A/N: Well, I'm back, finally. I'll pretend you all missed me, just for the ego inoculation :P If you really did miss getting new chapters constantly, sorry—I've been really, really busy.

To say Lieutenant Fife was upset would be a laughable understatement. Truth be told, he had as much of an idea of what he was feeling as what Constance knew she was getting herself in to. Tobias had melted into a spineless mush before Captain Bordon, whimpering and weeping about how all was lost. So much for his stern display earlier.

And then there was that insane bit of rage that whispered for him to break something….

But in all, he had no reason for being so…choked up. It had been clear that Constance did not care for him as he wished (and pretended) she did. No, she's cuddling up to that wimpy captain. He can hardly stand up for himself, let alone defend 'his' woman from a bunch of soldiers….

Fife wandered out into the trees that fringed the edge of the camp. It was silent and uncommonly still. The full moon loomed above, engaged in a frigid surveillance of earth and its tiny creatures. Tendrils of steaming breath seeped from his lips, or burst forth from his nose in snorts as he recalled the embrace in which he had found the object of his affection. He grabbed a crackly branch from the ground and whipped at the air with it. Soon he pretended he was in the heat of a furious duel—with the captain, of course.

A plane flat sheet of water glowed in the moon light, edging the muddy shores in silver bands. Fife walked along to a high embankment above the water. There was a large boulder, and the lieutenant perched himself upon it. He drew his knees up to his chin and glowered at the pond. Fife appeared to fade into the stone, as he did not move a muscle, or even blink, for the greatest length of time.

He sat and just thought with no consideration of time. What did it matter, any way? No one was going to hassle him for being out in the middle of the night, or he at least hoped not. He must have been ruminating there for close to two hours when something came gliding out of the trees below him on the left. It was Constance. However, she did not see him, and Lieutenant Fife was in no mood to talk to her. In fact, he expected to see Captain Bordon slink out of the dark for a midnight rendezvous of some kind.

But it was only Constance, bare footed, and no one followed her. Under her arm, she had a bag she dropped onto the grass before the shore. She removed some clothes—a dragoon's uniform—from it and lay them out carefully. Next came a long sheet of white cloth and a pair of boots. Must be laundry for her brother, though why so late at night? he thought.

Tobias slipped behind the rock and peered out just enough to watch her. Constance had begun to strip down. She stood in her bloomers and corset as she stuffed her bodice and various skirts into the bag. Decency suggested that Fife look away as she removed the rest of her clothing, but it was only a suggestion…. He clamped a hand over his mouth as she waded into the water to bathe. Oh, this definitely topped Bordon's winning an embrace.

Constance was completely unaware of the voyeur up on the bank and proceeded as normal in her bath and subsequent dressing. She sloshed out of the pond and dried herself before winding the long sheet of cloth tightly about her breasts to flatten them. Fife squinted in curiosity. He was totally astonished when she dressed herself in the uniform, bound her hair, and returned to camp.

Oh, the colonel will love this!

Mr. and Mrs. Wilkins had obviously reconciled, for as Constance, in the guise of Joseph, strolled by their tent, the canvas was aglow in candle light and purring version of Mrs. Wilkins' could be heard from within. Constance shuddered and went to check on her brother. Hopefully he would be asleep.

No such luck. William was still awake, poring over papers on his desk. He heard her approach and sat up to rub his temples. "Why, Constance? Why can't you be content to be a woman and totally unconcerned with war?"

She shook her head. "You're my concern, brother. Besides, Joseph has been gone too long and it may raise suspicions."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Bordon knows."

Tavington pinched his eyes closed. "Great."

The sister was poised to say something when Fife scrambled in with a wild grin on his face.

"Sir, I've got news for you! You are going to be horrified!" The lieutenant grabbed Constance by the shoulders and positioned her directly before William's desk. "This is no man, Colonel, sir."

"Pray tell, what am I then, Lieutenant Fife?" Constance demanded moodily.

"This is your sister, in disguise, sir!"

William waved him away. "Next time bring me new news, Lieutenant Fife. You'd make yourself much more useful that way."

Fife was dumbstruck. "But—you know about her?"

"Yes, he does. Why else would I be in here dressed like this in the middle of the night? When do you loons think we actually get to sit down and talk?" Constance fell to the nervous habit of nibbling on her nails. Her eyes fixed on the flabbergasted little lieutenant.

"I'm not happy about it, but yes, I know that is my sister, Lieutenant." Tavington went back to his papers and left his underling working his jaw like an enraged fish.

Constance was not content, however. She drew herself up and stared levelly at him. "How in Hell do you know about this? Did Bordon tell you?"

Lieutenant Fife shook his head. "No, he didn't. I just, uh, figured it out that—"

The strange leering light in his eyes told her everything. She was furious. "You saw me bathing! You disgusting, foul, horrible, despicable freak!"

The colonel looked up again. This would be interesting.

Tobias shook his head rapidly, eyes wide. "No, not at all. No such thing, Miss Tavington. I just—"

"Saw me undressed! Get out! Now!" Constance grabbed him by the collar with uncharacteristic force. She wanted to cry from such humiliation, but she, to her brother's complete surprise, heaved Fife physically out of the tent.

---

Wilkins walked arm in arm with his wife the following morning. She was washed with a ripe red glow in her pudgy cheeks. The woman swaggered along in self-pride at having such a handsome husband.

The captain walked with a panic stricken expression stretched tight on his face.

"Well, angel-sweets, what do you think of camp, eh?" he asked.

"Kinda borin'—but mah, mah, mah, who was tha' tall feller wi' the dark hair?"

His brow darkened. "That was the colonel, dearie."

"An' tha' lil' red-hair girl ye was 'bout t' stuff yerself in, tha's his wife?"

"No, love. That was his little sister."

"Mah, mah! Ja-aaaames, ye augh' be 'spec'lly ashamed of yerself! Hurtin' that poor lil' angel-girl like tha'! I augh' divorce ye, ye gluttony ol' bastard!" she slapped him playfully.

"Oh, I would die with out you, kitten," Captain Wilkins sighed with no emotion.

"Aw-wwwww, James," Mrs. Wilkins purred. She was about to kiss him when she sensed a pair of eyes on her and her husband. It happened to be some other dragoon's wife going about preparing breakfast. Mrs. Wilkins flew at the woman. "G'wayfrommahmanwench!"

The woman curtsied humbly and hurried away, somewhere between amusement and terror.

Mrs. Wilkins giggled coyly and snuggled up against her husband's arm. "Kiss me, James."

The husband obliged with a twinge in his right eye. His wife began to coo and purr in happiness and told her husband was a strong and handsome lover he was. Wilkins walked along with the grimace even tighter on his face. They passed by "Joseph Carleton" on their morning stroll, and the Mrs. gave the imposter soldier an appreciate eyeing.

"Priddy priddy red head boy. Ain't nowhur near's strong as ye, thoo, James. I like ye strong, James…." She was purring again.

Wilkins gulped and rested his pained eyes on Constance. "Help me!" he mouthed, but Constance only wrinkled her brow in disgust at him and strode away.

She laughed once she was out of hearing range harder than would have been allowed had she been in a corset. Constance doubled over in guffaws. When she stood up straight again and wiped a tear of mirth from her eye, Lieutenant Fife was there, waiting.

Next chapter: What Fife likes to believe is an apology, and the dragoons

do some very bad things.