"Afterglow" from Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood / "Toxic (Peter Rauhofer Reconstruction Remix)" by Britney Spears

X. Thessian Wine

(Shepard)

This time had given me wisdom in ways I hadn't expected.

In time, I would come to learn just how much Noveria had changed my life—for better, or for worse.

And in this fine time, aging and maturing, I sat alone in my cabin, drinking this white wine that would forever remind me of Liara—with my email open to several messages from Ashley in the present—thinking all of this over. But even as I drank this in remembrance, I felt firmly in the present, inescapable.

Three months had passed since that snow and ice had frozen me on this new path.

Four months since the mission began, and so much about me had changed in this time.

Technically autumn now, at least on Earth and on solar time, it was almost my birthday.

Tomorrow, I would be thirty years old.

Obviously, I chose not to make a big deal out of it. And I wasn't even certain if anyone on the ship knew. I hadn't spotted them sneaking around to make secret plans for the day, which was a relief. No one asking those not-so-subtle hinting questions about the things I liked, all as a ruse to figure out what I might have wanted as a birthday present. Then again, if they were up to something, they would have used their drama-chat room to coordinate together. So I didn't entirely rule this chance out.

Besides, if anyone on the Normandy would know my birthday, it would've been Ashley.

Not that Liara wouldn't have known. But she was used to Thessian time. So much so that Liara had asked me if we could visit her homeworld Thessia for a few days—for shore leave while we stayed at her childhood home, for her to square away her mother's affairs after Benezia's death. I had agreed: we were on our way there now, due to arrive in Armali, her hometown, within the next few solar hours.

Sipping more of this white wine, I scrolled to find the relevant email from Ashley—one of several that we'd exchanged over the past three months, just in getting to know each other. We had hundreds of messages to each other, all linked to the same chain, in chronological order. While she cleaned our guns down in the armory, or while I worked on admin duties for the ship, or while I was in between tactical briefings with Alliance brass, we would constantly write to each other throughout the days.

During missions, Ashley was as dedicated, as reliable, and as formidable as ever. She did her best not to give the team any indication that we had anything going on between us. Aside from her following me around like a puppy again whenever possible, she had learned to be as subtle as she could about this.

Because this was what I had limited us to—getting to know each other, taking this slow:

Emails—many emails—private radio calls before bed at night, and talking in-person in the mess hall.

Oddly enough, Ashley seemed perfectly happy with this, following my lead just as she had promised.

So, whenever we were alone, I would let her steal a kiss from me in that sexy mischief of hers.

Nothing more…yet.

From: Ashley – Re: Getting to know you.

Shepard,

So what do you think about astrology? While we were talking the other day about religion, and how you're actually agnostic, it got me thinking. Not sure I buy the whole horoscope thing myself. Like, how could our personalities be based off of star alignments from when we were born? And I'm pretty sure things have shifted over the centuries. Isn't there some thirteenth Zodiac sign now? Who knows…

I was curious, so I looked up your birth chart anyway. Libra, an air sign. Your reading surprised me. It did sound a lot like you… How you can be diplomatic when you need to, smoothing things over. How you care a lot about justice and fairness. You're a people-pleaser. You need your balance and peace. You're drop-dead gorgeous and handsome at the same time… Everything about you is so beautiful. And you're supposed to be a real romantic, too… From what I've seen about you so far, I can believe it.

This thing said you're indecisive, though. I definitely don't believe that. Or maybe you are, deep down? Do you force yourself to make tough decisions when you'd normally hesitate? You're more of a natural leader in my eyes. Whatever you do in the background to keep that going, it sure does work for you.

With the rest of your chart, I can't say either way if it's true or not. Are you secretly emotional, Shepard? Do you need someone in your life who balances you out? Would you rather keep your distance from others if it means you won't get hurt? I guess that last one is true… Maybe not so much these days. And maybe not with me. Not anymore. I'm really happy that we get to talk like this every day.

I'm an Aries. Fire sign. April 14. I'm apparently your opposite Zodiac sign, too. I spent a long time reading about our compatibility together… Instant attraction, bringing out the best (or worst) in each other, learning new perspectives, amazing sexual chemistry. Everything I've found says we're pretty much soulmates. That's a strong word, I know… It's making me rethink how much I care about this stuff.

Why don't you read some, too? It could be fun.

-Ashley

I had done my reading on it back then, seeing that it was kind of fun to compare and contrast.

So much of spending this time with Ashley was fun. She excited me a lot. She made me smile in her curiosities, in the way she said whatever was on her mind at any given moment. Even when she managed to sound like a complete airhead sometimes, I could still laugh about it, or enjoy how different she was from me. I saw that I wasn't so hung-up over our differences, finding beauty in them instead.

And when we did argue about something—usually her disbelief that Liara and I hadn't done anything else—I couldn't stay angry at her. Ashley chose to do as I said, after all: she didn't hold back with me. She didn't hold her tongue. She held her ground instead, knowing that I respected her more for being honest with me, no matter what. So she respected my respect, reassured by it, giving me her real self.

But honestly, I had wondered if things between us might have fizzled out at some point. Especially by now. I questioned if I was exciting enough for her—if Ashley would get bored of how much I kept guarding myself, kept holding back. Or if she would lose interest in me, simply because of how quiet and…shy I sometimes was, almost stuck in my head at times. So this three-month, or four-month marker—sort of—helped me to see that my wonderings, and my questioning weren't based in reality.

Ashley was still here.

She was still into me, and she wanted me more than she did yesterday, every day.

And I was still into her, finding that this feeling in my lower chest was such a constant, pervading flame.

All because Ashley trusted me enough to know that I wasn't going anywhere.

She gave me drama, she challenged me to be sensitive with her, and she made me feel an entire spectrum of fire for her—but I wasn't sick of her at all, and I didn't want her to stop.

I didn't want her to compromise who she was, just to placate me.

On the other hand, there was Liara, who had every reason now to compromise herself, to placate me.

This started a couple of days after Noveria, when she had emailed me with a senseless assumption:

From: Liara – Concern.

Shepard,

Did you ask her to send me this?

If so, you shouldn't have bothered.

-Liara

.

From: Williams, Gunnery Chief – FW: Sorry.

Liara,

I don't expect you to respond to this.

I only wanted to say—I'm sorry about your Mom dying.

I could tell she meant a lot to you. I can't ever know why the two of you stopped talking over the years. Not the details, anyway. Sounded like it was a big deal. Glad you got some closure with her.

I hope you're not mad at Shepard for doing what she had to do. She took the shot, just like she always does. She saved your life.

Despite everything, I would've done the same for you.

-Ashley

This petty shit from Liara had burned me up at the time.

I couldn't even bother to fucking respond to her.

Seriously, Ashley had set her pride aside to send Liara a sincere message. She chose to be the better person here, and to do the decent thing. Still, Liara was so damn cynical and mistrusting that she couldn't accept the gesture for what it was. This wasn't even about her having the right to be irrational while she mourned Benezia's death. It was just plain mean.

I hadn't responded to her damned email—at all.

I had chosen not to say anything to her in-person, either, avoiding her on the ship.

Liara had picked up on how pissed off I was.

She had waited a few days before sending me this change, this revelation:

From: Liara – Re: Concern.

Shepard,

I must apologize for my last message.

I understand that you are angry with me. I allowed my negative emotions to get the better of me, and now you think less of me as a result. Ashley tried to do the right thing in sending her condolences. I shouldn't have assumed that you asked her to take pity on me. Thinking on it now, it was the natural thing for her to do. It is clear that family is important to her.

Perhaps I was bitter. During our walk through the blizzard, I could no longer feel you. In fact, I still can't. It is as though our bond has shifted, changed. It is there, but far less intimate than it was before. The timing is obvious… This change began as soon as you and Ashley finally began speaking to one another.

I can't help but feel that this is for the best, at least for now.

Given my state of mind these days, maybe we ought to take a step back. Did we not rush into things together? Did we not give into our passions too soon? I believe we did, and I know that you feel the same. In fact, this is all that I know of how you feel. The rest, as I said, is blocked off. I don't wish to subject you to the pain that this brings me. Otherwise, we will have more repeats of my last email to you.

Are you in agreement, or do you wish to discuss this first?

-Liara

.

To: Liara – Re: Concern.

Liara,

Yeah, that whole thing with Ashley's message did piss me off. You didn't have to send it to me. That was between you and her. For the record, I didn't ask her to send it, and I don't want her taking pity on you. Whatever the two of you talk about is your business. Please, leave me out of it.

You're right about the rest, though.

We should cool off.

Now's not the best time to risk any arguments between us. Not while you're going through all of this. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to be in pain, either. I have to accept that I can't change this. It is what it is.

I still care about you, Liara.

If you need me to be there for you, or if you'd rather I stay away, it's your call.

If you choose not to respond to this, then I'll know where you stand.

-Shepard

Once it became clear that Liara wasn't going to respond, I had such a mixed reaction.

I wasn't relieved.

I wasn't happy.

I wasn't angry.

I wasn't frustrated.

Somewhere in between, perfectly balanced, perfectly mixed. Ambivalent, for now. I couldn't know why.

And I couldn't help feeling that I had dodged a bullet somehow—that this was a blessing in disguise.

Sipping more of this wine, I swallowed back this sudden stinging in my throat. That indigo blue blanket was here on the couch with me, too—over there, in the corner, where Liara had sat with me for a time. The only time she had been in my room. But probably not the last time. I found some comfort in knowing that she would likely be back here with me at some point. In what capacity, I didn't know.

I was positive that Liara knew we weren't exactly done, either.

Taking a step back, cooling off—feelings interrupted, and maybe shifted: I found that I was perfectly fine with being in this space with her. I knew that Liara would always feel something powerful for me, regardless of whether or not I chose to act on my own feelings for her. I had my peace with her like this. I had forgiven her for the drama from before, even knowing that she was in so much pain without me.

With that pain, Liara really seemed to be biding her time for something…

Whatever this something was, she had managed to find her own peace that way, pressing onward.

And we had our connection: I felt her protecting the very base of my mind, supportive as my foundation.

Somehow, I understood that she would always be here, no matter what happened between us.

Still, I had revoked Liara's access to my private cabin.

I couldn't let myself think of giving Ashley the same access, no matter how much I wanted her here.

I had a much stronger feeling about Ashley in the long-run: that our own foundation was strong, powerful. But because of how much Liara had opened me up, these memories of her were way too fresh.

Needing to set these emotions of mine aside, I skimmed through my emails from Ashley, choosing to read one at random:

From: Ashley – Re: Getting to know you.

Shepard,

What made you think of that? I just said whatever came to mind… I can explain it if you want me to.

The whole "griffons never die" thing comes from my family. It's an old Williams saying, going back centuries. We say it to the marines we admire most. One of my ancestors picked it up from a super retro video game. Ended up carrying through the generations. It's part of our blood now.

The thing is, I can't remember the title of that game. Wings of the Goddess, or something?

I know you like video games. I'll have to ask one of my uncles if he can find out the name for you.

When I saw that you were okay after the Thorian, I thought of my family's saying. I would hear them say it to each other all the time. Never really stuck until my Dad used it with me, right after I enlisted. It was around the time he stopped calling me his baby girl. Totally used to get on my nerves whenever he would call me that… Now that he's gone, I miss it. I miss him. He was my rock while he was still alive.

You're my rock now.

You're legendary, like a griffon, and you never die.

You always get the job done. You'll never die.

-Ashley

Smiling over the memory, I put my headphones on, listening to the real source of her family's saying.

One of Ashley's ancestors must've enjoyed this super retro video game, including the music. I loved the game, too—it was one of my favorites of all-time. I still played it every now and then. Somehow, the servers were still alive, carried over to the extranet from the original code from the early twenty-first century. I had a few maxed out characters, though, and there was nothing more to do. Since the developers were all dead by now, they obviously weren't able to update the game with more content…

Griffons Never Die was the title of a song in one of the game's expansion packs, Wings of the Goddess. It was from one of the original starter cities, reimagined in the past. Kings and queens, knights and nobility, medieval castles and battlements, duty and honor, and the color red—I could definitely see how this place, and this song had meant a lot to someone in the Williams family, military-minded as they were.

One day, I'd have to show Ashley this place in-game through some virtual reality play. I wanted to completely immerse her in the place and in the music that her ancestors were so fond of. Playing with a simple screen and a keyboard or controller just wouldn't cut it. Not for something like this.

After listening to the song a few more times, I took off my headphones.

Too curious for my own good, I went back to my email inbox, staring at this other chain of several successive messages from Ashley, again.

Aside from the getting to know you emails, she also sent me these…

The subject: Hard and fast.

I had read every single one of them…but Ashley had specified that I shouldn't respond to these. Not until I was ready. She only saw that I had 'read' each of them, and she was content with this. For now.

She had attached certain files to some of these emails to me.

Pictures.

Vid messages.

I was a visual person. I had a feeling she was well-aware of this about me.

So far, I had resisted the urge to look at these, to watch these. I knew what they were…and I knew, once I started indulging in them, I would want to immediately take the brakes off of this thing we had going.

I risked re-reading her latest of these emails to me anyway:

From: Ashley – Re: Hard and fast.

Shepard,

Do you remember why I'm using this subject line? Aside from the double-meaning I want from you…

In our dream, you told me I should chase after you. And I said I would.

Hard and fast.

I know—I can't exactly do that right now. Not in the way I imagined at the time. I honestly want that physicality. I want to run after you, chase you down, and make you pin me down on the ground… Sending you these instead…it helps me get some of this energy out. If I keep it inside any longer, I'll explode. Plus, it's way harder to control myself around you these days. I'm trying to learn from how controlled you are. I'm trying to do my best. When I feel myself about to give in, I turn to this instead.

I love that you're reading this. I love that you won't respond…for now. It makes me wonder if you're really shy, or if I have that much of an effect on you. There's no doubt in my mind that you want me, Shepard. You keep holding back anyway. I know why you do it. I respect your reasons; I always will.

Thinking about you like this, I finally figured out why I was so confused all those years.

I can't get emotionally attached to men. I'm only physically attracted to them. Like I told you, the ones I've slept with were…not so great in bed. On the other hand, I have no problems getting emotionally attached to women. And I can really want a woman to fuck me… But the ones I've been with, they never did it right. Not that anyone's actually fucked me—you know… You get what I'm saying.

I wasn't sure if I was actually bi. I couldn't put two and two together. I couldn't realize that the people I had sex with before were just bad. My sexuality had nothing to do with it. I guess since it's easier for me to feel closer to women, I stressed myself out, wondering why my experiences with them were so terrible.

Then you came along.

With everyone else, I'd keep my pride. If they wanted me, then they had to come prove it. I wasn't going to throw myself at anyone. I wouldn't be head-over-heels. I refused to make things easy for them.

That was simple for me, because I really wanted you, not them.

Now you're here.

Now…every time I see you, no matter where we are, and no matter who's around, I get the same urge.

I want to get down on my knees in front of you, Shepard. I want to get your dick out and suck on it, choke on it. I want you to hold my head and guide me while I do it. I want to feel your nails digging into my scalp, showing me how much you love my tongue on you, my lips around you. And even though it's only a strap-on, so what? I bet anything you'll taste better in my mouth than the ones I wasted my time with.

Even better, I want your mouth in between my legs. Whenever you kiss me, I feel how strong your tongue is, how thick your lips are. It gets to me every time—I imagine you on your knees instead, devouring me. I know you want to please me. I know you want to make me scream your name. You're so fucking sexy.

The best part is, we haven't even done anything yet, and you already make me feel like I'm good enough.

Let me show you just how much.

But I learned my lesson with you. I'm not giving up the goods that easily…

If you want all of it, you'd better come after me this time.

-Ash

Light-headed and throbbing like hell, I almost slipped up and opened one of the attachments.

A notification sounded from my terminal at my desk, snapping me out of this daze I was in.

Setting my empty wine glass on the table, I went over to my desk. I had completely forgotten: I'd decided to make a copy of something for Tali, for her Pilgrimage. Not that long ago, we had hit several geth outposts across different planets. Geth that had separated from Saren's operations, while also staying far outside the Perseus Veil where they should have been. We found some encrypted data on the geth's operations, but it probably would have taken years to crack what was on here.

Tali hadn't asked me, but I chose to make a copy of this for her. The process had finally finished. I could give her this, and then hand the original over to the Alliance once I had time.

Hopefully this would be a good enough gift for Tali to bring back to the Flotilla.

Before heading out, I brushed my teeth and freshened up, mostly to get this smell of wine out of my breath. I was already a little more relaxed than usual. I didn't need anyone knowing for sure that I had been drinking up here. Not that it really mattered. I had…a feeling about this, about alcohol in general.

After brushing my hair out one last time, I took the copy of the geth data and headed to the elevator.

Going all the way down to the storage area, I leaned against the back wall, arms folded.

As soon as these doors opened, I knew that Ashley would look over at me.

She wouldn't expect me to go and talk to her. She would want me to, though. And I would want to go over to her, to see how she was. But, again, I had such a weird feeling about this. Like, if I did it, then it would change things, somehow. This was all really vague and I didn't understand any of it.

Then again, I was relaxed enough to not care that much.

Why not just go with the flow for once?

Once the elevator opened to the dark blue of the vehicle bay—with Wrex on the left side examining our armor, and Garrus on the right side calibrating the Mako's guns—I stared back at the inevitable.

In her usual place at the armory, Ashley looked at me with her filthy mind, looking damn fine. From the single look I gave back to her, she nearly dropped the gun in her hands that she had been cleaning. Interestingly enough, it was my Spectre-grade sniper rifle. And she almost dropped it to the ground.

I had paid a lot of credits for that gun at the C-Sec Academy on the Citadel.

I changed my look—heated, warning—before rounding the corner to head down to Engineering.

But I did let myself smile once I heard Wrex grilling Ashley on what all the ruckus was about.

Through the door to Engineering, I found the bright blue-violet pulsing of the Normandy's drive core in the center of the room. This mesmerizing view comforted me. As chill as I was at the moment, this sound, this atmosphere could have lulled me to sleep if I wasn't careful.

Thankfully, Tali didn't notice—she had her back to me, working at the panel on the leftmost side of the room, right by that pulsing. But I wasn't sure how this conversation would turn out. This was the first time I had ever spoken to her down here. Aside from speaking in-person during missions, we had only ever communicated by email here on the ship. Or I would sometimes find her in the mess hall with Ashley or someone else, and we would speak in passing. Never a one-on-one conversation, alone.

There was only one way to find out how this would go.

I gave a nod to Engineer Adams, who saluted me with a smile, before heading over to Tali nearby.

She wasn't quite working on the drive core itself.

Instead, Tali typed away on what looked like her private terminal.

She wrote into a text box on an extranet page—and she had written quite a lot already…

Something about how frustrated she was.

Frustrated…that she couldn't take her suit off, or even her helmet, without risking an infection. And that if I could have seen her face from behind her helmet, maybe things could have been different between us… She noted that she was not vain, but she accepted that I appreciated beautiful women. She knew that she was one, too, and she expressed more frustration that she couldn't show me just how much.

According to her, if I could have seen her face and her body, then maybe I would want her, too.

Tali felt trapped in her suit. Like it was a cage, or a prison, making people judge her or dismiss her.

She mentioned that Liara and Ashley were beautiful, so of course I was attracted to them, and not her…

But then Tali retracted that, not wanting to think I was shallow, or that I only cared about looks.

Tali instead expressed her amazement for how I continued to impress her, day after day, mission after mission. Especially on Noveria, where she knew that something about me had changed that day, even if she couldn't put her finger on exactly what. She did wonder a lot about how it was I'd caught that cold…

And Tali venerated me—how dashing she thought I was, how skilled she saw me as, how strict I was, how sexy she felt I was, and how much she loved my preparedness and my intelligence. Tali hated that she couldn't express herself to me, and that she couldn't possibly compete against her two best friends for my affections. She felt inadequate compared to them, like she had nothing to offer me.

Tali could never let me see her face, or let me feel her skin; she could never let me kiss her, or let me have sex with her—otherwise she could have gotten sick, or possibly died, jeopardizing the mission.

Because of how she was raised—as a quarian, as her father's daughter—she had learned to put others first. Being selfish may have endangered the Migrant Fleet. So she had convinced herself that Liara should have had me before, and now Ashley these days. And she believed that this was best, as she felt that I wouldn't have given her the time of day regardless. She figured I didn't care about her like that.

On some nights, Tali would purposely listen in on Ashley getting off to me, just to make herself cry.

All so she could exhaust herself, crying herself to sleep. Because she wasn't able to rest otherwise, wanting me as much as she did, all while dealing with these frustrations on a daily basis. Because, once the next mission began, she had no room to let her personal feelings get in the way. She knew that I needed her to be on-point, at her very best, and she didn't want to…disappoint me. Not in the slightest.

This in particular stood out to me in a curious way: 'I'm making her sound like my father, aren't I…?'

This as well, even more so: 'Liara made it clear to everyone in the chat that she and Shepard aren't an item. They're still attracted to each other, and they still appear to have that special bond of theirs, but she needs to keep her distance for her own reasons. She's upset over it, yet she's also choosing to press on. I'm not sure why she chose to give up while she was ahead. Whatever those private reasons of hers are, they must be serious. She won't tell me at all.

'And Ashley must think I'm stupid. She claims that she has no chance whatsoever. I know that she's chasing after Shepard as I write this. The raw attraction between those two…it's palpable. Shepard can certainly control her actions; she can't stop that impossible heat from burning up each time she and Ashley are around one another. It's even stronger than it was with her and Liara, how there would be sparks everywhere. She and Ashley want each other very, very badly. I wish they'd get a room already…'

Tali was seriously…blogging about me, like this.

I'd had no idea her crush on me went this deep. And I'd had no idea she so was hurt over this, either…

Regardless of the pain that Tali was in, I was struck by how—beautiful her feelings were for me.

Standing right behind her, I realized why she hadn't heard my approach. My footsteps were already quiet enough, on top of the drive core's pulsing causing this much noise.

If I waited any longer, she would know that I had read these tender feelings of hers—even by accident.

I sighed, hoping this wouldn't scare her.

I tapped her shoulder. "Tali—"

Tali whipped around to face me, the vague outline of her bright eyes growing wide behind her helmet.

"Shepard!" she squeaked, slamming her terminal shut. "Shepard, what are you doing here?! You frightened me! Keelah, you really need to invest in some heavier boots! Or—or something!"

Dry in my sarcasm, I offered, "I could try wearing a bell around my neck if that would help."

Tali huffed at me, "This isn't funny!"

"Sorry," I said, finding it cute—even sexy—how pissed off she was. "I have something to give you. Figured I'd bring it to you in person. If you don't want it, I can just go instead. No hard feelings."

Softening a bit, she asked, "You mean…you have a gift for me?"

"Yes."

"Oh… Well, that's—sweet of you… What is it?"

I handed her the copy of that data, explaining, "These are encrypted files on what the geth are doing outside the Perseus Veil. We found this when we hit their outposts the other day. I'm handing the original files over to the Alliance. So I made this copy for you to have. Might take a while to get this unencrypted. But I figured you could bring it back to your people. You know, for your Pilgrimage."

Gently, Tali took the gift in her hands, staring down at it for a long while.

She whispered to me, just over the drive core's pulsing, "Shepard…this is perfect. I can certainly use this to complete my Pilgrimage once we stop Saren. I… I almost don't know what to say, except—thank you."

"Glad I could help, Tali," I told her.

The way her breathing had changed—it gave away what she had written about me.

Shy, and frightened, almost, Tali couldn't raise her head to meet my eyes again.

Knowing better, I asked, "You okay?"

"Err, yes, I'm…" Tali exhaled, trembling. "…I'm—I'm all right. I am."

"You know I don't believe that," I lectured.

"I know you don't… But, I'm telling you anyway—I'm fine, Shepard…"

One more chance: "You're sure?"

Tali sighed, admitting, "No, I'm not… You caught me off-guard. Your gift is incredibly thoughtful. You've pushed me into new territory with this. And this, it's… It is… This is…very difficult to discuss, and…"

She glanced over at Engineer Adams not too far away.

He wasn't close enough to overhear, and he had his back facing us, but Tali worried anyway.

"We can go someplace else," I offered. "If you need to speak with me in private, that is."

Tali placed her hands over the sides of her helmet, as if blushing under there.

These soft stutters of her attractive voice, broken by her breaths so emotional: "Shepard…I want to tell you. I don't… I don't feel that I'm allowed to. I'm not—I'm not allowed…to be honest with you. Not without compromising other things… As much as I would like to…we shouldn't speak in private."

"I get what you're trying to say, Tali."

"What…? But how could you know? No, that's not right… You don't know. You shouldn't lie to me…"

I leaned closer to her, speaking in a low voice, "I wish you wouldn't lie to me. This is where we're at anyway. Then again, maybe it's for the best. If you're not ready to be honest, then I won't force you to get this off your chest. That's your choice to make, not mine."

Tali only stood there, letting out these shallow breaths; quavering underneath my height above her.

Out of anyone, I knew that I had to keep this mask on with her.

How fragile she was, deep down, and how inexperienced she was beyond her tech expertise:

I could've broken her mind in half like a twig, like a flower stem, without even trying.

"The offer's open, Tali," I said, stepping back—knowing she might not have taken it. "And the offer will always be open. Whenever you wanna have a real talk with me, you're free to ask for my time, in private. Other than that, I want you to stop treating me like I'm stupid. Do whatever you want around me—just don't make the rookie mistake of assuming I don't notice what goes on under my watch."

More emotional, yet still controlled, Tali breathed much harder.

Whether she was mad at me, or turned on—or both—I couldn't know.

Staying firm with her, I needed confirmation: "Tali, do you understand me?"

Oh, she was livid with me now.

I felt how much she wanted to call me a bitch, right to my face…or a bosh'tet.

"Yes, Captain," scorned Tali. "I understand."

I was about to leave things at that, not wanting this to go on for too long.

But then Tali pressed her hand to my chest—pushing me back, and back, and back, out the Engineering exit and back out to the hall blocked by the elevator.

This elevator was the only thing keeping Garrus, Wrex, and Ashley from witnessing this right now.

Still keeping her voice to a near-whisper, Tali put her foot down:

"Shepard, I respect you as my leader," she warned. "And I feared you would find out that I don't just have an innocent crush on you. But I won't allow you to talk down to me like this… Out of anyone on this ship, I have the least amount of freedom to be honest with you! Why can't you see that?!"

Setting aside my anger with her anger, I asked, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm juggling two close friendships with the other women who want you! You and Liara may not be directly involved anymore, but Ashley is a different story! If she were to find out about my real feelings, it would cause too many issues for us. I don't want to lose her again! Especially not over this, when I have no chance with you! Keelah, you're still so insensitive at the wrong times…"

"Seriously? Ashley and I aren't—"

"—no, no, no," interrupted Tali. "Don't bother with that, Shepard. Don't go there with me. It doesn't matter if the two of you aren't in a relationship. I see how you feel about her; I see how she feels about you. We all do! You can control yourself all you want. That won't stop us from spotting the insane amount of chemistry between the two of you. You're going to burn the Normandy down at this rate!"

So much for the damned regulations keeping me shackled. And if everyone already knew, then…

Tali continued, "You could have fooled us with Liara, you know. Sure, the attraction was there. It still is. But then you had to go and bed her for everyone to hear, giving yourself away. With that said, I spend a lot of my time observing you. You can't tell me that Ashley isn't special to you. You want her like no other. Even now, I can feel it, radiating off from you…like it does all the time, everywhere. So why should I have a real talk with you if you're not able to give me anything in return?"

Holding up this figurative shield of my guard:

This was all I could do.

Nothing more.

I had already made my decision about this, about Ashley, and about staying on this path with her.

"That's what I thought," concluded Tali. "Now do you understand why I tried to lie to you? To get you to drop this? I'm completely vulnerable to you… This is going to make things worse for me. I hope you're happy. And in case you forgot, Shepard, this is also about my health… You're literally toxic to me."

Unsticking my voice from my throat, I told her, "Tali, I'm sorry… I wish I could make this up to you."

"I know. Better late than never, I suppose… It's what made me fall for you this hard in the first place."

Tali embraced me, angling her helmet up just enough to rest her head over my shoulder.

I let myself hold her back.

This smooth material of her enviro-suit, and how small she was in my arms—she felt…warm, and inviting to me. But even with her attitude that fired itself right back at me in hot, short bursts, I still knew better. I knew, as smooth, and as small, and as warm, and as inviting as she was, Tali was…vulnerable, as she said. She was a firebrand in her own ways, but she was susceptible to me. I could've hurt her, badly.

Ashley was tough enough—even hard-headed enough—for me to not worry about this with her.

Tali was…way too precious for someone like me.

But despite her arguments, I knew she wouldn't let things end with this one conversation.

I moved back, maybe premature, given how relaxed Tali had felt against me.

Waking up from her bliss, she asked in worry, "What is it?"

"Nothing," I tried. "You gave me a lot to think about, that's all. Maybe I underestimated you."

"Maybe you did," agreed Tali. "And maybe I should be more patient with you." Having my arms around her had changed something in her, once again: "And maybe…I'll take you up on your offer to have that talk. One day."

"Then we'll do that. Whenever you're ready. I care about you. I don't want to compromise that. I hate admitting this, but you're right about Ashley…how I feel about her. If she were anyone else, I wouldn't think twice about exploring this with you. She is really special to me. And I'm not in a relationship with her now…"

Tali responded with levity, "Mmm, I know," as if she even loved how much I…felt about her own best friend. "I'm not asking for anything more. I couldn't. I'm just…extremely glad to see that you could still like me, even with my suit in the way. And I do want your friendship. No matter what."

"Then let's be friends," I accepted. "I'll keep you in my thoughts. Either way, your secret's safe with me."

"Thank you, Shepard," replied Tali, relieved. "I feel much better now. I think…this should help me in the long-run. I can stop hating this situation and find my peace with it instead." She sighed with the start of that peace. "I should get back to it, then. I need to…finish up some work before we arrive to Liara's homeworld. I'm still trying to unencrypt those notes we found from her mother. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, I'll see you."

Tali let out a soft laugh, and returned to Engineering through the door.

I took a moment to reflect on our conversation: on how much I had admitted, how much I had realized.

I accepted that I wanted to keep Tali safe and cared for, even as a friend.

And she was way more complex than I had given her credit for…

With that complexity, I had actually looked at temptation and turned away, focused on one woman.

Heading back out to the vehicle bay, I found my own peace in how all was well over here—how no one had overheard. Garrus continued working on the Mako. Wrex set Kaidan's armor back in his locker. From this angle, Ashley mostly had her back to me, working diligently to clean her own rifle this time.

Clinging to my professionalism for dear life, I decided to go over to Ashley at her station.

To avoid any unnecessary surprises, I angled my approach so that I was in her periphery.

Though I noticed something different about her hair.

Ashley had it tied up behind as usual, but it seemed like her hair was shorter. Did she get a haircut?

Spotting me out of the corner of her eye, Ashley set her rifle down, gently, before turning toward me.

This was the first time I had ever come to speak to her down here, too.

The only times I had been down here for chatting was when Wrex had emailed me, requesting that I speak to him about a personal matter. He had given me the details about his family armor that some turian had stolen away. We'd then retrieved his armor, and I came back down here again to talk to him about it some more, learning about how his father Jarrod had betrayed him back on Tuchanka.

And then there was Garrus, who had told me about a legit maniac, Dr. Saleon, who went around pawning off organs from innocent victims. He had tracked down the doctor's location, and then we had gone to find him, making short work of that freak and putting an end to his operations. And I remembered how even though Garrus was grateful for my help, he had held back in what he really wanted to say to me. He had kept our talks professional, to-the-point, for the sake of appeasing me.

I knew that Garrus wanted to be my friend. He needed to find the courage to tell me that on his own.

During each of those occasions, I had decided not to speak to Ashley, instead letting her work.

Surely that explained this muted look of bewilderment on her face as I approached her now, today.

"Commander," greeted Ashley, trying to stay neutral. "…what can I do for you?"

Experimenting with this new concept, I asked her, "What's your opinion on the last mission?"

Finding her nerve again, Ashley scowled in remembrance. "My opinion is that it was all a huge mess, Sir," she replied. "Rear Admiral Kahoku didn't deserve what happened to him! And before that, those researchers in the excavation site getting turned into husks? That fake Alliance distress signal leading the admiral's men straight into a thresher maw's nest? Cerberus is a straight-up terrorist group!"

"I agree," I remarked. "It was pretty bad all around. But we couldn't get to the admiral in time. We have to accept that and move on."

"You make it sound so easy…"

Low-hanging fruit for an inappropriate joke, there.

She knew it, too—her knees were about to buck, like she wanted to get down in front of me.

Ashley caught herself, catching her breath thickly against this sight of me.

I was still relaxed enough to be amused by this, though not quite letting myself smile at her.

Needing to act oblivious, Ashley continued, "…I guess you did the right thing, handing over that data to the Shadow Broker… If that's the deal Admiral Kahoku made for more info on Cerberus, then we've repaid his debts. I hope he's resting in peace somewhere up there now."

"More than likely," I said. "He was a good man, dedicated to his service."

Ashley could no longer keep up this chain of the conversation, avoiding my eyes now.

She all but tied her hands behind her back, tangling, taut.

Experimenting some more, I went on, "Do you have a few minutes to talk, one-on-one?"

This shuddering breath she let out, still unable to look at me—

She inhaled, once, stronger—smelling my usual scent, and holding herself back.

Overwhelmed by me, Ashley still whispered, "You know I always have time for you, Skipper…"

"Always?" I wondered.

"Always," she repeated, just as soft. "Whatever you need me for, Shepard, I'll… I'll give it up to you."

Uncharacteristic with everyone else, anyone else—Ashley's regard of me made it nearly impossible for my professionalism to keep carrying this talk with her. And she did look at me, now, her wide eyes so all-encompassing in the breadth of her feelings. And I almost hated myself, now, for taking this long to appreciate how sweet she was in this way, lowering that guard of hers to be completely open with me.

This sensation that had heated my stomach first, with her, had misted up my chest, almost to my heart.

Almost…

Still working on someone's armor, Wrex's playful shouting wasn't enough to break this between us—"Hey, Garrus! That another fire you feel coming on? Might make its way over here soon!"

Tinkering with the Mako, Garrus called back over his shoulder, "You're telling me! The fire alarm's sure to go off at any minute now! We need some emergency sprinklers on, stat!"

"I don't know about sprinklers! Maybe a fire hose! Better yet, we gotta drop this entire place in water!"

Scoffing in annoyance, Ashley questioned, "Again? What are they even talking about?"

This joke of theirs had gone on for way longer than it should have, if it were only that—a joke.

Now that I thought about it, my temperature implants may have been malfunctioning…causing me—or even Ashley, too—to give off this literal manifestation of our internal body heat rising whenever we were around each other.

I really didn't want to ask Dr. Chakwas about this…

"Don't worry about it," I offered, not wanting to explain.

Ashley frowned, complaining, "Kinda hard not to. They're so obnoxious. Every time you and I are in a room together, they make these same stupid jokes! Why won't they shut up already?"

Joker's message sounded over the comm, "Pulling into Armali on Thessia in the next ten minutes. It's a bright and sunny day out. Make sure you've packed all your best stuff for some extended shore leave!"

"Shit, ten minutes?!" fretted Ashley, scrambling to turn back around. "Um, I-I really need to finish this, Skipper! I told myself I would—you know, before we arrived." She then faced me, again, not wanting to show any disrespect. "I guess…we'll all be staying at Liara's Mom's house while we're here. Might be weird—I hope she's not haunting the place. But, if you want, hopefully…we can talk again soon."

Nodding in acceptance, I smiled a little. "Dismissed, Chief."

Finding enough neutrality: "Sir."

Joker had more to say, "Hey Commander, you've got a transmission incoming from the Citadel. Top-priority clearance. I think it's from the Council. Want me to patch it through to the comm room?"

Of course…

"Patch it through, Joker," I allowed.

"Aye, aye, Ma'am!"

Leaving past Wrex, who grinned at me, I chose to acknowledge him—"Wrex."

He grinned more, and chose to acknowledge me back—"Shepard."

"Behave yourself," I ordered, heading back to the elevator. "And maybe I'll see you around."

Shore leave delayed, I found myself back in the comm room instead, starting this call with the Council.

Whatever this was about, hopefully it was enough to push our mission forward. After all, it'd been months since our last solid lead on Saren's whereabouts. We had that information from Benezia about the Mu Relay, but there were dozens of systems through there. We needed something more specific.

Then again, maybe this delay was a good thing—for the others.

We had docked at a port not too far from Liara's childhood home—and Benezia's huge mansion—here in Armali, right beside a large park. I'd told my squad to go ahead and head over there without me. I had no idea how long this talk with the Council would take. And I didn't rule out the idea that someone else from the Alliance may have decided to call afterward, taking up even more of my time.

The team seemed to be in the middle of more planning for my birthday tomorrow, so indiscreet.

Now I somehow had to pretend like I didn't notice.

I guessed it was nice that they cared this much, anyway…

The turian councilor, the asari councilor, and the salarian councilor's forms appeared as this familiar tint of vague orange, almost as if they were actually here with me.

"Good day, Commander," said the asari councilor. "Thank you for accepting our call on such short notice. We understand that you are currently on shore leave on Thessia. We promise that this communication will be brief."

"I'll believe it when I see it," I commented, unconvinced.

Moving past my impatience, the turian councilor explained, "Commander, we believe we may have a new lead for you on Saren's next location. The only problem is, we're not yet able to verify if this information is correct or not. We will need some time before we can make sure if this is legitimate."

Curious now, I asked, "What kind of information might this be?"

The salarian councilor informed me, "We're awaiting information from one of our infiltration regiments out in the Traverse. Salarian Special Tasks Group. This particular unit is gathering intelligence on Saren's activities on the planet Virmire. However, we're still unable to validate the type of signal they are attempting to send us."

"This could be significant," expressed the asari councilor. "If this unit has located a solid lead on Saren, then we will want to send you to investigate. Unfortunately, we cannot ascertain that they need assistance. Thus we will need some time first."

"Yes, the message we received was little more than static," clarified the salarian councilor. "We suspect that this unit is unable to set up proper interstellar communications. Still, we will contact you as soon as we learn more."

The turian councilor stipulated, "And by that, once we have more information for you, we will expect you to drop everything and leave to Virmire right away. Not a moment later."

Arms folded, I told him, "Councilor, you're asking a lot here. What do you expect me to do? Sit around and twirl my thumbs until you call me back?"

"Need I remind you, Commander—this is about Saren. This is classified information, at the highest levels of galactic government. We will expect you to free up your schedule over the next week or so. Once we can confirm that our unit on Virmire needs you, you will be going. No questions asked. And yes, you should, in fact, sit around and twirl those thumbs of yours."

"What's with the attitude? I've done everything you asked so far! Now you're making these ridiculous demands, and you expect me to just put up with it?"

"Shepard, don't take this personally," sneered the turian councilor. "If it were any other Spectre on Saren's trail, we would obviously ask them to look into this instead. We are giving you special treatment. We expect great things from you. You should see this as an opportunity, not a punishment."

I waved him off, dismissing, "I don't have time for your patronizing bullshit, Councilor."

"Commander, I don't appreciate that kind of language—"

I disconnected the call.

The Councilors' forms disappeared from in front of me, leaving me to silence and peace again.

Joker sniggered over the intercom. "Communications cut, Commander…"

"Joker, what are you still doing here?" I asked. "I thought you left with the others."

"Nope, decided to stay for a bit," he replied. "Figured you might need me to be your operator. I guessed right, 'cause you have another call coming in! This one's from Alliance Command. Looks like a tactical briefing for you—last minute."

Sighing, I told him, "Fine, I'll get the call… But I want you to head out. Let the team know that I'll probably be here for a while. I'll make my way to Liara's place whenever the hell I'm done with this."

"Well, if you really want me to go already, I can…"

"I do, Joker," I insisted. "Now beat it. Have a good time."

"All right, if you say so! Try not to stay gone for too long. See ya, Commander."

Once he was gone, I accepted my fate, and accepted this next call.

And of course, one call led to another, and then another person had to be included, and then yet another person needed to tell me every single detail of their report, and…

And I ended up not getting to leave the comm room until evening time.

After getting a bit to eat in the mess hall, alone, and then taking a shower, I finally left the ship.

During the short walk to Liara's place, I couldn't believe how stunning her homeworld was. Such a beautiful afterglow of the sun shone at all times of the day on Thessia, affected by all the element zero in the atmosphere. This pale red, glowing orange, and the long, wide glare of the sunlight edging off of the tall, off-white skyscrapers everywhere: I fell in love with this place, with how otherworldly it was compared to Earth, existing in this fantasy of an eternal sunset's dream.

Following this long bridge next to the decorative bodies of water spread out across Armali, I almost couldn't focus on the path. I even enjoyed the way the shallow water underneath here sparkled in the light. And following that light back up, my eyes inevitably reached the buildings around me, noticing:

They looked a lot like Prothean beacons.

Rounded at the base and narrowing upward to that rectangular shape, I saw the beacons there, too.

Once I made it to the large park secluded from the rest of those skyscrapers, I saw the large mansion in the near distance, right next to the green of the grass: Liara's childhood home, blooming as a blue and silver structure of mostly glass. There had to have been at least three or four floors in this place, and at least a dozen rooms, easily able to house plenty of guests from across asari high society. Though it definitely did look fitting for a home that had belonged to an asari matriarch—and now Liara herself.

My city apartment back on Earth was nice, but it couldn't compare to this. Not on this level, anyway.

I had made that conscious decision, though. Even with all the money I had from my other career, I hated spending too much on things and on space that I didn't need. Especially while I was deployed. Still, I sort of missed home now, and I wouldn't have minded going back there sometime soon.

At the front door, the security system recognized me, allowing me to enter.

As soon as I made it inside, I felt how homely this mansion was, despite all the space around that I normally wouldn't have liked. The interior design and the furniture everywhere matched the exterior in a near-obsessive way, as if Benezia had felt the need to direct and control every fine detail. Luckily, it didn't seem like it would've been easy to get lost in here, since there were only two hallways here, one leading to the east wing where the bedrooms were, and another to the west wing where the kitchen and other living areas were.

Heading over to the living room nearby, I found Kaidan sitting at a round table in the corner, watching the TV screen in the center. He had a glass of whiskey in his hand, only sipping as he tried to keep up with the sports broadcast from Earth there on the screen. American football, it looked like.

I couldn't hear anyone else nearby. They must've been out, or someplace else in the house.

He had probably elected to stay here alone.

This far-off look in his eyes—he wasn't well.

Having monitored his mental health over these past few months, Kaidan had looked okay. But now that I was able to see him like this, when he didn't think I was around, it was clear that he had put on his best smile for me, all to keep me from noticing his pain.

"Kaidan?" I said, walking over to him.

A bit startled, Kaidan almost shook his whiskey out of the glass. "Commander! You're…you're back already? Sorry, I… I didn't see you there."

"It's almost nighttime. I got held up on the ship. What are you doing here by yourself?"

Sighing, he gestured to the TV, and explained, "Wanted to catch up on the game…you know. Couldn't grab a beer and kick back. Liara has Thessian whiskey here. Not quite the same as the Peruvian brand I prefer… Then again, I guess it's not so bad. Wanna try some? Who knows, you might like it!"

And there he went again, trying to put on a front of good spirits.

"Don't play me, Kaidan," I warned, sitting down across from him. "What's wrong? What's going on?"

Hesitating, he stared down at his drink.

Now that I wouldn't buy his faking anymore, he didn't know what to do, how to react.

Then Kaidan finally told me, "Honestly, Commander, I didn't think you'd ask… Didn't think you'd find me here, either. I mean, when's the last time we had a non-work-related conversation? Tried to have a conversation? Think it was after Eden Prime, months ago. You said you didn't want to be bothered with my thoughts, my observations on how Ash likes you. So I left you alone. That was it…"

"And that upsets you?"

"Of course it upsets me, Ma'am… I'm your second-in-command. That's just how you see me. We're not friends, we're not pals. You ignore me on the ship whenever possible. You don't see me… You don't."

"Kaidan, are you still struggling with what happened on Feros?"

"Struggling," he echoed, hollow. "Struggling…you think I'm struggling. If that's the case, then…I guess I am. I guess I am—struggling, again. All over again, like I did years ago…"

I set aside how uncomfortable I was with this baggage of his.

I couldn't blame him for it.

From his file, I knew that Kaidan had dealt with a number of struggles and setbacks in his life. He put on a brave face for everyone else. But now, now that he had suffered this next setback with his mental health, I wasn't positive that he could simply bounce back and be okay again.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you on the ship," I expressed. "I didn't think you needed to speak with me."

"Well, you never asked…"

I really didn't like this.

Any of this.

Still, I was responsible for whatever happened to him. Right now, I had to be the best leader for him.

So I continued, "And if I had asked you to talk to me one-on-one, what would you have said?"

Kaidan drank, once, scrunching his face in bitterness, before replying, "Then I would've told you…how empty I feel, all the time. All the damn time. No heart, no soul. Just—an empty shell of a man, broken. Nothing special about me. Nothing unique about me, besides being a human biotic, a freak who used to be addicted to the wrong things. Nothing…remarkable about me… Nothing at all."

"This feeling of emptiness… When I don't speak to you on the ship, does that make things worse?"

Grabbing his head, he nodded.

"Yeah, it does," he groaned out, hoarse. "Do you hate me, Commander? Do you look at me and see nothing? Is that why you don't give a damn about me? I disgust you with this, don't I?"

All over again, Anderson's letter came flooding back to me: his warnings that my team might have lost faith in me unless I worked to maintain their morale.

I'd assumed that I was fine, basically outsourcing that responsibility among the squad themselves.

Apparently not for Kaidan, not for him.

"You don't disgust me," I told him. "And I don't hate you. Why is this such a big deal for you?"

"I'm nothing like you, Ma'am," lamented Kaidan, more. "You're a legend. A hero. An icon. Compared to you, I might as well not exist!" He drank again, finishing the blue-gold of his whiskey. "You know, it's no wonder all the girls are crazy about you. They're losing their minds over you, Shepard… Someone's gonna lose it, and something terrible is gonna happen. And you know why? Because you're just…that…great. You're that amazing. You're incredible."

That was it.

He couldn't keep going like this.

"Kaidan, I appreciate the compliments," I attempted. "But right now, I'm concerned about you. Doesn't matter how much you've had to drink. The things you're saying, they're getting to the heart of who you are. Your struggles. Your own self-worth. You don't have to keep suffering alone."

"I am sick of being alone," he agreed, his eyes misted by a painful fog. "There's something else you're saying, isn't there? What is it? Lay it on me."

"You need to see a counselor about this, at minimum. Soon. This is non-negotiable."

Kaidan lowered his head, accepting this quickly enough: "You're… You're right, Commander. I might need—I need…some professional help with this. It's getting more difficult by the day to keep…trying."

"Then I'll make arrangements for us to get you to the Citadel—"

"—Commander, wait!" he tried. "Not the Citadel. Not there. We were just there yesterday! If you take me back there now, the others might know. If they found out… If they got wind that I'm not well, it'd only make things worse for me. Can't we go someplace else instead? Somewhere secure?"

"That depends," I bargained. "Will you be able to hold out for our plans to stay here on Thessia for the next few days? The shore leave might do you some good."

"It would," agreed Kaidan. "I can hold out until then… I'll—try to be more social, while I'm here."

Checking my omni-tool for suggestions, there was really only one solution.

Going back home to America, for me:

"After we leave Thessia," I said, "I'll tell Joker to get us to Earth. We can go to the main Alliance Navy base in Coronado, down in San Diego. Make an appointment to speak with one of the counselors. Aside from Ashley, the rest of the team won't be able to get onto the base and possibly find you. No one will have to know. We'll stay there for as long as we can, at least until you find a way to move forward."

Kaidan managed to give me a genuine smile this time.

"Thanks, Commander," he expressed. "That's…pretty thoughtful of you. Sorry it took this much for me to reach out for help. I just—I didn't wanna let you down, you know? You're counting on me, and…"

I stood and went over to Kaidan, setting my hand over his broad shoulder. "I'm counting on you to get the help you need. Don't worry about the rest. Your health is more important. We can't lose you, Lieutenant. I can't lose you. So, for now, I want you to enjoy yourself while we're here. All right?"

Kaidan stood up with me, smiling brighter. "Yes, I understand."

"Good," I replied. "We should go find the others. Any idea where they are?"

Picking up his empty glass, Kaidan led me down the next hall. "They're just through here," he guided. "Over in the other, bigger living room, connected to the kitchen and the sliding glass doors. The park out there is really beautiful. And this place is huge…"

Before we could even make it to that living room, I heard everyone's loud voices from down the hall.

Arriving to this wide, high-ceilinged space, we found Wrex and Garrus on their feet next to the gigantic TV against the wall, even bigger than the one Kaidan had watched in the other room. Standoffish, Wrex shook his head, appearing to be in an argument with Tali sitting on the gray suede couch nearby.

Garrus had the remote in his hand, cycling through a bunch of movies.

Joker sat next to Tali, scoffing over the argument; chiming in every so often.

As Kaidan went to sit with them on the couch, I finally understood what they were arguing over.

"Wrex, this isn't fair!" complained Tali. "You said that I get to pick the next film we're going to see! I gave you my suggestion. Now you and Garrus decide to team up against me? This isn't a democracy! I waited in line, and this is what I want us to watch together!"

"Nuh-uh, Tali," scolded Wrex. "No one wants to watch your cheesy little chick flicks. I don't wanna watch 'em. Feels like I'll turn into a little girl myself if you turn that thing on."

Tali raged at him, "Don't be ridiculous! Besides, what's wrong with turning into a little girl?!"

Wrex pretended to sniffle. "Maybe I'm allergic."

"Ohh, don't you get started on that…"

Joker sighed in exasperation. "Guys, come on!" he protested. "We've been arguing about this for like fifteen minutes! I'll watch Tali's damn chick flick if we have to. There, I said it! Rules are rules, right?"

"Wow, Joker," said Garrus. "Can't believe you actually want to watch the romantic tragedy between a turian and a quarian that is Fleet and Flotilla. I thought you'd be—allergic to that kind of thing."

"My popcorn's getting cold! I don't care what we watch, all right?! I just wanna stuff my face already!"

Kaidan excused himself to the kitchen to refill his glass, since this would be a long night of being social.

Where was Ashley, anyway?

I was so put-off by this damned yelling, I didn't think to look in the kitchen—not even when I heard Kaidan sharing warm words with someone in there.

While everyone kept going back and forth, I was about to make my way out.

Intercepting me in the hall, by chance, I found Liara passing by.

We both stopped at the same time.

I stared down at her, and she stared right back up at me.

Catching herself first, Liara found enough of her voice to say, "Shepard, I'm…glad I found you. I wasn't sure if you were still on the ship. Joker told us that you would likely be there for a while."

Pushing down these lingering feelings for her, still, I responded, "Yeah, it was one call after another. I couldn't get away. Sorry I'm late."

Liara smiled at me, warm with patience. "It's all right. You're here now. That's what matters."

I stopped myself from smiling back at her too much.

Now that this time had passed, it was as if my grievances with her had all but disappeared.

Yet I knew better than to dwell on that, to put too much stock into that.

"Liara," I prompted her. "You said you're glad you found me. Were you waiting for me to get here?"

Shy all of a sudden, Liara replied in a lower tone, so smooth, "I was, actually… I wanted to ask if you would come out with me tomorrow morning. Now that you are here with me on my homeworld, there are certain things—and places—I would like to show you. But I will understand if you'd rather decline…"

"Is this supposed to be…a date?"

"Yes."

Heart pounding like crazy, I asked, "A friendly date? Or a romantic one…?"

Liara smiled again, rather sad. "That depends on you, Shepard," she specified. "Whatever the mood ends up being, I wish to have a conversation with you. Away from the ship, from the others. I know that I have left far too much unsaid these days. More than anything, I want to correct this. Will you join me?"

She had picked this timing, this day—tomorrow—on purpose.

She had to know that it was my birthday.

Considering how thoughtful she was, I couldn't turn her down.

"That's fine, Liara," I accepted. "We can meet up at seven. Where will I find you?"

"Here, in this living room," decided Liara. "As you can see, the sliding glass doors lead out to the park. I spent much of my childhood out in that grass. I would like for us to walk around there first."

"Sounds good to me."

"Thank you, Shepard. I must be off now to take care of a few matters… I will see you in the morning."

I stepped aside and out of her way, letting Liara walk by me through the hallway.

Even though I was glad she didn't seem too broken up about our situation, it still made me wonder:

What was she biding her time for, and why was it special enough to keep her so normal like this?

Needing a drink, I passed through the living room, headed for the adjacent kitchen.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Garrus grinning as he held up the remote, way out of reach from Tali, who kept trying to jump up to reach the device, to snatch it out of his hand.

Kaidan walked by me on his way out the kitchen, in a much better mood from earlier. Cold beer in-hand this time, he nodded as we made eye contact, making his way back to the commotion over by the TV and couches. I returned his nod, deciding that I didn't want any beer. I couldn't stand the taste of it.

Maybe some Thessian wine, if Liara had any here—just to try some…

After that, I had no idea how I would spend the rest of the evening.

I figured I could sneak back to the ship, back to my room.

Maybe I could play my third-person shooter in peace—

"—shit, sorry!"

Stopping right under this tall archway of the bright, open kitchen, I had nearly bumped into Ashley here.

Stopping herself, Ashley clutched onto the blue bottle of wine cooler in her hand, to keep from dropping it, shattering the glass to the marble flooring.

She stopped there, stayed there, staring up at me in apology…

Here, in this lighting—with the brightness shining in from the kitchen's tall, tall windows—I felt as if I had been transported to some other time, a different place.

Ashley had definitely done something new with her hair.

Leaving it down for once, all the way down, I saw her differently.

She'd had it professionally cut and layered, letting it fall right down her shoulders, down to her chest.

The layering, the sleekness of the dark brown there—almost black in illusion: Ashley had shaped the left side as that layered, round sleekness, and tucked the right side behind her ear. Such a simple, imprecise thing to do, probably off-hand and without much thought behind it… And yet the way this new style fit her face, it brought out an unexpected softness in her, even as she relaxed her apology to her doe-eyed misunderstanding, oblivious to why I stared at her so.

Doe-eyed, as only Ashley could get away with in my heart: shaped by the kindness of her eyes, shaped even more by the natural thickness, and darkness of her lashes, so enticing. Fanning out, the fine follicles of her untouched brows outlined her face in a masterclass of proportions, raised at just the right distance above her eyes. Her eyes, I found myself mesmerized by, as this dark of her widened pupils extended up and into the lushness of her brows. Spots of light, spaced so right, they dazzled the actual color of her irises, of the dark brown there that I had never allowed myself to gaze into this deeply.

And I still couldn't, not yet—not in my moderate shyness.

I traced my stare instead down the straight angle of her nose. The strength of her bridge, pulling her face together in a toughened edge, offset so by the softness of her cheekbones, so womanly in looks.

Ashley's skin had reddened, and remained red with my eyes on her like this. But it was such a pleasant shade. So very pleasant, highlighting the random spacing of the darker, freckle-like pigmentations scattered over her skin in attractiveness. Not a single layer of foundation to cover any of it. No mascara to thicken her already-thick lashes. No powder to conceal the slight shine over her T-section of her nose and her brow, letting her keep her child-like brightness.

More brightness, far more so in her incredible lips, parted just so as she looked at me, wanting subconsciously—not on purpose, not in any real awareness—for me to kiss her.

Out of everyone I had kissed in my life, Ashley was the only one who made me melt at the mere thought of kissing her again, as perfect and divine as her lips were, so firm and welcoming, like a warm hug.

And her eyes again.

The way this dark brown existed in her irises, it had pulled me in, all the way.

The way the color didn't quite fill her eyes, jagged and stretched more by the width of her pupils.

All at once, in my vanity, I realized that Ashley's effortless looks were everything to me.

I had lived a life of fashion, living and breathing style to survive back at home.

I had an eye for style like no other. This eye had helped me survive. This sight of mine had kept me alive.

Aside from this simple haircut, Ashley didn't even have to try at all, and already she was…

Waking up from her own trance, she raised her free hand to her cheek, investigating.

Ashley then asked in cluelessness, "Is there something on my face?"

And she was such a fucking airhead sometimes, ruining this romantic moment—I wanted to laugh.

I finally felt this eternal heat for her breach my heart.

No longer confined to my stomach, to my lower chest alone, I felt everything for her, short of knowing the sexual bliss we would inevitably have. Just short of knowing that, still, it didn't matter. I had already given her a taste; she had already given me a bigger taste in dreaming, in writing.

It was too late for me to turn this back off, to ever shut it off—in case of emergency.

Fight or flight response: I turned around and left, leaving her standing there, shouting after me—

"Shepard, hey!" called Ashley, even as everyone else continued to argue, not hearing her. "Will you get back here?! What was that all about? Where are you going?"

I cloaked.

I escaped down the hall.

I left the house.

I left, even as Ashley ran out the front door after me, unable to follow me beyond that point. She couldn't see the slight glimmer of my invisibility underneath the pale red of this sunset glow. She couldn't think to follow me back to the ship, my destination now—my only one, my obvious one. As good luck for me, she didn't see that only, that obvious, likely assuming I had disappeared to go on some random walk, away from her.

Retreating back to the safety of the Normandy, back to my room, I needed to see the rest for myself.

I chose to avoid Ashley in-person one last time, instead facing this one final thing—hard and fast.

Back in my private cabin, I had switched the settings on my omni-tool on the way here:

Unavailable.

I didn't want anyone calling me, disturbing me.

Not even Ashley.

Not yet, not now.

Sitting down at my desk in a rush, I used my terminal to pull up my email. Already, Ashley had sent me a new message, seeing as I was unavailable for her to call me:

From: Ashley – You left?

Shepard,

Why'd you run off like that?

Where did you go?

Call me.

-Ashley

I couldn't respond to her now.

I couldn't call her now.

I could only focus on one thing at a time right now.

Finding that other email chain from her—Hard and fast—I went back to the same email I had re-read earlier. Three attachments here from Ashley: two pictures, and one video message. Hovering my mouse over the first picture, I swallowed this air down my throat, needing to swallow more from her, already.

One thing at a time.

One thing at a time.

I clicked on the first picture from Ashley in this message, opening it.

Searing me, the full monitor of my screen expanded with this showing of her skin, her body—teasing.

Topless, she wrapped her arm just around her breasts, only showing me the perfect length of her cleavage, keeping me from seeing everything.

Her other arm, her omni-tool arm, she had angled just enough to show that she had used it to take this picture of herself.

Her shoulders and her arms, lean and fit, but still angled in softness all at once, and the gorgeous slope of her collar bone—her skin radiated in this light, giving off an aura of how much she wanted me.

Her loose hair spilled down to her back, longer than today, and shaped around and out of the way.

And she had kept most of her face out of the picture, only showing me her lips:

That cocky, confident quirk of her lips shining in the light of the room, so thick in lusciousness.

This angle, this lighting, this tease from her—this was pure art.

She had absolutely picked up a thing or two from my photo shoots, from the fashion magazines I was in.

Ashley knew exactly what she was doing with this. She knew…how to stimulate my mind, how to surprise me:

Because the second picture was this same subject of her, this same view of her—this time with her face. With the continuation of that cocky smirk, and with her eyes edged in such knowing amusement, knowing that I couldn't resist: she knew that I wanted her. She knew that I craved her, and that I still forced myself to sit here and look, keeping myself caged here in my control.

Because if I gave in right at this very second…

Then I would have gone back to find her.

Back to Liara's house.

Back to the living room, where Ashley likely sat with the others, probably not even watching whatever movie they'd finally picked out, instead stewing over my strangeness and my silence.

And if I gave in, I would have gone up to Ashley on that couch she was on, and tore her clothes off with everyone around, with everyone watching. I would have pinned her down and fucked her right then and there, non-stop. I would have claimed her, humiliating her in front of everyone, reducing her to this whining mess that I couldn't stop thinking about, couldn't stop imagining.

I was such a monster, deep down.

Still, I knew that Ashley wanted this from me, and not deep down—but right on her heart over her sleeve, for me…for me, and no one else, since she had way too much pride, and for good reason.

I was about to open the vid message she'd attached.

I needed a drink first.

Going to my mini-refrigerator, I found a pre-mixed cocktail of Blue Thessia that I'd saved: fruit juice, vodka, cognac, white wine, and a sweet blue Thessian wine. Since I only had wine glasses—only had room for wine glasses—I poured some of the azure drink in one, before stowing the rest of it away.

I had saved this for the eventual trip I knew we would take to Thessia at some point, for Liara.

When I'd bought it, Ashley and I had been in the middle of a fight—over Liara, pointlessly so—and not speaking to each other. Because I was mad at Ashley at the time, I had wondered if I might not have wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with her at some point. Because I knew she would ask me eventually. Because I knew she would want to set that condition, despite what she'd said when making her case before, about changing my mind: how she could never ask me to leave Liara's side.

At that time, I had entertained the idea that I'd go back to Liara instead, if only to get away from Ashley's audacious drama. But I had felt stuck, because I was secretly turned-on by her drama, by how much Ashley wanted me and valued me—even to the point of making her feel insecure at times.

That, and I found it incredibly hot how Ashley just had no brakes whatsoever, unlike me…

Not that I would ever admit this to her.

Seeing this bottle of Blue Thessia mix at a store on the Citadel down in the Wards, I'd thought of the double-meaning: how I had walked away from the chance to take Liara's virginity for myself.

Asari blood was purple.

This drink was very much blue, but with the right extra ingredients, it could've been purple instead.

Once I'd realized where my mind had gone back then, I had felt sick to my stomach. Because, again, even though Ashley and I weren't in a relationship, we might as well have been. She got on my case over another woman like this. She hated when other women gave me attention, or flirted with me, or even stared at me from a distance—especially if they were pretty, and especially if she knew that I knew they were pretty. She understood that I could've been a real player and a heartbreaker if I wanted to be.

So I had bought the bottle anyway, of the mind to drink the cocktail only when I could fully accept Ashley's drama for what it was. Not with the expectation that my acceptance would keep us from ever fighting again in the future. Far from it. Though I had still apologized to her soon after—regardless of whether the argument was really my fault or not. I always had to apologize first in these instances. But she'd appreciated it then, as she had every other time, loving that I chose to set my pride aside for her.

And now I took the drink back to my desk with me, preparing myself to accept her completely.

All of her—not just her drama, her stubbornness, her insecurities, her unfairness at times.

All of her, as she was, as this unbelievable woman I was going to fall in love with someday.

Ashley was bound to email me again soon.

I wanted to watch at least one of her vids before she did, and before I felt obligated to finally call her.

Taking a sip of this heady sweetness, I opened the attachment with Ashley's vid message to me:

Similar posing, similar lighting—Ashley was on her bed in the crew's quarters, over her stomach, and looking right at me. The way she covered her breasts with her arm, and that cocky smirk of hers, wanting something so damn specific in her mouth then—she breathed with that one thing in mind, giving me this moment to really take her in. And even though she wore nothing up top, she angled her body just enough to show me the tight black pants she wore, alluring in that outline of her strong legs.

Still smirking, Ashley spoke directly to me, so full of her sexy confidence: "Hey, Shepard… I already know you're not gonna watch this any time soon. Not right after I send it to you. Probably not for a while. That's okay, though… Once you finally see me like this, I have a feeling I'll be able to tell. You won't admit it on your own. I know you won't. You're so stubborn—it drives me crazy sometimes…

"But, you know what else drives me crazy? I've been thinking…about the few times I managed to get you to talk about sex, what you like. You were kinda vague when we talked about it last. Was it because I only kept asking you about vanilla things? I'm not exactly experienced in the same ways you are—I'd want us to start off normal, at least the first couple of times you take me. After that—I think I know what you really want. What you won't talk about. Maybe you think it'll scare me. It doesn't."

Ashley waited here for a moment.

She just…looked at me with the suggestion of what she planned on saying next.

I hadn't intended to bring this up with her yet, if at all.

If Ashley would've preferred us to have a vanilla relationship, then I wouldn't have minded. The intensity we shared already was stimulating enough.

But Ashley wanted more.

She wanted everything with me…

"I wanna know, Shepard. You're the dominant type, aren't you? You're used to using your power to get what you want. You love it when a woman's completely submissive to you. That exchange of trust… I get the idea behind it. I want to experience it with you one day, and every day after that. I want you deep inside my heart, and my mind, enough to turn me on… I need you to show me all the things I never knew I wanted, to expand my horizons. And I've already started on my own, sort of.

"I want to be submissive to you…but not always. Not every time. It's automatic for me to do it these days, because of our situation… I'm not supposed to get aroused whenever you give me an order, but I do—and I fight harder with that feeling. It's like a high, a shot of pure adrenaline. But, sometimes…I think about taking you instead. Sometimes…about half the time. I want to top you. I want to know how you sound, how you feel underneath me. I want you to trust me. I want you to let go with me…

"I know—it's a lot to ask for. It's a lot to want, a lot to need. You more or less said that you never let anyone touch you. You didn't mention if it's because you don't like it, or if it's just a trust thing. Right now, today, I can't see you giving up your power like that. And I'm really not sure if it's a mistake for me to bring this up at all… I guess, for now, I only want you to think it over. Someday, I hope you can trust me enough to let me feel you completely. I want you to love me like that, too. It could be beautiful."

Ashley smiled at me in sincerity, and in her own love, before ending the vid.

Only a black screen over my vid player—and my face had reddened with this steaming ardor of mine.

No one had ever dared to be that forward with me. And I'd had a fleeting feeling, before, that if Ashley was into power plays, then she probably would've been a switch. Her strong personality, and mine—I had worried in the past that we would only clash when it came to this, and that I never could've trusted her like this, to let her in completely.

Now that she had said the words, I felt this back-and-forth, this switch of my own, switching on and off:

As much as I saw myself fucking Ashley down to the bone one day soon, I could see the opposite, too.

I could see myself wanting her like that.

I held my head, reeling over this, just before another email from her came in:

From: Ashley – Re: You left?

Shepard,

I'm not messing around here.

I'm worried about you. I don't know where you are. I'm going to start freaking out soon.

I need an explanation.

Just fucking call me already.

Now.

-Ashley

I called her through our private frequency.

Ashley didn't respond right away, likely surprised that I had called her right away—this time.

She'd said to call her now, and I was turned on by her sense of urgency about this, so…

"Shepard, what the hell?!" shouted Ashley, sounding like she was on her way to a different room. "Why'd you just bail like that? You're staring at me one minute, then gone the next! Did you go back to the ship? Back to your cabin where I can't follow you?! If you needed some space, you could've said so!"

I spoke from my heart, with this low husk in my voice, deep from my throat, "I'm sorry, babe…"

Ashley paused.

Just like I knew she would.

Catching her breath, her own voice lightened in breathlessness, "What…?"

Firmer, deeper: "I said I'm sorry, babe."

Harder Ashley worked to breathe, nearly light-headed in her disbelief.

"No… No, Shepard, no… You can't do that. You can't—say that to me, like I'm… It isn't fair."

I told her, again, "Babe, it was my bad. I wasn't thinking straight. I shouldn't have left you like that. I understand I made you worry. I hear you, Ash. Let me make it up to you…"

So light, so breathy, "Oh, my God… There's no way… No way you just said that to me."

"Ash—"

"—no, Shepard, I… I-I didn't plan on any of this happening—not any time soon. Not today, not tonight. I mean, I figured… I thought I would be the one to keep doing this. I never thought I'd get to hear you like this… Not for months. Maybe even years… And now…"

Making sure that this wasn't the alcohol talking, I made myself clear: "I want you, Ashley. I want you, all of you. Everything about you. I want you to be with me—"

She panicked, "—fuck… Fuck!" Forcing her senses back in place, Ashley told me, "Shepard, if that's really true… If—if you're not actually drunk right now, and…and if you're not just saying whatever… Then I need you to say it in person. Not like this… I need you to look into my eyes while you tell me."

I stood up from my desk. "Then I'll go back over there to you—"

"—damnit, no! No! Not yet! Are you… Are you drunk right now?! Is that it?"

"Ash, I'm not drunk," I replied, letting her hear the sobriety in my voice. She groaned, loudly. "What's going on? Why can't you believe what I'm saying?"

"…because, it's you. You. And…and maybe I don't believe you've gotten everything out of your system."

"What is there to get out of my system? What do you mean?"

Agonizing, Ashley said, "What else could I mean? Liara! I know you still want her!"

"Fucking hell, Ashley, I'm not talking about Liara right now!"

"Well I am! You still wanna fuck her, don't you? You feel like you missed out! You didn't get to take her virginity! And don't fucking lie to me, Shepard—I know you! I know how you feel… You think I didn't see her talking to you in the hall earlier? The way you two looked at each other… God, it pissed me off…"

I nearly lost it—"Then why didn't you say that when I almost ran into you?!"

"You left, remember?! You left, you bailed! I thought you went after her!"

"Goddamnit, the only time I ever think about Liara like this is when you bring her up! Why do you always insist on starting these motherfucking arguments over her?!"

"Did you not hear me? I said you still want her! You do! You're not even denying it!"

"Ashley, there's always going to be someone else that I'm attracted to! It's inevitable; it's how shit works! What matters is that I chose you! I picked you, and I want to be with you, no matter how much you piss me off like this!"

When she paused again, I thought that I might have gotten through to her.

Instead, Ashley chose to ram right back up against my head—"I'll believe it when I see it, lover girl. I learned my lesson with you. I'm not just gonna get down on my knees and be oh so grateful that you chose me—not anymore, now that you've admitted this. You're used to me being submissive to you. You're used to giving out the orders while I take them. Not with this. Hell no."

The one fucking time I finally give her my heart, and this was what happened?

"What are you talking about?" I questioned. "Why do you keep bringing up shit that doesn't matter?! Why are you acting like this? Can't we just have one conversation without you blowing up at me?"

"No, Shepard, we can't!" yelled Ashley, incensed again. "That was easy enough to do before, back when I thought you'd never really make up your mind about me. I was ready to go at your pace, exactly like I promised. And I did that! You changed the game now. You're the one asking me out! You put power in my hands, and you're wondering why I'm acting like this?!"

"Damnit, Ash, I don't understand you—"

"—don't give me that bullshit! You do understand me! You know what I want, and you know why I won't say the words out loud! You're just ignoring it because of your stupid pride!"

I almost sputtered, "Are you asking me to kick her off the ship?!"

Ashley derided me, "No, I'm not. Who's the one bringing up Liara now? I wasn't even talking about her."

Nearly losing it, again—"Ash, you did NOT just fucking twist this around back on me! Stop being such a brat! Stop being so unfair! Just tell me what you want already!"

She laughed softly, venomous. "You know exactly what I want, Shepard. You always do… Stop playing dumb. It's not a good look on you. If you want me to be yours, then give me what I need. Do what I expect, what I crave from you. If you can't do that, then I'll know where we stand."

Ashley hung up in my face.

In a raging reflex, I called her right back.

She picked up right away, aggravated: "What?"

Beyond pissed off, controlling myself—"I wasn't finished, Ash."

"Well, I was," she sassed. "And you sound like you're still pissed off. Look, I don't wanna do this again. Don't call me back if all you're gonna do is argue. Don't come over here starting a fight, either. Your intuition's like a knife against my mind, cutting away at every single thought I have. Your head is right against my heart… You know what I want from you! How's it not obvious by now? Have you not been paying attention to me?! Seriously, stop playing dumb! If you want all of me, you'll prove it. So prove it."

Ashley hung up on me again!

Son of a bitch…

I resisted the urge to call her back—again—choosing to stew with this instead.

Drinking more from my half-full glass, I pulled from this well of my feelings for Ashley, and worked to put these pieces together. But even as I somehow kept my anger at bay, I felt like I couldn't accept the only answer. I couldn't reckon with this singular solution in the back of my head, tingling and reverberating as the only, obvious thing that she wanted from me.

So I watched a few more of her vid messages, trying to fill in these supposedly missing clues.

As much as my mouth watered from her teasing, and as much as I couldn't tear my eyes from the screen, I had those singular answers reinforced.

I found more supporting evidence, even more, in some of the things that Ashley said to me:

"You're a real boss, Shepard, but I know you. I know what you really are. You wanna please the woman you're with. You want to get on your knees in front of her; do whatever she says. And you'd do anything for her…once you get rid of your pride."

"Would you drop down and kiss my legs if I told you to? Would I even have to say the words first? If you felt it from me—if you felt what I wanted—would you give it to me on your own? Without me needing to ask? If you could, then it'd be a dream come true… Sometimes, I don't want to speak. I want you to just know. To just—give me what I want, right then and there. Read my mind. Feel me. Love me…"

"Maybe I shouldn't admit this. Maybe it's way too soon… I want you to make me the center of your universe, Shepard. As hard as you work for the rest of the galaxy, I want you to work twice as hard to satisfy me. And I know I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I can be a major brat sometimes when I don't get my way. I wish I could change that… I wish I could be perfect for you. But I can't. All I can be…is consistent, for you. You know what you're up for with me. Everything I do, and everything I am, is for you.

"I know you, Shepard. I know what you're scared of. I know the things you won't say out loud. You're scared of getting attached to someone; falling in love with them. You're afraid of losing them once you do. Or you're terrified that you'll get so attached, you won't be able to shut off and protect yourself anymore once things go wrong. Hell, I'm scared of turning you off with how ridiculous I am. I'm always terrified I'll wake up to an email from you one day, saying you can't do this anymore. That you're sick of me. You're tired of me. All of that. But I keep going, because I know you want me to be real with you.

"I completely understand why you feel this way… I only wish you could see that I'm not going anywhere. I love you to death. I'm always going to love you. I'm always going to be here—living with you, fighting with you, learning with you. Deep in my heart, I know you want to do the same for me, too. Swear to God, I feel how much you have it in you. I cling to it, so hard. And I want you to believe in that. Please…"

After about an hour of this, I couldn't keep denying the truth.

The only, obvious truth.

Ashley wanted me to take her as she was—or not at all.

Even if it meant staying in this limbo together, she needed me to be all or nothing about this.

And not only that.

There was way more, not-so-hidden in the context of this power dynamic she craved with me.

Was this fair? Would she be fair with me if I did this?

Ashley was always fair, and sweet, and loving again—only after I apologized and made things up to her…regardless of whether the fight was my fault or not…

I should have resented her by now, just like I had when my exes had tried to do this with me.

Why…didn't I resent her, at all?

Maybe because she loved me so much, nothing could stick. Nothing could build, or collect, or decay.

Almost shivering with these fears of mine, I managed to subdue myself.

I called her back.

Ashley picked up, sounding terse in her false neutrality—"Hey."

I remained subdued: "Hey…"

She noticed this change, and changed a bit herself. "…you sound different."

Feeling my neck heat up over this lovely sound of her voice, I confirmed, "I do, yeah…"

"Why, Shepard? What changed?"

"I know what you want from me."

Ashley gave herself away in the quivering breath she let out, still trying to keep her tone steady: "And what do you think I want?"

"If we're going to be together, then you want to be in charge. You want me to please you. You want me to do what you want, as long as I want it, too. You have to have things your way or not at all. You need me to make you the center of my universe. I'm prepared to do that."

Breathing harder in her fulfillment, she made my last point for me, "Even with all that…you still need me to be fair. Reward you. Show you my appreciation."

"That goes without saying," I confirmed. "But if I'm going to do this, then you have to understand—it's only between us, personally. The second work is involved, I'm in charge. No questions asked."

Making yet another point—"Yes, Sir…"

I already knew what she would say; I had my follow-up ready—"It's your call, then, Ash."

Ashley responded as I'd predicted: "…I'm not ready to give you my answer yet. I want to see how shore leave goes. And I want to see you tomorrow. I want to spend the whole day with you. All day, all night."

"We can do that," I promised. "I'll be over there by noon."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best… Something tells me I'm going to be up all night with everyone. I'm surprised you can't hear them—it's like a madhouse in the living room. Should be fun, though…"

"Ashley."

Sounding a bit dazed: "Hmm?"

"When you're ready to give me your answer, I need you to have a contract for us to sign."

Taken aback, she fought not to stutter, "You mean—a contract? Like, with what we agreed on just now, and—a list of…the things I want from you… For later. Way later on."

"Yes, that's right," I responded. "If you have to do some research first, by all means, go ahead. Make a list of what you're interested in, what you want from me, what you expect from me. I'll look it over. If I'm not into something, I'll let you know. We'll talk about it. We can adjust the contract later if something comes up—if something changes. Just be sure to include the safe word you want."

"But, Shepard… What don't you like? I-I've never done this before, and…and I don't want to mess up."

I already knew: "Let's just say I don't need a whip to make you scream out in pleasure and pain."

Ashley hissed her breath in, and out, straight through her teeth.

She may have known exactly what she wanted out of me in a relationship—but I was still allowed and able to flip the script on her whenever I felt the need.

She was a brat.

I knew how to handle her type.

"Okay…so you're not into those toys," she figured out. "Those tools. You're more into…raw power, on a mental level. On an emotional one. You'd rather use your body, your words. Your presence. Your intensity. You love mind fucks. Does that sound about right…?"

"That's right, Ashley," I said, patronizing just enough.

Another hiss, and a barely-concealed whine. "I can't believe the way you…you switched on me like that. I'm only now noticing, and—and you're good. You're too good. It scares me…but I really like it. Still, you have to be fair with me, Shepard… You're way more powerful than I am. Go easy on me for now?"

"Already planned on it, babe."

Ashley's beaming smile sounded through her voice, "Mmm, that works for me… Hey, why don't you give me time to do my research tonight? I'll hang out with the others first; wait until they fall asleep. I already know they'll be on my case if I don't go back out there soon. Ugh, they're already looking for me…"

"Go ahead," I allowed. "I'll stay here tonight. You should spend some time with everyone."

"I know," she accepted. "It's too bad, that's all. I wanted to see you at midnight…"

Smirking, I kept my amusement out of my voice, "Why?"

"Uh…n-no reason! Just…just to see you."

Ashley was so damn sweet.

Maybe next year.

"If you say so, Ash," I told her.

She laughed softly, barely containing her glee with me. "All right, then… And Shepard, bring your video games tomorrow. Definitely that shooter you mentioned a few times—you know, with the N7 characters? I wanna watch you play. Maybe you can teach me the ropes!"

"Yeah, I'd like that. I'll bring it over for you."

"Good! Can't wait to see you again. Bye for now…"

"Bye, Ashley."

Even after we hung up, I knew that this night with her wasn't yet over.

Indirectly, at least.

I finished my drink, staring at some of Ashley's pictures as I did, before logging out of my terminal.

I took another shower, to make sure no one would be able to smell the day on me.

I then headed back to Liara's place, cloaking to invisibility once I was close enough.

Nighttime partying amped up, the team hardly held back on this first evening of shore leave. Music blasting, synth sounds practically waving through the walls, I was impressed with this atmosphere. Benezia's highbrow, ultra-classy mansion had been taken down a peg, at least, all for everyone's amusement and enjoyment, having turned into a nightclub with picture windows and high ceilings.

I took extra care in navigating these halls, the walls reddened by the light glare of the music video blasting through the gigantic TV screen in the living room. Not quite a college frat party, but definitely not a civilized gathering: I couldn't help feeling like everyone would have cut back a lot if they knew I was here, not wanting to get too fucked up around me.

Still, aside from the drinking game going on right now in the living room, everyone seemed to be fine.

Standing around the coffee table by the couches, Wrex and Joker took turns knocking back shots. Sitting down nearby on one of the couches, Tali egged them on, sipping her one drink through a straw. Kaidan sat next to her, expressing disbelief that Joker could somehow keep up with Wrex—so far, at least.

Liara wasn't here.

Off in a corner by the kitchen and the sliding glass doors, Garrus stared outside, drinking. Every so often, he would glance into the kitchen, looking at Ashley there. And Ashley took her time sifting through the refrigerator, deciding what she wanted to drink. She eventually settled on another one of those blue wine coolers she'd had earlier, and left back to the living room.

She found Garrus on the way there, stopping to rib him, seeming to ask why he was alone over there.

Keeping to the shadows as much as possible, I approached them, listening:

"Hey, Garrus, what's up?" asked Ashley, grinning wide. "Couldn't handle the drinking game?"

Garrus returned her grin, easy. "I'm not much for drinking games," he replied. "Prefer to keep my head on. The second I start seeing double, it means I've lost my concentration. Just feels weird."

"Totally know the feeling. I'm…trying not to drink too much tonight, either. Don't wanna deal with a hangover tomorrow. Especially not tomorrow."

"Yeah, I bet," teased Garrus. Thinking of something specific, Ashley laughed a bit, so bright. "You know, Ashley, you're really glowing tonight. Not used to seeing you smile this much. New haircut, new you. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're looking to score soon. Know what I mean…?"

Playing coy: "I don't know what you're talking about…"

Garrus chuckled. "Sure you do," he insisted, so smooth. "A lady as good-looking as you are? You must be used to getting all the attention. I bet you know just the thing to make everyone's heads turn as you walk by. And you seem like you know exactly what you want. Your confidence is definitely infectious."

Ashley almost giggled in delight—"Garrus! This is a surprise… Are you…flirting with me?"

"Well, I have to say," prefaced Garrus, "I'm not normally attracted to humans… But I can tell you're attractive, among your kind. Can't say I'm trying to hit on you, though. Besides, if I was, I wouldn't be nearly as coherent as I am now. I'm usually not that great with…actual flirting, when I am trying. I tend to get tongue-tied. Saying all the wrong things. Missing my chances. Not a pretty sight."

Laughing with him, Ashley let herself smile fully. "That's still sweet of you to say," she told him, flattered. "I had no idea I was…glowing. It's not like there's anything happening with me…"

Garrus drank from his cup, eyeing her in amusement. "Nothing's happening with you? Nothing at all?"

"Nope! Nothing going on here… Just the same old, same old. The usual!"

"Oh come on, Ashley. If you think I buy that, then I've got a bridge to sell you."

Then, Garrus gestured to Ashley, for her to follow him into the kitchen, farther away from the others.

She did so, asking, "Hey, where'd you hear that from?!"

"Tali taught that one to me," replied Garrus, leaning against the center island of marble. "Said she learned it from you. Figured I'd use it right back. You know, really drive the point home."

Ashley still tried to act coy, sipping her own wine cooler to buy time. "Not sure what point that is…"

"Are we really doing this, Chief? Playing dumb? Or should I make another joke about fire alarms? Sprinklers, to cool you and Shepard off? That should be enough to jog your memory." When all Ashley did was groan, playing it off, Garrus kept going: "Hey, think the commander's into exhibitionism? The way she looks at you sometimes, she may as well have ripped your clothes off in front of everyone—"

Glancing behind them to make sure everyone else was still in the living room, Ashley hissed at him, "Oh, my God, Garrus! I can't believe you just said that!"

Garrus pointed out, "Well, if you won't say it, then someone has to. You and Shepard have had this thing going for months now. Think we didn't notice?"

"We? You mean everyone knows?! What the hell? How!?"

"You can't tell me you're that clueless…"

"Garrus, seriously, if you're just pulling my leg…"

Drinking again, and observing her in fascination, Garrus said, "I think you think I'm joking. Right?" Ashley sighed and nodded, wracking her brain to figure out how everyone else had figured this out. "Listen, I'll help you out. Shepard and Liara have cooled off lately, after what happened on Noveria—for obvious reasons. When those two are in a room together, there are sparks, sure. When you and Shepard are together? It's pure fire, we're all burning, and everyone's just sitting there, like this is fine."

Ashley rolled her eyes, snapping, "Ugh, is that what your damn jokes are about?! Man, no wonder…"

"So, what are you waiting for?" prompted Garrus. "She wants you. You want her. Why not go for it?"

"Garrus, it's not that simple… We tried to keep it a secret before, because of Alliance regulations. Since everyone knows now, I guess there's nothing holding us back these days…"

"You guess?"

Uncertain if she should tell the truth or not, Ashley only hummed, thinking.

Garrus speculated, "This about Liara? Her feelings for Shepard?"

Smiling now, Ashley surprised me when she said, "No… I can actually deal with that. It's not a problem for me. Sure, it used to be a huge issue—I'd get jealous or whatever… Not anymore."

"Then what's holding you back?" asked Garrus. Noticing some of her reservations, he added, "Hey, I'm here to support you. Nothing we talk about leaves this room. Scout's honor, as you humans say."

Ashley smiled over his consideration. "Okay, okay," she accepted. "I'm just…really scared that she'll get sick of me one day and leave. I'll admit—I'm a total drama queen sometimes. I already know I drive Shepard crazy whenever I pick fights with her or whatever. I start shit on purpose, almost like I'm trying to drive her away. And then I'll probably force her to go, and I'll be like…well, I'm too much for her…"

"Sounds like you're self-sabotaging," spotted Garrus. "Think that's a good idea?"

Sitting on a nearby barstool, Ashley grumbled, "Of course it's not a good idea… It's a terrible idea! Shepard's going to end up hating me sooner or later, and it's gonna be all my fault!"

"Well, what does she usually do when the two of you argue? What happens?"

"At first? We have it out. She finally stops controlling herself, and she just—yells. Even if I'm pissed off and seeing red, I'm so…turned on by the way she lets go with me. You know how reserved Shepard normally is. So when I get to hear her real self, unfiltered, it's like a high… But one of us eventually shuts down the argument. Then we stop talking for a while."

Garrus wondered, "For how long?"

Ashley hummed, searching for an estimation. "Never for more than like…a day," she recalled. "Sometimes it's less than that. Just recently, we got into it again… I hung up on her. She called me right back, and—God, I fucking loved that from her… I tried so hard not to show it, since I was supposed to be mad at her… And I was…so then we kept fighting. I hung up on her again. She waited like an hour before calling back that time. She was so different—so smooth and sexy and subservient to me—and…"

"Think I figured this out the second you said you hung up on her."

"Figured this out?" asked Ashley, worried. "What do you mean?"

"You hung up on Shepard. On Commander Shepard. And she called you back, even after you did it again. I assume she chose to make up with you. Didn't bother waiting for you to cool down first—she just went for it and smoothed things over. Sound about right?"

Smiling in mischief—"Yeah…she did… So what?"

Garrus spoke the obvious, "Ashley, this is Shepard we're talking about. If she can set her pride aside like that to put you first, don't you think you have your answers?"

Not getting it at first, she only stared at him.

Sipping his drink, Garrus gave her a look—that she knew exactly what he meant.

And then Ashley grinned, delighted…before falling back to her fears.

This sounded like something that wouldn't go away with one simple conversation.

I headed back down the nearest hall, retreating far enough away to break my cloak, resetting the vague strain I felt in my head. I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to keep eavesdropping on Garrus and Ashley, since I had already overheard way too much.

Ashley's self-sabotaging…could have grown into a major issue for us.

On the one hand, I was glad to know why our arguments were so intense—even getting her off at times.

On the other, this awareness helped me see into a possible future with her—one that I didn't want to look at, to acknowledge, or to know about at all.

But wasn't this the point of my feelings for her now? To love her unconditionally someday?

And wasn't it better for me to know that Ashley struggled with this? Instead of assuming she just didn't give a fuck about stressing me out? She did care—so much so that she hesitated to tell me yes.

Armed with this knowledge, I decided to head back to the Normandy, needing to reflect on this throughout the rest of the night. If I was really going to put Ashley first, I had to learn to do the impossible. Finding patience deeper down within me, in the bones of me, the marrow of me. Drinking myself dry, all for her to fill me back up again with her appreciation…if I could survive for that long.