"I Want You" by Madonna ft. Massive Attack / "Saints" from Madlax (OST 2)

XI. Collective Unconscious

(Shepard)

Lying down in bed, surrounded by this tangible blue all around me, I turned over to look at my clock.

12:00am.

Exactly midnight.

Thirty years old.

I was supposed to be completely mature now…

Reaching under my comforter on top of me, I felt my dilemma. After I'd showered and all of that about twenty minutes ago, I had taken the time to put on my clothes for bed: one of my usual white tank tops, a regular white T-shirt on top, a pair of boxer briefs. Reinforcing that, I'd put on this tight, stretchy fabric of black under-armor on, like pants—like those yoga pants that Ashley was so fond of, despite not doing yoga herself—just to keep this in. I'd tried putting on my black sweatpants over that, as another layer, but I had kicked those off a few minutes ago.

This strap-on I wore underneath all of this: it pulsed and throbbed, petulant from being ignored.

The clothes I wore were enough to keep this latched down.

I was about to. I wanted to. Watching more of those vid messages from Ashley all night had gotten me in this perpetual mood. And I surprised myself in wanting her this way. It wasn't just about the heat, the sex—fucking. I was so close to falling into something more with Ashley, from the way her very soul pulled and tugged at mine, daring me to be bold and to fall for her, all of her.

Sex was usually a gateway for me. I knew, if it was truly meant to be, I'd feel it; I would express it to her.

The moment I could feel and hear Ashley's validation me from pleasing her—that would've been it.

I had a music playlist on through my alarm clock: simmering trip-hop, and soul, soothing in chill and in heat. These mixed beats and smart usages of samples had me entranced. Low enough volume to let me sleep, but loud enough to let me hear everything just right…I still couldn't let myself rest.

But then I would always think of Liara. How I'd had her here in my bed—how I'd lost control with her.

Now that I really let myself think about this, I realized: she gave up. Or at least it seemed like she did.

And I could admit how it bothered me so much, messing with my head. Were her personal issues more important than fighting for me? Did she not care enough to put up a fight in the same ways Ashley did? Would she have given up completely if it looked like Ashley was about to lock in a relationship with me?

What Liara and I'd had—it only lasted a few days in reality, in-person.

But those few days had changed me, indelibly so—forever. She continued to impact me, even now.

The same was true for her, otherwise she wouldn't have asked me out on this date in the morning.

Without Liara, there was no Ashley and me.

Without Liara, I wouldn't have grown, changed, or matured at all over these months.

And, realizing this, too, maybe I hadn't been able to let go of her at the drop of a dime…

Open and exposed, I felt my eyes misting and my chest constricting, finally missing her after all this time.

Missing her…and so much more, so fucking sudden, terrifying me damn near to death as I lay here.

Slipping and falling away in my exposure, that block I'd kept up, keeping Liara from feeling me: it dissolved away in the salt of this mist coating over my eyes. So transcendent, I felt her essence wrapping back around mine, lifting me to a higher plane, higher and higher than anything I had ever witnessed before. All of her knowledge, all of her experiences bolstered mine, reinforcing my mind's foundation.

Before, I had only felt Liara as my protector, my healer, soothing me in the waters of her eternal calm.

This was…new, more—having grown for me over this time, having evolved even while dormant in me.

But in this same vein, whatever dam I'd had left over my heart keeping Ashley out, those same waters had crashed right through. And I saw everything with Ash, absolutely everything, heightened and lifted by this transcendence flowing through me. So meant to be, I needed to know her, mind, body, and soul.

My last defenses, gone.

I only had one option left in case this all went south.

The Normandy's VI sent an alert to the panel behind my alarm clock. Grunting over the interruption at this hour, I sat up, leaning over my nightstand to check the panel. I wiped at my eyes to dry them, sniffling, as I saw the request: someone was in the main elevator, requesting access to come up here.

I frowned over this person's timing, but otherwise gave them my permission.

Putting my sweatpants back on, I couldn't even think to change out of my strap, my toy. Consumed by fire again—though it had never truly left me in the first place—I decided to go along with whatever this was. All of it. Not just tonight. Not just tomorrow. Whatever came from this whole situation I was in, there was really no point in fighting it any longer. I had tried doing that, and it hadn't worked.

What was that saying, about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…?

I headed over to my door, right as the person outside knocked—not quite so gentle, not quite so hard.

From that alone, I knew who this was.

I lowered my shirt and tank top down, as far as they would go over my sweatpants, concealing.

At this hiss of air from my door spreading, opening apart, I found Ashley out in the dark hall.

Infinite in her effortless allure, she had on one of the plain, oversized T-shirts that she wore to bed, and those black yoga pants of hers. Lovingly so, she had kept her hair down, as I hoped she would do out of habit from now on; and it was a bit damp, like she had recently gotten out of the shower, her rose-vanilla perfumed scent emanating. And she had her hands behind her back, holding something there.

Ashley gazed up at me through this deep indigo, so pure in her anticipation.

"Hey, Skipper," she greeted, a bit shy. "Hope I didn't wake you up. Sorry…for showing up like this."

"It's okay, Ash," I accepted. "I wasn't asleep, actually. I'm glad you're here." Stepping aside, I gestured for her to enter. "Come in. You're always welcome to see me, no matter what time it is."

"Thanks," said Ashley, smiling as she walked inside. "I know, when we talked earlier, I said I wouldn't get to see you at midnight. Figured I gave myself away… You were nice enough to not point it out. I guess since I blew the surprise, I might as well go all the way. Take the risk; come pay you a visit."

When I smiled over her consideration, she took a deep breath, steadying herself.

"Well, you're right on time," I mentioned, hoping to calm her nerves. "I'm happy you took the risk."

Ashley smiled more over the sensual ambiance around us.

"I love your taste in music," she remarked, giving me the square box she held in her hands. "And…I love you. Happy Birthday, Shepard."

Grinning without realizing it, I accepted her gift, her thoughtfulness:

A pro gaming controller, more than comfortable enough for long-term use, with customizable inputs.

And it wasn't huge, either, unlike most of these things designed for men with bigger hands than mine.

Coated with the color red, too, always reminding me of her.

"I really like it, babe… Thank you. This must have cost you a lot, though. You didn't have to do this."

"Hey, don't worry about that," she insisted. "I wanted to do something nice for you. You're always putting up with my drama. I don't know how you do it sometimes. I appreciate you…everything you do."

Enflaming as ever, Ashley held my free hand, guiding me a little farther into the room. She stopped near my desk, near this first half of my aquarium, still up the handful of steps. Stepping back against the aquarium, ethereal white-blue lights highlighting her silhouette, she seemed to want something else from me. So I set her gift down over my desk, and went over to her, right up to her, up against her body.

Subconscious, her frame almost shrunk underneath mine: smaller, shorter than me. So passive in her receptiveness, yet active in loving these differences, Ashley looked up at me in a quieted hunger. She studied my eyes, finding the light of the water reflected in the sunlight of me, melting in those rays. And she held my hand again, pulling my arm around her waist. Needing me closer, even closer, I let her feel me, almost forgetting what I still had on between me:

Ashley gasped in her pleasant surprise, pressing herself into me more.

I caught her mouth open with mine, cherishing her, this absolute heat undiminished.

Firmer and more possessive, I pulled her even closer to me by the slant of her back. Reverberating against my knuckles from the glass of the aquarium, vibrating deep through Ashley's lips in her perfection, the bass from my music pulsed through her, as strong as her heartbeats against my chest.

Slipping my lips down to the slope of her neck tensing, coiling and uncoiling in reaction to me, closer to this pulsing, I smiled over her indulgent scent. Ashley curled her hands through my hair with my amusement, fit to burst in sensuality underneath me. An aromatherapy of her own, and one to die for: a pale, almost powdery rose scent that kicked in at the back-end, more aromatic right at the top of my nose. But still soft, and sensitive, as a tangible marker of these raw emotions in her touch, of her love for me.

Ashley eased her nails along my scalp, comforting in her rare restraint. "You…can't be real," she whispered, right into my ear. "Every single day with you feels like a dream. Like I'll wake up any second now. You won't remember any of it…and I'll be devastated."

I bundled her up in my arms, supportive. "I'm here for you, Ash. I'm not going anywhere."

"I believe you," she accepted, sighing. "…you know, I was lost without you. Now I never want to let you go. I'm holding on to you no matter what… I can't lose you, Shepard." Ashley sighed again, dispelling her fantasies for the moment. "But…before we do anything else, we should—talk first. About that research you asked me to do. Turns out I didn't have to search all that hard to find what I was looking for."

Pulling away just enough, I raised my brow, asking, "You had something specific in mind?"

Ashley pressed her hands just along my forearms for support, for control in my hold. "I did, actually," she told me. "I just…didn't have the right words for it. The right terms. I couldn't define it—not until I looked everything up. I guess, because I'm so ashamed of it, I avoided pinning things down. It gets really deep into my head, and—and I'm not sure how you'll feel about it."

"We don't have to talk about it right this second," I reassured her. "I'll ask you about something else first. Something related to this, but not quite the same. We should discuss everything."

Still ashamed, unable to meet my eyes—"Okay…"

I had a feeling I knew what this kink was that had her so ashamed.

I'd picked up on it, and sensed it way before, subliminally, back when we first met on Eden Prime: how she was so eager to prove herself to me, and almost soothed by my orders, needing my leadership.

For now, I held Ashley's hand.

"Let's sit down," I guided, walking with her to the couch. "I can get us a drink if you'd like."

"I'd like that, yeah."

And even though it was only a few steps, I curled my hand upward, hooking four of her fingers under my thumb, supportive. Beyond appreciative, Ashley curled the glee of her smile into her mouth. Such a natural thing for me to do for her; such a novel thing for her to experience with me, with anyone.

Sitting her down, I took a moment to turn my TV on: reflected in the music, automatically, were the accompanying vids there on the screen.

Still holding Ashley's hand, I knelt down in front of her, just to make sure that she was all right.

She definitely was, beaming when I settled my lips just over her knuckles, still keeping her hand in mine.

"Babe, listen to me," I told her, whispering my words over her perfumed skin. "With all of this, I want you to understand: you have the power here. I know how powerful you think I am. The truth is, I have nothing that you aren't willing to give me. I will never force you into anything you're uncomfortable doing. I won't abuse my own power by harming you or pushing you too hard. Can you trust me?"

Hypnotized through her eyes: "Yes…absolutely."

"Good. Even though we're only talking about this tonight, we should establish a safe word anyway. It doesn't just have to be a word—it can be a phrase instead. Anything that will put an immediate stop to whatever we're speaking about, whatever we're doing. I want you to include it in the contract."

Finding enough awareness to answer me: "Okay…I will. And it can't be stop or no. Some of the things I need with you…I want to tell you to stop; I want to say no, and for you to keep going anyway. Unless…unless that's—" Ashley found an abundance of acceptance in my eyes, and of how I wanted the same. "I should…quit trying to censor myself, huh? I guess I'm just so used to it. Being ashamed of these things. Wondering what my family would think of me if they knew…"

"Ash, this is only between you and me," I said, kissing her hand. "No one else. They don't have to know."

"Right—you're right," agreed Ashley. "It's all burned into my head. I'll…I'll work on this." Finding her voice again: "As for the safe word, it can't be something that I might say by accident. Kinda drawing a blank here. You know, since I tend to blurt out whatever's on my mind, whenever…"

I pointed out, "That may be true, but you're not necessarily a vulgar person."

"Not unless we're arguing, no… And it's not like we'd argue hardcore like that in the middle of a scene."

I remembered that experience I had with Shiala's clone forcing herself into my mind.

I remembered what I'd yelled out in vain, to get her to stop:

"Would you ever tell me to fuck off?" I asked.

Ashley stared at me in shock. "What? No!" she said straightaway. "I could never say that to you…"

"Then that's the safe word we'll use. Tell me to fuck off, and I will. But only if you're fine with it."

She couldn't deny the value, the logic there. "I see what you mean, Shepard… Okay, then."

"Okay," I settled. "Do me a favor and think about the rest of what you want from me—and what you don't want. Let me get your drink while you do that. You have a taste for anything specific?"

"Mmm, you like sweet drinks, don't you? I'll try whatever you're having."

"All right. Wait here."

Searching through my refrigerator, kneeling here at this low height, I couldn't ignore the obvious parallels here in my memories. Skin lit by the ice blue of the neon lighting here, I skipped right past the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc I still had, unfinished from the night when Liara was here with me, and from yesterday when I had sipped some more of it, thinking everything over. And I couldn't settle on the Blue Thessia mix, either, because I didn't want Ashley to get the wrong—or right—idea about why I had this.

Ashley even went so far as to pick up the red blanket I had next to her, smiling as she watched the music vid playing on the TV in such a feminine sexuality; thinking everything over as I had asked her to do.

All I had left was a few varieties of other white wine, of moscato specifically.

I had some plain, normal types that were relatively inexpensive. But, no—those wouldn't do. Even if Ashley couldn't tell the difference, I wouldn't let myself give her anything cheap or common. I needed something that reflected how I saw her, how I felt about her.

I reached back for my bottle of vintage white wine from a similar grape. Natural sweet wine, honeyed and sweetened in richness and in pure fruit. This was maybe a bit more sophisticated than I'd planned for on such short notice. I brought the bottle and pair of wine glasses with me back over to Ashley anyway, deciding that I wanted to impress her with this tonight.

Kneeling in front of her again, I set my glass down on the table and out of the way.

Ashley watched me pour this wine, knowing me; knowing that this glass was for her, first.

"This is normally supposed to be for dessert," I explained. "You're not hungry, are you?"

"I'm not—I'm…nervous, actually," she admitted, taking obvious note of the wine's golden brown shade, similar to the color of my skin. "Not in a bad way or anything… I've never seen this side of you before."

I handed Ashley her drink, reminding her, "A while back, you said I'm supposed to be a real romantic."

"I didn't forget, Shepard… I think about it all the time. You've really surprised me tonight so far."

Red like the rose of her scent, Ashley's face heated when she smelled the wine—softly, just enough.

Letting myself smirk, I told her, "Try it, babe. It's sweet."

As she did, I poured my own glass, not wanting to make her feel self-conscious about this.

Her face reddening even more, if possible, Ashley let out a low moan of delight.

She breathed out, "You weren't kidding… It's sophisticated, just like you are. This is—wow."

"I'm glad you like it," I said, before sipping my own. "You ready to have the rest of our conversation?"

Ashley pushed her doubts away, warmed by how I hadn't moved from this spot. I was certain she understood my meaning, my intention in doing this for her. I knew she found her enjoyment in this, covering her possible throbbing beneath the blanket she'd quilted over her legs. And so she crossed her long legs over the couch, fitting them under the blanket anew; she then faced me at a direct angle, keen to let me lead her through this talk of ours.

As low as this couch was, and as tall as I was, Ashley was still above me, just enough.

"Yeah, I'm ready," she confirmed. "Ask me anything. Well—aside from that one thing… I'll tell you about it later, after you take your turn."

"Tell me your other turn-ons, then," I requested. "Besides that one, major thing."

Ashley sipped her wine, looking through the glass and down at my concealment.

"Well, I hinted enough about one of them," she began, sounding a little more relaxed. "You wanting me like that… It is a major thing that ties back around. When we had our dream, if you had just—taken me—I would have loved it. I know I talk a lot of shit about not being easy or whatever… The thing is, I want you to bulldoze past all that sometimes. I want you to reduce me to that…even if it hurts. I want you to fuck me up. Then soothe me when it's all over."

"I can definitely give you that… But why am I not surprised you mentioned this type of edge play first?"

"Hey, you asked!"

Laughing again, I said, "Ashley, from that alone, I think you're more hardcore than you give yourself credit for. Don't get me wrong—I fucking love it. I expected I'd have to pull teeth with you on this."

"Mmm, no pulling teeth here, Shepard," reassured Ashley, serene. "Listen, I've spent my entire life pushing my own limits. I still do it today—you know that. So I know a thing or two about hardcore. I wasn't willing to put a label on these things that I wanted deep down. And it's not like the people I was involved with were good enough for that anyway… Just means I get to start fresh with you."

"Works for me," I accepted. "What else is there? What's something else you need?"

Glancing down between me again, Ashley licked her lips in such thoughtful mischief.

"Our dream made me think about this, too: what about…when the lines are blurred another way? Like…when you're asleep. You're sleeping, and I want you. I don't think I'd go all the way, but—I'd think about…touching you. Giving you a blowjob. Basically doing something I'm not supposed to. Waking you up so you can take me. Or even if I was asleep, and you touched me, slipping inside of me… It's so fucked up, but I want that with you—badly."

"Yeah, I'd like that," I said, grinning over the ideas, all of them. "We could have that type of trust."

Ashley laughed, so soft.

"You keep on surprising me, Shepard," she delighted. "You're pretty open-minded. I love that about you so much…" But then, she paused, looking between me again. "…the one you're wearing right now, is it—I mean, does it…? Could you…?"

And then she surprised me with this.

"There's no mess with this one, Ash," I explained.

Ashley wanted to laugh over my euphemism. "Okay, that works," she replied, before falling back to her same hesitations. "I'm just wondering…do you have one with the mess?"

"Just one," I told her. "I haven't used it with anyone before. It's a replacement for another one I had. I didn't want to keep carrying those memories around with me."

Cringing, not wanting to come off with the wrong tone, she asked, "Does it…work? Like, you know… Is there—a risk? There's always a risk when—when there's a mess, but… You're a woman, so you'd have to use one of these if… You get what I'm saying…"

Not quite getting why she was so shy about this, I said, "Yes, if I don't use protection, then there's more of a risk." Avoiding my stare, shifting—she was clearly into the idea… "Ashley, are you on birth control?"

"Yeah, I am," she shared, so quiet.

"How long have you been on it for?"

Ashley looked into my eyes, securing the truth here: "Since I was seventeen. Back when I tried to go all the way with my ex in high school, I took the extra precautions first… Thank God the colony we were on at the time let me see a doctor about it without my parents' permission. If I'd had to ask them, it would've been…awkward. There's no way they would've let me do it."

Accepting her truth, I followed-up, "Do you have any backup meds, just in case?"

"Just in case, yeah," she promised. "The ones I have are supposed to work right away. Right after… I can show them to you—if you need me to…"

"It's all right," I told her. "I trust you." When Ashley's nerves still wouldn't settle over this, I understood that there was more here. "Ash, if we're going to do this, then we need to communicate. You don't have to tell me everything right this second. I still have some questions about this. I'd like you to answer me honestly. Yes or no."

Shuddering breaths, and then, "Okay… I'll be honest with you, Shepard. Go ahead…"

"This is something we can't experiment freely with," I started. "Not if I'm inside of you. If we're going to do that, then it can only be on rare occasions. And not any time soon. Can you agree with me on that?"

Ashley's face heated in her immediate pleasure from my words.

"Yes."

Well, this was definitely new for me…

"Do you need to feel me like that inside of you?"

She touched my face, leaning into my lips in such a succulent sweetness, so eager and needy in this moment, whispering through my wine-filled breath: "I need you in me, Shepard… I need you to claim me, make me yours—take the risk. I have to know you. I need you to come inside of me, as a woman, as you, with me… I want to hear how you sound, when you finally let go like that; lose yourself so deep inside of me. And I want to hold you the entire time, unprotected. I need it like hell. I really do…"

Overwhelmed by her admissions, I fought to keep myself together.

Ashley wouldn't let me break our eye contact. I couldn't let myself do it, either, unless I ceded the control and the flow of this conversation to her. This was my responsibility, to lead her… If I got caught up in the moment; if I let myself be weak, giving into these maddened thoughts I now had of doing everything she'd just said, then that would've been it for me.

She at least allowed me to be overwhelmed, leaning back, away from me, returning to where she had been before. Already, I knew she saw it in my eyes: that I did want what she'd said, no matter how new and terrifying this was for me.

I told her instead, "Okay, Ash… Okay. I'll…keep that in mind."

Ashley gave me such a kind smile, before a mass of indiscernible thoughts clouded her eyes.

She wouldn't tell me what this was about.

There seemed to be more here that I wasn't quite able to grasp.

She and I weren't on the same wavelength. Not with this subject.

Ashley knew that we weren't on the same wavelength here, and so she moved on, "Aside from that…I don't think there's anything else that I need. Not necessarily. We can figure out the rest down the line."

I nodded, directing her, "Tell me your hard limits next. What you definitely can't stand. Non-negotiable."

Smiling in a sort of half-frown, Ashley explained, "I'm not a fan of those, um, gross things. You know."

"I do know, and I agree," I stated. "We're not going there."

"Okay, good," she accepted, relieved. "I mean, I figured you weren't into them anyway. You made it clear that we have to communicate. So, I'm communicating a real, non-negotiable aversion to this! Totally not judging anyone who is into it. It's just not for me…"

"Understandable, babe. What else?"

"This is gonna make me sound like a total wimp, but… I don't want you to yell at me, Shepard. When I'm in that submissive headspace, the last thing I want is for you to be mean to me like that… It brings up bad memories—like after Eden Prime, when you were pissed at me for getting caught by the beacon. And…there's more I'll tell you about soon."

"I wouldn't do that to you, Ash," I promised. "I care about you too much to harm you like that again."

Something of what I said stung her, yet she continued, "Thanks… It's different when we're in a full-blown argument. Obviously, if we're in that situation instead, you should yell as much as you need to. Plus, I know I should be used to it—with the military and all. With you, things are never that simple."

"Then what do you want from me? I feel like there's something you're not saying here."

Quietly, she confessed, "I want you to nurture me instead. I want you to take care of me, Shepard. This always gets back to the biggest thing I need from you. I need you to be patient with me. I need you to be understanding when I'm basically self-sabotaging, saying shit I'm not supposed to. And I need you to help bail me out when I get in over my head. Not only with you. In life, in general…"

Making a point, I caressed her legs covered by this blanket, firm in my vow, "Then I'll be that for you, babe. I understand that some things are out of your control. You can rely on me like this."

Letting out a long-delayed exhale, Ashley said, "Hearing you say that…it helps. So much. I really love that you're such a sweetheart. And you're a lifesaver—like always."

Before I could prompt her to continue with the rest of her hard limits, she already knew what to do.

Ashley finished the last of her wine, already, and set the empty glass down on the table. She took my glass, still with some wine in it, and put it down next to hers. Pulling at my T-shirt, Ashley stood up with me, guiding me over to the couch; having me lie down on my stomach over this blanket that smelled of her. The warmth from where she'd sat before: it heated me just under my legs, relaxing me even more.

And then she settled herself on top of me, along my lower back. Not quite pressing all of her weight down on me at first, Ashley seemed overwhelmed by having me here like this. Still, she found the courage to lift up my shirt, my tank top underneath—going all the way up past my sports bra, and leaving things that way, leaving the spill of my hair off to the side, nearly down to my waist.

I folded my arms, resting my head here while she took me in like this.

Hesitant touch kneading at the strong muscles of my narrow back, I felt Ashley's mind processing how unexpected this was. Compared to her, to the decent sinew of her own body, I was way more limber than she was. Not quite fragile, though not as lean as she was in trained fitness, I must have seemed comparatively small next to her. Of course, my height over her made up for things—and we had different specializations—but I really was a glass cannon in the face of her relative sturdiness.

Ashley chose to delay the last of her hard limits, saying instead, "Tell me what you want, Shepard. Tell me what you need. Tell me how I can give it to you, and when."

"Ash, in this sense, I'm a very simple person. I want to give you what you want. That's all."

Curious in darkness, she asked, "And what if I want something you've never done before? What then?"

"Hmm, it depends," I mused. "Ask me and we'll talk about it. Where are you going with this?"

Sensing Ashley's intentions through her touch, I had my answers: how her hands had lost that hesitation from earlier, growing firmer and firmer by the second. She found her surprises here. She found her novelty here. She found her own answers here, in this sight of the skin over my back soaking in the light of the TV, in the ambiance of the blue around us, and in the heat of her abject fascination with me.

She continued along this line, "So, it's true then? No one's ever eaten you out? Fucked you?"

Still oddly relaxed, I replied, "That's right."

Ashley understood the implications here, and controlled herself accordingly.

"What about me, Shepard?" she needed to know, so bold in her darkened edge. "Do you think about letting me give that to you? Does it ever cross your mind?"

I closed my eyes, thinking back to her vid messages specifically about this, and said, "You're the first person I've ever considered this with. The only person. But not everything you said."

"What don't you want, then?"

"Unless it's for a blowjob, I don't like the idea of having your mouth in between me like that. I've never liked it. Maybe someday. I can't force it to happen any sooner."

Ashley leaned her touch into me, harder, steadying herself against me like this. Stretching in place, she let her mind open to the possibilities of my permission. She did it more over the way I didn't react to her, aloof in my methods so unintentional, in making her want me more simply by giving her nothing.

But she needed me to paint a full picture—the entire picture in all its shades and shadows, at all costs.

She pressed onward, "What about my hands? What if I touched you there, took you for myself? Would you let me do it?"

Unmoved, unimpressed: "Again, that's not really my thing. You're getting warmer, though…"

Ashley couldn't quite keep herself from whining low in her throat, before asking, "Then what if…what if I took off your clothes? Could you do that with me?"

"At minimum, I'm not taking off my tank top, and I'm not letting you anywhere near me unless we're in a bed, underneath a comforter. And if I'm the one fucking you, I'm leaving my boxer briefs on. You're getting colder now, Ashley. You should be able to tell these things about me by now."

Moaning over my denials, Ashley lowered herself against me completely. She clutched at my shoulders, at the toned shape of my arms, down to my hips, and my legs that she could reach of me. And even though I loved this feeling of her weight and her heated presence fully on top of me like this, I wasn't about to let her know that. Not directly.

"Fuck, you're such a tease," she groused. "Reminds me of your pictures, your runways… How you're always so confident that everyone's going crazy from just…looking at you. Wanting you. You're so beautiful and stylish—how could anyone look at you and not want to please you? And maybe you enjoy it, but you won't admit that. It's all part of what makes you so special. Your sex appeal is unreal."

"Well, I do like that you want me this much," I told her. "Even if I don't show it. This is new for me."

"But Shepard, you're so powerful… Why do you think about this with me? What's your angle here?"

"Because I know you're hard-headed enough to push me, to overwhelm me. Given the chance, you won't hesitate. You won't falter in front of me; treat me like I'm some porcelain doll. You'll go for it. And if you're gonna do it, then it had better be hard and fast. Don't give me a chance to escape from you. I know you're just the type to want to do that. You're possessive of me in that exact way."

Ashley let herself laugh, burrowed as her face was along the curve of my neck. "That's…perfectly true. You're right. You get me!" Pressing her grin against my skin, she chose to open up about the rest: "There's something else, though… When I think about this with you, it's never…an equal thing. There's still a power dynamic. You're still stronger than me. I'm just…trying to prove myself to you."

"Yeah, I figured," I revealed. "That's why I like this with you and only you. You get me, too."

"But there's one last thing," noted Ashley. "There's always something. Something in the way. Something bringing me back down to our painful reality." Collecting herself first, she then told me, "I wouldn't say this is a hard limit, Shepard. It's just what I want, what I need. If I'm going to be vulnerable with you like this, then I need you to be faithful. I have to know that you're with me. And I only want to be with you. I can't share you with anyone else. Not with this dynamic. Not with how much I want from you."

A bit drugged from how exposed she was, emotionally, I could only say, "I understand."

"Do you?" she questioned. "When we started this thing, I told you I wouldn't try to take you away from Liara. I would never force you to choose between us. I would never ask you to leave her side…"

"Ashley, I knew from day one that you didn't intend to keep that promise forever."

She couldn't even hide her mischievous smile over getting caught like this.

"Then…why'd you agree to it?" she wondered. "Why did you seem to take me at my word?"

"Because you were bold enough to play this game in the first place. In your own way at the time, you were confident that you'd win me over. I respected that, deep down."

Too realistic: "We still have this issue, though. You want her, Shepard. Maybe you…maybe you even love her—I don't know. I want you to get this out of your system. Whatever it takes."

I held my pain back, asking her, "Is this an ultimatum? You're asking me to go have sex with her before you'll be in a relationship with me?"

"Not an ultimatum… I don't expect you to fuck her before I tell you yes. You should do it eventually."

"Ash, if I just go up to Liara and ask for sex, she'll know I'm up to something…"

"Then spend time with her," allowed Ashley. "Get to know her again. Then fuck her. Whatever. I only want you to see how you feel once you do it. You can't keep running away from this. Because if you do, you'll never know what could've been. I don't want that to haunt you. At the same time, I can't help feeling like something terrible will happen if you do this… Like you'll fall for her all the way."

That was…a real possibility. Then again, it had probably already happened, and I just hadn't noticed yet.

Ashley didn't need me to say the words.

Holding herself together well enough, as if she'd prepared for this, she stood up. She took a few paces forward, enough to meet me here at the corner, the bend of my couch. From where I sat, looking up at her, I couldn't read her. I couldn't know what to do, just from feeling her, from sensing her like I normally could have before.

"Shepard, I'm sick of arguing with you over her," she said, level-headed. "I'm sick of feeling insecure over her. I'm sick of losing my mind all because you didn't put me first, way before it was even fair of me to expect you to do it. When you asked me out, it helped me come to terms with things. I accept the situation for what it is. I trust you now. You have my heart…but I don't have yours. And it hurts."

"Ash, I'm sorry," I expressed. "You're right. I wish I hadn't hurt you like this…without knowing."

Enough coldness in her eyes, enough monotone through her rich, textured voice, "Then you two have unfinished business… Go finish it."

Right as she started walking away from me, I held her hand.

Ashley stopped with my hold.

She wouldn't face me.

I tried to stand up, until she said—"Don't, Shepard. It isn't fair. You're wearing a strap-on right now, and…and if you try to hold me from behind, I'll feel you again. I'll lose control this time. I'll give in to you. I can't let myself do that tonight. So just say what you need to say to me."

"Ashley, I appreciate everything you've told me," I began. "I don't want us to end things on this bad note. Not like this. Today of all days, I can't let us be in another fight."

"Oh, I plan on spending plenty of time with you later on. Don't worry about that. And after what I've told you, I'm definitely not letting you go. I'm not going anywhere. I just can't spend the night with you."

Caressing her hand in mine, I asked, "Why not?"

"It's the same issue… We haven't slept in a bed together since our dream. I know I'll have sex with you if I do. I don't want to lose my virginity to you in a bed, Shepard. I need something more exciting than that. I'm not in the mood to experiment right now. So we're going to have to sleep separately. I need my space."

"All right," I respected.

Expectant in mild petulance, in veiled need: "Say what you have to say to me so I can go to sleep."

Her hand, her fingers, so lithe and shapely, and thin, and round right at her tips, letting her natural nails jut out in shortness, so perfect in this soft touch of hers.

This wasn't fair for me at all, yet I loved the way Ashley expected perfection from me.

So I expressed myself to her: "When I first saw you on Eden Prime, I didn't know my life would change. I had a feeling you were special, Ash. I sensed everything you wanted with me…and I ran away from it. I can never erase that mistake. I can never justify why I was so closed-off, set in my ways. Maybe I was scared to admit that I'd found something I had been looking for my whole life. I'm admitting it now."

I felt how much Ashley wanted to turn around, to forget all about our fight and kiss me already.

But I felt her restraint tying her up twice as much, as she had learned to do from me.

"I love you, Shepard," she said instead, walking away and out of my hold. "Good night."

Her absence in my hand as a phantom limb—"Good night, babe… I'm sorry."

Once she left the room, I fell right back into that fiery pain she had disturbed me from earlier.

Not necessarily because she left.

But because I still felt her here, even though she was gone.

Pulling the red of this blanket closer to me, I sat here for a while, feeling these emotions Ashley had left behind. The more I felt them, the more they made me question if my intuition still worked properly. I could have sworn I sensed something far darker than Ashley had let on or even alluded to…aside from that coldness in her eyes, that monotone she had given me. That coldness, that monotone rose higher, co-opting her smell of roses and vanilla, and twisting that non-vanilla talk we'd had into the silhouette of her absolute need of me.

Deeper than any ocean, thicker than any blood, I couldn't deny Ashley's ruthlessness…again, that she had learned from me, as her…father-figure.

And now I had unlocked her in how much she trusted me.

Not knowing what else to do, I went back to bed, leaving this blanket behind.

Embraced again in this reminder of Liara's presence here between my sheets, I could admit to myself:

She and Ashley both scared the hell out of me.

But it was this memory of Liara that helped soothe me from this, even as much as she terrified me. Thinking of her brought me back down, kept me from shaking, crying. Letting myself feel for her again was like a salve over these wounds from Ashley constantly ramming against my head and my heart, from Ashley continuously throwing me in this damned incinerator and expecting me to survive.

Still, I knew I fucked up. I had fucked all of this up. I should've stayed away from both of them—or at least one of them. I should have resisted their temptations. I shouldn't have been selfish, and weak, giving into them like this. If I had stayed strong like I was used to, then none of this would've happened.

Now, I was exposed like this…

Now, I wished I could've had Liara's arms around me again.

I couldn't hate her anymore. I couldn't stay angry at her anymore. I couldn't keep pretending that I felt nothing for her; that I didn't need her like this. Because she had sustained me, even after all this time.

Because if she really did give up on us, and our date was only a final talk, then I would've lost her.

If Liara had given up on me, what then…? What about our bond? Would she let it go? Was it too late…?

I felt like a fucking kid again, afraid and abandoned after I'd lost everyone and everything—again.

And whatever depths I had fallen into in this bloody water, it was too late for me to come up for air.

From: Anderson, Captain – Happy Birthday, Commander.

Shepard,

I know you're on shore leave right now on Thessia. I would have loved to be there with you, for your birthday and for the mission. Duty calls here on the Citadel.

I figured I'd send you a quick line or two instead. The big 3-0. Time sure does fly, doesn't it?

Wasn't too long ago you were still that stubborn young woman, angry at the world, the galaxy—and for good reason. I'm happy to see you've cooled down over the years. These past few months included. Have you taken my words to heart from my letter, from after you became a Spectre? I believe you have. It's done wonders.

Going by our email exchanges about your progress with the mission, and your visits to me here on the Citadel, I can tell you've gone through some positive changes. I don't sense that same, impossible edge about you. But you're not completely different, either. Seems like you've finally found a good balance.

I don't expect you to go soft on me, though. Tough-as-nails, but still sympathetic and understanding. I hope this commander sticks around for a while. Longer than a while.

Have a good one today. You've earned it.

-Anderson

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From: Vakarian, Garrus – Birthday message.

Commander,

Sorry if this is a little weird. We (the team) all agreed to write up some birthday messages to you. If you get everything at once a few hours after midnight, that's on purpose. We're having a party here at Liara's place. I suggested we schedule our emails to get to you at a certain time, in case we're kind of indisposed when the hour hits. You know…

I just wanted to say, Shepard, it's been an honor serving with you on the mission so far. Getting things done without all that red tape from C-Sec has been liberating. I finally feel like I'm making a difference out there. I have you to thank for that.

I know I'm not the most talkative member on the team. And I haven't been the best at asking for your time, even though you left the offer open. I hope you haven't taken it to mean that I respect you any less. I value you as my superior officer, and maybe as an accidental mentor. I really do look up to you in a way that I find hard to express in-person. You've opened my eyes, changed my thinking in a lot of ways; made me less cynical about believing in the fight for justice and fairness. You've taught me that we have to keep fighting for what we believe in, no matter how bleak things look. You never give up on whatever you set your mind to, so I shouldn't, either.

For the record, I fully support anything you care about. Anyone you care about. Let's just say it's another inspiration to me. I wish I was better at actually saying these things out loud. I'm trying to work up the courage to tell her about this myself. It's not going so well. Not sure how she'll react, if she'll think it's strange or out-of-place. I should find a way to break the ice anyway.

Maybe we'll get to see you today, spend some time together, even indirectly. Would be nice to kick back with you around, for a change.

-Garrus

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From: Ashley — Your birthday.

Skipper,

Garrus said he would be the one to tell you about our timing thing. I wanted to give some extra context for when I'm writing this.

I'm waiting for you to call me back right now. I kind of hung up in your face while we were arguing. Twice in a row. Not the best start to your birthday, I know…

It's your special day today, and I'm sitting here alone in this guest room in this gigantic mansion, wishing I could take everything back. Everything I said. Everything that spilled out without me meaning to say it. All the stupid accusations, all the pointless jabs I made at you. Even from before today. I mean, you asked me out, as a dream come true for me, and then I made this huge mess. I hate that I can't just shut my mouth when I need to do it most. Shut up and listen. Shut up and apologize.

I already know when you call me again, if you do, my pride's going to come right back up. I wish I could shut this off, set it aside.

Sending myself those love letters and poetry meant for you, hoping you'd find them through my work email. Hoping you'd see them, somehow, by chance, without me knowing. Hoping that my words would move you somehow. Hoping you would take that next step, start a conversation with me, get to know me, take me out on the Citadel, and maybe even fall for me…all of that. I wanted it to be special for us. I wanted to have that realistic fantasy with you. I wanted to have that star-crossed love affair with you, where you chose to be with me anyway, taking that risk even with the regulations in the way. Risk getting in trouble with the Alliance. I wanted you to risk it all for me.

I wanted to be your one and only. I still want that. More than anything.

I'm so forward with everything else. Sometimes, with this, you turn me into someone I don't recognize. Not on purpose.

I admire you so much. It's like I could lift you to the skies myself if you'd let me. Up to the heavens. Even way beyond that, whatever's out there.

That's how much I love you, Shepard. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such an ass.

I'm hoping and waiting for you to call me back soon.

Hoping you can forgive me, too.

-Ash

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From: Chakwas, Karin — Birthday Greetings.

Shepard,

What a wonderful day today is. Happy Birthday, Commander. Thirty years old! I can hardly believe it.

I won't bore you with anything long-winded or emotional. I simply wanted you to know how proud I am of you. You've come a long way over these months since I was first assigned to the Normandy with you and Captain Anderson. I am glad that you're no longer resistant to having a full conversation with me about your health.

I must say, Commander, you have also improved in other ways. After our initial discussion about my theory on the collective unconscious, I have kept a close watch on your progress. I am not certain how I know this, but your mind appears to be greatly fortified in comparison to when we first met. Your will seems to be exponentially stronger than it was when you interacted with the beacon on Eden Prime. If your mind could withstand that kind of punishment back then, I can only imagine what you are capable of handling these days.

Enjoy your time with the team on shore leave. I will be here at the local medical university picking up what I can on the asari's practices, in case any of it proves to be useful to our operation. Should you need anything, you will know how to reach me. Do try to keep the others from going overboard with their alcohol intakes, if at all possible.

-Dr. Chakwas

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From: Urdnot Wrex – Shepard Day.

Shepard,

I suck at writing things. I'll keep this nice and neat for you.

Wanted to say Happy Shepard Day. The real custom makes me sad. Krogan don't celebrate birthdays.

Made an exception. I follow you, respect you.

We're warriors. Keep kicking ass, Shepard. Even if no one can see you while you do it. You find your own glory, your own way.

-Wrex

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From: Alenko, Lieutenant — Happy Birthday.

Commander,

Thanks again for the pep talk earlier. You did me a solid.

I wonder how excited you are for your birthday today. Probably not at all, huh? I can't really see you as the celebrating type. I'm sure you'd be just fine hiding out in your private quarters with your video games, as usual. Just a regular old day for you.

If I'm honest, I'm at a loss for what else to say here. Kind of intimidating, sending you a Happy Birthday message. I don't expect you to respond or anything.

And maybe this is too forward, but I'm glad that Ash isn't hurting anymore. You know, from your distance. I tried to do what I could for her, back when the others weren't speaking to her. Made things a little awkward with Liara, knowing that she liked you, too. I had to keep my distance from her. Didn't want to overstep my boundaries. With those types of feelings involved, I knew I had to make a choice, pick a side. I chose Ash because I knew you'd see one day that she's worth it.

She's more than what people assume about her. She's flawed, but we all are, and she wants to do better, every day. She's just a little more upfront about her imperfections; she won't apologize for them.

I was right about her way back when, wasn't I?

-Kaidan

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From: Tali'Zorah – Your birthday today.

Shepard,

Now that it's your birthday, I see the age difference between us in solar years. You're thirty. I'm twenty-two. You are eight years older than me. That's quite a lot, isn't it?

I wanted to tell you how happy I am that we're actually friends now. You make me believe in something more than what I had grown used to in my short life so far. Like I can finally think for myself for a change, and not feel as guilty about it anymore. I can be my own person while still wanting to help my people in whatever way I can.

You taught me that the galaxy is definitely a hard place. But if I look closely enough, there is still plenty of kind, caring, and sensitive warmth under that hard exterior. I will be sure to let my old ship captain know about this change in my perspective, once I present the Flotilla with the gift you gave me for my Pilgrimage.

I will always be here for you, Shepard. I somehow feel stronger in making this choice to stand by you, no matter what. I'm glad to be here with you on this team.

-Tali

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From: Moreau, Flight Lieutenant – Fun times!

Commander,

Awesome stuff—you're thirty years old now. Who cares what people say about that age? To me, it's like you're just getting started in life. How do I know this? I just do!

Kind of creeps me out that I'm actually sending a normal message to you. You know, not about work. Not that I'm convinced we're friends or anything, even though I want us to be. You keep your distance. I respect that. Mostly, anyway. Wouldn't mind getting to hang out with you today.

By the way, I'm trying to figure out if I should drop a MAJOR hint about something. If you know that I know what you're thinking, then go for it already. It'll be epic!

And I know better than to risk asking for pictures or whatever. That would be dumb of me. Sure keeps me smiling. But not for those, uh, reasons. I want you to be happy, and I want her to be happy with you. Yeah, she's a tough one. So are you. I get the feeling you make her all weak in the knees from how smooth and serious you are. I guess it's sweet…

Just don't tell anyone I said that. I can't be all sensitive, otherwise my mask will come right off. That wouldn't be a pretty sight.

-Joker

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From: Liara – This morning.

Shepard,

I hope that you are able to read this before you meet me in a few hours.

Yesterday, there was more I wished to tell you about our date. I held back—because the others were nearby, because Ashley watched us from the kitchen behind you. Because I was afraid that, if I mentioned this, you would decline my offer outright. I understand that now is not the time to hesitate any longer. So please allow me to be frank in this message. And please excuse the length. There is much that I have not been able to say to you over these three agonizing months. I must say it now—or never.

I see your frustrations, Shepard. Do you believe that I gave up on you? On us? Do you feel that I simply stepped aside, ceding victory to Ashley in this game between the three of us? Or did you convince yourself that I am more in love with my problems than I am with you? Anything to keep yourself from thinking about me again. Anything to help you run away from how you still feel for me, after all this time.

I want you to know now that none of those things are true.

Perhaps it was easier for you to believe those lies. It was more immediate for you to find ample validation in the way Ashley chases after you with such restless vigor. It was more convenient for you to discard me, and pretend as if you could leave me behind at the "drop of a dime," as you humans say.

I wanted to give you time. I wanted to know if you were only pretending, or if you had truly moved on.

I found my answer not that long ago, while we were on the Citadel. I believe you purchased a bottle of something to drink. Something you would not show to anyone else, not even when Wrex had inquired.

Our bond began to reignite that day. I could finally feel you, like a light turning back on in the darkness.

And then, early this morning, everything transcended, as a sheer ocean flooding past your barriers.

I recognize now that you don't enjoy me prodding around in your mind, in your 'fucking' feelings. You don't wish for me to micromanage. And so I am writing this to you, instead of merely communicating without words, privately, in the way I had done before. At the same time, however, I know that you would rather not give your own words to me. You will run from the worst of those words, from the truth.

Deep down, suppressed, I know—you will always hate that I didn't fight for you.

Just as you hated the way I crushed Ashley's heart in my attempt to keep her away from you.

You despise me for this: less so for my hasty mistake, and more so now for not fighting to keep you.

But you must know by now that that is not my way. Have you forgotten that we are from two different species? As Ashley has proven over and over again, humans are high-strung, impatient. Even reckless at times. You live for the moment. I must take the long view in life, as most asari are prone to do. Fighting for the short-term is too often unwise and extreme. I will only take that path if I see no other option.

Giving you time was the best option. You have found a small measure of peace with me in my absence.

If you would like to stop running away from me, Shepard, you are free to do so, beginning today.

I have more to offer you than the stress you have been subjected to over these months. Far more. So much more, with the opportunity for you to explore something far deeper with me than we have ever known. Something so much better than the petty issues we have been mired in throughout this time.

Do what you will with Ashley. As long as she does not hurt either of us too much, I will not intervene in your relationship.

With that in mind, if you decide to stop running, to stop pretending, and to stop lying to yourself, then make yourself clear to me. Be honest in your intentions with me this morning. Open yourself to the possibility that you may have acted in error over these past few months. You are not always right.

Do this for me—for us—and I will shift the mood for our date as you desire.

Or don't, and continue running.

Make your choice, and meet me at seven o'clock in my mother's living room—not a moment later.

-Liara

Early morning light shone in through the full panes of the sliding glass doors here in Liara's living room.

Beyond that glass, the gleam of the green grass reflected back in here to me, warming me to the reality of the day, and thawing me from the ice cold of the night I'd suffered through, barely able to sleep.

Anderson's email had helped before, initially, and I had been glad to reply to him. Everyone else's emails had surprised me, too. Really surprised me, since I hadn't expected that kind of sentimentality from them at all. I did write back what I could to them anyway, before I got here—except for Liara, since my presence here spoke enough as it was. Though the rest of the team's not-so-subtle hints, and their more direct thoughts and well-wishes stayed on my mind. Most of them had encouraged me to do one thing, and yet here I was, facing something else instead.

Ashley had sent me another email, separate from the normal birthday one I got from her around the same time as everyone else. I'd chosen to ignore it, not wanting to face her right now, even through a screen. Her confessions to me in her 'normal' email had already reached at something in me I couldn't describe. But, again, I didn't want to dwell on that, didn't want to linger on it just yet.

And now, the rest of the day started to kick in.

High above along one of the walls, a gigantic clock there read 7:00am, seconds ticking forward and on.

Here on this level, illuminated by the sunlight, Liara shuffled back and forth between the living room and the kitchen. Wearing a fitted lab coat of blue and white that suited her body and her intelligence quite well, Liara collected the various shot glasses, tequila bottles, slices of lime, and salt packets that had littered the coffee table by the television. She worked to clean the faint mess the others had left behind from their not-so-rowdy and rather respectful night, not having torn up the place all that much.

Still, Joker had crashed on the couch, and Wrex snored heavily as he lay face-first on the floor nearby.

I assumed that Tali, Kaidan, and Garrus had all found their way to their own guest rooms, at least.

And…

And I saw that patience there in Liara's eyes and in her movements as she cleaned, accepting that the team had chosen to honor her requests for order and cleanliness—as much as possible, anyway.

I would have offered to help.

I should have, but I couldn't push back this feeling.

This feeling that someone watched me in that moment; that someone watched Liara as well.

Liara must've had the same feeling, because she tempered her movements, going at a slower pace than she normally would have.

I couldn't shake this feeling off, no matter how hard I tried, like a phantom heating the back of my head.

Glancing over to Joker and Wrex, and the handful of heavy alcohol bottles and shot glasses still on the table, I knew I couldn't keep standing here like this. I went over to the coffee table, of the mind to at least get the bottles over to the kitchen with the rest of the team's drinks.

Liara found me here soon after, pupils dilating as her eyes took me in, took in my intentions for this day.

"Good morning, Shepard," she greeted with a faint smile. "Thank you for joining me."

"Yeah, of course," I said, grabbing those heavy bottles for her. "Where do you want these?"

Taking the last of the shot glasses with her, Liara guided me to the kitchen. "Just through here."

The team had amassed quite a war chest of cognacs, more tequila, and several other bottles of room-temperature alcohol, keeping them on the counter next to the sink. I set these bottles down here, grouping them as needed, like chess pieces. I needed to stay organized, even though none of this alcohol was mine. I did this as Liara washed off the glasses near me. She looked over at my scrutinizing, at my attention to detail, smiling at me in fondness as she finished the last of this cleaning.

I knew that everyone was bound to mess up my efforts before the day was over.

This was really an excuse to double and triple-check that this abnormal feeling hadn't gone away.

It seriously still felt like someone watched us from somewhere, somehow.

Once we finished with this, Liara showed me out the sliding glass doors, out to that park. Finally escaping the sounds of Wrex's snoring, the peace from the morning found us instead.

Only a small measure before, this peace and harmony helped to soothe me, more.

So unlike Earth, the mornings here on Thessia looked like the afternoons, the evenings. But there was a softness about this sunlight instead, reddening the grass and the spread-out trees as vermillion as Liara walked by my side. Not a soul around for acres—aside from this phantom feeling—we could have gotten lost here together. We could have lost our way, if Liara didn't know exactly where to go. We could have, if she didn't know exactly what she was doing; if she didn't have this solid grasp on her own intentions.

Whatever our intentions were, and whatever this phantom was, all of that came second to this serenity.

And neither of us dared to turn around, to spot our disruptor.

Right now, it couldn't matter.

I'd had no idea how much I needed this moment with Liara, pressing this reset button with her.

She had us stop at a specific spot in the grass, shadowed in the shade of what looked like an elder tree.

Liara leaned against this tree with leaves of red, staring at that spot.

I wondered, "Is there something here?"

"Yes," she said, smiling in nostalgia. "This is where it all began. Where I first found my obsessions that led me to you. When I was a child, I would dig for ruins here in the grass. Right here, in this exact place. My mother gave me such a lecture when she discovered what I had done… But, she did buy me my first history book the next day. I will always appreciate her for that, however temporary it may have been."

I remembered that shot I had taken on Noveria, straight through Benezia's heart.

Still, I asked, "Do you miss her at all?"

Liara's eyes shined and glistened in such an emotional expanse of heavenly blue, making me ache for her.

"I do," she admitted. "I miss her, Shepard."

Leaning next to her on this tree, close to her, I wanted to know, "What was she like? You know…"

"She loved to wear yellow," reminisced Liara. "I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was once kind and compassionate. Very understanding. Committed to her work. Committed to protecting me from…everything. Even from myself."

"How've you been dealing with this? With not having her here anymore."

"I have come to terms with my demons, Shepard. And I have accepted my own need to protect and to control, within reason. Sometimes, without. Or at least—not entirely justified ones. The fact remains that I am my mother's daughter. There are certain traits and habits I have inherited from her. Traits and habits that I have since stopped fighting, and learned to embrace. No matter what the future holds, I must be true to myself…despite how terrified I am to stare back into this mirror without you."

"What do you mean, Liara? What's there in that mirror that you can't face unless I'm here?"

Liara gave me another sad smile, just like from yesterday. "I am not entirely sure myself," she lamented. "It returns me to the same place that I had repressed many years ago. And…this place: it is the peak of my worst fears. It is what I attempted to avoid with our arrangement together. I tried to deny it."

I reminded her, "Aren't you the one always telling me to stop running? Running from my feelings?"

"I know," she accepted. "Perhaps it was projection. I'm sorry for that."

"You know, Liara, you really are a walking contradiction sometimes."

This time, she smiled in reality and in warmth, as I needed. "Just as you are a walking allegory."

"An allegory?" I questioned. "A metaphor? A metaphor for what?"

Liara giggled a bit. "You are what you practice, Shepard," she riddled, again. "You are what you know. And I understand now that you could not possibly know what I see, despite how intuitive you are. I suppose there are some things that extend even beyond our bond. We seem to be creating our own collective unconscious together as we go, making things up along the way. Doesn't this bother you?"

"I guess it does. I'd rather be prepared. Know what I'm doing, what I'm up against."

"That is natural to feel," guided Liara. "I would like to open you to the possibility that there is more. Far more out there, past the boundaries of our own mortal understanding. This is something we could never prepare for. But now that our bond is uninterrupted once more, we can continue on together. I can assure you, there is a much deeper layer that you've not yet accessed with me."

"We got pretty deep before," I recalled. "You're telling me there's more?"

"Yes, Shepard. There is more. Come with me, and I will show you some of what I mean."

About a twenty minute walk through the proper city of Armali itself, and Liara led me up to what looked like a tall, winged temple overlooking the metropolis. She'd had us take a route to help shake off our disruptor—at least for now. And so Liara let me hold her hand—so delicate in mine—as we passed through here, passed through this walkway of shallow water glistening in the pale red sunlight, holding our footsteps in its rippling. I couldn't even mind the hem of my jeans getting damp and darkened as I crossed this space with the ridges of my heavy black boots. I enjoyed being here, being in this moment.

I found Liara gazing at the white of my plain, long-sleeved shirt, enjoying the way the sun embraced the cotton of me. She stared at the flow of my hair down behind me, too—not quite so sunny and golden here on Thessia, living under this perpetual vermillion.

I let myself smile over this, over the view of the city's skyscrapers piercing upward in the near distance; over everything, even all that we couldn't yet sense.

Once I spotted the barriers of security over the temple's entrance, I assumed that we would just stand out here for a bit while Liara explained what was inside the building.

Silver and violet everywhere, otherworldly in the significance there: I could kind of see some of the interior, fluting upward in its architecture, with the main centerpiece of a goddess standing tall and high in the very middle. I saw a number of statues and artifacts circling the perimeter, too, with a bunch of benches lined up facing the goddess, and an unobstructed aisle running right down the middle.

Liara went up to the security barriers, disabling them with her omni-tool.

I had to make sure, "Looks like government-level security here. You're allowed in this place?"

"No, actually," said Liara, pulling me inside with her by my hand. "We should not stay here for too long. We would suffer grave consequences should Asari High Command somehow discover us here. But this temple is far too important for us to play things safe. I must have this discussion with you here."

"All right, that's fine," I accepted, watching as she put the barriers back up behind us. "I don't mind getting into a little trouble with you."

Liara laughed softly. "You believe grave consequences will merely add up to a little trouble, then?"

"I'm up for whatever, Liara," I said instead, grinning. "I could always lean on my Spectre status to bail us out. Then again, I have to wonder how it is you have access here if you're not allowed inside."

"I found the access codes among my mother's many belongings at home… I thought that she might have fortified the codes with several layers of encryption instead. Benezia secured her information in a way that ensured only I would be able to find and read her secrets. It is safe to say that I learned far more than what I bargained for—and not just these codes. Let us sit first, and I will tell you the rest."

We headed down the center aisle together, with the goddess towering over us up ahead.

The closer we neared her, reaching the front row bench, on the left side, the more I felt like there was…

"There's something here," I noted, letting Liara sit down first. "In that statue. Do you sense it, too?"

"Yes, I do," she said. "I am not entirely sure what is there. Only that something does exist in this place." Liara tugged on my hand a bit. "Sit with me, Shepard. Allow me to explain what I know for certain."

I did so, sitting at the very edge of the bench, near the aisle. I kept her hand in mine, knowing that we were safe here, at least as much as our follower could look through and spot our backs.

Liara stared up at that statue, this art in deception as it sheltered a familiar pulsing and understanding.

"This is the Temple of Athame," began Liara. "And Athame Herself is the goddess of prophecy and fate. She is from a very old religion, as you can see. This religion has fallen out of favor with the asari, somewhat. We may reference it at times in saying things like by the goddess. But it is only tangential at best. I never meant anything by it whenever I would use the expression myself."

I remembered, "You think this has something to do with what Shiala told us? And Benezia?"

"Yes, I believe so. I am not entirely clear on the details of their mystic clues, however. Whatever the case is, there is a reason why I am able to sense what you also sense here. I must have acquired a Cipher of my own, one that helps me understand the Protheans intrinsically as you do."

"Shiala mentioned a Cipher, too… A second one, different from mine. Yours sounds way more advanced than mine, or at least—not quite the same. This must be the potential your mother talked about."

"It is different," settled Liara. "And I have finally seized this potential, now that I have stopped hesitating with you; now that our bond is true. As for where this came from: Benezia had a collection of writings passed down through generations of matriarchs in our family. This collection is titled Requiem of the Goddess. I presume it means the death of an idea, or a belief, rather than a literal goddess."

"That sounds…ominous. What'd you find out?"

Staring up at Athame again, Liara explained: "This statue is a lie, Shepard. This artwork, this deification, these beliefs…they are all lies. Athame looks like an asari. She is no such thing. Our gods across all asari religions are Protheans. I have dedicated my life to studying the Protheans, and not once had I come across any information about this. These secrets are classified at the highest levels of asari government."

"You mean Asari High Command knows?" I asked. "They know this, and they're purposely keeping it all a secret from the galaxy?"

"Yes…this sadly explains why we asari are so advanced compared to other species. It is not by any true merit of our own… We had ample assistance from the Protheans, first, when they arrived to Thessia during the Reaper invasion in their time. They uplifted my ancestors, teaching us everything they knew. They gave us the gift of biotics, of agriculture, of knowledge… All that we are is because of them."

"But…" I ran through all the information I thought I knew about the asari. "But how—is that possible? How could your people be so reliant on all this knowledge, without anyone finding out? Why wouldn't the Protheans want your species to worship them with the truth?"

"I cannot know for certain," said Liara, disappointed. "They left no records of their thinking on this. However, I did mention that they uplifted us in the middle of their war against the Reapers, when that war had not reached us here on Thessia. It is possible that the Protheans knew they would fall to the war. It is likely that they did not wish for my ancestors to become entirely reliant on them. We could not have sustained ourselves otherwise."

"So, this Cipher you have—Shiala said it's from you studying the Protheans for all these years. I guess, absorbing their experiences through sheer osmosis. Do your colleagues have something like this?"

"That is possible," replied Liara. "Unfortunately, theirs would only go to waste, if they had one. Mine is useful because I have come into contact with you, Shepard. Or, at least, someone like you. Someone who has also been touched by the Protheans, by their experiences. Someone whose mind can withstand the deep resistances any normal person would face when coming into contact with those experiences."

Everything made sense: "Then…this is how you're able to protect my mind. Protect me from indoctrination, from outside influences. This has to be why Saren was so obsessed with capturing you back then. He could've used you to keep himself from getting indoctrinated by Sovereign."

"Yes, I think that's correct."

"Okay, but—how are you able to keep me safe from something like the Thorian? That thing was thousands of years old. It was around even before the Protheans. Why would Saren think this Cipher of yours is powerful enough to protect him from a Reaper? Do you even know how crazy that sounds…?"

Liara gave me her thoughts, "Like the bond we share, much of these answers are known unknowns. Perhaps many unknown unknowns as well—things that we cannot possibly fathom on our own. They are unconscious. Though I do have a solid source for you to read over: it is what I discovered on Therum when you found me that day. I did not understand it at the time, and unfortunately, the text is incomplete. But, before that, I would like to give you something else first. It is related to the answers you need."

Reaching into one of the pockets of her lab coat, Liara pulled out what looked like…a photograph.

An actual picture in her hands, printed and laminated:

And it was of…us. The two of us, Liara and me, standing together on the Presidium not that long ago. The clear blue of the artificial sky above and of the waterways behind us, the specs of skycars flying by up above, and the perpetual white of the scenic buildings everywhere, in such harmony and peace—

In the photo, I looked down at Liara next to me, giving her what I remembered was an unintentional smile, easygoing. And Liara looked right back up at me, giving me a serene smile of her own: the same one that I had always loved her for, and still loved to this day…

And in the picture, I had my arms folded—a little guarded—but in my hand, I had that bottle in a bag.

That bottle of Blue Thessia mix, from the day I'd had those latent regrets come back up to the surface, about how Liara hadn't fully given herself to me…how I'd walked away from that chance.

Liara gave me that same smile, setting the picture in my hands. "Happy Birthday, Shepard."

She'd said our bond had started to reignite that day.

Was it only a coincidence that someone had taken this photograph of us, on that specific day?

"Liara, this is…something else," I breathed out. "Who took this? And why didn't I notice?"

"Tali did, in secret," she told me. "She noticed us there and saw the perfect frame. I also noticed her taking the photo with her omni-tool, and waited to ask her about it later. I then requested a copy for you. She has a wonderful eye for photography. I would not be surprised if she has taken more of these. Though I will also be sure to send you the digital copy, should anything happen to this one."

I wasn't usually sentimental, but… "Thanks for this, Liara. I really…appreciate it."

Liara beamed at me. "I am glad you approve," she expressed. "There is more on the back. It is a copy of the Prothean text I discussed before." I turned the picture around, finding a foreign language written here beneath the lamination. "Are you able to decipher the words there?"

"Yeah, sort of," I replied, struggling to match the letters in the right order. "…Liara, there's no way. Is this about—power plays? Dominance, and submission? One mind, one master. Ruling over someone's mind in that intimate way, as if it could keep them safe from anyone else indoctrinating them…? It looks like this process really is enough to protect someone from a Reaper taking over their mind. As long as they have their single master protecting them, secured, then absolutely nothing else can get past them."

"Yes, Shepard," confirmed Liara. "According to my mother's classified writings, this is how the Protheans tried to resist Reaper indoctrination as well. It would appear that they have passed that knowledge down through several generations, including to my ancestors when the Protheans uplifted us. This seemed to be their most reliable way of avoiding indoctrination entirely, which helped them to wage their decades-long war against the Reapers. But, of course, they lost to sheer attrition in the end…"

"And now you passed that knowledge on to me…? How? When?"

Liara reminded me: "Do you recall when you first activated your tactical cloak around me, and I was able to cloak with you? On Therum, deep down in the mines. That was the beginning."

"Sure, I fully intended on protecting you at the time. It fits with Dr. Chakwas' theory about how I'm able to transfer my abilities to you, through our collective unconscious. But, Liara, we didn't even know each other back then… If this is all true, then that part still makes no sense."

"I know," she resigned herself to accept. "I know, Shepard. I do not fully understand this, either. If I could give you all the answers, I would. This is all I know. This is all we have. Until we learn more, I cannot speculate as to the rest. I am relieved that we know this much, at least. Aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am…"

Taking all of this in, I did believe what Liara had told me.

Still, there was always something else. Something else we didn't know.

I thought back to Benezia's other notes from the lab on Noveria where we'd found her—the ones that Tali worked to unencrypt for us. Because if Benezia had known all of this information about the Protheans, there was no telling what we'd find on these other notes of hers.

But, regardless of what we did and didn't know at this point, we had a fighting chance against the Reapers now. If we could find a way to replicate the way Liara protected my mind from indoctrination—if Liara could study the Protheans' methods with this, and give our soldiers and maybe our civilians a more accessible way of fighting this—then we had a way to defeat the enemy.

Even if it meant fighting a long war that we might not have won in the end. There was always a chance.

There was always a chance…

There was always hope.

That faith, that belief, even if it was fleeting—it would keep the galaxy fighting.

I wanted to believe that. I really wanted to; this was our best shot. But for some reason…I couldn't.

No matter how much I'd changed lately, I still only knew how to rely on myself.

Was I too cynical? Too hardened, too damaged to trust in a hope and a prayer like this?

Staring up at this false goddess Athame, I couldn't help feeling that maybe, just maybe…I actually was right to only trust in my own abilities. At least for now. Like it would've been pointless—a stupid waste of time to put my faith in the rest of the galaxy in this way. How the hell could I let myself rely on other people like this, when people constantly proved themselves as unreliable in the best case scenarios?

Even I was unreliable.

I was about to be in a relationship with Ashley, and yet here I was, out on a date with Liara instead…

"You seem troubled, Shepard," noticed Liara. "Is everything all right?"

Why did she ask me that? Shouldn't she have known already?

"Liara, I feel like there's something missing here," I shared. "Like there's a giant piece of the puzzle that we're just not seeing somehow. Like we're thinking way too small about this indoctrination thing."

"Really?" she asked in genuine surprise. "This all seems quite clear to me… What do you mean?"

I rubbed my temples. "I don't know… This is all way over my head. I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night—maybe that's the problem."

Liara stood up. "Then you should return to the ship," she soothed. "Catch up on your sleep. At least while you can."

I found it strange that she knew about this, but not the other thing. "You know about that?"

"Of course," she responded. "You promised Ashley you would meet her at my mother's home at noon. The two of you plan on playing video games with one another—at least until you are interrupted by the others, as you predict. And I recommend being on time. We don't need to speak. I understand you."

"Well, I can't read your mind," I reminded her. "Aside from your email, I don't know what's going on with you. I don't know where we stand here."

Discreet, Liara guided me over to a corner of the temple, one with plenty of structures and artifacts in the way, shielding us from view. Shielding us from anyone outside the entrance, outside those security measures, and from someone who may have looked in and found us like this.

She leaned into my arms, into my hold, so smooth, like water fitting right back into this container of me.

I held her head close to my chest, needing her to hear me, to feel me like this again.

"Shepard, we needn't rush things," murmured Liara. "Not like before. It is clear that you and I will always have this between us. We will always have our bond, as well as the special intimacy it brings. I will be happy as long as I can feel you in this way. Do what you will with Ashley, as I said. What you and I have is important."

This was all I could say: "I guess I just…need some time to get to you know again."

"And I'd like that. Very much so."

I figured it wouldn't hurt to tell her, "Once we're done here in a couple of days, I'm going to tell Joker to get us to Earth. I can show you where I'm from. We can spend time together. Talk again. All of that."

Liara smiled in her gratitude. "Yes, that would be lovely," she replied. "And even if I must share you for now, that is fine. Ashley will inevitably hurt you beyond repair. When that happens, you will let her go."

I already had my answer, but I asked anyway, "How are you so sure…?"

She eased me down by my neck, by my shoulders, lowering me to her.

Liara gave me her answer, wrapped in this patience of her lips under mine, over mine, against mine: like the breadth of entire worlds here in her breath laced with mine, like infinite possibilities spread out across the way she moved into me, needing me again.

Not in desperation this time, like before. This time, she needed me in confidence, because she knew we were unbreakable, no matter what.

And she sewed me back together with this new confidence of hers, building me back up from before.

When Liara pulled away, studying me in this closeness, she found her own answers, whispering to me: "I know you, Shepard. And I know her, how reckless and demanding she is. One day, it will grow to be too much for you. Your tolerances can never bend that far, hence your fears over falling in love with her in the first place." She set her lips over my face, lingering. "Ashley only waited five years for you. I will wait for a thousand, if that's what it takes—until I die."

Surrounded by this divinity around us, I found comfort in Liara's words, in her clairvoyance: how she spoke to my own fears. And I found even more comfort in my own convictions, as confusing as they were right now.

But once we left the temple, and Liara and I parted ways—with her off to wrap up more of her mother's unfinished business, and me heading back to the ship—my intuition sharpened again.

I stopped right in the middle of the city, in this metropolis, staring up to the skyscrapers so high above.

Whatever Liara had been biding her time for, this date of ours was not it.

Even now, obscured from her, I felt that biding from her brimming and brimming more. Such a sense of foreboding overtook me—about her, about Ashley.

Once I felt this anxiety, I remembered that Ashley had sent me that email earlier this morning, before I left to meet Liara, and after she had left my room after our talk at midnight. I couldn't keep ignoring it.

Standing along this pearl white walkway that led back to the Normandy, I checked what this was, consumed right back in the flames of my choices. Consumed, because this was so new and unusual for me—this symbolism, this sentimentality. This appeared to be such a simple email, yet I saw far more here than the words on-screen:

From: Ashley – Superiority.

Commander,

I'm sorry for what I said back in your room earlier. It's your birthday. You were so romantic with me… I should've been more considerate. And…I shouldn't have walked away from that opportunity with you.

I didn't get much sleep after all… Needing my space turned into feeling guilty pretty much as soon as I made it back to the crew's quarters. I spent the whole night in heat, tossing and turning in my bed from how much I want you. I wish you could've heard me. I wish you could've come down to my room, finding me like that. I was such a mess.

Fuck, I need you to do it, right away. Right now.

But, we can't. I guess it's karma—my period started a few minutes ago. It's so annoying… I forgot to tell you I usually get it during the middle of the month. And it tends to last for like four days or so. Depending on how long we're on shore leave for, I seriously screwed myself by keeping my pride with you.

I doubt I'll get much sleep if I try. So I'm going to head back to Liara's place. Watch TV or something until you get here at noon. I still want to spend the whole day with you. All day, all night. I hope you're not too mad at me.

Again, I'm sorry. I miss you. I miss you so much… You have no idea how much I trust you now.

-Ash