Requiem of the Goddess

by Yoshiyuki Ly

Goddess of mind, goddess of heart - closed-off without consent, She cannot flourish; unlocked to the universe in trust and control, She protects from all outside influences. Only one sits atop the throne of Shepard's subjectivity. Ashley/FemShep, Liara/FemShep. Miranda/FemShep, Aria/FemShep. Power plays, intense loves. Renegon Infiltrator FemShep. Spans the Mass Effect Trilogy.

12. Libra - After Hours

"Give Up" by FKA twigs / "After Hours" by The Weeknd

XII. Libra – After Hours

(Shepard)

To: Ashley – Re: Superiority.

Ashley,

You don't have to apologize. You had every reason to be upset.

With that said, I have some thoughts of my own about this situation.

For the record, I will take some time to speak with Liara again, as you told me to do. Beyond that, I don't want you to assume anything about me spending this time with her. You more or less gave the impression that you don't want to know the details. So if you agree to stop bringing her up, and to stop arguing with me about her, we're golden. I understand your resentments, but it's best if we move past this, to avoid the worst happening. Find some other way to vent about it. I'm over it. I'm done.

Regardless of whatever else, I still want you to be with me. That isn't going to change.

And maybe the four days or so are a blessing in disguise. It should give you some time to think about whether you really want to be with me on this level. I don't doubt your convictions. I only get the feeling that if it's not Liara, there will always be someone else you'll feel threatened by. I can't help who ends up being attracted to me. I get the sense you that you'll hold it against me anyway. That wouldn't be fair.

Either way, we'll spend the day together. All day, all night. I'll go along with whatever you want to do.

A small aside: I want you to wear your hair down, with this same style, from now on. I like it on you a lot.

I'll see you soon.

-Shepard

.

From: Ashley – Re: Superiority.

Commander,

I understand what you're saying… I promise I won't bring her up anymore. Not like that. I'm afraid of pissing you off with this. I'll leave it alone. Sorry.

I know it's selfish that I need you to be faithful to me. It's not what we agreed on when we started this thing we have. And I really shouldn't tell you this…it's so pathetic. But if you did cheat on me, if you did break my heart, I still…wouldn't leave you. No matter how many times you might hurt me, I wouldn't be able to let you go. I couldn't move on. I can't quit you. Trust me—it's the truth…

You're the only person in my life who has this kind of influence on me. And I know exactly what I have to do to be the same for you. Whatever you need, Shepard, I can give it to you. I'm the only one who can. No one else. I want you to believe that. I wish you'd accept that I'll never stop fighting for you. Ever.

I'm not letting you give up on me, either, no matter what anyone says. I love you way too much for that.

You'll never admit it, but that's just what you need. As long as you know that I know, then we're fine.

Unrelated, but…I'm really happy you like my hair. I got it cut while we were on the Citadel the day before yesterday. It's a little too short for me to tie it back like I did before, even in combat. So I'll leave it down from now on, just for you. Shouldn't get in the way…not like if you kept your hair down during missions.

I know it's impractical—I wish you would anyway, at least once. You're that gorgeous.

Still can't wait to see you again.

-Ash

---

Chest constricting, heart tightening over and over again, tighter and tighter, I could hardly hold this in.

Walking along this path to Liara's house, I saw the building in the nearing distance, blue and silver as glass glinting in this late-morning light here on Thessia.

Neck and face heated and humid like I was in the middle of a sauna, like some kind of heated, flaming firewall had erected somewhere deep in my psyche, I had started sweating on my way over here—enough to make me fan out the collar of my white shirt, my long sleeves billowing with this wind; not enough to cancel out this fresh scent of me from my shower not too long ago. I ruffled my hair along my scalp to try and alleviate this, the length fanning out behind me as a brief air conditioner. Too brief.

Almost trapped in the dark blue of my jeans, this throbbing heat between me made it difficult to walk normally, but I forced myself to look normal anyway. And my heavy boots seemed to catch more gravity, more ground underneath me, black glistening in the occasional shallow waterways I passed through.

The way Ashley was with me, pedal to the metal at all times, it was…

It was enough to make me lick at this faint bleeding over my gums, from having brushed my teeth too hard, chafing them raw with my cinnamon-flavored toothpaste, to keep Ashley from tasting her.

And it was enough for me to make my way here earlier than I'd planned.

Checking my omni-tool as I stood outside the door to Liara's place, it was only 11am.

Ashley had already said she couldn't wait to see me.

So I headed inside, not knowing what to expect.

Glad that I had dodged a possibly-awkward birthday surprise encounter with everyone waiting for me right by the door, I continued on. Though everyone did seem to be awake, as I heard the sounds of their echoing conversation coming from the kitchen. I followed their voices, curious that they were actually up relatively early after their partying last night. Then again, maybe it wasn't by choice.

The TV in the usual living room was on a news channel, oddly enough: a live broadcast of the Alliance News Network. Showing grainy footage of covert Cerberus operations, the newscasters went on about the organization's efforts to create super humans through their experiments on rachni. They didn't seem to know the official story of what Cerberus had done to Rear Admiral Kahoku—or they did have the information, and they chose not to report it to the masses. For better or for worse, anyway.

I pulled out from my pocket the red pro controller that Ashley gifted me this morning, setting it on the coffee table for now. I looked forward to showing her at least one of my games today.

I went over to the kitchen nearby, finding Wrex, Joker, Garrus, Tali, Kaidan, and Ashley all surrounding the center island in the bright room, engaged in their discussion. They were so engaged, in fact, that they failed to notice me here. So I leaned on the archway of the entrance, arms folded as I listened in:

"No way, we can't get that!" dismissed Joker. "Pizza? Why the heck would Shepard wanna eat something basic like…pizza? Dude, seriously, can you picture it? 'Cause I sure can't!"

Kaidan spoke up, "I'm gonna have to agree with Joker on this one. Shepard's a sophisticated person, don't you think? Whenever we go to the Citadel, she refills her alcohol stocks with some pretty expensive bottles. That's not someone who'd settle for eating plain old pizza all day on her birthday."

Joker persisted, "Of course she's sophisticated—she was a freaking model for crying out loud! This is why I said we shouldn't buy her an actual present. It's the same thing!"

Tali wondered, "Why did you say we shouldn't buy Shepard a real gift?"

Sensible, Ashley said, "We can't afford her. Not on these salaries… Then again, maybe Liara could. I bet she earned a fortune from her Mom's inheritance money she mentioned… Too late to ask now."

She certainly looked nice today in her form-fitting, black sleeveless top and that pair of tight, light jeans. I was intrigued by the classic red-and-white sports sneakers she had on. Ashley would wear those.

Seeing her bare, toned arms supporting her as she leaned over the counter; her long shirt tightened over her breasts and the thin straps of her bra underneath, shaping her hips and rounding around her ass; and the slender slopes of her taut jeans around her long legs down to her shoes—it was perfection.

"True," agreed Garrus. "Just means we have to get creative. Win her over with the right food instead."

Wrex grumbled, "You make her sound like a real snob. What's wrong with pizza? Even I like it, and I hate most of your damn human food! That eezo thing sounds weird, though… I don't trust it."

Ashley gestured to a closed box atop the counter, insisting, "Look, I'm telling you, she'll like what I bought! Why won't you believe me?"

"How do you know for certain?" asked Tali, suspicious. "I thought you knew nothing about her, hm?"

Bailing Ashley out, Garrus said, "Hey, I don't know about you, but the pizza idea sounds like fun for the rest of us. It's got eezo in it, right? And there's a flavor that won't kill Tali and me if we try it? I sure wouldn't mind having some biotic powers for a few minutes after eating some. Even if they are weak."

Flexing blue with his own biotics, Wrex joked, "How 'bout I toss you around for a bit on my own? See how those puny turian scales hold up when I send you flying across the room!"

"Let's settle down, Wrex," cautioned Kaidan. "We don't want any repeats of last night, do we? If we pull this off, and we get the commander to come out with us tonight, she's not gonna be impressed if you start playing hockey again with beer bottles and your biotics."

Wrex defended himself, "I cleaned it all up before Liara found out, didn't I? Unless you ratted me out!"

Before this got heated, I finally asked the group in an unimpressed monotone, "What are you doing?"

Everyone turned around and found me here, gaping at me in their own different ways—until all of their complaints and shock mangled together, indiscernible as a bunch of noise.

Joker's objection pushed through, "Jesus Christ, Commander, it was bad enough when you gave me a heart attack the first time! Why'd you have to go and give me another one?!"

"Yeah, Shepard," hassled Wrex. "What are we doing? What're you doing here?! You're early!"

Tali took note of my heavy boots. "I stand corrected, then," she soured. "It seems you're always silent no matter what kind of shoes you have on. If I wasn't so startled by you right now, I'd be impressed."

Fuming, Ashley stormed over to me—"What the hell?! You said you'd be here at noon! It's only eleven!"

As soon as she reached me here, everyone's attention shifted: they watched us closely, and they watched us with such a telling, nosey interest, trying to learn us here as we interacted together. I figured, since they all knew, there was really no point in pretending anymore. To some extent, anyway.

I gave her my dry reminder, "I said I would be here by noon. There's a difference."

Realizing that I was right, Ashley gave her sheepish reply, "Well, that's not fair…"

Joker sneered, "Wow, way to go, Ash. I guess we can always count on you to be the honorary blonde on the team, huh?"

"Damnit, Joker, no one asked you!"

I pulled Ashley's attention back with ease: "I emailed you about this already. Did I not tell you like half an hour ago that I'd see you soon? Or did you not read the whole thing before you responded to me?"

Ashley explained, "I thought you meant in an hour and a half—half an hour ago…"

"Ash, just because you kept saying at noon, I wasn't going to change my plans."

"So you did know I expected you here at noon!" she spotted. "You just came here earlier to be a creep!"

"Who's creeping around? Does it look like I'm cloaked? Come on."

Exasperated, defeated, Ashley spoke the obvious, "It's like Tali said—you're quiet, that's all… Sorry."

I shrugged, justifying, "Well, I'm here now. Do you want me to come back in an hour or something?"

Nearly everyone shouted, "No!" in unison, making me roll my eyes.

Then they all exchanged looks with one another—disjointed, unprepared. Their emails to me hadn't been enough. I felt their intentions: an impromptu chanting, or worse—singing—of Happy Birthday.

I held my hand up, intercepting them—"Don't. Please, I'm way too cynical for that shit."

Kaidan laughed first. "That you are, Commander."

"Damn," mourned Garrus. "I always wanted to do that for a human at least once. Seemed exciting."

Tali sounded amused, "Hmm, why am I not surprised you hate this particular tradition?"

Wrex ridiculed, "I wasn't gonna sing it anyway. Sounds dumb to me! And depressing, for my people."

"Crap," worried Joker. "I thought you'd at least stand there and let us make things awkward for you."

Ashley snapped at him, "I told you! You should've listened to me!"

While the team continued their debate about what to eat for the rest of the day, I stood by Ashley's side at the island in the middle of the kitchen. This box of whatever food she had bought had me intrigued. I pulled it toward me, opening it, and finding a pleasant surprise that reached my nose first:

Buttery, fresh, and still warm—Ashley had decided on cinnamon rolls for me.

Leaning over the surface, languid, I couldn't help smiling a little, eyes lighting up, almost child-like, feeling like a kid again. I helped myself to some of the rolls, glad they weren't obnoxiously huge: small enough to fit in my hand. I enjoyed this taste, much more savory than my usual toothpaste, obviously.

I thought back to home, back to the days I used to spend out on those pearly beaches with my old friends. There was always a trusty stand out on the boardwalks where someone would sell fresh, warm churros, or fluffy baked cinnamon sticks. Back when we didn't have much money, we could at least afford these, sometimes surviving a couple of days on a single one if we really had to.

All I needed was a frothy, sweet Orange Julius drink and that would've rounded out the nostalgia.

I hadn't thought back to those days in a long time, though. How unexpected… So much had changed since then.

Most of my friends had died on the streets, depressed and alone, having overdosed on red sand—or they'd gotten shot to death over stupid shit, over nothing, over the gang wars that had plagued us.

Or we had gotten separated after losing our only real home, once the city's gentrification efforts had evicted us and bulldozed away our memories, our stability—and the only dignity we'd had left.

Or we had just lost touch over the years, especially once I saved myself by taking on a job I didn't want.

On a superficial level, anyway, I hadn't had these same mannerisms of mine back then: hooking this roll with my thumb and middle finger, keeping my smallest one fanned out ever so much; and chewing with the faintest of indications that I even had anything in my mouth at all. And even when I did chew, I hated the thought of anyone seeing me do it. Instinctively, I kept this roll right in front of my mouth, only a breath away, guarding myself behind it while I stared off in a focused intensity, thinking on this.

Of course, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted Ashley staring at me, giving herself away, more.

I didn't mean to lick my lips, tasting this lingering aftereffect of butter and cinnamon.

Ashley couldn't even think to hide her burning face in her hands or anything. She kept staring. She kept her thoughts plain in her eyes, and in her beautiful face, of how much she wanted me. How much she needed me to lift her onto this counter, get on top of her and kiss her, and fuck her—immediately.

Or she wanted me to eat her out, though not quite as graceful as I was with this cinnamon roll.

Too bad she was on her period…

And everyone watched her watching me with those filthy, desperate thoughts of hers.

I kept on pretending I didn't notice; kept on pretending my attention was elsewhere as I ate.

I fooled the team into thinking I was oblivious, getting them to give themselves away, too:

"Ash!" interrupted Joker, waving his hand in front of her face. "Earth to Ashley! Thessia to Ashley! Hey! Stare any harder and you'll broadcast this thing to the whole galaxy! You know what the vid's gonna be called? Will They or Won't They: How Ashley Williams Needs Commander Shepard to Bang Her, Badly!"

Ashley realized what she'd done, and turned a brighter red, hiding. "Oh, God… Did I seriously just…?"

Tali teased her, "You're terrible at this, you know."

Wrex gave a bellowing laugh. "No shit! I wondered how long it'd take before you cracked in front of us."

Garrus just had to say, "Looks like the cat's finally out of the bag, huh? I told you, Chief."

Kaidan almost laughed. "You've been saving that one for this exact occasion, haven't you, Garrus?"

"Maybe I have, Kaidan. Maybe I have."

"Hey, wait a minute!" protested Ashley. "I mean, Garrus told me that you guys probably knew… But—am I really that obvious?"

This time, mostly everyone said, "Yes!" at once.

Tali reiterated something that Ashley had very likely said: "Subtlety's not your thing, remember?"

"Hah, yeah right!" mocked Joker. "Screw being subtle! This is like you firing off a gigantic flare whenever Shepard's around, begging her to f—"

"—okay, okay!" conceded Ashley. "I'm the worst at hiding what I want. I get it! Can we drop this now?!"

"Oh, hell no! Ash, we are so having this conversation! Do you even know how awesome this is!? We spent the past three months giving you chance after chance, just waiting for you to slip up! Aside from you and Shepard burning down whatever rooms you were in, we had nothing. Turns out, all we had to do was put you and the commander together while she eats something that could be a lot like your—"

Kaidan stopped him there. "Whoa, Joker… Might be a little too early in the day for that conversation…"

Finishing my breakfast, I stopped myself from licking this cinnamon off of my fingers, even in subtlety. I went over to the sink instead, washing my hands with this blueberry-scented soap. That was enough to get the group to drop their so-called conversation, however abrupt, not wanting me to know what they then went back to their innocuous—and less heated—discussion about food for the day.

I left everyone to their supposedly innocent debate, returning to the living room.

Too humiliated to stay with them now, Ashley followed me to the couch, suffering the sounds of Wrex and Joker sniggering in her wake.

Sitting down with her right next to me, I fiddled with the remote and the TV appropriately. I used my omni-tool and my new controller to connect my virtual game console to this screen. Sorting this all out, I figured it was best to give Ashley a moment to get herself together. Then again, I wasn't exactly clear on why she was so embarrassed. She gave the impression that she would've been proud for anyone to know that we were involved.

Unless she wanted to avoid the truth of how deep this went, knowing that the others would ask.

Not ashamed with me in private; still ashamed of anyone else discovering those depths.

Once I found that my system needed to download and install an update, I looked to Ashley again.

I said to her, "Thanks for the food, by the way. I have a weakness for cinnamon. You all right, babe?"

That one thing set her off again and again, all over again.

Ashley shifted in her seat, shifting against me, wondering, "How long is this update going to take?"

"About ten minutes, maybe," I estimated. "One of the downsides of playing such old games. Why?"

Standing up with a suddenness, she held my hand and said, "Come with me. Right now."

I let her pull me along, knowing that the others stared and stared from the kitchen.

Down the hall Ashley dragged me to the nearest guest bathroom.

She opened the door. I gestured for her to walk inside first. Appreciating my manners while at the same time having no patience for them right now, she yanked me in the room with her. Ridges of my boots snapping atop the marble of the flooring, Ashley closed the door shut behind me. I hardly had any time to take in what the bathroom looked like, aside from the impressive amount of space in here.

Slamming me, hard, Ashley pushed my back against the surface of the door. Before the back of my head could slam there, too, with that momentum, she pulled my shoulders, pulled at my neck, pulling me down so that I was level with her. And she angled herself up to me, holding on to me for support.

Penetrating my mouth with the thick of her lips alone, and in one continuous motion of deprivation, she pushed at mine, so hard and so deep against mine.

Needing to breathe me, Ashley all but fused herself with me, hating this separation, hating this distance.

Rebelling against it all, she licked at my lips and bit at them with enough restraint, instead pressing herself so hard into me, reinventing my own breaths and body heat to compete with hers, breathless and relentless—and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't keep up with her sudden onslaught, the way she pulled at my hands to make me grip her hips, the way she climbed me, the way she kept pushing me back against this door in impatience, impatience, impatience—

Trying to break away to fucking breathe, "Ashley—"

Ramming me, harder, she refused to relent.

As much as I tried to breathe outside of her, Ashley took everything right from my mouth for herself.

She expected me to take enough right back for myself, right from her, even as much as her tongue burrowed against mine in this strength of hers, igniting me.

As soon as I gave this back to her—wrapping her torso in my arms, locking her in my own strength—she let out such a sound, such a high sound of surprise that made me smirk against her, baring my teeth.

Ashley couldn't take it, not even for this brief moment.

She burrowed her face against my chest, heaving for breath in my hold.

And once I let her hear this deep laugh of mine—sinister, knowing—she almost bucked her knees.

"Oh, no," she whined. "No, why now? Why today? Fuck, I should've stayed with you last night…"

"I'm sure you've learned your lesson," I lectured.

Ashley pushed at me a bit, enough to make me relax my hold around her. "Yeah," she agreed. "I'm letting you know as soon as this is done with." She then looked up at me all of a sudden, sheepish again, but more…apologetic this time. "Um…could you—give me a minute?"

Suffocating my laughter back, for now, I asked her, "You have to change it now?"

"Ugh…"

She was so damn embarrassed; I cracked up, freer than I'd meant to, and loud enough for all to hear.

Even more embarrassed, Ashley maneuvered me aside, and then maneuvered the door open.

"Get out, Shepard!" she shouted, as she all but ejected me back out to the hall. I kept laughing. "God, you're such a fucking jerk! Will you go back to the living room and wait for me already?!"

Somewhere down the hallway, I saw someone tugging Joker back around the corner, causing his pilot's cap to fall from his head. Groaning and cursing in agony, Joker struggled to bend down and retrieve his hat from the floor, his brittle bones aching and protesting against him as he did.

Barely able to breathe as I leaned against this wall, I just kept on laughing anyway.

Ashley shut the door, locking it—red of the door controls gleaming in heated warning.

I managed to amble far enough away from the bathroom, for now, still catching my breath.

I gave Joker and his accomplice, or rather his accomplices, enough time to run back to the kitchen, again with me pretending as if I didn't notice their ridiculousness.

Once that time had passed, I went back to the living room, back to the couch, still smiling.

I knew that the others wanted to come in here—they wanted so badly to ask what that was all about.

Somehow, they managed to restrain themselves, keeping their conversation to a curious whisper.

My system had finished with this update, anyway. I continued the setup process of logging into my profile, scrolling through my virtual collection of games afterward. With Ashley on my mind, I paused over a few other games—stealth, action-adventure, RPGs—wondering if she would like them. I already planned on playing the one she had asked me about yesterday. Still, it was nice to think about her in this way, figuring out what she might've been into if she ever decided to play something on her own.

For some reason, I could really see her liking competitive shooters, instead of this cooperative one.

Or anything competitive. Anything with multiplayer, with a ranking system. Anything to prove herself.

I started up my N7 game right on time: Ashley returned to the room, looking grumpy.

I stood up on her arrival and faced her.

She stopped, noticing me, noticing my meaning.

Grumpiness subsiding, Ashley instead burned in reticence with everyone's attention on us. She made her way back over to me. I tracked her with my eyes and my body, keeping any other distracting thoughts out of my expression. I seemed peaceable enough, and I was. But once Ashley reached me, her lingering embarrassment wouldn't let her enjoy this; she put her hands atop my shoulders, plopping me back down over the couch. She then hid her face against my shoulder, holding onto my arm, clinging.

She said nothing, so I took my cue, picking the controller back up and getting started.

Though Ashley did smile into me when she saw that I chose to put her gift to use.

I cycled through my roster of characters and classes, figuring out what to show her first.

I always played infiltrators.

Maybe I could pick something different this time; or maybe I'd look through all of these characters, humor myself as usual, and then go back to what I was used to.

Ashley gaped at the screen. "Is that a geth?!" she balked, offended. "You can play as a geth in this game? Different kinds of geth? And vorcha, too? Vorcha can be sentinels?! What the hell!?"

Sighing, I told her, "It's just a game, Ash… It isn't real."

"I know, but… We've scoped down tons of those tin cans out there! And this game lets you…be one?"

"This is only a game," I reiterated. "It's not blasphemy. We're not going to hell for playing as a geth. There are friendly units we can play as, and there's an enemy faction of geth to fight against. And there are even mock battles against the Alliance as another enemy unit. The geth here are just as flexible."

"That's so weird…" Ashley seriously reconsidered this, for me. "I wanna watch you play as one, then."

I asked her, "Which class do you want me to be? There's only geth soldier, engineer, or infiltrator."

Humming as I showed her the selection, Ashley settled on, "Infiltrator."

"I'm not surprised," I replied, smiling.

"I want to see you in your element, Shepard. No surprise there."

I assumed that Ashley also wanted to see my sniper rifle play, so I made sure I had my weapon and equipment set up accordingly.

I then searched for a lobby on the usual Gold difficulty setting, finding one right away.

I was only the third person to join. As we waited for one more player, I spotted Ashley taking note of the information about me on the screen: my profile name, my Sniper banner and designation, my N7 rank.

"I like your gamer name," she complimented. "Vespair. It's—easy to remember. Unique, too."

"Just don't tell anyone what it is," I said. "For obvious reasons."

"My lips are sealed."

While we waited, though, I sensed that Ashley wanted to ask me about something.

Perhaps she wasn't sure if she should ask, hence this hesitant flavor to her silence.

I prompted her, "What's on your mind, babe?"

Getting straight into it, Ashley recalled, "You never mention having cramps or anything. No headaches, no mood swings. I've been trying to figure out when that time of the month is where you might seriously need your space. So…why don't you talk about those things with me?"

"Because there's nothing to talk about."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I tried again, differently, "I don't have those problems, Ashley."

"Wait. Are you saying…?"

"I dealt with this a long time ago—permanently," I explained. "As soon as I had the money, I got the procedure done. I did it for personal reasons and professional ones. With my specialization, it would be too inconvenient to have that get in the way of a possible long-term operation, like how Torfan was for me. If I'm stuck somewhere for several days, and there's no way to leave for a while, that's…too much."

"Oh… Makes sense," reasoned Ashley, disappointed. "Then what were your personal reasons?"

Once this fourth person finally joined, I checked myself as ready along with my other teammates.

We began loading into the match. But this fourth person's name, Infiltrait0rN7, seemed familiar to me…

"It was too…inconvenient," was all I said.

Ashley wanted more, "That's all…?"

I knew this was personal for her. "Ash, I grew up in a fucked up world. Yeah, I had adults who cared about me, who looked out for me. They kept a roof over my head, kept me in school, all of that. But the rest of the world gave up on us…on me. I could only watch as I lost those adults to their own demons, to drugs, to the bottom of a bottle of alcohol. I've seen my own best friends get shot before my eyes all because they walked on the wrong side of the street, wearing black instead of red. That was all I knew until I got out. Why would I want to bring a child into that world? It would've been irresponsible of me."

And I somehow told her that story, all while playing this game with my usual concentration, and all while sniping headshots one after another, like it didn't matter.

Meanwhile, Ashley's breaths tightened, all as she held my arm tighter, watching me play. I couldn't help noticing the way she tracked my thumbs, how I flicked the analog sticks in precision for those headshots.

Aside from how much she valued family in general, I got the sense that this upset her for other reasons. Reasons that she wouldn't dare tell me at a time like this. Some of those reasons, I was sure, had to do with how much she worried for me—how much I had seen, and how desensitized I was to everything.

Even now, I shot these virtual Alliance units like they were nothing, blood spattering; not caring at all.

Yet Ashley wished to learn from me: "How did you do it, Shepard…? How'd you keep yourself together?"

"I didn't," I admitted. "I avoided most things, and I ran away from the rest. I found enough control that way. Anything to keep me from feeling that uncontrollable anguish of losing everything—again."

She still wanted to know, "But how? How'd you pull it off? How'd you keep going? How'd you stay alive when it seemed like your entire world wanted you dead?"

"I survived, Ash. Survival at all costs. The moment I felt threatened by someone, it was either kill or be killed. I usually had no time to de-escalate the problem; to use my diplomacy you're so familiar with. If I had time, then the person was already dead anyway. Give me time, and I will plan, stalk, and then kill. Don't give me time, and I will snap and terrify someone; overwhelm their mind. Either way, I'll win."

Reinforcement: Ashley watched my gameplay, watching how I never hesitated, how I never stopped.

Planning my approach with my cloak hiding me, stalking—and then I took the shots, every time.

And she didn't shy away from me, listening to me speak like this in such coldness.

"I have a lot to learn from you," said Ashley. "Tell me more about your instincts. I want to know."

We spent a few hours talking about this as I kept playing, with Ashley absorbing my every word.

Though speaking of my instincts: at some point during our conversation, I spotted Tali out of the corner of my eye, walking down the hall. It looked like she was on her way upstairs to the bedrooms there. Probably heading to Liara's room. Tali had her head canted down, attention intensely focused on her omni-tool, the orange glow reflecting off of the violet of her mask. I imagined she was in the middle of talking with Liara through the chat room. Maybe they were busy messaging each other privately. And even though I couldn't see Tali's face, there was something about her that seemed highly emotional. Emotional, yet controlled. Anxious?

I was tempted to go follow her. To ask if she was all right. Something told me to give Tali her space instead. She was clearly in the middle of something important. Something that was likely none of my business. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Compared to me—her family and sexuality issues aside—she'd grown up in a relatively sheltered life.

Ashley had a biological family who cared for her. She'd had normal friends at school. She'd had her sports teams to focus on, and a future to look forward to. She'd never had to worry about protecting herself or her sisters from yet another gang war, from yet another drive-by shooting at home. She'd never had to deal with the danger of surviving in that world: to either join up with one of the gangs and start dealing, start walking the streets for credits, or finding some other miracle to make it all stop.

I had found some other miracle, and now I was here with Ashley, as her dream come true.

It always came down to this.

It always came back to this, with Ashley's heart prevailing over all else.

After these few hours discussing this brutal topic, she asked me to stop playing, at least for now.

I left the lobby and returned to the main menu, letting the ambiance from this music fill the room. I set my controller down on the table, out of the way. And I turned to face her, giving her my full attention.

The rest of the team had found their way to the other, smaller living room, staying quiet over there.

They'd ceded this larger space to us, giving us this privacy, somehow without spying on us—all as the best birthday present they could've given me.

As for Ashley, I had felt this conversation coming for a long time now. Whenever she brought up her family, telling me anecdotal stories about her sisters or her parents, I never knew how to feel, how to react. I knew everyone's names. I knew their quirks, their personalities secondhand. I knew the objective details. But I could never know what it was like to have that kind of bond with someone, romantic or otherwise—to rely on that someone, and to trust that they would always be there, no matter what.

"Shepard, I have to ask you about this," said Ashley, pushing her caution away. "You know how much family means to me. And I've always known you were an orphan… I don't think it's really hit me before: how different we are from each other. It's hitting me now, with this conversation. The girlfriends you've had in the past…did they ever want something more with you? You know—marriage, kids, a home…"

I responded, "They all did. One of my exes admitted that she planned on proposing to me."

"Why didn't she go through with it…? And how long ago was this?"

"She didn't go through with it because I wasn't there. We'd planned on taking some elaborate trip together. But about a week before, we got into a stupid fight. For me, it was one stupid fight too many. I ended up not going with her. She had bought me a ring and everything. This happened seven years ago."

Ashley didn't want to know the answer to this, yet she asked anyway, "Would you have told her yes? Even if you were just—caught up in the moment?"

"No."

"Then why were you with her if you didn't…if you didn't want to be with her long-term like that?"

She had gotten to the heart of a foreign, uncomfortable issue for me.

"Ashley, not every relationship leads to marriage," I said instead. "Otherwise the divorce rate across the galaxy would be much higher than it is now."

"That's not what I mean, Shepard," insisted Ashley, getting right back to this issue. "I'm talking about your ex. I'm talking about you. Why be with her like that if you didn't want to marry her? She wouldn't have proposed unless you two were serious. You were serious, right?"

"We were," I replied.

"So…?"

"I was too young. I wasn't ready. And I didn't know what marriage meant. I wouldn't have known how to honor her as my wife. All I really cared about was work. When I wasn't deployed, I would stay with her, and she would try to take care of me. We argued too much. I checked out from the relationship. I left."

Now that Ashley seemed anxious in her silence—shallow breaths, shaking—it suddenly hit me.

Back when I'd assumed that Liara was the type to not have sex unless she was in a relationship with someone—unless this someone valued marriage; unless the relationship could have led to marriage—I had made the wrong assumption. Or I'd made the right assumption, but about the wrong person.

Or maybe not quite, still.

I remembered that Ashley had hooked up with others in the past. She'd been able to make that disconnect, living in the moment. And perhaps, at some point, she had been able to make that same disconnect with me, not really minding either way if I did or did not share these strong values that she treasured so much. Regardless, she had been happy to be with me in the moment, every moment.

But our situation kept escalating.

And now that we had shared our feelings on what we wanted with each other in trust—in dominance, in submission—the situation had escalated once again.

Obviously, Ashley would not ask me the most direct questions about this.

She knew that it was way too much, way too soon.

Still, there were plenty of other questions she could have asked me to fill in the blanks instead.

But she seemed to only draw those exact same blanks in her nerves.

"Ash, let me help you out here," I offered. "My situations with my exes are all in the past. And even when I did tell you my state of mind at the time, it was also just that—in the past. I'm not the same person I was years ago, or even months ago. A lot's changed. My life…has changed. I've changed."

Searching my eyes, Ashley needed to know, "How've you changed, then? Tell me. Please…"

I wanted to dodge her question.

I wanted to point out that she already knew the answer to her question.

She had watched me change over this time.

The team had watched me change over this time.

Everything around me had watched me change over this time.

"I'm more…responsible," I listed. "And I'm more likely to put someone else's needs above my own. I tried doing this with my exes, since it is a natural part of who I am. That clashed with my unwillingness to actually love them. I didn't know what any of that meant… I have a better idea these days." Taking this risk, I chose to remind her: "I know you're upset about what I did with Liara back then… But the truth is, she unlocked this growth in me. I wouldn't be this way with you now if not for her. Really."

Ashley was satisfied enough with that, and took a figurative step forward to ask, "Could you fall in love with me, despite how afraid you are? Could you do it, knowing what I want someday down the line…?"

"I could fall in love with you because of how afraid I am. And I've already accepted this about you."

Listening to me speak with my fears and convictions both, with my convictions overriding all else, I saw the change in Ashley's eyes, in her demeanor.

After all this time, she'd chased after me, relentlessly and without rest, without expecting anything in return. She had been content to express herself to me, to get to know me, to go at my slow, glacial pace. She had loved me in my distance, promising to stand by me anyway.

Now, these flames had evolved and converged, enough to unsettle her in what this meant.

And I hadn't even told her the full truth: that I knew for certain I would fall in love with her someday.

Someday continued to speed closer, sooner and sooner by the second, ready to shatter me, to end me.

I had Ashley lie down along the couch, her head and her shoulders propped up by the armrest.

Knowing that we couldn't do anything, I settled myself between her anyway, resting my head over her chest. I felt blanketed by the tightness of her jeans, her long legs around me. Buffered by her quiet shock, and tempered by these limitations, Ashley held me closer in a natural instinct. Breathing slowed and under duress from her thoughts, she let herself be here with me in this moment, uninterrupted.

As natural as this was for her, it was not natural for me.

As much as this soothed her, to have me level with her like this, she didn't soothe me as I'd expected.

During these hours, Ashley gave me a much different feeling than I'd imagined.

Afternoon passing to evening, and evening passing to night, I fell asleep with her here, knowing that she stayed awake the entire time. Staying here with me, Ashley refreshed all that I had already felt. She reinforced me, reinvigorated me. She stroked my hair and held me around my back, my shoulders, in a way that reminded me of what I was, strengthening me; not once pulling me out of my own reality.

Ashley needed me to exist as I was—without letting me run away, without letting me stay in my head.

Restoring me, adoring me, I could rest with this feeling from her. At least until it was time to wake again to the rest of the night, the rest of what she and everyone else—and time itself—had in store for me.

---

Armali's city lights at their brightest after sunset: that time was now.

Ashley and the others managed to get me out of the house after dark. As another birthday gift, sort of, Liara had rented a skycar for us, to help us get around the city without needing to rely on public transportation. And she wanted me to drive, letting me decide where I wanted us to go for the night.

We hadn't really eaten anything that day. Aside from me sneaking more cinnamon rolls before leaving Liara's place, I knew I should have gotten some actual dinner tonight. So we headed out to the car—thankfully with two backseats, leaving plenty of room for everyone—while I used my omni-tool to locate the coordinates to the destination I had in mind. I figured we could head downtown, park in one of those communal lots, and then walk the short way to a strip mall and entertainment center nearby.

The team would never ask me directly to take them out to a nightclub. Still, I knew that they wanted to go, so I added that as the second stop to our itinerary, after everyone had eaten dinner at the mall.

Tints of orange and vermillion still distilling across the night skies, I opened the automatic car doors for everyone, lifting. I was glad that they were all wrapped up in conversation already. They broke off into groups: deep in a private discussion as usual, Liara and Tali claimed the backmost seat for themselves, their arms linked together in closeness. That left Garrus and Wrex to almost crush Joker and Kaidan in between them in the middle seat.

I held Ashley's hand as I helped her into the passenger's seat, knowing that she didn't need my help, necessarily, but more for the gesture. Girlish in her delight, she beamed at me the whole time, brighter than the metropolis' lights in the far distance and the glowing clusters of stars in the night sky above.

Music blasting just under everyone's conversations, I drove us to that parking lot in the heart of the city. Feeling no need to rush, I found myself relishing this time, this energy, with the team seeming to enjoy the simmering booms of my trip-hop and electronic music drilling through the skycar's speaker system.

I felt that drilling even more through Ashley's hand in mine, using my other hand to drive just fine. Out of the corner of my eye, I held her serenity and joy unbridled as she gazed at me from time to time. I knew she enjoyed this more because everyone watched us, even as the guys joked around right behind us, making it quite obvious that they saw our hands interlaced over the center armrest in their view.

Though I did spot Liara leering at me each time I looked in the rear-view mirror, the hard focus of her blue eyes lanced by the passing headlights and brighter lights as I drove along.

Maybe Tali, too, at least from the way her helmet faced me in this intensity, her obscurity crossed and lined by the same flashing lights.

Ashley couldn't notice them from where she sat, busy enjoying the music, the moment, the memory.

After making it to the parking lot, we then took the short walk to the tall, tall city center that housed all kinds of places for leisure and entertainment here in downtown Armali.

Holding Ashley's hand again as we walked, I felt myself guiding her with pride, however subtle. I kept my thumb over hers, interlacing laced appropriately—and in this lacing, her touch heated mine in continuous pulses, radiating without sweating. Clean comfort and a perfect fit, our fingers equally thin.

All around us, I spotted the passing asari and the handful of people from other species, staring at us.

Staring at Ashley here with me, staring at me here with her; walking around us to cede a path.

I knew Ashley liked the attention—this kind of attention with me.

As high as the skyscrapers raised around us, skycars whirring by way overhead in lines of brake lights and headlights, this was what kept her attention here on the ground with me, smiling up at me often.

Every now and then, she would turn around to talk to the guys, too, though her real focus never left me.

I did note her efforts to keep Kaidan included in the conversation about the city, as Joker, Garrus, and Wrex talked about our surroundings. The asari and other pedestrians made an extra effort to walk around us because of Wrex, because of his size and his stature. Enjoying the wide berth, Wrex made a point to flex his arms and lean forward every time he noticed yet another asari staring at him in terror.

And still, Tali and Liara stayed at the back, almost removing themselves from us to speak alone.

Once we made it to the mall at the top of the city center, the other people around us weren't so concerned about our group, instead going about their own business and entertainment up here. Rows and rows of shops, restaurants, bars, play centers, and more, I liked how this place felt like an indoor plaza with the roof open to the stars above. Plenty of waterfalls, statues of silver and blue marble, and fine architecture that somehow reminded me of the Temple of Athame, I enjoyed this aesthetic here.

We soon splintered off into groups to go do our own thing.

Garrus and Wrex went to go play laser tag, with Joker joining them to help keep score.

Liara and Tali meandered off somewhere.

I lost sight of Kaidan, but I knew he had to be alone. I decided to find him, sooner rather than later.

And Ashley stayed with me, letting me keep holding her hand as we ambled through the mall together.

"So what do you want to eat?" she asked me, as we passed by a tall, scenic waterfall. "Or did you just wanna walk around for a bit? This place is really pretty… I figured you'd pick out something like this."

"I'm actually looking for Kaidan," I said. "He wasn't with the guys when they left to go play laser tag."

Ashley realized all of a sudden that we had lost him. "Oh, shoot! Where did he go?"

"Not sure. Any idea what type of place he might've gone to?"

"Probably somewhere to catch the game. I think it's live right now. I was gonna watch the vid later."

"Game?" I asked. "What game?"

Ashley replied, "Football, what else? American football, I mean. Not soccer." I remembered Kaidan had been watching a football game when I found him yesterday, but… "Come on, Shepard. You know!"

"Can't say I do. What's the big deal?"

"It's kind of crazy this season," explained Ashley, pretty animated. "Looks like an American team might finally make it to the Super Bowl! The New York Giants have the best chance so far. Depends on what happens tonight. We have to get one of our teams in there next year! The Beijing Dragons are looking way too strong. The Giants are the only ones who can put them down and get that championship!"

Even though she had been kind enough to use layman's terms with me, I still gave her a blank look.

Smirking now, Ashley asked me, "You don't know anything about sports, do you, Shepard?"

I made an attempt:

"…I know that my hometown's football team sucks so hard that we lost our stadium way back when. And I know that they have a rivalry with the Oakland Raiders. We felt that rivalry out on the streets when I was younger. Our basketball team sucks, too. It barely exists anymore next to the Lakers up in Los Angeles. I also ran into a lot of basketball players whenever I was in L.A. walking for Fashion Week. I met some football players, too, when the Super Bowl was in San Francisco a while back. After parties."

"Yeah, you should know that!" said Ashley. "San Diego Chargers versus the Oakland Raiders—that's required learning. It's amazing that you got to meet all those players. When I was in high school, I swear that was my dream…" Ribbing me, she asked in a teasing voice, "That all you know? Anything else?"

One last attempt:

"And…I know that the fifty-yard line is the center of a football field. That's it."

Ashley laughed. "Okay, now that's adorable," she teased, more. "You'd think a SoCal gal would know more about the games. The Lakers are legendary. Five championships in less than a decade? No one's managed to beat their record yet, and that was from centuries ago!"

I bit back my own laugh. "Ash, what did you call me…?"

"You heard me, Shepard! You're from sunny Southern California. SoCal. SoCal gal. That's what you are!"

"Sounds like some kind of reference to a song or something…"

"Might be… Can't remember where I heard it from. Just that it made me think of you."

"Well, you're not even from Earth," I pointed out. "You were born on a colony, weren't you? Sirona, out in the Ursae Majoris system? Why do you root for American teams instead of, say, Canadian ones?"

Ashley smiled, happy to tell me, "Yeah, you remembered right. It's not like we had a dedicated team out on Sirona or anything. So, we got to pick and choose. Dad usually had the game on when he was home, cheering for the American teams. I miss when he'd have his military friends over for watch parties. He'd throw something on the grill and crack open a bunch of beers. He'd let me drink a little while I watched the game with them. And he'd brag to his friends about how I'd make the League myself someday…"

That was impressive. "Really? You never mentioned that before… Just that you played sports in school."

"Mmm, I know," she replied, wistful. "I mean, it's pretty obvious I was a jock back then: I loved swimming and football. It's how I met my first ex—you know, the basketball player. I was a linebacker for the varsity girls' football team. Or, teams, I guess… I didn't get the chance to stick to just one school. I transferred three times before settling in junior year. That's…the one thing that hurt my chances."

"Right, since your family was always moving around whenever your father got deployed somewhere."

"Pretty much," confirmed Ashley, sighing. "That's why I never brought it up. Still hurts to think about how different my life could've been. If I had the chance to make a name for myself at one school, I could've gotten a sports scholarship. Every NFL rep I met was impressed with my stats. Maybe I really would've played on one of the co-ed teams in the League. I could've been a pro. Now I'll never know."

I wondered, "Is that another reason why you resented your responsibilities at home?"

"Yeah, no kidding there… I was so mad about it. Made me rebel against the whole military family thing, too. I kept telling my Dad I wanted to play professionally one day instead. He wanted me to carry on tradition. All that bragging he did during game nights and Super Bowl Sundays was just for show…"

She went quiet as we continued walking together, passing by a string of restaurants.

The smells of so many different types of cuisines from across the galaxy—it made my mouth water.

More important than my hunger, Ashley frowned, staring down at our shoes in-step, deep in thought.

Hoping to cheer her up, I recited, "God makes no mistakes… Or so I've heard."

Within seconds, Ashley found herself again, laughing in brightness.

Giving me a swift kiss, still blazing enough to singe me, she kept on smiling.

"I've heard the same," she joked. "Thanks, Shepard. For putting things back into perspective for me."

"Any time, babe," I told her, smiling with her smile.

We soon found Kaidan standing by himself outside a loud, packed restaurant called the Fifty-Yard Line Sports Bar & Grill. He lingered there, staring inside with a pale sadness about him, seeming to wonder if he should bother going inside alone. But it looked like that football game was on across the large TV screens above the restaurant's bar and around the rest of the building. So he kept considering.

Ashley noticed the sullenness about him. "Is he okay…? I haven't seen him like this in a while…"

I knew it wasn't my place to tell her.

I couldn't even let her know about the plans for San Diego without possibly giving this away.

"Why don't you go join Kaidan for dinner?" I suggested instead. "The two of you can watch the game together. Have those beers at the bar, maybe, after you eat."

"That sounds like fun, but… What about you? Where will you go?"

I pointed behind me. "I'll find somewhere to eat. Maybe a Japanese place. Don't worry about me."

"If you're sure… Just—call me if you change your mind? You could always come with us. I know you're not the galaxy's biggest sports fan or anything…"

"Go ahead without me, Ash," I encouraged.

Not understanding, Ashley agreed anyway. She held my face with both of her hands, so luscious in her goodbye, lingering. I held her waist on instinct, supportive. And even though she was only here with me like this for a moment, that lingering persisted on in near-endlessness. Breathing through me, over me, everyone around us disappeared, evaporating in the heated mist of her longing for me, even now.

I whispered over her parted lips, "Let me know if you need anything. All right?"

"I will…"

Holding my hand, not letting go until the last second—Ashley headed over to Kaidan, giving him an easy smile. The two of them talked about the game for a bit, before walking inside together to the cheering rowdiness of the restaurant. Already, Kaidan looked much better, glad that Ashley had found him.

Pleased that the two of them were settled, I wandered off in a direction at random.

Through my instinctual rear-view mirror, I realized that I wasn't alone.

I escaped into the nearest, dark store filled with such over-the-top grim-dark clothing, speakers blasting with melodramatic goth rock. Activating my tactical cloak, I watched from a corner as Tali and Liara poked their heads inside the store. They looked around, speaking in frustration over how they had lost me. Sighing, they then decided to wait outside the store, basically going on a stake out until I exited.

Seriously?

Seething over the whole thing, I waited in this corner for a bit, suffering the sounds of this stupid music.

It took me too long to remember to put my headphones in.

I relaxed somewhat once I started listening to my own music.

But only that—somewhat.

What the hell were those two doing, stalking me like this? They must've followed after Ashley and me the entire time we'd spent walking around the mall together, watching us… I really couldn't know at a glance what their deal was, and it wasn't like they would tell me if I went up to them and asked.

I needed to figure this out:

From what I knew, Ashley had lied to Tali about the two of us not being involved.

She had kept her word about keeping this a secret. Even if it had meant lying to her best friend, Ashley had fulfilled her end of the bargain…despite everyone already knowing anyway, having figured it out.

So now that things were out in the open, I assumed that Tali was upset over the lies.

And maybe something else, too, more obvious.

I couldn't even begin to know what Liara had told her about this whole thing—or what her deal was.

I had a headache just thinking about it.

Didn't help that I was starving.

Uncloaking and leaving the store, I found Tali and Liara across the way, staring at me. They were right at the entrance of a store, Stargazers, apparently filled with navigational star charts. Whatever conversation they'd had, they stopped, focusing all of their energies into regarding me over here.

I lowered the volume on my music—for now.

Visibly annoyed, I went up to them, asking in smoothness, "So, how are you ladies doing tonight?"

Liara and Tali both clammed up, not knowing how to react to me.

They saw that I was annoyed; they heard that I was not.

Tali chanced replying to me, "We're fine, Shepard… What about you? How are you doing?"

"Not bad, actually," I chatted, throwing them off more. "I was about to find someplace to eat. Think I have a taste for some Japanese food. There's a tempura place a few restaurants down from here. Do you two want to join me?"

They paused again.

They were pretty fucking bad at this, not having planned this far ahead at all.

Liara told me, "I am not particularly hungry… But thank you for the offer."

"Me neither," claimed Tali. "Thanks for asking, though… Why don't you go on ahead?"

I shrugged, saying, "All right, then. I'll call you once it's time to leave to the next place for the night."

Too curious not to ask, Tali inquired, "The next place…? What did you have in mind?"

"Joker wouldn't stop hinting earlier about going out to a club. I picked one out. We'll go there soon."

"Which club might this be?" wondered Liara.

"Dark Goddess," I told her. She widened her eyes. "What? It's the only place around here that plays trip-hop and alternative R&B. I'm sick of the same, tired ass synth dance beats. We're doing this my way."

"Shepard, are you not aware of the club's history? It is the site of a popular film of the same name…"

"Yeah, the cerebral erotica movie about two asari together. Dark Goddess. I know. I like that film, by the way. But as far as I can tell, the club itself is nothing like that. They just play good music. It's dark, and it's not too loud. There's a nice view of the city on the balconies, over in the VIP area. So, we're going."

Tali puzzled, "The—VIP area? How do you even know they'd allow us in there…?"

"I'm a Spectre," I reminded her. "They'll let us in."

A little flirtatious: "Oh… Well, I do enjoy your confidence about this."

"Mmm, I bet," I soured, even though Tali's voice turned me on. "I should go. Try to get something to eat before we head out. You don't want to drink on an empty stomach at the club. Could be dangerous."

No acknowledgments, no goodbyes.

I did my best not to roll my eyes as I left, heading to that Japanese place I'd mentioned to them. Raising the volume back up on my music, I hoped that Ashley had a better time with Kaidan than I had with these two jokers. She hadn't called or emailed me, so I assumed that she was all right.

I also made sure that the Council hadn't emailed me about that Virmire and STG situation. Though I went ahead and configured their alerts to come in as a priority alarm on my omni-tool. I knew, as soon as they did contact me, they'd expect me to head to the Normandy ASAP for a briefing. Their timing was bound to be terrible; I'd have to rush the team off on this mission at the worst possible hour. I knew it.

So far, it looked like we were in the clear to head to San Diego in a couple of days.

I could finally go back home and sleep in the calming peace of my own apartment, in my own bed, awash in the pale golden glow of the city misting in through my windows as everlasting light…

Thinking on it now, maybe I missed home a lot more than I gave myself credit for. Maybe.

Besides that, I couldn't even speculate as to how Tali had changed so much since I'd spoken to her on the ship yesterday, let alone Liara from this morning, after the deep revelations she'd shared with me.

Better yet, why was Liara acting so clueless as to my thoughts and intentions? She should've known.

And, sure enough, she and Tali continued following after me, so indiscreet.

Even once I made it to the restaurant and put my order in, they remained just across the way, staring.

I resigned myself to eating this crispy tempura and drinking my warm sake in false isolation, hoping that the remainder of the night would somehow make up for this unexpected drama.

---

Elevated from the rest of everyone else here in this nightclub, heightened in subspace from this environment alone, I sat and observed, sat and observed. Black leather of a long couch beneath me, hazy darkness of this ceiling above me, the pulsing rhythms and moody beats of this music had tuned into just the right frequency for me, my heart throbbing and drilling in-time with this booming bass all around me. Shining wine glass resting along my upturned palm, the flute of the stem settled between my middle and ring fingers, I drank the fragrant blue of this pure Thessian wine, so refined in flavor.

Such generous space in this VIP area of Dark Goddess: spread out in front of me, across from me, the crowded dance floor roiled in a heady heat from everyone's dancing. Packed even more, the normal area downstairs, we had a view of from up here beyond the railing not too far away, with droves of asari and some other species flooding into the front doors. Coveting all, the walls and halls of this space held everyone in a freeing adventurousness, the coloring of blue so dark that it looked black from here.

That balcony nearby overlooking the glittering lights beneath the night sky, the bustling bar just on the other end of the dance floor: I had the perfect vantage point to observe almost everything from here.

I had the single, sublime view of all that I cared to perceive tonight.

Drinking more, keeping my arm outstretched along the top edge of this couch, and keeping my heavy boot resting atop my opposite knee, I kept Ashley in my view.

Not having had too much to drink yet, she was with Kaidan over on the dance floor. He wasn't one for dancing, just as I wasn't, but Ashley wouldn't let that stop them from having a good time. Surrounded as they were by dozens of others dancing in freedom, Kaidan only stood in place. He smiled as Ashley held both of his hands in hers, shifting his arms back and forth in-time with the beat while she danced a bit. The two of them laughed over the silliness of it all in between the conversation they shared together.

In between keeping an eye on them, I scanned the VIP area to keep track of the rest of the team.

Joker had found some company by one of the booths in a corner. Grinning in shock and just enough slickness—thanks to the drinks he'd had already—he leaned against the leather as two asari stood quite close to him. They fawned over his neckbeard, over the tightness of his shirt, having removed his pilot's cap some time ago. Because he was up here in VIP instead of downstairs with the commoners, they figured that he was someone, so they teased and flirted with him with that one thing on their minds.

Sitting together at the bar, Tali and Garrus drank while they talked, looking to be in quite a serious discussion. Possibly emotional, Tali kept sipping and sipping from her straw, one drink after another; at a loss, Garrus kept buying her more drinks, foolishly hoping to help alleviate whatever the problem was.

I knew for a fact that Tali hadn't eaten any dinner tonight. This was bound to turn into a problem.

I hoped that Garrus kept his Scout's honor over there, too, protecting Ashley's secrets as promised.

Liara was…somewhere, out of my view, perhaps on purpose. I sensed her with such a sharpness tonight.

Nearby, a few people stumbled out of the way as Wrex walked by them. Bottle of alcohol in-hand, Wrex sneered in amusement at the asari fleeing from his line of sight, speaking in fear about the mangled scars over his face. He then noticed me here sitting on the couch, and decided to walk over this way.

Standing in front of me, Wrex acknowledged my presence—"Shepard."

I stared up at him, acknowledging him back—"Wrex."

Wrex guffawed with laughter, before drinking. "You sure do crack me up sometimes, you know," he commented. "You're a real comedian! Anyone ever tell you that?"

He had clearly had more than a few drinks already.

"No, actually," I humored. "You're the first person who's ever told me that."

"In a good mood tonight, then?" he probed.

"You could say that."

Smirking, Wrex gestured to the free space next to me. "Mind if I sit? Wouldn't mind chatting with you tonight, Shepard. My friendly comedian."

I gestured to the same space, saying, "Go ahead." Amused by how the couch shifted somewhat with Wrex's weight, I looked to his drink and asked him, "So what are you having?"

Wrex raised his bottle. "Ryncol," he replied, drinking more. "This is the good stuff. Some of the hardest liquor in the galaxy. Real krogan liquor! It'll mess you right up if you don't have the quads for it. Didn't think they'd have any on a dainty little planet like Thessia. Glad they proved me wrong." He noticed the blue of my wine, the grace of my mannerisms. "That wine you're drinking?"

"Yeah, it is," I confirmed. "Why do you seem surprised?"

Humming, Wrex pointed out, "It's blue, Shepard. Thought you were kind of done with…blue things."

"I wanted to try some."

"Huh. Was that it, then? I don't buy it! You and Liara still have that bond of yours. It's damn powerful. We all see it, every day. That why you're still drinking her tonight on your birthday?"

I needed to know, "Wrex, what are you getting at? Are you making some kind of metaphor here?"

Thinking for a moment, Wrex admitted, "I gotta tell you, I've been following this saga of yours. Listening to the kids go crazy over you, it sure is interesting. Kept me from brooding over other…stuff." Bitter with the reality of his peoples' suffering from the genophage, Wrex drank more. "Your blue tale stopped me from drinking. Your story with Chief? Makes me drink like a fish in radioactive water."

"What do you mean? Are you saying you're stressed out now? Because of Ashley and me?"

"Stressed? No," said Wrex. "You two get me thinking way more these days, feeling all sorts of crap I never wanted. Thought I could care about my problems from a distance, see? Then I watch you of all people opening up your heart to something real. You. Commander Shepard, tougher than the Tuchanka greats, throwing that toughness aside for this real shit. You sure do care about her like that, don't you?"

I wasn't prepared for this conversation at all.

Not with Wrex, of all people, who normally would've been the last person to talk about these things.

I glanced up and across the way, finding Ashley sitting with Kaidan at the bar. The two of them tried to talk to Tali, who wasn't having any of it, and promptly stormed off. Garrus sighed and shook his head, trying to explain what he knew. Then Kaidan stood up, leaving after Tali, determined to follow her trail.

Whatever Garrus did explain, it wasn't enough of an answer to Ashley's concern and cluelessness; brows knitted together in concern, she searched with eyes vacant for a reason as to Tali's behavior, unable to come up with anything solid. Tali must not have mentioned Ashley at all—no indication whatsoever.

By chance, Ashley soon looked up in my exact direction, finding me here with Wrex sitting at my side.

Locking her eyes to mine and mine to hers, her concern and cluelessness vaporized in the faint haze of smoke fogging above the bar. Pulsing from the music, the moody beats and bass from this song darkened my sight red-blue in reflection of this wine, of her, blended as both hues. And this familiar steaming sweat coated my body, my skin, everywhere, covering me in this outward trance.

Sipping more of my wine with this lock of Ashley's fixation on me, I told Wrex in honesty, "Yeah. I do."

"That's…legendary," noted Wrex, drinking again. "Maybe I should finally let myself care, too. Stop running. Stop fighting it. Completely, this time."

Ashley only broke our stare once Garrus waved his hand in front of her face, forcing her back down.

I smirked along the circle's bend of my glass over her deer-in-headlights expression over there.

"I think you should, Wrex," I encouraged. "Let yourself care about your people. Shutting it all off and pretending, running…it never works. All it does is make shit worse in the long-run. Then, you're stuck cleaning up those other problems…before you can face what actually matters. That's wasted time."

Wrex held his empty Ryncol bottle out in front of him, contemplating.

I reminded him, "For now, we're still on shore leave. Enjoy yourself while we can."

"Yeah," agreed Wrex, standing now. "Then that's my cue to get another one! Good talk, Shepard. Good talk. Glad to see you're not scared of getting into this deep stuff. I sure was for the longest… Not anymore, though." He offered his hand. "I've got you to thank for that. Appreciate you hearing me out."

I grabbed his hand with my free one, joining in his tough pull, firm in shared understanding.

"You bet," I told him. "See you around, Wrex. And stay out of trouble."

Chuckling, Wrex headed in the direction of the bar. "No promises there, my friend. No promises there."

As I glanced to the bar again, I spotted Ashley curling her lips into her mouth as she drank her own choice of red, fruit-filled poison for the night, hiding a smile there. Still sitting with Garrus, she seemed to have watched my exchange with Wrex, finding more joy as they talked. I had my confirmation once Wrex made it over there to them: the way he spoke with her first, Ashley gave him such a genuine smile as they chatted, not appearing to notice Garrus looking out and around to the rest of the club.

He must've been looking for Tali, or at least Kaidan, who had gone off to find her earlier.

Finishing the last of my wine, I left my empty glass behind and went looking for Tali myself.

As I walked around, I overheard Joker with those same asari. The three of them sat together at the booth now, with him in the middle bragging about his skills and stories as the best pilot in the Alliance. His companions hung on his every word, oh so captivated and charmed by his cockiness and pride.

And I was sure that Joker had certain plans in mind as he told his tales, inflating his ego even more.

Shaking my head, I returned my focus to finding Tali in this crowd somewhere, somehow.

I circled around the railing that overlooked the lower area, searching both the VIP area and downstairs.

With my attention halved like this, I almost didn't notice that I'd nearly made my way to the bar. Not quite, but still close enough anyway, I could see and hear Ashley laughing with Wrex as they drank together. Garrus had lightened up a little as he drank as well, probably deciding to trust that Kaidan had found Tali somewhere, since he had not returned to the bar empty-handed by now.

Yet I found Liara standing here by this railing near the dance floor, eyes focused on everyone at the bar.

Everyone…or maybe just one specific person.

"Liara," I called, snapping her attention to me. "What are you doing?"

"Shepard!" said Liara, startled. Placing her hand over her chest, she sighed. "I am sorry… You frightened me. I was just contemplating if I ought to join the others… I am not one to drink much alcohol—or, at least, not as much as they appear to be drinking."

"I'm sure they wouldn't mind having your company. You don't have to drink with them."

"Yes, I know… I do not have the best experiences with—social pressures. This awkwardness and anxiety continues to linger, limiting me… I wish I could get rid of it."

"Just go for it, Liara," I told her. "Like I said, you don't have to drink. Let yourself have a good time with the team. They're your friends, right? They'd never pressure you like that. Try something different with them, something new. You might learn a thing or two about yourself that way."

Smiling, she accepted my advice, "That does sound doable. Thank you, Shepard. I will try my best."

Were we seriously having a normal conversation?

Liara had to know how strange and out-of-place this was.

Earlier in the mall with Tali, she was acting so weird.

Earlier in the car with Tali, the look in her eyes through the rear-view mirror had spoken volumes.

It was almost as if we hadn't talked this morning at all; or, we had, but something had changed between then and now, and Liara wasn't willing to broach the subject. She chose to…run away from it instead.

"Before you go do that," I diverted, "Are you gonna tell me what's happening with you?"

Dimming back down to the real emotional level I'd expected, Liara avoided my eyes.

She breathed out, "No…"

"Why not…? We just had a nice morning together. You have to know that I care, don't you?"

"Shepard, now is not the time for this," said Liara, firmer in her torture. "We are out for your birthday. We are supposed to be enjoying ourselves! I don't wish to discuss my feelings here, of all places."

I pointed out, "That's fair, but how did you not know this was on my mind? Shouldn't you know this?"

On the verge of tears, Liara was about to snap at me. Seriously snap at me. She held it back, somehow, swallowing her breaths back down, those breaths billowing with the echoes of the hurtful words she'd barely stopped herself from hurling at me. Not wanting to lose herself in this short-term, in this moment right here, right now, she restricted herself so hard, enough to make her head pulse with her biotics.

I clenched down on my teeth, swallowing this new stinging in my throat that tasted of our white wine.

White to black, Liara had split in a hot second, reminding me too much of someone I used to know.

"Liara… What's going on with you? Why…are you doing this? Why are you looking at me that way?"

With my words, she hovered somewhere in the middle of her splitting now, between the black and white, existing in that gray space for a time as she looked up at me.

She had no words.

She didn't know how to answer me.

But somewhere through her eyes, Liara at least acknowledged that I was worried about her, and that I had damn good reason to be worried.

So, instead of finding her words to reassure me—to reassure herself—she found another solution:

Hidden behind this crowd with me, blanketed by the bass and loudness of the music, Liara settled her hands over my face. So sweet, so gentle, she pulled me down a bit, shielding me more, and keeping us out of view from our team at the bar. She pressed her forehead to mine, her will pushing through bursting walls of fire deep in my mind. And in this soothing gesture, she calmed me from my worries.

She calmed me from…so much more, taking me so much higher with her touch alone, her presence.

Setting me adrift, more, Liara found her words: "Shepard…please forgive me for making you this offer at such an inappropriate place. At an inappropriate time… The others could discover us at any moment. I am not one for dancing, so this will unfortunately be the closest we will come to that as we stand here together… More importantly, I have one last gift for you, for your birthday. It is yours—if you want it."

Relieved that she seemed to be okay now, I whispered to her, "What is it?"

"Close your eyes."

As I did, the weaving blue of Liara's biotics activated through her hands, lighting the last of my sight.

That blue stayed with me even in this darkness, pulsing with the music all around us.

On instinct, I held Liara around her waist, needing to feel her like this.

Liara breathed against me with her pain, finding her own solace as she stayed here with me, giving me this otherworldly affection. Somewhere through the black of my sight, I felt her intentions… I saw the purity of her spirit, of what her mother had tried to foster in her, flailing and failing against the onslaught of our current situation. But that piece of her, now that she was here with me, began falling into the ocean of her limitless expanse, and of her heart and soul, mending itself, expanding anew.

And I felt the same in myself somehow.

After everything, I knew I would always have her here with me.

Even though somewhere, I still worried for her, worrying if I was on the right path, Liara had found this way to reassure me that everything would be just fine.

She spoke to me through that healing, "This gesture is part of asari culture. It is elevated from the one we usually share: melding as a way to share memories, to show affection…or to say goodbye. I wanted you to see how I feel, since you asked… Though I suppose you won't be able to see everything."

I absolutely felt her affection, mending me, and with mine mending her. And this trance she gave me…

Staying as aware as I could, I still needed to know, "So…what's the rest?"

"Shepard, part of this is goodbye," admitted Liara. I held her tighter, my hands shaking. "Not physically… Not in a literal sense. I know how special Ashley is to you. As long as I do not see her at her worst, I will approve of your union together. Whatever you are stopping yourself from, unconsciously, I see now that it will not remain in stasis for much longer. I want you to be prepared for anything."

"If you're really fine with this, then why were you about to snap at me…? What's the matter?"

"Because…our bond had been interrupted again. I thought that it was your doing. I thought that you meant to hurt me on purpose, knowing that I need you so. It was not your fault, and things seem to be fine now. But I still don't have any solid answers as to why this happened again in the first place."

Frustration, so much frustration—"Then why is this a fucking goodbye, even if it isn't literal?"

"I haven't given up on you," insisted Liara. "And I won't. I never will. But after our discussion this morning, I am not nearly as confident about our circumstances as I was before. When I thought I had lost you again, I…nearly lost myself. Having you here stabilizes me." I saw the same, in the way this breezy air of me seemed to sew together this ocean of hers; and the reverse, in the way this ocean of hers kept my winds on-track, steadfast. "I worry about how close we are, Shepard. Not because you will soon be in a relationship with another woman. Not because you are falling in love with her. Not that."

"Is this about what you mentioned in the park?" I wondered. "That mirror you're afraid to look into without me… You say Ashley won't be a problem for you—but how do you know that for sure?"

Liara soothed me more with her biotics, her touch along my face, pressing her lips to mine.

This time, she gave me her scars. She gave me the darkness that stirred in her, still held together by the light she saw and loved in me. Consciousness itself revealed through her, opening me so much more:

"This isn't about me," promised Liara, speaking in attractiveness through my mouth. "So long as you are happy and satisfied, and so long as we have our bond together, I will be fine. This is how I can keep you at my side. I will be happy that way. I am only upset when I feel our connection dimming somehow."

I wasn't entirely convinced, but I didn't want to doubt her convictions. I couldn't doubt her, because—

I felt her clinging to me, completely, just in the way I needed on this level, so unfathomable.

I felt the way she needed me to bolster her, to keep her safe, simply by feeling my trust in her.

I felt Liara existing through me, as if we were the same person almost.

I felt her gripping me even through her own solitude, finding her home here…as I needed.

Liara sensed my sense: "And I would still love to visit your home, to see how you are there, and where you grew up. I am only concerned that we will…fall back into something once we do. Falling back into bed; falling back into sex with one another, but intertwined in love this time… Don't you think?"

"Yes… I feel like we should, though. I still…need you to need me, as selfish as it is. I miss you. I need you."

"Then you will have me—at that time," she said, smiling against me. "Getting into trouble while we still can…unless you change your mind. I believe you just might. Regardless of what you decide, Shepard, I will be here. Though I do feel myself changing. Changing in ways that terrify me. This was what I avoided in choosing not to be in a relationship with you. Running from my own feelings…from who I truly am. I have accepted this, as I told you this morning. And I am glad I did. Still, it is difficult to live with…"

Feeling helpless for her, I needed to know, "What can I do to help, Liara? Tell me…"

"You don't need to do anything. No matter how afraid I am, I will persevere. Do not stop to hold my hand and baby me. I must grow past this. Our bond should be enough to sustain me through the rest."

"But…" I looked deeper into this sea, finding the truth: "Liara, you're not safe. You're under way too much stress. Yeah, you're strong, and I can see the way we hold each other together, but… I hate that I can't fix this. And I'm sorry… Sorry that I thought I could get rid of you so easily before. I'm sorry about everything—I really am. I can never deny how important you are to me. So what if I want to baby you?"

"Shepard…"

I held her tighter, as protective as I could—"You're incredibly precious to me. If I had stayed with you, I would've lost my mind, trying to fix you… I get that. I get that I can't! But, please…don't push me away."

Pulling away instead, Liara dissolved this moment, this vision.

She still stayed in my arms.

I could perceive the rest of her world as normal again, seeing that no one had spotted us here.

None of that mattered right now, though.

Liara held me just as tightly. "I won't do that," she vowed. "I am not pushing you away… I am only trying to tell you…that I accept all that has happened, and will happen in the future. You will be with her. It is inevitable. I don't want you to hold back with Ashley for my sake. She will know, and it will cause much stress for you. You and I are intrinsically linked. This is inescapable. I must put your heart before mine."

Up until then, I hadn't realized how much I needed Liara's selflessness more than her selfishness.

Her willingness to sacrifice for me: it brought up so many reminders of what I had already fallen into with her, completely unconscious, and beyond my notice, my view…until now.

But, this look in her eyes—she didn't want me to say it. Not yet. Because there was way more to come.

Liara continued: "I will protect your mind, always and forever. Please trust in me to do this—that is what I need from you above all. I need your trust. I need you with me in this abstract sense while I continue navigating these troubles of mine. I have taken the critical step of welcoming them into my heart as my friends above all. I feel you here beside them, beside me. Trust me to care for you as I care for myself."

"I trust you, Liara," I said. "What we have is important, like you mentioned earlier. In that sense, I'm not going anywhere…" Liara nodded in a deep acceptance, calming, just as she calmed me, kept me at peace. "Will you be okay, then? Because unless you are, and unless I know that, then I won't be okay. I can't move forward with anything unless I know you're going to be all right somehow. Will you?"

"Yes," breathed Liara, stirring me so. "Yes, I will be… For as long as we have our bond, and it is not interrupted anymore, I will be fine. You needn't worry. I will do my best to…continue with my self-care."

Mostly satisfied with that, I let Liara step out from my hold around her, before anyone saw us.

Making sure: "That's all you need from me? For me to trust you, even while I'm with someone else?"

"I always feel your presence by my side. You are here with me as my one true love and companion, no matter what, even when I am alone. It brings me much joy. That is more than enough."

I smiled at her with my full trust, glad that she would be okay, and that she had me like this.

Liara smiled back at me in her full relief, glad that we had this promise now, making her even stronger.

Completely ruining the moment, Tali came out of nowhere, wobbling over to us.

"Liara," said Tali, grave; pointing at her like she'd done something wrong. "Did I ever tell you…? Did I…?"

Finding reality again, and finding her concern over how drunk Tali was, Liara asked, wary, "Did you ever tell me what…?"

Tali pinched Liara's cheeks. "How adorable your freckles are!" she cried out in joy. "They're like little blueberries…spread out over the buttery muffin of your pretty, smiley face…" She gasped. "Why do I want to eat them?! I would die! Yourrrr DNA isn't the same as mine, you know… Mine is for me only. That's right, only me… And I cannot lie about that! It is the cold, undeniable…truth…"

It looked like my theory about her and Ashley was right.

Liara frowned in a sort of helpless understanding, knowing the same. Probably knowing way more than I did, considering the two of them were best friends.

But then, Tali shuffled over to me, reaching up; pinching my cheeks instead…

Tali lowered her pitch, teasing me, "And you, grumpyface! Would it kill you to smile more? You have such a lovely smile, Shepard… Your laugh is absolutely beautiful, too. The moment I heard you laughing at Ashley today, I knew… I knew. Oh, yes, I knew… She may have been angry with you then, but your charming laughter sent Ashley hiiiiiighh above the house, above the Normandy, up to the stars above…"

Not wanting to give away my own understanding, I told her, "You're one of those sweet and innocent drunks, aren't you? The kind that wouldn't hurt a fly, but ends up saying the most random shit."

Tali let out a dramatic gasp. "I'll have you know there is nothing random about what I am saying!" she asserted, letting go of my face. "I am not sweet and innocent, either! I am a grown woman, and despite what people think, I do not need anyone to coddle and babysit me! Not you, not anyone!"

"Coddle, babysit?" I asked, feeling like she was accusing me of something. Something personal. "Who's babysitting you?"

Pointing behind me, she said, "Him, there! He's been following me this whole time! Tell him to stop!"

Following the direction of her accusation, I spotted Kaidan skulking around back there, trying to blend in with the crowd on the dance floor. It turned out, standing stone-still like a statue in the middle of a bunch of people grinding on each other wasn't the best form of disguise for him. Not one bit.

But by the time I looked back to Liara and Tali, they were gone, already on their way to the bar to join Ashley, Garrus, and Wrex over there.

Liara did look like she was okay again, smiling a bit as she guided Tali along.

And I loved her…for making these sacrifices, for letting me have these double-standards this time.

And I knew, this had come up so quietly—as quiet as Liara's strength—so she didn't need me to say it.

She already knew, too. So that was one problem solved. Sort of…

Tali was seriously wasted. We needed to get her back home soon before she blew up at Ashley over this.

Home…

But first, I went over to Kaidan, asking him, "Were you really following her that entire time?"

Kaidan rubbed the back of his head, guilty as he replied, "Err, yeah…I was. Tali wasn't too happy with me when I went up to her directly. She kept insisting she didn't need my help. Then she wandered off. Figured I'd keep an eye on her, at least until she found her way back to the others. I made sure no one went up to her or tried to take advantage."

I wasn't surprised at all that he'd done this. "Thanks for keeping her safe, Kaidan. I appreciate it."

"Of course, Commander," he said, smiling. "You would've done the same for me. In fact, you already did. Aside from my whole…situation…Ash told me you encouraged her to head to the grill with me. We sure had a lot of fun. She's a great friend. Really helped me out."

"That's good to hear. I still want you to get checked out first. Just in case."

Kaidan nodded in agreement. "Definitely. I'm not so anxious about it anymore," he shared. "I'll be open and honest with the counselor about what's bothering me—you have my word." We both glanced over at the bar, finding that Liara had decided to have a drink with everyone after all. "Hey, Shepard… Do you think I should tell Ash about my, um, issues? This all started back when she was mad at me over something, and… And I feel bad for not coming clean with her. Would it help if I told her the truth?"

Leaning on the railing now, I asked, "You think I'm the best person to answer this?"

Joining me here, Kaidan justified, "Well, you'd know Ash pretty well by now. Better than the rest of us."

I really didn't know enough about this situation… "She wouldn't judge you, if that's what you mean."

"No, no, not that," he insisted. "I get that she's open-minded about things… It's just, way back, I could tell she was hurting about something. Hurting over you, I think. I already knew she liked you a lot, but Ash did her best to try and throw me off her trail. Kinda hurt that she didn't trust me… I ended up making things worse. Now it's a miracle we're even talking again. I'm worried about opening up old wounds for her. But maybe you'd know if those wounds are still there or not. Does she resent me…?"

Something told me that this might've become part of Kaidan's recovery process later on.

He had seemed upset and distracted back on Feros, aside from his splitting headache at the time.

So I gave him my honest answer: "I don't feel that Ashley's holding a grudge, or that she's being fake with you. I get the sense now that there's a lot you two are sweeping under the rug. It'll probably help if you smooth things over at some point. I can't tell you when or how. This is your choice, not mine."

"True," accepted Kaidan. "I owe her that much. I'll do my best to find the right time… The right words. The right…timing, for certain things. Those things are just—too heavy to share with her this soon." Not wanting to bring the mood down any more, he suggested, "Say, why don't we head over to the bar? Check on Tali, see if we need to get her back to Liara's house. Wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on her."

"Agreed," I said, walking with him around the dance floor, over to the bar. "I'm thinking we should go ahead and take Tali back sooner rather than later. I have a feeling she didn't eat dinner tonight."

Kaidan made a sound of concern. "Drinking like that on an empty stomach? No wonder…" He sighed over her recklessness. "I know Tali's on the younger side, but still. She should know better! Something could've seriously gone wr—" Spotting something—or someone—on the dance floor, Kaidan suddenly darted off in a random direction, blurting out in a flushed embarrassment as he went—"Oh, God!"

Following where Kaidan's line of sight had been before he bolted off, I completely understood.

I completely understood…

Rooted to the spot, I gaped at this sight of Ashley and Liara together in the center of the crowd. Deep in the center of the music, the center of that obscurity, they blended there. Only by chance had Kaidan noticed. Only by complete chance did I notice them, too: Liara standing there in place, her lidded eyes hazy from the influence of whatever she'd had to drink; Ashley draping her arms over Liara's shoulders, dancing in a steady rhythm against her, steady enough to whisper in that darkened mischief of hers.

Whispering, whispering right over Liara's lips, or next to Liara's crests, so high—Ashley had also had one drink too many, having thrown away most pretenses of whatever hostility brimmed between them.

Swallowing this thick knot in my throat, my face and neck steaming, I couldn't let this chance pass by.

I shuffled through the crowd as best as I could, nearing them. I didn't bother cloaking—there was no point, not in this cluster of people rocking and gyrating against each other, just as Ashley did to Liara in playful sensuality.

I stopped as soon as I was close enough to overhear, hidden behind a couple tall enough to conceal me.

Arms still draped over Liara's shoulders, one wrist over the other, Ashley spoke in such a relaxed lust, deep in the lower register of her voice, so sultry, so unintentional, flowing freely in her intoxication:

"I don't think so," she claimed, continuing their conversation on. "I'm not seeing things at all…"

"I believe you are," insisted Liara, without insisting at all—soft, yet clear, she tolerated this, at best.

Ashley laughed softly. "Everywhere I go, you're there," she murmured. "You've been following me all night long—plain and simple. You're not fooling me… Don't even bother. Just—don't. There's no way I'm falling for it…" Licking her lips, she angled her face just so, as if about to kiss: "So…what do you want?"

Liara did her best to stay firm, despite her haze—"You really shouldn't presume things about me…"

"Presume," echoed Ashley in wickedness. "That means it's possible… Interesting choice of words."

"No, it means that you have dared to do this," corrected Liara, stronger. "What if Shepard finds us?"

"Stop changing the subject. Tell me why you've been following me. I wanna know."

Caged in this situation, Liara could only say, "I was…trying to figure out where this came from."

Caressing the blue of her face, and those freckles, Ashley smirked and asked, "What's this? What do you mean? Be honest with me now… I'll know if you're lying."

"There was a firewall in my way. I nearly lost my mind over it today."

"A…firewall?"

"Yes," said Liara, removing Ashley's hands from her face. "If you don't know what it is I mean, then it's of no concern to you. As it should be."

When it seemed as if Liara was about to leave, Ashley held her hand instead.

"Not so fast," she warned. "You're not getting off that easy… Since you won't be straight-up with me, that just means I have to take the initiative. I have no problem doing that. Now get over here."

Liara tried to stay in one place; physically stronger than her, Ashley dragged her along anyway.

Avoiding detection, I followed them through this crowd, keeping my eyes locked to the specific pattern of light blue over Liara's crests, over her crown, to distinguish her from all the other asari around. More helpful, I made sure that the bare skin of Ashley's arms stayed in my periphery, since there were hardly any other humans around us, ensuring that she stood out from that blue and violet, from everyone else.

That petulant swing of their interlaced hands swung as such a maddened metronome between them.

Ashley led Liara out to one of the wide balconies overlooking the view of the city late at night.

No one else was around up here, giving them enough freedom to speak freely.

Cloaking this time, I kept a closer eye on them, watching and listening as carefully as I could:

Ashley pressed Liara's back against a wall, facing her toward the sky. She stared through to the reflection of the metropolis in the width of Liara's eyes, so very wide over this change of events.

"You owe me some answers, Liara," whispered Ashley, in-time with the faint breeze. "And not just about tonight. That dream…the one that changed everything—I know you were there. I felt you. You were there in Shepard's head, watching me through her eyes, feeling me through her touch. Waiting to see if she would really take me… Is that what you wanted? Did you want her to fuck me up, humiliate me?"

Burned by this surprise, Liara had no real response prepared. "Ashley…"

Smirking over that unpreparedness, Ashley mocked her, "You're sick, you know. More to you than meets the eye… Yeah, no shit." Still, she stroked Liara's neck and shoulders in such a coquettish way, those wiles of hers shifting as wisps through her touch. "I almost wanna blackmail you over this. Hold it over your head. Demand some payback. You know—tit-for-tat. An eye for an eye." Managing to kindle Liara enough, she earned a reaction from her: those sounds, curled with provocation and stimulation both. "Mmm, this is a surprise… I thought you hated me. What's this all about…?"

When Liara refused to respond, instead breathing harder by the second, Ashley laughed, so seductive.

"Of course you won't answer me," she went on. "It's nice to know I'm living in your head like this, though. You must be dying to know…what the big deal is about me… Aren't you? Tell me the truth…"

Again, Liara could say nothing, her chest raising higher, concaving lower.

And, again, Ashley hovered her lips just over Liara's, not quite touching, not quite meeting her there.

Breathing over her, smelling of alcohol, Ashley whispered, "Tell me no if you want to. Tell me to stop…if that's what you really want me to do. If you don't wanna face this, then say so. I'll wait for you, Liara…"

Liara fractured the subject, if not outright changing it this time: "Ashley…I refuse to have sex with you. We are not having a threesome with Shepard. If you are asking me for either of those things…"

That cockiness of Ashley's smirk shaped her voice: "No, that's not what I'm asking for… This is about you. What you see in me. What you're trying to figure out about me. You wanna know why she wants me—I get it. So, instead of asking, you sneak around… You put your nose where it doesn't belong. You treat me like some lab rat for your research. The thing is, there's only so much you can learn that way…"

Easing herself closer, closer, firmness of her lips pressed against Liara's without pressing—Ashley waited here, breathing in this contamination of anticipation and antipathy both.

She pulled Liara's hands around her shoulders, hooking her there. She settled her own hands around Liara's waist, waiting there.

Waiting—staring straight-edged into Liara's eyes with a harsher mix of hostility and heat.

Waiting…for Liara to tell her no, to tell her to stop.

Caught up in her curiosities as Liara was: Ashley knew she had the upper-hand.

And then, when Liara wouldn't push her away, Ashley pulled away, stepped away, emotionless in her abject denial. A few paces back now, she watched as Liara tried and failed to catch her breath.

"You're pathetic, Liara," scorned Ashley, so very cold. "You're just so fucking curious about me, aren't you? It's that same stupid curiosity that got you here in the first place. You wanted to hold something over my head so damn bad that you sent Shepard to my room, hoping she'd fuck me and leave me like I was some trashy whore, even if it was only a dream. Right? Isn't that what you thought she'd do?"

When all Liara could do was stand there, trembling and avoiding eye contact, Ashley scoffed.

Uncanny precision Ashley gave in her continued mocking: "And there you go again, holding back and waiting, when you already know it won't get you anywhere. You wanna be the better person? Bide your time? Play the long game? That only works when you know you can entrench the enemy, tire them out; get them to keep making mistakes until they lose—or better yet, forfeit. You might know my biggest weaknesses…but guess what? My fuck-ups are nothing compared to what you're trying to do here."

Forcing herself to speak, steeled so hard, Liara asked, "Just what do you think I am trying to do?"

"You're trying to act like a saint when you're not. You want to be perfect in her eyes, flawless. You're not a god, Liara. You're a person, just like me, just like her. You know she can't resist when a woman's real with her—so why bother holding back? Why bide your time and wait for her to go back to you?"

"Ashley, this is who I am," emphasized Liara. "I am not like you. I am not reckless in the way you are…"

"Then you're not playing to win."

"This is not a game!"

"If that's what you think, then you don't know Shepard," argued Ashley, still so cold. "Lone wolves don't stay alone for fun. They do it because they're scared. She did it because she was afraid of getting hurt by you, by me. When a wolf is alone like that and you wanna protect it, you have to go up to it directly. You have to risk getting hurt, getting bitten or outright killed, over and over, while it's trying to protect itself. Stay away and it'll forget about you. So, yeah, this is a fucking game, Liara. Wake up!"

Liara let out a dangerous exhale. "…she came up to me. It was not the other way around."

"Yeah, since you were fresh meat. And then your trail led her right to me instead. Thanks for that."

"Why are you doing this?" questioned Liara, again about to snap. "Why are you so…hateful?"

Devoid of all feeling, Ashley said, "Because…you made her break my heart before I could get anywhere near her. She didn't consider my feelings. You made sure I knew. And you terrified me when you did it… Then, you made a fatal mistake. You stepped aside, thinking you could give her time, and she'd come running back to you after getting sick of my shit. You didn't count on any of this happening, did you?"

Liara hadn't expected such a sincere answer, yet her blood continued to boil—"What is this?"

"You know exactly what this is," claimed Ashley. She pointed to the view, the railing behind her. "You see that? You see that drop, that fall? Her heart is right there, right now, about to fall for me—but here you are, reminding me all over again of how much she hurt me through you, like some kind of puppet master. After the day I've had with her, everything is so fresh and raw for me all over again…and I'm about to make a mistake. I feel myself about to walk away…but I love her too much to ever do that."

Calming with that reveal, however unintentional, Liara lowered her head. She already knew that information about me, about my heart.

But, Ashley…

Liara needed to know, "Why…would you admit this to me?"

"Because…I can't tell her. She's sick of me arguing about you. I can't tell anyone. I had to tell you; I felt like I was about to explode if I didn't get this out somehow. You can keep that as your token from me."

Such a lack of compassion from Liara as she retorted, "If you won't allow yourself to be truly honest, then how can you claim to love her? You would let Shepard stumble around in the dark to figure out what the problem is? And if she does not find the answers, your heart will only break more, leading to more problems, more issues between the two of you. How is that fair to her in the slightest?"

Ashley snapped at her, "I don't expect you to understand! Don't bother thinking you can figure me out. I don't need you to fucking do it! Just like I don't need you thinking you can share her with me! It's not gonna happen—period!" Scowling over Liara's shock, more, she got the last word in: "There's your damn firewall, you stuck-up bitch! Try and break it down—see what happens. I swear to God, I will make you pay if you even think about stepping anywhere near Shepard after this. I'm so done with you…"

Nearly storming into me on her way out and away, Ashley left the balcony, left Liara standing there in sheer denial.

Because of course, Liara knew that I would never tell Ashley about that one thing, those exact words…

Liara knew that I had overheard: in her frustrations, I heard the way she breathed. I couldn't read her mind, not like before when she had melded with me, given me that gift. All I could fall back on was my intuition again. And my intuition told me that Liara wanted to be alone, otherwise we would end up in an argument next.

Worse than that, I couldn't follow after Ashley at all.

I couldn't suddenly go up to her, asking her about this—because then she would know I'd overheard. That would've shattered her trust in me, no matter how much she loved me.

Even though I had every undeniable urge to go find her right now—immediately—I had to stay away.

Ambling off to a safe distance, I uncloaked, exposing myself to everyone's perceptions of me.

Maneuvering myself through this crowd, I held everything in, needing to isolate myself, needing to get away from this music, this enjoyment, this reminder of what I couldn't indulge in right now, not now. Holding it all in, I felt myself about to break, about to let it out: this gathering, building, brimming. I forced a fracture in my own mind to keep this in, getting to the hall that led to the restrooms.

Packed women's restroom, empty men's restroom. I rushed into the men's one. I sealed the door behind me, the red light an ironic comfort right now.

Shutting myself in the only stall, I locked myself here, realizing all at once:

The one person in my life close enough to hurt me, who could have done it by now, multiple times, yet she could not, chose not to, would not, and refused to—even if it meant shattering herself, and breaking her own heart over and over again: Ashley made the constant, conscious decision to put me first on this realistic pedestal, this optimistic throne of her heart and her mind. Not out of any lesser impulse to be less real with me. Not out of fear of pushing me away necessarily, for her own self-preservation, as her self-sabotaging habits had proven, working against her anyway, even at the worst of times.

Ashley made the choice to love me with every drop of her devotion, bleeding herself to death for me.

Still trying to straighten myself, I clamped my arms around my head, unable to run away anymore.

She was the one, the only one, and I had dismissed her, I had ignored her, I had judged her, I had made up reasons to hate her, I had gone to someone else to distract myself from her, I had lied to her, I had lied to her, I had lied to her; I had broken her heart all before she could truly express herself to me once.

And even after all that…still she chose to love me anyway. She chose not to give up on me anyway.

Ashley chose to keep her promises to me; and I couldn't apologize properly without breaking her trust.

Shut away, locked away, alone and isolated in this reality, I didn't jump, I didn't fall, and I didn't land in grace and with control, augmented in a halo and in complete confidence over my guaranteed survival.

I spiraled down and down and down in love her, all the way down, without Ashley in my arms this time.

Endless black of this abyss with no end in sight, I heaved for breath without breathing. I couldn't make up for any of this; I couldn't hold her and make this right again…not directly. It was all my fault. I'd fucked up. I should've stayed away for my own sake. And now…it was too late.

Now that I needed Ashley the most, I couldn't go to her. Not literally, not figuratively; somewhere in the depths of my intuition, her own intoxication kept up a barrier of her own, unintentional, since she needed her space, and so of course she didn't want to be bothered. She needed her space. Right when I needed to take care of her in the ways she had shared, she needed to be alone, separate from me.

So separate from me—right when this free-fall began in me, uncontrollable.

So separate from me—right when I needed to be completely unprotected, in heaven deep inside of her.

I learned from her, seeing the obvious—that it was my turn to follow in her footsteps, and to learn how to love her instead of only feeling it or saying it. Holding her close, and making the conscious choice to do it; putting her first, and making the conscious choice to do it; staying faithful to her, and making the conscious choice to do it; falling into her, so much deeper, and breathing through her, and making the conscious and unconscious choice to do it, to risk absolutely everything for her no matter how badly she might've hurt me—and even if she chose to walk away, leaving me broken, and abandoning me with this love for her and with no way to give it to her anymore, just like I was afraid of, just like I was afraid of—

And I had no place left to run. I had nothing left to protect myself with. Nothing.

Only a mask to wear at night, until the sun eventually rose over the scent of her stuck in me.