on her face as she ate, letting that speak of her agreement.

"Glad you like it," I said, just to say something.

And I had such an urge to devour this immediately, as hungry as I was. I ate at a normal pace instead.

"It's amazing!" complimented Ashley, more. "How did you make the meat taste like this?! Whenever I try using Kaidan's mini-grill, the stuff I make never turns out this way." She did her best to avoid talking with her mouth full. "Ugh, this is so much better than what I'm used to eating when I'm deployed. I practically can't stand it! Commander, you totally have to cook for us from now on. This is…wow!"

"You're that surprised I know how to cook, Chief? It's only salad. What have you been eating?"

"I-I didn't mean that as an insult or anything! And, um…let's just say I've built up an iron stomach."

"Point taken," I acknowledged.

Ashley surprised me by including Liara in the conversation, "Hey, Doc, what's it like for you, being on a military ship?"

"Things aboard the Normandy are very efficient," replied Liara.

"More efficient now that Shepard's the captain and her own XO. She runs a tight ship."

"Judging only by the difference from my first couple of days until now, I have to agree."

"Mm-hmm, I bet!" said Ashley. "Before you got here, what were you used to? You know, with work?"

"I am used to spending time alone on archaeology digs. Or perhaps with a small handful of other researchers. I would spend my days searching for artifacts, cross-referencing discoveries with existing data. In some cases, I was more focused on preserving a site over locating new items."

"Sounds…lonely."

"Yes, it was," confirmed Liara. "I enjoyed the isolation. It gave me the time to reflect in peace."

Ashley studied her, seeming to pick up on something. "So you're saying you like being alone."

"I am used to it, and I enjoy the solitude whenever I get the chance."

"Are you…an only-child?"

"My mother Benezia only had me, yes."

"What about your father?" asked Ashley, baffled. "Extended family members? Family friends? Hell, did you at least have a pet or two growing up?"

Liara frowned at her. "I recall you mentioning how large and involved your own family is. Please don't assume things about me simply because we don't share the same type of background. I have my upbringing and you have yours. They are both different. Not better or worse."

"Yeah, but…"

Ashley then looked to me, remembering that I was an orphan back on Earth. I was sure she didn't have a clue about how gay kids like me had to get by in the city where I was from. She had no idea that I wasn't necessarily out on the streets—that I'd had my own chosen family looking after me, making sure I had a roof over my head, that I had enough to eat most of the time, and that I kept up with school.

Still, I was used to keeping to myself.

I was used to not holding on to anything or anyone.

This old feeling that I could lose everything in an instant—it'd already happened to me enough times.

And then there was Liara, warping everything for me, again.

"Okay, then," conceded Ashley. "I get your point… Sorry, Liara. Just trying to get to know you, that's all."

Liara had more to say about that, yet she chose to hold it back.

Cringing, Ashley pointed out the obvious: "Look, I understand… You don't like me. I have a lot to prove out here, so of course I'm going to be ballsy every chance I get. Meanwhile, you're perfectly fine with existing and not having to worry about what people think of you. You have your books; you're fine."

Incensed, Liara only let it burn in slow, quiet bursts. "Ashley…you have no idea what I have had to prove to anyone. You can't presume to know me after a single month of infrequent conversation."

"So what've you had to prove?" prodded Ashley, sitting up; finished with her salad down to the last scrap of lettuce. "Tell me! I wanna know!"

"I would have told you earlier, had the subject come up in a more tactful way."

"But you've told Shepard. Haven't you? Tali, Garrus? Why can't you tell me, too? Does this have something to do with the drama? I told you, I'm not like that!"

Liara continued to control her temper: "Shepard, Tali, and Garrus didn't make wild assumptions about my life, and then proceed to judge me and put me into a narrow box. You think that I am merely a shy bookworm. You believe that I have never had to prove myself, as if my career and my accomplishments simply fell into my lap. You are incredibly mistaken, Ashley. Do not underestimate me."

All Ashley could do was gawk at her, hardly believing what she'd heard.

"Commander, I am leaving now," announced Liara, standing up. "I don't feel that we are making much meaningful progress with this experiment. Chief Williams and I simply disagree on too many things."

"Don't worry about it," I allowed. "You two talked enough. Oil and water—I get it."

"Thank you for understanding, Shepard. I will see you in the morning, then. Good night."

"'Night—"

Stopping that reflex, once again.

Ashley didn't notice, still too thrown from this turn of events.

Liara collected our empty dishes for us and left, making sure the door closed behind her.

Relaxing back against these stiff pillows, I worked to keep my mask on, harder and tighter than usual.

Being alone with Ashley in her room like this…I hadn't prepared for it. I couldn't let her know that.

Ashley hid her face in her hands. "And there I go," she reprimanded herself. "Messing up another friendship all because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I'm never gonna learn, apparently…" She regarded me, expecting me to stand up and leave soon. "Please don't act like you feel sorry for me, Ma'am. I blew it, plain and simple. That's the end of that."

I let her know my observations: "From the sound of things, you two hardly talked as it is. Why do you care if Liara's your friend or not? You said it yourself—the two of you have nothing in common."

"It's not about having things in common… I only said that to be an ass."

Rolling my eyes, I said, "Then you have the nerve to wonder why she's pissed at you? Come on."

"I know, I know!"

"You still haven't told me why you care in the first place."

Barely audible, Ashley mumbled into her hands—"I care because you care."

Needing to dismiss yet another clue she had given me, I acted like I didn't hear her.

Groaning in frustration, Ashley moved to turn her terminal off. She kept chastising herself, privately, unable to stop scowling off in the distance. I could tell she still had something to get off her chest. Something that had been eating away at her this whole time she spent avoiding everyone, avoiding me.

Ashley had to know that I noticed this about her—at least this much. And maybe it was…unrelated.

"You look like you need to have a talk with me," I prompted her. "About this thing that's been bothering you this whole time. Or am I wrong?"

"No, Commander, you're right…"

"So? What is it?"

In the middle of her hesitations, Ashley's omni-tool went off, alerting her to several messages.

"Really?" she complained, disabling the sounds. "Now you people wanna talk to me? I am so not in the mood for this crap." Quiet again. Ashley looked to me again, and then hid, again. "Okay, Shepard. If I tell you this, you have to promise me you won't tell a soul. If this got out, I'd probably lose my mind."

"Sounds serious."

"That's because it is…"

"I know that I brought this up and all," I prefaced. "I'm only wondering why you feel comfortable enough to share this with me now. You've clearly been avoiding me on the ship for weeks. I figured I'd be the last person you'd have this discussion with."

"I did try to tell Kaidan. I honestly tried. He was worried about me after that night. He wanted to help make everything right with the team. He cares so much, you know?"

I asked, "You didn't tell him?"

"I chickened out and made up some barely-related story. He thinks I'm still in love with some old boyfriend of mine from high school. Told him I was scared you'd find the stupid romantic emails with my sappy poetry. He bought the whole thing, didn't doubt me at all. Ugh, I feel like shit about it…"

"Do you think that was the best thing to do?"

Ashley hummed, considering.

"Now that you mention it? Probably, yeah. Of course I feel bad about lying to him. But the hints he gave to the others while you were there? That did smooth things over a little. So that…helped."

"Why didn't you tell him the truth, Ashley? It's Kaidan. He wasn't going to judge you."

"He might have," replied Ashley, cryptic. "You don't know otherwise. Not for certain. Kaidan may be a boy scout compared to you and me, but he's still human. I know how he operates. He could have gone behind my back and told the team the whole story, you know, to get them to sympathize with me completely. That would've ruined me, Shepard. I'm not ready for them to know just yet."

I understood: "You didn't wanna take the risk."

"Hell no."

I brought it back—"So why tell me?"

"Because…I trust you."

"Already," I pointed out, forcing my mind to go blank again, blanking, blank, blank.

Groaning again, exasperated, Ashley pushed back—"You want me to play your game, be ruthless about it? Fine. You have nothing to gain by telling anyone my business. And if I did find out, then you'd have to deal with me being angry with you and unfocused during missions. I might make a wrong call; shoot someone or something I'm not supposed to. It's in your best interest to keep my spirits up, Ma'am."

This was obviously some type of sore spot for her… "If that's how you wanna play it, I won't fight you."

She seemed disappointed that I hadn't given her an out to shut down the conversation, like with Liara.

Ashley then nodded a few times. "Okay," she accepted. "I'll tell you. Ready?"

"Go ahead."

Looking me right in the eye, Ashley faltered at the last moment, and said, "I'm… I'm confused. My sexuality. I—" Steeling myself, I watched her waver against this surface of me, indestructible. "I'm confused…about my sexuality. I'm questioning. There. I admitted it out loud! I actually admitted it…"

This breach in my defenses against her, in all that had kept my cravings for Ashley at bay, I ignored—

"You mean, you haven't told anyone at all?"

"No…not even myself. I was terrified you'd find my extranet searches: 'How to tell if I'm gay', 'What's it like to be with a girl compared to a guy', 'What's bisexuality', 'Coming out to your religious family', 'Is it really unnatural for two women to have biological kids together'… And I have…a ton of emails I sent to myself with, um, notes and other—other things…about a certain woman. Things that are meant for my eyes only. Love sonnets I wrote for her. Love letters I wish I could actually send to her. That kind of thing."

Then why use your work email for that?

But, really, now wasn't the time to get on her case—if ever.

"I have no reason to judge you," I told her. "Doesn't bother me. You're tough. You'll figure this out."

"I hope you're right. Thanks for being so nice about this, Skipper… But, how did I know you'd say that?"

Skipper, huh? "No idea."

Ashley laughed. "Figures," she said. "It's sweet of you. You're a woman of few words. I respect that—"

Again, her omni-tool blared with alerts.

Again, she yelled over the interruption.

"Maybe you should see what they want," I suggested. "They're not gonna leave you alone."

"No way! They're so damn rude. How do they even know I'm awake right now?!"

"Could be related to what they're trying to tell you."

"Ugh, fine," conceded Ashley, opening up her omni-tool's messaging interface. "Oh my God, it's Tali and Joker spamming me! Hang on a minute. I'll see what they want really quick, then tell them we'll discuss it later. Like, I appreciate that they're talking to me again and everything, but this is just…ridiculous…"

From Tali? Joker?

Goddamnit, I told Joker to take his ass to bed! Of course he was still up chatting on his omni-tool…

That anger left me as soon as it arrived.

I watched as all of the color in Ashley's face drained as she read those messages.

Bright headlights of her eyes, riling, first, before she edged her reaction down, and down, lowering her omni-tool arm. She then brought her shaking hands to her face, burrowing her reaction away from me, as if she could have suffocated it, ended it all from sheer pressure and force alone.

She couldn't.

Not even Ashley could keep something like this in.

Heaving forward of her whole torso, like she was sick, like she was about to throw up—and then she stopped it, swallowing it back.

Keeping her mouth clamped shut, vice-like, was all she could do in this moment.

"Ashley…?"

"No, no, no," she fretted in a deep-seated anguish, about to burst. "No… This isn't happening… No, no… God, this can't be happening… No, I can't—I can't believe this! Her…? Her!? What the fuck?!"

More than concerned now, I asked her, "Ashley, is someone on the ship in trouble? Do you need me to get involved? You're acting like someone died—"

"—no one died, Shepard! No one's dead; no one's in trouble!"

"…then what's the matter? I'm worried about you—"

These last few seconds before bursting, and Ashley turned her back to me. Latching her arms around her mouth, her head, she tried to contain the outpour. She sobbed in back-cracking convulsions. She growled in throat-bleeding hatred. She groaned in sweat-inducing shame, repeating her disbelief over and over and over again, knowing that I was still here, knowing that I watched her fall apart like this. She almost smothered herself to keep me from hearing it all, but it was no use…

Talking to Ashley or getting her to talk to me—that wasn't going to work.

My shock of her shock—I didn't know what to do, didn't know how to react to any of this.

Deciding whether to stay or whether to leave her alone, Anderson's letter again returned to my mind.

As strong and proud as Ashley was, I understood that her own helplessness over her reaction, over me witnessing her reaction, only made everything worse. I couldn't keep my distance from her right now.

Standing up, I moved closer to where she sat over her bunk.

Ashley came up for air, once, dislodging her arms to breathe, before locking herself again, tighter.

I sat down over her bed. I kept enough space between us—enough to show her that I was here, to not suffocate her with my sympathy. Enough to not give myself away: how I cared for her all of a sudden.

Keeping my eyes straight ahead, I swallowed this sudden, sudden sympathy down, realizing the way it scratched at my throat. I laced my hands together, fingers tightening. I did my best to dry out my stare.

Sitting here, entirely still, I couldn't ignore how Ashley's agony made me hurt for her. Even though I had no idea what was wrong, or why she was so upset, or how this had affected her so much, none of that mattered. What Liara would think, what anyone else would think—none of it mattered right then.

Ashley eventually leaned against my shoulder, letting me support her like this.

She wouldn't stop crying, only lessening in intensity as the night passed, as the hours passed.

I stayed awake the entire time. Staying stoic for her, staying impartial for her. Staying here when I normally would have left in disgust. Staying like this and supporting her as she wracked against me.

I had such a sinking feeling that Liara was involved somehow… But I couldn't let myself believe that.

Ashley fell asleep here against my shoulder after a while, long after she should have. Long after my own exhaustion had crept through my chest, warning me that I needed to sleep, or else. Warning, and nearly winning and shutting me off, but I couldn't. I sat with this exhaustion, knowing that my emergency implants couldn't help me.

Outside, I heard the stirrings of other crew members who'd started to wake up for the hours' dawn.

No rumblings of gossip outside of Ashley's door, and no whispering—no one had heard her.

Only general shuffling through the halls, yawns and stretching; innocent calls of good morning.

In this surreal experience, I learned more of what Captain Anderson had meant in his letter to me. I understood why he had told me the things he had—more so now than even after the episode Liara had had with me. More so, but in completion, evolving my thoughts of Ashley way beyond my comfort zone.

Liara had helped to sow the beginnings; Ashley had brought everything to fruition:

Sacrificing like this for my team, both on and off the battlefield, was part of my job, my duty as their commander. I would find some way to not compromise our mission. I would find some way to power through this mind-shattering exhaustion. I would push through, lead the squad to a mission success, and then worry about myself later. I could do that—I believed in myself to do all of it. No questions asked.

Completely unambiguous, now that Ashley and Liara had helped me to learn my honor as their leader.