Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

9. Hesitation is Defeat

"Don't Be So Serious" by Low Roar (Death Stranding) / "Namir – Trailer Edit" from Deus Ex: Human Revolution / when appropriate, in between: "The End of an Era" from Mass Effect 3: Citadel

IX. Hesitation is Defeat

(Shepard)

Absolute heat as fire radiated in my stomach against full brunt of this blizzard, straight from my core, helping me to press on as I led the team across the winding valley. Lifting and lifting my combat boots through the snow, one by one, step by step, I made a path through the fair amount of weighted white in our path, creating an easier one for Ashley, Liara, and Tali to walk through behind me, directly in my footsteps. Sight obscured somewhat by my helmet, I kept one eye on the road ahead, and another on my omni-tool over my left arm that ticked on with my navigational system, showing me where to go.

Every now and then, I turned my head back, making sure that everyone was all right: Ashley right behind me, and Tali and Liara walking next to each other not too far behind her.

I could hear their footsteps through this persistent flurry of the winds and snowfall.

I needed to see them myself—needed to see them looking back at me, to know that they were there.

Higher, above all, glimmers of the sun shone through as a stretched-out star in the white-blue sky. Watching over us, that half-overcast spanned out to the rise of the Skadi Mountains in the not-so-far distance, of rock formations peaking and cresting in the shape of this tundra, this endless snow. At my sides along the edges of these vehicle-minded paths, structured lights blinked in helpful warnings for anyone driving through, showing where the road peaked off to the fall of the valley's drop below.

Deep down, deep below, the white of that unknowable expanse fogged all else into obscurity. However many unfortunate cars, or stubborn travelers had fallen through there, I couldn't know. Somehow, I felt those depths in me, as this heat continued to gather and gather far within my core, pulling at something in me…something I had never, ever felt before, after having resisted the beginnings for far too long.

I couldn't hear them, but Tali and Liara looked to be in deep conversation.

I couldn't know for certain, but Ashley seemed to be gathering up the courage to do something.

Waiting without waiting, I took stock of myself beyond these foreign feelings blooming within me. This slight tingle in my nose, this dripping of moisture down my throat, and a slight chill passing through me, even though I was perfectly warm… I should have been fine. I should have been, but I wasn't. So I decided to use my omni-tool to check my diagnostics; see what the problem was.

My immune system was at work adapting to an infection from a host of new germs.

Sniffling with this dejection, and with my heavy pulse, I accepted the obvious:

This was from Ashley, from her kissing me earlier—in real life—for the first time.

I hadn't gotten sick from my first kiss with Liara. So why this? Why now?

After the day so far, this was just what I fucking needed.

Interrupting my simmering frustrations, I spotted a notification on my omni-tool:

Request: New Private Radio Frequency (Secure – Encryption Grade: Alliance-Standard)

Requester: Ashley Madeline Williams

Reason: To talk clearly in the middle of this blizzard. To maybe use after we leave this place, if you want.

Requirements: No one else is allowed in. Only you and me. You can opt-in to show me when you're available, and when you're on the line. Opt-out when you're not in the mood to talk to me. No pressure.

Accept/Decline/Save for Later

Taking a deep breath filled with my simmering, hot enough to melt this blizzard, I accepted her request.

I made myself available on this frequency, and saw that she was on the line already, waiting for me.

I really…respected how bold she was in the face of her fears with me.

I spoke to her with that respect, "Ash, it's me."

Ashley hesitated before responding, "Hey, Shepard…"

We hadn't even exchanged more than five words so far, and already I picked up on the pros and cons of this new situation. Which were positive, which were negative—I couldn't know, I couldn't know. Yet I could at least speak to her without needing to raise my voice over the winds around us. I could speak to her as if she was right next to me, as if she occupied this space here in my helmet with me. Though this also applied to her: because I could hear her so clearly, she used a softer tone than she normally would have, tuning me into another novel frequency.

Every single breath that laced itself through Ashley's words, I could hear from her.

Every single layer of emotion that broke Ashley's voice into rasping fragments, I could feel from her.

More simmering, and more simmering, stirring this all together into new temperatures: the heat started to lift from my core up through my diaphragm, like a boiling mist that fully intended on taking me over. I could keep strengthening this dam over that mist, keep blocking its reach and its approach up to my chest—or worse—but my actions on this day had given the game away.

My distractions, my hospitality, my shortsightedness: all because I'd had Ashley on my mind, now that Liara had given me her permissions, forfeiting this game right at the moment when it started.

Ashley wanted to play by my rules, even if it meant exposing her vulnerabilities to me like this.

She would never, ever give up or concede or forfeit, even unwillingly—I knew that she wouldn't.

Her sheer nerve to be this unapologetic with me had fastened this adhesive over us, hardening.

For now, though, she needed me to keep the conversation going.

Simple and clean. "Ashley."

Those nerves of hers. "Yeah…?"

"You good?"

Sucking in a breath—"I'm… I'm okay. What about you?"

"I'm fine," I told her, feeling myself smile. "What made you decide to do this? You surprised me."

"I…wanted to talk to you. You know, without this space in the way. The blizzard all around us. I'm walking behind you; it's not like we can have a real conversation. Not like Liara and Tali back there."

Sounded practical enough. "You're allowed to walk next to me, you know."

Ashley demurred, "That isn't the best idea…"

"Why not?"

"I'd be way too tempted to hold your hand… Or to get you to hold mine. You know how one person's hand has to be over? I would…want yours over mine. And—we can't do that. I respect your boundaries."

I was lucky no one could see me smiling, more. "Sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this."

"You're always on my mind, Shepard. Everything I do, every shot I fire…you're there. All the time."

"You never get tired of thinking about me?"

"Never," replied Ashley, sincere. "Why would I? I made it pretty clear last night where things stood with me, with my feelings. Even though I said whatever came to mind, all of it was true. Besides, I'm usually not that great with words. I'm so used to—clamming up, or relying on my favorite poems instead. I can't see you liking poetry like that. So I'm trying to use my own words more. Really, really trying."

I stopped myself from scoffing. "Yeah, if you started spouting off random poetry, I wouldn't know how to react. Unless I ask you to, then that's a different story. If it's out of nowhere, then that would be…"

"Weird? Yeah, I know. I know. I've thought about this a lot, too. I'll stick to writing my own poems."

"If I'm honest, Ash, I'm surprised you like poetry at all. Your background file mentioned that you earned your undergrad degree in English Literature. Doesn't exactly fit with the rest of your perfect technical scores in handling that M7-Lancer assault rifle of yours."

"Hey, just because my technical scores were great, that doesn't mean I can't like sensitive stuff, too. What can I say? I love the classics—Tennyson, Whitman, even Shakespeare. I liked college. I liked getting to write analytic essays on the novels and poems our professors assigned to us. It was kinda stressful sometimes, fitting homework in between skirmishes and live training… But I don't regret a thing."

I remembered, "So it was just your electives that you didn't like?"

Ashley laughed with her guilt, gentle.

"I was normally fine with school. In general. I almost failed my psych elective because I was…distracted at the time. And I didn't like the class anyway. Hated my professor. Couldn't pay attention. It was mostly because I was distracted, though."

Well, if she hadn't outright failed the class, then that wasn't so bad. I'd assumed she just hadn't cared.

I asked her, "Why were you distracted?"

"This is gonna sound so stupid… It's because of my boyfriend at the time. My first boyfriend after high school, away from my parents and all of that. This was after I enlisted, while I was in Brazil for my training. I was only around nineteen years old. Psychology was too much for me back then."

"What do you mean?"

Sighing in bitter reminiscence, Ashley explained: "He was older than me. Eight years older. When we first met in a club down in Rio, I thought he was so sweet and handsome. He bought drinks for me and my friends, and we bonded over how we were both foreigners. I wasn't from the country; he was an ex-pat from Quebec. He made me laugh a lot, so we dated. Things were okay for a while—until he started showing me who he really was. Like he had been hiding it, on purpose, just to get me to stick around."

Staring up to the clearing skies, I hated this reminder of Ashley's limited view of me. This persistent brushing of the blizzard, this flurry of fury in snow: as winds only, this could have been the hurricane of me, and the same that could have hurt anyone who dared to get too close to me.

Even as I thought about this, I felt such an overwhelming dread.

Dreading Ashley seeing something that she hated in me, and running away.

Dreading her finding me as I was, and not hating me—and staying with me in acceptance instead.

But I didn't want her to think I wasn't paying attention: "You're saying he was a manipulator?"

Ashley was a bit too caught up in her anger to notice my slight delay. "Almost—he wanted to be," she clarified. "Just because he was older, and he had more money than I did, he thought he could own me. Control me. He'd try to keep tabs on me, forbid me from going out with my friends. He tried to pressure me into sex a few times. I kept telling him no—then one day, I finally left. I made up some excuse about how I was getting transferred to another base. I blocked him everywhere and never looked back."

"Why did you make up an excuse instead of breaking up with him for being an asshole?"

"Because…I was afraid he'd come after me. Or that he'd find my family and hurt them. That's how bad it was. He was obsessed. Not in a good way. I'm still mad at myself for not seeing the signs earlier."

I understood: "And the psychology class was a bad mix at the time."

"Yeah, that's an understatement."

"I'm sorry, Ashley," I expressed. "I shouldn't have lost my patience with you earlier."

Sighing again, she sounded much better. "No, it's okay. I shouldn't have let the drama affect my grades. I actually wanted to know his reasons, his thinking. There were some other things, like how he wanted me to call him 'Daddy'. Figured my regular old class wasn't going to have the answers I needed."

Such a natural thing to ask now, "You never had sex with him at all, then?"

Ashley paused, taken aback by how natural this was; how natural it was for her to say, "Only once, a few weeks after we started dating. He ate me out. But it wasn't…" She let the rest of this ease between us carry her through. "It wasn't the best. It didn't feel how I wanted it to feel. The whole time, I kept thinking about my first boyfriend from high school—how it was terrible with him, too. I hated it."

I couldn't really relate, since I'd never let anyone touch me like that before—and I had no experience with men—but I didn't want Ashley to feel uncomfortable talking to me about these things.

So I asked, "Well, aside from the bad sex, did your first boyfriend treat you any better?"

"He did, yeah. Things lasted longer with him than with my second boyfriend. We dated for like seven months in junior year. It was weird, though—he was more like a friend to me than anything. But he really liked me, and I was trying to prove to my family that I was straight at the time, so I went along with it."

"Were you attracted to him at all? Or was he only like a friend?"

Ashley laughed and told me, "He was cute… Super cute. Star of the basketball team, usually surrounded by a bunch of his other jock friends—you know, the works. I think he liked me so much because I didn't worship the ground he walked on like every other girl at school. That and he would always tell me how pretty he thought I was. I remember he really liked my lips for some reason. And I liked that he was so into me. I liked the idea of having something more with him one day. He was the responsible type."

Licking my own lips in full agreement with Ashley's ex, I probed, "Something more?"

"…you know, Shepard—marriage, kids. All of that. I could see myself settling down with him later on in life. I never told him, though. We were way too young at the time. Glad I kept my mouth shut."

"Why? Did he hurt you at some point?"

"No, not at all… I just wasn't—emotionally connected to him. Emotionally attached. That's what I meant when I said he was more like a friend. I've always had this thing with guys. No matter how attracted I am to them, there's never a real emotional connection. That ends up ruining everything else for me."

I wondered, "And I assume that's why you broke things off with him?"

"Yeah, pretty much," confirmed Ashley. "My timing could've been way better, though… I broke up with him the day after we tried to go all the way. I'd told myself that I would let him. To see how it would feel; if it would help me feel more for him. I ended up getting scared. I told him to stop. It was awkward."

Even in her silence, I sensed the strength of that awkwardness in her memory.

"Why'd you get scared?" I asked her. "What happened?"

"Um, he was… Uh, well, let's just say there was another reason why every other girl liked him so much!"

"Ashley, say the words out loud. What was the problem?"

Sounding embarrassed, she replied, "He was…huge. Like—I'm not even kidding. I was scared he wouldn't fit… That's how bad it was."

Holding back my laughter, I had to know, "…was he black, by any chance?"

Absolutely mortified over perpetuating this stereotype: "Yes…"

I couldn't help it—I started laughing, cracking up, while knowing that every single laugh I let out had only made her face redder and redder inside the stifle of her helmet. That made me laugh harder, and how shy she was, and how unexpected this was, and needing to play this off with my posture and my body shaking to not tip off Tali and Liara behind her—

"Oh, my God, Shepard, stop it!" chastised Ashley, shoving at my back, sharp with her strength. "How is this so funny? This is the first time I hear you laugh, and you're laughing at me?!" I laughed harder; she pushed at me harder, enough for me to take an extra step forward, still laughing. "Damnit, Commander, you're seriously such a jerk sometimes! Will you stop already…? Ugh!"

Feeling actual tears streaming down my face, I cleared my throat first, before saying, "Ash, I'm sorry… I wasn't laughing at you. It was unexpected, that's all."

Ashley grumbled at me. "Yeah, well, you had to say it," she reasoned. "It's not my place to say things like that. You can. I know you're mixed with black and white. I respect who you are. I'll stay in my lane."

So she really had done her research on me. "'It's not your place'. Did you learn that from him?"

"Kind of. I felt out of place whenever he brought his other black friends around. Not because I wasn't cool with them or anything—they liked spending time with me, too. There were times when they'd get too comfortable with me. They'd start throwing the N-word around while I was sitting right next to them. I knew that I wasn't allowed to say it, ever. But other than that, I never knew how to react."

"I don't use the word myself," I explained. "At most, I hear it in some of the music I listen to. So you don't have to worry about that with me. You did the right thing, though, even if it was uncomfortable."

"No, I get that I need to be uncomfortable when it comes to this. I want to keep learning. It's okay."

Another surprise from her, in the way she impressed me with her responses, her thinking on this.

And I felt the way Ashley wanted to ask me more—something more personal, about me.

She held back, uncertain.

"What is it?" I prompted her.

Then she proved me right: "Shepard, do you mind if I ask about you? About who you are, how you think. What you like, what you don't like. How you feel. Things like that."

"Go ahead," I accepted, pleased that she cared this much about me. "Ask me whatever you want."

"I'm just gonna come right out, then—did you not like me at first because you thought I hated aliens? I mean, aside from me getting caught by the beacon on Eden Prime, and how pissed you were at me for compromising the mission. When I almost made that stupid comment on the Presidium, it seemed like your whole view of me changed. Like you couldn't stand the thought of being around me."

I had to give her credit for asking the tough questions.

"Basically," I settled. "I had no patience for it—for obvious reasons. But, I figured, as long as you didn't act on it, then we wouldn't have a problem. Made it easier for me to keep my distance from you. We've moved past that, though. I don't want you to dwell on it."

"I'm not exactly dwelling on it," tried Ashley. "Not anymore. Not really. Out of everyone, I felt like you were the hardest on me. And I know what it's like to have my CO busting my ass because of my last name. I never got that vibe from you; you didn't judge me for that. I just can't help but feel like you looked for a reason, any reason not to like me. Am I crazy, Shepard, or does that sound about right?"

I didn't like the turn that this conversation had taken, so suddenly.

I didn't like this feeling of Liara's stare burning against the back of my helmet.

I turned around, checking on Ashley, on Liara, on Tali—on everyone—again making sure that they were all there, as if they'd somehow disappeared during this talk.

I turned back around, facing forward, facing this onslaught of snow and wind.

I took the brunt of it, determined to act as this shield for Ashley right behind me.

She walked with ease, directly in the path I left in my wake, reminding me of the stakes here:

Lying to her or avoiding her wasn't going to do either of us any good.

So I told Ashley the truth: "Yeah, that's right."

She couldn't believe it—"Wait a minute. Seriously?! You're admitting…that I'm right?"

"Yes, Ash," I repeated. "You're right. I chose to be hard on you. More than anyone else on the ship, I avoided you on purpose. I avoided getting to know you on a personal level. I looked for excuses not to like you. I held onto those made-up reasons like a lifeline, all to avoid this situation we're in now."

"But why, Shepard? Why'd you try so hard to avoid me like that? Is there something wrong with me?"

…

I couldn't handle my heart breaking over her questions, over the way she sounded.

I couldn't handle how much I wanted to stop everything and—hold her right now.

I couldn't handle her insane contradictions, of how she was so strong and independent, making me forget that she did need someone like me who wanted to protect her on an emotional level.

This was why—exactly why I had avoided her before.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Ashley," I reassured her. "I had to follow regulations."

"Then why were the regs so important to follow with me?" she insisted on knowing. "You found a loophole with Liara! Why couldn't you come talk to me in person—get to know me before figuring out if I'm worth it or not? Why'd you work so hard to dismiss me like that right off the bat?!"

The Williams Curse:

This was personal for her.

Any answers unrelated to the real matter at-hand weren't going to help her at all.

And Ashley had the courage—or recklessness—to be this upfront with me, this straight-up with me in her emotions, knowing that I could've hung up on her at any second if I didn't like her tone. But right now, when it mattered the most, she didn't hold back. She didn't censor herself or bow down to me.

Again, I chose to be honest with her: "Because…our rocky start aside, I already know that you're worth it." The way she went quiet: I accepted that there was no going back from this. "When we first met on Eden Prime, I sensed that there was something about you. Something that I wouldn't be able to ignore after a while. But I was too closed-off at the time. I couldn't let myself act on anything, so I pretended like I was above it all instead. That's what I do when I don't know how to cope—I avoid things. I run away."

"You didn't avoid Liara. You didn't make her feel like shit. Hell, you fucked her brains out—and not once did you stop to think about how it would make me feel! And I know you knew that I liked you! So why? Why didn't you control yourself around her like you always do with me? Why did you pick her first?!"

Even the way she was upset, and jealous, and downright hateful over this didn't turn me off.

Not one bit.

"Ashley, I thought you were straight," I justified. "I've had too many bad experiences with straight women who only thought they liked me, or who wanted me to be something I'm not—"

"—damnit, Shepard, I just came out to Tali and Liara at the bar! I'm bisexual! I was in the freaking closet because I couldn't stand the idea of disappointing my family by being myself for once! You're the one who made me realize that there's no way I can keep denying what I am! You! No one else! Until I had our dream last night? Yeah, I was questioning. That's way out the window now and you know it!"

And there went my final excuse to keep my distance from her…

If she was only questioning, or if she was still stuck in the closet, then I could have protected myself.

But now…that wasn't the case anymore.

At a loss over her warranted anger, I assuaged her, "I hear you, Ash. I understand you're pissed at me. And I'm sorry. I really am. I only wish I knew why you're this upset. You know that I never judged you because of your last name. That wasn't the case. So why is this hitting so close to home for you?"

Calming a little, but not nearly enough, Ashley told me, "Because your not-girlfriend loves rubbing this in my face. She can't stand me. She looks down on me, acting like she's so much smarter than I am, even though she's four times my age! Liara thinks she's better than me. You stroked her ego. You inflated her head, and now I have to suffer for it. And I'm not being dramatic about this, either! I have proof."

"Proof?" I asked, thrown by this. "What kind of proof? What are you talking about?"

Ashley went silent.

There was something in her non-response—how she regretted blurting all of that out.

"Ashley," I said. "Whatever this is about, you can tell me. I'll keep it to myself if that's what you need."

"I want to believe you, Shepard… I do. I just—I shouldn't have said any of that out loud. I know you care about her. I don't—I don't want to get in the middle, or ruin what the two of you have. I could never forgive myself if I did anything to hurt you, or if I somehow made you choose between us."

"You don't have to worry about that," I consoled her, knowing that I would have to choose, someday.

"But… But what if you don't believe me? What if I show you, and then you're pissed at me instead? What if you think I'm only starting drama against Liara, and…and you kick me off the team; throw me off the ship next? That'd be the end of my chance with you. My one chance to change your mind about me. I can't ruin that."

I thought back to the other night, before Feros:

When I had stayed with Ashley in her room, all because she couldn't stop crying in hatred, in her heart-broken agony.

If this was related, I could never not believe her reasons for her distress.

I turned around, making eye contact with Ashley through her helmet, the dark camouflage of her sturdy armor a stark contrast against the fluff and flurry of the whiteout around us.

Transparent shame, and fear, and hurt, and all—all wrapped in agony in the dark brown of her eyes, so wide, and beautiful, and vulnerable in her need for me to understand, and to believe her, despite the odds. And even though she was not freezing, not cold in the slightest, she wrapped her arms around herself anyway, needing that self-comfort in the midst of all her uncertainty.

"Listen to me, Ash," I spoke, directly to her, directly through to her eyes. "I need you to trust me. I know that this is related to that night when I was in your room. When you wouldn't stop crying." She forced herself not to do the same now; and so I knew that I was on the right track. "Whatever happened that night, if you need me to take this to the grave, then I will. I get that I don't have the best track record with you. I want to make this right. So please—trust me with this."

Nearly there: "Shepard, if you tell anyone, if you try to act against her… They won't believe me. They'll take her side. And even if they don't, I can't ruin their friendships with her. Everyone loves her so much because she's…the sweet and innocent one. And there's no chance I'll ever be her friend again—as if I ever was in the first place. But—I don't want this to mess with the team's morale. You know?"

"I know exactly what you mean. You have my word that this stays between us."

Unwrapping her arms from around her torso, Ashley set about searching through her omni-tool.

I turned back around, facing forward as I waited for her to send me whatever this proof was:

Ambiguous enough to be open to interpretation.

Damning enough to get in Ashley's head like this and to make her hate.

I sent her my personal email address, to avoid getting this mixed up with work.

She confirmed that she received it, and that she would use her own personal email for me as well.

"I'm about to send you a screenshot," announced Ashley. "I should explain first. We made a chat room, Team Renegade Shepard, where we pretty much talk about whatever without you there. I promise we don't talk shit about you or anything. Never that. It's supposed to be a place for us to bond and joke around. It still is, technically. But when Tali messaged me that night, something shattered—in my head, in my heart. I haven't been the same since. Talking with you like this helps me feel like myself again."

Of course—the chat that Liara had confirmed to me. Team Renegade Shepard, huh? TRS? Interesting.

"I understand," I replied. "I don't mind that you all have someplace that's separate from me. I won't tell anyone I know. So don't worry about it. Like I said, I only want to make things right."

"Okay… Then you have to promise you won't tell Liara that I sent this to you. Don't confront her over it."

"I promise, Ashley. She won't know that I know. My main concern right now is making sure you feel safe with me. That's all."

Seconds later, I spotted the email alert to my omni-tool.

From: Ashley – Proof.

Shepard,

I attached that screenshot here for you. When you read the logs, I want you to remember the timing. Remember when Liara left my room, and when Tali and Joker started messaging me. I'm scared of what this could snowball into if you told anyone. If you told her. You have to keep your promises to me.

Please, don't say anything. Liara's a valuable asset to the team… In that sense, I don't want to lose her.

I don't want to lose her, even though I'm terrified of how much she wants you to herself.

The mission has to come first. Right?

Right.

-Ashley

Attached was the single print screen she'd captured of the private messages that Tali had sent her.

Watermarked at the top: Team Renegade Shepard.

The date, the timestamps: accurate from my memory, from the time that Liara had left Ashley's room in the crew's quarters, heading back to her own room after their tense conversation.

In these private messages, Tali mentioned that she had, just seconds ago, gotten Liara's permission to share: how they'd all overheard me fucking her in her room. How they'd refused to talk about it in the main room of their chat, to avoid Ashley finding out in such a sudden and awkward way. They hadn't wanted to disrespect Liara's privacy like that, either, despite how loud she and I had been that night.

Joker had restrained himself from spamming Ashley about this godlike news until Liara gave the okay.

Up for interpretation: Liara had given them the okay, knowing that this would crush Ashley's heart.

Of course, I had advised then that Ashley should go ahead and read their messages—

Right after she had come out to me about her questioning, all but giving away that she did like me: this was how she had found out that I was already in bed with someone else…

And so of course Ashley had cried about it, raged about it. Of course something in her had broken.

And I'd heard it all.

I heard it again in my head, through those memories wracking me again, even now.

This fear in Ashley's voice, now—there was no room for interpretation whatsoever.

"Shepard…? You there?"

Suddenly, so suddenly, I tasted blood in my mouth. Not having realized I'd bitten down on my back teeth so hard, I'd caught some of the tissue of the sides of my mouth in my grip. Then it started bleeding enough, just enough for this tang to wake me up to all that I had done; and all that I had spun.

"Yes, Ashley. I'm here."

I knew Ashley as a fearless person.

Bold, daring, direct—she wouldn't let anything stand in her way.

I'd had a feeling that Liara had done this. I had denied it, needing to see the best in her. But now…

"Are you… Are you okay?" tried Ashley. "You're dead silent. You're not—mad at me, are you?"

"I'm not mad at you," I promised. "You did the right thing by showing me this. I had no idea. I'm really sorry about everything. I'm responsible for this. I shouldn't have slept with her. Again—I'm sorry."

"I appreciate that, Shepard. But you're not okay, though. You're not. I can hear it in your voice. The way you control yourself so much…it makes me worry. Like you'll explode someday."

"Come walk beside me," I told her, in fact trying not to self-destruct.

"I can't… I don't want to give her any indication that we're talking on this level. She'll know."

This was beyond fucked up.

Ashley was terrified of Liara.

Liara!

What the fuck had I done to make things turn out this way? Why couldn't I have stopped everything once I sensed those dark vibes from her? Why had I given in like that so soon? And why hadn't I stopped—not once—to consider Ashley's feelings, regardless of whether she was straight or not?

Then again, I already knew the answers to these questions. And I felt this shame over the raw truth:

I could never tell Ashley—or anyone else—that I had practically used Liara as a distraction from her.

One more time: "Hey, Skipper? Do you wanna talk this over? You're really getting me anxious here…"

"I want to answer your question from earlier," I explained. "About why I chose her first."

"Okay… Shoot."

"I felt an irresistible pull toward her. And then, she unlocked this capacity in me—she opened my doors, opening me to the way I am with you today. If she hadn't done that, then you and I would have stayed on that same path. I would have kept avoiding you; you would have kept suffering in silence."

"So, if it wasn't for her, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation right now?"

"It's very likely, yes."

Ashley saw the gains there, and yet—"And what about now, Shepard? Are you just gonna close yourself back off again? Is that even possible?"

"I'm not going anywhere," I replied. "I can't. But, for now—we still have about twenty more minutes before we get to Peak 15. I have to take this time to think things through. You and I are just fine. We'll keep this going. Slowly. It's the rest that I need to think over."

"I understand…"

I sensed her last, lingering question: "What is it, Ash? Talk to me."

"Could we, maybe, stay on the line? We don't have to say anything. I need to keep hearing you breathe, that's all… Sorry if that sounds weird or obsessive… I'm—kind of leaning on you hard right now, and…"

I felt my eyes about to pour over with this building stream, heating the inside of my helmet.

I felt the same in my face, and down to my stomach—again, rising up to my chest, or at least trying to.

I felt the way Ashley had downright magnetized to me, polar opposites as we already were.

For a fleeting moment, I feared that I was about to make the same mistakes that I had with Liara.

And yet…those fears left me as quickly as they'd arrived.

They left, and vanished, and disappeared forever, if only because I knew the truth about this, too.

"That's fine," I allowed. "We'll wait until we get to the facility before we hang up. I'll be here for you."

"Thanks, Shepard…for being so sweet and understanding. You're a lifesaver."

Ashley was the main source of my real fears, for painful reasons that went way beyond any of this.

Those fears would only manifest themselves in due time, on their own time—and not a minute before.

---

Rising high above the valley was Peak 15's tower-like structure, the white and white beaming with lights as a house to guide any travelers through this snowy hazard. Down at the base of the facility awaited the garage, which led to the greater area of the rest of the building. As more salt in the wound, there was a destroyed Grizzly vehicle right next to the open garage, burning and flaming from a total wreck.

I took off my helmet as I stepped just inside the relative dark of the garage—compared to the sheer whiteout of the valley, anyway. I set about surveying the area. Helmets removed as well, Liara and Ashley rested a few paces behind me, with the flames from the wreckage acting as a bonfire while they sat and chatted together about snow and winter in general. Tali was nearby, busy checking her omni-tool, chiming in every so often.

No apparent bad blood between the three; not a single drop of animosity in their shared conversation.

None the wiser, Liara could not sense anything from me, or from Ashley from our walk here. I was aware that she was able to before, back on the ship, and even earlier than that. Whatever that connection was, I had blocked it as soon as we started the trek out to the valley, keeping her out of my head and out of my fucking feelings. I needed to deal with this alone without her hovering, her micromanaging me.

I sensed Ashley's determination to play this game with Liara: saving face with Liara, joking around with Liara, and pretending as if she had no intentions of eventually taking me away from Liara for herself.

And I definitely respected the player, not the game.

Although, Ashley didn't need to play Liara at all. I had already made up my mind on how to handle this.

Then again, I didn't plan on telling Ash about any of that—not by a long-shot.

Cloaking to transparency, I took a look inside the garage.

Scores of asari commandos stood around in that dank darkness of the space. Holding their shotguns in-hand, they waited around there in a strangeness about them… No real life emanating from them, the commandos swayed back and forth a bit, almost like zombies in how deadened they looked and felt, even from back here. Melding in with the dark, they melted in that obscurity around them, dozens and dozens of them occupying this area as if by someone else's will, by someone else's command.

All they did was stand there with their shotguns, the black of their commando uniforms blending into their surroundings, waiting…

Checking the research facility's schematics through my omni-tool, I found a similar story throughout the rest of Peak 15—or at least this Central Station where we were at now. I picked up on at least a hundred different signatures identifying Benezia's many asari commandos, scattered throughout the whole place. She had brought an entire army with her, all to keep other people out of this complex.

I could have cloaked past them all; I could have assassinated Benezia alone and handled this by myself.

Looking back to my team speaking together in lightness, I knew that they would have been disappointed with me if I didn't bring them along. Plus, it would've been such a waste—all of us had made this hike through the valley, after all. I didn't want them to feel like it had all been for nothing.

Checking the schematics once more, I found a series of vents and beams that tunneled through the entire facility—including both Central Station and Rift Station. I mapped out a path for us to take to get us through Central Station and over to the Binary Helix labs in Rift Station where Benezia was now.

All without being seen.

I just hoped that no one was afraid of tight spaces or tall heights.

Until we could get that far, though, we would have to bust past this group here in the garage. There was no avoiding it—this was the only viable path I had. It took us through perfectly fine, but we would need to pass through the nearest elevator in order to get there.

And there was no way we could take on all of these commandos in a straight fight, so…

"Listen up," I said, uncloaking as I headed back over to the team. "I have a plan for how we're going to get through here. Benezia's currently in the Binary Helix labs over in Rift Station. We'll need to pass through Central Station, where we currently are, and take a tram over to where she is."

"Binary Helix?" asked Tali. "The genetics corporation, you mean? Why would she be in their labs?"

I explained to everyone, "Saren is a major shareholder for Binary Helix. Benezia is here on Noveria as his executor. It's no coincidence that an official team had to look into a Code Omega alert a few days ago while Benezia was already here. She must be researching something that she shouldn't be. Whatever she's doing, we need to shut it down and find out any information she may have on Saren's location."

"Sounds good, Skipper," accepted Ashley, leaving the so-called bonfire with Liara and Tali. "Her asari commandos will probably get in our way. What's the plan? Run-and-gun straight through?"

"Yeah, about that: we have a problem," I started, watching as everyone's faces fell. "But I have a solution." Lifting back up, for now—"You won't like it, though."

Liara frowned. "What do you mean, Commander?"

I gestured with my head for them to take a look inside the garage.

Together, they all peeked through for mere seconds—

Before snapping back to me, looking horrified.

Tali freaked out, "What are they all doing, standing around like that?!"

Ashley nearly shuddered. "Looks creepy as hell… It's like they're dead inside."

"So many asari commandos," worried Liara. "Why would my mother bring such an army with her…?"

I told them, "They're posted throughout the entire facility. I mapped out a path we can take through Central Station to the tram, across to Rift Station, and down to the Binary Helix labs. In order to get to the path, we'll need to break past this group first. Once we get to the nearest elevator, we'll infiltrate the building through the vents and overhead beams. We can avoid the commandos altogether."

Tali, Ashley, and Liara each stared at my omni-tool, at the glowing orange that beamed through the path I'd found with the Peak 15 schematics. They held onto that path, that beaming, accepting this unorthodox method—at least for them.

I was perfectly comfortable. In fact, compared to the hike here, this was like an amusement park for me.

I knew that they would need to rely on me if we were going to pull this off.

Internally, Ashley seemed to go back and forth—but she set that aside, looking to me for our next move.

"Now comes the part you won't like," I warned.

"Really, Shepard?" asked Tali. "You mean taking us out of our comfort zone to infiltrate this station isn't the part we won't like?"

I pointed behind me to the commandos in the garage. "We need to get past them first and over to the elevator nearby. Whatever's going on with them, they're not completely out of it. They're not as alert as they could be, either. We have the element of surprise on our side. All we need to do is create an opening and make a run for it."

Ashley knew that this wouldn't be as simple as I made it sound. "If we're not taking them all head-on, how do we pull that off?"

I asked Liara, "Do you think your biotic field could withstand the impact from one of our grenades?"

Gaping at me, she replied, "Yes, it could… What are you suggesting, Commander?"

"Your armor today is black," I pointed out. "You could pass for an asari commando—at least in the dark, like here in this garage. I want you to head inside and walk over to them. Act as a decoy. I'll cloak and stay in front of you as an extra shield in case anything goes wrong. We'll head for the center of the area and draw all of them close to us."

"Hang on, Skipper," interjected Ashley, troubled. "Are you saying you want one of us to throw a grenade at the commandos to take them out? While Liara puts up a biotic field to protect you two from the blast?"

"That's right," I confirmed.

Tali shook her head, incredulous. "You're officially insane, you know that?"

I humored her, "I'm aware, Tali."

"It could work," agreed Liara, still wary. "Should the explosion fail to take out the entire group, we will need to hurry to the elevator. There won't be much time before they decide to retaliate. I will make sure to leave up an additional, static biotic field behind us, to prevent them from following in our path."

"That's the plan," I stated. "Is everyone clear?"

"All right," said Tali. "I don't like this, but there doesn't seem to be another way."

Liara acquiesced, "Very well, Shepard. I will do my best to protect us."

Ashley masked her fears. Of course she didn't want to risk anything happening to me. Of course she didn't want to lose me. And especially not after how much had changed between us in recent times. But, for the sake of the mission, she set all of that away, giving me her trademark perseverance instead.

"Roger that, Commander," she approved. "Who's throwing the grenade, then?"

"You are, Chief," I told her, watching that mask peel off through her eyes. "Throw the grenade on my signal. As soon as you do, you and Tali will need to run. Get to the elevator: it's up the ramp on the left side, then down the hallway. Think you can handle that?"

Loyalty undying as Ashley saluted me—"Aye, aye, Sir."

I let myself smile at her, briefly.

More peeling, more reeling from her—all on the inside.

Not noticing the same, Tali handed Liara her shotgun. "Here, Liara," she said. "You won't make for a very good asari commando without one of these. This should help you blend in for a while longer."

"Thank you, Tali," accepted Liara, taking the gun in her hands. "I'll be sure to return this to you soon."

Pistol in-hand—just in case—I asked, "Liara, you ready?"

"Yes, I am ready. Lead on, Commander."

I activated my tactical cloak again.

Preparing her grenade for the most effective explosion radius, Ashley took a moment to regard this shimmer of me. Her stare gave just enough away—less of a good luck from her to me, and more of a promise that I could count on her.

For the first time in a long, long time, I felt myself genuinely trusting in someone again.

I headed through to the garage with this trust, and with Liara trusting me as she followed right behind.

This dark of the garage gave her the perfect cover, blending in with the horde of the other asari all around. In their touched silence, the commandos watched Liara nearing them, and in-turn, they neared her, wanting to see her better. Drawn to the familiar blue of her skin, the black of her outfit, and her temporary shotgun, they found nothing suspicious, merely seeing her as another one of them.

I stopped, and Liara stopped with me, her front pressed against my back.

Not quite in the center of the garage, but close enough to the ramp leading to the elevator—we would have enough space to run. And behind us, Tali and Ashley would soon have a clear path, able to get up to the ramp from their end, too.

The commandos kept shuffling closer, deadened in their movements.

From right at this spot, Liara could put up a perfect spherical field, keeping us safe and giving us just enough room to get the hell out of here.

I gave the signal via radio, "Now, Ash."

Her confirmation: "On it!"

Biotic blue breached out to the space around us, above us, reaching out as a wide sphere all around. Blocking out any of the commandos, Liara sheltered us in this field of pure defense. Blocking the grenade right as Ashley lobbed it in our direction, she protected us with such an ease. Blocking us from the spatter of flesh and violet blood from the commandos exploding, detonating on impact from Ashley's grenade, nothing reached us here.

I felt as if she'd finally unlocked the rest of her biotic potential after having held back for so long.

Holding her hand to make sure Liara kept up with me, we ran up the ramp together. She deployed another field behind us—a solid wall of see-through blue—keeping the stragglers from following us. Sprinting across this elevated area, I saw Tali and Ashley make it safely across to the hallway leading to the elevator. I had us catch up with them.

Inside the dawn's light of the elevator, I rammed my fist against the button, taking us down one level. Once I did, I took a few seconds to survey everyone. Liara looked just fine as she handed Tali her shotgun back. Tali, as well, seemed to be okay, catching her breath a little. Ashley was a little shaken, as if she couldn't believe we had pulled this off.

Liara couldn't maintain that last biotic field indefinitely, though.

And I didn't want those other commandos to catch up to us; to figure out where we had gone.

"Tali, jam the elevator," I ordered, kneeling down to open the emergency escape hatch. "Do it now!"

"Right away, Shepard!" said Tali, using her omni-tool to fry the elevator's systems.

Halfway between levels, the elevator stopped.

I pulled open the hatch, finding a ladder that continued leading down.

According to my schematics, there was a vent just nearby here that would lead us to the next location.

I went down first, finding enough footing on this thin perimeter of steel that wrapped around the elevator shaft. I gestured for the others to head through next, watching to make sure they didn't fall down to the drop below—so far down, I could only see pitch black angling out to that narrowed horizon.

As they each made it down to me, I held their hand, helping to secure them here on this slice of steeled ground underneath us. All three of them, their hands in mine, one at a time, sent sheer stimulus through me, from them. Strong from Tali, stronger from Liara. Though they couldn't compare to this last:

Ashley in particular—holding her hand was like putting my palm into an open flame without the pain.

But I couldn't let myself focus on that right now—we needed to push forward.

"Come on," I said, leading the way to the nearby vent. "We'll head through here. This will get us to an open cafeteria for the facility's workers. There should be an upper path we can take across to the next location. Keep an eye out for it."

Liara used her biotics to help her maintain her balance as we headed across. Tali and Ashley took a bit longer, needing to keep their hands pressed against the steel walls as they went. As there was surprisingly enough room to maneuver inside the vent, I went in first. Monitoring Liara, and then Tali as they crawled through just ahead of me, they had both seemed to adapt to the situation well enough.

Screeching of weight against this steel—the elevator overhead was about to fall through.

Ashley was still too far away to make it on her own.

I scrambled out from the vent and over to her.

Feather-footed and swift even with my combat boots, I pulled her along, replacing her nearly-lost balance with my own, fortifying her. Ashley fretted and cursed as I moved her with me, trying to get her to go faster. She wouldn't trust me; wouldn't trust herself. The screeching overhead growing louder, clanking in a rankling noise, like nails against a chalkboard. She couldn't focus; couldn't stop shaking with Liara and Tali screaming our names, for us to hurry, or else.

Ashley hesitated, and hesitated—until she stopped.

She froze.

I couldn't budge her.

"Ash," I hissed, pulling at her to no avail, like tugging at stone. "Ashley, come on! We have to get going!"

"I hate heights like this," she panted, shaking her head against my chest over and over. "And I hate tight spaces. I hate all of this! I hate it, Shepard, I hate it—I can't think, I can't move—"

Claustrophobic and acrophobic.

And she hadn't thought to warn me before we did this…

"Shepard—Ashley!" shouted Liara, willing herself to use her biotics to pull us into the vent. "You can't stay there! The elevator!" Her biotics kept bouncing off of our shields; the elevator cracked in another shift of its weight falling over itself, about to fall. "Ashley, snap out of it this instant and move!"

I couldn't risk us staying here any longer.

I wrapped my arms fully around Ashley's body, clamping my grip over her.

Leaning back, I pulled her along with me by my body's momentum, free-falling to the pitch black below.

Falling harder into me, Ashley burrowed her face hardest against my chest, barely stopping herself from screaming. Screaming from Liara, screaming from Tali faded the farther we fell. We had time, though. We had time, as my navigational system rerouted itself using my schematics. We had time before the elevator above gave in and crashed down.

I adjusted my hold over Ashley with this time. Hooking my arm underneath her legs, I kept my other around her back to carry her properly. Her own vice-like hold around my torso nearly suffocated me. She kept her face plastered against my chest, keeping her eyes wide shut right through to my heart. The heat of her hot breaths, her silent screaming, burned through the material of my stealth suit. I cradled the back of her head with my hand, at least, to let her know that we would be all right.

Flashing warnings from my omni-tool—this drop was too severe, and we would land soon.

I waited for as long as I could, needing this boost from our velocity, free-falling at this sheer speed.

Ashley gripped me harder, somehow, speaking just loud enough in her prayers—"God, Shepard, I'm sorry! I love you, I love you; I'm sorry for getting us killed, I'm sorry for getting us killed like this—"

Lifted by her love, I knew I had to pull this off perfectly.

More flashing from my omni-tool—red, blaring, imminent danger and death—

I had to do this now, or else.

Mechanical activation from somewhere around my lower-back, I willed for my landing system to kick in: the field from my augmentation began glowing a golden glow around me, and around Ashley here with me in my hold. In this bodily halo, an electromagnetic focus held at me, aiming at the ground. Down to that nearing snowy fall, so close, so close, the gold around us pushed against the ground, against the magnetosphere there, slowing our descent, slowing and slowing to a glide, to a gradual halt.

Slowing to a near-stop as we reached the ground, I could let my boots reach the crunch of the snow as normal, landing with the bends of my legs as my hydraulics.

Ashley relaxed her tight grip around me.

Staring around at the snow-cold steel of the base of this elevator shaft, she breathed out, "We're…still alive? We didn't die from the fall…? Shepard, how did you—?"

Screeching echoes from overhead, bulleting down—the elevator collapsed down the shaft, on its way.

Elevator doors just in front of us were closed—I would need to use my omni-tool to unseal the doors; I would have had to set Ashley down, to use both hands to pry the doors open, and then get myself out; possibly risking her getting crushed if I couldn't pick her back up in time.

Another vent near the ground, right nearby, but sealed.

Still carrying Ashley in my arms, I knelt down next to the snow, to the vent. Using my left hand just behind her head, I worked my omni-tool to burn away at the square perimeter of the metal filter. Burning, heat melting, I had to be precise. I had to follow the line. I had to concentrate while that metallic screeching from up above raced down and down, nearing. I had to block it out, block it all out.

Again, Ashley held onto me as I did this, praying, praying, and praying to God with her love for me.

Prayer, or luck, or both, or something more—I pulled the metallic barrier off, throwing it aside.

Amid that clanging, I fit Ashley's head through the vent first.

But she wouldn't let me go—she refused.

Loudening crashing, thundering from up above, I hurried to fit us both through at once.

Lunging through with the snowy ground as my friction, I slid my whole height with Ashley into the vent.

Right at the ridges of my boots, the elevator crashed down to the ground in absolute noise, destroyed.

And then, the silence of the winds passing through here; the silence of Ashley's disbelief as she held onto me holding onto her. We lay here against the cold steel for a long while. Breathing in this reality, I gave her a moment to gather herself, and to find her steady breaths again, as irregular as hers were.

In that irregularity, I could almost see what she saw, feel what she felt:

Like a lock bolting my body in place, I could resist the sensation as a mere illusion, but this mirage came from such a strong, potent place, deep within my mind. And it didn't belong to me. None of this was—only from Ashley unconsciously pushing her own perception up and through to mine, collective.

"Shepard!" cried Liara through my radio. "Shepard, are you there? Are you alive?! Please, answer me!"

No mention of Ashley, huh?

Even through her own recovering in my arms, shaking off her shock, I felt her animosity brimming.

I saw this as yet another reason to take Ash at her word.

"Ashley and I are all right, Liara," I answered. "The fall was manageable. We made it to a different vent instead. You and Tali keep going—we'll catch up to you at the tram to Rift Station."

Unbelieving, Tali asked, "But Shepard, how did you and Ashley survive?! That's insane!"

"During our briefing before Feros, I told you already," I reminded everyone—Ashley included. "I have other implants. I mentioned an Icarus Landing System augmentation. It helps me survive falls from almost any height. Within reason, anyway. Remember?"

"Oh, right," recalled Tali. "You did mention that… And I'm guessing it worked for Ashley, too."

"Yes, it did," I confirmed. "She'll be fine once the shock wears off."

"I believe you. I just… Ashley, could you say something for me? Anything? I need to know you're there…"

Ashley forced herself to mumble against my chest, "I'm here, Tali… Shepard saved me. I'll… I'll be fine."

"That's a relief… We were so worried! I'm glad you're both okay."

Matter-of-fact, Liara continued on, "Shepard, where do we go from here? We've arrived above what looks to be the cafeteria you mentioned. There is a beam we can cross near the ceiling. Given the number of geth down below, we will have to cross over."

"There are geth in there?" I questioned, checking my omni-tool for signatures. "This is recent… I didn't pick up any of them on my radar once we got here. Must have been what Benezia had in those crates." Checking the original path once more, I gave directions: "Support each other across the beam. When you make it to the other side, there will be another vent. Head right and there should be an elevator. Go down one floor, and you'll arrive to the facility's VI core. You'll be relatively close to the tram."

"Understood, Commander. Are you reading any hostile signatures in the VI core?"

"None—you should be fine. Let me know once you get to the core. I'll guide you from there."

Tali wondered, "How long do you think it will take you and Ashley to catch up to us?"

Checking the rerouted path again, I realized: we couldn't go through any other vents, or risk crossing too many elevated areas. If Ashley locked up again, we might not have been able to pull off the same thing twice. I couldn't put her in harm's way like that, now that I knew her pressure points.

I rerouted the path one more time, specifying what I wanted to avoid.

Beyond this current vent, there were no others, and only one long beam over a stressful drop.

Only having to deal with one occurrence was better than slogging through multiple of them.

My omni-tool showed our estimated arrival, but I still needed to factor in Ashley's current state of mind.

"About an hour or so," I lied, even as the estimate showed only twenty minutes. "We'll need to cloak together and sneak past more groups of those commandos. It's a long way back up to you."

"I see," worried Tali. "I guess we won't have any choice but to wait for you at the tram. If we tried to reach you, we would likely run into more enemies. We shouldn't waste time fighting in that case."

"Agreed. Now get going. I'll wait to hear from you once you make it to the VI core. Shepard out."

As soon as the call ended, Ashley's earlier animosity left her, dissolving to this limited space.

Frustrated with herself as she was, I sensed that she at least wanted to talk to me.

Spotting an opening up from where we were, I decided to get us over there. I knew that Ashley still couldn't move. Not on her own. So I got on my knees, pulling her closer into my hold, enough to move with her just like this, one shuffle at a time. She breathed harder against my chest, listening to me. And I pushed away these memories I had of Liara, of having done the same for her before, out in arid heat.

Reaching a comparatively open space, this was much better. Here at this height above the elevator doors, the ice-hardened glass showed a path that burrowed right through the mountain, leading down elsewhere to another lab. Snow coated the path from that burrow, and over to the elevator, along with the nearby power generator just below us, just below the glass.

Even if someone were to pass through here, the jagged edges of ice through this glass would obscure Ashley and me from view. I sat her down against the wall of metal, and then took my own seat right next to her. We could stay here for a while.

Except this chill almost cut at me. The cold fog of breath that Ashley let out was enough to make me activate my emergency heating for her, for the both of us. She only shivered once before warming right back up, her breaths still as a vapor, as mine were, of heat continuing to blow against the freeze.

I asked her, "You all right?"

Quiet, Ashley responded, "Getting there… Still can't believe you pulled that off. You really are a lifesaver…" She spotted my omni-tool showing our actual estimated arrival time. "I thought you said it would take us an hour to catch up to them. Why does your program only say twenty minutes…?"

"I lied. You need some time to pull yourself together. I didn't tell them because I know you're embarrassed about what happened. Saying something would've made things worse for you—"

So deep in love with my consideration, Ashley rushed her mouth over mine. Searing me open and scorching at my control, she pushed at me, pushed into me in this desperation she couldn't stand, but couldn't resist anymore. As this adoring assault against my senses, she straddled my waist, the rigidness of her armor pressing down on the fabric of my stealth suit. And I gripped her hips without thinking, only-too-late realizing it once she sucked in a gasp through my mouth, moving into me more.

Luscious, firm fullness of her lips against mine, the way Ashley fit into me was so fucking perfect—exactly as she had last night, and earlier this morning—so much so that I couldn't stand it. Agonizing temperature in my chest: every thick press of her tongue against mine, every slow, succulent snap of her lips over mine and nearly on my teeth—her passions burned me like no other, making me ache so badly.

And this taste of her mouth, of thin wetness mixed with mine—Ashley's flavor of hormones, her gently-salivated skin reminded me of ice water, somehow. Dousing me in the remembrance of much colder ice, the eternal heat and comfort of her irresistible lips set me right back on fire, over and over again.

Doing this with Liara had incinerated me as a single action, as something to end and then set aside.

Doing this with Ashley had thrown me in the incinerator and slammed the door shut, burning me alive—

I had to pull away.

I had to turn my head away.

I needed to inhale the freeze of the air around us.

Every breath of white mist I let out may as well have been black smoke from my insides set on fire like this, eternal and unending, even as Ashley kept straddling at me, staring at me.

If I met that stare of hers, I already knew what I would do.

Ashley touched my heated face, stroking this red camouflaged through my complexion.

Even with her hand gloved and armored like this, I still felt her as skin-on-skin, so indulgent.

Ashley brought her lips right next to the clench of my jaw, whispering in wintry gentleness, "I think…you just gave yourself away, Shepard. Never thought I'd see the day when you'd give me so much of yourself. You must like it when a girl catches you off-guard… For once." Lowering her hand to my neck, my pulse, she smirked at this drumming against her, laughing in girlish mischief. "Mmm, you totally gave yourself away! No clue why you're acting so shy, though. What are you embarrassed about?"

I could run from her for days, for weeks, for months or more—and this sheer energy and entropy wouldn't have left me.

Or I could have stayed, giving into this temptation, this near-reflex to grin, to smile at Ashley over how happy she was. And that I was the one who had made her this happy, this carefree, so child-like.

I couldn't tell her that.

I couldn't say the words.

She already knew, anyway:

Thermodynamic, raging firestorms—everything combusted more and more when Ashley laughed again, easing her smile against my neck. Breathing me in, she hummed in a low, sexy sound of satisfaction. Her lips, again, she clasped over the sweating skin of my neck, her tongue tasting me, salt and nerves and grime and all. In her delicate pressing, moaning against me at this taste of the day, this taste of the mission on me, she moved her hand down to my chest, to my heart. She felt the same drumming there, harder this time—primed to burst out of my bones into her hand if it would have stopped this pain.

"Hey," murmured Ashley, holding my face now. "Look at me, Shepard. Talk to me for a bit before we have to go." Moving with her guidance, I faced her again, but couldn't meet her eyes. "You hold so much inside. I wish you'd share it with me. Besides, we both could've died back there… So, at least…tell me a little about how you feel for me. Give me something to hold on to. Please?"

"Something…about how I feel for you," I reiterated, needing to make sure my voice still worked.

Ashley smiled again, so beautiful. "Yeah, anything at all. I wanna know."

I struggled so hard to hold on to these last scraps of this dam over my heart.

"Honestly, Ash, it's a lot to handle… It's a lot to describe. If I had to sum it up, then it's…like an onslaught. A fire. An onslaught of fire on my emotions, burning me at all times. This hurts—so much."

"I know, right?" she agreed. "Like it could melt the ice around us. It's the same for me, too. With you."

"It's…overwhelming," I anguished. "And it goes against what I said earlier, about taking this slow."

Ashley got the hint. "That's true," she noticed. "Guess I'm not helping, huh?" She moved herself from my waist, sitting next to me, right next to me instead. "Sorry, Skipper." Resting her head against my shoulder, she sighed. "I promise I won't be that forward with you again. Not in-person, anyway… And not unless you want me to be. Considering what almost happened, I kind of lost myself there."

"Don't worry about it," I accepted. "You were perfectly justified."

"Justified…doing the right thing," she mused. "You're way less impulsive than I am, that's for sure. As soon as I see an opening, I take it. It's hard to make myself wait. But I can be patient for you…"

I sensed that she had more on her mind. "What is it?"

"Why do you need to take things slow with me?"

I couldn't blame her for asking that.

I explained, "I get what you're thinking, Ash. The fact of the matter is, I moved too quickly with Liara. I gave in to her and made concessions that I shouldn't have. Thinking back on it, I'm not sure that I got involved with her for the right reasons. There's a lot I forced myself not to face over this past month."

Ashley asked in concern, "What do you mean?"

More of what I'd suppressed:

"I tend to stick to women who like me way more than I like them. Makes it easier to feel like they won't leave if I get in too deep. Even if it means they obsess over me to the point of turning me off, that's what I'm used to. It's what I know. It's what I'm comfortable with. I found that same comfort in her without realizing it. And then you came along, pulling me right out of my comfort zone. You stopped me from falling into that old familiarity any more than I already had."

"But Shepard, don't you think…?"

"That you like me way more than I like you," I finished for her.

"Well…yeah," she whispered. "What else could it be, if not that? I've… I've loved you for five years now."

"I'm not comfortable with you, Ashley," I clarified, so moved by her. "That's the major difference."

"You mean Liara doesn't challenge you at all? Not one bit?"

"She challenged me when she opened these doors in my heart. But now that I'm starting to see her for who she is, I don't like it. I hate how much she hurt you. I despise it; I can't fucking stand it."

"It's that serious for you?" wondered Ashley, in genuine curiosity. "How come?"

"Injustice is a deal-breaker for me," I stated. "Not just about crime. I hate when someone thinks they're better than others, or when they look down on people because of their damned egos. Anything could happen. There are no guarantees. We could lose our status, our power at any minute—and then the people we looked down on would have every excuse to treat us the same way. That's no way to live."

She knew, "And even when you are mean, or if you take extremes, you're always justified…"

"Pretty much," I said. "If someone needs to make the tough choices, be controversial—fine. They should take decisive action. But if it's not justified, then fuck it. It's never worth it for petty bullshit like this."

Ashley wanted to keep rationalizing, to understand me—"Even though she didn't do this to you, it still makes you mad? It still pisses you off? You'd turn on Liara at the drop of a dime like this—over me?"

"Ashley, it's because I'm able to turn on her that I'm choosing to do it now. If I couldn't do it, then I would be stuck on her. And if I was stuck on her, I wouldn't feel this way about you. The idea of being stuck on someone like that—not being able to shut my feelings off and walk away… It stresses me out."

And then she did understand: "No wonder you're so guarded… You are just trying to protect yourself."

"It's too late to keep protecting myself from you," I explained. "That ship has sailed by now."

"Then, aside from the regulations, why won't you give your heart to me? Why do you hold back? Or is this just about taking things slow, to help you make sure that this is right?"

In choosing to be this considerate, I had given her some of my heart.

And I already knew that this was right—that Ashley was worth it.

But I couldn't keep making the same old mistakes with the women in my life.

Now was the time for me to change my ways—otherwise, nothing would change.

"Ashley, it's not that simple," I insisted. "I care for you. More than I can express right now. This isn't about changing my mind on whether I want you or not. I need to see if you and I speak the same language on a mental level, on an emotional one. And if we don't, can we get along? Could we trust each other and work things out? That's what I don't know yet. That's what I need to take my time with."

Embracing me in her gentle joy, in her relief, Ashley smiled against my shoulder.

"I completely understand," she conveyed, sincere in her approval. "I'll be honest—I'm used to dealing with dumb drama from other people. And I guess I'm drama sometimes… But I love that you're so thoughtful and mature about this, Shepard. I want to follow your lead. I will. I just hope you won't get turned off by me at some point. I mean, we're pretty much polar opposites in terms of our personalities. Like, I'm way more of a hothead than you are—and I can really have my moments…"

"Be yourself with me. Follow my lead, and go at my pace—but I want to see you for you, Ash. You're so bold and outgoing. Full of life. It's part of why I like you this much. Don't ever compromise who you are."

The warm tenderness of her smile, Ashley settled against my face, holding me tighter in her arms.

"You're one of a kind, you know," she breathed next to my ear. "Thanks—for everything…"

Even the way she didn't mind my reticence, how I couldn't return her touch, her affections right at this moment—all of it made me melt into her, not wanting this moment to end. And she still made me smile.

Then again, we had to push forward with the mission eventually.

Such a reminder Tali gave us when she called, "Shepard, are you and Ashley still there? Sorry we took a while to give you an update. We ran into a few problems, but we're all right now."

"I understand, Tali," I replied, glad that Ashley chose to stay on me for this. "What happened, exactly?"

"Well, when we arrived to the VI core, we found several large…insect-like corpses lying around. Liara thinks they might be rachni. That could be what her mother has been up here experimenting with. I suppose you wouldn't have picked them up on your radar, since they're all dead."

Checking my omni-tool again, I confirmed, "Yeah, I'm not seeing anything about rachni, or even any unknown, uncatalogued signature types. The rachni, though…? I thought they all went extinct during the Krogan Rebellions hundreds of years back. There's no way any of them should still be around for Benezia to experiment on at all."

"I know, it's very strange. We couldn't look around at first because the other rooms leading out of the VI core were blocked off. So we had to waste a bunch of time getting the VI back online, and following its instructions to help repair the station. We can continue on now if you have those next directions for us."

"Good—let me pull them up," I said, taking a look. "Right, so you want to head to the decontamination chamber next. If you're facing the elevator where you came from, with your back to the actual VI core, it's the door on the right. Pass through there and you should find the tram not too far down."

"Oh, I see it!" replied Tali. "Yes, this is the correct door. Liara and I will head through to the decontamination chamber, then. We'll wait for you and Ashley at the tram once we get there."

"Understood."

As we ended the call, Ashley sighed, separating herself from me.

I wished we could have stayed here longer, too.

But we had to get moving.

"We only have to crawl through to the exit nearby," I guided. "It's by the elevator—or the doors, anyway. Then we'll jump down and head to the next area. Will you be okay—about this vent?"

"I'll manage, Skipper," replied Ashley, shifting gears with ease. "Lead the way. I'll follow you."

Following this new path, I moved past these windows, through to the connecting vent. I passed through and around the corner, finding one last filter to move out of the way. I could hear Ashley's quickened breathing reverberating off of the metal around us—quickened, but manageable, as she'd said. I felt her putting more trust in me, allowing that to see her through.

Once I made it to the filter at the end of this vent, I situated myself around, kicking at the metal. Kicking it off and out, the steel fell down to the snow below. I checked behind me to make sure that Ashley had caught up. Seeing her rounding the corner, I jumped down to the ground, the weight of my combat boots breaking the blow of my fall well enough, without me needing to bend my legs too much.

Not quite confident enough to do the same, Ashley fit her legs through the opening first. She had plenty of room to angle her head out as well, the bend of her body still sitting in the vent itself.

I reached up to her armored legs, locking them together as I pulled her down.

Supporting her more around her back, I held Ashley in place, lifting her down as I bent my legs this time, lowering her reinforced boots to the snow. She kept her hand just over my back, over my shoulders, both to support herself and to thank me—all in a way I found so…soothing and validating.

Standing anew with her, I enjoyed her smile, even with this question on my face about her phobias.

"Yeah, about that," began Ashley, still smiling. "I got up to some dumb trouble when I was a kid. Imagine me as a tomboy roughing around in a space station where I wasn't supposed to be. I got stuck somewhere up high, in a cramped space. I couldn't move. All I could do was scream and stare down at that long drop. My Dad had to come and get me. He wouldn't let me hear the end of it for months."

"I can see you getting into that kind of trouble," I told her, light enough. "Thanks for sharing with me."

Ashley smiled more. "You bet," she replied. "Well, I'm ready. Let's do this."

She was about to pull out her trusty Lancer assault rifle, out of pure habit.

I stopped her with the reminder: "You don't need that, Ash. Not yet. We're still doing this my way—at least until we get to the tram. Save it for now."

Like setting away another one of her limbs, Ashley holstered her rifle over her back.

I held out my hand to her.

Trusting me again, and smiling again, Ashley let me hold her hand, situating mine over hers, fingers interlaced through these blockings of our respective choices of wear.

Cloaking with her, we headed out together, over to the next room.

This supply line raised upward across several floors, with a long staircase along the edge of the room. More of those asari commandos stalked around the space, deadened in their movements; searching for everything and nothing at all. In their stupors, it made it that much easier for me to lead Ashley up to those stairs, avoiding the hostiles in our way. She kept up with me with ease, not thinking twice as I led her; as if she could have closed her eyes and walked, without stopping in fear or uncertainty, not once.

Even as we nearly breathed on some of these commandos to walk around them, Ashley didn't hesitate.

She stayed with me, having learned her lesson from earlier: to stop doubting me, now, finally—now that I was able to be this for her, after spending so much time resisting it before.

And I knew—that if it ever came down to it, and we were in a straight-up gunfight where I couldn't escape on my own, I could see myself trusting her to push through. She had a lot of unused potential, too, now that I noticed. Hopefully, it wouldn't have gone unused for too much longer.

But by the time we made it to this final obstacle just near the VI core—a long beam passing over several fuel tanks, and an even longer drop below to a few open flames—I expected us to have another setback.

Uncloaked with me now, Ashley looked to me with her anticipation.

She waited for me to lead her.

The flame-coloring of this atmosphere around us, I glanced up first to the catwalks and pathways above. It would've been a lot simpler if we could've gotten up there instead. But in taking the most direct path as we could, getting up to that area was impossible at the moment. We needed to get across this beam, and then find another ramp that would get us to a back entrance to the decontamination chamber.

This beam, though: it was barely wide enough for Ashley and me to walk across side-by-side if I decided.

Or, in the worst-case scenario, I could have carried her if it really came down to that.

Not wanting to doubt her capabilities, I thought of something else instead.

Climbing up to this new footing, I found that it was sturdy enough to cross.

And if it wasn't, I could at least angle our descent to avoid those open flames on the other side.

I spotted Ashley staring off at those fires, likely thinking the same thing.

"Come on," I said to her, holding my hand out. "I'll support you across. It's not as far as it seems."

Ashley accepted my help, letting me pull her up with me.

Right before her breathing changed, I locked my hands around her hips, guiding her along. I wanted her in front of me. She moved with my wanting, walking ahead first as I stayed here behind her. Like that leap of faith I had taken with her, Ashley chose to move in a similar trance of instinct and intuition.

Leaning her back against my front, she continued across this beam. That sharp drop below, the hissing of the fuel tanks, and the billow of the embers in our periphery: Ashley was fully aware of everything around us, and the risks below us, yet she pressed on in that awareness. If not for the quavers of her breathing, and the sheer grip of her hands over mine—still over her hips, reinforcing her balance—I wouldn't have known how she felt about this at all.

Only one hang-up—

I felt myself about to sneeze, still plagued by this damned cold.

Somehow, I pulled it back, swallowing this uncomfortable dripping down my throat, before sniffling, and unintentionally smelling Ashley's dark hair: how it smelled of the icy metal we had sat against earlier.

Ashley found the fortitude to ask me, "You okay…?"

"I'm all right," I reassured her. She leaned back against me, more. "I've got you, Ash. Almost there."

Relaxing as much as she could—relatively speaking—Ashley welcomed my words into her heart, continuing on and on.

All the while, I couldn't help feeling struck by how this felt like it was…meant to be.

All of this.

Everything.

Reaching the other side, Ashley jumped down to the metal walkway there.

As soon as she found her footing again, I jumped down with her.

I knew that she didn't necessarily need my praise. Still, I at least smiled, holding her hand anew.

Ashley beamed at me with her relief that we had made it across, accepting my hold once more.

Cloaking one last time—for now, in our incredible solitude—I led her up this ramp, up to the decontamination chamber, and back up to the reality of the mission, of the situation we now faced.

Regardless of whether Ashley and I both stayed quiet about this, the others were bound to find out.

Even if we said nothing, I already knew—and expected—that they would all feel this change between us, and wonder accordingly. Because as much as I struggled to contain this fire in me that Ashley had started, it would be twice as bad now, now that the rest of the team could intuit these ravaging flames.

I decided not to fight that inevitability.

I decided to focus on keeping my promises to Ashley, and to say nothing of the rest.

Whatever anyone else assumed…as long as it didn't end up hurting her, then I could live with this.

---

Letting go of Ashley's hand to put my figurative mask back on: this was more difficult than I'd expected. I should have expected this difficulty, though. This was one of the many reasons why I had kept my distance from her for so long. Because even though she knew not to be disappointed over this unlocking, from me taking my hand from hers, I felt her continued longing for my touch anyway. And she walked beside me with that longing, wearing it proud as her own type of mask, knowing that no one would have been able to discern what it really was.

At least for the time being.

At the tram, stationed in waiting as an extension of this facility's perpetual metallic blue, Tali and Liara stood up from where they had sat nearby. It didn't look like their conversation had been too deep, unlike the one they'd shared during the hike through the blizzard. And it didn't look like either of them suspected anything as they walked over to us, intercepting our path to the tram itself.

Liara wanted to smile at me.

I wouldn't look at her, too focused on getting to the tram doors nearby.

"There you are!" said Tali. "It's good to see you both in one piece."

Mmm.

Ashley went over to Tali first. "Good to see you, too," she replied. "Sorry about earlier. Wasn't exactly my best moment… I should've told you guys I can't stand heights. Or tight spaces. That was my bad."

Opening the tram doors, I gestured for everyone to head inside.

They did so, still speaking; still trying to make eye contact with me.

"Of course you wouldn't mention it," reasoned Tali, knowing better. "Why make yourself vulnerable like that when you can keep your pride instead? And nearly get yourself killed in the process! That's the Ashley I know. I'm not surprised in the slightest."

"Gee, thanks," quipped Ashley. "I get what you're saying, though… I'll speak up when I need to."

"Ah, no, that won't be necessary. I enjoy almost having a heart attack from watching you and Shepard fall to your almost-deaths. Really. This should happen again."

Ashley laughed, taking a seat. "Okay, Tali, now you're pushing it," she warned in good-humor. "You're traumatized. I know. I hear you. I promise I'll be absolutely open with you from now on. Deal?"

"Deal," accepted Tali, sitting across from her. "How are you feeling, then? You seem to be all right."

Liara sat down next to Tali, again angling her eyesight to somehow meet mine.

As good luck, or bad luck—I didn't know which—I felt myself about to sneeze again.

That rushing collection of scratching energy through my throat, my nose, making me heave.

I couldn't stop it this time—I angled my body out from the tram, sneezing off to the side, wracking me.

Tali and Liara both giggled over the suddenness, the surprise.

"Bless you!" said Ashley, grinning as I sat down next to her, nearest to the doors. "Catching a cold, Skipper? Thought you were safe from the blizzard outside. Did you get sick anyway?"

"Something like that," I grumbled.

Only once the tram began to take off in smoothness did Liara and Tali manage to calm down. Their joyful amusement persisted, though, along with Ashley's, helping to make this ride less awkward than I had originally prepared for. Still, we had ten minutes before we would arrive to Rift Station, needing to sit in this relative dark of the cobalt blue around us. As chill and comforting as this place was, I knew better:

I prepared myself for more to change within these next ten minutes.

But maybe that was cynical of me.

Tali and Ashley carried on a conversation about something else, not willing to tease me over my cold.

Liara chimed in every so often.

I had lifted the weight of my boot over my knee—instead of crossing my legs altogether like Ashley did next to me, so feminine—needing to stretch a bit like this. Even so, our legs managed to touch anyway. Her thigh closest to mine felt as a prop, or a pillow, helping me to stay as I was. This was all we could do in subtlety. And so I lounged my arm out, opposite her, across the top of the length of this seat. Already I imagined her here on this other side, replacing the seat with her shoulders instead.

Sheer vigor coursing through my veins—I needed to touch her.

I rested the back of my head against this seat, staring up at the ceiling of the tram; wondering how Ashley sounded when the sex was good. By the texture of her voice, I could almost hear her clearly.

As she shifted, I sensed Ashley thinking the same, about me—on top of her, pleasing her non-stop.

Tali hummed, checking her omni-tool. "Is it just me, or is it rather warm in here? I could have sworn I had my internal temperature set appropriately for this station. I'll need to adjust it again at this rate."

"Yes, it is quite humid," agreed Liara, looking around. "Could there be a heater on nearby?"

"More than likely," accepted Tali. "Perhaps it's here as a convenience. Though I can't help but feel it hasn't been set up properly. This is definitely humid, not warm. Like there's an old furnace in here."

Quiet enough for only me to hear, Ashley let out the softest of sighs, sounding so very pleased with me.

This sudden, humid pressure in my chest and in my head was about to make me explode.

Tali stood up. "Okay, this is strange," she worried, the orange of her omni-tool glowing in this partial dark. "I'm going to investigate. Something may be broken." Scanning around the area, she took her time, looking everywhere except over here. "I'm actually not finding any sources of heat… Hmm."

"I believe we will be fine, Tali," advised Liara, not entirely convinced. "Should anything begin to malfunction, it will have to reveal itself to your scans. I suppose we won't need to worry…for now."

Glancing over at how apparently relaxed I was, Tali mentioned, "Well, Shepard looks comfortable enough. Ashley, are you warm at all?"

Ashley obfuscated in a fine, lovely tone, "Mmm, yeah, kinda… I'm okay, though. In case something does break, I trust you to be our handy-dandy mechanic."

Tali laughed as she sat back down. "Handy-dandy," she repeated in mirth. "You and your silly sayings…"

As the tram neared Rift Station, I managed to pull myself together, enough to study our approach.

Once more with my omni-tool, I mapped out the best way to reach the Binary Helix lab where Benezia was. I found that I could crawl through a series of vents, wrapping around to a place in the lab with a good enough vantage point. Depending on Benezia's physical location in the room, I could assassinate her with my sniper rifle as I had bargained on earlier. There appeared to be a large, tank-like structure in the center of the lab, elevated and in the way from the far side.

If Benezia was over there, I wouldn't have been able to make the shot.

Banking on Benezia being over there, I searched for an alternate route for the others to take on-foot.

Ashley watched my progress all the while, the orange light coating her eyes in a striking dawn-like glow.

Having her attention on my work like this made it easier for me to concentrate, and to do my best.

Locating a suitable path—the only path—there looked to be several other signatures, all of them packed along the med bay, the security rooms. Humans, turians, drones. Maybe some type of security force. If they were with Benezia, then they wouldn't just let my team walk straight through without a fight.

In that case, it was time for Ashley to redeem herself.

Tali noticed that I'd finished with this, asking, "Have a plan for our approach, Shepard?"

"Yes," I replied. "It'll be straightforward enough for the three of you. After we leave the tram, we'll head down for a bit until we find some elevators. One leads down to the med bay area and security. Take that one and head straight through. You'll find a sign above the Binary Helix labs. Benezia's waiting in there."

Liara needed to know, "Where will you be, then, if not with us?"

I responded, "Taking the long way through the vents. I'm aware that your mother's a powerful biotic. I get the sense that her barriers will complicate things in a straight-up fight. Plus, she's bound to have more of those commandos and geth at her disposal. So I'm heading to a vantage point in the lab. There's a location where the vents connect just right. I'll have room to go prone with my rifle and shoot there."

"Doing things your way, Skipper?" noted Ashley, smiling.

"You'll get to do things your way, too," I told her. "There will be several security guards and drones posted in your path. You'll need to push through them. I want you to take point, Ash. Lead the charge and get Tali and Liara to the lab with you. Once you're there, expect Benezia's army to be out in force."

Ashley sat up straight, complying, "Aye, aye, Sir!"

"Good. Keep your radio on so I can listen to your progress. Now let's get out here and get this done."

Once the tram finally stopped, the four of us headed out together.

Arriving to those elevators—one leading to the med bay, and another to the hot labs—Tali and Liara headed to the correct one.

I expected Liara to at least look back at me.

She chose not to, or she forgot to do it.

Ashley kept eye contact with me, unwavering. Stealth in these seconds, she knew we had only so much time to do this before she fell behind; before the others found us here like this. She gave me her determination during these seconds, though I sensed she needed me to give her something as well.

Something that I had never given anyone before.

I had only given mere imitations of this for expediency's sake—to make sure someone got the job done.

Not an imitation, and not for expediency: I truly wanted Ash to see that I believed in her.

Bolstering her determination, I told her, "Fight hard, Ashley. I'm counting on you."

Bolstered, absolutely, Ashley nodded to me. "Will do, Commander! See you on the other side."

We broke away—her to the elevator, me to the nearby vent—with our exchange lingering in our wake.

And now, as I crawled through these vents, knowing that I had a ways ahead of me, I felt the change in me. I felt it more as I listened to Ashley and the others through my radio—how they fought their way through the waves of security guards and drones in their way. I felt it again each time Ashley shouted out orders over the sounds of their gunfire and Liara's biotics—tactical orders for Tali to hack the drones in their way, general orders for Tali and Liara to hang back while she created an opening for them.

This wasn't an ordinary mission anymore.

Get in, get out, and get the job done—that was long-gone now.

The fire that Ashley had started in me extended to this, too. Not just my emotions, with her. Not just with the way she could make me feel. A new involuntary process, reviving old systems in me that had long-since been cut off for my own self-preservation: that was what this fire had turned back on, reminding me that my life had more meaning these days.

Becoming a Spectre had notified me of those offline systems.

This mission, these surprises from today had powered them up again.

I moved with that power, finding even more concentration, and more determination of my own.

Tali gave me an update over the sounds of continued gunfire, "Shepard, we've made it right outside the lab! Ashley and Liara are pushing back against another wave of security guards. I can get us through the door, but I'll need to seal it behind us to keep the guards out. Have you made it to the vantage point?"

"Not yet. Get through that door and seal it behind you. Go ahead and confront Benezia. See if she's willing to talk first. If she won't cooperate, you know what to do."

"Understood. I'm getting the door open now!"

Continuing on through these near-endless vents, I knew I had a ways to go. The vantage point wasn't a straight shot from where I was before. On purpose, probably, the path wrapped me around to other locations before getting me into the actual lab itself. And even then, it was on the wrong side.

But this was better than getting shot at by dozens of geth and commandos, and with nowhere to run.

Sometimes, like now, I wished I had gone into a more direct specialization. I did feel a little cowardly, hiding and scurrying around like this, while not being able to protect my team like a 'real' leader. I had to rely on someone like Ashley who could put up a fight to the enemy's face, even though she was completely out of her element here in my world.

Not just polar opposites in our personalities, then.

Once the gunfire stopped from their end, I knew that Tali had gotten everyone through to the lab.

And then I heard a woman's voice: raised, commanding, confident. A leader's voice. An orator's voice.

That had to be Liara's mother.

"And now you have finally arrived," said Benezia, almost mocking. "The time has come for us to end this—even with your temporary, lesser leader… Though perhaps this will make for a fine test of her mental capabilities. Have you faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have."

"Watch it," warned Ashley. "This human can still mess you up. Keep trying me—see where it gets you."

Benezia ignored her threats, speaking on, "Where is your commander, then? Is she wasting her time in the shadows, hiding away from the inevitable? Whatever she plans to do will not work. You must realize the discrepancy between us—how it is impossible for anyone to penetrate Saren's will. He will succeed in his endeavors, no matter your useless attempts to stand in his way."

Liara chose to plead with her, "Mother, you must stop this… You are not yourself! Though we left much unspoken over the years, I still know you. This is nothing like you! Why do you follow Saren? Why have you allowed him to twist you into this person I no longer recognize? You have become so misguided…"

"Misguided? My sweet daughter, it is you who is the misguided one. You hold such power, and yet you have chosen to squander it in your trivial weaknesses. Had you surrendered on Therum, you could have found your true calling at Saren's side. You and I could have found our peace together at long last. Now you are bound to be usurped by a lesser tool. You have only yourself to blame. How unfortunate."

"Power? Tool…?" questioned Liara. "You speak in such riddles. What do you believe I have squandered? What exactly do you mean?"

Benezia derided her, "It is no longer of any importance. You have already wasted your potential. Soon it will be too late to recapture your power. And when you realize the only path to greatness, you will hesitate. You will hold back. You will allow your fears to shackle you. The tool will become the greater glory. And you will become a footnote, an asterisk in history—just as any deviant ought to be."

"A deviant… Is that how you see me? After all these years, you still don't understand. You know nothing about me… Just as these lofty claims of yours make no sense, you will never know me as I am!"

"I am your mother, Liara. I am all-knowing. I am all-seeing in these matters of your mind, your heart. Your darkness festers in you, unused and unrecognized. I chose to punish you for your dark ways. In so doing, I shattered you to these wondrous heights—heights that you now refuse to soar. You will only be bested at this rate. It is…ill-fated. Somewhere, my heart breaks for you. But your path is decided…"

Echoing flare of Benezia's powerful biotics, and the weighty clicks of my team readying their weapons—

"It is now my duty to save you from breaking any further! You must die—by my hand!"

Liara's exertions, how she worked so hard to protect Tali and Ashley behind her—she should have fallen to Benezia's biotic blasts, shooting at her over and over again. No matter how powerful Liara had become lately, she still should have fallen. She should have been dead on arrival against an asari matriarch, and an indoctrinated one who refused to hold back, even against her own daughter.

If Liara didn't know her mother so well—enough to predict her powers, to understand her mind—I knew this would've been the end of her.

She protected the others with that knowledge, giving Ashley and Tali free reign to handle the outpour of geth and asari commandos swarming in from the lab's corner exits. I heard those firing shotguns and biotic abilities; pulse rifles, and the clicking and stuttering and malfunctioned honking from synthetics.

And now I had to hurry up to support them—to end this quickly.

"Circling the perimeter to the far side!" announced Ashley, shooting her way ahead. "She's got commandos running in non-stop up there! Tali, hold the geth coming out near the entrance! Can you keep them stun-locked with your combat drone and tech skills? Finish them off with your shotgun?"

"Yes, I will!" said Tali. "If you need backup on the far side, just let me know! I'll do what I can!"

"Roger that!"

Despite the sheer numbers against them, Tali and Ashley both had the advantage.

I trusted Tali to keep that stun-lock going for days if she had to, as skilled as she was with her tech. She could pick off the weakest geth with her shotgun, and snare more geth as they kept pouring through the door, chaining them in her deathtrap.

And Ashley was an absolute tank compared to those commandos. Their hit-and-run tactics left them vulnerable in the single, confined space of that lab where they couldn't run and hide. From the commandos' screams blasting through our radio, their weak barriers and armor couldn't withstand her onslaught, like fish in a barrel.

I finally found my vantage point.

Intersected between two paths, this filter was open just enough to let me work without detection. I could set my rifle down on this so-called ground of the vent, and go prone beside it, giving me plenty of flexibility to aim and shoot throughout the lab.

All I needed to do was line up the shot against Benezia, but of course, I couldn't at the moment.

There was some kind of structure in the way, right in the center, and raised from the rest of the lab. I could see Liara battling her mother with her biotics—or at least, the bright glares of blue and violet flashing everywhere—but she was behind the structure, up along that elevated platform.

And I couldn't exactly ask her to move: I knew that she was at maximum capacity.

Liara needed to fight where she was or not at all. Otherwise she risked dying to her mother's superiority.

Needing to think of an alternative, I used the scope of my sniper rifle to check around the room.

Tali looked like she was more than okay on her end. I could have likely asked her to investigate that structure; see if it was possible to move the thing. If not, I'd have to break out of this vent instead.

Ashley was fine, too, even as she pushed herself. In any normal situation, regardless of how paper-weak the enemy was, she shouldn't have been able to last this long. Her shields seemed to hold at a much greater level compared to what I had come to expect from her in battle. And if her shields did fall, she only needed to take cover behind the nearby crates for a second or two, giving her Lancer a brief break to prevent her rifle from overheating. She was ready to go in a near-instant, as if she'd never stopped.

So I picked off some of the commandos where I could, firing off headshots at anyone who was about to break her flank. I couldn't mind this booming noise reverberating through the vent after each shot I fired. I had to be precise, and I had to shoot with purpose, as I had little room to maneuver. And my shots were much slower than Ashley's, but I did keep her from getting overwhelmed at one point.

As time went on, though, there was no need for me keep at this.

As soon as I was about to pull the trigger on this commando in my sights, already the black of her uniform bloodied and burst open from assault rifle fire, right from Ashley's direction.

This kept happening over and over—more and more often now that she knew I was here, watching her.

Muting my radio, I muttered in amazement, "Well damn, Ash…"

Accepting that she could hold her own now, I shifted my focus back to ending this as soon as possible.

Looking to Tali still keeping up against those geth, I spoke over the radio again, "I'm at the vantage point. Ash, keep up the heat on your end. Liara, do what you can to hold on. Tali, are you comfortable with your stun-locking over there?"

"Yes, Shepard, I'm fine!" responded Tali, before firing off her shotgun. "The geth's numbers are thinning by the minute! I should have them all down in no time! I can help Ashley once I'm done here!"

"Hold off on that for now. We need to take Benezia out. Liara's holding, but I won't risk anything happening to her. I can't get a clear shot from where I am."

Tali took a second to glance behind her, to that large thing in the way.

"Right, you mentioned that there might be something blocking you. Do you need me to take a look?"

"Yes—get up to the platform over there and see what you can find. Be careful. I don't want you getting hit by Benezia's attacks. Liara should be able to protect you. Just hurry."

"Okay, no problem! Moving now!"

Keeping Tali in my periphery, I did what I could to pick off some of those geth from this angle. She soon reached that elevated platform where Liara and Benezia battled it out. Waiting a bit to dodge that fight, Tali was able to slip through to the path right in front of the obstruction in my way.

Liara erected a wide biotic field just behind where Tali was, protecting her from Benezia's blasts.

I took note of the unusual strength of her field, drawing from the same font of power that Ashley did.

Or maybe not quite the same. Similar enough, at least, with both sources clearly revolving around me.

"There's a control panel here!" said Tali. "And there's a tank right in front of me. I should be able to move it if I… If…"

"What is it?" I asked. "What's going on?"

"I see some kind of…creature inside this tank. It's…it's staring at me. And it looks like those insects we encountered in the VI core. Keelah, is this—a rachni? It's definitely much larger than the others were…"

"Ignore it. We have to get that thing out of the way."

"But—Shepard, I think this is a queen! It's a rachni queen! If I move the tank, she'll be able to escape!"

A rachni queen? What the hell?! Was that what Benezia was up here experimenting on?

Shaking that off, I gave my orders, "Doesn't matter. Let her escape. I need you to move the tank, Tali!"

"Understood," accepted Tali, uneasy as she interacted with the control panel. "Should be moving now." I watched as the structure lifted, high and up and out of the way, revealing Tali there—and Liara fighting her mother behind that field. "I also see some of Benezia's things here. An OSD, schematics on Sovereign's layout, and her notes for Saren… Something about the Mu Relay out in the Terminus Systems…and—encrypted data on capital-class Reaper ships? Looks very useful. Should I take these?"

"Take everything there and get to cover. I need to line up my shot."

"Yes, Shepard!"

Tali knelt down and out of the way. She scrambled over to the corner nearest to the last few geth. Continuing with her stun-locking from this distance, she deployed a new combat drone and refreshed her tech abilities, shooting at any geth near enough in range for her shotgun. After a few more rounds of this, she could head over and provide support for Ashley against those unending commandos.

As for Benezia, I had her in my sights through my scope, analyzing. Even as she scuffled with Liara, she wouldn't stand still for obvious reasons, likely knowing that I planned on assassinating her in this way. I could handle that; and I could handle her potent barriers that kept Liara's biotics from breaching her defenses. I trusted that my shot would make it through.

But Liara's extra biotic field may have posed a problem.

I could punch through one crazy source of biotic power, but two? I wasn't so sure.

"Liara, get that field down," I ordered, watching her every movement, zoomed-in. "I don't want to risk shooting through that and Benezia's barriers. I'll take care of this from here. I need you to—"

Harsher than ever, Liara pushed back against Benezia as a rage of dark energy, managing to stagger her.

Short of breath, all she could do was stand before her mother kneeling there, glaring down in wrath.

There was no way she should have been able to take down an asari matriarch, no matter what…

Light returning to her eyes, Benezia seemed to awaken from something, breaking her indoctrination.

She lifted her head to stare up at Liara, at Liara's lessening anger, finding herself again.

"My little wing," I heard Benezia say through Liara's radio. "You have grown so powerful… I did my very best to hold back, to prevent the worst from happening. Still, it is difficult to do so, even now. Pounding on the glass in my mind as my hands attempt to kill you—it almost feels useless. Pointless to try. I will fall again. You should… You should end me now…"

"Shepard, wait!" called Liara, kneeling down with her mother. "Mother, please, can't you hold on? Can't you stay like this? Is it not possible to fight this indoctrination completely? There must be a way!"

"I'm afraid I cannot… Saren's will is too strong. Sovereign has already indoctrinated me to the point of no return… Forcing me to carry out Saren's wishes… It is too late to save me."

Benezia kept enough control to hold Liara in her arms, one last time.

Liara let the moment get to her, lowering her guard.

I aimed my crosshairs right at Benezia's head, just in case—just in case.

"Liara, you and the commander must go on," implored Benezia. "You must defeat Saren… You must…face Sovereign… You must defeat the Reapers when they return, and save the galaxy from this overwhelming threat. I believe in you. Find your reign. It is not too late to do what must be done…"

Liara couldn't know what her mother meant. "Please, won't you explain…? What is it that must be done? And what power do I have? You broke me, destroyed me years ago—I have nothing anymore. Nothing! How can you claim to know otherwise? Tell me, please—tell me before you lose control!"

"It is control, little wing… It is control before destruction—just as I did to you. I apologize…for breaking your spirit, and for creating this hesitation that now plagues you… Know that I accept you for who you are. And I will always love you. May you find your courage to act…before…before…"

"Before what, Mother? Before what…? Please—"

Benezia grabbed Liara's head.

Nearly crushing her, she stood back up, dangling Liara in the air; biotics flaring, raging, unhinged.

Ashley broke off from her position, running toward them—"Liara!"

Tali ran up to the biotic field, pounding her fists at the wall there, helpless.

Liara reinforced her own barriers, keeping her mother from doing too much damage all at once.

She couldn't keep this up forever.

Shooting through Benezia's barriers, through Liara's field, around Tali's form—I had to concentrate.

Zooming in and crossing my sights over Benezia's heart—I emptied my mind, hands steadying.

Right at the center, and right when she stopped moving for mere seconds—I took the shot.

Booming of this sound, and the kickback from my sniper rifle: I blinked, and my shot connected, piercing through Liara's field, her mother's barrier, her mother's heart.

Benezia's hand and arm went limp.

Eyes rolling to the back of her head, she let go. She fell and slumped to the ground, lifeless.

Liara had landed back on her feet, breathless at the sight of what I'd had to do to save her.

She remembered to lower her biotic field at last, letting Tali hurry over to her.

As if in direct response, even more geth and asari commandos rushed into the lab, making a beeline right toward my team. If they kept standing there, they were bound to get surrounded.

I shouted my orders, "Tali, Liara, Ashley! Get the hell out of there! Move it, now!"

Ashley snapped out of it first. "We're going!" she confirmed, making an opening. "Tali, Liara, come on!"

I watched to make sure the three of them ran safely out of the room. "Tali, seal that door behind you!"

"Sealing it!" answered Tali. "There, it's done! But there are more security guards out here!"

"Shake them and get back to the tram! Get back to Central Station! Go the way you came, and find the garage! I'll call Joker for extraction directly outside the exit!"

"Commander, what about you?!" worried Ashley. "If we take the tram, that's your only way out of Rift Station! I'm not leaving you behind!"

"Ash, there's no time for that!" I yelled, already crawling back through the vent. "I'll find my way over to you—just send the tram back to me once you make it to Central Station! Do you understand?!"

"Understood, Sir! Shaking these hostiles and getting on the tram now!"

Doing my best to rush through these tight spaces, I got Joker on the line: "Shore party to Normandy! Joker, we need immediate extraction outside the Peak 15 garage area! How fast can you get here?"

"Getting clearance to leave Port Hanshan, Commander!" confirmed Joker. "The blizzard's gonna cause some visibility problems! It'll take me eighteen minutes to get to you! Not exactly immediate, I know!"

"That's fine!" I allowed. "We still need some time to get out of this place. Just get your ass here!"

"Aye, aye, Ma'am!"

The entire research facility had activated against us.

Not even my cloak would be able to keep me safe once I made it to Central Station, since there were bound to be even more enemies trying to find me. I trusted my team to push through on their own—they had the firepower and the determination to do it, high from the adrenaline from the last fight.

I was going to have to take some alternative measures to get out of this place alive.

Not quite halfway through these vents yet, Tali contacted me again, "Shepard, we've made it to Central Station! We're sending the tram back to you, then heading for the garage! I remember the way there! There are quite a few more asari commandos and geth in our way. We should be able to run past them!"

"Then I'll need you to take point now, Tali," I said. "Ashley didn't take the same path. She won't know the way, and I'm going into stealth mode soon. I can't give directions unless absolutely necessary."

"Yes, of course! I'll lead the way! Liara will put up her biotic fields behind us when she can!"

"Good. Stick together and get back to that garage!"

I had less than ten minutes to get back to the tram area.

There were going to be hostiles posted over there, waiting for the tram to come back—waiting to follow after my team. If they got aboard first, that would've caused way too many problems for me. I had to hurry up, faster, to get there as soon as I could.

Emptying my mind as much as possible—

Pushing ahead, with all of my experiences that had led me to this point—

I made it to the vent that wrapped around the tram area.

Outside this opening I had made earlier, I could see several of those security guards standing around, waiting, but without their drones. Activating my cloak, I snuck around them, and over to the tram platform. The tram itself wasn't here yet. I still had a little bit of time. And the guards themselves were distracted in their own waiting: guns at-the-ready, they talked and wasted this time, not nearly as alert and prepared as they should have been.

Crouching right next to the platform, like a cat, I waited.

I listened to the nearing rush of machinery, of the tram's arrival.

Only a couple of the guards seemed to notice, as the rest were still too busy with their conversation.

As soon as the tram pulled in, I slipped through the doors, still cloaked. I forced them to shut back, and for the tram to pull off again. Mostly avoiding detection—

One of the security guards noticed, and tried to catch up. He stuck his hand through the door, getting it stuck right as they closed, making him scream. Sailing away with the tram's momentum, the guard flew on and on with the vehicle, hanging on by the grip of his soon-to-be-broken hand.

I pulled out my pistol and shot at his fingers.

Some far-off scream outside, and he fell away from the tram, left behind to crash against the rails.

"That's too bad," I said to no one, willing myself to sit down in the same place I had earlier.

I found my alternate route to take through Central Station—the only one I could take that would get me back out to the Normandy in time, while avoiding all of those hostiles around. I couldn't afford to wait—if I took too long, the team would have to fight off anyone who followed them to the ship. We had to be out of here just before anyone could track them. So I accepted my need to pull off this stunt.

Not really able to empty my mind anymore, I took this time to process what Liara's mother had said.

I had a feeling I knew what Benezia had meant to say…almost. Not everything, not all of it.

And I knew that Liara still had no idea, too distressed over her mother's death to put the pieces together.

But I had already decided: I couldn't stay on this path.

I could navigate it, and I could decide what to do from here—but I couldn't keep doing the same thing.

Because throughout that whole interaction, I couldn't give a damn about Liara's actual emotions. I cared, yes, but not in the way I would have yesterday, or the day before that. And that was just the thing—this thing that we had, it had only gone on for a few days, despite the month I had spent lusting after her. Lusting after her, while ignoring my original curiosities about someone else.

I had to face the facts:

Instead of getting to know Ashley—really getting to know her—I ran away. I ran because I knew that she would challenge me in too many ways. Just as she did now, like today. I ran because I didn't want to care.

I had made a mistake with Liara, plain and simple.

I couldn't own up to my mistake properly, because I had promised that I wouldn't confront her.

Liara had definitely opened me to these new possibilities…and for that, I was grateful.

But all I could do for the foreseeable future was navigate, navigate, navigate these tight spaces, the tightrope and the fine line of keeping my promises to Ashley, and supporting Liara through her inevitable mourning. I knew that I would at least care for Liara. I would always…care about her, in this tender space, and in these valuable lessons she had given me on how to stop running from my feelings.

Still, I had to take a side.

I needed to be decisive about this.

I needed to open my heart a little more to the possibility that she wasn't right for me.

I needed to accept the fact that she wasn't able to be fair, to give me what little I did still want with her.

I couldn't blame Liara for her hesitations. She had made herself clear, and I respected that.

She couldn't keep me if she kept hesitating, staying in love with her problems instead of moving forward.

And if that wasn't fair of me, then oh well—too bad. I had to make a fucking choice here, or else.

I absolutely had to, now that my ten minutes were up.

Bursting through with my decision, I cloaked again, running across to my new path. Through the decontamination chamber, through the VI core, and up, up, and up, partway atop the mountain surrounding Peak 15—the same one we had trekked toward through the valley on our way here.

I ran across this snow, following my omni-tool's directions as it warned me about the imminent drop.

Spotting the Normandy as a stretch of black and white down below, I uncloaked and kept running.

Gangplank leading to the lower level opened, waiting—Tali, Ashley, and Liara had almost made it there. They had spread out across the snow just outside the garage way under me, looking, searching around with their guns drawn. Even in this environmental hazard, and even without my shared implants to help them handle the cold, Ashley and Liara stayed out there with Tali anyway, needing to find me.

Lightning bolts of my legs striking through this thick snow, I couldn't let them know where I was.

All I could do—was run.

"Shepard, where are you?!" called Liara, her voice echoing up to me. "We don't see you anywhere in the garage! Are you cloaked? Did you even make it across from Rift Station? Say something!"

Freezing to the bone, Ashley started to lose her nerve. "Skipper, you have to make it… You have to! If you don't respond in the next two minutes, I swear, I'm tearing this place apart to find you!"

Tali consoled them both, "I'm sure she'll be fine. Just—try to be patient for a little while longer…"

This drop was way longer than the one from the elevator shaft…

Still, I had to see this through.

Focusing on Ashley down below—as near as she was to the gangplank, perfect for my momentum—I ran all the way to the edge. I focused on her, on her anger, her desperation, her need to find her control over this situation, and to find me—now, right now, right this second, or else—

Right at the mountain's edge, I vaulted across to the height below.

Bulleting down, this icy wind cut at me a thousand times without making me bleed, as high as I was.

Joker spotted me first from the windows in the cockpit—"Holy shit… Shepard! Are you fucking CRAZY?!"

Perfect performance with this audience: Tali, Liara, and Ashley looked up, finding this gunshot of me.

And so pitch perfect—I could have smiled from the sheer shock and awe about them, even Tali in her relative obscurity with her helmet. I could still see it anyway, seeing myself reflected there in the hard material over her face, shining in this blizzard.

I looked down at my landing point, nearing it now, so soon and so much quicker than I'd expected.

Clear and away from the others, I had enough room.

Enough room, finally, to run and to run and to run to my heart's content—only I had finally found a reason to stop running, to accept reality instead. As harsh and as cold as this reality was, worse than this weather, I felt this infinite flame in my chest keeping me warm, warmer than my implants could.

Soon enough, before, and right before, I activated my augmentation.

This golden halo around me, slowing my descent, and canceling my velocity out: I stuck the landing, legs bent, finding the snowy ground as normal again, all as normal.

Running up to the gangplank, I ordered the others, "Come on! We're done—let's get out of here!"

Finding their senses again, Ashley, Liara, and Tali hurried after me, back onto the ship.

And in this adrenaline, I had my clarity.

The mission came first; Ashley's well-being came first.

They had to become one and the same for me.

Anything less, and I could have lost it all, all over again.