Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

8. Little Wing

"Noveria" from Mass Effect 1 / "Beneath the Mask -Rain-" from Persona 5

VIII. Little Wing

(Liara)

Awaiting Shepard's arrival in the comm room that next morning, I found myself invigorated from the night before. Sitting in my seat, I used my omni-tool to jot down the near-hundreds of thoughts and theories I had about last night. I had already suited up beforehand in my set of all-black armor, as it was quite clear that Shepard intended to bring me with her for the mission. There was no need to waste time with gearing up after the briefing.

Silent, Tali sat in her seat nearby, lost in her thoughts. I remembered how difficult it was for me not to divulge anything to her while the two of us had eaten breakfast together earlier. I simply couldn't.

And now, I allowed my scientific mind to take over—for me to find my objectivity here, and to find the positives in what I had observed last night. I used my omni-tool to jot down my notes, my discoveries, and my findings from just how real everything had seemed of Ashley, and of Shepard's perceptions of her. Thus I gave weight to the possibility that the three of us were connected beyond the normal boundaries of physical reality, of time and space…

Once Ashley entered the room in her dark camouflage armor, all-smiles, this proved my hypothesis.

"'Morning, you two!" greeted Ashley, a clear bounce in her step. "Lovely day today, isn't it?"

Tali did a double-take. "Sure…? I guess?" she questioned. "Ashley, what is this? What is going on?"

Ashley plopped down in her seat across from me. "Hmm? What do you mean?"

"When I left your room last night, you—" She censored herself, knowing that I listened. "You weren't in the best shape… I wanted to stay and talk to you more. You insisted that I didn't need to do that, and that I should go to bed. I stayed up all night worrying about you! And now you're…cheerful?"

"Oh… Sorry, Tali—you didn't have to worry about me like that… I'm okay now, I promise!"

"But how?! What changed so drastically from then until this morning?"

Ashley grinned, sharing openly: "I only had the best dream of my life last night, that's what!"

"A dream…? What kind of dream could be that good to cure your problems so quickly?"

"The best dream of my life!" repeated Ashley. "Undisputed! Unchallenged! It was so perfect, Tali… Oh, man, I can't even talk about it without feeling all giddy like this! Like, did you know it's possible to smell clearly in a dream? And to taste realistic details? And—to have most of your dreams come true, in a dream, after you were dreaming a lesser-but-still-pretty-good dream? I'm over the moon right now!"

I jotted down more notes via my omni-tool, attempting to transcribe their conversation verbatim.

Tali felt the whiplash from these contrasting events. "Ashley, I'm really happy for you… I just, I don't know—this all seems rather strange. Were you experimenting with stim packs or something before bed? I've heard…about some cases where peoples' dreams become affected if they aren't careful with those."

"Nope! No stim packs, no drugs! Oh—um…well, I did watch something before I went to sleep, but…"

"Do I even want to know…?"

I noticed Ashley eyeing me, uncertain.

"Hey, Liara," she said, detached. "Are you listening to us right now? You look pretty busy over there."

I thought up a comeback, but felt that it would have been pointless to voice it at the moment.

Instead, I told her, "I am always listening, Ashley. But please, carry on. Don't mind me."

Not wishing to admit what she had watched the night before, Ashley instead attempted to keep me in the conversation—"It's kinda hard to do that, you know. I get that you're a scientist, a researcher, and that this is your thing. I've never seen you like this… What are you writing, anyway?"

White lies: "This is a compilation of notes that I would like to use later for my next dissertation on the Protheans. I am of the mind to contact my alma mater, to see if they would be interested in receiving more academic works from me. I will need to type up an abstract first. Before I can do this, I will need to verify the data I have collected thus far for my hypothesis. I am in the middle of reviewing my main primary source in order to fact-check my current progress."

Ashley frowned, feeling inadequate. "…right," she tried. "So what's your paper gonna be about? I mean, you said the Protheans…but that's vague. What about them?"

More white lies: "I am exploring the mystery surrounding the Protheans' shared experiences as an interconnected group of different organic species under a single empire. Given that the name 'Prothean' is that of an umbrella term for the worlds and civilizations that spanned their galactic rule, it is curious that they came to share such commonalities. Shiala's explanation of the Cipher caused me to look into the matter. It is a Cipher belonging to many separate species, all collated into shared knowledge."

"Oh. Well that sounds…interesting. What's your hypothesis?"

"The short answer is that it may be possible for different organic species to share a consciousness."

Tali chimed in, "You mean like the geth? If they were made up of different synthetics, I suppose. They do share their own collective geth consciousness. It's how they are networked, and how they think and behave together. Are you saying that it's possible for separate organic species to do the same?"

"Yes, I believe so," I replied. "However, as I said, this is only a theory. I still need more data in order to verify my observations. I expect that this will take quite some time."

"Well, if you decide to include anything about the geth in your dissertation, you can always come to me for more information. I think your research sounds fascinating! It would be exciting to see if we organics could ever become networked in the same ways—unless we already are, and we just don't know it yet."

"Thank you, Tali. I'll be sure to keep that in mind. I would trust your accounts more than anything I might find in a simple textbook. I am envious of your direct and detailed knowledge on the geth."

Tali giggled. "Aww, thanks, Liara. That's sweet of you to say. I'm jealous of how knowledgeable you are, too—about everything, and not only the Protheans. It must be nice to be able to outlive the rest of us and to learn so much over a thousand years. Well, only a hundred so far in your case, but still!"

Ashley, meanwhile, had lost her high from earlier, looking quite frustrated over there.

She found some of her high again, however, once Shepard entered the room in her usual stealth suit—

Only to deflate once more as we all observed the commander, spotting how…subdued she appeared.

Standing in her place at the center of the room, Shepard looked around. She stared at each of the empty chairs one at a time. She acknowledged Wrex, Kaidan, and Garrus' absence this morning in silence. Steeling herself back to her default—somewhat, almost—she then regarded the three of us here, once again, one at a time, finding our thoughts and feelings plain, evident.

Tali couldn't make eye contact with her.

Ashley couldn't, either, for her own reasons as well.

But once Shepard looked at me, I smiled at her with love.

Naturally, she expected me to be upset, and to hate what I had witnessed from her last night.

Deep down, that may have been true…yet I chose not to linger on any of that. Instead, I decided to enjoy this unique and intimate insight I had into her mind. Even now, I wondered if she had made the conscious decision to alter her behavior, knowing that I watched, and that I may have judged her.

Whether she had or not, Shepard translated enough to me through her eyes: this slant of her brows, and the way she wanted to look away, but could not.

She knew what I knew.

There was no taking any of it back.

Finding enough of her voice, she began the briefing: "Like I said yesterday, it'll only be us down on Noveria today. This place is a so-called business planet, where the galaxy's biggest corporations skirt around Council law for their own gain. The specific location we've arrived to, Port Hanshan, is Noveria's capital. Security is pretty heavy here. But Benezia managed to get through with all of her cargo, so we should be fine. She's up on a research station in the mountains, Peak 15, with her asari commandos."

Any other time, one of us would have chimed in with a comment, or a few questions—why did my mother have so much cargo? Why did she have her asari commandos with her at a research complex? And why was security so heavy in the first place? Was it to protect the corporations' secrets?

However, given Shepard's restrained demeanor, as well as the absence of half our team, Ashley and Tali weren't willing to make up the difference. Especially not with all of the troubles they had on their minds.

Shepard continued, "A few days ago, there was a Code Omega that went out across Peak 15. Someone up there is experimenting with something they're not supposed to. An official crew had to go up to investigate the alert and shut it down. They reportedly couldn't find anything suspicious. We'll need to be on our guard anyway once we get to the facility. But, the main issue will be getting up there at all."

Ashley spoke up, "What do you mean, Skipper? If the problem's up on Peak 15, what's there to worry about before we arrive? Shouldn't there be a shuttle or something to take us up there?"

That stabilizing tic of hers: the way Shepard clenched down on her back teeth, jaw flexing.

"Port Hanshan knows we're here on Citadel business," answered Shepard. "The problem is, people are going to be nervous with a Spectre around. It's clear that these corporations are out here for the not-so-ethical loopholes. If I got wind of something, I would be obligated to follow-up on what I learned."

"So, they're giving you a hard time?" asked Ashley.

"Basically."

"Oh… Right. Makes sense. They won't want to help us get to Peak 15, then. We'll have to find a way."

"Correct."

Curling into herself over Shepard's brusqueness, Ashley said no more.

Tali couldn't keep quiet anymore—"Um, Shepard… Considering half the team isn't here, wouldn't you say that this mission will be rather informal?"

"It already is, Tali," confirmed Shepard.

"Okay… In that case, am I allowed to bring up a different, not-so-related topic?"

"Go ahead."

Taking another chance: "Forgive me for asking this… But, are you all right? I don't know, you seem different today. I get the feeling this isn't about the guys being stuck in the med bay."

Shepard scowled, glancing away; arms folded.

Tali refused to rescind her question, genuinely needing to know the answer.

Ashley watched the exchange in a grave need for answers as well.

Out of respect for Shepard's authority, I resisted the urge to take more notes, shelving this for later.

And then, Shepard responded, "Not really, no. I had that talk with Dr. Chakwas. Medically, I'm fine. I don't know how to feel about what she told me, that's all."

Tali asked, "Well, what did she say?"

No supposition of whether the conversation had been private or not.

Shepard chose to be ambiguous: "She said that something about me has changed over the past month. Yesterday, once I got the Cipher, Dr. Chakwas noticed something else that accelerated the change. Shaped it. Gave it a purpose."

"Something…? What is this change?"

Grappling with the reality that Tali would not let this go, Shepard thought of another solution:

"Liara, come here."

"Very well, Commander," I obliged, standing up; walking over to her.

Only a few paces apart—Shepard did her best to dispense of this suspense dragging her emotions down.

Opting for a demonstration over more words, she activated her tactical cloak. Invisible to our eyes, she seemingly disappeared, with only the shining glimmer of her cloak phasing across her body in the dim lighting of the comm room. And then, she deactivated her cloak, reappearing before us.

Visible, Shepard placed her hand over my shoulder.

This time, when she cloaked, I disappeared with her: a joined phasing of light passing over obscurity—

Just as she had done for me down in the mines on Therum, when we had escaped from the geth.

Ashley and Tali both jumped to their feet.

"No way!" yelled Ashley.

Tali stammered, "But—but, how? That should be impossible! Liara doesn't have your same implants!"

Disengaging her tactical cloak once more, Shepard found our memories through my eyes: how they simmered in my remembrance, and now, how I found yet more explanations for the theories I had come up with since last night. This was all connected to the control, the protection, and the bond we shared.

Yet I knew that there was more.

Shepard walked over to Tali. Knowing what to expect, she placed her hand over Tali's shoulder, attempting the same demonstration.

This time, when Shepard became invisible, Tali did not join her.

Not even behind her helmet, through her suit.

Shepard then resumed her normal appearance, not at all surprised.

"Well, it…it shouldn't work on me," reasoned Tali, hiding her disappointment. "Depending on how this is all wired, you couldn't get through my suit, anyway. Too much tech in the way. Unless…unless this process isn't physical at all, and I'm just not connected to you in that way. Hmm, how strange…"

Masking her dread, Shepard stepped over to Ashley, once again knowing what would happen.

Not knowing the same, Ashley only stared up at the commander, fearful of this unknown.

Delaying this, Shepard decided that now was the best time to give us more details, speaking to Ashley directly—"Dr. Chakwas has a theory. She said that I can pretty much share the effects of my implants with certain people. My instincts treat these certain people as an extension of my own mind, my own body, my own skin. It's some kind of wiring through our collective unconscious as organic species."

Lost again, Ashley needed clarification: "Our…our collective what?"

Rolling her eyes in impatience, Shepard repeated, sharper this time, "Our collective unconscious. You know, from Jungian psychology? Ring a bell?"

Flinching under the weight of this disapproval, Ashley tried to recall, "…maybe it's familiar. I-I only took one psych elective back in college… Didn't exactly pass that class with flying colors."

Lips pursed, judgmental: Shepard had little regard for Ashley's admission.

I had learned of a similar theory back in school on my homeworld, though this Jungian psychology was of course native to Earth. Was it particularly common? Common enough to be shameful should any humans not have been familiar with this theory? Either way, I would have to look into the topic later.

Although, this exchange between Shepard and Ashley had certainly enlightened me in other ways.

Feeling this disparity between the two of them, Ashley only lowered her head.

Shepard sighed, and gave an explanation, "Our collective unconscious is our shared ancestral memory as humans. You can think of it as a giant pool of our commonalities. And each of us as individuals, we all have our own archetypes. It's something we can identify in others because of our collective psyche."

"Oh, I get it now," said Ashley, so soon. "Tali and Liara were just talking about this before you got here. They didn't mention anything about archetypes, though… Aren't those…shortcuts for describing us?"

"Yes, they are," replied Shepard, finding more patience. "I only brought this up as an example. It has nothing to do with the rest. I'm telling you so you can get a better idea here. Those stereotypes, tropes, and archetypes in general: we can spot them and discern them because of this knowledge that we all share. It's a shortcut, like you said. A mental shortcut. It's not always helpful, but it's there."

Ashley smiled a bit. "You're a lone wolf. That's your archetype, isn't it? And I'm able to make that mental shortcut because of the experiences we all share?"

Warming a bit more, Shepard confirmed, "That's right. I'm glad you're a quick learner."

"You're a pretty good teacher, Commander…"

"Maybe, maybe not. Seems to me like you just need better motivation to learn and apply yourself."

Shepard set her hand over Ashley's armored shoulder, and activated her tactical cloak.

When Ashley cloaked with her, I was glad to have yet another piece of evidence to prove my ideas.

But Ashley herself—she staggered back in her shock, well out of Shepard's reach, somehow remaining cloaked as the commander did. I could not see anything else on her except for her glimmering outline, separate from Shepard's shape that remained in the center of the room. Yet I really had no need to see her expression or her reactions. She worked to stay as quiet as possible, though she sounded as if she was somewhere between her extreme happiness from earlier and a different, obstinate confusion.

And once Shepard deactivated her invisibility, so, too, was Ashley visible again—back to normal.

Looking rather flushed, Ashley needed to say, "…so, Skipper, if our collective unconscious is only for humans…should I bother asking why this trick of yours works on Liara? Obviously, she's an asari… Then again, they were just talking about how this thing could connect all organic species together… And Dr. Chakwas said the same thing, didn't she? But, it didn't work on Tali, and—… Oh, man…"

"My cloak didn't work on Dr. Chakwas, either," said Shepard. "So, no, this isn't a human thing with Liara as an exception."

"Because she said it only works on certain people…"

"Yes, Chief."

"And you can give these certain people an extension of you. Your mind, your awareness… Everything."

Reluctant, yet honest, Shepard replied, "That's…exactly right."

Ashley sat back down in her seat.

She needed to process everything.

I watched that process through her eyes that had ventured off to a far, far distance from here, piecing this puzzle together. Some lingering disbelief kept her quiet as she did this. Otherwise, I felt she might have exploded from the sudden emotion of this sudden, sudden discovery.

Shepard ordered, "Tali, Liara, you're dismissed. Head to the bridge and wait there. Ashley needs a minute. Once she's recovered, I'm going to take ten. When I find you, we can go ahead and leave."

Tali left the room without a word.

Shepard sensed what I intended to do; she said nothing as I left, knowing that I merely waited near the wall outside the room, listening in.

Pacing herself as she lapped through her emotions, Ashley waited a bit longer.

Waiting for some kind of privacy in the comm room.

Waiting for her waiting, Shepard awaited the inescapable from this encounter.

I chanced peeking in the room, attempting to remain unseen. They hadn't moved from their places.

Some of Ashley's high-pitched breathing pierced through her pacing, impatient in the severity of this disaster, of this absolute shock to her system.

Her shaking voice, her hands covering her mouth in control—"Commander… Did we…? Shepard—"

Unwilling to prolong this: "Yes."

Hiding her whole face with her hands—"Oh, my God… Oh, my God…"

Shepard had no more words.

Yet Ashley, even in her incredulity, needed to rationalize this:

"I had a feeling… I honestly wondered. I just couldn't let myself believe that you were really in my dream like that. Now you're telling me…you were aware of what was going on. You remember what we almost did. And we shared the same dream. The same experience. Is that… Is that what happened?"

Seeing no way to escape the truth, Shepard only nodded.

Gasping in sharpness, Ashley's face heated a bright, bright red. She clamped her hands over her mouth, harder, as if she could have kept all of this from falling out.

Mortified, Ashley then rushed to stand up, rushing herself to speak in a rush:

"Oh, my God, Shepard, I'm so sorry! I was a total brat last night—I didn't think any of it was real! So I just spoke my mind and told you everything that I feel without really thinking because you were there on top of me and I was there underneath you and—"

She paused, recalling:

"You know everything…? You remember what I said! What I confessed?! Those three words I gave you… And how I said I'd chase after you when you gave me your permission because that's what you said you wanted—and you told me not to hold back, and it turned me on like crazy, and, and… Oh, God…"

Ashley paced around, nearly hyperventilating.

Shepard remained still, yet prepared to take action to help her if necessary.

Devastated, Ashley went on, "Oh, fuck, I was so desperate… Shepard…I'm so freaking sorry. I swear, that was nothing like me! I mean… Nothing like how I'm supposed to be! And I know Liara's your girlfriend… She probably knows, and that's why she was so fricking pissy with me earlier—!"

Shepard felt my wordless request through her: that she ought to be honest about this.

Because if she held this inside, we both knew that it would one day explode. She would self-destruct.

And so she interrupted with that honesty, "Ashley, she isn't my girlfriend—"

"—wait, what?! Shepard, what are you talking about!? Of course she is. She's your girlfriend! Isn't she?"

"No…"

"But… But! You—you're screwing her, so—!"

"—that doesn't mean she's my girlfriend! Look, it's private, all right? I'd rather you not tell anyone about this. She and I have an arrangement. We're involved. It's not official. That's it."

Ashley let out a hard, hateful exhale, trying to center herself.

"She's not even your girlfriend… I've been losing my mind over her…for nothing? No, no way…"

I gathered that Shepard disapproved of how relatively childish and immature Ashley was, seemingly obsessed with these surface-level details we had both agreed that we detested. The other imbalances between them—their respective intelligence levels, the age difference between them, and the power dynamic of superior and subordinate—likely made everything worse.

Yet even with those issues present, I saw the potential for something far greater here.

I had figured out this new intuition I'd gained last night: the measuring, the weighing. Now able to measure the strength of Shepard's mind and her will, I could tell that something of Ashley had fortified her. Such a noticeable change from before the dream until now—in my blurry vagueness, before, I'd had at least some idea of the value in my care. And now it had grown, surged exponentially.

It was this particular person, no matter how petulant and unbearable, that strengthened Shepard's own resolve to remain unbending. I could not know how or why, only that it was the undeniable truth.

And so I shared with Shepard my approval to explore this with Ashley—if she wished to do so.

And I knew: if Shepard chose to run from this issue, to avoid it, this would have caused problems for us.

I could not continue having things both ways with her—not like this, and not with my scientific curiosities overcoming my personal aversions to this situation. I knew that it wasn't fair of me to cling to this false idea we had of a relationship. I had to be the better person and face reality:

What faith was there for us to have when I could not even trust myself to take that next step with her?

Besides, even if I were to suddenly declare to Shepard that we ought to be in a committed relationship now, this would have been insincere of me… She would sense this; she would lose respect for me, for us.

And this was my fault.

Encouraging her to do what she had done; playing around with forces we hadn't understood at the time.

There needed to be consequences, after all…

Yet Shepard chose to say instead, "Ashley, listen to me… I understand how you feel. What I did, what I said last night—I thought it was only a dream. I'm sorry for letting my guard down. I'm your leader. I'm your commanding officer. I'm not supposed to give in or be weak around you. It was selfish of me."

Straightforward: "Are you…turning me down, then?"

A question for her question: "What are you asking me for, exactly?"

"You're not in a relationship, Shepard," reasoned Ashley. "You say you gave in, that you were weak, but I don't believe that. You held back—big-time. You kissed me awake. You asked me for my consent. You found out I'm still a virgin, and then you… You could have just…" She took a shuddering breath, shaking off her confusing arousal over such implications. "Even though it was a dream, you took care of me. You didn't treat me like some cheap slut, or…you know. Do you even realize what that says about you?"

Fortifying herself inside the strait-jacket of her restraint, Shepard said nothing.

Ashley embraced her anyway, gentleness getting to the core of what had grown between them.

Whispering against this forced stone of our commander, Ashley expressed: "I'm really scared to admit the truth to you, Shepard. Please…I only want you to hear me out with this." More forced stoicism, and Shepard nodded with her permission. "Look, you know me. Since when do I ever act like this around anyone, over anything, except you? You're my hero, Skipper. I've looked up to you for at least five years now—maybe more—and…and I know that makes you uneasy. You know what I'm saying here."

"Speak your mind, Ashley," requested Shepard, fresh with verification that that entire letter was real.

And Ashley's emotional breathing, her feelings and her harsher rasps igniting through her breaths, just like I knew Shepard couldn't resist: "I'd go to the ends of the galaxy for you, Commander… As much as you're standing here right now, with this wall, this stone, this dam over your heart, keeping me out—I'm your rock, too. You can rely on me! My love for you makes me fight harder. I'm stronger because of the way I feel about you. And I want to show you that… So I'm requesting your permission… For a chance."

Shepard closed her eyes in anguish, considering her words carefully.

"A chance…for what? Be upfront with me."

"What else? A chance to change your mind, for us to have something together. It doesn't even have to be a relationship…I can't ask you to leave Liara's side. The way you feel about her: I can tell, it's magical… All I want is for you and me to explore this, what we have between us now. I don't want you to shut me out. And I don't want you to act like you feel nothing for me, either… I'm begging you…please."

Caught red-handed from this whole affair, Shepard did not have the heart to turn her down: "That's fine with me, Ashley. I'll give you an honest chance to change my mind. I'll listen to you. But like I said before, don't expect anything anytime soon. I never asked for any of this. I need some time to adjust."

Ashley held back her excitement, dousing it with this reality: "You don't sound all that optimistic… Or convinced I'd even make a dent in that armor of yours."

"It's easier to doubt you. Before all of this happened, you were like a stranger to me. I worked to keep things that way. Now you're unraveling that work. I have the right to stay guarded. If it gets to be too much, then by all means, keep your distance. I have no intention of hurting you, or disrespecting you."

Hollow with remembrance: "You don't know enough about me… You're such a gentleman."

A sinking dread sounded through Shepard's question: "Are you all right…?"

"Yes, Shepard. Never better."

Ashley pulled away just enough to observe her properly.

Though much of that red had returned to Ashley's face, she remained in a state of reserved determination. In her reticence, Ashley concentrated and consolidated the morning thus far, finding and creating a new imbalance—her own restraint in the face of Shepard's difficulties, always in that duality of hers, even as our commander fought to hide how she felt.

She had Shepard well and truly unnerved, and she knew it.

"Ashley," tried Shepard. "I need you to keep this to yourself. Whatever happens—can you do that?"

"Understood, Sir."

Pausing from that new honorific, Shepard required reinforcement, "Promise me you will."

"Yes…you have my word."

Her word, Ashley laced and lingered over Shepard's mouth in a bold softness.

This continuation from last night, of that motorized heat melting away at the dam over Shepard's heart: whatever quiet contemplation Ashley expressed on the outside, she gave back this same uninhibited life through her tastes, igniting and reigniting those defenses in her way. Yet Ashley gave the same passions and curated attention that she would have given anyway, had Shepard worn herself bare and whole and unbroken. All without discriminating, without intimidating her own love away.

Even once she pulled back, Ashley never truly left Shepard's space in this proximity, staying near.

She kept her hands over Shepard's chest, adoring her face, her body in darkened esteem unending.

Ashley then spoke her mind, "Your kisses last night tasted like cinnamon, too… That your toothpaste?"

Vulnerable to such fixations, Shepard whispered, "Yes…"

"And your scent," said Ashley, angling her nose over Shepard's neck; inhaling. "It's so good… What is it?"

"It's black chamomile… Aromatherapy. I guess it's—a nice placebo, to keep me calm."

"I'll have to buy both of those for myself, then."

Ashley left the comm room, left Shepard staring after her as she went. Departing from the doorway with a deep-set scowl, she went around, far around, away from the side that I was on, as if she couldn't see me; as if it was a mere coincidence that she chose to walk around that other side. And for a brief time, she fooled me into thinking that this only happened by chance.

Inside the room, Shepard sat in my usual seat.

She hid her face in her hands, breathing in and out.

Everything about her aura signaled a need to be alone right now.

Bottling up my need to comfort her, I departed to the bridge, consumed by my patience for her.

---

Such a bitter cold iced through us all as we left the Normandy for Port Hanshan's outdoor docking bay.

This dull freeze layered itself right underneath my light armor, making it difficult to even think. All I could do was follow the black of Shepard's stealth suit and the light swing of her long tail of light hair as she walked. Practical as ever, she must have thought to wear more layers beneath her suit, as the material was far more versatile to allow for those sorts of extra precautions. Thus she had an ease about her as she strode through this colorless docking bay, the concrete blending into the scenic view of the blizzard raging on past the docks. Highlighting the contrast of the long strip of black over the lettering of the ship's name, frostbitten blue and white blew on in a chaotic flurry just beyond the area, unrelenting.

Ashley was somewhere behind me, suffering the same fate—yet she had far too much pride to do anything more than let out a trembling groan every so often, her breaths quivering through her teeth in this freeze. Tali walked next to her, seeming to be quite well-off in comparison with her own suit. Neither of them spoke a word, too focused on getting inside through customs first before anything.

Through this freeze, I wondered how I would react to seeing my mother. Yet I couldn't begin to fathom the idea of us reconciling again after all these years, after all that had happened…and all that I still could not remember, repressed as it remained. I feared that I would recall everything at the wrong moment.

Shiala had made it clear that Benezia had had the best of intentions when she chose to join Saren, and that she was now indoctrinated, acting against her will. In that sense, my mother was innocent.

A fleeting part of me hoped that we would at least be able to free her mind, if nothing else…

No matter how unpleasant this weather was, I couldn't help admiring this place. Something about this area, indeed, held a nostalgic sense of familiarity. Following after Shepard as she led the way to the port's security force down the long path, this inside-outside scene, of existing halfway out in the haphazard winds and snowing, all while surrounded by an indoor protection—this reminded me of her.

Shepard had me off-balance in her professionalism. Not long after the upheaval from earlier this morning, she had managed to turn off all outward signs of how troubled she may have been. She chose instead to focus on the mission. She decided that anything else was irrelevant, at least for the time being, when she could redirect her energies into something more…worthwhile.

At last, we reached the small group of security officers who awaited us, right next to the glass of the doors and the windows leading to Port Hanshan's incoming customs area. Two human women, a turian, and a handful of security drones hovering above and lighting the area in their cones of vision—the organic guards appeared to want to aim their assault rifles at our team, as we were fully-armed.

Yet the woman in the center—the security chief—gestured with her hand for her group to stand down.

"Hold, Spectre," she stated, direct in her tone. "You've been cleared for arrival by Parasini-san, Anoleis-sama, and the Executive Board. However, I must ask that you and your people relinquish your weapons. This is a secure port—I won't risk any incidents by allowing you to bring in your guns and your gear."

Having expected this, Shepard kept her cool as she asked, "And just who are you, exactly?"

"Captain Maeko Matsuo, with Elanus Risk Control Services," replied the security chief. "Please don't take offense, Commander Shepard. This is a standard process. Once your business on Noveria is concluded, we will be sure to return your items to you and your team in a timely manner."

"Look, Captain, you said it yourself—I have clearance from everyone that matters here. The person I talked to from arrival controls said nothing about weapons not being allowed inside the port."

"This is true," allowed Matsuo. "They would not have mentioned it. However, due to recent events on Peak 15, we can't take any chances. Once more, I must ask that you leave your weapons here with us."

"Right," droned Shepard, bored of this. "Who's in charge here? That Parasini-san? Miss Parasini."

"Yes, Commander. I am glad you're familiar with our honorifics. Gianna Parasini is the secretary for Administrator Anoleis, head of the Executive Board. I would discourage you from attempting to contact Anoleis-sama—he is quite busy throughout all times of the day, and does not wish to be disturbed. I'm afraid that Parasini-san is the only one who might be able to overrule our procedures for you."

"Gianna, huh?" asked Shepard, giving a sidelong glance through the glass leading to customs—finding a tanned human woman with her dark hair in a bun, wearing a pink dress and heels, and ogling quite openly at her. "Is that her in there?"

Captain Matsuo scanned her eyes to the gawking woman in the building, and then back to us.

"Yes, that would be Parasini-san."

Shepard suggested in a sour suggestiveness, "Why don't you give her a call; ask her to smooth this over for me? I'm sure she'll be willing to hear us out. She doesn't look too busy at the moment."

The blonde security officer scoffed in disgust. "Oh, for the love of God! You can't just charm your way into her pants to get what you want! If you seriously think you're going to get away with this…"

"I'm not charming anyone here," claimed Shepard. "She's right in there, right this second, and she's the only one who can get me in this place with my gear. So I want you to call her. Now."

"Very well, Spectre," accepted Matsuo, bringing up her radio. "Parasini-san? This is Captain Matsuo. Come in, Parasini-san. Commander Shepard is here now, and she is requesting that she and her team be allowed to enter Port Hanshan with their weapons. Do we have your authorization for this?"

Inside the building, Gianna fumbled with the datapad in her hands as she responded—"Yes, yes! Please allow the Spectre and her team in with their weapons. They're clear. That is all."

Captain Matsuo gave no reaction to Gianna abruptly ending the call. "You heard Parasini-san," she said. "You and your people may enter through to customs. For your own safety, please do not attempt to cause a scene, or otherwise use violent force against any of the employees or company managers here in Port Hanshan. Should we discover you violating our rules, we will be forced to apprehend you."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh, whatever," she deadpanned. "Thanks for the friendly warning, Captain. Tali, Ashley, Liara—let's go. It's fucking cold out here."

She stepped closer to the doors, and they opened automatically.

Eyeing that blonde security officer who continued to scowl in our wake, Shepard gestured for the three of us to enter first. We headed inside as Shepard watched our backs—though I noticed Ashley and Tali doing their best to conceal their reactions, their glee over such a display of our commander's manners, however unintentional this may have been on her part.

I smiled as we reached the relative warmth of the building's interior.

More security drones, and more of this same cold, cold concrete decorated the area in a drab, non-welcoming welcome. Upstairs, the clerk's desks had no one behind them, no one greeting the new arrivals. The misting heat from the waterfall between the sets of stairs felt as more welcoming than anything else could have, at least in a place like this. And the few people sitting around on benches all narrowed their eyes at us in suspicion and unease, disapproving of our presence here.

Once we reached the top of the stairs, that Gianna woman soon took her place behind the clerk's desk on our left. She settled away that datapad that had slipped out of her hold earlier. On our approach, she attempted to continue busying herself, but this time in a more calm and collected manner.

The security drones blared with their alarms from detecting our weapons.

Gianna quickly disabled the alarms, still trying to remain composed.

Shepard reached the desk first, asking her, "So, are you Gianna?"

"Yes!" replied Gianna, smiling in nerves. "Yes… Yes, I am Gianna Parasini—assistant to Administrator Anoleis. The Executive Board sends their regards… It's not every day we have a fully-armed Spectre and her team passing through here. Might I ask what business you have on Noveria this morning?"

Shepard pointed out, "Your people at arrival controls said I had your personal clearance to dock my ship outside. I told them I'm here on Council business. They didn't give you any details?"

"Oh! Oh, right, right, I—I must have forgotten! Yes, I believe they mentioned something about Matriarch Benezia…? You're here to visit her on Peak 15, then? Or are you perhaps here for something else…?"

In my periphery, I noticed Ashley rolling her eyes, and clicking her tongue in a 'bitchy' sort of revulsion.

"We're here to find the matriarch," confirmed Shepard. "I heard you shut down all the shuttles heading up to the Skadi Mountains, and that surface access to the area is cut off. Is there any other way my team and I can get up to this research facility?"

Gianna informed us, "You could drive up to the mountain through the valley… But, due to the environmental hazard caused by the blizzard, I can't really recommend it. You would also need a garage pass to access any vehicles for the drive. Though you will need clearance from Administrator Anoleis to leave this port at all. If you actually want to brave this blizzard, you'll have to speak with him first."

"And where is this boss of yours?"

"His office is on the main level—take the elevator straight through here, and head left down the plaza."

"Understood," said Shepard. "Can we head over there now, or do I need to fill out a form or something? Your ridiculous layers of security here are a bit much."

Gianna smiled and said, "There won't be any forms to fill out, Commander—not this time… You and your team are free to go. You'll find me in the administrator's office. Should you need anything else, I will be all too happy to assist. If you'll excuse me."

Once that was over, Shepard guided us to the elevator around the corner.

Tali commented, "I'm not sure how I feel about this place so far. Almost everyone is suspicious of us for the reasons Shepard mentioned before—or they're the exact opposite and acting overly-friendly."

Ashley stopped herself from laughing. "Tali, sweetie, if you seriously think that secretary woman was just acting overly-friendly, then I have a bridge to sell you. Wanna buy it? I could use the extra creds!"

"A bridge?" puzzled Tali. "Why would I want to buy a bridge from you, Ashley? That is so strange! Is this another one of your human expressions that I have zero context for?"

"Could be," teased Ashley. "Hey, why don't you teach me some of your quarian sayings? I'm pretty sure I know 'Keelah se'lai' by now. That one always sounded religious to me. What else is there?"

"You're still in a good mood, hm?"

"Mostly, yeah… Why, do you want me to be pissed off and upset instead? I was kind of tragic last night."

"No, I would never want that," insisted Tali as we all entered the elevator—again, after Shepard allowed us in first. "I should have seen this coming, that's all. It feels like I keep getting blindsided these days…"

Close quarters, round, and enclosing in on our personal space: this dark teal-tinted glass surrounded us, cutting out almost all natural light from the area. As the elevator took us to the main floor, each of the other landings we passed by peeked through to us with their light, offsetting the relative dark here for brief moments at a time.

In front of me, Ashley and Tali continued to speak, the tone of their conversation having dimmed a bit.

At my side, Shepard reached for my hand nearest to hers. Intertwining her gloved touch with my armored one, she allowed us to have this time, this closeness. She did not look at me, not even when I gazed up at her in curiosity, maintaining her mask instead. And even with these materials in the way, I could still feel how limber her hand was, filled only with the finest of sinew from her many years of putting her hands to work. Those details made me smile once more, enjoying this pleasant jolting that sparked through our joined hands, all as reminders of our ceaseless feelings for one another.

Ceaseless indeed, because even once she let go of my hand as we left the elevator, she had left her mark over me, making me wish that we were back in her private cabin, back in her bed again.

Shepard had enthralled me so much, I could hardly notice that we were not on our way to the administrator's office, instead heading straight through the plaza to someplace else.

Though even in my haze, I was able to appreciate how much better this location was compared to customs, and compared to the docking bay outside. This plaza was warmer, with more of that nostalgia blanketing me, somehow. The layered levels of the open area was filled with more security guards, employees, and company managers avoiding us, eyeing us up and down—but it was simple enough to ignore them. After all, the ample waterfalls smoking with heat made this place feel like home to me.

So peaceful—even the blizzard raging beyond the picture windows all along the far wall brought me much comfort. Smoothing over my confusions from last night, from this morning, I indulged in that sight, and of how the very picture of that white and tundra blue clouded through here, through to the decorative stone and slanted layers of concrete all around us.

More beautiful than all, Shepard's eyes and skin had absorbed that opaque light, so picturesque in her razor-sharp concentration as she walked by my side, focused on our path ahead.

With her concentration, I also picked up on the subtle whispers passing through this area, heavy with the atmosphere; hiding within the comfort of this space to blend in, to become obscure.

I was not fooled by these civilized surroundings. This was a place of secrets and lies.

"Rock gardens and waterfalls!" spotted Ashley. "Very Zen."

Tali wondered, "What is Zen? Sounds a little familiar."

"It's from a religion back on Earth. I guess the word means…peace. It's this aesthetic, too."

Looking around as we reached another elevator, past a pair of green signs along the wall, Tali asked, "This place is peaceful to you?"

"Yeah, don't you think?" supposed Ashley, entering the similar dark-teal of this glass and limited space.

"Hmm, maybe this is peaceful… Not this port. Not these people. Being here with all of you is Zen."

"That's so adorable—I'm gonna have to steal it from you."

As the elevator took us to yet another area, Shepard held my hand once more.

This time, she used her thumb to caress mine.

Curling my smile inward, I noticed out of the corner of my eye: the way our laced hands reflected in the glass surfaces around us, dulled by that dark.

In that same reflection, I felt Ashley's stare burning a hole through the glass.

We soon arrived to what looked like a bar in the lobby of a hotel. Still more of this dull, colorless aesthetic from the rest of the port, the area was rather sparse at this hour of the morning, as it should have been. The few patrons around sat at circular tables, mostly in groups, having early alcoholic drinks together before heading into the office. At the topmost level up the stairs, I noticed a few lone individuals sitting by themselves, absorbed in their business on their terminals, drinks in-hand.

Ashley hummed, contented as we walked past the heated water and large set of rocks in the center.

"I like the music here," she remarked. "It's so chill. Atmospheric, a little moody. I could listen to this song for hours and never get sick of it…"

"More Zen?" pondered Tali.

"Yes, Tali. More Zen."

Shepard led us to an empty table near the large set of picture windows, open to the comforting view of the blizzard outside. She pulled out my designated chair for me to sit down, right near the window. I smiled at her as I sat, and as Tali sat next to me, with Ashley right across. I also expected her to sit with us in the only other open seat, yet she remained standing.

"Skipper?" asked Ashley. "No idea why we're here first, but aren't you gonna sit with us?"

"Not this time, Chief," dodged Shepard. "I'm going to use my tactical cloak for some solo reconnaissance on that Gianna Parasini. Something's off about her, and I want to find out what it is. Before I go, I'll buy you ladies some drinks. Non-alcoholic, by the way—we're still on a mission here."

Tali laughed softly. "That's really thoughtful of you… Thanks."

"Thank you, Commander," I expressed. "That would be lovely."

Ashley couldn't hide her smile. "Yeah, that's unexpected. Thanks, Shepard…"

Shepard maintained her mask, however softened she was on the inside. "I'll go see what they have at the bar," she said. "Probably not that much. I'm guessing it'll be regular fruit juice that they use to mix in with the other drinks. Will that work for you?" The three of us nodded, lightened. "All right. Wait here."

As she headed over to the bar nearby, I watched her go, watched the perfunctory rigidness of her walk.

Yet even in her mechanical stride, I saw such an air of confidence about her—that professionalism. How she held her head high as she went, not quite physically looking down on those she passed by, although she might as well have anyway; how the tail of her hair hanging from the center-back of her head moved ever-so-slightly as a metronome of her movements; and how she held her shoulders back slightly, leaving her arms a little loose, reminding me just enough of her runway walk from her previous career.

Ashley noticed the same, grinning freely. "Is this real?" she asked—rhetorical. "Shepard's actually treating us to drinks, letting us sit here while she handles this leg of the mission? I almost feel bad, but it's not like I'm gonna turn down her hospitality! Man, this day so far—it's been like a roller coaster…"

"I'll say," agreed Tali, captivated. "She can be really sweet sometimes…when she wants to be."

"And she never loses her scowl while she does it. That makes it even sweeter."

Tali admitted: "Mmm, yes, she used to scare me. I would worry about her moods—if I was bound to make her angry at any moment. For some reason, she hasn't lost her patience with me. Not yet…"

Ashley laughed a bit. "I doubt that's even possible," she speculated. "There's a reason why I'm always calling you cute. Skipper sees what I see; I bet she wouldn't have the heart to yell at you over anything. Besides, you know your stuff. You're fine, Tali." We all watched as Shepard leaned over the plain surface of the bar, monitoring the salarian bartender closely as he prepared our drinks. "You know, seeing her like this, it gets harder and harder to not just…tell you guys what's been on my mind lately."

Even me, really?

"It's okay," consoled Tali. "There's no pressure to tell us anything. By the way, I did tell Liara that Kaidan told me about that 'boyfriend' of yours. So she knows as much as I do. No secrets here."

Gaping at her, Ashley asked, "You think this is related…to that?"

"Um, yes? I'm making an educated guess. This is the main thing you've been upset about all this time, and what you were so vague about last night. Isn't it?"

"Oh… Sure, I guess that makes sense. And yeah—it is about that…"

"Well, like I said, there's no pressure," repeated Tali. "I don't want you to feel like you have to tell us, just because we're all sitting here having drinks together. We're here to support you no matter what."

Ashley didn't believe half of that last sentence. "I'll…think it over. Thanks, Tali."

All of a sudden, we heard Shepard shouting at the cowering bartender—"What the hell is this?! I said dextro! This is supposed to be for a quarian—are you trying to kill her?!" Throwing the drink in the salarian's face, she ordered, "Make the right drink this time, goddamnit. If I scan the next one, too, and it's wrong, this empty glass is gonna end up someplace you really don't want it to go."

"I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" cried the bartender, fruit juice dripping from his face as he hurried to find the correct items. "I'll do it right this time, I promise. I promise! Just please don't hurt me!"

"Whatever," dismissed Shepard, picking up the other drinks next to her. "You'd better have it ready by the time I get back here. And I'm not paying for it, either."

As Shepard made her way back to our table with two glasses, Ashley hid her laughter behind her hands.

"Oh, she's pissed," she noticed in amusement.

"Don't let her see you laughing," warned Tali.

"Here," said Shepard, settling two glasses of sugary, fruity drinks over the surface—one for me, and one for Ashley. "Sorry, Tali. The idiot bartender is making yours over. My scans showed that the first one he made wasn't dextro. The last thing I need right now is you dying over some negligent shit like this."

Tali giggled. "I understand, Shepard. Thank you."

Ashley asked, "You have one of those dextro-scanning programs on your omni-tool? How come?"

"For situations like these," stated Shepard. "I also use it to scan our incoming shipments of food for the ship. I've had to throw out more than enough packages because they brought the wrong meals for Tali and Garrus. I filed a formal complaint with the Alliance over it. Hasn't happened again in a while now."

"Shepard," chanced Tali. "I'm going to tell you something now. Promise you won't get angry with me?"

Scowling more, Shepard accepted, "Right… What is it?"

"I have to say, you're the sweetest, most thoughtful, and most organized captain I've ever had the pleasure of knowing—on any ship, including all of the ones in the Flotilla. I could turn around for a moment, and then you already have the solution to my problems waiting for me, without me needing to ask you more than once, if at all. I've learned my lesson to not judge you by how intimidating you look. In fact, I think you're only protecting yourself with those habits of yours. You're a big softy, you know."

Ashley tried to disguise her smirking, to no avail.

I of course smiled in agreement.

In response, Shepard steeled her eyes with her defenses. She bit down on her smile that was about to reveal itself, wrangling it back in favor of her default expression instead, sturdier than before.

She then settled on muttering, "You're…really weird, Tali. I'll…be right back with that drink for you."

Turning to leave again, Shepard's posture was much stiffer this time.

Ashley laughed and said, "Major props, Tali. You had some serious balls to tell that to the commander's face. I'm never gonna forget her reaction. She was trying so hard not to smile at you!"

"Everything I said is perfectly true," justified Tali, sounding much lighter. "Isn't it?"

"Yes, it is," I agreed.

"Mmm, and you would know, wouldn't you, Liara?"

"I would—and I do. Shepard is very considerate of all our needs. If you were to ask her about this directly, I am sure she would tell you it is merely part of her job as our leader."

Sultry in her meaning, Tali pointed out, "She chooses to be good at it, though. Don't you think?"

Willing to play this game with her, I requested, "Do tell. You must have more thoughts on this."

"Recall the last thing she said—'I'll be right back with that drink for you.' Curious choice of words. She was supposed to be so stubborn, and yet she still gave away my importance to her. I get the impression that this is something that comes naturally to her in many different situations. Know what I mean?"

"And you're asking for confirmation," I noticed. "Is that what you're doing, Tali?"

"Liara, I'm asking for more than mere confirmation. We're going to be here alone, just us three, while Shepard is off working for us. Please don't act like you're confused—it doesn't suit you at all."

"I am allowed to act confused if you won't say what you mean."

"Confused… More like coy. Does Shepard like this on you, then? Is that it?"

Ashley pulled her drink closer, staring at it with a focus that felt wholly awkward and uncomfortable.

Letting myself smile over this, I replied, "Tali, you've surprised me. I had no idea that you would ever voice anything like this out loud. Forgive me for avoiding your questions for the moment—I do intend to answer you. Once we're alone, that is."

Tali laughed, much softer this time. "I'll hold you to that."

Far sterner than before, Shepard again returned to the table, final drink in-hand. "Sorry for the wait," she regretted, giving Tali her chilled glass of juice, with a straw specifically for her quarian helmet. "My scans came back clean this time. Do you want to run one, too, just in case?"

Tali sipped the drink, without scanning it. "This is nice, Shepard," she complimented. "I trust you."

Hiding behind her own glass, Ashley drank her dark berry juice, seeming anxious about something.

I asked, "Commander, will you only be doing reconnaissance? Or do you have other plans?"

Shepard explained, "Just stalking Gianna while I'm cloaked, and maybe finding one of those garage passes lying around. I know a spy when I see one. This shouldn't take long."

Tali told her, "There's no rush, you know… Feel free to take your time. We'll be here, waiting for you."

Her face as red as her drink, Ashley stared out to the blizzard past the windows.

Shepard regarded each of us, one at a time, sensing…perhaps too much. More than she could handle at a time like this. She almost faltered in her strength, picking up on the possible, probable reasons behind Tali's coyness and mine, and Ashley's sudden, obstinate shyness.

Narrowing her eyes in deep suspicion, Shepard announced, "I should go."

She turned on her heel and left the bar, ignoring an asari harassing her for her attention as she went.

Tali sighed in contentment once Shepard was gone. "She's something else, isn't she?"

"She is, indeed," I spoke.

Ashley groaned in discomfort. "No, you two are something else," she complained. "What the hell…?"

"What?" asked Tali. "How are you surprised by any of this?"

"I'm not. Not really. I get it—the commander's a total chick magnet. She's gorgeous. Certified stud…"

Tali feigned ignorance, "Oh? Do you think about this often, Ashley?"

Not quite spotting the obvious, Ashley threw her hands in the air. "You know what? Fine!" she conceded—to what, exactly, I couldn't know yet. "I'm gonna come clean with you two. Just—don't tell anyone, especially not the guys. I don't want Joker and Wrex teasing me over this…"

"Your secret's safe with us," promised Tali.

I added, "Ashley, I think we've already agreed that this entire conversation will remain private."

"You're right," she accepted. "Okay, then…"

Ashley found her trust in us—even me, somehow.

"So…for the past—five or six years, since I was nineteen, twenty years old, I've been questioning my sexuality. I already knew I liked guys. With women, there was always a giant question mark… It took me a long time to come to grips with this. Ever since I was little, I've had this fantasy, this image burned into my head that I'd settle down with a guy someday. It's what I learned from my own family: a male father, a female mother, a bunch of natural kids… Any time I tried to imagine something else, it felt like I was betraying them. It sounds stupid, I know… But my family means so much to me. I just—couldn't…"

Tali spoke her awe, "Ashley…are you me? Well, I-I've never outright questioned my sexuality, but…"

Ashley stared in shock. "You can't mean… What are you saying, Tali?"

"I've been going through almost the same thing with my family for years now!"

"No way!"

"Yes!"

Sighing in deep relief, Ashley said, "Tali, this is so crazy! Did you have your other family members and friends and—pretty much everyone asking when you're gonna get married to some guy, someday?"

"I have!" confirmed Tali. "It was the worst with my Auntie Raan when I was in school, and I didn't have a boyfriend! She would ask if something was wrong, or if I needed help; or she would offer to introduce me to so-and-so's son or nephew, as if that was the solution to my problem. I couldn't possibly tell her that I was secretly in love with a straight girl at the time, and that I was depressed over it… There was no way my father would have approved of me being depressed over that, either…"

"Yeah, same here… I only had one boyfriend in high school, though. My younger sisters thought I was allergic to boys or something. They'd give me the third degree, asking why I was single even though I had plenty of guys calling me hot all the time… I'd just brush them off and say I was focused on protecting them from any stupid boys, and they believed me. This is so weird… What a coincidence."

Tali explained her feelings, "It's a lot of pressure… And it's not as if being gay or bisexual, or even trans is some huge taboo anymore. I did a bit of research on how it was for you humans. It sounds like it was the same for my people, too, for the longest. Still, straight is the default, and explaining otherwise to your father—who already has high expectations of you—can be rather daunting…"

"I felt that same pressure, too," shared Ashley. "My family's really religious. If this was two hundred years ago, they would've disowned me… These days, I worry they'd say it's unnatural for me to get pregnant by a woman, like our family wouldn't be real… I just—I don't wanna let them down. That's part of what made me keep questioning. Plus, when I did hook up with girls, everything wouldn't add up…"

"I know what you mean, Ashley…mostly. Except I haven't had the chance to—well, you know…"

Careful, delicate, Ashley asked, "Are you…not there yet? Still undecided, or…?"

"Uhm…I-I don't really know if that applies to me… I mean, I do know for certain that I'm attracted to other women. I've always known… It's amusing when a man thinks he likes me. It's never been anything more than that. Only the amusement, kind of like how I thought it was so sweet that Kaidan liked Liara right away from the sound of her voice. But because of my father and how strict he is, I'm not quite ready to put a label on anything yet. I still can't even admit to a woman how I might feel about her…"

"I'm sure you'll get there someday, Tali. Hopefully your Dad comes around, too. Mine passed on a few years back… I'll always regret not opening up to him about this. Maybe if I had his approval, I wouldn't have spent so much time beating myself up about everything… If he could've given me one of those big smiles of his, and told me it would all be okay, I'd have come out to everyone way sooner."

Tali touched Ashley's shoulder. "I'm sorry about your father… I'll try to find the courage to open up to mine one day. After everything he's done for me, I owe him that much. Thanks for showing me that."

"Definitely," agreed Ashley. "And now, this is my coming out party, with you guys." She raised her glass in the air. "I can't keep denying it anymore! I'm bisexual—no question. There's no way I only like guys. I like women, too, and I've found my peace with that. No more running. Today, I'm starting off fresh. I still don't know when I'll tell my family… I won't let myself worry about that right now. I need this for me."

"That's wonderful to hear, Ashley!" said Tali. "I'm really happy for you."

"I'm glad for you as well," I told her. "It's as if a weight's been lifted from your shoulders."

Ashley soured, "Yes and no, Liara… Yes and no."

Tali wondered, "Hmm, then what's the rest? What's the matter?"

Such specific, nervous laughter. "There's a big reason I can't stay in denial about this anymore…"

"And what could this big reason be?"

"Tali, come on," griped Ashley. "It's someone! Someone that I like a whole lot? You can't tell me you don't know by now…"

"Hmm, refresh my memory?" requested Tali, supposedly innocent.

Raging in code—"The sun, Tali! The sun!"

Tali drank the last of her juice, silently goading Ashley to just say it already.

"After I showed you my entire collection of her sexy fashion magazines last night, you seriously have no idea who it is?!"

More false innocence: "No…?"

"Damnit, Tali, it's Shepard! It's her!"

Tali placed her hands over the mouth-light of her helmet, pretending to be shocked.

Ashley swiped at her. "Will you stop that?! You were just being supportive a few minutes ago!"

Giggling over this whole thing, Tali apologized, "I'm sorry, Ashley. I could have sworn you knew that I knew. You were so obvious about it for the longest—and I don't only mean when we talked last night. The moment Kaidan came to me with that fake story you fed him, he all but confirmed it for me."

"What do you mean, I was obvious about it? You're kidding!"

"You were," I confirmed. "If you had been subtler in your approach, perhaps I might not have noticed."

Ashley groaned, admitting, "Subtlety's not exactly my thing…"

I frowned at her. "You don't say."

"Look, sometimes, I don't have any brakes, okay? No filter, no chaser. I can't help it, and there's nothing I can do to change that. As long as no one else knows, I'll be fine!"

Tali and I looked to one another.

"Oh, God, this can't be happening… Please don't tell me…"

"Ashley," I tried. "I am not saying that everyone knows. Only that Shepard has also known."

Tali nodded. "That's what I figured as well."

Ashley mumbled, "That's even worse…"

"Oh, stop it, Ashley," coaxed Tali. "By now, Shepard knows that I have a crush on her, and she hasn't kicked me off the ship. You saw the way she reacted to me earlier, and the look she gave each of us before she left. She knows that this is the real Team Renegade Shepard. It's the three of us, here."

"But how can you talk about this like it's no big deal?! She's our commander…"

"Is there really any reason for us to keep avoiding this topic? Besides, Liara is right here, and she hasn't told us to shut up already. She's made it clear that this isn't a problem. Why not discuss it?"

Ashley eyed me again.

She knew that she could speak nothing of the allowances that Shepard had given her.

She knew that she could divulge nothing of how Shepard did or did not feel about her.

As long as she followed the rules, she knew—I truly had no issues with this conversation.

Taking a deep breath, Ashley muttered her admission, "Okay, fine… I'm an open book for you guys now. Or at least, I might as well be… What do you wanna know?"

Tali held nothing back: "How are you able to masturbate to her so many times in a row? I can hear you sometimes when I listen closely through the wall connecting our rooms together. It's like you never seem to stop on most nights. So, how do you do it?"

Ashley hid her burning face in her hands. "Right for the jugular, huh…?"

"Hardly. I'm only getting started."

"Ugh, you're such a perv… Spying on me through the wall? Really?"

"Maybe I am. I like listening to someone else lose their mind over her for a change. Now answer me."

Seeing no way to avoid this any longer, Ashley removed the brakes, so to speak:

"It's because I lose my mind, like you said… That and my sex drive is insane…for her and only her. With everyone else I had before, I'd want sex. Not necessarily with them—they just so happened to be there at the time. They were convenient… Then we'd get in bed, and they were too sloppy or clumsy. Or they were too soft, treating me like a doll that could break at any minute. So I'd think about something else, anything else, and I'd get off…and then I'd feel sick to my stomach for wasting my time like that."

Tali knew, "You settled for less, then?"

"Compared to Shepard? Way, way less…"

"Go on."

"Look, I'll be the first to admit that I may be idealizing her…"

"Hmm, Ashley, I don't know about that. You didn't hear the unintentional demonstration Liara and Shepard gave us the other day. And I spared you the details because I wasn't sure how you would feel. I'm surprised the others haven't mentioned it in the chat that much, honestly."

Ashley wanted to know now—"Tell me. Give me the details. What didn't you say?"

Tali looked to me, praising, "Liara, I never did congratulate you. Shepard wouldn't stop that night. By my count, and Joker's estimations, she kept going, kept pleasing you for at least eight hours—"

"—eight hours?!" cried Ashley, lowering her voice enough to prevent anyone else in the bar from overhearing us. "Holy shit, Liara… What did you do to her!? How did you get her to do that for you?"

Rather enjoying this heat in my own face, I explained, "There was nothing I did to her, Ashley…"

"No—I don't buy it," she insisted. "You don't get it… Seriously, I still can't wrap my head around this."

"Be honest with me," I requested. "What do you mean?"

"Real talk, Liara: when we first met, I assumed you were way too sweet and innocent to be on Shepard's radar! And even if she did want you, I thought there was no way she'd put herself out there like that… You were only fresh meat—why take the risk? Then you come out of nowhere, and got her to turn you out like this?! What does she see in you? Why does she want you this badly? Tell me—I need to know!"

And then I remembered Shepard's wise warnings—that Ashley was bound to insert herself into my business, needing to know more about me, exactly in this way.

Tali chimed in, "I'll admit, Liara—I want to know, too. Won't you share with us?"

"I'm not sure where to begin," I prefaced. From the way they hung on my every word so far, they didn't seem to care about my hesitations—they wanted me to give them something, anything to hold on to. "Well…it is rather cliché to say this, but all is not as it appears with me. You say that I am sweet and innocent, yet this is only one side of my personality. I am not that simple."

Ashley couldn't tear her sights from me. "You're saying there's more to you than meets the eye…"

"Yes, that human expression is appropriate."

"Then, what else is there?" she asked. "What am I missing here? What are we not seeing?"

"Don't you think you are already witnessing another side of me? Here, right at this moment."

"I guess… But I want you to paint a picture for me, Liara. I need to understand you, how you operate."

I wasn't confident that she would be familiar with the simpler term, the shortcut.

So I told her, "When I was younger, my mother Benezia would call me her little wing. This is the purity that you know—but the picture, as you say, is incomplete. Because of how controlling my mother was, I was forced to hide the rest of who I am. Yet I have always known that I want more from someone than simple dating, along with any normal, typical expectations. I have never been with anyone before Shepard. She understands me, and she has shown me that it is possible to have far more than just sex."

Tali shifted in her seat and gazed out to the snow, thinking…

But the way Ashley stared at me—it was as if I'd transformed before her very eyes.

No longer the shy bookworm she had assumed me to be.

Such boldness from her: "Liara…are you saying you're into—an alternative lifestyle?"

I smiled over her comprehension. "On a mental and emotional level, yes, I am."

"You said that Shepard understands you… Does that mean—the other night—she wasn't able to resist you instead of it being the other way around? She kept giving it to you for that long because you had her wrapped around your finger… And she gave you that focus of hers, that crazy attention to detail she has. She knows what she's doing when she touches you, when she kisses you… She wants you…as a woman."

"Yes, Ashley… She gives me what I want. Sometimes I am selfish… She enjoys it."

"Does she really give you everything you want…? Everything you could ever possibly need?"

"She does—because she wants to. Because I want her to want it. If she didn't want this as badly as she does, then it wouldn't be the same. She wants to please me as much as possible. It's…invigorating."

Ashley could hardly contain herself: "Mmm, she's a people-pleaser…isn't she? Please tell me she is…"

I nodded. She grinned in the slickness of her own fantasizing.

"You said Shepard's your first. I have to ask—" Even more boldness: "Are you still a virgin?"

Tali snapped out of her daydreaming—"Ashley!"

I replied, "Yes—"

"—oh, my God!" Those memories from last night—Ashley remembered. "Oh, fuck… Oh, my God!"

"What, what's wrong?" worried Tali. "You're freaking out… How is this a bad thing, exactly?"

"Tali, it's not a bad thing—"

And then a certain radio call passed through our ears at the same time: "Shepard to bar party. Shepard to bar party. Bar party, do you read me?"

Quickly muting herself via her omni-tool, Ashley snorted with laughter.

Tali muted her own radio as well, giggling madly.

I smiled over Shepard's dry sense of humor, responding to her, "Yes, Commander, we are here. How is everything going with your reconnaissance?"

"I'm finished here. We can proceed with the rest of the mission now. Bring Tali and Ashley with you, and meet me outside the administrator's office. Do you remember the directions Gianna gave us earlier?"

"I do remember—from the main elevator, we are to head left down the plaza. Well, we will need to go to the right from our current direction. If we can proceed, does this mean you procured a garage pass?"

"Yes, we're good to go," responded Shepard, annoyed.

I could have sworn I heard Captain Matsuo's voice somewhere in the background from where she was.

I asked her, "Is…something wrong, Shepard?"

She went silent for a moment, moving farther away from the sounds of the captain's voice.

I wondered: "Commander, how exactly did you obtain this garage pass?"

"That prick Anoleis had one right in his pocket. I knew I wouldn't be able to cloak past his security drones—their sensors would have found me, setting off every alarm across Port Hanshan. Then the situation with Gianna escalated. I had to take alternative measures to secure the garage pass."

Tali and Ashley looked to me, sharing in my concerns.

We made our way out of the bar, passing by various corporate employees speaking to one another in panicked whispers, fretting over some recent event that had occurred downstairs.

Unmuting herself as we reached the elevator, Tali asked, "Shepard, what do you mean by alternative measures? What are you saying?"

"…you'll see when you get here."

Ashley questioned, "Okay, then how did the situation with his secretary escalate? You said you planned on spying on her, didn't you? To find out if she was a spy?"

"I did listen in on her conversations," confirmed Shepard. "I used my cloak to follow her around. That's when I learned the information I needed to get this garage pass."

As the elevator took us back to the main level, Tali couldn't help inquiring, "Did you…seduce her?"

Muting herself once more, Ashley tried so hard not to laugh.

"Tali, I'm not even going to justify that with a response."

I continued the conversation, "Then what happened?"

"Once it looked like the four of us were a no-show to the administrator's office, she left to go make a private call through an encrypted network. She was on the line with a friend, gushing about—something—and worrying about how she might've blown her cover over the whole thing. She apparently worked for Noveria Internal Affairs as a double-agent, trying to bust Anoleis for his financial crimes."

There was really no need to ask her what this something was that Gianna had gushed about.

"You then decided to bring this information to Administrator Anoleis?"

Shepard replied, "It was only supposed to be blackmail for the pass. Gianna was irrelevant—according to her, there are about a dozen other double-agents sneaking around here on the administrator's ass. She knew she was expendable, and that's why she was so worried about her cover. I figured someone else could do a better job—with some more professionalism—and Anoleis would go down eventually."

We soon reached the main level. Tali and Ashley walked alongside me as we passed through the plaza, doing our best to avoid the many ERCS guards that had nearly overtaken the area. I made sure to lower my voice as much as possible as I continued speaking to Shepard, getting to the bottom of this.

I disapproved of her methods, as we could have found some other way to obtain the pass without allowing an alleged criminal to continue his schemes.

Still, that was irrelevant right now—what was done was done.

"And after all of your justifications, did Anoleis give you the pass in exchange for the blackmail?"

Quite able to hear the displeasure in my tone, some of Shepard's nerves passed through, "Not exactly… And not right away. He promised he'd give me the pass after he had a talk with Gianna. He wanted to confront her. I figured he'd fire her and be done with it."

Almost to the administrator's office, this larger gathering of security officers spoke the obvious.

"Shepard," I said, noticing the way Ashley and Tali regarded me in worry, for they knew I objected to this. "Administrator Anoleis did not simply fire his assistant once he confronted her. Did he?"

More nerves, more guilt: "There was…an altercation."

"An altercation?! Commander—"

We then arrived to the administrator's office—or the open doorway, at least—where this altercation had taken place not moments before. Lifeless upon the ground were two bodies, human and salarian, almost at an angle to one another. That pink dress, and an elite suit that only someone on the Executive Board could have afforded—this had to have been none other than Gianna Parasini and Administrator Anoleis. Guns in-hand, they appeared to have shot one another dead during their argument.

No doubt that Shepard had procured the garage pass from Anoleis' pocket after his murder.

Nearby, I heard Captain Matsuo informing her superiors among ERCS that no one knew how or why this had occurred, including Shepard, after she had questioned the commander as a possible witness.

That possible witness, indeed, whom had retreated to a far corner closer to the snowy windows, away from the gaggle of security guards: Shepard had her back to us, brooding next to the wall over there. She shook her head from time to time, seeming to brace herself for our reactions once we found her.

As Tali and Ashley joined me in heading over to Shepard's side, I supposed I could no longer be angry with her. Though I would have preferred if the appropriate authorities had been able to apprehend Anoleis instead, he was dead now, and so that was the final end to his alleged illegal activities.

Once we were near enough, Shepard only looked to us once, before leading the way to the garage area.

We again avoided any security officers that we could, thankfully finding that the winding hallways just before the garage were empty enough.

However, Ashley could not stay quiet, "You're always on top of things… How did this all go so wrong?"

Shepard knew that she had been shortsighted about this. "…oops."

"'Oops'?! What the hell?! This is nothing like you. Commander!"

"Ash, whatever… It's done. Let's just get out of here."

Disarmed by Shepard at last using her nickname—in reality—Ashley quickly found her forgiveness.

Flirtatious, sexy, yet reserved: "Sir, yes sir…"

Breathing out built-up steam through her nose, Shepard could think of nothing to say in response.

Tali hummed, deep in thought, yet she also chose not to say anything.

I had no idea why I was amused by this.

But I supposed this was better than staying angry at Shepard over her uncharacteristic mistakes.

At the entrance to the garage, Shepard showed the garage pass to the lone security officer standing guard next to the glass doors. The officer gave us a look of bewilderment, before confirming that the pass was genuine, and allowing us to pass through.

Yet once we arrived to the dark gray of this large, large space, there was nothing here. The closed garage doors led out to the Aleutsk Valley just outside—those winding paths suffering from the brunt of the blizzard. Smells of vehicle exhaust mixed with heat desperately attempting to pierce the chill fogging the area: not a single vehicle, including the complimentary Grizzly truck that Port Hanshan normally would have had here, and including the Mako from the Normandy that should have been here by now.

After all of that, we had reached a dead end…

Shepard called Joker right away—"Shore party to Normandy, come in! Joker!"

Joker answered in a panic, "Commander, what the heck is going on?! There's a swarm of ERCS guards outside on the docking bay! The people at arrival controls said there was some kind of incident in Port Hanshan, and now they're on lockdown? They're not trying to get into the ship or anything, but still!"

"…there was an incident, yes. Can you get the Mako here to the garage? We're on our way to Peak 15."

"Negative, Ma'am—they won't let me make the transfer to your location! They told me I have to keep the ship here until we're ready to leave for good. If you can find some other way to get to Peak 15, I'm pretty sure I can pick you guys up straight from the facility once you're done there. I can't do it twice."

Mounting pressure, guilt returning—"There is no other way… The shuttles are down, and there's no surface access up to that area. We'd have to walk through the valley at this point."

"In the middle of a blizzard?! Shepard, there's no way you're walking! You guys would freeze to death!"

Though Shepard had her back to us once more, I could tell that this last setback had thrown her.

Ashley gave her back a dark smirk, actually enjoying this rare and unusual sight of our leader's disarray.

Tali tossed her a lifeline: "Actually, Joker, there may be a way for us to make the walk safely. Could you confirm that the blizzard is only a level one environmental hazard?"

"Yeah, Tali, it showed the hazard at level one when I checked earlier. Checking again now… Still level one, with no forecasts of it jumping up any higher. And no chance of the blizzard stopping until next week or so. It's not like we can wait it out, though. The port's supposed to be on lockdown for like a month."

"Benezia will not wait for us any longer," I pointed out. "Whatever business she has out here on Peak 15 will not last forever. We must find her sooner rather than later—now, ideally."

Joker worried, "I hear ya, Liara—but I'd rather you not die a cold, horrible death chasing after your Mom out there. Unless that blue skin of yours keeps you safe from blizzards, there's no chance you'll survive."

Ashley reminded him, "Tali said there might be a way for us to pull this off. Right?"

"Yes, there is," confirmed Tali. "My suit lets me survive just fine in level one environmental hazards. Even now, I'm not cold at all. I've done this before—it will be like walking on a normal day, in regular weather. I'll be fine."

"Yeah, cool, Tali," dismissed Joker. "You gonna solo Peak 15 and find Benezia all by yourself? I guess your little combat drone could keep you company while you bleed out thanks to her asari commandos!"

"Joker, will you stop that and listen to me? Shepard has implants that help her handle extreme weather in emergency situations. This is an emergency situation. She'll be fine, too. Won't she?"

Shepard replied, "Yes… I can maintain them indefinitely for a level one hazard only."

"Okay… What about Ashley and Liara? There's no way you're pulling another rabbit out of your hat!"

Tali didn't understand. "A what out of my hat?"

"Uh, never mind…"

On cue, Shepard activated her relevant implants. Without needing to make physical contact with me this time, I felt the effects of her changes. Like a furnace, my body heated up with this new source of warmth. Much like Tali's description, I felt as if I was in a normal place, during a regular day, well without any of these extreme temperatures. I also gathered that this was only the lowest setting for these accommodations: once we reached the full blizzard outside, I could have more heat to be just fine.

Ashley didn't quite have the same freedoms: "I feel way warmer, but…" She stepped farther away from Shepard, first, and then closer to her. "Unless I'm right next to you, I can't really feel anything. It gets dimmer when there's more distance between us. Liara looks like she's fine, though."

"Then stay close to me," said Shepard, not meaning anything by it.

"Oh… Okay. I will, then…"

Joker interrupted, "Hey, hello?! Is anyone gonna fill me in on how any of this is even possible?"

"Maybe some other time," offered Tali.

Shepard used her omni-tool to input the coordinates to Peak 15. She then brought up her navigational system, showing the exact path for us to take through the valley to our destination. As an estimate for how long it would take us to arrive to the facility, the orange lettering popped up and flashed: 01h41m.

"Not bad at all," accepted Ashley. "About an hour and a half? Means we can take a nice walk together."

Tali agreed, "Yes, that should be good. It's time we put some work in after the day so far."

"Uh, am I missing something?" asked Joker, still out-of-the-loop. "And don't tell me you can't see how insane this is. The four of you walking through a blizzard, alone? Then again…" His pause spoke of his inappropriate thoughts. "Hey, Shepard… I just realized! You'll have the girls to yourself while you're out there. All three of them! Gonna find a hot spring somewhere out there for some sexy times—?"

Shepard hung up on him.

Finding her N7 helmet, she placed the protective piece over her head, needing to tuck in the length of her hair's tail through the material. She sighed over how predictable Joker was; she sighed over the day.

Ashley and I placed our helmets on as well.

Tali was already prepared to set off as she was.

Shepard then turned around to look at us, finally look at us properly, finding our shared contentment.

She appeared to want to say something—to apologize—yet she couldn't quite find the words.

Tali praised her instead: "You're still the best captain ever, Shepard—by far. The walk should be fun."

Ashley did the same: "Yeah, Skipper. We'll manage. Don't be so serious!"

And I smiled at her, watching as most of Shepard's anxieties left her face, misted and frozen away.

She then spoke what she had wished to say earlier after Tali's initial compliments in the bar:

"Thanks…"

Leading the way out of the garage, Shepard walked toward the massive gates and out to the Aleutsk Valley. We followed close behind—with Ashley only a few paces behind her—as those automatic doorways lifted in their substantial weight, opening us to the expanse of snow outside. Rising temperatures through Shepard's protective instincts: the initial snap freeze halted me only for a moment, before my body warmed back up again. Ever the same as that wonderfully thoughtful blanket of hers, wrapping me up in her consideration—bundling me up in her growing love…

Like my mother used to with her warm embraces—as her little wing—so many years ago, in nostalgia.